Here we are today at SIM Thanksgiving. We celebrated on Friday instead of Thursday and enjoyed the usual spread and all ate more than we should have. These were hard days. So hard. You'd think from the picture all was well... It's strange to go through a holiday that is so family oriented and feel like a part of your family was gone and that they'd never be there to celebrate with you. It's very hard to think of something you are thankful for this year when all you can think about is how very much God has asked you to sacrifice and let go of. It's very hard to pretend like everything is OK. I'm sure no one knows if you want to talk about it or even if they should ask for fear of you feeling obligated to answer or to say, "I don't want to talk about it". And maybe I don't all the time. But, I still feel like I'm not capable of participating in normal activities without starting to feel at some point that Zion is the elephant in the room. The thing that everyone knows is there but is gingerly walking around. Some days I feel like he died a long time ago. Lately, it's as if I just said "good-bye" this morning. I had to see my regular doctor today and he saw me, patted his tummy and asked, "how is everything going?" I paused for a moment, trying to decide how to answer him and then tearfully told him what happened. Why does a mother have to explain to an almost stranger that her baby died a couple weeks ago? He was shocked and asked questions that I couldn't answer and made me wonder, for the first time, if Zion would have lived if we were in the US. I've always felt strongly that God has us in Bolivia for a purpose and in the child-bearing years and that, although things aren't as technologically advanced here, this is where we'll have our family. That was before God asked me to give up so much. It feels like too much. I waver between the "what ifs" and the understanding that God is sovereign even with things turn out devastating. Between knowing that circumstances were ordained to include pain and yet He does not enjoy bringing suffering upon us. I know God is refining my faith, but I sure wish it didn't have to come this way.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Kinda Thanksgiving
Here we are today at SIM Thanksgiving. We celebrated on Friday instead of Thursday and enjoyed the usual spread and all ate more than we should have. These were hard days. So hard. You'd think from the picture all was well... It's strange to go through a holiday that is so family oriented and feel like a part of your family was gone and that they'd never be there to celebrate with you. It's very hard to think of something you are thankful for this year when all you can think about is how very much God has asked you to sacrifice and let go of. It's very hard to pretend like everything is OK. I'm sure no one knows if you want to talk about it or even if they should ask for fear of you feeling obligated to answer or to say, "I don't want to talk about it". And maybe I don't all the time. But, I still feel like I'm not capable of participating in normal activities without starting to feel at some point that Zion is the elephant in the room. The thing that everyone knows is there but is gingerly walking around. Some days I feel like he died a long time ago. Lately, it's as if I just said "good-bye" this morning. I had to see my regular doctor today and he saw me, patted his tummy and asked, "how is everything going?" I paused for a moment, trying to decide how to answer him and then tearfully told him what happened. Why does a mother have to explain to an almost stranger that her baby died a couple weeks ago? He was shocked and asked questions that I couldn't answer and made me wonder, for the first time, if Zion would have lived if we were in the US. I've always felt strongly that God has us in Bolivia for a purpose and in the child-bearing years and that, although things aren't as technologically advanced here, this is where we'll have our family. That was before God asked me to give up so much. It feels like too much. I waver between the "what ifs" and the understanding that God is sovereign even with things turn out devastating. Between knowing that circumstances were ordained to include pain and yet He does not enjoy bringing suffering upon us. I know God is refining my faith, but I sure wish it didn't have to come this way.
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5 comments:
Things are so very hard to understand right now, so very difficult to force to make sense. We who love you can only pray that God will reveal His path to you in His time, and give you the strength, comfort, clarity and love necessary to take a step and a day at a time. And, pray we will. Know those surrounding you see your pain, and don't expect more than you can give. Rest, smile when you can, weep when you must. We love you very much.
Dear, dear Lisa,
I haven't lost a baby, but I've felt those exact thoughts... "I wish it didn't have to come this way."
There is an in-between time, when the horrendous grief awash in tears passes but the days of joy are not yet come; when all the hard questions are hanging just below the surface, always there with no solid answers, only fighting to trust.
Hold on, dearheart. The Lord is near. I am fighting with you, in spirit and in prayer, with love.
Lisa, we thought of you often this week, especially as we talked Wednesday evening with our small group. David started the conversation with the thought that we so easily thank God during this season for good things that have happened...for things we've received. He asked us to think of hard things that we can thank God for. A few instances were offered, and then one member spoke up who had lost a sibling. He posed the question with something so difficult as that -- can you ever really come to a place of thanking God that it happened? Or do you just accept that it happened, knowing that God has His purposes?
Of course emotions rushed to the surface for me, thinking of you and thinking of the time that we thought we might lose Cameron.
I don't have any wisdom to offer, just prayers and love.
i wish your refining was not this hard too, Lisa - that this wasn't the fire chosen to "bring you forth like gold". i ache for you this thanksgiving as you struggle with what to be thankful for rather than focusing on the great sacrifice God's required of you. morning will come, and joy with it, and next thanksgiving. until then, we pray and weep with you and love you faithfully.
Dearest Lisa,
I have learned through my job that God is the giver and taker of life, not human beings, and not our technology, Hold on to His plan for you! You have been so faithful, I am amazed and humbled. I am thanking God for you, Scotty and Natalie - serving Him so faithfully with everything you have. You inspire so many of us.
May you have some rest and some peace in the days to come.
Love,
Shelley
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