Music

We got home from a short trip to Lake Titicaca this afternoon. Leaving yesterday mid-morning, we were excited to introduce our parents to this beautiful, enormous lake that has always been one of our favorite places to go for short little trips outside the city. We were praying for good weather, as it is rainy season now, and it's cold and not so pretty at the lake when it's raining. We had a mix of both and a nice time of relaxing, throwing rocks in the lake (Natty's favorite pastime) and Scotty and I did a tough hike to the top of a nearby hill. We had yummy, fresh trout and generally enjoyed the beauty of the Andes of Bolivia.

Tonight we're all pooped and I decided to take some time to myself to read and listen to a few of the new CD's that dear friends sent me for Christmas. One is JJ Heller's "When I'm With You". I noticed when I first got it, as I was reading the lyrics before actually hearing the music, that there was a song she had written for a little girl baby who had died shortly after birth. I found the blog about Olivianna and have related much to the families struggles and grief in the time after they lost their precious daughter. Tonight I listened to the song and found it could have been written for my Zion, just changing the name and the length of time spent on earth. It was so very hard to hear but so good, too. When life gets busy, the freshness and reality of my son can fade a little, even though the emptiness remains. Sometimes I need that new reminder of how real he was/is to match up with the hurt that remains in my heart for things to feel right- somehow. Appropriately, the next song on the CD is called "No Fight Left". The lyrics perfectly describe how I often feel:

"It's hard to tell if my eyes are open

when all I see is dark.

And it's easy, it's easy to lose my step...

There is no fight left on the inside

But maybe that's where I should be

I've given up trying

I'm giving it all to you

And I used to dream of a life so lovely

there'd be no room for tears

Now letting go, yeah,

letting go is the hardest part..."

Letting go is the hardest part. Isn't that right? I don't ever want to let go of Zion. Sometimes I fear that his memory is being lost or that by being more busy than sad, I am erasing his valuable existence... I know that God does not ask me to give up the memory of or love for my son, but my desire to control how it all turns out. My thoughts are a bit of a jumble tonight...I just miss Zion.