Oh, what a week!

You wouldn't guess she was so sick here!  She's looked so good, but felt so bad.

Can I just tell you how my emotions have been on a roller coaster this week?  Last Friday, our little peanut started sounding quite congested.  I chalked it up to allergies and normal infant stuff.  But, she was obviously getting worse by the next day, not eating well and sleeping all day.  I called the pediatrician's office and ended up speaking with my neighbor, who is the nurse practitioner there that we see and happens to have a little girl around Natty's age that she plays with from time to time.  How cool of God to line that all up years ahead of time by putting my parent's in this 'hood?  So, I didn't take her in, but Allison told me what to look out for.  Apparently, when wee ones get a cold, it's so much more serious than when older kids or adults get colds.  And, it can be a nasty thing called RSV, which is a more serious virus but completely unpreventable and is cared for in the same way a cold is.  It can also turn into bronchiolitis, which is as scary as it sounds.  So, my heart began turning flip flops as I realized how sick my baby could be and wondered how this happened when I've been so diligent in keeping her inside for the last 3 weeks.  Why why why??  Doesn't God know how hard it is for me to go through anything risky with a baby?  Didn't He just miraculously work all things for good in my body during this pregnancy and allow her to be perfect even though she was early and tiny?  Yes.  But, apparently there is something good in this, too.  So, we wait and watch and watch and wait and I do a fair amount of worrying myself sick.  And praying.  And trying real hard not to be anxious.  The pediatrician is cautious and tells me how it is and how it could be, while hoping for the best.  Several really rough nights go by- nights when we're awake more than asleep and the baby just seems to be inconsolable.  More days go by when I'm weighed down by my concern, punctuated by moments of clarity and faith- when I'm really believing God is going to take care of us.  I can't help but be overwhelmed, again, by the gift of having Allison living down the street.  She stopped by the house to listen to her lungs and count her breaths, several times.  She let me call her on her cell phone any time and even said she'd come down in the middle of the night to check her before we took her to the E.R.- if it came to that.  Amazing.  We've gotten to know the sweet staff at her pediatrician's office well and they know us.  The last two nights, she's seemed to do better.  More sleep, more eating.  But, she also started wheezing a bit last night, which is another indicator that it's becoming harder for her to breathe- a worrisome thing.  This morning she was coughing more and obviously struggling to take a mucus-free breath.  I was worried.  We took her in to have her checked and prayed a lot that God would heal her on the way.  After Allison checked her, she said she sounded better even than she did last night (when she graciously came over to listen)!  I cried from relief.  She told us that she is incredibly impressed and surprised that Jubilee has handled this virus so well.  She said most babies her age and size would have been in the hospital by now.  She doesn't foresee her getting worse at this point, even though she'd still give her through tomorrow to be really watching for respiratory distress.  So, we see again how faithful and kind God is.  He both allowed this sickness into our household (and now half of us have colds!) and has kept it from doing its worst in the body of my tiny daughter.  I know I will continue to struggle with fear until she is all better but I am learning again(why do these lessons never stick??)  how to believe God in all things.  And, when I look on the Desiring God web page yesterday to listen to Pastor Piper's latest sermon- I am not surprised that it's on overcoming your anxiety based on John 14: "Let not your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God; believe also in me."

P.S. This is where I should have cute one-month old pics of little Jubilee, since today is her one-month birthday...  That will have to wait till she's all better and actually awake.

Another day.

On our way out to the butterfly rain forest.

There's a gentle tap of rain drops outside my window tonight.  A brief thunderstorm passed over the house and I had a few minutes to sit out on the back porch and watch the distant lightening light up the sky.  It wasn't completely dark yet- could it have already been past 8 o'clock?  Summer must be coming when the night is that light.  I tried to take a few deep breaths and thank the Lord for all His goodness before going back inside, where I knew Scotty might be waiting for me to take my turn to rock Jubilee and calm her for sleep.  I'm not sure if I totally blocked out Natty's newborn days or if Jubilee is just a bit more difficult.  She seemed harmless enough at first but we are into the third week now and her eating and sleeping haven't improved.  She still gets up about every 2 hours at night and is tough to get back to sleep a good part of the time after that.  Thankfully, she sleeps a good part of the day but nursing is always a challenge as my breast milk has some kind of tranquilizer in it.  I remember that feeling well of wondering if I'll ever be able to do anything else other than take care of the baby.  I remember things getting better, too.  I'm just hoping they do before we make the big move to Charlotte in early April.  I have to give credit to Scotty who always rises to the occasion and takes quite a bit of stress off of me during the night by rocking Jubilee whenever she can't fall back asleep right away.  He's an amazing man and tends to be more patient than me.

I turned 32 on Tuesday.  Really?  I'm still not quite sure I believe it.  I felt blessed that day.  Like I had every reason to be satisfied in the lot that God has given me.  I have a beautiful family and I have a mighty God that loves me and takes care of me.  I missed Zion a lot that day.  My mom cooked me a birthday breakfast and then the rest of the family ate it while I nursed.  Funny how that seems to happen more often than not.  We then went to the butterfly rain forest- more because I would enjoy watching Natty discover the butterflies than for myself.  But, it was a perfect day and all the flowers were in top form.  Baby J slept through it all and I even got in a good nap after we got home.  Scotty and I made a cheese fondue of sorts for dinner and enjoyed a few rare moments of peace and quiet together before we sacked out.  A good day.

Ooooh- it's your birthday!

So, I'll head to bed now and try not to obsess about what the night might look like and how much crying we may be in for and what if she doesn't eat well again.  The morning always comes and there is always more grace and strength for another day.

2 weeks

I can't believe our little baby is 2 weeks old today.  She was due to be C-sectioned yesterday and it was strange to think she had already been with us almost 2 weeks longer than we expected.  I continue to marvel at God's goodness in bringing her to us healthy, despite being a bit earlier than we hoped for.  Really, I marvel at a lot of things these days.  Her birth and life has been such a focus in our family ever since I found out I was pregnant.  The journey was long and I am grateful for each of you who joined us in it through prayer and reading my blog and kind words.  But, that part of the journey is over now.  The waiting, the fight for faith, the doubts, the excitement and anticipation- it's done!  And now we hold in our arms this tiny embodiment of all of that.  Jubilee!  I love to say her name.  It's even more special to me now that it has a face than it was before- even though the meaning of it has been so important.  She's the culmination of things hoped for and the proof that God does love to give His children good gifts.  This isn't to say that Zion's life and death was proof against this.  To enter into that theological conversation is more than I intend for tonight.  However, I do believe that in losing our son, God showed us His perfect love.  And in blessing us with a smooth pregnancy and beautiful, perfect little girl, He also showed us His perfect love.  So, again I feel the depth and the height of the bounty of the Lord in my life and just feel this need to share that with you all who have been such good friends in the last year or so.

So what does life look like with Miss Jubilee?  Very much what I remember the newborn days with Natty being like.  Getting up at night- a lot.  Nursing- A LOT.  Being sleepy but not being sure how much coffee I should drink before it's going to have negative effects on the baby.  Wondering when the days will become predictable.  And, maybe strange for some of you, but common for me- not quite knowing what to do with myself when I do get a spare second.  I feel a lot less stressed than when Natty was a baby.  I don't quite know that I'm doing everything right with feeding and encouraging her to nap- I feel like babies are so hard to read at this age.  But, I'm not freaking out about everything and actually have enough energy to want to do other things- like shop.  But, I'm taking the doctor's recommendation and laying low in the house for about a month to avoid the nasty germs floating around this time of year.  My birthday is next week and I'm trying to think of fun things to do away from crowds to celebrate.  I'm dying to go on a date with my husband, but I'm too lazy to attempt pumping and leaving a bottle.  Plus, it just seems too early to leave the little one yet.  Anyway- that's what's going on in the day to day.  Jubilee looks like quite a serious one, but I'm guessing that's cause she can't smile yet.  She sleeps a ton during the day and has figured out her days and nights but really hates to be laid down awake.  Rocking to sleep is the only way to go (and my amazing husband does that every night in exchange for my time nursing).  She cries little, compared to lots of babies and we'll have to wait and see what else time reveals about her.  Jubilee!!

The birth.

Heading up to the labor ward around midnight.

For several days before Jubilee was born, I had been wondering if I would make it to my pre-scheduled March 12th due date.  My body felt like it was gearing up for birth and although I hoped that it was the sensation some women have for weeks before their babies come, I had a hard time believing I was going to continue on like that for weeks.  As Scotty and I laid down for bed Monday night, he asked if I had the phone numbers I would need for doctors if something happened in the night.  I told him I did, but that I thought things would be fine at least until the morning, at which point I had an appointment already scheduled to see my doctor.  Well, a little before midnight when I got up to use the bathroom, the explosion of my water breaking signaled that we were on our way to meeting our little girl!  I sat in the bathroom, a little shaky, a little nervous, a little excited.  The same thing had happened with Zion- a totally unforeseen, surprising gush of water that left little room for other explanations.  I took a deep breath and called the number where I knew I could ask for a doctor on call and awaited further directions.  We didn't even know exactly how to get to the hospital!  I waited for a bit and finally a female voice picked up and said, "Lisa."  It wasn't a question, it was more of a statement.  "Lisa, this is actually Mags."  Mags!!  Maggie and Joel are friends that we have gotten to know and really enjoy in the small group we started attending at Vineyard.  She's been working for a short time at the hospital where I had planned to deliver and it's been nice to ask all my questions and express my niggling feelings to a friend that happens to also be an OB.  What a happy surprise to hear her voice on the line!  She told me to come in and assured me that my doctor would be notified and he would decide when to come in and do the C-section.  I couldn't help but think of how a friend from church had also been the doctor on call the night Zion was born.  What was God up to here?  We were excited and nervous as we threw our stuff in the car in the middle of the night- the exact scenario I had been praying would not happen.  But, I felt confident that things would turn out well this time.  The hospital was surprisingly busy and we were put in a temporary room, I was checked (only 1 cm dilated) and left to wait until Dr. Duff notified them of his plan.  Mags came back to share the news that he was not available and that she would do the surgery!  Although we were disappointed at first that he would not see the rest of the pregnancy out with us, I could not have wanted anyone other than a friend there and thought it was a fun and sweet little twist that God put on the story.  So, I was prepped and we tried to rest for a few hours while we waited to get into the OR.  My last experience in an OR was not a pleasant one- are they ever, really?  I prayed and prayed to control my nervousness and shaking (I'm sure there's a good reason they keep those places so cold) and felt much better once Scotty came in.  I also felt much better once my legs felt like bricks, as opposed to being able to wiggle my feet around when Zion was born.  That surgery was more painful than it should have been!  I happily distracted myself with Scotty while they cut away, trying not to think about what was happening in front of the green sheet but dying to hear the cry of my baby.  Oh, what a glorious noise!  Scotty told me he heard a faint cry from Zion when he was born, but I was already unconscious and never heard him make a sound.  To hear Jubilee's normal baby cry brought a huge smile to my face and a few sobs as well.  I will never forget that amazing sound.  I couldn't help but laughing and crying at the same time and saw her as soon as she was removed from my womb.  She was a lovely pink, not real big, and perfect.

Fresh out of the womb.

 As always, they whisked her away and all thoughts about anything else dissolved as I thanked God and enjoyed listening to her crying as they checked her out.  Scotty finally came back after a few minutes and I asked if she was doing well and if she had all her fingers and toes (what makes people ask that question, anyway?).  He said, "yeah, she has more than enough!  She has some extras."  What??  No, really- does she have them all?  He says, "she has an extra pinky on each hand!"  What??  Seriously, Scotty!  He assured me that she did in fact have a little extra digit that was not fully formed and didn't include any bone and would be quickly and easily removed a little later.  Weird!  Did she eat her twin?  How does this happen??  We found out later that it is normally a genetic trait that runs in families but there is none of that in either of our families (unless our parents are hiding something from us).  She later had them snipped off and now there is no sign of any sixth digit other than a tiny scab on each finger that is almost healed now.  Craziness.  So, things get wrapped up in the OR and I'm wheeled back to my temporary room and wait impatiently for Scotty to come back.  He comes without the baby, as the nurses had already assured me that in another hour or so I'd be able to see her.  Here, it helps having a friend as the doctor on call.  She pops in and I ask her if I can see Jubilee, at which point she talks to the nurses and escorts Scotty down to the nursery.  He is back shortly wheeling in our little girl!  Oh, she is so incredibly sweet and cuddly and little!  She latches immediately and we have a little nurse before they take us up a few floors to our permanent room upstairs.  The rest is a blur of sweet nurses and staff, interruptions by all manner of hospital people doing their job (including the cheeriest bunch of east European kitchen staff I've ever encountered), less sleep, and getting to know our new baby.  Natty was immediately drawn to her and did lots of happy dancing and singing around the hospital room.  Since then, she hasn't quite known what to do with her, but seems to respond well when I "talk" for Jubilee in a high pitched voice...I suppose she just wants to communicate with her and it's good enough when I do it.  We only had to stay 2 nights and were thrilled to leave with our incredibly healthy little peanut- driving away from the hospital in a fashion so different from that which we experienced with our beloved Zion.  To have it all done, to have reached the end and received the hoped for prize and to have completed this journey of pregnancy is a little surreal.  I can't believe it's over and I'm so glad in many ways that it is.  I've thought back many times over the whole experience- pin-pointing in my mind the details of God's constant faithfulness.  It's overwhelming, really.  It almost seems too good to be true.  I think we would find this a whole lot more with God if we would stop and really think about it.

My kind of morning.

We had one of those mornings that fits somewhere perfectly into a Hallmark greeting card or Sunday night special family movie.  It was in the low '80's and partly sunny with lots of wind and those great big clouds that practically fly by the higher ones that are like stretched out wisps of cotton.  I was busy washing myself or feeding the baby or changing the baby or brushing my teeth or some other endless activity so I asked Natty to ask Daddy to play for a bit.  I felt bad putting her off AGAIN to do something with Jubilee.  Having extra family members constantly around has been an amazing blessing but one that has not helped Natty realize that the world doesn't revolve around her.  Natty wanted to play chalk and in some supernatural lining up of the moon, stars and planets, Scotty and Natty were ready to go out and "do chalk" when Jubilee was fed and sleeping.  So, we all trucked outside with J in her car seat (we need a bouncy seat or something!) and started to play.  Scotty took his shirt off, which made Natty take her shirt off, which made me take my shirt off.

Don't worry, I had a sad looking, white nursing top with breast milk stains on it underneath.  I looked around to make sure that no neighbors were close enough to notice the stains, even though you couldn't miss my 5 month pregnant belly that was only cute when there was a baby in there.  Natty started running around in circles screaming "I'm naked!" and then her and Scotty continued to run wildly around the back yard.  My parents live on about an acre, but part of that land is a shared space with a bunch of other neighbors- a retention pond that rarely fills up.  It makes an awesome green space for running, hitting golf balls, flying kites and being an outdoor stage for the Miser antics.  I'm sure we were breaking any number of HOA rules and other PC code of conduct by letting our 3 year old run around topless.  I didn't care at the moment.  The clouds were rolling by, the wind was blowing, my newborn was sleeping peacefully in her car seat and my amazing husband was taking time to be with his family.  I couldn't help but think about Zion.  I knew there would be a mix of emotions and memories as we welcomed this new member into our family and it has happened here and there and usually when I don't expect it.  This morning I was very aware of his absence and as I spend time snuggling with, smelling, nursing and caring for a precious baby daughter, I am too aware of missing out on all that with my son.  Mixed with the pain is a constant realization that he is even more content than I could ever make Jubilee or him in my arms, but I still miss him.  But, as I watched my funny little girl and my sweet little newborn this morning, I was reminded to be thankful.  And, when I heard Natty cooing to Scotty as he put her down for a nap, "I love my family!", I know it is all worth it.