Thanksgiving trip.

Well, here I am again with only a couple minutes to blog!  I'll give a whirlwind wrap-up of our first road trip with Moses at Thanksgiving.  Hop over to FB to see the pics.

The girls so rarely get to take baths!  3 in a tub.

We were so excited to go with our friends Zack and Carolyn and their baby Henry to visit my old roommate, Timara, who now runs the SIM guesthouse in Cochabamba with her family.  Road trips from La Paz always include a beautiful drive on the 13,000ft. high altiplano.  There's rural villages, llamas, breathtaking mountainscapes, and a painful lack of bathrooms.  Can you believe we didn't stop for a potty break the entire 6 1/2 hour drive there??  I set the girls up with worksheets I had downloaded from the internet and a short audible book.  Moses had a couple toys, books and food which managed to keep him happy in between a short nap for the long haul.  We arrived around bedtime, which was a bit stressful for Mo since he thought the apartment where we were staying for those 3 nights was the most interesting place he had ever been and he wanted to crawl every inch and grab everything within reach.  After getting his crib set up and enduring a long session of screaming, I started to wonder if we had made a mistake taking him on a trip like this so early into his transition into our family.  However, he proved himself by taking his normal naps and sleeping just as well at night as he does at home!  Good job, buddy!

The girls woke up each morning and went straight downstairs to run around the expansive living areas, kitchen and yard.  They feasted on fruit loops, a delicacy found rarely in our house, and generally ran themselves silly.  There are swings and a slide and two dogs and grass and blackberries and all manner of simple pleasures that the girls can't get enough of.  Moses crawled and crawled and ate leaves and petted the dogs and crawled some more.  They took baths and we walked around town and mostly we just hung out with Timara and her family and Zack and Carolyn.  Visiting Cochabamba is such a restful activity for us!  Thanksgiving day was a blast as we shared traditional American fare with old friends, new friends and in between.  We always remember that special Thanksgiving meal many moons ago when Scotty and I met and started a friendship that would quickly become much more.

After two quick days, we were back on the road again to start the home stretch before Christmas break. And here we are!  One half day more of school and my in-laws arrive and the festivities can really begin.  Our house won't be done like we were so sure it would, but we expect to enjoy a lot of time together as a a family, which is what we are all longing for in this busy season.

MoMo update

Oh, my.  Does anyone even stop by here anymore?  It's been a while...  This is mostly because we're living at breakneck speed with no time to sit down and write, or think, or rest, or anything else I used to do.  I was inspired to pump out a blog in the last 15 minutes I have before I pick up Natty because I was just reading another adoptive mom's blog where she shares the real story of what adoption is like.  I was actually looking for someone to answer the question I have of why Moses, after starting to sleep soundly most nights, is back to waking up screaming and arching his back and generally acting traumatized at night.  (I didn't find anything, if you want to know)  However, I came across Jen Hatmaker's blog and remembered that maybe some of you out there want to know how it's all going.

Moses.  He's adorable.  He has one of those smiles I always read about in novels, but hadn't actually seen much of in real life: it totally lights up his face.  He's one serious dude when he's not smiling.  He is into everything and bored quickly by it.  But, we have no yard, so I try to find new and interesting this in the house to entertain him.  Today: Daddy's toolbox.  You can't poke your eye out with a screwdriver unless you're crawling with it, right?  He has a window-shattering scream.  And he will use it when he doesn't get his way.  He goes through long phases of sulking around the house, crying and throwing himself to the ground when I put him down.  At other points, I'll find him happily browsing through his sisters' library for chunks of time.  He eats A LOT.  Seriously, easily more than Jubilee.  He LOVES books.  When I pick one up, he'll take a deep breath, let out a happy squeal and crawl as fast as he can into my lap and sometimes bounce.  He smiles at people, but doesn't want to be held by them.  He actually gets a fair amount of attention around town.  In short (or long), he's an amazing baby.  I look at him and wonder what awful thing must have happened in his birth mom's life that she was willing to give such a precious boy up.  We love him deeply and more every day.  But, I have to admit that the switch from 2 to 3 kids has been hard.  I think it's amplified by the fact that we are building a house and that Scotty is in a new and demanding job.  And, I often feel a certain amount of stress that I don't have any resources (apart from the internet, which is not always incredibly helpful, if you know what I mean) to help me maneuver the waters of adoption.  Is he acting this way cause he feels rejected by me or is he just being a normal one year old?  Is he waking up more at night because I'm not as attentive to his needs in the day as I should be or is it just normal behavior for a baby who's lived in an institution and spent the first 8 months of his life experiencing consistent trauma?  Does he have any common adoption disorders that I'm not aware of or noticing that we could be working toward helping him through?

So, that's Moses.  It's hard to condense all the other things that we've been dealing with and learning in these last few months, so I won't try.  But, it has a lot to do with being continually disappointed by people (mostly regarding the house), experiencing the ensuing anger, repenting that my heart is still so clouded by sin, and then the Lord helping me to see that my focus is often on everything else but Him.  It's been one of the hardest phases in our marriage and family life.  So. Much. Stress.  Some days I feel OK about it, some days I really don't.  Check back in soon and I'll try to go more into that.

The parable of the cranky children.

Love me.  Now!

I've been thinking a bit about the parable of the hidden treasure lately.  You know the one.  Where the man finds a hidden treasure and in his joy, sells all he has to buy the land where he found the treasure.  Even though everything in my life is in fast motion right now, I managed to slow down long enough to think about this parable that I've read probably hundreds of times in my life.  Obviously this parable is not like some of the others where the meaning was hidden to the people Jesus was speaking with.  This one is blatantly talking about God's kingdom.  So, what does this look like for me?  Do I have to sell everything I have to find the kingdom of heaven?  I don't think so.  To sell everything- that is a big sacrifice!  But, what about to give up sleep?  To give up "me time"?  To be busier than I like to be, more needed, stretched in more directions than I'm used to?  What if that is the sacrifice the Lord is asking me to make to find his kingdom?  It seems like God's kingdom in Bible times came to those who were being healed and freed and given sight.  We're told even though the fullness is yet to come, we live in His kingdom when He is at work around us, in us and through us.  When I am rocking Moses in the night for the 10th time because he is crying again, God's kingdom has come.  When I'm sorting out tears and tantrums from my 3 year old and showing her that someone cares, God's kingdom has come.  When I sympathetically listen to my eldest complain that everyone else gets treated better than her, God's kingdom has come.  I've been known to complain about a lot of these things lately.  It's exhausting to mother 3 needy children.  (Can I get an AMEN?!)  But, I think the Lord is wanting me to see that the painful sacrifice of it all brings me an even greater reward: Himself.

Life will be better when...

...Moses starts sleeping more at night.
...we're in the new house.
...Scotty gets on top of his work.
...Jubilee gets past the jealous phase.
...I have more time for myself again.

We've all done it.  (Or am I the only one?)  We look ahead to some future goal, a hope, the return of something we had before, and think life will be better/easier/less stressful.  I think I'll somehow become more content, more godly, more disciplined when these things happen.  The Lord has been challenging us about this erroneous way of thinking.  It's the lie that we too easily believe that keeps us from being content, keeps us from finding joy in the now, robs us of learning what this season (how ever hard it may be) is meant to teach us.  Scotty and I are trying so hard to take this phrase out of our vocabulary, but I know we both still struggle with it.  We're at the beginning of a transition phase and sometimes we just want to push through and get to the end of it, as though the process was not more important.  It's in the midst of the stress of a new job, the exhaustion of a baby who needs us all hours of the night, the confusion and frustration of trying to build a house in a developing country that we learn to cry out to our Lord who is in control of it all.  We see how quickly we fall short of being merciful, kind, patient people and instead see a big mess of ugly sin that is need of endless forgiveness.  We learn to be grateful for little things.  How desperately I want this season not to be one we'll look back on and say, "Whew!  Glad that's over".  But, "Remember how sweet that time was?  How much fun we had as a family in the chaos?  How much we grew?"  Only by God's grace.

10 years?!

I have to laugh at this picture that was taken during a day retreat we went on last weekend to celebrate 10 years of marriage.  We look so tired!  I suppose 3 months of hardly sleeping will do that to you.  Sigh.  But, taking a day away in this beautiful, relaxing place was just what we needed.  Friends of ours have a retreat center about 25 minutes downhill from our house.  The landscape changes dramatically, as does the weather, and by the time we arrived, we were in a green valley with farms all around.  They had reserved the whole place just for us with the purpose of really resting in God's presence, spending time in the Word, praying together and just hanging out.  We were blessed to have our trusted house-helper come to stay with the kids, the first time we've left Moses for a whole day.  They all did great!  And we were able to reflect on God's goodness to our family these last 10 years.  Here's some highlights:

2005: Married and moved to our first home in Charlotte, NC.  We quickly developed a tight community through Desiring God Community Church that made that year amazing.  So glad to still be in relationship with those peeps.

2006:  Back to Bolivia!  To the land where we met and fell in love and where God has called us to live long-term.  Back into Spanish classes.  Found the apartment we've lived in since and have long out-grown.  Met our church planting team!

2007:  God creates our first baby and we lose him.  Scotty breaks his collarbone in a bike accident.  God begins forming our character through suffering. We decide to take a trip to Spain: Madrid, Barcelona, and Sevilla.

2008:  Natalie Inez is born- we're parents!  Let the ride begin...  Also squeeze in a trip to Argentina and Uruguay earlier in the year.

2009:  We take a long home assignment and travel the east/mid-west to see the incredible friends and supporters God has blessed us with.  So fun to celebrate Natty's first birthday with our family!

2010:  Baby #3- a boy!  Little Zion Scott is born premature and rocks our world for 19 days.  He leaves us all too soon and we learn what real suffering looks like.  Life will never be the same and God becomes more real than ever.

2011:  The church plant we have helped start is well established.  Scotty is deep in the work of being an elder and small group leader.  God rocks us again with baby #4 and we decide to have this one in the U.S.

2012- Jubilee Sage!  Our great joy as we experience the fulfillment of hope after loss.

2013- Burn out.  It's big and ugly and hanging on.  We struggle in ministry and as a family.

2014- God leads us back to the U.S. for rest and counselling.  He does a miracle in restoration and healing and we're back in Bolivia after a couple months and ready for some changes.

2015- Baby #5- Moses David!!  We've been through a roller coaster of experiences and emotions in his adoption journey and now he is finally home where he belongs.  Plus, we're building a house and Scotty starts his long-awaited job at Highlands.  So much excitement!  So much stress!  It's been a full year.

What will the next 10 bring?

In the trenches.

I'm sitting on my bed with coffee and dark chocolate and a candle burning.  It's cold outside and cloudy today.  The wind cuts right through your clothes and makes it impossible to be warm.  Sounds cozy in here, right?  Don't let me fool you- I also have a very sick little boy glaring at me with half-closed sick eyes and whimpering faintly because he's almost totally hoarse.  He was burning up with a fever last night and crying continually.  All.  Night.  Long.  I don't think I've ever gotten so little sleep...even in those crazy high school lock-ins at church (remember those?).  Scotty and Natty started school yesterday and my parents left in the wee hours of the morning and I thought I would have this lovely week of getting Moses back onto a decent sleep schedule at night, start going to the gym and generally have perfect control over my circumstances.  Ha!  I don't think the Lord sits up in heaven smirking down on us with a sarcastic grin, but He must wonder why we learn so very slowly.  So, I'm still in the depth of the trenches and wondering if I should try to get this very sad little boy a a doctor (except his pediatrician doesn't work today) and asking myself if life will ever be normal again.  Here's to chocolate and a moment to blog.  Small victories.

Full.

This is the quietest moment I can remember having lately.  I can't actually remember having a quiet moment in the last few months.  There are so many things I want to do.  Sleep.  Read.  Take a walk.  Cook something healthy and yummy.  Clean my ever-messy house! (I don't really want to do this one but wish it would happen magically).  So, I'm blogging instead.  Somehow blogging makes me feel satisfied and helps me to process where I am right now.  It might be quick and it will have no pictures, but I will be able to type out all that has been going on and feel a little lighter by the end.

My parents are here!  They came 2 1/2 weeks ago and leave on Tuesday.  We've mostly stayed around the house and found that cooking for 6, cleaning up after 6 and playing with small children can occupy an entire day.  Mom has helped me organize and graciously washed all our dishes.  Dad has been helping Scotty with projects and entertaining Moses, who is crawling!  Mo has responded well to their visit, although he has regressed at night.  Boo.  This could be due to just about anything and I am learning to roll with it.  The girls have LOVED playing ponies and animals and just about anything with their grandparents and we take daily walks over to the land to see progression on the house.  How lovely it will be to host people when we have a larger home!!  You're all invited.  :)

Scotty has had the last week at Highlands doing school prep and orientation!  During this last year of transition, there have been a few moments when I've thought- when is it going to end?  The date for school to start and Scotty to begin working officially seemed to hover so far off into the misty future.  But, as always happens, it got here!  He's been so busy trying to keep up with house build stuff and getting to know his way around a new community and job.  He's so happy and I love that.  We know it will be a huge transition for our family (another one- yay!), but we also know it will be so healthy for all of us.  I love that he will be on campus with Natty and eventually with the other two.  I love that he already has some really good guy friends among the staff...something he hasn't had and really needed for a while now.  I love how it is challenging him to live with excellence and integrity in his work, something that is so important to him, in order to honor Christ and draw others to Him.  It's going to be so good.  And maybe a bit challenging.

I feel like I've lived in this apartment cave for the last few months.  Adding a third child, and one who is essentially special needs, is a lot of work.  I've come up for air a few times and been able to go out with some girl friends or to a Bible study, thanks to Scotty hanging out with all three, but it's been intense.  However, I feel strongly that this is God's call on us as a family, and me in particular as a mom.  He has sustained us and will continue to do so.  I'm hoping with the start of school, Natty and Scotty out of the house, and just the three of us here, I can get into a routine.  I like routine.  A lot.  I miss time and energy to read, to work out, just to think.  But, that will come.  Right now- my baby is sitting in his crib screaming and trying to get my attention, so we will hold off on more thoughts for now.  Thanks for sticking with us.

Life rolls on...

Moses has these incredibly dark, brown eyes.  I've only managed to find his pupils once, with the light shining in just the right way to help me distinguish them from the shiny, almost-black liquid all around.  Today I noticed I can see my whole head reflected in his iris while I feed him his bottle and he gazes up at me.  I pray that the face peering down at him is the one he is beginning to associate with love, with care, with fun, with Mommy. The feeling he's never had and will never develop in the "normal" way.  But, I pray as he takes in my face, he will know that he can trust me, that he won't be alone anymore.  You have to wonder what goes on in their minds.  Does he still remember the orphanage?  If we went back, would he get excited to see his previous care-givers, his little "friends"?  Would it scare him?

He's doing a little better at night, although we usually have a couple good nights and then things go downhill for a week or so.  I'm pretty sure he's teething and that is throwing off eating and sleeping.  But, we are much more functional than we were a month ago, praise God!  He's growing, too, and getting so heavy I'm not sure how much longer I can safely bend over and lift him out of his crib without causing back problems.  Scotty and I both noted that he hardly feels lighter than Jubilee at this point!  Although he doesn't make any typical pre-verbal noises, he loves to make kiss sounds and blow raspberries and is definitely making forward movement on his tummy.  He sat through his second church service yesterday with success and we even let a couple people hold him.  All of that might have played into the rougher night we had last night.  But, I suppose at some point you have to try to live a more regular life-style again.  I still haven't made it back to the gym and I wonder when that beloved routine will return.  At first, it was out of exhaustion that I wasn't going, now I think it's just because I've lost the habit (and my old gym closed).  In another couple of weeks, Scotty will begin teaching and our routine will go through another major switch that we'll need to adjust to as a family.  It might sound funny to most, but I can hardly imagine our lives being dictated by the 9-5!  We've had such flexibility in these hard and wonderful 9 years as church workers and I will miss that, somewhat.  But, I know the structure will also be a great thing for Scotty and me.

My parents come on Wednesday!  Shhhh...it's a surprise for the girls.  They're going to freak out!  We're so excited to have them here, to introduce Moses to one set of grandparents, to show them our half-finished house and just to enjoy hanging out after more than a year of being apart.

What's new, you say?

Well, after my last post, we had a couple really great nights with Moses and then a week of horrible nights.  I was about to lose hope that he'd ever real sleep and get on a "normal" schedule.  It's amazing how lack of sleep can affect you so deeply and make everything seem harder, sadder, darker.  Last night, he actually slept half-way decently and we woke up feeling that old flame of hope rekindled that we might eventually get into a good rhythm.  Of course, one night is just one night, but at this point, every victory is huge!  We know from others' experiences and all the literature and studies on adoption that sleep issues can last for years, but when everyone around you is assuming that Moses should be adjusted now and sleeping wonderfully, you start to wonder why it's not happening that way.  I have to remind myself that we're the first people a lot of our friends have known that have adopted a child and I need to be gracious with them as I help them understand the realities of what our little man has been through and how it affects him now.

It's funny how this little person that I've only known for a couple months feels so much like a part of our family.  I find that I hardly ever think about the fact that he's adopted and not straight from my own body.  In fact, it's a bit strange for me to recognize that he was incubated in some other woman's body, birthed by her, and then left.  Wow!  I suppose to be constantly aware of that fact would be a bit overwhelming.  I'm just so glad that the girls love him like they do.  We're still itching to take him out more, but find that each excursion anywhere that boasts of much stimulation (which is pretty much anywhere outside of our house or neighborhood), keeps him awake and stressed at night.  The poor baby starts and jumps and yells and generally looks scared.  I hate to do that to him.  So, I guess the Lord knew that school vacation would be just the time for him to come home, so that no one would need to go anywhere in particular.

I love how most people don't yet comment on the fact that he looks nothing like us.  Most strangers coo at Moses like any other baby and ask how old he is and say how cute he is.  One shopkeeper looked at him and looked at Jubilee and said, "Isn't it so interesting how they can come out so differently??".  Yes, it is interesting.

So, here's some little peeps into who this Moses Miser is.  He loves to get the attention of strangers when we are out, generally by grunting loudly at them until they turn his way.  Then he immediately breaks out the wide-mouth grin and babbles incoherently at them.  He's very friendly.  He happily lets Natty cart him all over the house without complaining and will sit contently on a blanket with toys spread about and entertain himself for a while.  He's starting to get the itch to move a lot more and we'll find him changed from a seated position to on his tummy, swiveling from side to side to find new things to suck on.  He always greats us with a smile after a nasty night of not sleeping.  He eats everything I put in front of him, even if it has chard or lentils in it.  However, I do struggle to get enough formula in.  He's incredibly observant and loves to be tossed in the air by Daddy.  That's our little boy!  Tomorrow we'll have our final hearing that will make this whole thing official.  Praise God!

The ugly truth.

So, there are two reasons why I haven't blogged much since Moses came home.  One, we have another child in this house who is a baby and who I feel I can never be apart from for more than 5 seconds because then he won't attach to us and trust us.  That takes time and energy, of which I have very little because we aren't sleeping.  Two, I feel a little bad that after all the praying, hoping, desperation, whining and longing- things are tougher than I expected them to be.  I'd like to write that it's all rainbows and unicorns.  I'd like to gush about how all our pain and tears and suffering has culminated in this magical formation of a perfect family.  However, I'm just barely making it through each day and managing to take care of my kids, maybe organize the house a teeny bit and attempting (and often failing) to be patient and loving.  What I can say is that Moses is a beautiful part of our family.  We all love him and enjoy passing our days together.  However, he becomes a very different baby at night.  As is very common with adopted kids, night is hard.  He eats 4-6 times a night.  He wakes up between those meals and cries for inexplicable reasons and takes anywhere from 5-60 minutes to get back to sleep.  Although we'll have one night a week that is slightly less tortuous than the others, it's not getting better yet.  I think this is normal.  I know it won't be like this forever.  I try to think back to when the girls were infants and there were weeks and even months that I thought I would struggle through forever and never have a "normal" life again.  It wasn't true.  I did get to sleep through the night again.  I got back to the gym and was able to take care of myself.  I had a regular time in the day to find quiet and read my Bible.  That just isn't now.  There are many days I sink in the mire of my own self-pity or fear that we're in over our heads and I was encouraged today by this quote that talks about believing what is true and letting it shape your emotional response:

Some will say, "Well, that doesn't work for me.  When I hear truth, it doesn't have an emotional effect on me.  It doesn't take away my anxiety".....If the Bible's arguments are not having an effect on you, it's because you have little faith in what it says.  Faith is massively important here.  We must trust.  We must believe what Jesus says.  (John Piper)

So, I will ask the Lord again for more faith and know that as I ponder what is true, it will help me push on through what is inevitably a phase that will pass.  One day I will have the mental faculties to see what He has done and be amazed.  I will marvel more often at our new son and not panic when I hear his cry at night.  I will wax eloquently about this marvelous thing called adoption.  For now, know that we are grateful and we are heavily dependent on our awesome God.  And very sleepy.

It happened.

Where do I start?  Life has certainly changed with Moses a daily part of it.  It's almost like having a newborn again, since we are still trying to learn his signals, his desires, his communication.  He wakes up quite a bit at night to drink milk every 3 hours.  Between bottles, he wakes up in a fair amount of tummy pain, as his body needs to adjust to our brand of formula.  Nights are hard, but he makes up for it in the day with his good naps and sweet attitude.  He takes in the world around him, especially his crazy big sisters, and rarely has a negative word.  God really knew who would be a perfect fit for our family!  We're laying low, mostly around the house, for the time being- following the good advice of professionals and other adoptive parents to keep things chill in order for all of us to get good and attached to each other.  Between making bottles, feeding, changing diapers and putting down for naps (not to mention what the older girls need), I hardly feel like I could do much else right now.

So, it's a bit surreal that we've finally arrived at this point.  I can't tell you how many times it seemed as though it would NEVER happen.  I'm so glad that is all behind us.  I am grateful that the girls, especially Natty, really enjoy him.  I am grateful that he feels like a part of us- the thought that he was incubated and birthed by another woman is hard to imagine.  I am grateful he seems to be totally comfortable with us.  I am super grateful that Scotty can stick around more than normal to give me a hand and make bottles and read stories to the girls.  He an amazing father and husband.  So, we're a family of 5 now!  I look forward to us growing even more as Moses becomes a deeper part of who we are.

Bricks and disappointment.

Scotty and I decided to take a morning off from visiting Moses in order to check out some brick we might use for our house.  We took Jubi along and drove up to El Alto after dropping Natty off at school.  We picked up a guy who is working for us on the house so he could direct us where to go and then weaved around the mostly dirt roads, heavily-laden with cargo trucks, trying to find the brick factory.  When I say "brick factory", I mean a place out in the middle of nowhere that is usually set on the edge or side of some mountain and has a large brick oven and a few hard-working men and women.  The finished and unfinished bricks lie around in mountains by the sides of the road, waiting to be hauled away or cooked.  This has been my experience with brick factory here.  This was no exception and as we drove down the bumpy dirt road, we were impressed by the view from this 13,000 ft. plateau, surrounded by 360 degrees of Andean, snow-capped mountains.  After chatting with a guy who swore he could make the type of brick we were looking for, we meandered back more or less the way we came, trying a few different back roads to see if they'd get us to where we needed to go.  One of these roads had a wall with a clearly painted message stating, "Suspicious cars will be burned." and "Thieves will be burned alive."  Yes, this happens.  After these lovely warnings, I get a phone call from my lawyer.  I've been anxiously trying to get in touch with her but my calls and messages were being ignored.  She told me what I partly suspected, that we won't be able to get a hearing this week.  The rest of the trip back home, I rode in silence.  It's physically and mentally exhausting to be let down so many times.  I want so badly to take that kind of news in stride, but I also want so badly for our son to come home.  Those two desires war within me and I'm afraid for a little while, the second wins out and I am in despair.  More quickly than before, I am able to feel peace again and so I know all of the trials of this journey have not been in vain.  Surely God is refining me and obviously there is more yuck to burn away in my soul.  I'm glad that we are able to be with Moses, even though it's in the orphanage.  For so many months now, I've had mental deadlines- like, by the time this happens, we'll have Moses home with us.  When that date or event goes by, I set a new deadline.  I've lost track of how many times I've reset my mental schedule.  I hope that next week will prove to be the real schedule and that crib set up in the corner of my room won't be empty any longer.

Happy Mother's Day to me!

Yesterday, I asked the director of the orphanage if she would have mercy on us and let us take Moses home for a day since we are stuck there for another week.  We agreed overnight might be too big of a change for him when he'll have to go back to the orphanage before we get him for good.  So, we all jumped in the car this morning and got there just in time with him wrapped up in a thick blanket and baby-sized sleeping bag with a knit hat on (I had on a tank top and light hoodie jacket if you want to know how cold it really was) and ready to go!  They sent us home with their own food and his formula and bottle and we were off!

First car trip!  Going home...temporarily.

He was quiet, as usual, in the car and eventually drifted off for most of the ride home.  When we got here, we decided just to let him keep sleeping- I knew that his whole schedule would probably be thrown out of whack and was ready to try to roll with that.  Poor Jubilee was feeling crummy and didn't want me out of her sight.  It was a bit of a challenge to have her running a fever and wanting me to be with her, while we also tried to introduce Moses to his new home.  After waking up, we gave him the tour and he set off playing right away.  I was nervous he would be scared and cry, but I'm getting the impression that he really does have a laid-back nature, which is great!  He ate his mid-day meal without fussing and then had his bottle and actually fell right to sleep in his crib!

I never get to bottle feed him since he goes to sleep in his crib with his bottle.  

Cat nap.

 I was thinking, wow!  Perfect!  Then, he was up about 15 minutes later and would not go back to sleep for anything.  He usually naps for 3 hours mid-day in the orphanage so I knew this wasn't good.  We played with him for about an hour before I strapped him into his carrier and he fell asleep on me for close to 2 hours.  It was sweet and I tried not to feel bad about not doing anything but mostly sitting around all that time.  The rest of the day went as smoothly as to be hoped for and he even took a half hour or so nap in his crib later- going in awake and falling asleep on his own after chewing on a tag for a while.  He seemed happy here, interested in the girls and it felt amazing to have him in our home.  As night fell (he was supposed to be back around 7), we were all sad that we had to take him back.  It was just right for him to be here!  But, we bundled him up and he made it back just in time for playtime until bed at 9.  I told the head caretaker that she needed to let us have him again one day this week and she made it sound like we could take him home as much as we wanted!  Shhhhh...don't tell my lawyer.  ;)  Hooray!!  I'm hoping this will ease him into our home and not be overwhelming to spend the day with us and the night with them.  I have to say, he was pretty happy to see his caretakers at the orphanage when we got back.  That's a great sign, but I was a teeny bit jealous.  What a great mother's day gift!

Day 4.

Today was Day #4 with Moses.  I think he's recognizing me and even bounced a little in his walker when I came in yesterday. Although we're still pleased with the orphanage, the realities of taking care of so many babies with so few people is becoming more apparent.  The littlest ones spend a lot of time just laying in their cribs.  Hence, the very flat head Moses has in the back.  Crying is often ignored or a bottle is tied to the crib sides and balanced in the mouth of the baby to quiet it.  I wonder how long it will take for us to break that habit.  After arriving today, I walked into the crib room and heard a baby incessantly crying while I looked at all the walkers for Moses.  Then I went over to his crib and realized he was the crier.  He had gotten himself wedged between the side of the crib and the mattress and there was no one around to relieve him.  These aren't huge things, but I know months of only getting the most basic needs met (except for love, the most important) takes its toll on a baby.  I'm anxious to get him out and get him home.  Our lawyer was supposed to talk with the secretary to make a date for our next hearing where he'll be released to come home, but I haven't heard from her.  This usually means no news.

Scotty, Jubilee and I went up this morning for an hour and a half to play with baby Moses.  I usually strap him into the baby carrier for a bit, which signals sleep-time in his mind.  When I see the eyes drooping, I get him out so as not to throw off the orphanage schedule.  They have meal/bottle time planned for right before nap so every feeding is a game to see who wins- Moses, falling asleep before eating or me, pouring food down his throat as fast as possible.  I feel so bad for him as I continually try to rouse him to eat while his eyes are rolling into the back of his head. Is it always this way or are we particularly exhausting to him?  I asked the director this morning if I could take him out of the orphanage for a walk this afternoon, fulling expecting her to say "no".  But, she said that was fine and so we ventured out for the first time.  He was either mesmerized or terrorized by the cars and then fell asleep directly.  It felt good to have him in a more regular environment and I tried to imagine having the freedom to do that whenever I want.  For now, we are just trying to balance his twice daily visits which eat up the majority of the day, while also dealing with the girls and other things that need to get done.  I'm still amazed that it's all finally happening and can't wait till we can bring him home!

Whirlwind.

Ok, I'll try to catch everyone up on the details without being too wordy.  Our hearing was confirmed a day or so before we were going to have it and up until the point that we walked into the judge's office, I was still slightly doubtful that it would actually happen.  I guess when you've gotten your hopes up so many times, it's hard to believe anymore.  We had an agonizing 45 minute wait for our turn and Scotty and I were feeling pretty nervous about the whole thing.  The lawyer had given us a brief prep, but when they finally called us in, I was fairly intimidated by how serious everyone looked and wondered whether or not I was supposed to make the rounds to do the traditional hand shake/cheek kiss to all these lawyers and social workers.  The judge hardly looked up when we walked in and probably didn't make eye contact with me until I deliberately walked over when we were done and shook her hand with tears in my eyes and a big, "thank you!"  I chose to sit down and saw that my own lawyer followed suit, which made me feel better.  Then, we proceeded to listen to everyone in the room walk through the motions with varying levels of mumbling and disinterest.  However, it felt really good to hear each representative of the various public sectors involved express their approval of us and our desire to adopt Moses.  And so, within about 7 minutes, we were officially assigned this baby we'd been praying and hoping for for so long.  I couldn't help crying a little as we left the office and knew we were on our way to meet our son!  It felt good to walk up to the orphanage like we had so many times before, but now have permission to go inside.  The building itself is old and ornate and the grounds are full of grass and gardens of flowers.  They led us to a large room with pink carpet and a stage in the back and we sat down on old but well-kept couches to await our boy.  I wasn't too nervous at this point- more curious about my own reaction.  Sister Maria, the head of the baby ward, walked him in and he looked pretty different from the picture we had from the newspaper.  She handed him over to me directly and although he wasn't smiling, he didn't seem particularly scared either.  He watched the girls with some interest and I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that this is my son while the social worker gave us a brief run-down of what the next few days would look like.  In the hearing, we were informed that we needed to spend at least 3 full, straight days with him for a time of observation before he could come home with us.  Another few days of paperwork after that and a hearing for the judge to give us the final release.  Jubilee was immediately interested in playing with him, while Natty sat back and made a sour face.  So, then we started our tour of the facilities, Moses riding my hip and saying nothing.  We were impressed with the bright colors, the kids decorations, the stuffed animals, the cozy cribs with each child's name, the organization of meal times, washing up, diaper changes, the friendly staff, the sunshine in most of the spaces and most of all, how much the woman in charge seemed to care for the kids.  All those who can hold up their head and body spend most of their waking hours in walkers-either dragging themselves around, being dragged around by older, walking children, or rolled by the caretakers.  18 is just too many to hold when there's only 3 in charge (or sometimes less, depending on the time of day).  I have to say, the first afternoon with him felt strange and I just kept thinking, I can't believe this day has finally come.  And, as I also expected, it was hard to imagine that this little boy in my arms was my child.  However, the first full day with him had me pretty attached and today, my second full day, he already feels so familiar and I love him more than I could have imagined I could so quickly.  It's tiring to be in an environment like an orphanage when you're trying to get to know your child and I quickly weary of trying to find things for us to do together.  But, I hate to leave him in the afternoon and know he'll have another night sleeping without us.  And, I can't wait to see him in the morning!  Well, there's more details but I think I've already failed to not be very wordy.  Maybe I'll save those for another post.  We're hoping he'll be released next Wednesday or Thursday and are praying to that end.  Hooray for Moses David!!  Thank you, Lord.

Is this it??

It's the moment we've all been waiting for.  Our hearing!  Thursday afternoon, Lord-willing, we'll be meeting with the judge and will officially be assigned our baby boy.  I have no idea what that might look like- does she (the judge) ask us questions about why we want to adopt, what it means to parent an adopted child, etc...? I'm assuming there won't be any hang-ups there.  After the meeting, we will (hopefully) go the orphanage to meet our little guy!  Even though our hearing has been confirmed, there have been so many disappointments and unexpected interruptions that I'm having a hard time believing that it's really going to happen.  I initially felt elation, relief and a little nervousness and now I just feel like I'm waiting for the bubble to pop.  But, I'm going to try to prepare, to celebrate, to believe our moment has come and then really go crazy once we have him in our arms.  Thanks for praying.  We can't wait to plaster some pics of our new son all over cyber space and introduce you all.

Crushed.

It's hard to put into words all that I'm feeling right now.  I mostly feel emotionally and physically spent...a bit fuzzy and incoherent.  We had a tentative date with the judge set up for Friday, which means we would have met our son that day.  His paperwork has been done for almost 2 weeks now and we are just waiting for the judge to give us the appointment to officially accept him.  After spending all week hoping it was going to work, but trying to not get too excited, our lawyer called yesterday to tell us we weren't going to be able to do it this week.  It was a blow- another one.  I can't say that the excitement and anticipation followed by crushing disappointment gets any easier.  If anything, I find myself getting more distrusting, more angry, more hopeless as time goes on.  And then, I feel guilty for that.  As though I've forgotten that the Lord continues to be in control.  Proverbs tells us, "hope deferred makes the heart sick."  I have lived this verse for too many months to count and although the Lord continues to pick me up and give me hope again, my heart has been sicker than I know how to deal with.  I just don't feel like I have the strength to keep going.

In all this, I know God is at work.  Mostly in me.  I know He's doing something in the adoption process as well, but I think the main work is in my heart.  I was reminded this morning of the beating and crushing Jesus Christ took on the day He was crucified.  I remember the scripture saying He was perfected through suffering.  My soul feels like it's being flogged and I know through that I am being perfected as well.  I am learning to submit my will to God's perfect will.  My flesh is fighting it and I think that's why it hurts so much.  But I have hope that I will come out on the other side looking a little more like Jesus.  And, hopefully with a baby, too.

One step forward!

The lawyer called me (maybe the first time she's ever initiated contact) on Thursday as we were driving home from here:

Hot springs.  Don't be jealous.

And she wanted to know if we could come in to sign a document on Monday morning.  I just thought, "Wow!  She called me!"  Signal was bad, so I called her back that evening and she informed us that our baby's paperwork has finally been finished!  BEFORE she said it would!  Again, wow!  I can't believe something actually happened before they thought it might, not several months after.  We were very happy, to say the least.

So, Jubilee and I hop in a cab after dropping Natty off at school this morning:

In the taxi.  Jubilee loves public transportation.


And we take off to try to make it to the judge's office in morning rush hour.  A wild drive all around the city deposits us there before the lawyer:

Selfie: Waiting for lawyer.

So, we wait.  We're getting good at this.  Then the lawyer comes, we drop off our papers requesting a court date, they get stamped and we leave.  I ask the lawyer what happens next.  She explains some procedure that I understand about 25% of and come away with the general idea that we do some more waiting until they assign us a date.  However, I think that once we have our date with the judge, we get assigned our baby and can go see him almost immediately!  So, the lawyer is saying we should have a date by next week!  Woohoo!  I'm still not totally letting myself get excited yet, because we've run into so many delays that it's hard to believe it will come to an end "this quickly".  But, I think we are getting very close.  I am very thankful!

One step forward, two steps back.

It's cold and dreary today.  Matches my mood.  We thought we were there- one step away.  AGAIN.  She said just this one meeting with the judge needed to happen before we could have our chance to be assigned our little boy and finally meet him.  I made myself wait almost a week after that supposed meeting before I called the lawyer (who had chosen not to reply to my text from the day before).  Worst case scenario, she's heard nothing, I thought.  What I didn't expect was for her to say that the date for the meeting had to be changed and had actually just happened the day before.  Also, there was a document from the orphanage missing and there would need to be another meeting with the judge...which had not yet been planned.  She said she's spoken with the social worker at the orphanage who assured her she would hurry it up.  This is what she said the last time, and it took 3 months.  So, again, there is no end in sight.  What a blow.

I woke up this morning feeling heavy.  Sad.  I made a list of things I needed to do and took my sweet Jubilee out to run errands and work on projects.  I thought constantly of our baby, our situation, another set-back, how this will affect our plans and hopes.  It feels like it might never come to an end.  I know the Lord has a purpose in this.  I know it is good and right and loving.  But, why does it have to be so hard?  Why do we have to wait, again?  Why do we need yet another reminder that we're out of control and powerless?  I'm reading Joshua and seeing the way the Lord is empowering His people to wipe out every man, woman and child who stands in the way of them occupying this promised land.  He even "heeds the voice of a man" at one point and stops the sun for about a day so they can finish up killing another lot of people.  I know that the miracle we need is not so great at this (maybe just a tiny bit smaller, though).  I know He is for us, as He was for Israel.  I keep hoping for the miracle that I'm not seeing.

So, we shift our expectations again.  Maybe he'll be closer to a year old than we were thinking.  Maybe we won't be able to take our trip home this summer for NICS training.  Who knows at this point?

Good news.

 Meet baby David.  Lord-willing, this is our son.  This is the announcement that was recently put in the paper to see if anyone from his family would recognize him and want to claim him.  No one did, so on the 18th of this month, he'll be declared available for adoption by a judge.  If all goes well, a couple weeks after that, he'll be assigned to us.  There are a lot of "what-ifs" still and we don't have legal claim to him, can't meet him, and aren't really sure if things will move as fast as they "should".  But, it's a step in the right direction and we are trusting the Lord that this is our boy.  It's hard for me to not feel like I can really get excited about him coming soon, cause he may not.  I want to buy baby clothes (he'll be 6 months old soon), but can't hold too tightly to the idea that he'll will come to us in the next month.  I'd love to get out some toys and have them ready for him, but what if he doesn't come?  Certainly, we have been through the emotional roller-coaster and the ride isn't over yet.

 Here is where our little guy is living right now.  We've never been behind the walls of this orphanage, and even though I daydream about what it might be like to walk through that door and see our baby face-to-face, I have to wait a little longer.

Here is the revolving box that faces the street where baby David was probably dropped off by his biological mother.  It swivels toward the inside of the orphanage so the workers can hear the baby crying and come fetch him.  Hard to imagine dropping off my child in a box.

Scotty and I walked by this orphanage after eating lunch nearby today.  It was so hard.  I knew my child was behind those walls.  I have a picture of him.  But, I don't have the freedom or right to claim him.  However, I know this process will come to an end.  We will have our son in our arms and in our home and we will be able to move forward as a family.  I don't know why it has stretched on for as long as it has, but I don't doubt that the Lord has been fully in control of it and I know He wants our son to have a family even worse than we do.  So, we will continue to pray for patience and maybe in a few weeks, you'll see that cute little face next to ours.  Will you pray with us?

P.S. David is the name he was given in the orphanage- it is a name chosen at random.  Stayed tuned for his Miser name. :)

No news is bad news.

Our neighbors across the street hang balloons and streamers as part of the asking of blessing from the earth goddess.

As I type, I am hearing raucous sound outside in all directions.  One home somewhere in the neighborhood is playing slightly off-key, traditional Andean music.  Another home has just lit firecrackers and some other family seems to be trying to out-do them with the popping and cracking.  It's carnaval.  Today is the big day to try to bring a blessing from the Pachamama on your home and business by tying balloons on your outside walls, hanging streamers, splashing the ground with alcohol and lighting fire crackers.  This is day #4 of drinking for a lot of people (at least).  It's not the godliest of holidays, but we are grateful for 4 days of fun as a family.  Lately, when we have some free time on the weekends, we've taken to heading over to the land for a family "work" day.  I usually pull weeds around Zion's grave, which are springing up overnight with all the rain.  Scotty works on any number of little projects he has going and the girls play inside the dusty little brick room where we are slowly gathering materials for the new house, watering plants, digging, looking for rocks, etc...  We did that on Saturday, had an all-day game day after church on Sunday, drove into the countryside with our pastor and his family on Monday and will have some friends over for dinner tonight. 

A little piece of countryside where we had a picnic with friends.

I've loved watching the girls get into the water and foam play that is usual with carnaval.  Friday, Natty had a half-day of water games and competitions at school.  On Saturday, she got into a water fight with our elderly neighbor downstairs (hilarious!) and then her and Jubilee found some time to spray foam at each other and make a total mess of themselves. 

The unfortunate part of this big holiday is that everything shuts down for a while.  I prayed we might have some news about our boy before carnaval started, but the lawyer only confirmed what we are starting to expect- nothing new has happened.  Scotty's coined a phrase for this process that is the opposite of what we've grown up saying and understanding: "No news is bad news."  She said she'd check again on Thursday, since no one will be back to work until Wednesday...but that only leaves a couple days for something new to happen before the weekend.  Instead of hoping that this will be the week things move forward, I just pray we'll get him before he finishes another month of life.  At the beginning, I prayed he'd come before he turned 3 months.  We're coming up on 5 months now and even though it's probably unlikely we could have him by then, I'm praying.  And then I'll pray that he'll come before 6 months.  At some point, we'll need to sit down with our lawyer and ask what to do as the summer approaches.  We have in our hearts a short trip back to the US to see our parents and participate in a NICS training that's required for new teachers at Highlands and their families, but we can't make any plans till we know more about the adoption.  I'm getting more used to living in uncertainty, but I still don't love it.

She said what??

I had (another) disturbing encounter with one of our neighbors the other day.  It would be very easy to dwell on my thoughts and feelings regarding this conversation, but I think it won't be hard for you to guess how I felt when I'm done.  It all started something like this:

Her:  So, wasn't it in the plan for you guys to have 4 kids one day?
Me:  Oh, I don't know about that.  We are in the process of adopting, though.
Her (resembling how you might look if you just found the other half of a worm in the apple you'd just bitten into):  Why??  Don't you want to have more of your own kids?
Me (not the first time I've heard this):  Oh, he'll be just as much my kid as my two girls are.

From here, I'll just bullet-point the "highlights" regarding her thoughts on adoption:

• you'll end up with an indigenous child and they are inherently dysfunctional, you know
• an adopted child is similar to a stray dog you've found on the street- you might offer it a home, but you'll never be able to love it like the family pet 

When arguing that you have to be prepared for whatever issues your child might have, regardless of them being biological or adopted, her response was:

• but if you're good, you will have loving and healthy kids
• there's an energy that runs through your body and if you are filled predominately by hate, anger or stress, that results in bad kids and cancer
• here, she used the example of the recent news story in La Paz of an 8 month old baby boy who was so badly abused in one of the state-run orphanages that he died: because his parents were alcoholics, was her logic

You can be sure that I rebutted her arguments as calmly as possible with much personal and Biblical ideas, but she was not to be swayed.  This is an "educated" woman we are talking about.  Her husband is a doctor.  Although she expresses herself forcefully, she is, unfortunately, not the exception.  We will have an uphill battle in a culture who still struggles with racism and less-than-loving views on adoption.  My great hope is that God will use us (and the church) to be a living example of what it means to be adopted.  To realize that the truth of the Bible is that we are His adopted children and are co-heirs with Christ.  We, adopted children, have been promised the same inheritance as God's only Son.  I know our baby boy's tragedy can be redeemed.

Does God really love me?

I don't know about you, but as someone who has been a Christian for a while, I've had the truth that God is sovereign adequately drilled into my head.  And, I believe it.  But, sometimes it can be a very rote answer to whatever struggle you might be going through.  Someone might have thrown that out there as a half-hearted encouragement.  You nod politely, but aren't sure how that's supposed to help the pain or confusion or disappointment.  The girls' Bible has helped me get to the root of why this isn't always as comforting as it should be.  It all comes down to the first lie: Does God really love me?  The serpent used this lie to convince Eve that she should, in fact, eat this delicious looking fruit of the tree that the Lord commanded her not to eat from. "Does God really love you?" the serpent whispered.  "If he does, why won't he let you eat the nice, juicy, delicious fruit?  Poor you, perhaps God doesn't want you to be happy." (The Jesus Storybook Bible, written by Sally Lloyd-Jones)  How many times do we want something that looks good, that seems good, that MUST be good for us...but God has chosen something way better?  For Adam and Eve, the alternative to this nice looking fruit was a perfect and beautiful life and connection to their creator and Father.  For me, there is always something, but the big thing right now is our adopted son.  Having him home with us seems like the perfect, good, right thing.  But, do I believe that the Lord loves me and has something even better for me and our family?  I do believe it.  But I still pray: Lord, help my unbelief.

First day of Highlands!

I've had several people recently encourage me to focus on what I do have.  Specifically, the 2 beautiful daughters God has graciously given me.  Sometimes I get very caught up in the daily frustration of no news, no baby, unfulfilled dreams and I forget about pouring into the children right in front of me.  I've really tried to make a mental switch these last few weeks and take advantage of the sweet days we have just me and them.  When I was pregnant with Jubilee and on bed rest, I loved having uninterrupted time with Natty.  I couldn't get up and go anywhere; there were few distractions being mostly immobile.  So I focused most of my energies on just being with her.  That is easy to lose a midst the distractions of life.  Natty just started "real school" today.  She's doing the second half of kindergarten at Highlands International School, and 3 days out of the week, she'll be there till 3pm.  This is a new and exciting change for all of us, and it means seeing less of my little girl.  Kindergarten might not seem like a big deal for some, but it's a signal for me that time is short and kids grow up fast and I want to appreciate my days, whether they're exactly as I might have dreamed them to be or not.

The team is here!

I left the house early in order to pick up our YWAM team and make the trek back up near the airport where we would start our Andean worldview tour with our friend, Andy.  After hiking up a long set of stairs, we hopped on the green line cable cars and made our ascent, about 2000 ft. up, to El Alto.  After checking in with Andy and getting the low-down on the day, we began walking.  I was impressed with how well he knew the city, sometimes forgetting his family used to live up there and still spend quite a bit of time in those parts for work.  Horns were already blaring, even though it was only about 9:30 in the morning and as we entered a large market with very narrow rows, we realized that plenty of people were up and shopping.  Markets are nothing new to me, but I wasn't used to how crammed everything was, including the people.  There were more smells, more stuff, more roots and rocks to trip over.  Andy moved fast- he knew we'd be less of a target for pick-pocketing if we weren't slow.  At one point, me and two other girls got caught behind a long ling of aggressive traffic that was not looking to let any pedestrians through.  We saw a few tall, blond heads bobbing down the row way in front of us, but quickly lost sight of the rest of the group.  We decided to keep moving forward, figuring we'd come upon them before long.  At the end of that row, we ran up against a road teeming with people and public transport vehicles, but no one we recognized.  There was some tension as we decided to navigate back into the chaos, but we prayed and eventually met back up.  After passing through the witches market, explaining sacrifices to the Pachamama and learning how to stuff and chew coca leaves, we ended the sketchiest bit of our tour by passing by the shaman's stalls with their sacrificial fires burning.  Somewhat wierded out at first, before the end I felt joy that we were a group carrying the Spirit of the living God within us- light in a very dark place.  We took some time to tour through the massive, general cemetery (all above ground, mausoleum-style), do some more urban hiking through a large market in the city of La Paz and ended our quest at a fancy coffee shop in the rich south zone.

General cemetery

I was impressed with what we saw, realizing anew how accustomed I am to my own life-style and how I can fairly easily tune out the poverty that mostly characterizes the nation I live in.  God challenged me again to seek ways to live more sacrificially, more generously, toward those who are in need.

Team praying for the Highlands International School and our church, IBM.

Hanging out, drinking coffee, eating the gingerbread house.

These 8 young people, with my long-time friend as their leader, have been such a blessing!  They are willing, servant-hearted, laid-back, fun and in love with the Lord.  We've really enjoyed getting to know them and are being re-inspired through their enthusiasm about what the Lord is up to here.  They've participated in several different ministries and will head off on Monday to Cochabamba to see what God's doing there and join up with that.  2 of them even stayed with the girls overnight so we could have some time away!  We are so grateful they came.

Christmas dinner!