Early morning thoughts

Some times your best thoughts come to you in the early morning.  God speaks to your heart and you feel a special connection and peace before you get the day going.  That's not what my early morning looked like today...  After feeding Jubilee around 4, while she was talking away in her crib (thinking it was time to get up??), I had 2 major thoughts.  One, I am completely lacking intentionality in my life right now.  I am not intentional with how I plan my day.  I am not intentional with the activities I choose to do with Natalie- often getting side-tracked in the middle of us playing together and wandering off to fold diapers or wash dishes without even telling her.  I am not intentional with my husband or anyone else for that matter.  In our last team meeting, we talked about whether we were thriving or just surviving.  Survival-mode, all the way.  I think it's part of transitioning back into life in La Paz.  At first we were consumed with just getting everyday things in order and then the girls got sick and now, after several weeks of needing to stay home with them, I'm just doing what needs to be done each day.  Shower, dress kids, change diapers, cook, clean dishes, survive, try not to get frustrated at anyone, etc...  It's getting old.  I finally made myself intentionally read my Bible and catch up with my reading plan today while I had a few minutes to myself here and there.  I think my default when life seems out of control or not as satisfactory as I want it to be is just to put myself on cruise control.  I am praying for some practical steps to take to fix this and the desire to make the effort.

The other thing- my baby is not a text book baby.  (There aren't too many of those, right?)  When Jubilee was in her first few months, I kinda just let her eat whenever and sleep whenever and wherever.  We didn't have much choice because we were sharing spaces and meal times and visiting and wanting to spent time with people.  It worked and it actually felt kinda freeing.  Shortly before returning, I imagined that getting back to La Paz meant routine and control and the ability to mold my baby's nap times and mid-night activities to my desires.  Hmmm.  I didn't realize that coming into the altitude would make her hungrier.  Living at 11,000 ft. does speed up your metabolism.  She had started frequently sleeping 8 or 9 hour stretches at night in the US, but we cut that in half when returning and haven't been able to stretch back out.  Then she got a cold...and another one...that still hasn't gone away.  For many reasons that I won't bore you with- that is keeping her wanting to eat more frequently in the night as well.  So, all my best efforts at "training" her are not working.  Partially because I am not committed.  And partially because I'm not sure what her real needs are.  They seem to change daily, based on how sick she felt that day or sleepy or whatever.  And what mommy has never given in to comparing her baby to another one and wonders why hers can't be "that easy"?  I had to admit that the circumstances in Jubilee's life are not static.  There are other forces at work that make things more challenging from time to time.  And, ultimately, it will get easier and I need to let go of expecting it to happen at the snap of my fingers.  But, I really like control.  A lot.  Maybe God's trying to tell me something here...

So, aside from those downers- Scotty is making great progress on Jubilee's visa.  We go in early tomorrow morning to get her little medical check done and that should be the last major requirement before we can turn everything in.  He's preaching again this Sunday and we'll have good friends over after church who were so pumped that we brought them a crock pot from the US so they want to share the yumminess they've been creating.  I'm finding that weekends have been packed with people lately and are great fun and also very tiring.  In another week or so we'll have an overnight retreat with the elders and their families, which will be a good time to reconnect with everyone and deepen those friendships.  I am thankful tonight for this time to write, to process, to share.