Beach distraction

I love the beach and sometimes lament the fact that we live at high altitude (read: cold) in a country that is land-locked. When we lost Zion and many people asked us if we would go home or get away, I thought: the beach. So, we looked into going back to the nice, affordable condo on the beach we spent a few days at several months ago. We found great airline tickets and had all the support of the people around us to get away and relax. I wondered if it would be helpful, if I'd really forget all that has happened and be able to enjoy myself. But, I knew that Natty would love it and that we could use some time to focus on our family and not feel the slight guilt of not being involved in life and ministry as we usually are. When we first got there, it was cold. On our previous trip it was cold. I wondered if God just didn't want us to enjoy life. Yes, this was my horrible thought. We sat on the beach in our jackets and Scotty and I were both struck with how off it felt. We were missing a part of our family. As we watched Natty happily digging away in the sand like a little crab, we recognized again how much we wanted Zion to be a part of that. I spent one of the first nights sobbing in Scotty's arms for about an hour or so. Then, things started looking up. The weather got warmer and we were both able to really relax and enjoy each other. Natty found delight in everything. She loved the sand, the water, the washed up jellyfish, the shells, the rocks, the food, the TV with cartoons, the hotel, the old people that had taken over the hotel that week. She would wake up every morning, come out of her room, look through our sliding glass doors that had a beautiful ocean view, put her hands in the air and shout, "THE BEACH!!" She was full of life and that is exactly what I needed. I found myself able to be happy for longer than a couple minutes at a time. Happy hours went by (and not the 2 for 1 beer type) and although I never forgot about my little boy- I was able to enjoy myself. This was truly a gift. Scotty and I slept in- thanks to the lower altitude and lots of hard play on the beach helping Natty sleep later- we read, we ate, we played games, we soaked up the sun. I wasn't ready to leave today and neither was Natty. Usually, at the end of a trip, I know that our time is up and I am ready to get back to my house. I knew the day was drawing near for us to come back to La Paz, but I also knew what awaited me here. Reminders everywhere of Zion. Uncomfortable conversations. My own fear of people not understanding that I am still sad. Being more sad as I return to life as usual without the fun distraction of the beach and a different place. We put up our Christmas tree today. How many people did I ask to pray that Zion would be home by Christmas? How long did I picture our family with a newborn around the Christmas tree? As the bits of tree came out to be put together, my heart began to sink. This is not what I imagined this holiday- just the 3 of us. No pregnancy. No baby. These will be hard days, but I think our time away has given me a chance to breathe, a chance to gird up and begin the fight of faith anew, a chance to be reminded of how much God has given me in my loving husband and wonderful daughter. The holidays will be bittersweet in so many ways but I know that our God is faithful, even when I am not.