The fight.

It's funny (annoying) how quickly your emotions can swing back and forth when you're pregnant- or maybe just if you're me.  Tuesday we had another check-up with the doctor- we'll be going every 2 weeks now.  I'm at 28 weeks, which is the time when everything started going wrong in my pregnancy with Zion, so I was a bit anxious to find out the status of body at this point.  The doctor again saw no change in my cervix and was very pleased with my weight gain, blood pressure, etc...  It was another one of those times when things turned out as perfectly as you could hope they would- something that has characterized all of my appointments so far since arriving to the US.  I was thrilled and spent the rest of that day thanking God continually.  It feels so incredibly nice to live a mostly normal life and do the things that I want to do, within reason.  Then, the other night, Natty woke up absolutely terrified about something.  Her screaming was really traumatic to me that night and I found myself awake long after she had gone back to bed.  I don't know if it was a form of spiritual attack or just the tiredness (lots of things seem more serious and often more negative when you're awake in the middle of the night), but I started picturing what it would be like when the time came for us to return to Bolivia, and it wasn't pretty.  First, I imagined the actual process of getting there, which always includes a long overnight flight that is hard with one child that can't get comfortable and is up off and on throughout the night, usually crying from exhaustion.  But, this time there is also a small baby involved.  Flashbacks to our arrival in La Paz when Natty was just shy of 3 months were playing in my head when we had to break through the customs line and whiz past a confused/angry looking guard because our daughter had stopped breathing and was turning purple around the lips.  High altitude can do harsh things to little ones (and big, too).  I certainly can't help but think of a repeat of that with Jubilee, who will be 3 1/2 months old when we are slated to go back.  Then, there were scenes of La Paz.  I usually have no problem with the fact that Bolivia is a developing world and reflects that in different ways wherever you are, even the capitol.  However, that night, my feeling was that it was harsh, dirty, unwelcoming, scary.  After losing Zion there and a handful of other less than ideal experiences with doctors and hospitals, I often fear going back to raise not just one, but two children there.  It was hard to not be temporarily overwhelmed by these thoughts and even wonder what would we do if I just couldn't return.  I woke up in the morning not feeling anything quite that dramatic and marveling that just a few weeks ago, I was looking fondly at our beloved Bolivian home and family, missing our time there and experiences there with them.  Why so fickle??  I suppose this is just the reality of our lives.  There is real good here in the US and there.  There is real bad in both places, also.  There is a seemingly eternal quest to think in a way that is balanced and healthy, to remind myself of Who is controlling our lives and what we experience in them and to rest in His goodness, grace and power when the answers don't come easily.  I think my struggles are real but I think I can let them grow to monstrous proportions when I'm not careful, when I take my focus off of Christ.  The Bible is full of good promises that we must keep our eyes fixed, unwavering, on the Lord and He will give us peace, He will guide, He will make the path straight.  Sometimes that task is easier than at other times, but it's always worth the fight.