Day 18

I feel like we're at a bit of a standstill with Zion. He had several really good days and even though the doctor was giving him tiny bits of milk every 8 hours, he was able to increase it by a ml each day. He wasn't having any new issues and they thought they might take out the big tube that was in his chest to take the extra air out from around his lungs. Then, on Saturday, all that changed. The tube couldn't come out because of some complication I'm not very clear about. And, he started turning very pale and his vital signs all worsened. They couldn't exactly explain to us what happened and even today, two days later, they still are not quite sure what is going on in his body. So, he's taken a step back, a rather big one, and we were hit quite hard by that on Saturday. Thankfully, we had those few days of goodness to steady our emotions and even though the bad news was a shock, it did not send us reeling quite like every little thing did when he was in his first week. However, I'm feeling a bit numb to it all right now. I think all of it is starting to feel like a new "normal"- a normal that is never the same but in it's constant changing, everything and anything is expected. Every morning, I wake up wondering what kind of night Zion had. I pump early, I get ready, we call the doctor, we try to process the news (good, bad, or unchanging), I pump again and I head up to the clinic. I walk into the NICU and as I wash my hands, I wonder what Zion might look like. Will he have tape on his wrists from where they've recently taken a blood sample or will they be uncovered so I can see the big black and blue marks? Will he be on his tummy? Will his body be hard and swollen? Will the doctor be sitting there so I can ask him questions? How will I handle his answers emotionally? After a while, I drive home and spend the rest of the day trying to process this life of having a preemie. It sucks you up and eats you whole. There's not a lot left for anything else. But, God is teaching me to take it one day at a time. If I even begin to think about how long my baby might have to be in there or how little he's advanced in the 18 days since he was born, it is overwhelming and depressing. I try to read Zion scripture every morning, which encourages me, and tell him of the greatness of His God- which maybe is also my way of telling that to myself. I am encouraged each time I hear people say they are praying for him, cause I really believe they are. You know you've all been there when you tell someone, "I'll pray for you", but maybe it doesn't seem like such a big deal to you and you forget. I'm guilty. But, I have seen evidence of the body of believers really praying for my son and my family and I am grateful. So, this is where we are in the journey. God is sustaining our little boy and He is sustaining us...I trust He will till the end.