Adoption.

You know that part in Lion King when one evil hyena says the kings name, "Mufasa", and the other one shivers with fear but than says, "Say it again!"?  Mufasa!  Ooooohhh!  Well, I feel a little bit like that just typing "adoption" into the subject line...kinda.  Adoption is something that we have contemplated since before having children, then put it off when we actually began having children, than felt very strongly about it again after losing Zion and now are somewhere in between all that- probably Scotty and I both right now in different places along the way.  In the last few months, I have really just wanted an email from God (who hasn't at one point or another) telling me what His FINAL WILL is for our family life as it regards children.  Wouldn't that be nice?  However, I keep checking the inbox but the closest I can get is that hyena-like shiver when I repeatedly come across blog posts that talk about adoption or abortion (which is equally as powerful in convincing me adoption is so important).  So, I ask if these are meant to be little nudges along the way, cementing that feeling that God has opened our hearts to this for a reason.  Ministry, life, marriage and two little girls keeps us from really feeling like we're in the right place to move ahead with the process- and, if I'm honest, a little bit of fear, too.  What happens if our baby has attachment issues or grows up to deal with any number of other common things that I won't even let myself read about yet?  How will this affect our planned time in the US (needing to stay a couple years in Bolivia after we adopt)?  Can we do it at the same time as building a house?  Do we really want to introduce a little boy into a little girls' world?  Do I want the abundance of energy that comes with little boys when I'm so used to sweet, low-key girls?  I'm not saying these are legitimate or even realistic excuses or problems- I'm just throwing out there some of the hang-ups that have passed through my mind at one point or another.  I am reading an excellent book by Russel Moore called Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches.  He spends a lot of time in the first part of the book trying to help you understand what it really means to be an adopted child of God, our legitimacy as sons and daughters of the Lord and what this means for us in the church- the family of God.  Then, he moves on to how this should affect how the church thinks about the adoption of children.  So far it has been quite a tool to convince me that we should adopt.  A friend of mine said I should read books that try to convince me not to adopt so that if I still come away from those wanting to adopt, I'll know it's from the Lord.  I'm not so sure that would actually be helpful but I do think that I need to spend some time evaluating the fears that I have and asking the Lord to show me what of my thoughts are based on a lack of trust in His plan for our family.  It wouldn't be the first time that doubt has sprung up, but I don't want it to rob me of the opportunity to bless and be blessed by another child.  So, this is where we are.  I hope to move beyond this soon.  I think, with much fear and trembling, I can say that I hope to move forward and see who God has pre-ordained to expand our family.

May 7, 2013

Life doesn't always lend itself to fit succinctly into a blog, so I'll just share some bits of information about my life of late.  We had a friend from our Vineyard church in Gainesville come down to see our life and pitch in for 6 days last week.  He and his wife lead the small group we were so blessed by during our stint in Florida last year and we loved that he was able to take a clear vision back of what it is we do, don't do and talk about doing.  Scotty had him working on a few small projects and we got to introduce him to some of our favorite foods and take him to Lake Titicaca.  He also got to experience the three-day yearly festivities celebrating our little town of Mallasilla.  Under normal circumstances, we try to flee during these 3 days but it wasn't possible this year and we managed to survive, just barely.  The music started up in the mid-afternoon each day and progressively got louder until things shut down around 3am.  Just when I thought it couldn't get more obnoxious or louder- it did.  And then some.  However, I am very grateful that the girls slept (mostly) well, as only small children do a midst chaos.

A highlight for both Scotty and me in the last couple of weeks was spending time individually with a certain couple in our church who also live in our neighborhood.  I was co-leading the women's Bible study with the wife and Scotty was helping the husband prepare to lead, for the first time, our small group.  More on that in our newsletter.  I've also had the lovely opportunity of being downtown more than usual in an effort to straighten out a mess (not my fault) that is my Bolivian ID paperwork.  No need to spend time ranting about that- we're almost at the place where nothing about paperwork here surprises us anymore.  Plus, I got to have a good conversation about God and the Bible with the guy who helps us with our paperwork.  So, that's cool.

Here's some little things that have made me happy recently:  I love to see proof of the lives of my children after they go to bed.  Baby stuffed animals and books on my dresser.  Stickers and paper with art work scribbled on the coffee table.  Sticky high chair tray and dirty onesies on the floor.  It makes me feel like my life is busy with special work and calls to mind the sweet and silly faces of my daughters.  It's starting to get cooler.  I have to admit, I actually am enjoying the crisper weather with bright blue skies- especially when I'm walking past the house with the wind chimes singing in the breeze.  I love how snuggly Jubilee is.  And I (kinda) love how she yelps and snorts and makes all sorts of pokes at me in the morning to get my attention when she comes into bed with us because we want Natty to sleep a little longer (they share a room).  I love how my husband can visualize our future home and how to design it to our utmost satisfaction and usage.  I have so enjoyed spending more time reading lately- mostly because I'm reading Anna Karenena, which is very well written with very complex characters.  I also am continually confronted, in a good way, with what special and meaningful friendships I have here.  Sometimes I hold my breath because I wonder if it will always be that way.  And even though I can't say they're purely happy thoughts, strong emotions related to Zion will unexpectedly flood into my day or moment that make me stop and consider my boy.  They almost always come out of no where and they are always such a weighty mix of profound sadness and at the same time, wonderful peace.  God does that, I think, to keep me from never forgetting what He showed me through the life and death of my son about Himself and to keep me sharp.  How I wish he could be here.