Looking back and challenged by today

Before we left Bolivia, one of our dear teammates gave us a beautifully bound wooden book with a pink butterfly tile mounted on the front and brown paper pages.  I decided rather quickly that I wanted to make it into a baby book for Jubilee.  I'm somewhat artistic and love to write, but I'm not much for scrap booking.  I don't have the patience or creativity to cut out paper with special scissors or come up with fun captions and such.  So, I'm thinking I'll try to do more of a baby journal, with pics and some of the normal baby books things like "firsts" and birth facts and the like.  Scotty is out of town for a few weeks and I find myself with time on my hands in the evening.  I'm finding these nights to be very productive, whether it's catching up with reading, calling friends, or just working a little on projects that I've thought about but haven't made any progress on.  Tonight, I finally typed out some ideas of stuff I want to write in Jubilee's book and it's been a good mental walk through of the last 7 months and reminder of how God has graciously worked in my life in that time.  It seems like eons ago that I found out I was pregnant.  I think anything pertaining to our life in Bolivia just feels like it was long ago because we are in such a different world here.  Thankfully, bed rest seems like it was a long time ago and I actually don't look back with any sort of bitterness because God blessed me so greatly during that time.  I saw a whole new depth of sacrificial love coming from my husband, a new sense of community through the families who reached out to us in the neighborhood, made some precious memories with my compassionate little 3 year old who loved just to sit by me and be together, and generally felt so insanely well-cared for that I have no complaints that are worth voicing.  I also wrote a bit about God's divine intervention in my fear-clouded mind at the beginning of the pregnancy and the way that He powerfully pulled me from that dark place to a place of resting in Him and His ability to wholly care for us.  I haven't even gotten to the part where we arrive in the states and might need to reserve a whole chapter for the awesome ways that God has worked things out for this home assignment.  Wow!  I struggle(d) so much after Zion died with thinking that God could only reveal deep things about Himself in my life through suffering, but I get the feeling He's proving me wrong on that one and going crazy to show me how much He delights in blessing me.  It is good and so undeserved.

I'm loving that this time is allowing me to slow down and take deep breaths.  Yoga videos especially help with that.  Seriously though, it is hard even when you don't have a lot of responsibility and there are 2 extra family members to help occupy the time of your one child, to slow down and be at rest.  Truly there are an infinite number of ways to fill your time, stay "busy", make unnecessary things necessary, and generally move yourself quickly through life without doing a whole lot of worthwhile things or taking time to see God.  I've even found myself less involved with Natty these days because she is so entertained by my parents and I have other things I "need" to be doing.  I'm starting to realize how little time is left before a new baby will be on the scene and I won't be able to hang out with Natty as much as I might like.  I want to carve out special time for the two of us, especially while Scotty is out of town.  I also want to take more time to pray.  For those of you who think (and I'm so one of you) that if you just had more time to pray, you would do it more often...I bet it wouldn't be as easy as you think.  I have enjoyed consistent Bible reading and prayer with my coffee in the morning, but how awesome would it be to take even more time- by myself and with my husband??  I'm going to work on this while Scotty is gone, too.  And, I want to remember what I learned while on bed rest- sometimes not doing anything is the best thing you can do!  I felt so justified in just sitting around the house all day with my daughter because I knew it was what I had to do to take care of myself and my unborn child.  So, I delighted in snuggling on the couch with Natty and playing toddler computer games.  I loved just hanging out with a mom from church and talking about everything and nothing.  Natty and I would sit on her bedside and stare out the window and play "I spy".  All of these things were more enjoyable when there was nothing else that could take me away from doing them- I wasn't allowed to do anything else.  But here, now that I am free, everything else vies for my time and attention.  Have we been to the library recently?  Or had a play date?  Or gone shopping?  Or any number of other things that concern only me?  It's hard for me just to sit down with my daughter and play uninterruptedly for much time at all before my mind starts wandering to how we can "maximize" our time in the states.

Anyway, I digress.  Doctor's appointment in the morning.  The first of my weekly visits until the end.  Believing all will be well!