Where do I even start? So many thoughts have gone through my head in the last 3 days. The first of those days was mostly survival. Get the girls through 2 flights, one 9 hour layover in Miami and into the altitude without major melt-downs or passing out from lack of oxygen. We had one minor melt-down but no passing out! I can't tell you how thankful I am to our great God for sparing me, Scotty and Jubilee the trauma of turning purple and rushing to the oxygen room while waiting in line at customs. We were under the impression that a doctor would be waiting at the door of the plane for us at the airport. Not there. We thought if we explained our situation to the flight attendant, they would let us off first. Not gonna happen. Thankfully, she remained asleep in her car seat even as the lights went on in the cabin, the loud voices started, the cold blast of air came through the exit tunnel and the shuffle through the airport. She squirmed around, showing Mommy that she was, in fact, breathing. And her little face stayed nice and pink. Relief relief relief. She did well all the way down to the house and only showed minor discomfort in the day and night to make me think she wasn't feeling totally herself. As a matter of fact, all of us have felt incredibly good so far and I think the many prayers that have been offered on our behalf have been graciously answered by our loving Father. He is so good.
So, first thoughts about being home. It is so ridiculously cold in the house. And it's not even the height of winter yet. I'm in my Smartwool socks and wool sweater and still maintain goosebumps most of the day. However, there is a delightful streaming of sunlight in our room in the afternoon that makes it non-goosebumpy and I love it. To step outside, however, you would think it was a mild fall day. I knew it was the case, but I'm seeing afresh how the chill dampers my mood a bit. Other thoughts: our house seems smaller than we remember. We have more junk than we remember. Things don't work as well here (clogging toilets, drippy faucets, curtain rod holders falling out of the wall). I love my bed. I love the plants Scotty cares for so well. We have a lot of stuff. Our downstairs neighbors really love us. I love Feli, our house help. Did I mention we have a lot of stuff? Thankfully, feeling well and having Feli here today allowed us to unpack all 7 suitcases and put most of that stuff away, as well as bring up a lot of boxes that more stuff was packed into downstairs and get that put away. We still have to find some things, like my shoes and toys for Jubilee, but it's getting done, and fast! I seriously thought it would take us weeks to get it all ordered. And, Scotty drove to our mechanic (2 blocks down the street), immediately picked him up (without prior notice- awesome!) and drove him back to get our car running again. You know what that means for tomorrow? Grocery trip. Yes! I'm pretty stoked to get our kitchen stocked again and get cookin'. But, how do I do this (grocery trips) with 2 kids now? I know women do this all the time with more, but this is new territory for me. Thankfully, Scotty can stay with one or both this week, but when he's back to work, what do I do?? This is where I feel totally lost as far as starting up life here again- how to do it with 2.
So, we took a jaunt over to the land (our property a block away) this afternoon, which has been totally covered with high, sticky weeds. I think our kind neighbor came and kept Zion's grave clear- sweet! I was not prepared for my reaction upon seeing his grave. It was like seeing a very old, dear friend after a long time, but then realizing that friend was no longer alive. My heart ached so freshly and the tears came so quickly. I just stood there, clutching Jubilee and crying as my mind and heart were filled with sadness, grief, questions, longings. Even as I held my precious daughter, I longed to be holding Zion. To have him there to complete our family. It felt so wrong to have him missing. And I realized again that Jubilee will never know her big brother. And Natalie only remembers him because we've talked about him since his death. It was truly a sad moment. I wanted to ask God again, "Why??". As we were reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to Natty this evening, we came to the part where the serpent was tempting Eve to eat the forbidden fruit and managed to convince her that God doesn't love her and that she shouldn't trust Him. This has been the lie from the beginning, hasn't it? God doesn't really love me. If God really loved me, how could He let my son die on the mission field? How deeply woman has let that lie sink into her. It's not God's will that has brought us to that question of God's love- it's our own sin. It's failing to trust. I've been surprised how many tough memories have come back to me in the 2 days we've been here. This house is wonderful and cozy and home- but to be in it brings feelings of fear, of doubt, of profound sadness, of loss. I didn't expect that. I pray that those will be overcome with joy and with trust in the years to come.
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