The aftermath

I've been given permission by many friends to continue to post about our journey of grief. In some ways, I feel that it might be getting old to hear about what we are going through but I can't say I've moved on yet and there really is nothing else going on in my life than working on getting through this. And maybe that's all I want to say in this blog: I am truly surprised by the new challenges that each day brings. I thought that once the intense grief of losing Zion was over, things would start looking up from there. But, I'm realizing that some days, the intense grief comes back. And some days, it's not there- but the reality of his absence and how that affects each day and what I'm doing and what I would have been doing and how he would have played a part in all that- is just as hard. There are so many new emotions I have never experienced and even questions of faith that arise in my mind and heart that I'm not even sure where to start processing or how to put it into words for other people- or for myself. I know that I am struggling more now than I did when Zion was living to really believe and hold tight to the promises that the Lord has given me. There was hope in those promises when he was hanging on, but now that he is gone, that hope is wavering (not in truth, but in my heart). Before I went into the hospital, I had started reading through the Psalms and they were powerful in a new way in my life. When I was on bed rest, they brought comfort and hope and joy. When Zion was in the NICU, I would often read them to him and tell him of His awesome, loving Lord. I finished the book a few days before he died and since then have not found a new place to start reading in the Word. A friend encouraged me to go back to the Psalms and really study the many, many times the faithfulness and the steadfast love of the Lord is mentioned. It is hard to do that because that will remind me so much of his last days and, if I'm honest with myself, because I feel like the hope they gave me that all will be alright did not play itself out. All was not all right. All is not all right. And yet, I know that way of thinking comes from a limited, finite perspective. In the infinite wisdom of the Lord, He chose a way that must be perfect, because we know He is perfect. And so I must believe that this was all right for Zion- this was the best for Him and for me. This is loving. Oh, how I want to feel the love in this decision and not just accept it as a fact...