Wrestling and Learning

Loss strips you. It takes away the superficial pillars that you leaned on for happiness. It makes you question everything you always thought you believed but when tested by fire, you realize how shallow that belief was because it was never tried. It makes you realize that maybe your hope was not where you thought it was but was mostly based on your situation, the blessings God had given you, or the people around you that made you content. It's like God removes the false front of your life that you always thought was real and shows you the disaster that was behind and then asks you if you still trust Him. And sometimes the front is your true reality, it's the only thing you've experienced, it's valid. But, maybe it's not meant to last. Maybe you need Someone to show you that your faith isn't as deep as you thought or give you the opportunity to make it more firm and lasting. Ever since Zion died, I've been wrestling with questions about who God is and how He interacts with His children. I'm asking Him and myself questions that I thought I had answered. I believe He is in control and totally sovereign and ordains all events- so how does that truth also blend with the truth that He is good and loving? Although I know it is a mystery we won't ever fully understand on this side of eternity, I know these things go hand in hand without contradicting each other. But, I don't always feel that way. There's a song we keep singing at church lately that I can only sing half off. The beginning talks about spending one moment with God and how it doesn't matter what happens or what we have to wait for if we can just spend a moment with Him. I don't agree. It DOES matter what I go through- it does matter what I have to wait for. If someone had asked the writer of that song, "would you be willing to sacrifice your son for one moment with the Lord?" I'm pretty sure he would not answer, "it doesn't matter- as long as I get my one moment." So, I have a hard time with that and I ask myself, "is that wrong?" Is it wrong to not want to give up my loved ones? Does God ask us to give up our loved ones to spend a moment with Him? Thankfully, He doesn't always. He freely gives of Himself whether we sacrifice or not. It is not a result of what we do, but of His grace. However, I know that He has asked a great thing of us in giving Zion. I was wondering as I tried to sleep last night how taking Zion was part of a loving plan. I believe God loves me, but I am desperately trying to understand that love in the death of my son. It dawned on me that maybe God is using my child to try to teach true happiness- which is a loving thing. As long as my happiness is based on my relationships, the health of those I love, how easy life is- I will be disappointed. If I begin to realize that God's glory is my ultimate good and joy (Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever- Westminster Shorter Catechism), than that is a good and loving lesson to teach me. And, I know that the Lord has formed every one of us and numbered our days. He numbered Zion's days to 18 and when he reached that number, his purpose was complete. He was used for a noble purpose- for many that I might never know. But, I believe loving me by showing me that my happiness might have been put in the wrong place, was one. I don't want to miss the purpose God had in taking my son. To know that He died, but not allow myself to ever see any good in the situation, would be accepting that Zion died in vain. This would be a truly tragic reality. However, my hope is that God will continue to redeem the short life of Zion by using Him for His great and wonderful purposes- in my life and in the lives of others.