Is it really good?

The fact that I'm actually blogging today is nothing short of miraculous.  After praising and thanking God that Jubilee is healthy, now Scotty has fallen victim to this nasty flu.  I've literally never seen him this sick.  He hasn't gotten out of bed in almost 3 days now- except for a brief stint last night to watch some Netflix with me.  He has a constant fever and is totally useless.  This would not normally be a big deal, other than none of us liking to see him suffer, but today is a big Seder dinner that was supposed to kick off our small group.  One and the other thing has prevented us from starting our new group until now.  One of those things being the moving of a core family in our church who were such a vital part of our group, our church and in whose house we met each 15 days.  We said a tearful good-bye to them and are trying to get our feet back under us.  We thought today would be a good day to start things off right as a new group, celebrating good Friday.  However, by the time Scotty and I (mostly I) figured out he was not going to be better in time, that left me trying to figure out today what to do.  Making last minute calls, figuring out food, enlisting a little bit of help, begging with the woman who bought 13 legs of lamb and prepared them for us when we only needed 5 to let me NOT buy the other 8, coordinating tables and chairs and running other important errands while watching the girls and trying not to be exhausted because Jubilee had the worst night of sleep she's had in months is not making this day "good".  I keep telling myself- today is the day we celebrate Christ's death on the cross for my sins.  Jesus died so I don't have to be a slave to stress and crankiness and being impatient with my children.  Scotty always quotes someone (I can't remember who in this moment): "Preach to yourself, don't listen to yourself."  I've been quite a preacher today, but the message isn't sinking in.  Why can't I feel good today??  Shouldn't it be enough to remember what this holiday is all about?  There is a disconnect in that truth with my life.  Maybe I don't realize how big His sacrifice was.  Maybe I don't realize how big my need for a savior is.  Maybe I'm still trying to make it all work out with my meager resources.  Maybe I think that it's too important how this dinner and celebration time comes together.  Maybe I'm bitter because I can't catch a break these last couple of weeks.  It's good to stop and reflect and be honest with myself.  I'm scared no one is going to be able to step up and lead this night and it'll have to be me! What do I say??  I feel so unprepared- so helpless.  Maybe God has me right where He wants me to be able to show how great He is in my pathetic state.  However I feel, I know He is bigger and more capable and I'm waiting to see how He works His wonders in me and this night.