Scars.

As you ladies (or husbands of ladies) who have had C-sections know, the major surgery that brings your baby into the world leaves a scar.  The mark probably varies from woman to woman, but the scar left on my body from Zion is pretty thick, pretty hard and a bit crooked.  The last time I was at the doctor, he mentioned cleaning up the scar when he does the C-section for Jubilee.  He said he'd cut out the old scar and somehow close the new incision from underneath in a way that leaves something smaller, lighter, less noticeable.  That sounded good.  When we were worshiping at church this morning and pondering what God has ahead of us in the new year, I felt Him guiding my thoughts back to the conversation with the doctor about my scar and showing me that He was going to do some metaphoric scar lifting as well.  Throughout this pregnancy, I've felt led to believe that it was going to be different this time.  God has been challenging me to believe He could and would do a new thing that turns out differently from what we experienced with Zion and to trust that Jubilee, as her name implies, will bring us great joy and rejoicing.  Today, I felt like He was telling me that He was going to use her birth- a healthy, uneventful, good one- to cut some of the ugliness out of the scars on my heart left from losing my son.  Experiencing what I've come to believe just isn't possible for me- a good and normal outcome of pregnancy- will be used by the Lord to soften that scar that losing a baby too early left behind.  He's going to cut that ugly scar away and what will be left will still be a mark- each baby leaves a profound one behind in one way or another and I wouldn't want to ever lose the marks Zion left on our lives.  However, He's going to stitch differently this time in a way that makes that wound a bit smaller and brings healing.  As often as I've gotten this impression, I still have a hard time believing that it could be true for me.  I wrestle with not wanting to give into the sense of relief that because I want to somehow prepare myself for the worst, or at least something hard. He's already been so good to give me this period of rest and joy and actual enjoyment of my pregnancy that I was longing for- but it still isn't enough sometimes.  I even almost chose to not write this blog until after Jubilee would be born, in case it didn't turn out as I great as I'm hoping...  But, maybe this year God is wanting me to not only believe in, but experience in a new way the good and enjoyable gifts He loves to give His children.  This part of His character is something I've doubted from time to time since losing Zion.  I'd love to be taught otherwise.