If you were wondering...

If you were wondering how things were going with Jubilee, I'm taking some time tonight, when I'd normally be trying to sleep, to update the blog.  I'll probably regret it tomorrow, but it's the first time I don't feel absolutely exhausted and this is the only thing I can handle doing right now.  Jubilee is a newborn- truly.  I don't know if it's cause she was born so small or had a 2 week viral set back or I just have wrong expectations, but I thought things would have started to get a tinsy bit easier.  She still eats every 2 hours in the day time and is just now throwing in a few 3 hour stretches at night (along with 2 hours).  I've felt a bit trapped since she got sick because she has not been allowed out, not even outside.  So, the couple of times I have attempted to get out and do something has gone like this.  Nurse the baby while trying to convince her that she needs to hurry and not dawdle because I have places (place) to go.  Change her diaper, including dabbing Maalox onto her tiny bum sores (my babies have very sensitive skin), blowing on it until it is completely dry, repeating that process once or twice depending on how many times she pees or poops while I'm trying to do it, cover the whole thing with rash ointment and then try to nurse some more since I've woken her up with the diaper changing regimen.  Then, hand her off quickly to someone or rope Scotty into dealing with her on and off napping even though he should be working on his seminary course work.  Grab my purse and rush out the door as quickly as possible while driving the speed limit to my destination. Try not to grip the steering wheel too tightly and make a conscious effort to relax my body as I think about how very little time I have to do what I want to do and make it back to nurse again.  The other day, the destination was Plato's Closet.  This was my first time in the store and I didn't know much about it.  It is a thrift store shoppers paradise.  Cute clothes in great condition at great prices in mass quantities.  I almost drove myself crazy trying to try on clothes and find some post-pregnancy stuff to fit into in a half hour time frame.  I was completely overwhelmed and ended up buying about 4 things that I'm taking back.  All this because I'm not a good pumper and can't seem to get much milk, but I've got a Plato's Closet milk stash in the freezer for next time...

Anyway, I left Jubilee with my parents last night for Scotty's 40th birthday dinner.  She did great and we were only gone a couple of hours, so it was fine.  Nice to get that "first" out of the way and AMAZING to get out of the house and do something fun.  I've been thinking about Christian mommy blogs I've read in the last year or so that talk so much about learning to find joy in the little years and finding satisfaction in the calling that God has on us as mommies.  It all sounded great when I had one easy daughter.  Now, I have a newborn and I've found myself in the trenches again and often without a lot of joy or sense of purpose.  Just surviving from one sleepless night to the next and changing an awful lot of diapers.  How does it work?  I've been looking at Jubilee more intentionally lately.  Remembering how desperately we wanted a baby after Zion died.  Remembering how I would have been willing to endure anything to just have him alive with us.  How quickly I get discouraged when this one cries a lot or doesn't want to be put down to nap and I just need to get a shower.  It's tough to remember these lofty but true ideas when you're in the midst of it all.  And, I don't want to get caught in that trap of thinking in just a few more months she'll be easier or more enjoyable.  It's too easy to wish their lives away and before you know it, there's no more snuggly babies.

My in-laws are here until the end of the week, then there's Easter and our first trip to church since Jubilee's been born, then packing and leaving for Charlotte next week!  I'm excited about the transition, looking forward to seeing lots of friends up there, and nervous that it's going to be all a little too much.  Plus, this move signals the beginning of the end of our time in the US and honestly, my heart is not ready to go back to Bolivia yet.  More on that in another post.

Natty, by the way, is doing great and handling her new baby sister pretty well.  It's good that she's had grandparents to give her attention, but I've felt pretty rotten about not being around much for her.  I know that will change and I long to spend more time just playing with her and loving her.  She's an amazing little girl.

So, those are some random thoughts and an update, for what it's worth.  Now, I should turn in and take advantage of the sleeping baby to get some sleep myself.