Crushed.

It's hard to put into words all that I'm feeling right now.  I mostly feel emotionally and physically spent...a bit fuzzy and incoherent.  We had a tentative date with the judge set up for Friday, which means we would have met our son that day.  His paperwork has been done for almost 2 weeks now and we are just waiting for the judge to give us the appointment to officially accept him.  After spending all week hoping it was going to work, but trying to not get too excited, our lawyer called yesterday to tell us we weren't going to be able to do it this week.  It was a blow- another one.  I can't say that the excitement and anticipation followed by crushing disappointment gets any easier.  If anything, I find myself getting more distrusting, more angry, more hopeless as time goes on.  And then, I feel guilty for that.  As though I've forgotten that the Lord continues to be in control.  Proverbs tells us, "hope deferred makes the heart sick."  I have lived this verse for too many months to count and although the Lord continues to pick me up and give me hope again, my heart has been sicker than I know how to deal with.  I just don't feel like I have the strength to keep going.

In all this, I know God is at work.  Mostly in me.  I know He's doing something in the adoption process as well, but I think the main work is in my heart.  I was reminded this morning of the beating and crushing Jesus Christ took on the day He was crucified.  I remember the scripture saying He was perfected through suffering.  My soul feels like it's being flogged and I know through that I am being perfected as well.  I am learning to submit my will to God's perfect will.  My flesh is fighting it and I think that's why it hurts so much.  But I have hope that I will come out on the other side looking a little more like Jesus.  And, hopefully with a baby, too.