The ugly truth.

So, there are two reasons why I haven't blogged much since Moses came home.  One, we have another child in this house who is a baby and who I feel I can never be apart from for more than 5 seconds because then he won't attach to us and trust us.  That takes time and energy, of which I have very little because we aren't sleeping.  Two, I feel a little bad that after all the praying, hoping, desperation, whining and longing- things are tougher than I expected them to be.  I'd like to write that it's all rainbows and unicorns.  I'd like to gush about how all our pain and tears and suffering has culminated in this magical formation of a perfect family.  However, I'm just barely making it through each day and managing to take care of my kids, maybe organize the house a teeny bit and attempting (and often failing) to be patient and loving.  What I can say is that Moses is a beautiful part of our family.  We all love him and enjoy passing our days together.  However, he becomes a very different baby at night.  As is very common with adopted kids, night is hard.  He eats 4-6 times a night.  He wakes up between those meals and cries for inexplicable reasons and takes anywhere from 5-60 minutes to get back to sleep.  Although we'll have one night a week that is slightly less tortuous than the others, it's not getting better yet.  I think this is normal.  I know it won't be like this forever.  I try to think back to when the girls were infants and there were weeks and even months that I thought I would struggle through forever and never have a "normal" life again.  It wasn't true.  I did get to sleep through the night again.  I got back to the gym and was able to take care of myself.  I had a regular time in the day to find quiet and read my Bible.  That just isn't now.  There are many days I sink in the mire of my own self-pity or fear that we're in over our heads and I was encouraged today by this quote that talks about believing what is true and letting it shape your emotional response:

Some will say, "Well, that doesn't work for me.  When I hear truth, it doesn't have an emotional effect on me.  It doesn't take away my anxiety".....If the Bible's arguments are not having an effect on you, it's because you have little faith in what it says.  Faith is massively important here.  We must trust.  We must believe what Jesus says.  (John Piper)

So, I will ask the Lord again for more faith and know that as I ponder what is true, it will help me push on through what is inevitably a phase that will pass.  One day I will have the mental faculties to see what He has done and be amazed.  I will marvel more often at our new son and not panic when I hear his cry at night.  I will wax eloquently about this marvelous thing called adoption.  For now, know that we are grateful and we are heavily dependent on our awesome God.  And very sleepy.