The end is near.

Today has been the epitome of dreary.  I woke up from restless sleep and found it to be grey and rainy outside.  The two trees in the front yard that we look at each morning from out bedroom window are completely leafless, not so common in North Florida where we enjoy mostly evergreen varieties that look happy all year round.  If I didn't know better, I'd think it could snow.  I decided to stay home from church this morning in order to give my body a rest.  Yesterday, I overdid my activity level and spent the majority of the day out- walking, standing, getting up and down numerous times.  It was a good day spent with my family and Scotty and I finished it out amazed at the sweetness of our little Natalie.  She's by no means perfect, as we parents know all too well, but I am daily grateful for her ability to maintain a good attitude and be a pleasure to be around in situations that some kids would not endure patiently.  She has this ability to make fun for herself- as long as we are out of the house.  In the house, she wants you to entertain and interact with her all day, every day.  When we go out shopping, she skips around the store pointing out shiny belts and pretty dresses and cooing over clothes like a teenager on a shopping spree- "OOohh!  Look at this pretty shirt Mommy!  Isn't it beautiful?"  Yesterday, as a friend took some last minute belly shots at a lovely outdoor venue in Gainesville, she ran around picking us flowers and looking for ants and generally having the time of her life while we posed and smiled and mostly ignored her when she wasn't a part of the shot.  I have to admit that the relative ease of having a child of this calm temperament and at an age where she can do most things for herself without needing my constant involvement is really nice.  I feel spoiled, even.  Then, I think about the days to come.  Starting over again from scratch with a newborn who will need me day and night and depend on me for food, comfort and even to help her sleep.  Part of me looks forward with great expectation to having such a little one again.  Part of me is a little fearful!  I think the problem is that I recognize my own selfishness and the great enjoyment of having my own time and not having to be bothered so often by tending to other people.  And yet, I believe so strongly in a woman's natural role and inclination to be a mother- including completely dying to self and putting the needs of others before ones' own.  Isn't this a mandate for all of us who are children of God?  But, seriously- who's really mastered that with no remaining struggle??

I'm also finding it harder as the due date approaches to not stir up anxiety in my heart.  I've been trying to figure out why it's actually increasingly difficult to be at peace now that I am technically full term than it was before this.  I know that I want with all my heart to make it to March 12th so that I and my family can play this whole thing out just as we expect it to.  I'm pretty sure there is still some baggage within me and terribly negative associations that come along with labor and delivery happening before the expected time.  And yet, I know that when it happens, it will not surprise the Lord who ordains all events and controls our days.  But, there's a pretty huge resistance in my mind when I think of stuff getting started earlier than it "should".  And lately, I have certainly noticed more and more signs that the end is near.  The last thing I wanted was to spend the last bit of my pregnancy weighed down by worry.  I feel like I'm in that situation where people tell you to enjoy something to the fullest (usually something that you know you will not experience again), but you're just not sure how or what that means.  I am more grateful to God than I can remember ever being for the time and experiences He's already given us and I just want to end with that same feeling of gratitude and not slip back into that daily battle of whether or not I can really trust Him.

Just some thoughts in these last days.  Although there are some tough things going on in my heart, I am so ready to meet Jubilee, to have her in our arms, to take care of her and experience this new season for our family.  God has brought much healing and so much joy through this new life.  I am thankful for her.