A Saturday.

It's the first day of December!  I am SO excited about Christmas this year.  I think Christmas is always special, but it seems extra-special for some reason.  Maybe because it's the first year Natty has been in Bolivia at an age to really get into it.  Maybe it's because last year I was big and pregnant and couldn't really walk a lot to enjoy stuff and the year before that I had just lost Zion.  With Natty's exuberance about everything and our sweet, little happy Jubilee-baby and the thought of Scotty finally having a good chunk of family-time...I'm really in the Christmas spirit!  We are also loving the idea of doing advent with our church family this year, for the first time.  A lot of Christmas traditions that are "normal" for us North-American Christians are not looked highly upon  in the Bolivian church or are just starting to be accepted as the church grows in maturity.  We see the need to spend the month of December preparing our hearts to really celebrate the coming of our King and remember all that means to us as His adopted children.  Natty and I made an advent calender out of matchboxes and she already enjoyed opening the first one this morning (and will be even happier when I fill the rest with candy along with the scripture)- we want to set the stage for not only a fun time of baking, Christmas music, presents, ornaments, and friends, but of recognizing how much Jesus Christ deserves all our worship as a family as we remember His coming.

Today is my favorite type of Saturday.  Yesterday, it turned cold and rainy and dreary- a perfect winter day here in the middle of Summer! :)  After the rains stopped, the band of Andes mountains outside of La Paz were sparkling white and very dramatic.  I wish I had taken a picture!  We thought of driving out toward them to find snow and play in it, since Natty has no recollection of snow yet, but other duties were on our mind.  This is the first day in weeks that Scotty doesn't have anything major to do, so we made breakfast this morning, read books, ate, watched part of The Iron Giant and then got the girls ready to go out.  First stop- Ketal!  Our large supermarket has many interesting things inside, but we were on the hunt for lunch (in the form of small, stew-filled cornbready snacks) and garland to house our church advent candles.  Saturday is THE DAY to shop as a family, so the store was already humming with activity.  We paused at one girl handing out food samples and all tasted a kid's vitamin drink.  Sweet and milky and when we asked if it had sugar, she answered, "No- it's normal."  Normal?  And how is it so sweet, then?  Anyway, we found what we were looking for, picked up a Christollen and headed to destination #2: Awesome toy store!  I don't know what this store is called, but it's in the back of a store filled with men's dress fabric.  It's the only place I've seen such a great collection of fun stuff, educational stuff and didactic stuff- it really is fun to look around there and it's good I'm a Miser, cause otherwise I would buy way too much.  We found the toy we wanted for Jubilee, bought it and went to the second large grocery store in town that has a decent furniture store inside.  I had seen a nice, leather chair there that I thought Scotty might like for Christmas and wanted him to look at it before I bought it.  Upon further inspection, it seemed more of a dark purple than brown (which is how it was labeled and how I initially saw it) and was a bit rickety.  Now I'm back to the drawing board with him for Christmas gifts.  We took a quick spin through the grocery store for a few more things and at one point another free samples lady came by and handed Natty a fairly good-sized styrofoam bowl.  I was curious what could be in there and when I peaked in to check it out, I was surprised and a bit amused to find a Natty-lunch sized portion of some type of Ramen noodle soup.  She looked at us nervously while we giggled about that free sample, maybe worried that it was something she shouldn't eat.  This store was also packed, but we managed to make good time, leave the crowds behind us and return to our cozy home for naps and the rest of the afternoon left to playing and resting and left-overs.

The end.

Ballet and census day.

Natty is a poodle in her first ballet recital.  I DID NOT do her make-up.  :)

 I will try to give a swift recap of the last few weeks, since Jubilee is threatening to cut her nap short today.  Yesterday, we signed Natty up for her first school!!  Kids start rather young in all-week nursery around here and it's something we decided not to do since Natty is so content at home and I wanted her with me as long as possible!  However, since starting ballet, I see how much she is enjoying other kids and we also recognize that her personality makes it tough for her to learn Spanish when she's not around Spanish speakers a whole lot.  So, at 4 1/2 (in February- the start of the school year), she'll be attending Emmanuel Christian school!  It's actually just a little place set up in a neighborhood near Scotty's office and is run by the sweetest Christian ladies.  Most of the kids are day-care age, but there is a pre-kindergarten and kindergarten class.  There seems to be very personal attention given to each child and a commitment to working closely with the parents.  We had seen one other school- a pre-K through 12, and it was big and scary and not what I was looking for.  After walking through this place with Natty and chatting with the staff, we felt very comfortable and I was confident it was much more suited to her tender personality.  I am thankful God led us there- it was something I had been praying about for quite some time!

Practicing before the show.

Natty had her first ballet recital(s) Sunday night and Monday.  She has grown from being terrified of ballet to walking in to the studio calmly and enjoying the other little girls.  She constantly dances around the house and mimics what the older girls are doing in their classes.  She encourages me to copy her and then praises me, "Good job, Mommy!" when I do it well.  We had a week full of rehearsals, lots of extra costs and then 2 fun nights of watching our daughter perform in front of a very full audience for the first time!  I think it was a bigger milestone for us than for her- I can't believe I have a daughter old enough to do anything on a stage!  I'd like to say she was the best dancer in the Baby Ballet class, but I have to admit that I was practically rolling in my seat as Natty missed her cues, had her hands often going in the opposite direction and generally got distracted as any other 4 year-old might do.  The second night, the ballet didn't start until after her bedtime and it showed in her performance.  The poor girl was so tired.

So exhausted after a long week and 2 performances.

We let her come home from her first night's show, after her bedtime, to an ice cream party with 2 friends and then they stayed up who knows how long playing in her bedroom before they finally fell asleep.  She's still making up those lost sleep hours.

Today is census day.  Every 10 years, a nation-wide census is taken and everyone is ordered to stay in their homes until 6pm.  This isn't like other days where you stay home but can roam freely.  They have threatened fines and even jail time if you don't stay inside your house- no walking!  Bummer.  However, it comes at a good time cause I can do all my Thanksgiving meal prep today and Scotty can write Christmas letters that we desperately need to get ready soon.  Tomorrow, we'll spend Thanksgiving with our beloved SIM team and have invited our pastor and his wife to participate this year, since it's an American holiday that Edgar has always been interested in.

Happy.

Jubilee is growing and continues to be a smiling, sweet baby.  She has popped out with some attitude here and there and seems to get disgruntled a bit easier.  I think it's that hard stage where they're interested in so many things, but aren't mobile yet.  She's eating lots of new things and hasn't turned away any new food that I've given her.  She's still not a big fan of nursing, and I've had to reconcile myself to that.  It's been tough cause I know breast milk is still best and she's so low on the weight charts that I worry when she doesn't drink much.  But, I'm doing the best I can and feeding her as much as I can and the rest I am learning to leave in God's hands and trusting that all will be well.  She's starting to roll all over the floor in order to inspect things around her, but hasn't made moves toward crawling yet- except to move from a seated position to down on her tummy.  She is a joy to us all and she and Natty have an especially sweet relationship.

Catching up and a doctor's visit

We've been busy.  Often my time is filled with things that need to get done, but I can't exactly recount to you what all of that was by the end of the week.  Does anyone else ever feel that way?  Is that a product of having young children?  Last Thursday through Sunday, Scotty was participating in a seminar given by SIM friends on communicating between cultures.  He was reminded of a lot he already knew about what makes Bolivians different from Americans, learned some new stuff and generally was encouraged to recommit to adapting to what is culturally appropriate in life and ministry.  We had some good chats about it afterward (I wasn't able to attend) and I am proud of him for putting together such a large event with a lot of other responsibilities happening at the same time.  We had our good friend and Spanish teacher from our Cochabamba days come in a stay with us during the conference as well.  Baby J got shifted to our room and decided she'd rather wake us up than sleep in a new place.  Thankfully, her sleep patterns returned to normal once she got back in her crib.  This week, Scotty has been busy with meetings out the wazoo and preparing to preach tomorrow.  I've been asked to teach a young woman's Bible study in a little over a week on any topic I'd like (where to start??) and am plugging away at that this week.  As much as I dislike teaching and fear how it might go over, I have to admit that I learn so much in the process.  The girls are healthy, praise God, and Jubilee is growing little by very little.  I never knew what a blessing it was when Natty was small to have a plump baby.  That's about all that is going on at the moment!

Wanna have a little peek into what it looks like to take the girls to the pediatrician?  Thankfully, at most doctor's offices, you can call and make an appointment for the following day or sometimes even the same day if you have a free schedule.  At Natty's 4-year check-up, I talked to the doctor about bringing both girls back in the following week to get shots.  She said just to call the nurse when I was ready.  (Unfortunately, there's no making an appointment ahead of time).  The pediatrician only works Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 3:30 on.  Therefore, I can't call before 3:30 to make sure that day is OK for shots.  So, after dropping Natty off at ballet, I begin calling the office to try to make contact with the nurse.  I was determined to do the shots that day since both girls needed some catching up on vaccines.  I called FOUR times trying to reach the nurse and even called the doctor's cell phone to see when she might be back in the office (she was running errands).  Doc tells me she'll be back in 15 mins and I can call then.  By this time, I'm feeling bad about bugging the office staff with so many phone calls.  Finally, we decide just to drive to the office after ballet and hope for the best.  When we arrive, I make Scotty call and the nurse has just walked in the door.  She says to meet me at the clinic next door (where they are doing shots).  We head to the clinic, sit and wait for the nurse to come, than wait for someone in the clinic to come and give the girls shots.  The nurse brings the vaccines from the fridge next door in the pediatrician's office and passes them off to 2 ladies who don't wash their hands and get ready to poke my babies.  My body goes tense and the inner battle of whether or not to say something to them begins to rage.  The nurse that works for my pediatrician did wash her hands and she's going to be the one holding the girls, I justify to myself.  Still, I wonder what rationale there is behind coming from touching who knows how many sick patients in a large clinic to touching my healthy children and not washing hands.  I asked our SIM friend who did the culture seminar, who happens to be a doctor, if it would be offensive to ask them to wash their hands.  He said, "yes".  But, I'm not attempting to form any relationship with them, I counter...  I was still silent.  They are still healthy, so I thank God and continue to pray for His protection.  Anyway, there's poking and crying and paying a pittance to the clinic for their services and then we walk back to the pediatrician's office to pay the nurse for the shots and get a receipt.  Wrap that up and then we're in the car and out.  It's not the most efficient system, or easiest to maneuver, but we manage.

Oh, and I just have to mention what an incredible gift our little Jubilee is.  Natty, of course, is a treasure as well.  But, I have to say that as far as babies go, I can't imagine much sweeter or easier than Jubilee.  I so enjoy just sitting and playing with her, watching her facial expressions, seeing her ever-present smile and know that God has been so very kind to let us have her for a while.  Her life makes me think so often of our Zion and how much we miss him, but I can't stop speaking constant thanks for our baby girl.

Natty turns four.

They grow up quick.  Everyone says it, but you don't know just what it means until it happens to your children...especially your first one.  Often I tell Natty her birth story, per her request, and sometimes it seems like it was ages ago that it all happened.  But, when our first born little girl turns 4, it seems like only yesterday!  She has changed so incredibly much in such a short period of time.  She's always been a sweet, sensitive little girl and her life has taught me so much.  Being a mother is a journey of learning to die to self, be patient, re-examine what grace means in your life and in the lives of others and to depend on God.  Natty is fun, silly, smart, an amazing conversationalist, talks to adults like an adult, loves to read, loves to play games, still takes a great 2-hour afternoon nap, is timid in groups, loves to play in water, just learned to ride a bike (with training wheels), eats almost anything, adores her Daddy, is such a sweet big-sister that surprises me with her love for Jubilee, wants to adopt a little brother, always wants to wear skirts, can melt-down in a heartbeat, admits that it's very hard sometimes to obey, is very cautious, doesn't like dolls and has practically memorized her Jesus Storybook Bible.  She has gotten to an age of asking good questions about faith and God and started her first ballet class a couple months ago.  It is a privilege to be her mother and I am so proud of the little person that is being formed before my eyes.

We decided to go to Lake Titicaca to our favorite fish restaurant to celebrate her birth.  She loves to be around water and this particular place takes you out on a little boat ride after your meal.  Because there was a possibility of blockades on her actual birthday, we went the day before with our friends, the Hursts (with 2 of their girls), and our house helper's 2 daughters.  It always takes longer to get out of the city than we think.  After driving up a couple thousand feet to El Alto (the slum city that lies right above us), you are often redirected because of huge holes in the road, marches, construction, parades, markets or just grid-lock.  I never cease to be amazed by this interesting and broken-down city filled with crazy drivers and exhaust.  But, after getting out, it's smooth sailing along the Andean plateau with snow-capped peaks, llamas, and fields of crops all around.  When we got to the hotel where our favorite restaurant is, it seemed empty.  When I walked in, 3 guys that worked there were dancing around twirling napkins.  They looked sheepish when I said hello and asked if they were serving lunch that day.  One guy looked like he might have to disappoint me, but said he'd check in the kitchen.  He confirmed, to my relief, upon returning that they were serving lunch and were just scaling our freshly caught trout!  The girls played while the grown-ups chatted and we all tried to ignore our growling tummies (we didn't get to the place until about 1:30).  But, was it worth the wait!  Freshly baked bread, salad, home-made corn soup, and absolutely delicious, fresh fish.  We brought along the cupcakes Natty and I had baked the day before and enjoyed all of this while gazing out on the enormous, sparkling lake.  The skies were clear and were that incredible blue of a place with little atmosphere. I don't think I've ever seen water glimmer like I do when we're at Lake Titicaca.  We took a short spin out on the hotel's boat after lunch and then packed it back in the Landcruiser for the return trip.  The way back took even longer when we got to El Alto where the festivals of Day of the student/love/friendship were in full swing, but we made it back home about half an hour before people started arriving for our small group. We were so tired on Natty's actual birthday after our day trip (and Bible study until almost midnight), that we just stayed home and did things Natty loves to do- big breakfast, movie watching, family walk and family game-playing.  Happy birthday to my precious big girl!

I am God.

It's windy today.  When I look out the window I can see plastic bags jerking through the air and clothes whipping around on the drying lines.  I can feel a breeze coming through any (closed) window of my house and the curtains inside lightly move.  It's been hazy lately- a result of the dry season kicking up dust and no rains yet to settle it back down.  I have another cold and the dry air hits my sinuses hard.  My head ached as I walked around Mallasilla this morning- the first walk I've felt well enough to take all week.  But, I recognize the blessed life I lead.  I have a wonderful relationship with my husband.  I have two beautiful, thriving daughters.  I have sweet friends.  But something the ladies talked about in Bible study last night tugs at my heart, at my comfort.  Suffering.  I've been there before...I don't want to go back.  And yet, we all agreed and could not deny as we read scripture together that to suffer is sometimes part of a good plan that the Lord has for us.  He shows Himself to us in a more profound way.  Just look at Job.  "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you."  I've said that in suffering...or maybe something not so eloquent.  But, I get that.  However, my heart still says, isn't there another way to see?  Sometimes I feel like I am more afraid than ever of suffering.  I haven't yet fully learned or accepted that to know the Lord, to see Him, is the greatest gift He could give us...no matter what it costs.  I think He has been telling me lately that there are still things that I hold on to too tightly.  Sometimes this world, this life, means too much to me.  I know there is freedom in letting it go, but I'm afraid it will hurt too much.  A friend pointed out that after Job had voiced his complaint and questioned why he even had to be born, the Lord said, I am God.  He didn't give specific answers or even comforting ones.  We know something Job didn't know in that moment- that God would restore Job's life with even more sweet gifts than before.  But in that moment of pain, God's answer was, I am God.  He doesn't always promise to make it better and that is a hard truth to swallow as His children.  But, He is God.  And being God, He is good and kind and love.  Sometimes, I still struggle to fully believe that, despite whatever I might be going through in this moment.

Mini-trauma

This one takes everything in stride.  Food?  Sure- why not?

So, I'm going through a mini-trial at the moment....so I must blog about it.  I have no idea, really, how many people read this blog and I might not publish every little thing like this that I go through if I knew who did read it- however, it is the best way to work through my feelings.  So, here we go.  Jubilee went in for her 6 month check-up on Monday.  She looks great, but she is underweight.  Like, off the charts.  I know the charts are not always perfectly accurate, but the fact that she has left her growth curve, somewhat significantly, is not a good sign.  Her pediatrician only recommended that I start her on solids, but didn't have any advice or words of wisdom apart from that.  I trust this woman, and like her personally, but medical friends from home have encouraged me to monitor things a bit more closely to make sure she does start gaining weight again.  This, of course, is not a huge deal, but anytime something is not right, it makes this mommy nervous.  So, I started cereal yesterday and she enjoyed it.  I spent a good part of yesterday afternoon praying for Jubilee and for my heart- that I would trust the Lord and how He works all of this out.  Today, before lunch, Jubilee almost completely refused to nurse.  She had some and then decided she was done.  Freak out time!  Then that all-to-familiar battle started of my body going rigid and my mind racing and crying out, "No!  You must eat!".  Then, the other, usually softer voice that speaks reason and peace reminding me that this is just one meal, it's not going to ruin her or our goals of weight gain.  But what if she keeps doing this??  What if I have to give up breastfeeding and go to formula!?!?- the irrational mommy-voice screams.  I do my best to calm down and try to "encourage" Jubilee to eat....about 10 more times. She finally gives me a good bite or two and I give up.  While this is going on, Natty is getting ornery and impatient because I haven't played with her all morning and I'm giving Jubilee way more attention than she wants me to.  However, she asks me to tell her the story about when we lost her favorite stuffed animal and God miraculously brought him to us.  A story of God's faithfulness.  Than, out of no where, she repeats what I told her yesterday about her pediatrician remembering her after over a year of not seeing her and asking if she had gotten over her constipation.  Natty struggled with this issue for over a year as a toddler and it was a super stressful time.  She's totally fine now.  A story of God's faithfulness.  The Lord wanted me to remember the things He has already brought us through, faithfully, and trust that He will do it again in this situation.  Even with those Holy Spirit reminders I fight against the need (why is it such a need?) to worry.  So, here I am.  Wanting to choose the right path- the one of peace and trust.  I feel more relaxed and calmer, but my heart is still a little tense.  I'm trusting that in another few blogs, I can testify to the good way that God has worked this one out and how my little one is packing on the pounds.  And if things don't work out so simply, I want to say as we have in much more serious situations, Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Snippets.

So, we were out of town in Cochabamba most of this week.  Scotty has quarterly meetings there as part of an advisory council for the mission director.  I'll fill you in on the last bit of time with a few snippets of life, in no particular order.

The girls travel well.  We left for the airport right around Jubilee's nap time- 12:30.  We had the usual wait of an hour for our flight, plus a few more half hour delays brought on by our plane not being able to leave its previous destination to come to us.  We bided our time in the sunny departure room, sipping cappuccinos and playing "race" with Natty.  Jubilee happily watched, slept, and nursed.  I had a good conversation with the girl working at the jewelry counter, who unfortunately knew nothing about the Bolivianite (an amethyst like stone found here in the mines of Bolivia) and where in the country it comes from.  But, she did have a little girl, too, and was open to my questions and conversation about life.  When the plane came in, Natty got super excited, we walked out onto the cold, windy tarmac (not to mention noisy, since there was another plane raring to go next to us), boarded our jet and took off.  A quick snack and 30 mins later and we were there.  In those 4 hours there was almost nothing but smiles, other than a few short cries as Jubilee tried to fall asleep.  Yes, my girls might sometimes seem like angels- even to me- but stay tuned for the bubble bursting.

I took a walk the Sunday before we left.  We didn't go to church since we had to leave early for the airport, so I was able to get in a nice walk around the 'hood.  Whoa.  Note to self: No walks on Sundays.  I thought it would be nice and quiet cause it's Sunday and that seems reasonable.  Twice as many stray dogs out.  I honestly thought I might get attacked several times.  There is comfort in knowing by sight the dogs around town.  There is not comfort in seeing new, large dogs travelling in packs.  There were groups of men reeking of alcohol- obviously still out from a drinking binge started the night before.  They kinda just set up camp on a rickety, wooden bench outside of a small, corner store.  Although most of them looked harmless and probably couldn't walk straight, I'm never a fan of being a blond foreigner walking by a group of drunk men.  And generally there was a lot more traffic than I expected- people probably going to families homes for cooking and lunch and guys dressed in soccer garb to go play all day.  The Catholic church's bells were ringing just as I walked past the drunk guys...calling its people to come worship.  It was a bit ironic.

We were happy to spend some time in the beloved SIM guest house in Cochabamba.  We are still looking for a couple people to run it, so if you're reading this and feel a little spark inside, call me.  Natty immediately headed outside into the big, green yard for the swings.  I immediately got into a taxi to pick up some grub at the grocery store.  Ah- Cochabamba!  I was comfortable in short-sleeves (still winter here) and loving the familiar sights of town and the grocery store I must have visited 100 times while living there.  I picked up some cotton candy on my way out as a special treat for Natty and we enjoyed some play time back at the guest house before putting Jubilee to bed and leaving Natty with an SIM friend while Scotty and I went out to Paprika for our anniversary dinner.  We had celebrated our engagement there the night he asked me to marry him and it is a favorite of many.  It was nice to walk and talk and hold hands and not be in a hurry and eat good food.  Can I tell you about the amazing present he gave me before we left?  Well, I have to admit that Scotty is not a gift-giver.  He actually picks great presents, but doesn't enjoy it and often puts it off until the last minute.  I don't think he'd mind me sharing this on the world wide web because I've said some nice things about him before on my blog.  :)  However, for my first birthday as a married couple, he gave me a Nalgene bottle.  It was purple.  Yes, that's all.  I was a bit underwhelmed, although, I did carry that bottle with me everywhere I went, at all times, for about 5 years.  One Christmas, he admitted to me on Christmas Eve Eve that he hadn't bought me anything yet.  I'll let that be in the end of the examples for now.  So, let me read to you a section from the card he wrote this year for our 7th anniversary: "Seven years, seven presents: a photo frame in gratitude for such a beautiful family and great memories together.  A notebook and pencil case because you are such a gifted writer and because it makes me think of future travels together (the notebook had travel graffics on it).  The (chocolate-scented) candle and glass holder represents our future home, full of light, warmth, hospitality and the smell of chocolate coming from the kitchen!  Dark chocolate because you like it and After Eight (chocolate mint candies) because that's when I get to hang out with just you."  How thoughtful- right!?  All the gifts were beautiful...and yummy.  He totally made up for those other lame times.

It was a joy to have 3 days or so to just focus totally on the girls.  I didn't bring my computer so that I wouldn't be tempted to get online and waste time or ignore them.  I played all the stuff Natty wanted to play.  We took pictures of Jubilee and made her laugh.  We ate snacks that are bad for you.  Natty was happy and sweet and I was loving it.  For a while.  Toward the end, my sweet girl turned into Natty-the-sinner.  She was unrepentant when disciplined for doing wrong or disobeying.  She made little fists and punched the air with them like she wanted to hit me.  She glared at me.  Her attitude screamed, "I don't care what you say!  I like to sin!"  It truly broke my heart and frustrated me.  Of course, this wasn't the first time I had seen this, but it was a bit more pronounced on this trip.  How can such a young thing who is receiving such nice treats and love from her mommy treat her this way?  I wonder if God sometimes asks the same of me...  By the end of the trip, I was having a hard time enjoying my daughter.  I prayed hard and continue to every day.  No one teaches them to do wrong- it comes naturally.  As much as I talk about our relationship with each other being broken when she disobeys, only the Holy Spirit can make her want it to be right again.

Today is Saturday and we don't have any major plans.  I love this.  Tomorrow is pedestrian day- no car driving allowed.  Scotty will go over to church early tonight to set up for our Saturday night service since we won't have normal church tomorrow.  After the girls get up from naps, we'll have a family date to the ice cream store.  I'll stay home with Jubilee since church starts at her bedtime and listen to a sermon and try to connect with some long-distance friends.  We're still trying to find some neighborhood friends to hang out with tomorrow when everyone is stuck at home.

I had a lovely long conversation with a Bolivian friend last night at Bible study.  We were the only two to show up until an hour and a half after the study was supposed to start (!!).  I feel like it was a God-ordained time of reconnection with her.  Then a few more trickled in and we had a more intimate time of sharing and prayer.  I really enjoy that small group.

Well, hope you feel caught up!  Check my facebook for pics of our time in Cochabamba.

Pass the rabbit.

Saturday was fun and busy!  I had a lovely walk after our daily oatmeal routine to walk a friend's dog and then wandered a bit around the neighborhood.  It doesn't take much to get your heart rate up when you can't avoid going up and down some pretty steep or long hills.  I spent the rest of the morning trying to make a Bolivian dish for lunch- potatoes covered in a milky peanut sauce so that we could have a "picnic" at the house where we were dog-sitting.  These friends didn't know we were going to crash, but we knew they wouldn't mind if we utilized their cable TV to watch some Olympics.  So, I packed up our lunch, the baby, the baby stuff (even for a short visit, I feel like we need so much stuff!), jackets, etc...and we drove to the other side of the neighborhood for a little outing.  We had just enough time to have a nice lunch, make some coffee, put the girls to bed in their borrowed beds and turn on the tube.  Olympics!  This is the first time we saw more than a few minutes at a time.  I particularly enjoyed watching the rubbery legs during women's speed walking (we saw Bolivia cross the line!) and the women's high jump.  After a couple hours, we packed up all our stuff again, went home, changed a diaper and packed back in the car to drive to Mallasa, about a mile from Mallasilla.  We arrived at Javier and Jimena's family home where a group was set up at tables under a shade outside.  It was a gorgeous day and we had a lovely view of the surrounding Andes and enjoyable interactions with our friends and their extended families.

The menu of the day was a little bit of this:

Viscacha.

Some of this:

Bunny.

And some of this:

Duck.

What all that looks like fried.

There were some other Bolivian sides that I won't bother trying to describe.  I liked the viscacha best and Natty liked the duck.  These are church friends that are also neighbors and we've been wanting to reconnect with them since we came back.  It was a perfect day for it and I felt grateful that we have relationships with people that enjoy inviting us to their family events.  Natty was a bit shy with the other kids (she still isn't so keen on trying Spanish) and Jubilee was needing a nap- but there were no major meltdowns.  I realized how we need to do some more of that kind of thing to break our kids into Bolivian culture and start getting them used to being a bit more flexible and comfortable with people that are not like them.  I suppose if I look at myself honestly, it's Mom that often has a hard time getting outside of the routine.  Sigh.  We returned home to put the babes to bed and settle in for a nice movie to round out a great day.  I had some ideas for more family fun on Sunday, but I woke up feeling a bit queasy (could it be the bunnies?).  The Lord spared me during church, but by the afternoon and into the evening, the yucks returned and when I went to bed a few minutes before Natty, I was afraid a flu might be coming on.  I actually physically tense up when I think I might have to vomit and it makes me feel even worse.  After reassuring myself that I probably wasn't going to die and it was just a natural process of getting rid of whatever bad is in my system, I relaxed, fell asleep and felt mostly better by Monday.  This week is already flying by, like all the rest, and I am still trying to get into a better habit of putting aside time to really focus my heart on the Lord.  I've had some good, quick moments before the girls wake up in the morning.  But, I still find it hard when we are up several times a night with a fussy baby to get up early.  Natty has been obsessed with listening to and reading her Jesus Storybook Bible lately and I find that it is encouraging to both of us during the day.  Now, her songs and her pretend reading include phrases like, "Jesus died on the cross", "It was God's plan from the beginning",  "God is always with us", "God loves us", etc...  Today she informed me when she was being distracting while Jubilee was trying to nurse, "God made me loud, Mommy."  At least she's more interested in God...

Family time

I've had two lovely family days this week- each looking quite different.  Scotty has been working a lot lately and so decided that he needed to take a day off this week to spend with us.  Thursday, he took Natty to the club to go swimming- something she's been talking about since we arrived.  I was able to take a nice walk around the neighborhood before they left and then spent the rest of the morning making stuffed eggplant.  I got my first dog bite, thankfully from someone's pet and not a stray.  Still, I looked up information on rabies and got kinda scared.  That would not be a fun death.  Scotty told me he was 110% positive I won't die from rabies, so I'm gonna be pretty mad if he's wrong.  At nap time, we finally got to read some more of the great book we're going through together on cultivating godly habits as a family and then had an ice cream "picnic" (Natty's word for eating on the couches) and a trip to the land after.  I spent some time staring at Zion's grave, fluctuating between extreme sadness with a fresh reality check that my son's body is buried down there and incredible gratitude that He's running around in heaven with Jesus.  I wandered around to the back of the little room that is in the back of the property and saw the plum tree that we had been given that we weren't real sure was going to take.  The branches were still dark and dead looking but there were little white blooms and tiny green leaves shooting out of them.  It was such a clear and tangible reminder of how God brings life from death, and beauty, too.  That night, we were able to go out on our first date since coming back!  I was a bit nervous leaving Jubilee with a sitter, as she is a bit unpredictable at night.  At first we were just planning on going out to dinner, but I realized around 6 that we might be able to get to the theater to see a movie we'd been hoping to see if our sitter could come immediately.  We called her and asked her to take a taxi up to the house, I finished getting Jubilee to bed and we frantically got ready.  She came and we rushed out of the house, with the baby still crying off and on in her crib (I wasn't too happy about that).  I had asked Scotty to double check on the theater's website to make sure the movie was still there- I had seen it online the day before- and when he looked, it was gone!  We called and the recording made it sound like it played at 4:30, even though I remember the website saying 6:30.  The La Paz newspaper online listed it as still playing at 6:30.  So, we took a chance, drove quickly, literally ran through the mall-like compound and found that it had, in fact, gone out of the theater.  Boo.  We had chugged down some rich shake before leaving the house since we thought we'd miss dinner, so we window shopped for a bit and then went to a nice Italian restaurant where we had the place to ourselves through half our meal.  It was a lovely night of relaxing and talking with my husband and the girls did great.

Today, Scotty had an all-day meeting starting early, so I invited over a friend and her two girls for lunch.  Natty has really become such a sweet, helpful little girl that is pleasant to be around (mostly) and I really enjoyed her company and the way she didn't complain that I spent most of the morning in the kitchen.  Helps when you let her lick the cookie beaters.  We enjoyed a few hours with our friends, watched the Muppet Movie and then played around until bed time.  Jubilee was her usual happy self and I absolutely adored watching the two of them interact.  Natty loves to sing and dance for her and make her laugh and Jubilee just glues her eyes to Natty whenever she's in site.  I think they'll be good friends.  The day was relaxing and fun and I felt such appreciation to the Lord for my sweet little girls.  I also love that Natty is at an age where spiritual things can be understood and find that there are so many moments throughout the day to teach her and tell her about our great and loving God and our need for Him.  I also realize as I talk, how much I need to hear those truths and be changed as well.  She loves her Jesus Storybook Bible, which I would recommend it to anyone who doesn't already have it, and is starting to remember the stories quite well.  "One ticket to not Ninevah, please!" was her refrain today.

I finally got to attend women's Bible study on Friday night and enjoyed seeing some ladies for the first time since we've been back.  I tend to be one of the first ones to leave those events as they used to run quite late, but they've started the meeting earlier and I was happy to feel the energy to engage in some good conversations after we had finished and still make it home by bed time.  Yay!!  It's been a nice week.

Ballet blues

Most of you are probably aware of some of your biggest faults as humans/mothers/wives, etc...  I have found since having a baby that I am not as flexible as I'd like to be when it comes to throwing my schedule off and throwing my day out of whack.  I'm pretty sure I mentioned in my last blog how much I like control...or at least, predictability.  That sounds nicer, right?  Anyway- we decided to do a little test run of a ballet class for Natty today.  I was under the impression when the secretary asked us to come in today for the teacher to look at Natty's form and flexibility (really?  for tiny kids?) that it was going to be a quick thing.  We had set up an Olympics date at a friend's house since we haven't seen any of the games yet for shortly after this check.  Well, she actually wanted Natty to participate in the full, one-hour class.  Now, this wouldn't be such a big deal normally, but having a baby that eats/sleeps in this time frame shakes things up a bit.  And, I felt a little uncomfortable with the way that the secretary at the ballet school threw some ballet slippers at us, told me I couldn't go in the class room (this is very scary for a 3 year old to do for the first time) and shoved Natty in to a big group of Spanish speaking girls in pink tutus without even introducing her or the teacher or anything.  She just had to jump in and try to make heads or tails of what was going on.  I have to hand it to her- she did amazing.  I ran upstairs to watch from this tiny room packed with Mommies who already had the good seats (all 3 of them), trying to crane my neck to see my little gringuita attempting to understand what was going on and how to coordinate her body in ways that she's never been asked to before.  There was nothing to introduce her to the art of ballet or dance or how to hold her body or anything.  Just try to keep up!  Maybe I'm asking for too much, but it all seemed to happen so fast.  I couldn't hear what was going on, but there were a dozen times when the teacher had to come over and position Natty because she wasn't catching what she was supposed to be doing.  Or, she would blankly look at the other girls who were trying to explain things to her.  She just doesn't understand Spanish anymore.  Then, Scotty showed up with Jubilee to watch and we took turns holding her while the other watched Natty.  The other thing that was causing me minor (ok, major) stress was the young mommy who was there with her 2 year old daughter.  They, of course, thought Jubilee was adorable and the mommy kept telling the little girl to grab her hands.  Does anybody think about how much babies put their hands into their mouths and how many illnesses are going around right now?  Seriously- everyone goes for the hands and the face.  And, there's no asking- there's just grabbing.  J did great until about the time the class was ending.  She had missed her nap and it was past her normal snacking hour and we ran into some friends and Natty had to take a flexibility test where her legs were pushed open wider than they've gone before (isn't that bad for tendons?) and shoes her size were trying to be found and on and on and all I could think about was how much my baby needed to eat!  Even at the moment I knew I needed to relax and just let this one go today, but I couldn't do it!  Then, we got home later than normal after watching some Olympics and I scraped together something to eat and had to abandon the meal part-way through because Jubilee became quite tired since bedtime had already passed.  I felt exhausted after all that and I kept asking myself if I could have somehow avoided the stressed feelings or if that's just my personality.  Or is there some sin mixed up in there somewhere?  What is it that makes things like that so difficult for me?  Part of what brings on the stress is that when things get a little out of control, all my emotional energies are going into trying to deal with the crisis and there is nothing left for people.  If interacting with people outside my family are part of that crisis moment, I feel as though I am giving them the shaft which upsets my delicate introverted sensibilities and I feel bad about that for the rest of the night.  Oh, my...  Again, the blog is where a lot of processing happens, so forgive my rambles.

However, Natty sure did look cute in her borrowed bright green ballet slippers skipping around the floor with all the dark-haired girls.  She seemed to have fun, despite the language barrier, and she will hopefully continue if she can learn to communicate (a condition given to us by the school).  If she decides to give it up, we might just put her into pre-K a few days a week.  :)

Also, we got all the stuff turned in for Jubilee's visa and only had to pay 5 days of tardy fees!  Hooray for Scotty and all his hard work!

Early morning thoughts

Some times your best thoughts come to you in the early morning.  God speaks to your heart and you feel a special connection and peace before you get the day going.  That's not what my early morning looked like today...  After feeding Jubilee around 4, while she was talking away in her crib (thinking it was time to get up??), I had 2 major thoughts.  One, I am completely lacking intentionality in my life right now.  I am not intentional with how I plan my day.  I am not intentional with the activities I choose to do with Natalie- often getting side-tracked in the middle of us playing together and wandering off to fold diapers or wash dishes without even telling her.  I am not intentional with my husband or anyone else for that matter.  In our last team meeting, we talked about whether we were thriving or just surviving.  Survival-mode, all the way.  I think it's part of transitioning back into life in La Paz.  At first we were consumed with just getting everyday things in order and then the girls got sick and now, after several weeks of needing to stay home with them, I'm just doing what needs to be done each day.  Shower, dress kids, change diapers, cook, clean dishes, survive, try not to get frustrated at anyone, etc...  It's getting old.  I finally made myself intentionally read my Bible and catch up with my reading plan today while I had a few minutes to myself here and there.  I think my default when life seems out of control or not as satisfactory as I want it to be is just to put myself on cruise control.  I am praying for some practical steps to take to fix this and the desire to make the effort.

The other thing- my baby is not a text book baby.  (There aren't too many of those, right?)  When Jubilee was in her first few months, I kinda just let her eat whenever and sleep whenever and wherever.  We didn't have much choice because we were sharing spaces and meal times and visiting and wanting to spent time with people.  It worked and it actually felt kinda freeing.  Shortly before returning, I imagined that getting back to La Paz meant routine and control and the ability to mold my baby's nap times and mid-night activities to my desires.  Hmmm.  I didn't realize that coming into the altitude would make her hungrier.  Living at 11,000 ft. does speed up your metabolism.  She had started frequently sleeping 8 or 9 hour stretches at night in the US, but we cut that in half when returning and haven't been able to stretch back out.  Then she got a cold...and another one...that still hasn't gone away.  For many reasons that I won't bore you with- that is keeping her wanting to eat more frequently in the night as well.  So, all my best efforts at "training" her are not working.  Partially because I am not committed.  And partially because I'm not sure what her real needs are.  They seem to change daily, based on how sick she felt that day or sleepy or whatever.  And what mommy has never given in to comparing her baby to another one and wonders why hers can't be "that easy"?  I had to admit that the circumstances in Jubilee's life are not static.  There are other forces at work that make things more challenging from time to time.  And, ultimately, it will get easier and I need to let go of expecting it to happen at the snap of my fingers.  But, I really like control.  A lot.  Maybe God's trying to tell me something here...

So, aside from those downers- Scotty is making great progress on Jubilee's visa.  We go in early tomorrow morning to get her little medical check done and that should be the last major requirement before we can turn everything in.  He's preaching again this Sunday and we'll have good friends over after church who were so pumped that we brought them a crock pot from the US so they want to share the yumminess they've been creating.  I'm finding that weekends have been packed with people lately and are great fun and also very tiring.  In another week or so we'll have an overnight retreat with the elders and their families, which will be a good time to reconnect with everyone and deepen those friendships.  I am thankful tonight for this time to write, to process, to share.

Tweaking.

Just cause they're so cute.

Well, we're almost 3 weeks in and I still feel like the adjustment needs some more tweaking.  Bolivia feels comfortable and familiar- there's not a whole lot there to get used to.  But, my life is looking so much different than it did.  I told a friend the other day that I've been able to get so little done because my house-helper hasn't been here since we've been back.  I know, I know!  It sounds pathetic.  But, I stress again how much longer and more difficult normal, everyday tasks can be to accomplish here.  Plus, it is winter and there are a lot of nasty viruses going around and I just don't want to expose Jubilee to much of that.  She is already on cold #2 since arriving and so I am keeping her mainly in the house.  This brings me to my main beef in this blog.  The whole ministry of mothering is beautiful and wonderful, but I think I'm starting to see the mundaneness it can carry as well.  I had to miss our first SIM team meeting on Friday because Jubilee was starting to get sick and Natty had pink eye.  It was going to be our first time with our beloved team, some of whom I have yet to see.  Scotty went, of course, cause that's something daddies often get to do when mommies are hanging out with sick babies. (Yes, maybe I was whining a bit about this at the moment)  Then, Jubilee's cold turned full blown and so I am inside again, not able to get out even for a walk with the girls.  During the light, not so freezing hours of the day, Jubilee is either sleeping or I am making meals.  There just isn't much time in the morning or afternoon for getting out with them.  I haven't managed to get out of the house early enough to return to lap swimming because Jubilee is having us up quite a bit at night and I'm so tired by the time morning rolls around.  So, I say all this not to sound as complainy as this probably sounds- but just to say that the rose-colored glasses have fallen off.  Being a mommy is awesome and sweet and I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying my daughters.  I just about spontaneously combust when I look at Jubilee (she's a very happy baby).  However, the responsibility limits other things.  Things that I enjoy. Things that I'm used to.  Also, we had our pastor and his wife over last night for a few hours and I was talking with Becky about having little kids and how that affects ministry.  Even though we are well aware of the God-given task of mothering and its priority in our lives, that doesn't make the necessities (great necessities) in the church disappear.  What do we do with those?  It's not fair to just drop them in the laps of other mommies who have older kids.  But, there's only so much we can do...how do you balance it all?

So, I continue to be perplexed and blessed and sometimes nervous.  I fight wanting to sleep and wanting to be buff, and feel like those are sometimes mutually exclusive.  I want to lovingly shepherd my children and protect them, but want to be a part of things where people with cold germs might be.  This all might sound a bit ridiculous and probably is compared to a lot of peoples' problems- but, I wrestle with it because it is my lot right now and the Lord is asking me to honor Him in it.

If you feel like praying, pray for Jubilee's visa.  Scotty is into week #2 of daily visits to all sorts of government offices in order to get the required paperwork.  This is old hat for him, except for a few unique things pertaining to babies, but it is still very time-consuming.  At some point, we have to take her to a large government hospital to get a health-check (no, she can't just go to her own pediatrician), and I'm afraid of even taking her into such a germy place to be handled by a random doctor that maybe didn't wash his or her hands after coming into work that morning (are you seeing a slight paranoia here?).  But, she does need a TB shot, so I suppose we could get that done, too.  Did you know I couldn't find the first place in the US that would give my daughter a TB shot?  So, thanks for praying.  I'll report back with great rejoicing when that's done.

The Ministry of Mommy.

Los Miser dressed for the 4th.

Being on this new journey of mommy to two and being freshly back in this country we call home, but also where we're called to be missionaries, has had me thinking.  I will always feel a sense of responsibility to fulfill the mission God has given us (which seems to be ever changing but always the same- get me?), but I've started seeing life here in a new way in the last few months and especially now that we're back.  Mommies of more than one know what it's like to be pulled in several directions at once and just sit down to get something else done when one or the other needs you.  Although this can seem frustrating some moments, the Lord has been faithful to remind me that "interruptions" are what being a parent are about. The ones who are inhibiting me from being "productive" are the ones that I am here to serve and love and care about as #1 priority during my day.  If nothing else gets done- so be it.  So, besides the normal feeding, rocking, putting to sleep, and intellectually stimulating the baby and reading to, playing pretend with, entertaining, disciplining and teaching the 3 year-old, there are a few other things to do.  Walking up and down the stairs a half dozen times to set my cheapy washing machine to the unique and varied cycles necessary to effectively clean cloth diapers takes a bit of time.  Disinfecting, chopping and preparing vegetables for our new, mostly-vegetarian diet also takes time.  Baking quick breads from scratch so we can have something healthy to snack on has been a big part of each day since we've returned.  That's not to mention things that need to be done outside of the house!  I'm feeling kinda like I do when I have a newborn- unable to imagine doing much more than this....ever again.  Our house has been in disarray since we've returned, which doesn't help my overwhelmed feelings, but I know it will get there.  All that to say, I feel OK with all of this.  Scotty and I have been reading a book called Disciplines of a Godly Family by Kent and Barbara Hughes that has really been challenging us in many ways.  In the intro to this book, they quote Robert Dabney as saying "The education of children (in context of parenting) for God is the most important business done on earth.  It is the one business for which the earth exists.  To it all politics, all war, all literature, all money making ought to be subordinated; and every parent especially ought to feel, every hour of the day, that next to making his own calling and election sure, this is the end for which he is kept alive by God- this is his task on earth."  Whoa!  That's a wonderful and heavy and convicting idea.  I consider that my children are with me for a few short years of their lives before they enter into school, where they spend the majority of their waking hours, and I want to enjoy and maximize every minute.  I don't feel the same drive to prove myself as a missionary in the way that I did before.  Like, being able to list off all the churchy activities I am involved in and sound like I'm staying busy with out-of-the-family ministry.  My husband and children are my ministry and my passion.  If I can love them well and raise my kids to know and love the Lord, while inviting families over to eat and share together (which is really the ministry closest to my heart, besides family)- I will be greatly satisfied and I believe the Lord will be as well.  Of course, with this conviction comes some amount of fear and trembling.  Church leaders and their wives often have very high expectations placed on them.  The real and perceived sets of eyes that are on me always have me feeling like I'm not quite measuring up.  I want to be secure in this call that God has given me and not be afraid to set boundaries that some might think too closed in.  Although I have come to appreciate certain aspects of Bolivian culture, I have not learned to implement some of those in my life.  The way family structure and routine is done here is sometimes very different from what is comfortable to me and I hang precarious in that constant balancing act of wanting to protect myself and my kids, while being culturally sensitive and obliging.  It's easy to say that I will spend the brunt of my time focusing on raising my daughters and imagine that to be in the comfort and privacy of my own home.  But if I'm not doing it with a mind to impacting for God's glory other families around me- I am off base.  So, I am confident in what I want these next few years to look like on a private level, but still wrestle with how this plays out in the local body of Christ.

We're back.

Where do I even start?  So many thoughts have gone through my head in the last 3 days.  The first of those days was mostly survival.  Get the girls through 2 flights, one 9 hour layover in Miami and into the altitude without major melt-downs or passing out from lack of oxygen.  We had one minor melt-down but no passing out!  I can't tell you how thankful I am to our great God for sparing me, Scotty and Jubilee the trauma of turning purple and rushing to the oxygen room while waiting in line at customs.  We were under the impression that a doctor would be waiting at the door of the plane for us at the airport.  Not there.  We thought if we explained our situation to the flight attendant, they would let us off first.  Not gonna happen.  Thankfully, she remained asleep in her car seat even as the lights went on in the cabin, the loud voices started, the cold blast of air came through the exit tunnel and the shuffle through the airport.  She squirmed around, showing Mommy that she was, in fact, breathing.  And her little face stayed nice and pink.  Relief relief relief.  She did well all the way down to the house and only showed minor discomfort in the day and night to make me think she wasn't feeling totally herself.  As a matter of fact, all of us have felt incredibly good so far and I think the many prayers that have been offered on our behalf have been graciously answered by our loving Father.  He is so good.

So, first thoughts about being home.  It is so ridiculously cold in the house.  And it's not even the height of winter yet.  I'm in my Smartwool socks and wool sweater and still maintain goosebumps most of the day.  However, there is a delightful streaming of sunlight in our room in the afternoon that makes it non-goosebumpy and I love it.  To step outside, however, you would think it was a mild fall day.  I knew it was the case, but I'm seeing afresh how the chill dampers my mood a bit.  Other thoughts: our house seems smaller than we remember.  We have more junk than we remember.  Things don't work as well here (clogging toilets, drippy faucets, curtain rod holders falling out of the wall).  I love my bed.  I love  the plants Scotty cares for so well.  We have a lot of stuff.  Our downstairs neighbors really love us.  I love Feli, our house help.  Did I mention we have a lot of stuff?  Thankfully, feeling well and having Feli here today allowed us to unpack all 7 suitcases and put most of that stuff away, as well as bring up a lot of boxes that more stuff was packed into downstairs and get that put away.  We still have to find some things, like my shoes and toys for Jubilee, but it's getting done, and fast!  I seriously thought it would take us weeks to get it all ordered.  And, Scotty drove to our mechanic (2 blocks down the street), immediately picked him up (without prior notice- awesome!) and drove him back to get our car running again.  You know what that means for tomorrow?  Grocery trip.  Yes!  I'm pretty stoked to get our kitchen stocked again and get cookin'.  But, how do I do this (grocery trips) with 2 kids now?  I know women do this all the time with more, but this is new territory for me.  Thankfully, Scotty can stay with one or both this week, but when he's back to work, what do I do??  This is where I feel totally lost as far as starting up life here again- how to do it with 2.

So, we took a jaunt over to the land (our property a block away) this afternoon, which has been totally covered with high, sticky weeds.  I think our kind neighbor came and kept Zion's grave clear- sweet!  I was not prepared for my reaction upon seeing his grave.  It was like seeing a very old, dear friend after a long time, but then realizing that friend was no longer alive.  My heart ached so freshly and the tears came so quickly.  I just stood there, clutching Jubilee and crying as my mind and heart were filled with sadness, grief, questions, longings.  Even as I held my precious daughter, I longed to be holding Zion.  To have him there to complete our family.  It felt so wrong to have him missing.  And I realized again that Jubilee will never know her big brother.  And Natalie only remembers him because we've talked about him since his death.  It was truly a sad moment.  I wanted to ask God again, "Why??".  As we were reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to Natty this evening, we came to the part where the serpent was tempting Eve to eat the forbidden fruit and managed to convince her that God doesn't love her and that she shouldn't trust Him.  This has been the lie from the beginning, hasn't it?  God doesn't really love me.  If God really loved me, how could He let my son die on the mission field?  How deeply woman has let that lie sink into her.  It's not God's will that has brought us to that question of God's love- it's our own sin.  It's failing to trust.  I've been surprised how many tough memories have come back to me in the 2 days we've been here.  This house is wonderful and cozy and home- but to be in it brings feelings of fear, of doubt, of profound sadness, of loss.  I didn't expect that.  I pray that those will be overcome with joy and with trust in the years to come.

Going home.

The last month or so has been oh so busy and I haven't found a lot of time to blog and sometimes I think I haven't found the time to think about what isn't directly in front of me.  We're at Scotty's parents' house now- after a wonderful, relaxing week at the beach.  We have a couple weeks here, one of those shared with Scotty's sister and brother-in-law and their kids, and then we'll do 3 crazy days of packing at my parents before we board the plane home.  We're ready.  In the same way we are always ready after living away for some time.  We start longing to be in our church, in our home, with our Bolivian and ex-pat friends.  We want "normalcy" and our routine and our sacred little family space.  We still have plenty of last minute things to finish.  No matter how hard we try, these things always loom before us in these last days.  It's never quite as chill at the end as we hope for.  But, we'll finish them to the best of our ability.  I feel different going back this time.  Usually, as the day approaches, I start wondering what ministry is supposed to look like this time.  I often feel guilty that I didn't do enough last term or feel the need to have some flashy ministry plan to make me look like a "good" missionary.  This time, I am just excited about going home and doing what I do there.  Taking care of my kids, being a supportive wife, being a good friend to Bolivians and internationals, opening my home and invitng people over for meals or coffee.  It doesn't feel so much like a job this time.  It's just life and I don't need to prove that I'm doing it correctly.  Hopefully this isn't irresponsibility on my part, but an understanding that seeking to do God's will and honor Him with how you live might look different for us than it does for you- but it's the same goal.  So, other than slight apprehension about re-entering the altitude with Jubilee- I am excited to go back.

Oh so busy.

Too much time has escaped again.  Time that has been spent doing stuff and shopping and seeing people and taking care of kids and eating and who knows what.  Sometimes I think God is pulling out my extroversion and sometimes I think I've just forgotten how to be, how to think, how to be still and listen, how to prioritize and even how to pray.  My mental and emotional gears never downshift anymore.  If I'm not doing something, I'm thinking about doing things and worrying about things that need to be done or making a list of what has yet to be done.  We're in our last few weeks of time in the US.  This is always crunch time.  Making plans with the people we didn't manage to see already (of whom there are many).  Making shopping trips between nursing to pick up stuff that I want to take back to Bolivia.  I'm not sure why this stuff never gets bought earlier in the trip.  Partly, you can never guess just how big that ever-changing 3 year old is going to be and what size clothing she'll need for the next few years.  Doctors appointments seem frequent for us all.  And there is a revolving door here at the Pinckneys that leaves the house often full of friends to chat with and cook with and play with.  I love that!  Thank God there is a never ending supply of people who will watch the baby or indulge Natty's needs to play pretend or make food.  And yet, even with the help, I can't seem to find time to stay up with my Bible reading or get quiet with the Lord.  I don't feel like I've had many conversations with Scotty lately, either.  How to I make my mind stop racing??  I even eat like I'm trying to win a speed contest.

One good thing that helped me slow down a bit was a trip we took last week to Virginia to speak at a missions conference at our friend's church.  These are very dear friends with 2 little girls also and it was a joy to spend the week with them.  Of course, with so many little ones and some sleepless nights and colds and a fairly busy church schedule, the time just wasn't as much as I wanted it to be.  But, it was a special break in our time in Charlotte.

Today, for just a few minutes, I was still.  Jen, a good friend of the Pinckneys, was playing hymns at the piano.  It was beautiful.  I took Jubilee and Natty in the room, sat on the couch, snuggled with my girls and soaked it in.  We were all still long enough for me to be moved almost to tears by the worshipful music and the gift of being with my 2 sweet daughters.  Mingled with that, as always, was a sharp and sudden realization that Zion was missing, my 3rd baby.  He will always be felt most in those moments when I am caught up in gratefulness for my living children.  And, mother's day stares me in the face again.  A time of thanking God for the girls and a time of sadness that our son has gone on before us.  It's been a year and a half now.  Sometimes it's hard to believe I haven't held him in that long.  I sometimes think of him when I'm holding or nursing Jubilee but it's almost too painful to try to imagine him in that place.  But, how much more I understand the gift of my children because of him.

The steadfast love of the Lord.

Have I ever mentioned how I love those Psalms where David spends some time cataloging his woes and wondering where God is?  It's nice to know even the man after God's own heart had some moments of complaining.  Do you mind if I take a moment to do that, too?  Sorry my words are probably not divinely inspired quite like David's...

Since we've come to Charlotte, Jubilee has managed to stretch out her night and day feedings just a bit, but she's added in this fun twist of fussing and grunting and making all manner of unhappy noises and crying in between feeds...which has us up at least as much as before.  I think she's starting to have some gas issues that contribute to this.  Well, she had a particularly difficult bout of this on the night that I found out I had mastitis again.  Add to that the fact that she somehow stopped realizing how to use the paci and now slurps and sucks unsuccessfully, gulping in lots of air and dropping it repeatedly from her mouth.  Hence, the gas. And, that seems to have transferred to breast feeding, where she is now struggling to get a good latch a portion of the time.  Thankfully, I think she's still doing well enough to not worry me that she's not getting enough milk but there is definitely more soreness.  Then, yesterday is the cherry on the sundae.  Scotty and I notice she is getting a bit yellow- strange for a baby that is no longer technically a newborn.  We are able to get her in to the doctor where she had a new patient visit scheduled for next week.  They look at her, ask a bunch of questions and take some blood.  That was oh so sad and she temporarily lost her yellow hue for more of a purplish red induced by a heart-wrenching crying jag.  So, I call this morning (3 times) before I manage to finally get an answer about the result (after waiting last night for the promised lab result call) and the nurse nonchalantly mentions that the levels of bilirubin are slightly elevated and the doctor recommends stopping breastfeeding for 48 hours and then reevaluating her next week.  What?!  At this point, my mind is spinning trying to absorb this info and I'm wondering how in the world I'm going to pump for 2 days with my single hand pump which usually pulls out about an ounce, if I'm lucky, and still manage to have enough milk to breastfeed.  I hang up, cry and immediately start looking online.  Oh, that's after I get Scotty into go mode and send him on a hunt for formula and a Radio Shack to try to fix my old electric double pump and get back all within the hour when Jubilee needs to eat next.  Yeah, right.  So, I see online that breastfeeding jaundice is usually not harmful and is best treated by breastfeeding MORE frequently in order to flush out the extra bilirubin.  Rarely, I read, is it helpful to stop breastfeeding unless the levels are really high and they want to bring them down quickly.  And, if you do stop breastfeeding, it's only for 24 hours.  So, then I get on the phone with Shelli, my go-to medical informant and highly skilled encourager/calmer-downer.  Leave message.  Then I call my nurse practitioner friend in Gainesville.  Leave message.  Then I call a woman I don't even know who is a friend of a friend who is a lactation consultant.  I'll need someone to coach me in how to be a better pumper.  She'll call me back.  Then I pray.  Probably should have done that first.  But, I hold Jubilee and pray and try not to freak out and go find Natty who is playing with a little boy that came over and wait for all my peeps to call back.  This is where I'll try to shorten things.  Friends call back and we decide a) don't take the advice of the pediatrician; b) keep nursing and get things checked again next week; and c) find a new pediatrician quickly.  Beth and a sweet friend from church were downstairs when I went to go get Jubilee's bathing bucket after all this had been worked out.  I relayed what had happened, cried, had lots of sympathy and got some prayer.  My emotions had been all over the place this morning and I was incredibly scared about trying to stop breastfeeding and didn't even like the idea of being physically unattached from my baby for that long.  I'm just now, as I type, starting to feel a more full release from this stress.  We have really been through a lot with this little girl in the last 8 weeks!

So, now that I've vented, let's move on.  At the end of those whining Psalms there is always a remembrance of God's goodness, His faithfulness, His steadfast love.  Let's take a look at that in this situation, shall we?  So, the first thing is that I was able to get into a new practice the same day for Baby J to get looked at.  Second, even though I really wanted to know that night what the diagnosis was, if I had received that call, Scotty would have had to go out in the late evening to find formula and I would have spent all night worrying and trying to manually pump something, probably ending in lots of frustration and tears.  Third, I have friends that I trust who are smart, call me back quickly, and actually care about me and my baby.  And, they give great, trustworthy medical advice.  Forth, although maybe first in priority, I have a husband who will drop everything to help me and support me.  Fifth, the bilirubin levels were low enough that I could safely continue to breastfeed and wait until her next appointment to be rechecked.  This is awesome news.  Sixth, I am staying with an amazingly loving family who will hug me and sympathize and another friend happened to be here who held me and prayed and gave me the name of her beloved nurse practitioner/lactation consultant.  Those are just the things I'm aware of.  Oh, yeah- and I was able to call the friend who delivered Jubilee as soon as I realized I was getting mastitis again and have her call in some meds.  So, God shows Himself faithful and present as always and although I am still a little bit weighed down by some latch issues and a little uncertain of what might happen in the next week with Jubilee's jaundice (there's still a small possibility that it could be something more serious that will present itself later)- I am grateful.  And a little bit exhausted.

A new place.

Well, we've landed in Charlotte after a long stay in Gainesville.  I knew once we got here, it would start to feel like the beginning of the end of our time in the US.  We only have 6 weeks here and already the time is moving quickly.  We hope to reconnect with friends and supporters and enjoy our beloved Desiring God Community Church.  Coty and Beth, the pastor and his wife, have graciously welcomed us into their home- feeding us, helping us with baby, playing with Natty and generally loving us in the special way that they do so well.  I am getting inspired again to cook when we return to Bolivia through Beth's delicious and nutritious home-cooked meals.  We love this family!  Natty has had a bit of a rough transition and I think generally is probably feeling similarly to us- a bit tired of transition and not being in our own home with routine.  Well, that's a bit of what I'm feeling, at least.

 Jubilee continues to stump me with her wacky non-schedule and eating needs.  I never quite know what to expect with her!  But, she's getting chunkier and cuter each day and we love that she's joined our family.  I continually waver back and forth between feeling like she should be slipping into some sort of routine and understanding that there's only so much I can do to help when we are in and out and there's another little girl that has needs too.  The books talk about what they are capable of doing at this age and how you can help them, but I find that it doesn't always play out like that in real life and when it doesn't, I feel like I'm somehow doing something wrong.  But, realistically, I just don't have the time or energy to focus 100% on her like I did with Natty.  And, I'm pretty sure her personality is not one that is going to jive with what the books say.  So, I'm trying to remain positive and trust that I'm taking care of her as best as I can and that eventually we will figure things out.  Until then, Scotty continues to be my faithful helper, both with her and Natty.  I'm also feeling a bit of tension because I know that I need to be in the Word every day to combat the occasional overwhelming emotions that pull me away from focusing on Christ.  This is a hard thing to accomplish with all that is going on- but how desperately I need it as I tend to get frustrated with a cranky 3 year old and a baby that is pretty needy.  But, how do you do  it when those 2 people take up most of the day and spare moments are few and far between (and there always seems to be something more "pressing" to do)?  I know well this is the plight of all moms with little ones.  Any advice that doesn't include waking up earlier than I already do?

Well, it seems as though there is a lot more to say and probably something a bit more interesting to relate, but I just don't have the time.  I'll leave you with a sweet picture I took last night after a particularly traumatic feeding when Jubilee wailed and gnashed her teeth/gums, turned her whole body red and almost woke the whole house because she was SO HUNGRY.  This is what she looked like after her meal: 

If you were wondering...

If you were wondering how things were going with Jubilee, I'm taking some time tonight, when I'd normally be trying to sleep, to update the blog.  I'll probably regret it tomorrow, but it's the first time I don't feel absolutely exhausted and this is the only thing I can handle doing right now.  Jubilee is a newborn- truly.  I don't know if it's cause she was born so small or had a 2 week viral set back or I just have wrong expectations, but I thought things would have started to get a tinsy bit easier.  She still eats every 2 hours in the day time and is just now throwing in a few 3 hour stretches at night (along with 2 hours).  I've felt a bit trapped since she got sick because she has not been allowed out, not even outside.  So, the couple of times I have attempted to get out and do something has gone like this.  Nurse the baby while trying to convince her that she needs to hurry and not dawdle because I have places (place) to go.  Change her diaper, including dabbing Maalox onto her tiny bum sores (my babies have very sensitive skin), blowing on it until it is completely dry, repeating that process once or twice depending on how many times she pees or poops while I'm trying to do it, cover the whole thing with rash ointment and then try to nurse some more since I've woken her up with the diaper changing regimen.  Then, hand her off quickly to someone or rope Scotty into dealing with her on and off napping even though he should be working on his seminary course work.  Grab my purse and rush out the door as quickly as possible while driving the speed limit to my destination. Try not to grip the steering wheel too tightly and make a conscious effort to relax my body as I think about how very little time I have to do what I want to do and make it back to nurse again.  The other day, the destination was Plato's Closet.  This was my first time in the store and I didn't know much about it.  It is a thrift store shoppers paradise.  Cute clothes in great condition at great prices in mass quantities.  I almost drove myself crazy trying to try on clothes and find some post-pregnancy stuff to fit into in a half hour time frame.  I was completely overwhelmed and ended up buying about 4 things that I'm taking back.  All this because I'm not a good pumper and can't seem to get much milk, but I've got a Plato's Closet milk stash in the freezer for next time...

Anyway, I left Jubilee with my parents last night for Scotty's 40th birthday dinner.  She did great and we were only gone a couple of hours, so it was fine.  Nice to get that "first" out of the way and AMAZING to get out of the house and do something fun.  I've been thinking about Christian mommy blogs I've read in the last year or so that talk so much about learning to find joy in the little years and finding satisfaction in the calling that God has on us as mommies.  It all sounded great when I had one easy daughter.  Now, I have a newborn and I've found myself in the trenches again and often without a lot of joy or sense of purpose.  Just surviving from one sleepless night to the next and changing an awful lot of diapers.  How does it work?  I've been looking at Jubilee more intentionally lately.  Remembering how desperately we wanted a baby after Zion died.  Remembering how I would have been willing to endure anything to just have him alive with us.  How quickly I get discouraged when this one cries a lot or doesn't want to be put down to nap and I just need to get a shower.  It's tough to remember these lofty but true ideas when you're in the midst of it all.  And, I don't want to get caught in that trap of thinking in just a few more months she'll be easier or more enjoyable.  It's too easy to wish their lives away and before you know it, there's no more snuggly babies.

My in-laws are here until the end of the week, then there's Easter and our first trip to church since Jubilee's been born, then packing and leaving for Charlotte next week!  I'm excited about the transition, looking forward to seeing lots of friends up there, and nervous that it's going to be all a little too much.  Plus, this move signals the beginning of the end of our time in the US and honestly, my heart is not ready to go back to Bolivia yet.  More on that in another post.

Natty, by the way, is doing great and handling her new baby sister pretty well.  It's good that she's had grandparents to give her attention, but I've felt pretty rotten about not being around much for her.  I know that will change and I long to spend more time just playing with her and loving her.  She's an amazing little girl.

So, those are some random thoughts and an update, for what it's worth.  Now, I should turn in and take advantage of the sleeping baby to get some sleep myself.

Oh, what a week!

You wouldn't guess she was so sick here!  She's looked so good, but felt so bad.

Can I just tell you how my emotions have been on a roller coaster this week?  Last Friday, our little peanut started sounding quite congested.  I chalked it up to allergies and normal infant stuff.  But, she was obviously getting worse by the next day, not eating well and sleeping all day.  I called the pediatrician's office and ended up speaking with my neighbor, who is the nurse practitioner there that we see and happens to have a little girl around Natty's age that she plays with from time to time.  How cool of God to line that all up years ahead of time by putting my parent's in this 'hood?  So, I didn't take her in, but Allison told me what to look out for.  Apparently, when wee ones get a cold, it's so much more serious than when older kids or adults get colds.  And, it can be a nasty thing called RSV, which is a more serious virus but completely unpreventable and is cared for in the same way a cold is.  It can also turn into bronchiolitis, which is as scary as it sounds.  So, my heart began turning flip flops as I realized how sick my baby could be and wondered how this happened when I've been so diligent in keeping her inside for the last 3 weeks.  Why why why??  Doesn't God know how hard it is for me to go through anything risky with a baby?  Didn't He just miraculously work all things for good in my body during this pregnancy and allow her to be perfect even though she was early and tiny?  Yes.  But, apparently there is something good in this, too.  So, we wait and watch and watch and wait and I do a fair amount of worrying myself sick.  And praying.  And trying real hard not to be anxious.  The pediatrician is cautious and tells me how it is and how it could be, while hoping for the best.  Several really rough nights go by- nights when we're awake more than asleep and the baby just seems to be inconsolable.  More days go by when I'm weighed down by my concern, punctuated by moments of clarity and faith- when I'm really believing God is going to take care of us.  I can't help but be overwhelmed, again, by the gift of having Allison living down the street.  She stopped by the house to listen to her lungs and count her breaths, several times.  She let me call her on her cell phone any time and even said she'd come down in the middle of the night to check her before we took her to the E.R.- if it came to that.  Amazing.  We've gotten to know the sweet staff at her pediatrician's office well and they know us.  The last two nights, she's seemed to do better.  More sleep, more eating.  But, she also started wheezing a bit last night, which is another indicator that it's becoming harder for her to breathe- a worrisome thing.  This morning she was coughing more and obviously struggling to take a mucus-free breath.  I was worried.  We took her in to have her checked and prayed a lot that God would heal her on the way.  After Allison checked her, she said she sounded better even than she did last night (when she graciously came over to listen)!  I cried from relief.  She told us that she is incredibly impressed and surprised that Jubilee has handled this virus so well.  She said most babies her age and size would have been in the hospital by now.  She doesn't foresee her getting worse at this point, even though she'd still give her through tomorrow to be really watching for respiratory distress.  So, we see again how faithful and kind God is.  He both allowed this sickness into our household (and now half of us have colds!) and has kept it from doing its worst in the body of my tiny daughter.  I know I will continue to struggle with fear until she is all better but I am learning again(why do these lessons never stick??)  how to believe God in all things.  And, when I look on the Desiring God web page yesterday to listen to Pastor Piper's latest sermon- I am not surprised that it's on overcoming your anxiety based on John 14: "Let not your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God; believe also in me."

P.S. This is where I should have cute one-month old pics of little Jubilee, since today is her one-month birthday...  That will have to wait till she's all better and actually awake.