I am God.

It's windy today.  When I look out the window I can see plastic bags jerking through the air and clothes whipping around on the drying lines.  I can feel a breeze coming through any (closed) window of my house and the curtains inside lightly move.  It's been hazy lately- a result of the dry season kicking up dust and no rains yet to settle it back down.  I have another cold and the dry air hits my sinuses hard.  My head ached as I walked around Mallasilla this morning- the first walk I've felt well enough to take all week.  But, I recognize the blessed life I lead.  I have a wonderful relationship with my husband.  I have two beautiful, thriving daughters.  I have sweet friends.  But something the ladies talked about in Bible study last night tugs at my heart, at my comfort.  Suffering.  I've been there before...I don't want to go back.  And yet, we all agreed and could not deny as we read scripture together that to suffer is sometimes part of a good plan that the Lord has for us.  He shows Himself to us in a more profound way.  Just look at Job.  "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you."  I've said that in suffering...or maybe something not so eloquent.  But, I get that.  However, my heart still says, isn't there another way to see?  Sometimes I feel like I am more afraid than ever of suffering.  I haven't yet fully learned or accepted that to know the Lord, to see Him, is the greatest gift He could give us...no matter what it costs.  I think He has been telling me lately that there are still things that I hold on to too tightly.  Sometimes this world, this life, means too much to me.  I know there is freedom in letting it go, but I'm afraid it will hurt too much.  A friend pointed out that after Job had voiced his complaint and questioned why he even had to be born, the Lord said, I am God.  He didn't give specific answers or even comforting ones.  We know something Job didn't know in that moment- that God would restore Job's life with even more sweet gifts than before.  But in that moment of pain, God's answer was, I am God.  He doesn't always promise to make it better and that is a hard truth to swallow as His children.  But, He is God.  And being God, He is good and kind and love.  Sometimes, I still struggle to fully believe that, despite whatever I might be going through in this moment.