Day 4: Stage Fright.

When I was young, I used to do everything that was humanly possible to not be the center of attention.  If I was at school, my goal was to get through the day unseen.  I dreaded being called on to answer a question.  I felt physically ill when I had to get up in front of my class to give an oral presentation.  I even pretended I didn't feel well after I got baptized so that I wouldn't have to stand up in front of the church and have everyone come by and shake my hand (I was 17!).

As I got older, I grew in confidence and didn't mind speaking up when I had something to say and was around my friends.  But, if there was a debate to be had or even a problem to look for a solution to, I usually deferred to others to make the decision.  Even now, at almost 40 and much more comfortable in my own skin, I usually stay quiet during our small group Bible studies.

This morning I had a relapse.  We were having a women's group meeting in which we were mainly discussing details about what this semester will look like, how the time will be organized and the different ways we could serve.  Per usual, I was observing, listening, and predominantly without a strong opinion on what was being shared.  At one point, toward the end of our time, a friend of mine said, "Say something!  I want to hear what you think!" Then she stopped the person who was talking, brought everyone's attention to me and said, "I think we should hear what Lisa has to say.  This is a deep woman!"  While I was flattered, I was caught off-guard without anything in particular to add to the discussion and I was embarrassed.  I turned a little red.  Someone thought it would be cute to point that out too.  More embarrassment.  I confessed to the ladies that I really had nothing to share and the leader of the discussion could probably tell I was uncomfortable and assured everyone they would hear from me when it was my turn to teach (you can maybe now imagine how I'm feeling about that!).

I marveled later at how that instinct is still in me to feel so overwhelmed by being put on the spot.  Years ago, I read a super helpful book called Introverts in the Church that helped me put words to what I've felt all my life.  To oversimplify greatly, the evangelical church can tend toward elevating extroverted leaders and undervalue or even misunderstand an introverted persons abilities and spirituality.  One man quoted in the book compares evangelical churches to a "non-alcoholic cocktail party"- meaning there is high value placed on words, sharing, mingling and overt expressions as compared to more contemplative spiritual traditions.  He goes on to say, "To participate in the evangelical church is to join the conversation.  Introverts, however, spare our words in unfamiliar contexts and often prefer to observe on the fringe rather than engage in the center.  Our spirituality may be grounded in Scripture, yet is quieter, slower and more contemplative."  Brain science actually shows that an introverts processing centers take external information on a much longer pathway through various areas of the brain whereas extroverts have a shorter journey.  Hence, me observing and not fully processing what happened until hours later.  I've pushed myself over time to grow in this area, but it will probably always be one of my greatest challenges.

Does anyone else feel this way?