Waiting.

I'm pretty sure I've never met anyone who enjoys the process of waiting for something that they're desperate to have, without an end in sight.  It's not a fun place to be.  So far, in the adoption process, we have waited- for paperwork to get finished, for phone calls, for interviews, for news, for a child.  When we got the call from the lawyer a month and a half ago that there was a baby boy that could be assigned to us,  I knew it would be a while before the plan came to fruition.  But, here we are, one step away from him being officially assigned to us, meeting him and bringing him home, and I'm not feeling so patient anymore.  I live with my phone nearby in case the lawyer calls.  Christmas is around the corner and our greatest wish is that he could be here with us for that time.  It also means that if he's not, there's another several weeks of vacation (which isn't much of a vacation for him in the less than loving atmosphere of the orphanage) that we all endure before any progress is made again on his behalf.  Our friends are praying.  Our family is praying.  People we hardly know are praying for his release.  Deep within us, we trust that God has a perfect purpose in all things that happen to us, even in the waiting.  Even if he were to lay around a while longer where he's not being properly cared for.  Still, I can not escape the overwhelming desire to rescue him from that.

I've really enjoyed having Natty home from school with me these last couple of weeks.  We try to do something a little special each day- I want her vacation to really feel like a vacation.  I'm almost done with Christmas shopping, so I can really focus on the girls during the day.  I'm still a bit in denial about the 9 person team coming in less than 2 weeks, but excited about what that time with them might hold.  This year, we've chosen to go very simple as far as presents for the girls are concerned.  Large, silky fabrics to play make-believe with, clip boards to assist in drawings, a piggy bank, a sticker album.  Nothing that's a true toy, because those mostly wear so quickly.  Scotty and I will plan to spend a night away as our present to each other, as long as baby boy isn't in the house.  It's nice to keep things simple, know we're saving money, but still making sweet memories as a family.  I'm excited to participate in some of the outreaches the team will be doing so that my girls can have a better sense of how blessed they are.  I'm thankful, as we do advent together as a family, for the reminder that Christ came to free us from sin, from the desire to have things and seek out contentment in them (even a new baby or house) and that one day He will return to bring us to our perfect home.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

The rains seem to have finally made it.  It's cloudy dark outside right now and the girls are both having quiet/nap time.  Our Christmas tree is up and twinkling and we've dug out the Christmas CDs (do people still use CDs?).  4 strands of broken or half-working lights are resting on my couch.  I swear they are designed for maximum irritation...how do you burn out half a strand of lights??  Every year as we unpack our limited decorations, I tell Scotty I want to buy some decent stuff and he says to wait till we build our house.  We've put that off till March or April, but at the rate things are going, I still wonder if it will ever happen.  We have gorgeous, intricately cross-stitched stockings made by a family friend with our names on them (even Zion!).  I'm hoping baby boy Miser will have one hanging up next year.  My parents passed on Santa and Mrs. Claus salt and pepper shakers.  And, we are slowly growing a collection of meaningful ornaments.  The girls went wild this year as we poured over each thing and talked about where it came from or who gave it to us- I love family traditions.  I found an old Christmas magazine someone had mailed to me and folded back the corners on some pages with delicious holiday goodies I'll be trying out this year.  Today marks the beginning of advent and I look forward to replacing our normally scheduled family devos with Nancy Guthrie's, Let Every Heart Prepare Him Room.  The girls and I crafted some salt ornaments today and we have a whole list of other activities we want to do together before the new year.  Natty will start the second half of kindergarten (she already did a full year in her Bolivian school) at Highlands in January.  She'll be in class till later in the day and, to me, it feels like a real school and that my first born is going to be gone for far too long.  This holiday season seems like the end of her baby girl days.  We're continuing to pray that our little boy will come home to us soon.  There's been a ridiculous amount of talk in the air about the horrific state of government run orphanages after a particularly devastating news story about a baby boy who died in one recently.  It's been hard for me to hear these facts over and over and know our little guy is living there now.  God is teaching me a new level of trust in Him, but we are anxious to rescue our son as quickly as possible.  Scotty has a full day of teaching scheduled tomorrow where he will be observed and then (we assume), offered an official position at Highlands.  Also coming up, my best friend brings a YWAM team to visit for 7 weeks!!  This month is FULL of expectation.

Thanksgiving list.

This might not be the most interesting blog post to read, but I thought for my own encouragement, I wanted to write out some things that are on my heart that I'm thankful for.  We are celebrating Thanksgiving a week early with our SIM team tomorrow (at our house!), and I am gearing up mentally.  Also, I've made parts of a sweet potato casserole (savory, with bacon!) and a sweet potato pie tonight...with plans to whip up some dinner rolls and cider tomorrow.  So, in no certain order, I am thankful for:

• a clean bill of health for our little guy we're hoping will be assigned to us soon
• a chance to get to know our new, interim country director today
• daughters who love to play and laugh and be silly together
• Natty's patience with Jubilee when she throws fits
• Jubilee's ability to adapt to Natty's suggestions
• an amazing husband who loves to tour people around, even when he's feeling sick
• a God who continues to work on us even when we struggle with the same issues FOREVER
• coffee
• fresh fruit
• the hope of starting to build our first house in March
• our loving parents who will come to visit next year
• such sweet friends that we can share life with
• a deep and trusting relationship with our pastor and his family
• intense blue skies with no clouds
• farm animals that live in our neighborhood
• good books that challenge and/or entertain me
• our house helper, Fely
• the fact that I'm sitting on the couch in short sleeves right now, after dark, and I'm not cold (this only happens a few weeks out of the year)
• my best friend coming to visit in ONE MONTH (Ally!!!!!!)

Oh, there is so much more.  It's good to stop and make a point of thinking about everything we have to be thankful for.  Without wanting to sound like a Sunday school teacher, I am most grateful that Christ has covered me in His righteousness and nothing I can do or don't do will change the way God sees me- as His beloved.  That's good.  That's comforting.  So, although we won't be eating turkey this year, I am full of thanks.

Tentatively hopeful.

I wrote the following several weeks ago when I got the call from our lawyer that there was an infant pre-assigned to us. Scotty was out of town on a hike with the school he'll work at next year, and I was watching a movie with the girls.  It was an incredibly exciting moment and one that I'll never forget...but I wasn't sure for a while if I wanted to even put the news out there on the WORLDWIDE WEB if things ended up falling through.  After a couple weeks, we decided that we'd rather have people know and be praying for this little boy, than not.  It's still not at all a sure thing and since receiving the news, our lawyer has had nothing new to tell us.  I just keep praying things are moving along as they should so that this particular child can come home and be our little boy Miser.  So, here's what I was thinking that night I got the call:

We've been assigned a baby.  Even as I type it I wonder if it's real.  Will it come to completion?  It feels strangely like several experiences with babies I've already had.  The hopefulness when someone tells you a baby is coming...but, what if?  The pain of the past reminds you that it doesn't always happen like you dream.  Sometimes the dream gets interrupted.  I remember feeling tentatively hopeful when we were pregnant with Jubilee.  I want to think I'd hold a baby in my arms in 9 months, but the last time something went wrong.  Although these feelings are there, the overwhelming response in my heart is thankfulness.  So many people have been praying.  We have waited and trusted and I feel like God has strengthened us to continue to trust in His faithfulness.  I want this process to show others what a good and kind and loving and powerful God we serve.  I'm not sure I can do Him justice.  I do know that just as we finished up our paperwork, a baby boy came into an orphanage.  Our lawyer discovered him and somehow convinced the judge to let him be pre-assigned to us with the plan that once his paperwork is complete, he will become part of our family.  It just doesn't happen this way normally.  I prayed that our lawyer would really be for us and that the judge would be for us.  It is so apparent that the hand of God is in this.  So, we don't know when we can meet him.  It's all a bit of a blur to me and I don't think our lawyer has done it this way before.  We'll have to wait until things get to a certain point where the judge is comfortable giving us permission to go to the orphanage.  She said the paperwork would take 3 months.  I'm hoping that's accurate.  About this time 4 years ago, I was sitting by my son's NICU crib praying that he'd be home by Christmas.  I asked the Lord to be near him at night while he slept, like a mother wants to be but couldn't be this time.  I think I might be doing that again and my prayers are already the same.  Let him be home by Christmas and comfort him while he's far from us.  It feels like such a sweet redemption and completion of the joy of gladness the Lord has given us instead of mourning.

And just when you thought we were done...

Welcome to the judicial office of childhood and adolescence. 

One thing I love about it getting lighter earlier these days is that the birds start chirping by the time I am up.  It's still quiet (if the girls don't conspire against me) when I roll out of bed and start making coffee.  I sit by the the kitchen window and gaze out across the mountains, which are usually still blanketed by heavy grey clouds.  But, there is more often a brighter hint of light that gives hope that in a few hours, the blue sky will break through and we'll have at least some warm hours before we get socked in again by the premature rain clouds.  Today, Scotty and I decided to head up to sign our adoption book and see if the lawyer did what she said she was going to do (which we're not sure she always does, or at least not on our time schedule).  I met him at the church office and we hailed a taxi trufi- a sedan that follows a set route, but where you still have the freedom to get off and on wherever you want.  I squeezed into the front, pushing the 65 year old man already in that seat into the middle where there is no seat, the gear shift probably knocking his knees each time the driver shifted.  That's how we roll here.  So, with this full-sized man practically sitting in my lap and the sun beating on my face, we began our ascent into town.  When we were as close as we were going to get, the driver let us off in the middle of the 4 lane, busy street that slices through downtown and we wound our way through stopped buses and cars and made our way up, up, up to the judge's office that we have come to know and love/hate.  Up a few flights of stairs (this weekly jaunt is quite a work-out) and into the cramped office where they have come to recognize us and pull out the adoption book as soon as they see us.  It's nice that Scotty towers over everything and everyone around him when we are wanting to be seen by the government employees who are doing their best to pretend like there is no one in the room waiting to be served.  Scotty asked if the secretary had begun writing his final letter yet- the last official document that needs to be finished before everything is sent off to the judge and she makes the request for a child from the orphanage.  We find that our paperwork has not made it to his desk yet (a week after it was supposed to have been turned in by our lawyer) and can we please come back with our lawyer tomorrow morning.  I'm a bit peeved that it's sitting where we left it last week and imagining doing this less-than-easy journey into town again tomorrow.  But, we smile and say "yes".  After leaving, we discuss how certain procedures in this culture have made us more assertive, but also continue to wonder how to push and prod things along without doing it in anger.  Cause, honestly, I've had too many moments of lightly veiled anger in some of these things.  But we also realize that a certain amount of expressed displeasure or impatience is a way of showing a continued interest in the project.  I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be non-American enough to get it.  So, we will return on Friday and wrap up (AGAIN) something that we thought was wrapped.  The lawyer also casually informed us that a chunk of money will need to be payed to the secretary for....doing his job??  With money in hand and the smiles plastered on our faces, we will keep going through the motions and hope that before long, our little boy will be ready for us.  We do it for him and for our family.  We long to see him and bring him home and start a new chapter in our story.  Our expectations for this year are high- a new home, a new baby and preparation for a totally new job.  We feel a certain amount of constant expectation.  So, we try to remember what we memorized in the family catechism we are studying: Nothing happens except through Him and by His will.

Lesson of the day: Take initiative.

So, just the other day I was praying with the girls about the adoption process.  Frustrated that when I actually manage to connect via telephone with our lawyer, she always says, "No news.  I'll go check tomorrow."  Strange that every time we talk, she had already planned to go "tomorrow".  Anyway, since the social worker who needed to do our last interview had been out for 2 months, the lawyer told us she was busy catching up on work.  I prayed that God would give us preference in her mind and give us a date for the interview.  Natty informed me that I was being selfish...maybe she was right.  So, I changed the prayer and asked that God would put us after those who need the interview a lot quicker than us- whatever that means.  When we went into town today to sign the adoption book, I suddenly decided I was going to take matters into my own hands and ask if the social worker was there.  The guy working behind the desk pointed out her office and said I could knock.  When we got in front of her door, I suddenly didn't know what I was going to say.  Our lawyer had told me that she needed to be the one to make the appointment and I felt like I must be jumping out of order of the chain of command , but I also felt like this is our process and we've hired this lawyer to help us.  Surely, getting involved of my own initiative couldn't hurt anything as long as I maintained a smile.  We knocked, she answered and then she had us sit while she fumbled around with her printer for a while.  While we waited, she asked us to have the secretary get our file ready.  Then, she sat us down at her desk and we talked about everything from evangelicals "hating" Catholics to spanking to miraculous healing and a bit about adoption in between.  I kept wondering if this was the real interview or if this lady was just in the mood to talk.  Although we had an approaching meeting that it was becoming more obvious we weren't going to make it on time for, we decided this was more important.  When a co-worker informed her that it was time for lunch, she closed our file and said, "So, do you want me to come do a home visit or should I just go ahead and send my report to the judge?"  Uh....yes?!  Scotty invited her to our house and she said she'd go ahead and send the report on Monday, but come to our house the following Wednesday because she like us.  I gave her a big hug and thanked her profusely and we ran (literally) out of the building thanking the Lord and astounded how it had all gone down.  When I called the lawyer with a bit of trepidation because we had overstepped her, she commented nonchalantly, "Oh, good.  She's never there when I go."  Hmmm....why didn't you tell us we could go and try to make the appointment ourselves since we are there EVERY WEEK, I wanted to say.  Oh, well.  I think I've got this polite assertiveness thing going and I'll just run with that for a bit.  So, YAY!  Almost done!

Birthday girl!

Natty's school asked us to dress her like a carrot that week.  Thankfully, it wasn't hard to find a carrot outfit...who knew?

Natty turned six on Monday.  We let her have the day off of school and we took her out for breakfast- cinnamon rolls.  I would have made them at home, but Scotty got sick on me over the weekend and we had already planned a birthday lunch for after church on Sunday.  So, I was a little busy prepping for that, hosting by myself (totally not as bad as I thought it would be), cleaning up and making a birthday cake...I just couldn't squeeze homemade cinnamon rolls in there, too.  After breakfast we came home to play, eat a quick and early lunch and then head back out to see a movie.  Then, home for cake and ice cream and back out shortly after for an early dinner at Natty's favorite restaurant.  The day was all about her and it was so sweet to spend it together!  Because we decided to give Natty her main birthday present early (a hamster), I had warned her that she would only have a couple very small things to open on her birthday.  At first that idea seemed very upsetting to her, but when the day rolled around, she was very gracious and didn't mention it at all.  I was proud of her, as those things can really send her reeling sometimes.  She was pleasant most of the day and even thanked us for taking her out at different times.  This might seem like expected behavior, but for her, it can be a bit iffy.  I wrote her a birthday note and told her how I've seen her grow in this last year.  It was good for me to take some time to really think about the way the Lord has worked in her character this year- really in these last couple of months.  It's been a long road at times and I know the journey is just beginning, but I see progress and that is encouraging.  Then, she got bangs.  Bang!  From 5 years old to 15 in one snip.

We continue hounding our lawyer and architect with very little success.  No news there, unfortunately.

Maybe another step closer to adoption...maybe not.

My brain exploded today.  For reals.  Scotty and I have been patiently waiting for an interview with the psychologist- the 2nd to last that we will hopefully need before we finish our adoption stuff.  We've been praying, thinking through questions he might ask and revisiting our own motives for adopting.  We felt prepared.  But, nothing could prepare us for this guy.  Right before we went into his office, our lawyer told us, "he might tell you that the packet of info that was sent from child and family services regarding their findings isn't complete.  He'll offer you two options- one, to send it back to the same office or two, to hire an independent psychologist who can speak with us and corroborate our story.  Pick the first option."  I wasn't sure what that meant, but it seemed important.  Let the games begin.  As soon as we sat down, mr. man began to read through the information he had on file about our case.  He reiterated what we already explained in our previous interviews with the other government office.  He went to great lengths to explain that when he presents our case before the judge, she's going to ask him, "but how do you KNOW that Mr. and Mrs. Miser are no longer in emotional turmoil over the son they lost?  But, how do you KNOW that Lisa is the transparent person she claims to be?  What EVIDENCE do you have that Scotty isn't a psychopath and actually loves his children?"  He explains in that fabulous condescending way that he believes us, OF COURSE! But, there just wasn't enough observation done by the other team to convince the judge.  He used analogies, he used metaphors.  He talked just so he could revel in the glory of his own speech.  He spoke to us like we had a cumulative IQ of 12.  And the worst part is that as much as he said it was important to him to make sure we were an acceptable set of people to adopt and be loving parents to these poor children, it was so obvious that his motive was only to convince us not to trust the work of child and family services and to go with someone independent instead.  I don't understand what benefit this was to him or why it was so important.  I'm waiting for a call from our lawyer to see if she has any idea.  He asked us very few questions, or the ones that he did ask, he gave us no opportunity to answer.  It was about an hour and 45 mins of this, but it felt like an eternity.  We nodded and smiled and tried to keep our eyes open and our anger under wraps.  I was practically shaking with fury by the time I left and couldn't believe that man had just wasted so much of our time and done no favors for the cause of adoption.  We consoled ourselves with a donut from our favorite donut store- a rare treat, but a necessary one today.  And, we pray that despite this man, our paperwork will continue to move forward.  We know that even his incompetence will not thwart God's plan.

Old ladies and movement.

As I stood on the side of the street today, hand-picking my fruit at the market, a little old lady that I've come to recognize and who recognizes me, came to ask if she could help me carry my bags.  Often I reject the offer of help (even though they expect to be paid a bit), because I think that surely of the two of us, I should be the one doing the heavy lifting.  This lady must be in her '70s and is hunched over a bit and she always tries to make friendly conversation in Aymara, which, of course, I don't understand a word of.  Sometimes a Spanish word will make it out of her lips, like "girl" or "expensive".  The last few times I've let her help me, after placing my bags in the car, she'll say something in Aymara and then pat her chest gently and say, "Michita".  Her name.  She waits until I repeat her name and tell her mine, then she nods her head and walks away.  I was struck today that I live Bolivia's capital city, but can still interact with women who have never learned to speak Spanish.  The diversity is stunning.

We've made progress in all main areas this week!  Scotty had a meeting with the director of Highlands, the school where he hopes to teach next year.  He now knows some concrete steps to take to be ready for that to happen and has been promised a job!  This is huge!  That same day, our adoption lawyer called to let us know that after two months of chasing down someone at the judge's office, she was able to connect and get us an appointment for one of our two last interviews!  The next day, our architect finally sent us what we need to have the engineer begin his part of the deal so that we are one step closer to breaking ground.  Wow!  I was just trying to explain to Natty right before all this happened that God exists outside of the realm of time and is not affected by it, but in control of it.  (Is this a bit complex for a 5 year old?)  So, I prayed with her (meaning she begrudgingly listened to me) that this sovereign God would move things along as only someone in control of time can.  And he did!  We are very thankful and excited to see what happens now.

Locked in and foiled again.

For quite a while now, we've been waiting for a few tweaks to be made on our house plans.  We meet with the architect and explain in detail what we want, he takes our plans and we don't hear from him for a couple weeks.  When the plans come back, some, but not all, has been done.  Repeat.  Repeat again.  This morning, we met with a structural engineer and our builder who got our plans, surveyed the land a bit and said they are ready to draw up the structural drawings to begin construction as soon as some minor changes would be done by the architect.  Scotty had a meeting with him scheduled right after.  Perfect!  He was to go to the architect's house and sit down with him so that they could work it out together.  He's had several dates like this canceled by the architect for one reason or another.  Am I effectively building some tension here?  So, Scotty leaves for his date with the architect.  The scene at home is Natty and me sitting on the couch.  Jubilee trots off to their bedroom, shuts the door and "click".  Hmmm, that's weird.  She's never locked the door before.  I quickly finish whatever I was doing with Natty and go to try the bedroom door.  Yep, locked.  "Jubilee, open the door."  She calmly calls back, "OK!"  I hear the door rattling.  "I can't!"  Me: Jubilee, you need to turn the lock.  J: Daddy says no lock.  Me:  Yes, but you DID lock it and now you need to unlock it.  Silence.  Steps retreating.  Me: Jubilee!  Come open the door!  J: Jussa minute.  I'm comin'.  Nothing.  Me:  Now, not in a minute.  J: OK, Mommy.  Nothing.  Mommy goes to wash dishes.  5 minutes later.  Me:  Jubilee?  Do you hear me?  What are you doing?  J: Reading!  The kitty one!  Me: Can you please try to open the door again.  J: Locked?!  Me: Yes, locked.  You have to try to turn the button on the knob.  J: Oh.  Door handle rattles. Steps retreating again. Well, as you can imagine, this goes on forever.  Jubilee maintains a tranquil attitude and her usual sing-song responses to my growing impatience and mild threats.  She only gets excited when I get desperate and tell her we're eating ice cream.  At that point she tells me she's peed in her pants and I hear her open her dresser to find new pants.  "The pink ones!" she says, as though she's dressing to actually go somewhere.  During this, I've called Scotty and finally admit that there's no getting the door open (I tried, trust me) and he  decides to come home since the keys to the bedroom doors are over on our land in some box, somewhere.  He eventually returns, opens the door after an hour of Jubilee's incarceration and she is sitting happily on the floor looking at books.  So much for our the meeting with the architect.  But, he did leave the plans, again, and the architect said he'd have them done this week...again.  I'll let you know how that turns out.

Book signing and impatience.

Back up to sign the adoption book today.  This time we left Natty at school and Jubilee at home with our house helper.  I took the city bus up to meet Scotty and we walked the 14 blocks or so up the hill to the judicial office.  I managed to snap a picture this time, hoping I wouldn't offend anyone.

Judicial office dealing with issues regarding persons underage.

 I was wrong!  There are computers!  While that made me feel more hopeful about the general organization, the fact that it's taking FOREVER for our lawyer to find the necessary staff people to make our next interview date is frustrating.  I never cease to amaze myself with my own lack of patience.  I talked to the lawyer on the phone while I waited for Scotty to meet me, wondering if there was anything we could do while we were there, and she told me she needs to talk in person to the right people and that she hasn't been able to "find them".  I always have an inner dialogue that says something unhelpful like, "so the fact that we went up there over a week ago to start things up isn't enough time for you to have made the appropriate contact with the social worker?"  Instead, I chose to say, "Ok.  Well, let me know when you are able to talk with her."  I then asked about some other specific paperwork she had mentioned we needed and she said we could start working on that next week while the judicial office looks over our papers from the child and family services.  Last week she was telling me that we'd have an appointment this week and now she's saying that next week they'll still be looking over things that need to be seen before we can take the next step.  ARGH.  So, off we go to grab a snack before heading back down the hill to pick up Natty from school.  There was a mix-up at the cafe where we went and the waitress apparently didn't hear me order.  When she brought Scotty his cheesecake and espresso, I asked about my orange juice and she said, "No.  You didn't order anything."  But imagine the condescending way a parent talks to a child when they're frustrated with them.  That's kinda how she made me feel.  So, I gritted my teeth and said, "Ok. That's fine."  Time did not permit me to wait for my OJ.  So, we got our book signed this morning- score on the adoption front!  But, I got a bit of a smack up side my head as far as my impatience shining through.  Part of me wants to know why we have to frequently deal with poor communication and people not doing what they've said they will do when they said they will do it (don't get me started on our architect) and then part of me wonders why my character is so unrefined as I watch my reactions.  I suppose the first is part of the process of changing the second.  I wish it could be a bit more painless.

One step closer.

Today is the day we've been waiting for since we've gotten back from the states…the day we finally get things rolling again with the adoption.  Our lawyer asked us to meet her downtown where the presidential palace is so she could take us directly to the building where any legal cases involving minors are handled.  We piled the girls in the car and drove down the hill to where the new city bus stops to pick up passengers.  Natty was excited to ride the bus for the first time and I was happy to know that it would be a relatively quick (25 mins.) trip downtown with minimal stops.  The new buses actually have specific stops and won't just stop and pick up passengers wherever, like most of the public transport.  It was full today and after an elderly woman started to stand to give me and Jubilee her seat, a young man got the idea and got up instead.  We were able to sit with Natty smashed against me and Scotty close behind her in the aisle.  The sun was streaming in the windows and the bus was heating up nicely inside- maybe a bit more nicely than was comfortable.  But, before long we were downtown and jumped off the bus, greeted by the picturesque sight of Mount Illimani covered in snow and some dark clouds starting to accumulate around, threatening to be another strangely cloudy afternoon in this very dry season.  We hoofed it uphill for about 7 or 8 blocks, holding tightly to the girls' hands and dodging the pedestrian traffic that was in top gear all around us.  After running across a few busy streets and up some more hills, we finally made it to the beautiful cathedral in the plaza where our lawyer had already arrived.  She led us up another few blocks to an unmarked building where the judicial office awaited us.  Up a few flights of stairs, scooting around yet some more people in a hurry, down a narrow hallway, to an office with a cartoon Dalmatian stuck to the door.  What I saw inside was not encouraging, but fairly typical.  A few guys sat at small desks with hundreds of manilla folders stacked up on shelves all around them, spilling over with the papers inside.  They had brightly colored tags taped to each- some sort of organization system, I'm sure.  I don't think there was a computer in sight.  This is where all the records for each orphan is kept, not to mention other matters pertaining to anything domestic regarding children.  How in the world do they keep track of it all?  How will they keep track of our papers? And, even more important, no wonder there are so many children waiting in orphanages without papers completed so that they can be adopted.  It made me so sad to see that reality,  right there, in front of my face.  There just isn't enough man-power to get it done.  I sat on the floor with the girls outside the office and tried to help them understand the reality of these children without families.  I'm finding Natty less empathetic these days than a mommy would like to see and she's not overly excited about welcoming a little boy into the family either.  I'm trying to help her understand how badly these children need a home with parents to love them and a message of hope offered to them.  I took her inside and held her up over the counter so she could see the mountains of paperwork.  Hopefully, the Lord will get that message to her heart before long.  So, we signed a few things and the lawyer assured us that within a week or two we will have our final interview with this team, get a couple more background checks, and we'll be done.  She also showed us a notebook filled with lined paper and our name scratched at the top.  She said that each week, until we receive our son, we need to come down to this office to sign our names again.  And again.  And again.  It's how they'll know you're still interested, she explained.  So, we have a standing date each week to make the journey downtown, wind our way up to the office, sign our names and be on our way.  For as long as it takes.

After the legal office, we went to feed pigeons in the plaza.  Guess they thought Scotty was a statue...

So. Many. Pigeons.

Are we still considering adoption?

We've had a fair number of people ask if we're still planning on adopting and where we are in the process.  Honestly, when we left here in March, I had to leave behind my hope that we had a child here waiting for us.  It was like a loss because I had already become somewhat attached to this little Bolivian boy that I had never met but was so sure God had hand-picked for us.  But, I knew that Scotty was pretty convinced he never wanted to come back here and I didn't know what the future held.  I tried not to think about it too much because the thought of leaving one of my children behind was too hard to face.  As we dealt with the present crisis of burn-out and how to find healing, adoption got pushed to the back of my mind and heart for a while.  Then we came back to La Paz, after God did an amazing work in both of our hearts, and I knew that I would have to re-open the issue of adoption.  Were we ready?  Did I still want to go through with it?  Could I handle the needs of a third child when it seemed like my first was going through a phase I barely had the strength or wisdom to adequately deal with?  I was in a place of doubt and I began to ask the Lord to make it clear to me again what He had once made so plain in the past.  I shared honestly my fears with Scotty.  What if he's an angry child?  What if he doesn't click with us or the girls?  What if he breaks our hearts?  There are so many questions and no definite answers.  But, in God's mercy, He began to show me the selfishness of my fears and remind me of His call on our family.  He gently brought me back to a place of trust in Him, no matter who He chooses to bring to us.  He made it clear once again that adoption is a part of our family make-up.  And I began to read books on adoption that helped me to see that the resources and tools that are available will be of such advantage to us.  We are not alone and He will provide what we need to face new challenges.
We had a baby dedication at church on Sunday.  As I watched this sweet family holding their little girl before the congregation and before the Lord, I had this strange mix of feelings wash over me.  Almost at the same time I thought about Zion and what the Lord taught me about really giving our children back to Him and confessing that He is Lord over their lives, and also I thought about our future son and the joy of one day standing in that place before our church family committing him to to his heavenly Father.  There was such joyous expectation and also pain together.  There's a book that Natty has called the Hello, Good-bye Window.   In it, a little girl talks about how when her parents come to pick her up from Nana and Poppy's house, she is so happy to see them, but also sad that she has to say good-bye to her grandparents.  She says something to the effect of, "you can be happy and sad at the same time, you know."  I love how that book admits something so common for all of us- something that we experience so frequently but never quite understand.  God in His greatness and mysteriousness is so full of these tensions.  One thing I do know, I am so excited to meet our little one.

God's sovereignty over errands.

So, this morning I took Jubilee to a much needed visit to the clinic to get a vaccine that she is almost a year behind on.  I've been waiting to do it and was sent specifically to the clinic by my pediatrician because she had run out of the vaccine.  When we got to the clinic, there was only one baby ahead of us, but it still took about half an hour before it was our turn.  When I got into the room, the nurse informed me that they don't have that vaccine either.  She did have one of the others that Jubilee is overdue for, but I didn't have enough money on me to purchase it and there is no way of paying a part now and the rest later.  I didn't work too hard to hide my frustration from the nurse and left struggling with aggravation that I was kept, again, from getting the shot that Jubilee has needed for so long.  Scotty then called and told me that his errand he had driven across town with Natty for, had also failed. I managed to get the chicken I needed from the chicken lady, but then got another call saying the vegetable order I had put in to get my weeks worth of vegetables didn't go through.  I had just left a large market area where I could have picked up the vegetables, if I had only gotten the call 10 minutes earlier.

Why do I tell you all this?  One, to confess how easily my heart can turn to bitterness and anger in small things.  Also, because from the time I experienced the first disappointment, I remembered what God has been speaking through various pastors in these last few weeks from the book of Ester.  The issue of God's sovereignty has been hit hard and we've been convinced that all the little details of Ester's life, including the wrong decisions made by her and the people around her, were necessary to fulfill the overarching and greater plan ordained by the Lord.  His purposes are good and perfect and in this mysterious control that He has over all things, He chooses to use all sorts of stuff to bring about His will.  For some reason, it seems easier to trust in this in bigger events in life- like when my kids are sick or some trip doesn't work out.  I suppose because it's more obvious that I don't have the control.  But, buying vegetables and getting vaccines seems like something I have control over and so it irritates me more when I can't make it happen.  I am fighting to believe that even in those seemingly insignificant things, God has a reason for the way it works out.  May He give me the strength and the faith to believe.

The ideal short-term team.

The DGCC team:  deep thinking, light-hearted, ready for anything, funny, patient, loving, self-sacrificing.  We could not have asked for a better group to come spend 10 days with us.  As someone who often needs some space from people, I didn't find myself yearning for them to go.  I liked waking up to these people in my house.  I liked going to bed knowing that some of them were still sitting on my couch whats-apping their loved ones.  I knew that if something went wrong (like no running water in the house), they wouldn't flinch.  We took them to the cable cars, grocery shopping, mountain climbing, errand running, tourist shopping, soccer game watching and eating out.  They served us at our SIM spiritual life conference by preaching a challenging and encouraging word, leading us in worship, loving on and playing with our kids, meeting our colleagues and generally joining in the fun.  Natty fell in love with a few young men on this team.  Jubilee was just happy to have more people to laugh at her antics.  I had a cooking and dish-washing partner who also happens to be a great conversationalist/encourager/friend.  We are so grateful.  And we miss you, Coty, Beth, Joel, Albert, Ty, and Luke!

Home again.

Natty's first day back to school.

Well, we made it.  We're back home, or at least, to the place that feels most familiar.  Natty was not excited to leave the U.S. and come back, but in a short amount of time she started saying, "Mommy, it's like we never left.  Like our trip was a dream or something."  It always feels a bit surreal like that at first.  It is good to be back.  Scotty is often aware of how much better he feels compared to when he left.  He notices that he responds differently to situations that he wouldn't have handled so well before- I notice, too.  We are both excited about what the Lord is going to do this year, in us and through us.  We have so much more to learn still.  So much to try to put into practice.  A few days after returning, we met with our small group.  They were encouraged to hear how God had worked in our lives.  We shared about the freedom we feel to enjoy God and how that should be preeminent in our lives.  From our overabundant joy in Him will we go on to serve Him.  Often, I think we try to do it the other way around, which can lead to all sorts of unpleasant things.  We know; we've been there.  We had our pastor and his family over the Sunday after returning and shared with them.  They expressed how much they enjoy coming to our house to hang out and talk, sometimes about things they don't feel like they can share with just anyone.  That's our greatest desire for our home- that it would be a place where people can come as they are and feel freedom and grace.  We can't wait to have our own place with more space for this kind of meeting.  We've met with a contractor, scratched him off our list, and are moving on to others.  It feels like progress.

And yet, along with all this positive, there are already great struggles.  Natty has been dealing with some issues that are so far beyond my scope as a parent.  Her thoughts, her words, her reactions- they frighten me sometimes.  Could it be the result of another big change?  Are we under some sort of spiritual attack?  This isn't the first time we've dealt with this.  I find myself running to the Lord and pleading for His help.  I am fighting my own tired soul and choosing to believe that He can work in her heart and knowing we must persevere.  When Zion died and I was struggling so much to believe that God was good, I had a friend who always told me she would trust God for me.  That's stuck with me and I want to stand in that place for my daughter.  When she can't trust God, I will do it for her until she learns to do it on her own.  I want her to see that no matter what, He is worthy.

Made new.

I had one of those days recently that is a total energy-drainer for an introvert.  Too many different venues, too many unknown people, too much small talk.  Although I enjoyed meeting new people and had some genuinely encouraging and enjoyable conversations, I felt completely wasted by the end.  Sorta like my brain hurt and I just wanted to go to sleep.  And maybe I was slightly irritable, too.  Anyway, when we got home, I got the girls into bed but I knew it was going to be one of THOSE nights (cue horror music)...Natty was overly tired and Jubilee wasn't tired enough.  Well, after closing the door upon exiting their bedroom, I asked Scotty if I could go take a bath.  I needed to let some of that tension built from my very social day seep out into a warm tub.  I took my peaceful smelling candle and Scotty's iPod and my earphones into the bathroom and checked out for a while.  Yes, I could occasionally hear Jubilee's wailing over my buddy Josh Garrels' crooning...but I chose to ignore it and knew the girls were left in good hands.  Honestly, I would never have asked Scotty to do this a couple months earlier.  I have purposefully kept my blog vague in order to give Scotty some privacy, but he has given me permission to share what he has openly shared with friends since coming back.  He was in a bad place.  It was a long time coming, but we both thought it could be pushed back and crammed down....like a lot of other things Scotty had been pushing back and cramming down.  And me, too, for that matter.  I always thought the term "burnout" just meant that you were tired of doing something and needed a change.  Then, when it happened to us, I realized that it's a lot more involved than that.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Unforgiveness.  Depression.  Lack of hope.  Did I hear you gasp?  Yes, missionaries struggle with these things, too.  If you've known Scotty at all, you know that he is a positive guy.  He can always find a brighter side to a tough situation, or at least laugh a bit about it.  He loves a challenge and loves to bring people along to face it together.  He exudes fun and light-hearted.  That Scotty was gone for a while- longer than I realized by the time we packed it up to come back to the US.  And it was kinda scary for me.  But, without needing to go into too much detail, because I'm still trying to sort it all out in my heart, God has brought so much freedom.  It all seems like a nightmare that happened not too long ago, but the sun has risen and it's brighter and you start to wonder why that particular dream was so scary.  And hope returns.  And joy.  I am so incredibly thankful.

We are making some major changes in our life.  One, is to slow down.  Scotty and I are pretty chill people.  We don't like to rush through things.  We like to think about the things we look forward to doing, plan for them, soak up every moment of doing them and then savor the experience again while we talk about them to each other after.  This is how we do ministry, too, when we're not trying too hard to do it like someone else.  We also want to incorporate a Sabbath day into our week.  There's so much I would love to say about this, but there are some pretty great books that do it so much better than I could.  Check out The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan if you are interested.  We want to learn how to be with the Lord, to hear His voice, to take time to acknowledge Him.  This day recognizes that we were once slaves to sin, like God's people were slaves to the Egyptians- we did not have the freedom to rest.  Then, we were freed!  For the Israelites, this meant a miraculous flee from their captors.  For us, this is redemption through Jesus Christ taking our punishment for sin on the cross.  And now, we are no longer slaves- we have been given permission to rest.  We'll take the Sabbath to remember that.  God Himself rested on the 7th day- He set a model for us because although He needs not rest, He knows His people do.  So this day will also be a time when we remember we are not God.  All our striving and our work and our effort is not enough and it can be missed for a day.  A mindset that says, I'm not in control of what happens today.  And that's good.

The other big change is still a secret until I send out our next newsletter and let our supporters know.  :)  Come back soon and see!  And, thank God with us for all He's done.

Is it that time already?

We were in Gainesville, Florida last week- the town I spent most of my growing up years and where I stayed until leaving for Bolivia.  For some reason, it felt much more nostalgic to be there this time, memories from many years gone by returning and taking me to places in my mind I haven't been for a while.  It might be because I was staying with the parent's of my longest, dear friend Ally.  I probably spent close to as many hours in her home, with her family, as I did with my own.  God taught me a lot about myself in those years and it was good and somewhat surreal to be back again, a mother now, with my own children.  One afternoon, while the girls were snoozing, a rain storm came.  I've explained to Natty in the past how wonderful it is to go outside in a good, heavy rain and run and play and dance.  In Florida, most of the rain storms we have don't lower the temperature all that much, so it's reasonable to run around in them if the lightening isn't too close by.  I sat outside on the big, wooden porch where I've sat so many times.  As a tween, trying to grow comfortable in my own skin, as a teenager, longing to have life figured out, as a young woman, laughing with my girlfriends and seeing the future as wide-open and full of possibilities.  And now, as a not as young woman with some pretty big stuff already behind me but knowing that there's so much more to come.  I sat down in a chair and watched the rain.  Hitting hard the surface of the pool water, making it furiously jump back up.  Blowing through the branches of the huge oak trees with their long mossy arms waving wildly.  Clanging the wind chimes hanging off the corner of the porch.  It was spectacular and so familiar and felt so much like home.  God reminded me of His faithfulness to me over the years- in all stages of my life.  It never ceases to amaze me how faithful God is to His promises and to taking care of His children.  We've seen that in countless ways during this time back- this escape from a rough situation.  We wondered if we'd hear what we needed to hear from God.  Would we have the time and the spiritual sensitivity to listen?  It really is good that it doesn't depend on us…

So, the 2 week mark has hit.  Coundown.  Again.  How many times have we gone through this?  Arriving- feeling like we have so much time stretching before us and an endless list of things we want to do, stuff to buy, people to see.  Hitting the middle and feeling like we've been here forever and the days feel normal and we just kinda live.  Then, reaching the end and realizing that there's still more people to see, more to do, but just not the time to make it all happen.  And, the looming return.  The excitement mixed with apprehension.  The anticipation of reunions with people we love, while unattaching ourselves again from people we love.  And now, the tears of grandchildren saying good-bye to their grandparents- pretty sure that Bolivia could never be as wonderful as free crayons from Publix and libraries and Chic-Fil-A.  But, it's always amazing how quickly re adjust to being back in Bolivia- a country that will never feel as comfortable as here, but is home nonetheless.

Rest.

Not too shabby for our week away.

Scotty and I played some frisbee golf during our retreat.

Today Natty woke up in a foul mood.  She entered into what I call the crazy or irrational cycle during which she works herself up into more and more emotional angst over absolutely nothing and there is no known successful method of getting her out of it until she is ready.  I usually end up very weary and quite annoyed in the process.  Then I took a walk.  It was a cold morning, but clear and beautiful and quiet.  I put on some music and started walking- fast.  The songs seemed to speak to where I was at and I had some time to pray, listen and process.  It was just what I needed.  Scotty and I spent 8 glorious, child-free days at a bed and breakfast last week.  We were taking part in a SonScape retreat (highly recommended for anyone in ministry) and we were given a gift of free time and an encouragement to take a technology fast for that time.  It was so worth it.  We slowed down- a lot.  We read, we slept, I took baths, we played, we walked, we talked, we sat in silence, we processed and we were filled.  God did a lot in those quiet moments.  And, he used our leaders to remind us of how important it is to just be.  To rest.  To slow down.  And, to fight against the frantic, crazy, always buys, always connected life-style that most of us have gotten used to. We learned a lot about ourselves in the process and made a lot of decisions about how we want our future to look as a family in Bolivia.  We were able to see how we got to the very unhealthy place we've been in and God, in His immense grace, was able to move us further out of it and help us to think about preventing ever returning there...hence, the walk this morning.  One of the best weeks of our lives.

Slow down and smell the spaghetti sauce.

Chayila trying to pull all 3 in the Flyer.

Sitting at the breakfast bar on my parents-in-law's kitchen island, I can see a large skillet bubbling full of Papi's famous home made spaghetti sauce.  Jubilee and Natty are playing with their only 2 cousins that they see only once every few years.  Toys are scattered on the floor and even though we've had a rainy day, the skies have desisted long enough for the girls to be out in the flyer wagon enjoying the cool fresh air.  My sister-in-law, mother-in-law and I went for a mid-day workout, which will make stuffing far to much spaghetti in my face later a little less of a guilty pleasure.  The kids are all sleeping in the upstairs loft together at night- something that made me a bit nervous at the beginning but as it's on the other side of the house from my bedroom, I am doing my best to not worry about it since I can't hear what's going on up there anyway.  Papi and Mimsie have graciously gotten up early with the girls every morning that we've been here, and although I'm up as soon as they are (just their boom boom footsteps on the ceiling wake up my sensitive mommy-ears), I know I can lounge under the covers for a few more minutes before I get out.  The intense maternal instincts have made sleeping so far from them a bit tricky at times, as I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I didn't just hear a cry far away from the kiddie loft.  Like last night, for example, when I sprang out of bed and launched into the intense darkness of my room (like, can't even see my fingers in front of my face dark) trying to remember what house I was in and what my room looked like and where the door was.  The joys of travelling...  I about headed into the bathroom before realizing I was off a bit and then adjusted my route and managed to make it out into the hallway.  It was so dark in the hallway that I found myself inexplicably tottering over to one side or the other and bumping into the walls.  I guess seeing helps with balance.  I tiptoed to the bottom of the stairs where the girls are, listened, heard nothing, and returned to my bed.  I've done this almost every night.  It feels so good to be in a place where not hearing my kids at night is my greatest concern.  The days have been laid-back and enjoyable, just being with family.  Since we don't have a hard-core travel schedule this home assignment, it's such a relief to just be.  To slow down and enjoy the wind and the sun and the trees and our families.

The home land.

Well, we've been in the US for a little over a week now.  It seems like the time is moving very fast.  It's amazing how quickly the days go by when you spend a good part of either the morning or afternoon or both at doctor's offices or looking for clothes on sale or visiting a local playground.  It's much colder here than I expected so I left our plethora of winter clothing behind us in hopes/delusion of warmer times...  I had to make a trip to Goodwill just to get some jackets for the girls.  My parents have recently moved to a new state (South Carolina) and so we are enjoying getting to know the surroundings and their beautiful home, as well as starting to connect with friends we have in the Charlotte area.  Next week, we'll head to Tennessee for a week with Scotty's folks and then off to a retreat sans children for a whole week!  We have high expectations for that time and are praying for the Lord to speak to us and start a new work in our hearts.

Highlights so far (these might not be so exciting to those of you who haven't lived in a developing country):

IHOP- oh my gosh- whipped cream and giant pancakes.
Fast internet.  My list could end here with the great joy this brings us.
Playgrounds that focus on child safety.  No rusty nails or missing boards or broken swings or broken glass.  And they are EVERYWHERE.
Retail stores with clearance sales.
Trees.
WIDE roads.
Siri.  My new best friend.
My parents.  Always available when we need them.
Cereal.  So much variety!
Flushing toilet paper.  Ironically, Natty still throws hers in the trash can 90% of the time and giggles when she actually remembers to put it in the toilet.

Chocolate chip pancakes.  I think she's excited.

Hopefully, the next few weeks will bring some more significant thoughts and processing that I can share.  One thing I'll say for this country- it is easily distracting.

A step back.

We've had some pretty rough days around here.  We've reached a crucial moment in our lives and ministry where the necessity of seeking some help, restoration, guidance and rest has made itself very evident.  It all happened fast and also slow- but either way, we're boarding a plane tomorrow to head back to the US for a time.  I think I've gone through every possible emotion, several times.  The overwhelming thought and feeling that reoccurs often is that I love my life in Bolivia.  It's not perfect and there are some things that I still miss about the States, but I have such an incredible community here.  As we said good-bye to families at church, Scotty and I felt so appreciated, supported and encouraged.  Our work has not been in vain, even though it feels like that sometimes.  God has used us here, in ways we are not often aware of and we don't want to forget that or choose to believe otherwise.   And, I have some real, deep friendships here…both with nationals and ex-pats.  My girls are thriving.  I love raising them in another culture, in another language.  But, we need to hear from the Lord anew.  We want His call on us to be serving as missionaries to be refreshed.  We want to know ourselves more- who He has created us to be and with what gifts, so that we can better serve with joy.  So, we have chosen to step out for a bit in order to find that still, small voice that has gotten muddled with the rest of it.  I think we are so blessed to be able to do this.  Not everyone has the chance to stop and take a break and seek emotional and spiritual health.  The Lord is good to give this time to us.  There are so many praying and for that, we can't be more thankful.  We are learning to depend on the Lord in a deeper way again and to call out to Him more than before.  We trust that He will pick us up out of the pit and put our feet on higher ground.  We pray that our marriage will be stronger, that our family will be more united.  We have hope and we know we will not be disappointed.

Books.

I love to read.  Always have.  My tastes have changed and I've picked up more classics and challenging reads as I've gotten older.  The Kindle has given me unspeakable joy, since the airline weight limits keep us from bringing almost any books back.  Still, we have quite a library and an ever growing pile of books that I haven't gotten to yet on our shelves.  I suppose having two little ones and usually feeling fried at the end of the day, I'm not tearing through stuff as quickly as I might like.  I feel like reading is one of those things that keeps my mind fresh, challenges me to think harder than I naturally would in my somewhat lazy natural self and gives me fodder for conversation with my husband and other booky friends.  And in some cases, it gives me a few moments to escape to another world or another time and completely forget, if even for 20 minutes, the weariness of my day or my concerns.  So, as others before me have done, I decided to share what I am reading right now.  I never thought it a good habit to have more than one book going at a time, but with so much to read, I've started getting into more than one.  Also, if it's a particularly weighty non-fiction, sometimes I also want the chance to jump between that and something fiction that I don't have to try so hard to apply to my life while I'm reading it.  Without further ado:

1.  Lord of the Rings- Book one.  I've been wanting (or feeling a duty) to read this series for a long time now.  I just read The Hobbit for the first time a month or so ago and loved it...so I knew I would enjoy these, too.

2.  Instruments in the Redeemers Hands by Paul David Tripp.  This one is incredibly in depth and at some points reads a bit like a counselling text book.  I have enjoyed the half that I've read but found that there's so much info that I can't keep it all in my head.  However, I believe it's pretty invaluable in helping each one of us to be a better listener and point those in crisis (including ourselves) back to Christ.

3.  The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias.  This is my first Zacharias book.  I've heard so many good things about him and have wanted to read something by him for a long time.  I've barely started but already love the way he tells stories and shares important truths in a practical and interesting way.  I think I'm going to really like and be challenged this one.

4.  Created to Connect: A Christian's Guide to The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  This one is a handbook that you can download free online.  It goes along with the author's book, The Connected Child, which I found incredibly helpful (in theory, for now) and practical in helping parents to understand the varied challenges a child adopted from a "hard place" deals with.  I'm looking forward to going through the end of chapter questions with Scotty as we continue to pray for our little guy and the wisdom and grace we need to be his parents.

So, there you have it.  I'm kinda crawling through most of these since time doesn't allow each day for a lot of reading.  Except for children's books, of course...

This is my life.

I just found this blog that I had written before Christmas and never posted:

Last night Natty called to us because she had a bad dream.  5 minutes later she called again because she was still scared.  She eventually ended up in our bed because she had a tummy ache that led to a good part of the night in and out of the bathroom.  The girls are magnetically drawn to me when they're in bed with us and so I got a decent amount of kicks and "my tummy hurts" and "Mommy, I need water."  This is my life.  Today, the girls were a bit sensitive (or cranky) because of lack of sleep.  Jubilee found out she could spit...and then spit on everything and everyone around her.  It was pretty exciting.  Natty got mad because Jubilee ripped up her home-made ornament and put bits of it in her hair like hair clips.  Natty begged me all day to read to her, so I did, but then she cried when I had to do something else.  This is my life.  I had a long-overdue conversation today with a good friend and we mostly talked about our kids.  I had another conversation with a friend who just had a baby and we talked about our kids as babies.  When I pray, it's often about my kids.  I can't help but recount to Scotty when he comes home all the funny, silly, annoying, terrifying things the girls did that day.  This is my life.  And I love it.  I love knowing that despite my imperfections, my lack of patience, my absolute quandary at times about how to deal with things, I am the person God chose to love, protect, guide, play with, and discipline my children.  I love knowing that no matter how exhausted I am at the end of the day and how much I desire to work out more or have more time to myself, I couldn't be doing anything more important with my life right now.  I don't forget that it's a gift to be home with my children and enjoy these years that pass by quicker than I could have imagined, even though some days I wish it was bedtime already.  This is the life God has given me and it is sweet.

The devil's molar.

The molar.

On the other side of town there stands a mountain, capped with an interesting configuration of rock, that from many angles looks like a molar.  Why someone decided it should be named after the devil is beyond me.  But, we can see this impressive mountain from our house and Natty often asks if we can go climb it.  Scotty and I have done the hike before and it does have pretty spectacular views of the city from the top.  Today, after waffles, I was looking out the window and the molar was peeking out from between two cloud layers and calling to me.  I said, "Let's go climb devil's molar!" and just like that, we were out the door.  You can start from the bottom of the mountain and walk your way up, but that takes several hours.  We chose to drive most of the way up, got stuck in a bit of mud, and then decided to stop there and walk the rest.  It was a bit hairy on the narrow, winding road up with the car wanting to fish tail back and forth.  Lucky for me, I'm married to an expert muddy road driver and he had us safely up in no time.  Natty loved the hunt for mushrooms while Jubilee declared the mud to be "eeew!" a few hundred times before getting distracted by other things.  Both girls did amazingly well and when we managed to get up to the rock part, which actually is a bit of a tricky climb, Natty was quite the trooper.  She gripped the rocky walls and kept moving forward, even when she was afraid of slipping and falling.  With a light drizzle and lots of slippery stones, rainy season might not have been the best choice, but the mist covering the fields and the clouds hovering above the city made a dramatic sight.

Looks pretty dangerous, right? :)

We didn't expect to get to the top, but we did!  I was so proud of Natty (Scotty carried Jubilee all the way up) and we made sure to heap on the affirmations and share plenty of high-fives.  Natty tends to be a bit afraid of even the slightest challenges, so when she puts her all into something and doesn't wuss out- I'm pretty happy about that.  We felt like an adventurous family today and loved having something so fun and beautiful so close by!

Conquered!

Holiday update.

I've been wondering lately why it is that I haven't been writing on the blog...Am I too busy?  Is my life just too boring to report?  Am I not taking the time to think through the more significant issues the Lord is teaching me or recognizing His work in every day life?  Maybe it's a bit of all of it.  Sometimes, I feel like this time of life with little kids is a blur and you only have enough energy everyday to take care of your house and your kids and get food on the table.  But, I think it can be different.  A friend encouraged me recently to think about what I might want out of this year- something I hadn't really taken much time to ponder before that.  In some ways it seems overwhelming to mentally add anything else to my daily "to-do" list, but I also know that very little will happen apart from the most necessary things if I don't think about it and put effort into making it happen.  So, I took a few minutes the other day to ask myself what I might want out of this year.  Nothing big or unrealistic- I don't want to arrive to the end of the year and realize I didn't accomplish any of my goals.  But, little things like regular exercise and taking Natty out on dates and having people over and sewing more.  I also realize we will hopefully have another child by the end of the year and so I added that in as a goal since he will take a lot of time and energy.

Natty enjoying the sunset.

The holidays have been busy- mainly because Natty has been off of school since the end of November and my house help has been on vacation for almost that long (I know- poor me!).  Not having someone to help with cooking and cleaning does make a significant change in my daily activities.  I haven't spent nearly as much time playing with the girls as I would have liked because it takes most of the day just to keep up with the most basic household chores.  However, we did decide to take a week away to visit a new beach we haven't been to in Peru.  The drive seemed like it would be shorter than the 9 hours to the Chilean beach, but we ended up in lines at the border crossing for 3 hours, putting total driving time at almost 13 hours.  We passed through some lovely valleys and rice fields and high mountain passes (at almost 16,000ft for extended periods of time!) and then finally through desert before popping out in a tiny beach town with volcanic black sand and hard, crashing waves.  We had a simple, but spacious home about 6 or 7 minutes walking from the beach which we shared with our pastor and his wife and two sons.  What a gift it was to be with them, share cleaning and cooking chores and a bathroom, play together, talk together, eat fish together and relax in the sun.  That time made the trip worthwhile for us, despite messed up or sometimes non-existent sleep schedules, long drives and plenty of house work.  No one said travelling with littles is easy or relaxing, but I'm thankful to have gotten away and given our family the chance to enjoy the beach and warm weather and new places.  I've found that our travelling issues aren't if we should eat at Subway or Chipotle for lunch or which medium budget hotel we should stay in, but how my daughter can manage to use a public toilet without sitting on the rim (or how to pee outside without getting it on her pants!)

or if my baby with the grey face is just sleeping or actually unconscious while we're cruising for 3 hours at high altitude.  I've decided travelling in South America with kids is not for the light-hearted.  But, Natty reported yesterday that her favorite animal to eat is squid- how many 5 year olds can say that?

So, Scotty is back to work full-swing while I continue to hold down the fort with the girls and try to take advantage of peoples' more relaxed schedules by having dinner guests.  The rainy season has official begun and it's a bit chilly and I'm already dreaming again of warmer days.  We await the date for our final adoption interview and work on trusting God as we receive news that our long-awaited house building will probably be put off for another 9 months.  It's good to know each day of our lives has already been worked out by a loving God.