The steadfast love of the Lord.

Have I ever mentioned how I love those Psalms where David spends some time cataloging his woes and wondering where God is?  It's nice to know even the man after God's own heart had some moments of complaining.  Do you mind if I take a moment to do that, too?  Sorry my words are probably not divinely inspired quite like David's...

Since we've come to Charlotte, Jubilee has managed to stretch out her night and day feedings just a bit, but she's added in this fun twist of fussing and grunting and making all manner of unhappy noises and crying in between feeds...which has us up at least as much as before.  I think she's starting to have some gas issues that contribute to this.  Well, she had a particularly difficult bout of this on the night that I found out I had mastitis again.  Add to that the fact that she somehow stopped realizing how to use the paci and now slurps and sucks unsuccessfully, gulping in lots of air and dropping it repeatedly from her mouth.  Hence, the gas. And, that seems to have transferred to breast feeding, where she is now struggling to get a good latch a portion of the time.  Thankfully, I think she's still doing well enough to not worry me that she's not getting enough milk but there is definitely more soreness.  Then, yesterday is the cherry on the sundae.  Scotty and I notice she is getting a bit yellow- strange for a baby that is no longer technically a newborn.  We are able to get her in to the doctor where she had a new patient visit scheduled for next week.  They look at her, ask a bunch of questions and take some blood.  That was oh so sad and she temporarily lost her yellow hue for more of a purplish red induced by a heart-wrenching crying jag.  So, I call this morning (3 times) before I manage to finally get an answer about the result (after waiting last night for the promised lab result call) and the nurse nonchalantly mentions that the levels of bilirubin are slightly elevated and the doctor recommends stopping breastfeeding for 48 hours and then reevaluating her next week.  What?!  At this point, my mind is spinning trying to absorb this info and I'm wondering how in the world I'm going to pump for 2 days with my single hand pump which usually pulls out about an ounce, if I'm lucky, and still manage to have enough milk to breastfeed.  I hang up, cry and immediately start looking online.  Oh, that's after I get Scotty into go mode and send him on a hunt for formula and a Radio Shack to try to fix my old electric double pump and get back all within the hour when Jubilee needs to eat next.  Yeah, right.  So, I see online that breastfeeding jaundice is usually not harmful and is best treated by breastfeeding MORE frequently in order to flush out the extra bilirubin.  Rarely, I read, is it helpful to stop breastfeeding unless the levels are really high and they want to bring them down quickly.  And, if you do stop breastfeeding, it's only for 24 hours.  So, then I get on the phone with Shelli, my go-to medical informant and highly skilled encourager/calmer-downer.  Leave message.  Then I call my nurse practitioner friend in Gainesville.  Leave message.  Then I call a woman I don't even know who is a friend of a friend who is a lactation consultant.  I'll need someone to coach me in how to be a better pumper.  She'll call me back.  Then I pray.  Probably should have done that first.  But, I hold Jubilee and pray and try not to freak out and go find Natty who is playing with a little boy that came over and wait for all my peeps to call back.  This is where I'll try to shorten things.  Friends call back and we decide a) don't take the advice of the pediatrician; b) keep nursing and get things checked again next week; and c) find a new pediatrician quickly.  Beth and a sweet friend from church were downstairs when I went to go get Jubilee's bathing bucket after all this had been worked out.  I relayed what had happened, cried, had lots of sympathy and got some prayer.  My emotions had been all over the place this morning and I was incredibly scared about trying to stop breastfeeding and didn't even like the idea of being physically unattached from my baby for that long.  I'm just now, as I type, starting to feel a more full release from this stress.  We have really been through a lot with this little girl in the last 8 weeks!

So, now that I've vented, let's move on.  At the end of those whining Psalms there is always a remembrance of God's goodness, His faithfulness, His steadfast love.  Let's take a look at that in this situation, shall we?  So, the first thing is that I was able to get into a new practice the same day for Baby J to get looked at.  Second, even though I really wanted to know that night what the diagnosis was, if I had received that call, Scotty would have had to go out in the late evening to find formula and I would have spent all night worrying and trying to manually pump something, probably ending in lots of frustration and tears.  Third, I have friends that I trust who are smart, call me back quickly, and actually care about me and my baby.  And, they give great, trustworthy medical advice.  Forth, although maybe first in priority, I have a husband who will drop everything to help me and support me.  Fifth, the bilirubin levels were low enough that I could safely continue to breastfeed and wait until her next appointment to be rechecked.  This is awesome news.  Sixth, I am staying with an amazingly loving family who will hug me and sympathize and another friend happened to be here who held me and prayed and gave me the name of her beloved nurse practitioner/lactation consultant.  Those are just the things I'm aware of.  Oh, yeah- and I was able to call the friend who delivered Jubilee as soon as I realized I was getting mastitis again and have her call in some meds.  So, God shows Himself faithful and present as always and although I am still a little bit weighed down by some latch issues and a little uncertain of what might happen in the next week with Jubilee's jaundice (there's still a small possibility that it could be something more serious that will present itself later)- I am grateful.  And a little bit exhausted.

A new place.

Well, we've landed in Charlotte after a long stay in Gainesville.  I knew once we got here, it would start to feel like the beginning of the end of our time in the US.  We only have 6 weeks here and already the time is moving quickly.  We hope to reconnect with friends and supporters and enjoy our beloved Desiring God Community Church.  Coty and Beth, the pastor and his wife, have graciously welcomed us into their home- feeding us, helping us with baby, playing with Natty and generally loving us in the special way that they do so well.  I am getting inspired again to cook when we return to Bolivia through Beth's delicious and nutritious home-cooked meals.  We love this family!  Natty has had a bit of a rough transition and I think generally is probably feeling similarly to us- a bit tired of transition and not being in our own home with routine.  Well, that's a bit of what I'm feeling, at least.

 Jubilee continues to stump me with her wacky non-schedule and eating needs.  I never quite know what to expect with her!  But, she's getting chunkier and cuter each day and we love that she's joined our family.  I continually waver back and forth between feeling like she should be slipping into some sort of routine and understanding that there's only so much I can do to help when we are in and out and there's another little girl that has needs too.  The books talk about what they are capable of doing at this age and how you can help them, but I find that it doesn't always play out like that in real life and when it doesn't, I feel like I'm somehow doing something wrong.  But, realistically, I just don't have the time or energy to focus 100% on her like I did with Natty.  And, I'm pretty sure her personality is not one that is going to jive with what the books say.  So, I'm trying to remain positive and trust that I'm taking care of her as best as I can and that eventually we will figure things out.  Until then, Scotty continues to be my faithful helper, both with her and Natty.  I'm also feeling a bit of tension because I know that I need to be in the Word every day to combat the occasional overwhelming emotions that pull me away from focusing on Christ.  This is a hard thing to accomplish with all that is going on- but how desperately I need it as I tend to get frustrated with a cranky 3 year old and a baby that is pretty needy.  But, how do you do  it when those 2 people take up most of the day and spare moments are few and far between (and there always seems to be something more "pressing" to do)?  I know well this is the plight of all moms with little ones.  Any advice that doesn't include waking up earlier than I already do?

Well, it seems as though there is a lot more to say and probably something a bit more interesting to relate, but I just don't have the time.  I'll leave you with a sweet picture I took last night after a particularly traumatic feeding when Jubilee wailed and gnashed her teeth/gums, turned her whole body red and almost woke the whole house because she was SO HUNGRY.  This is what she looked like after her meal: 

If you were wondering...

If you were wondering how things were going with Jubilee, I'm taking some time tonight, when I'd normally be trying to sleep, to update the blog.  I'll probably regret it tomorrow, but it's the first time I don't feel absolutely exhausted and this is the only thing I can handle doing right now.  Jubilee is a newborn- truly.  I don't know if it's cause she was born so small or had a 2 week viral set back or I just have wrong expectations, but I thought things would have started to get a tinsy bit easier.  She still eats every 2 hours in the day time and is just now throwing in a few 3 hour stretches at night (along with 2 hours).  I've felt a bit trapped since she got sick because she has not been allowed out, not even outside.  So, the couple of times I have attempted to get out and do something has gone like this.  Nurse the baby while trying to convince her that she needs to hurry and not dawdle because I have places (place) to go.  Change her diaper, including dabbing Maalox onto her tiny bum sores (my babies have very sensitive skin), blowing on it until it is completely dry, repeating that process once or twice depending on how many times she pees or poops while I'm trying to do it, cover the whole thing with rash ointment and then try to nurse some more since I've woken her up with the diaper changing regimen.  Then, hand her off quickly to someone or rope Scotty into dealing with her on and off napping even though he should be working on his seminary course work.  Grab my purse and rush out the door as quickly as possible while driving the speed limit to my destination. Try not to grip the steering wheel too tightly and make a conscious effort to relax my body as I think about how very little time I have to do what I want to do and make it back to nurse again.  The other day, the destination was Plato's Closet.  This was my first time in the store and I didn't know much about it.  It is a thrift store shoppers paradise.  Cute clothes in great condition at great prices in mass quantities.  I almost drove myself crazy trying to try on clothes and find some post-pregnancy stuff to fit into in a half hour time frame.  I was completely overwhelmed and ended up buying about 4 things that I'm taking back.  All this because I'm not a good pumper and can't seem to get much milk, but I've got a Plato's Closet milk stash in the freezer for next time...

Anyway, I left Jubilee with my parents last night for Scotty's 40th birthday dinner.  She did great and we were only gone a couple of hours, so it was fine.  Nice to get that "first" out of the way and AMAZING to get out of the house and do something fun.  I've been thinking about Christian mommy blogs I've read in the last year or so that talk so much about learning to find joy in the little years and finding satisfaction in the calling that God has on us as mommies.  It all sounded great when I had one easy daughter.  Now, I have a newborn and I've found myself in the trenches again and often without a lot of joy or sense of purpose.  Just surviving from one sleepless night to the next and changing an awful lot of diapers.  How does it work?  I've been looking at Jubilee more intentionally lately.  Remembering how desperately we wanted a baby after Zion died.  Remembering how I would have been willing to endure anything to just have him alive with us.  How quickly I get discouraged when this one cries a lot or doesn't want to be put down to nap and I just need to get a shower.  It's tough to remember these lofty but true ideas when you're in the midst of it all.  And, I don't want to get caught in that trap of thinking in just a few more months she'll be easier or more enjoyable.  It's too easy to wish their lives away and before you know it, there's no more snuggly babies.

My in-laws are here until the end of the week, then there's Easter and our first trip to church since Jubilee's been born, then packing and leaving for Charlotte next week!  I'm excited about the transition, looking forward to seeing lots of friends up there, and nervous that it's going to be all a little too much.  Plus, this move signals the beginning of the end of our time in the US and honestly, my heart is not ready to go back to Bolivia yet.  More on that in another post.

Natty, by the way, is doing great and handling her new baby sister pretty well.  It's good that she's had grandparents to give her attention, but I've felt pretty rotten about not being around much for her.  I know that will change and I long to spend more time just playing with her and loving her.  She's an amazing little girl.

So, those are some random thoughts and an update, for what it's worth.  Now, I should turn in and take advantage of the sleeping baby to get some sleep myself.

Oh, what a week!

You wouldn't guess she was so sick here!  She's looked so good, but felt so bad.

Can I just tell you how my emotions have been on a roller coaster this week?  Last Friday, our little peanut started sounding quite congested.  I chalked it up to allergies and normal infant stuff.  But, she was obviously getting worse by the next day, not eating well and sleeping all day.  I called the pediatrician's office and ended up speaking with my neighbor, who is the nurse practitioner there that we see and happens to have a little girl around Natty's age that she plays with from time to time.  How cool of God to line that all up years ahead of time by putting my parent's in this 'hood?  So, I didn't take her in, but Allison told me what to look out for.  Apparently, when wee ones get a cold, it's so much more serious than when older kids or adults get colds.  And, it can be a nasty thing called RSV, which is a more serious virus but completely unpreventable and is cared for in the same way a cold is.  It can also turn into bronchiolitis, which is as scary as it sounds.  So, my heart began turning flip flops as I realized how sick my baby could be and wondered how this happened when I've been so diligent in keeping her inside for the last 3 weeks.  Why why why??  Doesn't God know how hard it is for me to go through anything risky with a baby?  Didn't He just miraculously work all things for good in my body during this pregnancy and allow her to be perfect even though she was early and tiny?  Yes.  But, apparently there is something good in this, too.  So, we wait and watch and watch and wait and I do a fair amount of worrying myself sick.  And praying.  And trying real hard not to be anxious.  The pediatrician is cautious and tells me how it is and how it could be, while hoping for the best.  Several really rough nights go by- nights when we're awake more than asleep and the baby just seems to be inconsolable.  More days go by when I'm weighed down by my concern, punctuated by moments of clarity and faith- when I'm really believing God is going to take care of us.  I can't help but be overwhelmed, again, by the gift of having Allison living down the street.  She stopped by the house to listen to her lungs and count her breaths, several times.  She let me call her on her cell phone any time and even said she'd come down in the middle of the night to check her before we took her to the E.R.- if it came to that.  Amazing.  We've gotten to know the sweet staff at her pediatrician's office well and they know us.  The last two nights, she's seemed to do better.  More sleep, more eating.  But, she also started wheezing a bit last night, which is another indicator that it's becoming harder for her to breathe- a worrisome thing.  This morning she was coughing more and obviously struggling to take a mucus-free breath.  I was worried.  We took her in to have her checked and prayed a lot that God would heal her on the way.  After Allison checked her, she said she sounded better even than she did last night (when she graciously came over to listen)!  I cried from relief.  She told us that she is incredibly impressed and surprised that Jubilee has handled this virus so well.  She said most babies her age and size would have been in the hospital by now.  She doesn't foresee her getting worse at this point, even though she'd still give her through tomorrow to be really watching for respiratory distress.  So, we see again how faithful and kind God is.  He both allowed this sickness into our household (and now half of us have colds!) and has kept it from doing its worst in the body of my tiny daughter.  I know I will continue to struggle with fear until she is all better but I am learning again(why do these lessons never stick??)  how to believe God in all things.  And, when I look on the Desiring God web page yesterday to listen to Pastor Piper's latest sermon- I am not surprised that it's on overcoming your anxiety based on John 14: "Let not your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God; believe also in me."

P.S. This is where I should have cute one-month old pics of little Jubilee, since today is her one-month birthday...  That will have to wait till she's all better and actually awake.

Another day.

On our way out to the butterfly rain forest.

There's a gentle tap of rain drops outside my window tonight.  A brief thunderstorm passed over the house and I had a few minutes to sit out on the back porch and watch the distant lightening light up the sky.  It wasn't completely dark yet- could it have already been past 8 o'clock?  Summer must be coming when the night is that light.  I tried to take a few deep breaths and thank the Lord for all His goodness before going back inside, where I knew Scotty might be waiting for me to take my turn to rock Jubilee and calm her for sleep.  I'm not sure if I totally blocked out Natty's newborn days or if Jubilee is just a bit more difficult.  She seemed harmless enough at first but we are into the third week now and her eating and sleeping haven't improved.  She still gets up about every 2 hours at night and is tough to get back to sleep a good part of the time after that.  Thankfully, she sleeps a good part of the day but nursing is always a challenge as my breast milk has some kind of tranquilizer in it.  I remember that feeling well of wondering if I'll ever be able to do anything else other than take care of the baby.  I remember things getting better, too.  I'm just hoping they do before we make the big move to Charlotte in early April.  I have to give credit to Scotty who always rises to the occasion and takes quite a bit of stress off of me during the night by rocking Jubilee whenever she can't fall back asleep right away.  He's an amazing man and tends to be more patient than me.

I turned 32 on Tuesday.  Really?  I'm still not quite sure I believe it.  I felt blessed that day.  Like I had every reason to be satisfied in the lot that God has given me.  I have a beautiful family and I have a mighty God that loves me and takes care of me.  I missed Zion a lot that day.  My mom cooked me a birthday breakfast and then the rest of the family ate it while I nursed.  Funny how that seems to happen more often than not.  We then went to the butterfly rain forest- more because I would enjoy watching Natty discover the butterflies than for myself.  But, it was a perfect day and all the flowers were in top form.  Baby J slept through it all and I even got in a good nap after we got home.  Scotty and I made a cheese fondue of sorts for dinner and enjoyed a few rare moments of peace and quiet together before we sacked out.  A good day.

Ooooh- it's your birthday!

So, I'll head to bed now and try not to obsess about what the night might look like and how much crying we may be in for and what if she doesn't eat well again.  The morning always comes and there is always more grace and strength for another day.

2 weeks

I can't believe our little baby is 2 weeks old today.  She was due to be C-sectioned yesterday and it was strange to think she had already been with us almost 2 weeks longer than we expected.  I continue to marvel at God's goodness in bringing her to us healthy, despite being a bit earlier than we hoped for.  Really, I marvel at a lot of things these days.  Her birth and life has been such a focus in our family ever since I found out I was pregnant.  The journey was long and I am grateful for each of you who joined us in it through prayer and reading my blog and kind words.  But, that part of the journey is over now.  The waiting, the fight for faith, the doubts, the excitement and anticipation- it's done!  And now we hold in our arms this tiny embodiment of all of that.  Jubilee!  I love to say her name.  It's even more special to me now that it has a face than it was before- even though the meaning of it has been so important.  She's the culmination of things hoped for and the proof that God does love to give His children good gifts.  This isn't to say that Zion's life and death was proof against this.  To enter into that theological conversation is more than I intend for tonight.  However, I do believe that in losing our son, God showed us His perfect love.  And in blessing us with a smooth pregnancy and beautiful, perfect little girl, He also showed us His perfect love.  So, again I feel the depth and the height of the bounty of the Lord in my life and just feel this need to share that with you all who have been such good friends in the last year or so.

So what does life look like with Miss Jubilee?  Very much what I remember the newborn days with Natty being like.  Getting up at night- a lot.  Nursing- A LOT.  Being sleepy but not being sure how much coffee I should drink before it's going to have negative effects on the baby.  Wondering when the days will become predictable.  And, maybe strange for some of you, but common for me- not quite knowing what to do with myself when I do get a spare second.  I feel a lot less stressed than when Natty was a baby.  I don't quite know that I'm doing everything right with feeding and encouraging her to nap- I feel like babies are so hard to read at this age.  But, I'm not freaking out about everything and actually have enough energy to want to do other things- like shop.  But, I'm taking the doctor's recommendation and laying low in the house for about a month to avoid the nasty germs floating around this time of year.  My birthday is next week and I'm trying to think of fun things to do away from crowds to celebrate.  I'm dying to go on a date with my husband, but I'm too lazy to attempt pumping and leaving a bottle.  Plus, it just seems too early to leave the little one yet.  Anyway- that's what's going on in the day to day.  Jubilee looks like quite a serious one, but I'm guessing that's cause she can't smile yet.  She sleeps a ton during the day and has figured out her days and nights but really hates to be laid down awake.  Rocking to sleep is the only way to go (and my amazing husband does that every night in exchange for my time nursing).  She cries little, compared to lots of babies and we'll have to wait and see what else time reveals about her.  Jubilee!!

The birth.

Heading up to the labor ward around midnight.

For several days before Jubilee was born, I had been wondering if I would make it to my pre-scheduled March 12th due date.  My body felt like it was gearing up for birth and although I hoped that it was the sensation some women have for weeks before their babies come, I had a hard time believing I was going to continue on like that for weeks.  As Scotty and I laid down for bed Monday night, he asked if I had the phone numbers I would need for doctors if something happened in the night.  I told him I did, but that I thought things would be fine at least until the morning, at which point I had an appointment already scheduled to see my doctor.  Well, a little before midnight when I got up to use the bathroom, the explosion of my water breaking signaled that we were on our way to meeting our little girl!  I sat in the bathroom, a little shaky, a little nervous, a little excited.  The same thing had happened with Zion- a totally unforeseen, surprising gush of water that left little room for other explanations.  I took a deep breath and called the number where I knew I could ask for a doctor on call and awaited further directions.  We didn't even know exactly how to get to the hospital!  I waited for a bit and finally a female voice picked up and said, "Lisa."  It wasn't a question, it was more of a statement.  "Lisa, this is actually Mags."  Mags!!  Maggie and Joel are friends that we have gotten to know and really enjoy in the small group we started attending at Vineyard.  She's been working for a short time at the hospital where I had planned to deliver and it's been nice to ask all my questions and express my niggling feelings to a friend that happens to also be an OB.  What a happy surprise to hear her voice on the line!  She told me to come in and assured me that my doctor would be notified and he would decide when to come in and do the C-section.  I couldn't help but think of how a friend from church had also been the doctor on call the night Zion was born.  What was God up to here?  We were excited and nervous as we threw our stuff in the car in the middle of the night- the exact scenario I had been praying would not happen.  But, I felt confident that things would turn out well this time.  The hospital was surprisingly busy and we were put in a temporary room, I was checked (only 1 cm dilated) and left to wait until Dr. Duff notified them of his plan.  Mags came back to share the news that he was not available and that she would do the surgery!  Although we were disappointed at first that he would not see the rest of the pregnancy out with us, I could not have wanted anyone other than a friend there and thought it was a fun and sweet little twist that God put on the story.  So, I was prepped and we tried to rest for a few hours while we waited to get into the OR.  My last experience in an OR was not a pleasant one- are they ever, really?  I prayed and prayed to control my nervousness and shaking (I'm sure there's a good reason they keep those places so cold) and felt much better once Scotty came in.  I also felt much better once my legs felt like bricks, as opposed to being able to wiggle my feet around when Zion was born.  That surgery was more painful than it should have been!  I happily distracted myself with Scotty while they cut away, trying not to think about what was happening in front of the green sheet but dying to hear the cry of my baby.  Oh, what a glorious noise!  Scotty told me he heard a faint cry from Zion when he was born, but I was already unconscious and never heard him make a sound.  To hear Jubilee's normal baby cry brought a huge smile to my face and a few sobs as well.  I will never forget that amazing sound.  I couldn't help but laughing and crying at the same time and saw her as soon as she was removed from my womb.  She was a lovely pink, not real big, and perfect.

Fresh out of the womb.

 As always, they whisked her away and all thoughts about anything else dissolved as I thanked God and enjoyed listening to her crying as they checked her out.  Scotty finally came back after a few minutes and I asked if she was doing well and if she had all her fingers and toes (what makes people ask that question, anyway?).  He said, "yeah, she has more than enough!  She has some extras."  What??  No, really- does she have them all?  He says, "she has an extra pinky on each hand!"  What??  Seriously, Scotty!  He assured me that she did in fact have a little extra digit that was not fully formed and didn't include any bone and would be quickly and easily removed a little later.  Weird!  Did she eat her twin?  How does this happen??  We found out later that it is normally a genetic trait that runs in families but there is none of that in either of our families (unless our parents are hiding something from us).  She later had them snipped off and now there is no sign of any sixth digit other than a tiny scab on each finger that is almost healed now.  Craziness.  So, things get wrapped up in the OR and I'm wheeled back to my temporary room and wait impatiently for Scotty to come back.  He comes without the baby, as the nurses had already assured me that in another hour or so I'd be able to see her.  Here, it helps having a friend as the doctor on call.  She pops in and I ask her if I can see Jubilee, at which point she talks to the nurses and escorts Scotty down to the nursery.  He is back shortly wheeling in our little girl!  Oh, she is so incredibly sweet and cuddly and little!  She latches immediately and we have a little nurse before they take us up a few floors to our permanent room upstairs.  The rest is a blur of sweet nurses and staff, interruptions by all manner of hospital people doing their job (including the cheeriest bunch of east European kitchen staff I've ever encountered), less sleep, and getting to know our new baby.  Natty was immediately drawn to her and did lots of happy dancing and singing around the hospital room.  Since then, she hasn't quite known what to do with her, but seems to respond well when I "talk" for Jubilee in a high pitched voice...I suppose she just wants to communicate with her and it's good enough when I do it.  We only had to stay 2 nights and were thrilled to leave with our incredibly healthy little peanut- driving away from the hospital in a fashion so different from that which we experienced with our beloved Zion.  To have it all done, to have reached the end and received the hoped for prize and to have completed this journey of pregnancy is a little surreal.  I can't believe it's over and I'm so glad in many ways that it is.  I've thought back many times over the whole experience- pin-pointing in my mind the details of God's constant faithfulness.  It's overwhelming, really.  It almost seems too good to be true.  I think we would find this a whole lot more with God if we would stop and really think about it.

My kind of morning.

We had one of those mornings that fits somewhere perfectly into a Hallmark greeting card or Sunday night special family movie.  It was in the low '80's and partly sunny with lots of wind and those great big clouds that practically fly by the higher ones that are like stretched out wisps of cotton.  I was busy washing myself or feeding the baby or changing the baby or brushing my teeth or some other endless activity so I asked Natty to ask Daddy to play for a bit.  I felt bad putting her off AGAIN to do something with Jubilee.  Having extra family members constantly around has been an amazing blessing but one that has not helped Natty realize that the world doesn't revolve around her.  Natty wanted to play chalk and in some supernatural lining up of the moon, stars and planets, Scotty and Natty were ready to go out and "do chalk" when Jubilee was fed and sleeping.  So, we all trucked outside with J in her car seat (we need a bouncy seat or something!) and started to play.  Scotty took his shirt off, which made Natty take her shirt off, which made me take my shirt off.

Don't worry, I had a sad looking, white nursing top with breast milk stains on it underneath.  I looked around to make sure that no neighbors were close enough to notice the stains, even though you couldn't miss my 5 month pregnant belly that was only cute when there was a baby in there.  Natty started running around in circles screaming "I'm naked!" and then her and Scotty continued to run wildly around the back yard.  My parents live on about an acre, but part of that land is a shared space with a bunch of other neighbors- a retention pond that rarely fills up.  It makes an awesome green space for running, hitting golf balls, flying kites and being an outdoor stage for the Miser antics.  I'm sure we were breaking any number of HOA rules and other PC code of conduct by letting our 3 year old run around topless.  I didn't care at the moment.  The clouds were rolling by, the wind was blowing, my newborn was sleeping peacefully in her car seat and my amazing husband was taking time to be with his family.  I couldn't help but think about Zion.  I knew there would be a mix of emotions and memories as we welcomed this new member into our family and it has happened here and there and usually when I don't expect it.  This morning I was very aware of his absence and as I spend time snuggling with, smelling, nursing and caring for a precious baby daughter, I am too aware of missing out on all that with my son.  Mixed with the pain is a constant realization that he is even more content than I could ever make Jubilee or him in my arms, but I still miss him.  But, as I watched my funny little girl and my sweet little newborn this morning, I was reminded to be thankful.  And, when I heard Natty cooing to Scotty as he put her down for a nap, "I love my family!", I know it is all worth it.

New baby.

Well, I'll blog about Jubilee's actual birth experience next time.  My time is limited, but instead of taking a nap, I'll give some fun details about how things are going.  Jubilee is so very sweet and tiny.  No one has been at all concerned about her weight (5lbs.15oz), she had 9 out of 10 for her Apgar scores, she has been deemed very healthy in her subsequent pediatric reviews and her color is great!  However, it's still a little disconcerting to me that she is so small.  And, like all newbies, she's lost a couple ounces.  Today, I also found out she is tongue-tied.  This means the piece of skin that holds her tongue to the floor of her mouth is short (although not terribly) and keeps her tongue from jutting out like it should.  The doctor wasn't concerned initially and said we could just keep an eye on it to see if it would inhibit breastfeeding at all.  We were happy with that, as I felt she was latching perfectly fine.  Then, a lactation consultant came by and watched her nurse and commented that she wasn't latching as well as she could and mentioned monitoring her weight gain.  Well, any potential for not gaining weight or having breast feeding issues in my mind was not an option.  So, we were able to catch the pediatrician from this morning, discuss it with him and he agreed to go snip this little piece of skin that would loosen her tongue.  It took about 10 mins and she was back in our arms, totally calm and not bleeding at all!  How snipping something inside your mouth could not hurt is beyond me, but she was nursing again in no time!  So, hopefully she'll figure out how to use that tongue right and we can move on.  She spent most of yesterday asleep, but we got a taste for her cry last night as she kept us up most of the night trying to entice us to play instead of sleep.  I should have known, since evening was always the time she was most active in utero.  We weren't totally unprepared for this possibility, but it is exhausting.  After denying the heavier drugs this morning out of some desire to not give in if not necessary, I realized how necessary it was to not be in so much pain and took a couple pills.  That gave me and baby J a chance to nap together and the world seemed like a better, calmer place after that.  And, I had a Krispy Kreme donut...almost as good as the drugs.  And (I'm a bit out of order here, but my brain is not fully functioning yet), weird of all weird- we called the nurse in for help yesterday and next thing we know, there is a kiwi accent at our door saying, "Did someone call for a nurse?"  And who does it turn out to be but an old SIM colleague who lived in the same region as us in Bolivia!  Her and her husband left the field in 2009 and we weren't sure what had become of them.  Having her walk into our hospital room was a huge and fun surprise and we were able to catch up with them and her hear all the latest from SIM Bolivia.  Crazy!  God has had some wacky things planned for us in all this...

So, those are the highlights so far.  Natty is pretty enthralled with "Baby Jubilee" and loves to touch her skin and say, "Soft, huh??" and kiss her on the head.  I'm not quite sure what to expect when we get home with her and I'm wanting/trying to play with Natty and help our new one learn how to sleep and get on a schedule of sorts.  We are incredibly grateful that our prayers for health have been answered and will continue to trust that she will stay well and grow into the big baby we were hoping for.  God has been so merciful and we can't wait to get to know our daughter more!

The end is near.

Today has been the epitome of dreary.  I woke up from restless sleep and found it to be grey and rainy outside.  The two trees in the front yard that we look at each morning from out bedroom window are completely leafless, not so common in North Florida where we enjoy mostly evergreen varieties that look happy all year round.  If I didn't know better, I'd think it could snow.  I decided to stay home from church this morning in order to give my body a rest.  Yesterday, I overdid my activity level and spent the majority of the day out- walking, standing, getting up and down numerous times.  It was a good day spent with my family and Scotty and I finished it out amazed at the sweetness of our little Natalie.  She's by no means perfect, as we parents know all too well, but I am daily grateful for her ability to maintain a good attitude and be a pleasure to be around in situations that some kids would not endure patiently.  She has this ability to make fun for herself- as long as we are out of the house.  In the house, she wants you to entertain and interact with her all day, every day.  When we go out shopping, she skips around the store pointing out shiny belts and pretty dresses and cooing over clothes like a teenager on a shopping spree- "OOohh!  Look at this pretty shirt Mommy!  Isn't it beautiful?"  Yesterday, as a friend took some last minute belly shots at a lovely outdoor venue in Gainesville, she ran around picking us flowers and looking for ants and generally having the time of her life while we posed and smiled and mostly ignored her when she wasn't a part of the shot.  I have to admit that the relative ease of having a child of this calm temperament and at an age where she can do most things for herself without needing my constant involvement is really nice.  I feel spoiled, even.  Then, I think about the days to come.  Starting over again from scratch with a newborn who will need me day and night and depend on me for food, comfort and even to help her sleep.  Part of me looks forward with great expectation to having such a little one again.  Part of me is a little fearful!  I think the problem is that I recognize my own selfishness and the great enjoyment of having my own time and not having to be bothered so often by tending to other people.  And yet, I believe so strongly in a woman's natural role and inclination to be a mother- including completely dying to self and putting the needs of others before ones' own.  Isn't this a mandate for all of us who are children of God?  But, seriously- who's really mastered that with no remaining struggle??

I'm also finding it harder as the due date approaches to not stir up anxiety in my heart.  I've been trying to figure out why it's actually increasingly difficult to be at peace now that I am technically full term than it was before this.  I know that I want with all my heart to make it to March 12th so that I and my family can play this whole thing out just as we expect it to.  I'm pretty sure there is still some baggage within me and terribly negative associations that come along with labor and delivery happening before the expected time.  And yet, I know that when it happens, it will not surprise the Lord who ordains all events and controls our days.  But, there's a pretty huge resistance in my mind when I think of stuff getting started earlier than it "should".  And lately, I have certainly noticed more and more signs that the end is near.  The last thing I wanted was to spend the last bit of my pregnancy weighed down by worry.  I feel like I'm in that situation where people tell you to enjoy something to the fullest (usually something that you know you will not experience again), but you're just not sure how or what that means.  I am more grateful to God than I can remember ever being for the time and experiences He's already given us and I just want to end with that same feeling of gratitude and not slip back into that daily battle of whether or not I can really trust Him.

Just some thoughts in these last days.  Although there are some tough things going on in my heart, I am so ready to meet Jubilee, to have her in our arms, to take care of her and experience this new season for our family.  God has brought much healing and so much joy through this new life.  I am thankful for her.

God provides

I know as Christians, we are aware of the scripture that promises that God will provide for us and we've probably thrown it out there to friends in need without necessarily even believing it ourselves.  But have you ever had one of those seasons or even moments where it just becomes so real to you- when you see the hand of God specifically meeting a need in your life?  This whole time back in the states has been proof after proof of God showing Himself faithful to us and providing in ways that are generous in only a way that God can be generous.  For me, His provision hasn't necessarily been to meet needs that couldn't have been met otherwise, but going above and beyond meeting our needs in order to show me that He cares for me and really does want me to experience good after wrestling with a lot of what felt to be bad.  Today is a prime example.  My gracious aunt had donated a car seat and stroller system to us to use for Jubilee and we went down to get the car seat checked out by the Shands Safe Kids program (totally a worthwhile, free program).  The lady who checked it out immediately noticed that it was 13 years old and said she could not be liable for installing a seat that is 7 years expired.  We totally understood and wouldn't want to use a seat that could be potentially dangerous, but were bummed that we'd have to buy a new seat just for the few months we'll have left in the US.  However, before the morning was over, we had someone give us a brand new seat!  God pretty much immediately provided that particular gift for us, even though we could have afforded to buy one if that was what we needed to do.  How awesome is that??  And, this was coming on a day where I was starting to feel nervous again about the pregnancy- a bit of concern over some aches and pains and pressures I had been feeling since yesterday.  I felt like the car seat gift was not just to meet that need but to also remind me not to worry- He has it all under control and it's going to be good.  It's a shame to me that I feel a bit corny writing it out this way, because it sounds a bit like a Sunday school lesson I probably heard a million times growing up.  But truly, the greatness and generosity of God has become so much realer to me in the last year or so than ever before in my life.  I love that God has used Zion's life to reach me in this way.

Scotty's coming home!

Chalking up the tree in the front yard.

I just talked with Scotty in the Toledo airport and am pumped that his road trip has come to a close.  It's been an incredible 2 1/2 weeks for him- reuniting with old friends, supporters and family members.  The Desiring God pastor's conference was a great time of encouragement and personal challenge for him and a special time of sharing this world with our good friend and Bolivian pastor, Edgar.  I know Scotty got a kick out of showing him some of his favorite Minneapolis haunts, as well as introducing him to special people that have been praying for our ministry and for Edgar and his family for years.  I wish I could have been there to see Edgar piling up his Target cart with all sorts of stuff that is nicer quality and cheaper here in the U.S.- I kind of have this mental image of that old game show "Supermarket Sweep" (I might be the only nerd that really liked that show) where people are racing around the aisles of the grocery store trying to buy as much expensive stuff as possible in order to win.  Anyway, I just keep thinking how gracious God continues to be in every aspect of this time in the states and how smoothly things lined up for him as he hopped around 4 states and back.

While he was away, he got some positive feedback about the blog that he shared with me.  I've been especially aware since our experience with Zion that there are people out there (you know who you are) who read and even follow the blog that I have never met or spoken with.  I suppose everyone likes a peek into the private world of another person who has dealt with struggles very much like their own.  Part of why I write this blog is because of a strong conviction that Christians need to be real and transparent with one another- and the world at large.  I firmly believe that God can handle our occasional doubts, questions, fears, irrationalities and general quirks.  I think He receives a lot of glory from those things being worked out as He sheds light into the dark places where we sometimes walk.  I hope that's what's happening here from time to time.  Maybe I've mentioned it before- but it gives me pause to realize that there is an audience larger than what I once realized before me.  I've been thankful to know that God has used the blog to encourage others who are struggling, but freak out just a little on the inside to think that maybe I'm supposed to be writing this deep and completely interesting material or people will wander away.  Lots of times, the blog is just a simple "here's what I've been up to" for those who really know me and care.  So, I suppose I'm just thinking aloud again (however loud the world wide web is) about this thing called Scotty and Lisa's big fat blog (can you tell we put a lot of thought into the name when we first started?) and what its purpose is.  Take from it what you will.

I'm 5 weeks from J-day- Jubilee's birthday.  5 weeks!  Did this pregnancy go by already?  Thinking back over the last 34 weeks sets off an explosion of thoughts in my mind like little pieces of confetti that have words on them and are laying around on the floor waiting to put into some comprehensible order.  Does that make sense at all?  My mind often tries to compare the thoughts I had at the beginning of the pregnancy of what it might look like with thoughts on this end of what actually happened and it all becomes a crazy mess of thoughts and emotions.  What continues to be outstanding is God's amazing grace through it all.  It sounds trite to say it- but I can't deny that it's true.  I didn't dare to even think or dream that things could have worked out as well as they have.  And even now, as I get big and round and sore with the growing baby in my womb, I still struggle to think it's all going to work out just right.  Every tightening of the belly brings a slight twinge of worry.  Am I going into premature labor again?  Should I be timing this?  Has this been happening a lot today without me noticing?  Would it be bad if it did?  Women are champion worriers.  God tells us real clearly not to do this.  I'm trying real hard to change this innate tendency and rest in His goodness.  And, I'm also trying to get myself motivated to get things in order before out daughter comes.  I need to borrow some clothes and baby equipment, wash little outfits and fill out hospital paperwork.  I probably should go ahead and order the cloth diapers we're going to use, even though it might be a few months after she's born before we launch into them.  I'm getting quite excited to meet our little girl- I already feel like she's part of the family!

Looking back and challenged by today

Before we left Bolivia, one of our dear teammates gave us a beautifully bound wooden book with a pink butterfly tile mounted on the front and brown paper pages.  I decided rather quickly that I wanted to make it into a baby book for Jubilee.  I'm somewhat artistic and love to write, but I'm not much for scrap booking.  I don't have the patience or creativity to cut out paper with special scissors or come up with fun captions and such.  So, I'm thinking I'll try to do more of a baby journal, with pics and some of the normal baby books things like "firsts" and birth facts and the like.  Scotty is out of town for a few weeks and I find myself with time on my hands in the evening.  I'm finding these nights to be very productive, whether it's catching up with reading, calling friends, or just working a little on projects that I've thought about but haven't made any progress on.  Tonight, I finally typed out some ideas of stuff I want to write in Jubilee's book and it's been a good mental walk through of the last 7 months and reminder of how God has graciously worked in my life in that time.  It seems like eons ago that I found out I was pregnant.  I think anything pertaining to our life in Bolivia just feels like it was long ago because we are in such a different world here.  Thankfully, bed rest seems like it was a long time ago and I actually don't look back with any sort of bitterness because God blessed me so greatly during that time.  I saw a whole new depth of sacrificial love coming from my husband, a new sense of community through the families who reached out to us in the neighborhood, made some precious memories with my compassionate little 3 year old who loved just to sit by me and be together, and generally felt so insanely well-cared for that I have no complaints that are worth voicing.  I also wrote a bit about God's divine intervention in my fear-clouded mind at the beginning of the pregnancy and the way that He powerfully pulled me from that dark place to a place of resting in Him and His ability to wholly care for us.  I haven't even gotten to the part where we arrive in the states and might need to reserve a whole chapter for the awesome ways that God has worked things out for this home assignment.  Wow!  I struggle(d) so much after Zion died with thinking that God could only reveal deep things about Himself in my life through suffering, but I get the feeling He's proving me wrong on that one and going crazy to show me how much He delights in blessing me.  It is good and so undeserved.

I'm loving that this time is allowing me to slow down and take deep breaths.  Yoga videos especially help with that.  Seriously though, it is hard even when you don't have a lot of responsibility and there are 2 extra family members to help occupy the time of your one child, to slow down and be at rest.  Truly there are an infinite number of ways to fill your time, stay "busy", make unnecessary things necessary, and generally move yourself quickly through life without doing a whole lot of worthwhile things or taking time to see God.  I've even found myself less involved with Natty these days because she is so entertained by my parents and I have other things I "need" to be doing.  I'm starting to realize how little time is left before a new baby will be on the scene and I won't be able to hang out with Natty as much as I might like.  I want to carve out special time for the two of us, especially while Scotty is out of town.  I also want to take more time to pray.  For those of you who think (and I'm so one of you) that if you just had more time to pray, you would do it more often...I bet it wouldn't be as easy as you think.  I have enjoyed consistent Bible reading and prayer with my coffee in the morning, but how awesome would it be to take even more time- by myself and with my husband??  I'm going to work on this while Scotty is gone, too.  And, I want to remember what I learned while on bed rest- sometimes not doing anything is the best thing you can do!  I felt so justified in just sitting around the house all day with my daughter because I knew it was what I had to do to take care of myself and my unborn child.  So, I delighted in snuggling on the couch with Natty and playing toddler computer games.  I loved just hanging out with a mom from church and talking about everything and nothing.  Natty and I would sit on her bedside and stare out the window and play "I spy".  All of these things were more enjoyable when there was nothing else that could take me away from doing them- I wasn't allowed to do anything else.  But here, now that I am free, everything else vies for my time and attention.  Have we been to the library recently?  Or had a play date?  Or gone shopping?  Or any number of other things that concern only me?  It's hard for me just to sit down with my daughter and play uninterruptedly for much time at all before my mind starts wandering to how we can "maximize" our time in the states.

Anyway, I digress.  Doctor's appointment in the morning.  The first of my weekly visits until the end.  Believing all will be well!

Donuts and gators

So we had a family afternoon today and decided to start out the activities with a trip to Krispy Kreme.  Next to birthday cake, this is probably my favorite sweet treat.  I always have the same experience when I eat a KK donut.  First, is the heavenly flavor that just doesn't compare to anything else in the world.  The donut always disappears too fast and before I know it, my hands are empty and my belly is feeling sugary and in need of some kind of protein to balance the extremeness.  Then, the doubt sets in.  Should I have gotten the plain, classic, glazed?  What about the raspberry filled?  Did I justify consuming these calories and artificial ingredients with the perfect snacking experience?  Did my hips just expand by 5lbs.??  I usually get over that line of thought quickly enough, but it always pops up and darkens my KK experience just a little.  Today, the three of us sat at an old-fashioned counter happily munching our donuts, sipping milk and trying to get a glimpse of donut-making action in the back factory.  Natty always goes for sprinkles and did a much better job of nursing hers along to "rest" in between bites.  We reminded her that as soon as she finished, we would head over to the lake on campus to look for alligators.  We wrapped it up and drove to my alma mater- a beautiful, Florida campus filled with brick buildings and big oak trees and thin, tan girls running in short shorts.  Today was the perfect winter day- blue skies empty of clouds and cool enough to warrant a long-sleeved shirt.

 Scotty dropped me and Natty off by the lake and we sat down on a park bench to wait for him to park and to scope out potential alligator spots.  I think that I've never not seen a gator when walking around this lake, but today we were out of luck.  We enjoyed throwing things in the water to attract fish, walking the dirt paths, scuffling in the dead leaves, calling the gators and snapping photos.  This kind of day is what I dreamed of while sitting on my tush in La Paz, hoping that I could participate in these types of activities with Natty and Scotty.  Scotty and I reminisced about the day we went to the lake and had a friend take engagement pictures of us shortly before we were married.  It felt a little odd to be walking on the same campus, 10 years after graduating (no way!) as a young, naive girl to current day me with my husband, daughter and baby-to-be.  But, it was just the kind of thing we love to do and as much of a bummer as it was to not see any gators, it sure was another fulfillment of so many hopes and dreams I had before coming back.

I am an introvert.

It's gorgeous weather today- perfect blue skies and temps in the high 60s.  There are few leaves on the trees right outside my bedroom window, which makes it look more wintry than it really feels.  I'm trying to finish up my book about introverts in the church and decide if I agree completely with everything the author believes about how introverts should think and respond to the practices of mainstream, American evangelical churches.  I have wrestled all my life with my tendencies toward being solitary and independent, because it is easiest and most comfortable to me, in the context of Christian community.  I know that it is healthy to push myself a bit in these areas and be an active part of the bigger picture.  The challenge is figuring out how much a part of that picture I "should" incorporate into my daily life and walk with the Lord and how much to accept the personality that God has given me and work within the introverted mindset, knowing that we all make up the different parts of the body of Christ.  This book has definitely given me some ideas to chew on, but I feel like I've been led to believe for so long that an extrovert fits into the church more easily, that I don't know if I'm sorting through these issues with that stuck in the back of my mind or if I'm uncomfortable with some of the author's theories because they don't strike me as particularly Biblical.  It's all a bit muddled at the moment...  One thing that rang very true to me was a list of introvert attributes, most of which I resonate completely with.  I'll list those here:

1.  Prefer to relax alone or with a few close friends
2.  Consider only deep relationships as friends
3.  Need rest after outside activities, even ones we enjoy
4.  Often listen but talk a lot about topics of importance to us
5.  Appear calm, self-contained and like to observe (notice the word "appear"- things aren't always inside as they seem on the outside)
6.  Tend to think before we speak or act
7.  May prefer a quiet atmosphere
8.  Experience our minds going blank in groups or under pressure (yes yes yes!)
9.  Don't like feeling rushed
10.  Have great powers of concentration
11.  Are territorial- desire private space and time
12.  May treat their homes as their sanctuaries
13.  May prefer written communication (hence, the blog)
14.  Do not share private thoughts with many people.  Scotty found this one particularly amusing as my blog has led me to share very private thoughts with lots of people.  But, the benefit of writing for an introvert is that I don't have to tell any of you these things face to face, which would be much harder for me.

Can you see how many of these might make being a missionary very challenging??  There are certain expectations of having the right answers in the moment, always being available for people, having an "open-door" policy at your home, leading Bible studies, etc... that don't come at all naturally for me.  I have realized more and more that my struggles relate to being an introvert, but for a long time, I just thought I was a selfish person.  Ok, well, I really am, but it's not just that.  It's good that the author leads you through some practical steps to determining what you might need to incorporate into your life as an introvert to be able to find the refreshment and times of reflection that fill you up for continued ministry.  Scotty has done a good job helping me do that and trying to protect me from too much activity, even when I know he doesn't understand my hesitance.

Well, I could go on, but I wasn't even planning on blogging on this subject to such depth today.  :)  I'll save other thoughts for another day.

Scars.

As you ladies (or husbands of ladies) who have had C-sections know, the major surgery that brings your baby into the world leaves a scar.  The mark probably varies from woman to woman, but the scar left on my body from Zion is pretty thick, pretty hard and a bit crooked.  The last time I was at the doctor, he mentioned cleaning up the scar when he does the C-section for Jubilee.  He said he'd cut out the old scar and somehow close the new incision from underneath in a way that leaves something smaller, lighter, less noticeable.  That sounded good.  When we were worshiping at church this morning and pondering what God has ahead of us in the new year, I felt Him guiding my thoughts back to the conversation with the doctor about my scar and showing me that He was going to do some metaphoric scar lifting as well.  Throughout this pregnancy, I've felt led to believe that it was going to be different this time.  God has been challenging me to believe He could and would do a new thing that turns out differently from what we experienced with Zion and to trust that Jubilee, as her name implies, will bring us great joy and rejoicing.  Today, I felt like He was telling me that He was going to use her birth- a healthy, uneventful, good one- to cut some of the ugliness out of the scars on my heart left from losing my son.  Experiencing what I've come to believe just isn't possible for me- a good and normal outcome of pregnancy- will be used by the Lord to soften that scar that losing a baby too early left behind.  He's going to cut that ugly scar away and what will be left will still be a mark- each baby leaves a profound one behind in one way or another and I wouldn't want to ever lose the marks Zion left on our lives.  However, He's going to stitch differently this time in a way that makes that wound a bit smaller and brings healing.  As often as I've gotten this impression, I still have a hard time believing that it could be true for me.  I wrestle with not wanting to give into the sense of relief that because I want to somehow prepare myself for the worst, or at least something hard. He's already been so good to give me this period of rest and joy and actual enjoyment of my pregnancy that I was longing for- but it still isn't enough sometimes.  I even almost chose to not write this blog until after Jubilee would be born, in case it didn't turn out as I great as I'm hoping...  But, maybe this year God is wanting me to not only believe in, but experience in a new way the good and enjoyable gifts He loves to give His children.  This part of His character is something I've doubted from time to time since losing Zion.  I'd love to be taught otherwise.

Highlights

Here's some random bits of life that have happened here lately:

Funny things Natty has said-
   
     "Mommy, can I get a tattoo?"
     "I don't really love God.  I like him, I guess.  Maybe I'll love Him when I'm older."  This one, by the way, is hard for any Christian parent to admit that their child said when reading about a lot of other Christian mommies memorizing scriptures with their kids, listening to them praying for their friends, etc...  Natty has a very real, rebellious sin nature and it is terrifying to see it.  However, it reminds us that we can't force the gospel on her, that God's own Spirit must work to change her heart, even at this age.  We certainly are reminded to pray more fervently when she says things like this.

Natty's top 2 enjoyments of the Christmas season:
1. opening presents
2.  decorating the tree with Nana

Lisa's top 2:
1.  watching Natty open presents and decorate as well as share often why we are really celebrating
2.  food

Highlights of 2011, in random order
1.  spending 2 months with our parents visiting us in La Paz at the beginning of the year
2.  getting back into ministry after losing Zion
3.  celebrating Natty's third birthday with her favorite Bolivian friends and their mommies
4.  finding out we were expecting again
5.  back to back visits from friends in Minneapolis and Charlotte
6.  SIM annual retreat with the whole Bolivia crew- so glad Natty was old enough to enjoy the kids program this year
7.  enjoying the outpouring of love and help provided by our Mallasilla and church friends.  This included frequent baby-sitting, bringing of food, coming to visit with food, coming to visit with kids to play with Natty, lots of prayers and phone calls.
8.  coming back to the US
9.  hearing that my body looks normal and I could get off my rear and do something!!!
10.  celebrating Christmas in my hometown with my family

Aspirations for 2012:
Thrive.  It's hard to make resolutions when everyone seems to try it and then get to the end of the year and realize they didn't complete their list.  I'm not big on making resolutions, but I do like to look back at my last year and see what I did well or didn't do well and how I could continue or improve certain things.  This year is going to be unique because three months in, there will be a baby Jubilee born.  She will make it hard to do anything productive, other than take care of her for a bit.  Then, we'll go back to Bolivia and spend a few months adjusting back to life and ministry there, while continuing to balance the needs of 2 small kids.  And, we want to build a house.  Yikes!  So, my idea is that I might try to work in a good, though-provoking Bible study before Jubilee is born for my own edification and then just see what happens after that.  I want to continue reading the Bible through each year, which I feel I've got a good habit of doing...although I could stand to be a bit more consistent.  And, I'd like to be a bit more flexible with this baby's schedule than I was with Natty's- so that's something.  Generally, I would like to just make myself available as a friend to the ladies at church, have people over more and try to utilize the gifts God's given me without letting myself be taken captive by the introversion He's also created in me.

I'm currently reading a book called, Introverts in the Church: Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture, by Adam McHugh.  It's giving me a lot of insightful looks into the depth of who I am and some of those chuckles of "that's so me!".  So far he's touched a lot on why the Western church tends to esteem extroversion over introversion and the unique gifts introverts can bring into a Christian community.  He's just starting to scratch a bit at how introverts can use their personality as a crutch or excuse to not be more involved in people's lives and I'd like to hear some more about this, as I feel constantly compelled to overcome my solitary tendencies.  However, there's a lot of good, "it's OK that you're this way cause God can use you like this" happening, which is refreshing.

So, randomness completed.  May you all be blessed abundantly as you look at what the Lord has done in your life in 2011 and look forward to what He may do in 2012.  I'm most excited about bringing a healthy baby into the world, Lord-willing and enjoying another 6 months in our home country.

The fight.

It's funny (annoying) how quickly your emotions can swing back and forth when you're pregnant- or maybe just if you're me.  Tuesday we had another check-up with the doctor- we'll be going every 2 weeks now.  I'm at 28 weeks, which is the time when everything started going wrong in my pregnancy with Zion, so I was a bit anxious to find out the status of body at this point.  The doctor again saw no change in my cervix and was very pleased with my weight gain, blood pressure, etc...  It was another one of those times when things turned out as perfectly as you could hope they would- something that has characterized all of my appointments so far since arriving to the US.  I was thrilled and spent the rest of that day thanking God continually.  It feels so incredibly nice to live a mostly normal life and do the things that I want to do, within reason.  Then, the other night, Natty woke up absolutely terrified about something.  Her screaming was really traumatic to me that night and I found myself awake long after she had gone back to bed.  I don't know if it was a form of spiritual attack or just the tiredness (lots of things seem more serious and often more negative when you're awake in the middle of the night), but I started picturing what it would be like when the time came for us to return to Bolivia, and it wasn't pretty.  First, I imagined the actual process of getting there, which always includes a long overnight flight that is hard with one child that can't get comfortable and is up off and on throughout the night, usually crying from exhaustion.  But, this time there is also a small baby involved.  Flashbacks to our arrival in La Paz when Natty was just shy of 3 months were playing in my head when we had to break through the customs line and whiz past a confused/angry looking guard because our daughter had stopped breathing and was turning purple around the lips.  High altitude can do harsh things to little ones (and big, too).  I certainly can't help but think of a repeat of that with Jubilee, who will be 3 1/2 months old when we are slated to go back.  Then, there were scenes of La Paz.  I usually have no problem with the fact that Bolivia is a developing world and reflects that in different ways wherever you are, even the capitol.  However, that night, my feeling was that it was harsh, dirty, unwelcoming, scary.  After losing Zion there and a handful of other less than ideal experiences with doctors and hospitals, I often fear going back to raise not just one, but two children there.  It was hard to not be temporarily overwhelmed by these thoughts and even wonder what would we do if I just couldn't return.  I woke up in the morning not feeling anything quite that dramatic and marveling that just a few weeks ago, I was looking fondly at our beloved Bolivian home and family, missing our time there and experiences there with them.  Why so fickle??  I suppose this is just the reality of our lives.  There is real good here in the US and there.  There is real bad in both places, also.  There is a seemingly eternal quest to think in a way that is balanced and healthy, to remind myself of Who is controlling our lives and what we experience in them and to rest in His goodness, grace and power when the answers don't come easily.  I think my struggles are real but I think I can let them grow to monstrous proportions when I'm not careful, when I take my focus off of Christ.  The Bible is full of good promises that we must keep our eyes fixed, unwavering, on the Lord and He will give us peace, He will guide, He will make the path straight.  Sometimes that task is easier than at other times, but it's always worth the fight.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

There is something magical about Christmas time.  We feel it strongly this year, mostly because it is falling so close to our return back to the U.S.  All the traditions seem more fun this year, as well, because Natty is at that age where she can finally get into it.  She loves the Christmas tree- decorating it, turning it on, looking at the ornaments, putting presents under it.  We recently had a white elephant gift exchange with my parent's small group and she got such a kick out of helping people pick out a gift to open and squealing with anticipation while they slowly peaked at what was inside.  She wants to help everyone wrap presents and does a surprisingly good job of keeping a secret, since she's probably seen what everyone is receiving from everyone else.  She likes to tease me by saying, "We bought you something at the store today, Nana."  At that point (starting to get nervous she'll give away the surprise), I jump in and remind her that it's a secret and she whines at me, "Mommy- you don't have to keep telling me that.  I just want to say that we bought Nana something.  I'm not going to tell her what!"  As if it's foolish of me to remind my barely three year old daughter not to spill the beans.  It's been a challenge to find kids books in the library that talk about the real meaning of Christmas, always wanting to keep Jesus the center of our celebrations.  It's already hard enough to talk about spiritual things with such a young person.  How much is she understanding?  What if she just doesn't care?  I still haven't figured out exactly what traditions we want to incorporate into our family to take some of the focus off of giving to just our family and put it on being generous with those who have real needs.  It will look totally different in Bolivia than it would here.

Apparently, I'm the one enjoying the Christmas food the most.  I gained a few pounds more than the recommended weight increase for pregnant ladies last month.  I swear just landing in the U.S., at low altitude, bumps up your weight a few pounds.  So, my doctor has told me I can only gain 3 pounds in the next month.  What??  With Christmas cookies and egg nog and Christmas parties and my best girl friends coming into town?  Get real.

I have to share the good news that my last OB check-up when equally as well as the first.  I was a little nervous after a full month of activity, that things in my body might not be holding as strong as they were when I was inactive and the baby was smaller.  However, the doctor found all to be about the same and gave me the go-ahead to continue on as I was.  A small Christmas miracle for us!  He'll start seeing me every 2 weeks just to keep a close eye on things.

I continue to feel incredibly relaxed here.  Blessed to have time.  Time to sleep, to eat, to be with my family.  I think I've laughed a lot more in the last few weeks than in a long time.  I am grateful.

Update

Picnic at the park

The days seem to have sped up recently.  Maybe it's because I've actually had things to do.  As much as I think I'm saving myself time and energy doing online Christmas shopping, it can still be a very time-consuming task that often becomes mentally exhausting.  Do you ever have that feeling like the world at your fingertips can sometimes be a little overwhelming?  The options are nice, but can get a bit excessive if you don't find exactly what you want very quickly.  However, I'm not physically able to amble around the mall all afternoon and I don't have to deal with other shoppers, so I do prefer the web.  In the last couple of days, I've also searched as many engines as possible for the perfect beach front condo in the Charleston area for a dream beach vacation I've been planning on taking with both sets of our parents for next summer.  It's been several years since I've been to a beach where I can swim (the beach we went to last year in Chile is ice cold year round and not often even warm enough to be comfortable sitting on the sand in shorts).  So, on a purely selfish level, my biggest goal for this trip home is to get some good beach time in.  Natty, although born in a land-locked country, is drawn like a fish to the water and could probably happily dig in sand all day long.  I will give her this opportunity.  I'm a bit fearful to make a reservation now because there's still that part of me that thinks something is going to make Jubilee come too early and we won't be able to do our planned trip, but if I don't make reservations now, there won't be anything left soon.  It's going to be a reservation of faith.

Scotty and I had a lovely date last night, thanks to a ministry called the Micah Wessman Foundation, who sends care packages to families far and wide who have lost children.  They sent us an Applebees gift card and we indulged in appetizers, steaks and dessert on them.  That's my kind of date.  Scotty asked me at one point if I'd had any thoughts yet about how life and ministry might look different when we go back to Bolivia.  It's not the first time lately that I've realized that this is our first home assignment where talking about going back to Bolivia hasn't given me apprehension.  I've never doubted that we should return, but I usually have a sense that I didn't do enough in our last term or have sufficient vision for God's purpose for me there.  So early in a home assignment, I usually didn't want to think at all about returning, but just rest in being home and not have the (mostly self-inflicted) pressure of being a missionary.  I don't know exactly what to attribute it to, but there are 2 reasons I can think of that make me think differently this time.  One, time.  We've been in Bolivia as a married couple for over 5 years now.  There are rarely shocks when considering the culture.  We are fluent in the language, even though there will always be lots of room for growth.  It all feels so normal.  Two, friends.  I've always come back feeling like my relationships with Bolivians were lacking.  God has used both Zion's death and my bed rest to help me to see the depth of which people care for us.  I've had more meaningful conversations with people.  I've relied more on the church than I ever did before- more out of necessity than anything (it's easy to hide from people when you're an introvert).  I see God's grace in new ways through what He's allowed us to go through in the last year or so.  It's nice for Him to show me that.  So, I look at Bolivia fondly now and really do miss our lives there.  I wouldn't change being here at this time, as it's brought a lot of joy and peace to our hearts, but it's nice to feel that positiveness toward the place where God's called us.