And now what...?

Today has been particularly hard for me. There have not been as many tears or that sharp kind of grief that is almost suffocating, but it's as if a cloud of sadness has settled around my head and colored everything around me. I find it hard to even think about what we might eat for lunch. I went to get my hair cut today, having decided I wanted a change and I wanted it immediately...maybe I thought if I looked better, I would feel better too. Scotty had several errands to run and the cut didn't take very long, so I decided to get a pedicure while I was in the shop. Usually, having myself pampered would be a treat, but today I found no joy in it. I watched people walk down the street and wondered if any of them had just suffered a tragedy. My hair dresser told me, "tranquila"- basically the Bolivian equivalent of "relax". I've been told that many times by many people. I'm not finding life exactly relaxing at the moment. I thought again about how God lost a son and wondered what He did in those 3 days that Christ was in the tomb. What do you do once your child is gone and the pain is so fresh? How do you fill your days? How do you think of anything or at least not think of nothing? A good friend sent me an email relating the suffering of the Psalmist and how he chose, in the midst of deep pain, to call on the Lord and tell of His love and mercy. Although I'm not sure if the knowledge in my head will translate to my heart today, I still know that my Father is good and that He is love. I still find comfort in knowing that my baby is with Him- if that is the only place I find comfort in this moment.