2 weeks

I can't believe our little baby is 2 weeks old today.  She was due to be C-sectioned yesterday and it was strange to think she had already been with us almost 2 weeks longer than we expected.  I continue to marvel at God's goodness in bringing her to us healthy, despite being a bit earlier than we hoped for.  Really, I marvel at a lot of things these days.  Her birth and life has been such a focus in our family ever since I found out I was pregnant.  The journey was long and I am grateful for each of you who joined us in it through prayer and reading my blog and kind words.  But, that part of the journey is over now.  The waiting, the fight for faith, the doubts, the excitement and anticipation- it's done!  And now we hold in our arms this tiny embodiment of all of that.  Jubilee!  I love to say her name.  It's even more special to me now that it has a face than it was before- even though the meaning of it has been so important.  She's the culmination of things hoped for and the proof that God does love to give His children good gifts.  This isn't to say that Zion's life and death was proof against this.  To enter into that theological conversation is more than I intend for tonight.  However, I do believe that in losing our son, God showed us His perfect love.  And in blessing us with a smooth pregnancy and beautiful, perfect little girl, He also showed us His perfect love.  So, again I feel the depth and the height of the bounty of the Lord in my life and just feel this need to share that with you all who have been such good friends in the last year or so.

So what does life look like with Miss Jubilee?  Very much what I remember the newborn days with Natty being like.  Getting up at night- a lot.  Nursing- A LOT.  Being sleepy but not being sure how much coffee I should drink before it's going to have negative effects on the baby.  Wondering when the days will become predictable.  And, maybe strange for some of you, but common for me- not quite knowing what to do with myself when I do get a spare second.  I feel a lot less stressed than when Natty was a baby.  I don't quite know that I'm doing everything right with feeding and encouraging her to nap- I feel like babies are so hard to read at this age.  But, I'm not freaking out about everything and actually have enough energy to want to do other things- like shop.  But, I'm taking the doctor's recommendation and laying low in the house for about a month to avoid the nasty germs floating around this time of year.  My birthday is next week and I'm trying to think of fun things to do away from crowds to celebrate.  I'm dying to go on a date with my husband, but I'm too lazy to attempt pumping and leaving a bottle.  Plus, it just seems too early to leave the little one yet.  Anyway- that's what's going on in the day to day.  Jubilee looks like quite a serious one, but I'm guessing that's cause she can't smile yet.  She sleeps a ton during the day and has figured out her days and nights but really hates to be laid down awake.  Rocking to sleep is the only way to go (and my amazing husband does that every night in exchange for my time nursing).  She cries little, compared to lots of babies and we'll have to wait and see what else time reveals about her.  Jubilee!!

The birth.

Heading up to the labor ward around midnight.

For several days before Jubilee was born, I had been wondering if I would make it to my pre-scheduled March 12th due date.  My body felt like it was gearing up for birth and although I hoped that it was the sensation some women have for weeks before their babies come, I had a hard time believing I was going to continue on like that for weeks.  As Scotty and I laid down for bed Monday night, he asked if I had the phone numbers I would need for doctors if something happened in the night.  I told him I did, but that I thought things would be fine at least until the morning, at which point I had an appointment already scheduled to see my doctor.  Well, a little before midnight when I got up to use the bathroom, the explosion of my water breaking signaled that we were on our way to meeting our little girl!  I sat in the bathroom, a little shaky, a little nervous, a little excited.  The same thing had happened with Zion- a totally unforeseen, surprising gush of water that left little room for other explanations.  I took a deep breath and called the number where I knew I could ask for a doctor on call and awaited further directions.  We didn't even know exactly how to get to the hospital!  I waited for a bit and finally a female voice picked up and said, "Lisa."  It wasn't a question, it was more of a statement.  "Lisa, this is actually Mags."  Mags!!  Maggie and Joel are friends that we have gotten to know and really enjoy in the small group we started attending at Vineyard.  She's been working for a short time at the hospital where I had planned to deliver and it's been nice to ask all my questions and express my niggling feelings to a friend that happens to also be an OB.  What a happy surprise to hear her voice on the line!  She told me to come in and assured me that my doctor would be notified and he would decide when to come in and do the C-section.  I couldn't help but think of how a friend from church had also been the doctor on call the night Zion was born.  What was God up to here?  We were excited and nervous as we threw our stuff in the car in the middle of the night- the exact scenario I had been praying would not happen.  But, I felt confident that things would turn out well this time.  The hospital was surprisingly busy and we were put in a temporary room, I was checked (only 1 cm dilated) and left to wait until Dr. Duff notified them of his plan.  Mags came back to share the news that he was not available and that she would do the surgery!  Although we were disappointed at first that he would not see the rest of the pregnancy out with us, I could not have wanted anyone other than a friend there and thought it was a fun and sweet little twist that God put on the story.  So, I was prepped and we tried to rest for a few hours while we waited to get into the OR.  My last experience in an OR was not a pleasant one- are they ever, really?  I prayed and prayed to control my nervousness and shaking (I'm sure there's a good reason they keep those places so cold) and felt much better once Scotty came in.  I also felt much better once my legs felt like bricks, as opposed to being able to wiggle my feet around when Zion was born.  That surgery was more painful than it should have been!  I happily distracted myself with Scotty while they cut away, trying not to think about what was happening in front of the green sheet but dying to hear the cry of my baby.  Oh, what a glorious noise!  Scotty told me he heard a faint cry from Zion when he was born, but I was already unconscious and never heard him make a sound.  To hear Jubilee's normal baby cry brought a huge smile to my face and a few sobs as well.  I will never forget that amazing sound.  I couldn't help but laughing and crying at the same time and saw her as soon as she was removed from my womb.  She was a lovely pink, not real big, and perfect.

Fresh out of the womb.

 As always, they whisked her away and all thoughts about anything else dissolved as I thanked God and enjoyed listening to her crying as they checked her out.  Scotty finally came back after a few minutes and I asked if she was doing well and if she had all her fingers and toes (what makes people ask that question, anyway?).  He said, "yeah, she has more than enough!  She has some extras."  What??  No, really- does she have them all?  He says, "she has an extra pinky on each hand!"  What??  Seriously, Scotty!  He assured me that she did in fact have a little extra digit that was not fully formed and didn't include any bone and would be quickly and easily removed a little later.  Weird!  Did she eat her twin?  How does this happen??  We found out later that it is normally a genetic trait that runs in families but there is none of that in either of our families (unless our parents are hiding something from us).  She later had them snipped off and now there is no sign of any sixth digit other than a tiny scab on each finger that is almost healed now.  Craziness.  So, things get wrapped up in the OR and I'm wheeled back to my temporary room and wait impatiently for Scotty to come back.  He comes without the baby, as the nurses had already assured me that in another hour or so I'd be able to see her.  Here, it helps having a friend as the doctor on call.  She pops in and I ask her if I can see Jubilee, at which point she talks to the nurses and escorts Scotty down to the nursery.  He is back shortly wheeling in our little girl!  Oh, she is so incredibly sweet and cuddly and little!  She latches immediately and we have a little nurse before they take us up a few floors to our permanent room upstairs.  The rest is a blur of sweet nurses and staff, interruptions by all manner of hospital people doing their job (including the cheeriest bunch of east European kitchen staff I've ever encountered), less sleep, and getting to know our new baby.  Natty was immediately drawn to her and did lots of happy dancing and singing around the hospital room.  Since then, she hasn't quite known what to do with her, but seems to respond well when I "talk" for Jubilee in a high pitched voice...I suppose she just wants to communicate with her and it's good enough when I do it.  We only had to stay 2 nights and were thrilled to leave with our incredibly healthy little peanut- driving away from the hospital in a fashion so different from that which we experienced with our beloved Zion.  To have it all done, to have reached the end and received the hoped for prize and to have completed this journey of pregnancy is a little surreal.  I can't believe it's over and I'm so glad in many ways that it is.  I've thought back many times over the whole experience- pin-pointing in my mind the details of God's constant faithfulness.  It's overwhelming, really.  It almost seems too good to be true.  I think we would find this a whole lot more with God if we would stop and really think about it.

My kind of morning.

We had one of those mornings that fits somewhere perfectly into a Hallmark greeting card or Sunday night special family movie.  It was in the low '80's and partly sunny with lots of wind and those great big clouds that practically fly by the higher ones that are like stretched out wisps of cotton.  I was busy washing myself or feeding the baby or changing the baby or brushing my teeth or some other endless activity so I asked Natty to ask Daddy to play for a bit.  I felt bad putting her off AGAIN to do something with Jubilee.  Having extra family members constantly around has been an amazing blessing but one that has not helped Natty realize that the world doesn't revolve around her.  Natty wanted to play chalk and in some supernatural lining up of the moon, stars and planets, Scotty and Natty were ready to go out and "do chalk" when Jubilee was fed and sleeping.  So, we all trucked outside with J in her car seat (we need a bouncy seat or something!) and started to play.  Scotty took his shirt off, which made Natty take her shirt off, which made me take my shirt off.

Don't worry, I had a sad looking, white nursing top with breast milk stains on it underneath.  I looked around to make sure that no neighbors were close enough to notice the stains, even though you couldn't miss my 5 month pregnant belly that was only cute when there was a baby in there.  Natty started running around in circles screaming "I'm naked!" and then her and Scotty continued to run wildly around the back yard.  My parents live on about an acre, but part of that land is a shared space with a bunch of other neighbors- a retention pond that rarely fills up.  It makes an awesome green space for running, hitting golf balls, flying kites and being an outdoor stage for the Miser antics.  I'm sure we were breaking any number of HOA rules and other PC code of conduct by letting our 3 year old run around topless.  I didn't care at the moment.  The clouds were rolling by, the wind was blowing, my newborn was sleeping peacefully in her car seat and my amazing husband was taking time to be with his family.  I couldn't help but think about Zion.  I knew there would be a mix of emotions and memories as we welcomed this new member into our family and it has happened here and there and usually when I don't expect it.  This morning I was very aware of his absence and as I spend time snuggling with, smelling, nursing and caring for a precious baby daughter, I am too aware of missing out on all that with my son.  Mixed with the pain is a constant realization that he is even more content than I could ever make Jubilee or him in my arms, but I still miss him.  But, as I watched my funny little girl and my sweet little newborn this morning, I was reminded to be thankful.  And, when I heard Natty cooing to Scotty as he put her down for a nap, "I love my family!", I know it is all worth it.

New baby.

Well, I'll blog about Jubilee's actual birth experience next time.  My time is limited, but instead of taking a nap, I'll give some fun details about how things are going.  Jubilee is so very sweet and tiny.  No one has been at all concerned about her weight (5lbs.15oz), she had 9 out of 10 for her Apgar scores, she has been deemed very healthy in her subsequent pediatric reviews and her color is great!  However, it's still a little disconcerting to me that she is so small.  And, like all newbies, she's lost a couple ounces.  Today, I also found out she is tongue-tied.  This means the piece of skin that holds her tongue to the floor of her mouth is short (although not terribly) and keeps her tongue from jutting out like it should.  The doctor wasn't concerned initially and said we could just keep an eye on it to see if it would inhibit breastfeeding at all.  We were happy with that, as I felt she was latching perfectly fine.  Then, a lactation consultant came by and watched her nurse and commented that she wasn't latching as well as she could and mentioned monitoring her weight gain.  Well, any potential for not gaining weight or having breast feeding issues in my mind was not an option.  So, we were able to catch the pediatrician from this morning, discuss it with him and he agreed to go snip this little piece of skin that would loosen her tongue.  It took about 10 mins and she was back in our arms, totally calm and not bleeding at all!  How snipping something inside your mouth could not hurt is beyond me, but she was nursing again in no time!  So, hopefully she'll figure out how to use that tongue right and we can move on.  She spent most of yesterday asleep, but we got a taste for her cry last night as she kept us up most of the night trying to entice us to play instead of sleep.  I should have known, since evening was always the time she was most active in utero.  We weren't totally unprepared for this possibility, but it is exhausting.  After denying the heavier drugs this morning out of some desire to not give in if not necessary, I realized how necessary it was to not be in so much pain and took a couple pills.  That gave me and baby J a chance to nap together and the world seemed like a better, calmer place after that.  And, I had a Krispy Kreme donut...almost as good as the drugs.  And (I'm a bit out of order here, but my brain is not fully functioning yet), weird of all weird- we called the nurse in for help yesterday and next thing we know, there is a kiwi accent at our door saying, "Did someone call for a nurse?"  And who does it turn out to be but an old SIM colleague who lived in the same region as us in Bolivia!  Her and her husband left the field in 2009 and we weren't sure what had become of them.  Having her walk into our hospital room was a huge and fun surprise and we were able to catch up with them and her hear all the latest from SIM Bolivia.  Crazy!  God has had some wacky things planned for us in all this...

So, those are the highlights so far.  Natty is pretty enthralled with "Baby Jubilee" and loves to touch her skin and say, "Soft, huh??" and kiss her on the head.  I'm not quite sure what to expect when we get home with her and I'm wanting/trying to play with Natty and help our new one learn how to sleep and get on a schedule of sorts.  We are incredibly grateful that our prayers for health have been answered and will continue to trust that she will stay well and grow into the big baby we were hoping for.  God has been so merciful and we can't wait to get to know our daughter more!

The end is near.

Today has been the epitome of dreary.  I woke up from restless sleep and found it to be grey and rainy outside.  The two trees in the front yard that we look at each morning from out bedroom window are completely leafless, not so common in North Florida where we enjoy mostly evergreen varieties that look happy all year round.  If I didn't know better, I'd think it could snow.  I decided to stay home from church this morning in order to give my body a rest.  Yesterday, I overdid my activity level and spent the majority of the day out- walking, standing, getting up and down numerous times.  It was a good day spent with my family and Scotty and I finished it out amazed at the sweetness of our little Natalie.  She's by no means perfect, as we parents know all too well, but I am daily grateful for her ability to maintain a good attitude and be a pleasure to be around in situations that some kids would not endure patiently.  She has this ability to make fun for herself- as long as we are out of the house.  In the house, she wants you to entertain and interact with her all day, every day.  When we go out shopping, she skips around the store pointing out shiny belts and pretty dresses and cooing over clothes like a teenager on a shopping spree- "OOohh!  Look at this pretty shirt Mommy!  Isn't it beautiful?"  Yesterday, as a friend took some last minute belly shots at a lovely outdoor venue in Gainesville, she ran around picking us flowers and looking for ants and generally having the time of her life while we posed and smiled and mostly ignored her when she wasn't a part of the shot.  I have to admit that the relative ease of having a child of this calm temperament and at an age where she can do most things for herself without needing my constant involvement is really nice.  I feel spoiled, even.  Then, I think about the days to come.  Starting over again from scratch with a newborn who will need me day and night and depend on me for food, comfort and even to help her sleep.  Part of me looks forward with great expectation to having such a little one again.  Part of me is a little fearful!  I think the problem is that I recognize my own selfishness and the great enjoyment of having my own time and not having to be bothered so often by tending to other people.  And yet, I believe so strongly in a woman's natural role and inclination to be a mother- including completely dying to self and putting the needs of others before ones' own.  Isn't this a mandate for all of us who are children of God?  But, seriously- who's really mastered that with no remaining struggle??

I'm also finding it harder as the due date approaches to not stir up anxiety in my heart.  I've been trying to figure out why it's actually increasingly difficult to be at peace now that I am technically full term than it was before this.  I know that I want with all my heart to make it to March 12th so that I and my family can play this whole thing out just as we expect it to.  I'm pretty sure there is still some baggage within me and terribly negative associations that come along with labor and delivery happening before the expected time.  And yet, I know that when it happens, it will not surprise the Lord who ordains all events and controls our days.  But, there's a pretty huge resistance in my mind when I think of stuff getting started earlier than it "should".  And lately, I have certainly noticed more and more signs that the end is near.  The last thing I wanted was to spend the last bit of my pregnancy weighed down by worry.  I feel like I'm in that situation where people tell you to enjoy something to the fullest (usually something that you know you will not experience again), but you're just not sure how or what that means.  I am more grateful to God than I can remember ever being for the time and experiences He's already given us and I just want to end with that same feeling of gratitude and not slip back into that daily battle of whether or not I can really trust Him.

Just some thoughts in these last days.  Although there are some tough things going on in my heart, I am so ready to meet Jubilee, to have her in our arms, to take care of her and experience this new season for our family.  God has brought much healing and so much joy through this new life.  I am thankful for her.

God provides

I know as Christians, we are aware of the scripture that promises that God will provide for us and we've probably thrown it out there to friends in need without necessarily even believing it ourselves.  But have you ever had one of those seasons or even moments where it just becomes so real to you- when you see the hand of God specifically meeting a need in your life?  This whole time back in the states has been proof after proof of God showing Himself faithful to us and providing in ways that are generous in only a way that God can be generous.  For me, His provision hasn't necessarily been to meet needs that couldn't have been met otherwise, but going above and beyond meeting our needs in order to show me that He cares for me and really does want me to experience good after wrestling with a lot of what felt to be bad.  Today is a prime example.  My gracious aunt had donated a car seat and stroller system to us to use for Jubilee and we went down to get the car seat checked out by the Shands Safe Kids program (totally a worthwhile, free program).  The lady who checked it out immediately noticed that it was 13 years old and said she could not be liable for installing a seat that is 7 years expired.  We totally understood and wouldn't want to use a seat that could be potentially dangerous, but were bummed that we'd have to buy a new seat just for the few months we'll have left in the US.  However, before the morning was over, we had someone give us a brand new seat!  God pretty much immediately provided that particular gift for us, even though we could have afforded to buy one if that was what we needed to do.  How awesome is that??  And, this was coming on a day where I was starting to feel nervous again about the pregnancy- a bit of concern over some aches and pains and pressures I had been feeling since yesterday.  I felt like the car seat gift was not just to meet that need but to also remind me not to worry- He has it all under control and it's going to be good.  It's a shame to me that I feel a bit corny writing it out this way, because it sounds a bit like a Sunday school lesson I probably heard a million times growing up.  But truly, the greatness and generosity of God has become so much realer to me in the last year or so than ever before in my life.  I love that God has used Zion's life to reach me in this way.

Scotty's coming home!

Chalking up the tree in the front yard.

I just talked with Scotty in the Toledo airport and am pumped that his road trip has come to a close.  It's been an incredible 2 1/2 weeks for him- reuniting with old friends, supporters and family members.  The Desiring God pastor's conference was a great time of encouragement and personal challenge for him and a special time of sharing this world with our good friend and Bolivian pastor, Edgar.  I know Scotty got a kick out of showing him some of his favorite Minneapolis haunts, as well as introducing him to special people that have been praying for our ministry and for Edgar and his family for years.  I wish I could have been there to see Edgar piling up his Target cart with all sorts of stuff that is nicer quality and cheaper here in the U.S.- I kind of have this mental image of that old game show "Supermarket Sweep" (I might be the only nerd that really liked that show) where people are racing around the aisles of the grocery store trying to buy as much expensive stuff as possible in order to win.  Anyway, I just keep thinking how gracious God continues to be in every aspect of this time in the states and how smoothly things lined up for him as he hopped around 4 states and back.

While he was away, he got some positive feedback about the blog that he shared with me.  I've been especially aware since our experience with Zion that there are people out there (you know who you are) who read and even follow the blog that I have never met or spoken with.  I suppose everyone likes a peek into the private world of another person who has dealt with struggles very much like their own.  Part of why I write this blog is because of a strong conviction that Christians need to be real and transparent with one another- and the world at large.  I firmly believe that God can handle our occasional doubts, questions, fears, irrationalities and general quirks.  I think He receives a lot of glory from those things being worked out as He sheds light into the dark places where we sometimes walk.  I hope that's what's happening here from time to time.  Maybe I've mentioned it before- but it gives me pause to realize that there is an audience larger than what I once realized before me.  I've been thankful to know that God has used the blog to encourage others who are struggling, but freak out just a little on the inside to think that maybe I'm supposed to be writing this deep and completely interesting material or people will wander away.  Lots of times, the blog is just a simple "here's what I've been up to" for those who really know me and care.  So, I suppose I'm just thinking aloud again (however loud the world wide web is) about this thing called Scotty and Lisa's big fat blog (can you tell we put a lot of thought into the name when we first started?) and what its purpose is.  Take from it what you will.

I'm 5 weeks from J-day- Jubilee's birthday.  5 weeks!  Did this pregnancy go by already?  Thinking back over the last 34 weeks sets off an explosion of thoughts in my mind like little pieces of confetti that have words on them and are laying around on the floor waiting to put into some comprehensible order.  Does that make sense at all?  My mind often tries to compare the thoughts I had at the beginning of the pregnancy of what it might look like with thoughts on this end of what actually happened and it all becomes a crazy mess of thoughts and emotions.  What continues to be outstanding is God's amazing grace through it all.  It sounds trite to say it- but I can't deny that it's true.  I didn't dare to even think or dream that things could have worked out as well as they have.  And even now, as I get big and round and sore with the growing baby in my womb, I still struggle to think it's all going to work out just right.  Every tightening of the belly brings a slight twinge of worry.  Am I going into premature labor again?  Should I be timing this?  Has this been happening a lot today without me noticing?  Would it be bad if it did?  Women are champion worriers.  God tells us real clearly not to do this.  I'm trying real hard to change this innate tendency and rest in His goodness.  And, I'm also trying to get myself motivated to get things in order before out daughter comes.  I need to borrow some clothes and baby equipment, wash little outfits and fill out hospital paperwork.  I probably should go ahead and order the cloth diapers we're going to use, even though it might be a few months after she's born before we launch into them.  I'm getting quite excited to meet our little girl- I already feel like she's part of the family!