I am an introvert.

It's gorgeous weather today- perfect blue skies and temps in the high 60s.  There are few leaves on the trees right outside my bedroom window, which makes it look more wintry than it really feels.  I'm trying to finish up my book about introverts in the church and decide if I agree completely with everything the author believes about how introverts should think and respond to the practices of mainstream, American evangelical churches.  I have wrestled all my life with my tendencies toward being solitary and independent, because it is easiest and most comfortable to me, in the context of Christian community.  I know that it is healthy to push myself a bit in these areas and be an active part of the bigger picture.  The challenge is figuring out how much a part of that picture I "should" incorporate into my daily life and walk with the Lord and how much to accept the personality that God has given me and work within the introverted mindset, knowing that we all make up the different parts of the body of Christ.  This book has definitely given me some ideas to chew on, but I feel like I've been led to believe for so long that an extrovert fits into the church more easily, that I don't know if I'm sorting through these issues with that stuck in the back of my mind or if I'm uncomfortable with some of the author's theories because they don't strike me as particularly Biblical.  It's all a bit muddled at the moment...  One thing that rang very true to me was a list of introvert attributes, most of which I resonate completely with.  I'll list those here:

1.  Prefer to relax alone or with a few close friends
2.  Consider only deep relationships as friends
3.  Need rest after outside activities, even ones we enjoy
4.  Often listen but talk a lot about topics of importance to us
5.  Appear calm, self-contained and like to observe (notice the word "appear"- things aren't always inside as they seem on the outside)
6.  Tend to think before we speak or act
7.  May prefer a quiet atmosphere
8.  Experience our minds going blank in groups or under pressure (yes yes yes!)
9.  Don't like feeling rushed
10.  Have great powers of concentration
11.  Are territorial- desire private space and time
12.  May treat their homes as their sanctuaries
13.  May prefer written communication (hence, the blog)
14.  Do not share private thoughts with many people.  Scotty found this one particularly amusing as my blog has led me to share very private thoughts with lots of people.  But, the benefit of writing for an introvert is that I don't have to tell any of you these things face to face, which would be much harder for me.

Can you see how many of these might make being a missionary very challenging??  There are certain expectations of having the right answers in the moment, always being available for people, having an "open-door" policy at your home, leading Bible studies, etc... that don't come at all naturally for me.  I have realized more and more that my struggles relate to being an introvert, but for a long time, I just thought I was a selfish person.  Ok, well, I really am, but it's not just that.  It's good that the author leads you through some practical steps to determining what you might need to incorporate into your life as an introvert to be able to find the refreshment and times of reflection that fill you up for continued ministry.  Scotty has done a good job helping me do that and trying to protect me from too much activity, even when I know he doesn't understand my hesitance.

Well, I could go on, but I wasn't even planning on blogging on this subject to such depth today.  :)  I'll save other thoughts for another day.