Adoption.

You know that part in Lion King when one evil hyena says the kings name, "Mufasa", and the other one shivers with fear but than says, "Say it again!"?  Mufasa!  Ooooohhh!  Well, I feel a little bit like that just typing "adoption" into the subject line...kinda.  Adoption is something that we have contemplated since before having children, then put it off when we actually began having children, than felt very strongly about it again after losing Zion and now are somewhere in between all that- probably Scotty and I both right now in different places along the way.  In the last few months, I have really just wanted an email from God (who hasn't at one point or another) telling me what His FINAL WILL is for our family life as it regards children.  Wouldn't that be nice?  However, I keep checking the inbox but the closest I can get is that hyena-like shiver when I repeatedly come across blog posts that talk about adoption or abortion (which is equally as powerful in convincing me adoption is so important).  So, I ask if these are meant to be little nudges along the way, cementing that feeling that God has opened our hearts to this for a reason.  Ministry, life, marriage and two little girls keeps us from really feeling like we're in the right place to move ahead with the process- and, if I'm honest, a little bit of fear, too.  What happens if our baby has attachment issues or grows up to deal with any number of other common things that I won't even let myself read about yet?  How will this affect our planned time in the US (needing to stay a couple years in Bolivia after we adopt)?  Can we do it at the same time as building a house?  Do we really want to introduce a little boy into a little girls' world?  Do I want the abundance of energy that comes with little boys when I'm so used to sweet, low-key girls?  I'm not saying these are legitimate or even realistic excuses or problems- I'm just throwing out there some of the hang-ups that have passed through my mind at one point or another.  I am reading an excellent book by Russel Moore called Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches.  He spends a lot of time in the first part of the book trying to help you understand what it really means to be an adopted child of God, our legitimacy as sons and daughters of the Lord and what this means for us in the church- the family of God.  Then, he moves on to how this should affect how the church thinks about the adoption of children.  So far it has been quite a tool to convince me that we should adopt.  A friend of mine said I should read books that try to convince me not to adopt so that if I still come away from those wanting to adopt, I'll know it's from the Lord.  I'm not so sure that would actually be helpful but I do think that I need to spend some time evaluating the fears that I have and asking the Lord to show me what of my thoughts are based on a lack of trust in His plan for our family.  It wouldn't be the first time that doubt has sprung up, but I don't want it to rob me of the opportunity to bless and be blessed by another child.  So, this is where we are.  I hope to move beyond this soon.  I think, with much fear and trembling, I can say that I hope to move forward and see who God has pre-ordained to expand our family.