Birthday girl!

This face pretty much characterizes Natty's entire birthday yesterday.  She woke up and we sang Happy Birthday and Cumpleaños Feliz to her while she bounced up and down on the bed and clapped.  She opened a few presents, we played with them, and then she got on her fancy dress (she never dresses up) and went out for donuts with Daddy.  I decided not to waste my calories on less that adequate Bolivian donuts but then regretted my decision when Scotty got back with a particularly fluffy cinnamon and sugar one.  I got a few bites of each and was satisfied, knowing I would mow down a few pieces of birthday cake later in the day.  For the next few hours Natty opened a few more presents, played with them and ran around like a crazy person.  At one point she randomly said while walking around on her new Melissa and Doug floor puzzle, "This is such a fun day for me!"  I whipped up a cake from my desk chair and Scotty helped me to assemble it into a fish shape during nap time and I wasn't sure I could wait until her friends came over to have a piece.  

There was a strange outburst of wailing at nap time that was very uncharacteristic and honestly, a little scary.  I had to call Scotty home since I can't get up and down much and he laid down with Natty for another half hour and she awoke her normal self..  2 of her best friends showed up and the fun really began.  Then came 2 more, 3 a little later, and an unexpected 4 more from the neighborhood after we had already begun to eat cake.  I was only expecting 4 kids total- but, whatever.  The moms brought more cake and cupcakes and marshmallows and lolly pops and I'm pretty sure Natty ate more sugar in an hour long period than her entire life combined.  There's a lot of peer pressure here to give your kids everything and anything they want, even when Mommy knows it will make them sick later.  I let her eat a majority of what she wanted and she didn't throw up that night, so I guess I did OK.  She had a blast and got some more stuffed animals to add to the mountain she has already and we watched a home video of her first birthday party and I dreamed about having a really little one again.  It was a great day and even though I think we went a little overboard on the presents, it was such a gift to see such joy and enthusiasm in my little girl, especially as she enjoyed all the loving friends God has given her.

Today I've had a lot of alone time.  It's been wonderful.  Scotty's taken Natty out most of the day and I've done a lot of necessary research online, read, slept and eaten left-over birthday cake.  I've been wondering lately why I feel so calm about everything.  A lot of friends here are concerned about how I'm doing emotionally- how I'm handling everything.  I can honestly tell them that I am fine!  Then I think, should I be fine?  Should I be freaking out more?  Am I not letting myself be aware of what could happen and living in a fantasy world??  No.  I know what could happen.  I've been through the absolutely worst case scenario and actually lived through it.  I think I've been through a mom's worst nightmare, but somehow God has made me stronger on the other side.  Not only stronger, but more aware of His strength, of His goodness.  I am choosing not to focus on what could happen, but instead, to believe He has everything under control.  I am remembering that He loves this child more than me and He loves me more than I can understand.  How can you worry when this is clear to you?  I am so grateful to Him for making this clear to me, even when it had to come through the death of a beloved son.  But now, I can go through a complicated, scary pregnancy and be at peace (most of the time).  I can trust that all the numerous details of our time in the states- where we'll live, what doctor we'll have, how I'll make it all happen while on bed rest- will be worked out by His gracious hand.  I will look forward to being witness of how He perfectly works it all out.

Don't waste your bed rest.

A few years ago, John Piper put out a book called Don't Waste Your Life.  It's one that has greatly impacted the Christian community to take stock of what we are living for and think through how to live a  life that as you look back over the years convinces you and others that you have lived to the glory of God.  He wrote an article not too long after that as he was struggling with cancer called Don't Waste Your Cancer, calling each of us to not forget how God fulfills His perfect plans for us through the suffering that we experience.  I'm home from church today, laying on Natty's bed in the sun and listening to a sermon from my pastor Coty in Charlotte that he preached while he and Beth were visiting last month.  I was sick the day he preached, but heard the message was powerful and wanted to hear it as I rest this morning.  Our church is studying the book of Genesis and the passage that Coty covered told the story of how Abraham, in an effort to fulfill his responsibilities before dying, sent his servant to his old country to find a wife for his son Isaac.  Looking at the lives of Abraham, the servant and Rebekah, Coty shows us 4 points that we can follow in order to not waste our life.  As I listened, the most immediate way I can apply them is in not wasting my bed rest.  So, I will pray (number one).  The servant bathed his journey in prayer as he sought out God's perfect plan for a wife for Isaac.  I will pray that God will fulfill His promises in scripture in this time of waiting- that I will feel His constant presence, that I will know He is mighty to do great things in my body and the life of my family, that He will meet every need.  Two, I will act.  Abraham didn't wait for a descendant to happen to take a trip to visit him, bringing the perfect wife in tow.  He sent out his servant to find one and bring her back so that Isaac would not return to the land God called them out of, but remain in the promised land.  My action looks more like lack of action, but that too is action, right?  I have chosen to stop my normal activities, ask my friends and family for help, put my feet up and choose to have a joyful, God-glorifying attitude.  I will act to organize my days, to show my daughter that she is loved and that we trust God in these challenges, to make the most of my downtime by praying, reading God's Word and trying to encourage others.  Three, I will trust God.  All of the characters in this story believed God and believed He would fulfill His promises.  I must trust, as I learned in a new way with Zion, that God is good.  He is love.  He loves my family.  He will take care of us.  He will do what is best for us.  He will never forsake us, no matter what.  And finally, I will give thanks.  How Abraham and his family must have praised and given thanks to the Lord for the way in which He worked out so perfectly the meeting between the servant and Rebekah, the willingness of Laban and the love between Isaac and Rebekah.  I will give thanks for every day that this baby stays safe inside.  I will give thanks for a successful cerclage.  I will give thanks for the numerous amount of people around me that are helping me take care of Natty, visiting, cooking meals and buying groceries.  I will give thanks that I can return to the U.S. where I will receive better medical care.  I will give thanks for the life of this child, for my healthy little girl, for my loving and strong husband, for my supportive family, for God's faithfulness.  I do not want to waste my bed rest.

Bed rest, Day One

Don't worry, I'm not going to write about every day of bed rest. I'm sure it would be even less interesting than actually being on bed rest. But, I do feel that I've had a good start to my official bed rest days and thought I'd give you a little look into my world. First, let me say how awesome, truly amazing, my husband is for getting up early with Natty (something I always did before), fixing me cereal, making lunch and dinner, washing dishes, taking Natty to the bathroom, getting me drinks and snacks and whatever random things I need, AND preparing a sermon. I'm sure there's more in there, but you get the idea. However, I feel like I was fairly productive as well, for someone who sits or lays around about 23 1/3 hours of the day. I was able to find the perfect, cheapest flight back to the states for us last night and spent a good amount of time looking for a reasonable hotel in Miami we could stay one night in. I spent time in the Word, read books to Natty, had a nice chat with a good friend online, wrote some important emails, found a strong leader in the quest for a boy's name (just in case), helped make dinner from Scotty's rolling office chair, took a shower, put puzzles together with Natty and am blog writing! One of the nicest parts of the day was when a new neighbor friend called up and said, "I have some time right now if you want me to come over and look at your sewing machine." I had been in the middle of a simple project when the tension got all messed up (yes, maybe I twisted a screw a lot at some point) and I couldn't fix it. So, she and her husband came over, brought cake, and fixed my machine. While we were chatting, another family from the neighborhood showed up with a loaf of bread and jello (?) and spent about 45 mins with us! I felt so loved and so thankful for these friends who don't mind walking over at anytime to say "hi" and offer their assistance in any way possible. I called a different neighborhood friend this morning to see if Natty could go play with her girls (there was a big strike today- no school) and she said she'd take her for the whole day if we wanted! Wow...such generosity. So, it was a good day and if everyday is like this, I think we'll be alright.

Post-cerclage, Part 2

I was up early at the clinic this morning. It's hard to sleep with all that is swirling around in my head. The nurses seem to have awoken as well- there is clinking and walking and buzzing and ringing outside of my door and I was expecting someone to come in at any moment to pump something else into my arm or give me some other pill to take. And, I was thinking about every day of the rest of this pregnancy and how I was going to do it. Not good. I had a visit from my doctor last night who begged me, several times, to realize how important it is to "take it easy". She explained that upon seeing my cervix, she realized how very short it already is and that I basically need to be a some form of bed rest from now on. I kept asking questions as to what this means: could I shower? could I cook? could I leave the house? She gave me permission to leave the house maybe once a week for Scotty to take me for a drive. But basically, I need to lay down wherever I am and try not to get up or walk around most of the day. How does one do this??? I have an almost 3 year old who needs me and wants things and wants to play. What if she needs my help in the bathroom? What if I forgot to get something out of my room that I needed? The feeling that I've already been experiencing of being slightly nervous about every movement I make is just going to intensify. And how do I go to the park for Natty's birthday party next week?! That's something that will be very sad to miss. And that brings up this whole other topic- missing things. We're leaving for the states in a month and a half. I've dreamed of spending time with my family at the library, stores, restaurants we like, parks, etc... I'm going to miss all of that! Instead, I'll be confined to the house- to the couch. Yes, this does very much sound like complaining to me too. Please know these are the first moments of this news really starting to settle in and it's a pretty hard blow to take. I have a lot of work to do to really change my perspective on this pregnancy. With Natty, I lived a very normal, active lifestyle and had no problems. With Zion, the same until unexpected, sudden things started happening at 28 weeks. It's very hard to grasp an entire pregnancy of limits, pretty strict limits. But, I've already realized as I did before that I'm just going to have to take things a day at a time. I want to be thankful for the new child God has given us and make myself resolute in doing whatever it takes, at whatever cost to me and my family, for this baby to be born healthy. As I say that, however, I balk at the idea of my husband and daughter suffering because of my limitations. I will not be available for Natty like she would want me to be or like I want to be. I will have to call upon Scotty to do far more than he already does for us, which is quite a bit. They, too, will have to sacrifice. There's a verse people quote from the Bible quite frequently that says something about God not giving you more than you can bear. That verse does not exist. I think they're thinking of 1 Corinthians 10:13, which says something different. God gives us things we can't bear all the time so that we will come to Him and let Him bear them for us. This is one of those times the Lord is asking me again to come to Him and let Him take this burden and give me a greater portion of grace to thrive in this situation. I'm not sure how we'll do it but I know this isn't as surprising to Him as it is to me and He's got something worked out already. I must rest in that and know that He cares for my family more than I can. Thanks for listening to me work out what are my first thoughts of all of this...they probably aren't too pretty.

Post-cerclage, Part 1

I'm sitting in the hospital bed with the constant banging of construction outside of my window. But, I am comfy (although quite hungry) and have a TV and wi-fi so it doesn't get much better than this if you have to be in the clinic. The procedure was a bit rough, a bit scary, but went fine as far as I'm aware. My doctor only commented to me that my cervix is quite short and I'm really going to need to take it easy. When I find out what that means, exactly, it will probably be reported in part 2 of this post. For now, I am scanning back through a biography I just read the other day when I was stuck in the blockades on Horatio Spafford who wrote the hymn, It is Well With My Soul. This hymn has impacted me more in the last year than ever before, as I resonate with this man's choice to believe God is good and loving in the face of severe suffering. My loss is nothing compared with the 5 children he lost and other persecutions he faced (from the Christian community, no less!). But, we have shared the same sadness, the same questions, the same process of coming to trust again in the Lord's complete control and loving kindness in our lives. I have sang the words of that song to myself many times, desiring to bring my soul again to a place of rest and faith when things are scary and out of my control. Like right now... The surgery is over but the fear that I will bleed and lose the baby or have to be on bed rest for 6 months and not be able to get out and enjoy the glories of the US that I love so much (nice parks, libraries, church!) threaten to get a hold of my mind and bring me to a dark place. So, as I have done almost every day of this pregnancy so far, I fight to control my thoughts and think on whatever is true and lovely and noble, realizing overall is the perfect plan of God that can not be thwarted. I am grateful for friends here that are willing to do anything for me, for neighbors who worry excessively (a bit too much at times) about me and offer to do anything they can, including coming to our apartment at 6:30 this morning to stay with Natty while we came to the hospital. Once again, I see God's hand in surrounding us with this amazing community that we too often fail to appreciate enough until we become dependent on them. So, thanks again for praying, and I'll keep you updated!

Another big adventure

So, I leave Natty once again with Feli this morning for a "quick" trip to the city to drop off some stuff with the doctor. I find it strange that there isn't a whole lot of public transportation going into the city and decide to take one of the slower options cause I just need to get there. As we approach one of the major highways that all the buses take to get up into the city, there is a large march happening. I chuckle/groan inwardly at how easy it is for whomever to take over a major highway to protest whatever the flavor of the month is. We take some side roads and make it relatively quickly into the city. Then, I wait for eons for my doctor, learn some unsettling news (like I'll be at least one night, if not two in the clinic after my cerclage), and then head back out to grab public transport down. It's past lunch at this point, so I call Feli to tell her I'm on my way. As we approach the same section of town where there were marches, things get hairy. Now, all traffic is turning off the main road and creeping even higher up the side of the mountain to find back roads. Traffic quickly congests and the combo of a police truck 2 vehicles ahead, filled with armed, shielded police men and my bus driver turning off his engine make me think we're not getting anywhere soon, and I'm not sure I want to get where I'm going anyway if these heavily clad cops have anything to do with it. The minibus becomes silent except for the occasional grumbles of the driver saying that traffic isn't moving and it's not going up or down the intersecting street we are trying to reach. I hop off with some other passengers, hoping that nearby there'll be a break in the traffic where I can grab a cab. As I head down to the main avenue, I notice that all cars, everywhere, have stopped. People have turned off their motors and passengers from most public transport vehicles are spilling out onto the streets and wandering about like ants who have just had water thrown on their hill. I head in the direction of my car, about a mile or so down the road. As I walk, I realize that walking a mile, under normal circumstances, would have been quite pleasant, but is not a major "no-no" according to my doctor. I'm paranoid to walk to the little store around the corner from my house so this trek seems like too much. I call Scotty, who is far off in the jungle, to inform him of the chaos. Without even realizing it, God had worked things out ahead of time (as He does so well) to have me pop out right about at the street where one of our missionary families live. Scotty tells me not to walk to the car, but to walk to their house. So, I head up, noticing a large crowd of angry looking Bolivians holding signs and yelling obscenities...small children in tow. I stand a half block away, wondering if I should ask the phone repairmen next to me if they think it's wise to cross through. I decide to pray and walk quickly, not making eye contact. They ignore me as I hike uphill and turn a corner onto our friends' street. I'm praying they're home, realizing that after I hung up with Scotty, my phone was out of credit and there was no way to call anyone else. I ring the doorbell and the happy face of Kep pops out and invites me in with a smile, offers me lunch and refuge for as long as necessary. Hooray! So, I spend the next 3 hours or so with them, eating, reading, chatting and really wanting to be home with Natty. Periodically, we look outside their front door to see cars lining the streets at a dead standstill. An hour later, some of those guys have parked on the sidewalk and left their cars. Debbie takes a few of them who have been trying to get home to lunch for 2 hours some chocolate cake. She walks to the corner and finds the protesters have taken to sitting in the middle of the street and there is not a single back street that has not been blocked. This is pretty rare for this area of town and we're surprised by how no one seemed to know this was going to happen (usually blockades are actually advertised ahead of time, which I find amusing) and how well it was organized. Finally, Kep decides they need to start walking to the place they're supposed to be in an hour and Debbie reminds him that I'm kinda just stuck since I can't walk too far. He takes off to try to find an open spot and a free taxi and calls shortly to tell us he's got one reserved. We head out through the protesters again, the streets are littered with confetti and trash and people are still out in mass, heading every which way. Police have managed to get the protesters out of the main avenue and traffic is trickling through. We hit another mass of either protesters or people looking for rides a block down and then manage to cross through what normally is a busy intersection, but now is grid-locked. Thankfully, the direction we were going was not of interest to anyone- our lane was clear and the one going in the opposite direction was bumper to bumper of motionless vehicles. So, we make it to the taxi without having to walk too far and I'm off safely to my car which is parked in a part of town where there is next to never any issues. Then, I'm home 15 minutes later and so happy!! I left Natty at 9:30 in the morning, telling her I wouldn't be long and end up home by 4:30 in the afternoon. I've seen, tried to pass and been turned back by blockades before, but I think this is the first time I've been stuck in the middle of one! Hopefully, it will be the last for a while.

Big victories

I'm scheduled for a cerclage on Wednesday. For those of you who don't know what that is, I'll spare you the details and let you google it for yourself. A few weeks ago when I had my check-up with my OBGYN, she mentioned I would need a blood test and an ultrasound before we do the cerclage. However, she didn't bother to tell me what kind of blood test or give me any information regarding it. There's no call you receive from the dr.'s office to follow up with your upcoming procedure and make sure you have what you need in order. There's just you- making sure you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. So, I called my dr. this week to ask her what blood test I needed, since I wanted to be sure I had plenty of time to have the test done and receive the results before Wednesday morning. She's in a conference and won't be around until Monday, the voice on her cell phone informs me. Hmmm...that only leaves 2 days before the procedure for me to have the blood drawn and tested. Initially, I thought I'd wait and do what I could Monday, but my fore planning nature got the best of me and I decided to call the voice again and see what she could do for me. Now, before I continue on, the point of this blog is that all of this is a bit intimidating to me. All these interactions are done in Spanish and are a bit out of my comfort zone, as sometimes I'm not sure what or who to ask and how much to persist in trying to figure out what is supposed to be going on. On that note, I continue. So the voice explains that she's just the secretary (after I asked her if she was a doctor) and she gave me the number of the doctor who is taking my doctor's emergency calls this week. I call him and just as I'm about to hang up after a dozen rings, he answers, surely still in bed. I ask if he is the dr. I am looking for. He affirms, snorts a bit of phlegm into the voice piece (is that necessary?) and asks what I want. I explain that I am a patient of my doctor, that I'm having a cerclage on Wednesday, that I know I need a blood test, but I don't know which one. Would he happen to know?? (This is sounding even more ridiculous as I type). He's quiet for a moment, says he has no idea, and then guesses that it must be a standard, pre-op set of tests. He rattles them off to me (this is where my Spanish becomes quite lacking) and I ask if he can call my lab and dictate those to them. He tells me to have them call him when I get there. So, in the car, to the lab. Then, I'm sitting in front of the secretary in the lab saying, "I need a blood test. You have to call this doctor and explain to him that I am a patient of Dr. Zelada and am having a cerclage and he will tell you what I need. No, he doesn't know my name, but I just talked to him this morning. He is covering her patients while she's in a conference. No, I'm not sure if these are the tests that I need, I didn't really understand what he told me." Oh, my. She tries to call, but he doesn't answer. She says they'll take enough blood to do all the tests and then confirm with him later. So, while I'm getting stuck, I hear her on the phone confirming and all is worked out. Praise God! And, I find out it will be ready by tomorrow morning. So, I actually could have waited until my doctor was back in the office to tell me for sure what she wanted, but this way I can take up all of what I have for her to see on Monday and have everything set for the big day.

This was a huge accomplishment for me. To overcome my fear of talking to random doctors who don't know me and try to explain my unique situation is a big deal for me. Scotty is out of town and I'm feeling nervous about leading women's Bible study tonight, but I managed to make it happen and now I feel relief. Yay for the big victories.

Today.

It's been a while since I've left Mallasilla. Maybe about a week or so? I get to where I just feel so worn out that I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything away from home. Which means I've been in the house with Natty...A LOT. We've gone downstairs a few times to play in the bucket of water and once took a short walk to the nearby park, but I'm a bit limited physically in this pregnancy, so I haven't ventured to do much that requires a lot of effort. Today I decided I would leave her with our wonderful house help and make a short trip to the grocery store. What a relaxing trip! The weather is warmer now and the store is mostly empty mid-morning. I had a quiet drive there and then wandered leisurely up and down the aisles, mostly convincing myself I didn't need chocolate or ice cream or any other junk in the house. Then I rang up, had the bag boy carry the groceries to the car, and quietly drove home. I love being alone and quiet! My soul yearns for that time away from everything, even if it's just a 10 minute drive in the car. Sometimes I wonder if I don't enjoy being away from people too much. It can clash with ministry opportunities from time to time.

So, I continue to experience a lot of mental battles with regards to the pregnancy. I realized the other day that I was focusing so much on the "what ifs?" of the future that I wasn't noticing that God was giving me each day so far without complication. So, I made a mental note to begin each day asking the Lord to protect my unborn child and ending each day with thanks for doing just that. And, trying very hard not to think about anything any further than today. That has been very helpful and taken away a fair amount of concern. And, I must thank God for continually giving me renewed faith in His love and concern for us. My greatest desire, as with Zion, is that He will be seen as glorious through the journey with this new life.