Book signing and impatience.

Back up to sign the adoption book today.  This time we left Natty at school and Jubilee at home with our house helper.  I took the city bus up to meet Scotty and we walked the 14 blocks or so up the hill to the judicial office.  I managed to snap a picture this time, hoping I wouldn't offend anyone.

Judicial office dealing with issues regarding persons underage.

 I was wrong!  There are computers!  While that made me feel more hopeful about the general organization, the fact that it's taking FOREVER for our lawyer to find the necessary staff people to make our next interview date is frustrating.  I never cease to amaze myself with my own lack of patience.  I talked to the lawyer on the phone while I waited for Scotty to meet me, wondering if there was anything we could do while we were there, and she told me she needs to talk in person to the right people and that she hasn't been able to "find them".  I always have an inner dialogue that says something unhelpful like, "so the fact that we went up there over a week ago to start things up isn't enough time for you to have made the appropriate contact with the social worker?"  Instead, I chose to say, "Ok.  Well, let me know when you are able to talk with her."  I then asked about some other specific paperwork she had mentioned we needed and she said we could start working on that next week while the judicial office looks over our papers from the child and family services.  Last week she was telling me that we'd have an appointment this week and now she's saying that next week they'll still be looking over things that need to be seen before we can take the next step.  ARGH.  So, off we go to grab a snack before heading back down the hill to pick up Natty from school.  There was a mix-up at the cafe where we went and the waitress apparently didn't hear me order.  When she brought Scotty his cheesecake and espresso, I asked about my orange juice and she said, "No.  You didn't order anything."  But imagine the condescending way a parent talks to a child when they're frustrated with them.  That's kinda how she made me feel.  So, I gritted my teeth and said, "Ok. That's fine."  Time did not permit me to wait for my OJ.  So, we got our book signed this morning- score on the adoption front!  But, I got a bit of a smack up side my head as far as my impatience shining through.  Part of me wants to know why we have to frequently deal with poor communication and people not doing what they've said they will do when they said they will do it (don't get me started on our architect) and then part of me wonders why my character is so unrefined as I watch my reactions.  I suppose the first is part of the process of changing the second.  I wish it could be a bit more painless.

One step closer.

Today is the day we've been waiting for since we've gotten back from the states…the day we finally get things rolling again with the adoption.  Our lawyer asked us to meet her downtown where the presidential palace is so she could take us directly to the building where any legal cases involving minors are handled.  We piled the girls in the car and drove down the hill to where the new city bus stops to pick up passengers.  Natty was excited to ride the bus for the first time and I was happy to know that it would be a relatively quick (25 mins.) trip downtown with minimal stops.  The new buses actually have specific stops and won't just stop and pick up passengers wherever, like most of the public transport.  It was full today and after an elderly woman started to stand to give me and Jubilee her seat, a young man got the idea and got up instead.  We were able to sit with Natty smashed against me and Scotty close behind her in the aisle.  The sun was streaming in the windows and the bus was heating up nicely inside- maybe a bit more nicely than was comfortable.  But, before long we were downtown and jumped off the bus, greeted by the picturesque sight of Mount Illimani covered in snow and some dark clouds starting to accumulate around, threatening to be another strangely cloudy afternoon in this very dry season.  We hoofed it uphill for about 7 or 8 blocks, holding tightly to the girls' hands and dodging the pedestrian traffic that was in top gear all around us.  After running across a few busy streets and up some more hills, we finally made it to the beautiful cathedral in the plaza where our lawyer had already arrived.  She led us up another few blocks to an unmarked building where the judicial office awaited us.  Up a few flights of stairs, scooting around yet some more people in a hurry, down a narrow hallway, to an office with a cartoon Dalmatian stuck to the door.  What I saw inside was not encouraging, but fairly typical.  A few guys sat at small desks with hundreds of manilla folders stacked up on shelves all around them, spilling over with the papers inside.  They had brightly colored tags taped to each- some sort of organization system, I'm sure.  I don't think there was a computer in sight.  This is where all the records for each orphan is kept, not to mention other matters pertaining to anything domestic regarding children.  How in the world do they keep track of it all?  How will they keep track of our papers? And, even more important, no wonder there are so many children waiting in orphanages without papers completed so that they can be adopted.  It made me so sad to see that reality,  right there, in front of my face.  There just isn't enough man-power to get it done.  I sat on the floor with the girls outside the office and tried to help them understand the reality of these children without families.  I'm finding Natty less empathetic these days than a mommy would like to see and she's not overly excited about welcoming a little boy into the family either.  I'm trying to help her understand how badly these children need a home with parents to love them and a message of hope offered to them.  I took her inside and held her up over the counter so she could see the mountains of paperwork.  Hopefully, the Lord will get that message to her heart before long.  So, we signed a few things and the lawyer assured us that within a week or two we will have our final interview with this team, get a couple more background checks, and we'll be done.  She also showed us a notebook filled with lined paper and our name scratched at the top.  She said that each week, until we receive our son, we need to come down to this office to sign our names again.  And again.  And again.  It's how they'll know you're still interested, she explained.  So, we have a standing date each week to make the journey downtown, wind our way up to the office, sign our names and be on our way.  For as long as it takes.

After the legal office, we went to feed pigeons in the plaza.  Guess they thought Scotty was a statue...

So. Many. Pigeons.

Are we still considering adoption?

We've had a fair number of people ask if we're still planning on adopting and where we are in the process.  Honestly, when we left here in March, I had to leave behind my hope that we had a child here waiting for us.  It was like a loss because I had already become somewhat attached to this little Bolivian boy that I had never met but was so sure God had hand-picked for us.  But, I knew that Scotty was pretty convinced he never wanted to come back here and I didn't know what the future held.  I tried not to think about it too much because the thought of leaving one of my children behind was too hard to face.  As we dealt with the present crisis of burn-out and how to find healing, adoption got pushed to the back of my mind and heart for a while.  Then we came back to La Paz, after God did an amazing work in both of our hearts, and I knew that I would have to re-open the issue of adoption.  Were we ready?  Did I still want to go through with it?  Could I handle the needs of a third child when it seemed like my first was going through a phase I barely had the strength or wisdom to adequately deal with?  I was in a place of doubt and I began to ask the Lord to make it clear to me again what He had once made so plain in the past.  I shared honestly my fears with Scotty.  What if he's an angry child?  What if he doesn't click with us or the girls?  What if he breaks our hearts?  There are so many questions and no definite answers.  But, in God's mercy, He began to show me the selfishness of my fears and remind me of His call on our family.  He gently brought me back to a place of trust in Him, no matter who He chooses to bring to us.  He made it clear once again that adoption is a part of our family make-up.  And I began to read books on adoption that helped me to see that the resources and tools that are available will be of such advantage to us.  We are not alone and He will provide what we need to face new challenges.
We had a baby dedication at church on Sunday.  As I watched this sweet family holding their little girl before the congregation and before the Lord, I had this strange mix of feelings wash over me.  Almost at the same time I thought about Zion and what the Lord taught me about really giving our children back to Him and confessing that He is Lord over their lives, and also I thought about our future son and the joy of one day standing in that place before our church family committing him to to his heavenly Father.  There was such joyous expectation and also pain together.  There's a book that Natty has called the Hello, Good-bye Window.   In it, a little girl talks about how when her parents come to pick her up from Nana and Poppy's house, she is so happy to see them, but also sad that she has to say good-bye to her grandparents.  She says something to the effect of, "you can be happy and sad at the same time, you know."  I love how that book admits something so common for all of us- something that we experience so frequently but never quite understand.  God in His greatness and mysteriousness is so full of these tensions.  One thing I do know, I am so excited to meet our little one.

God's sovereignty over errands.

So, this morning I took Jubilee to a much needed visit to the clinic to get a vaccine that she is almost a year behind on.  I've been waiting to do it and was sent specifically to the clinic by my pediatrician because she had run out of the vaccine.  When we got to the clinic, there was only one baby ahead of us, but it still took about half an hour before it was our turn.  When I got into the room, the nurse informed me that they don't have that vaccine either.  She did have one of the others that Jubilee is overdue for, but I didn't have enough money on me to purchase it and there is no way of paying a part now and the rest later.  I didn't work too hard to hide my frustration from the nurse and left struggling with aggravation that I was kept, again, from getting the shot that Jubilee has needed for so long.  Scotty then called and told me that his errand he had driven across town with Natty for, had also failed. I managed to get the chicken I needed from the chicken lady, but then got another call saying the vegetable order I had put in to get my weeks worth of vegetables didn't go through.  I had just left a large market area where I could have picked up the vegetables, if I had only gotten the call 10 minutes earlier.

Why do I tell you all this?  One, to confess how easily my heart can turn to bitterness and anger in small things.  Also, because from the time I experienced the first disappointment, I remembered what God has been speaking through various pastors in these last few weeks from the book of Ester.  The issue of God's sovereignty has been hit hard and we've been convinced that all the little details of Ester's life, including the wrong decisions made by her and the people around her, were necessary to fulfill the overarching and greater plan ordained by the Lord.  His purposes are good and perfect and in this mysterious control that He has over all things, He chooses to use all sorts of stuff to bring about His will.  For some reason, it seems easier to trust in this in bigger events in life- like when my kids are sick or some trip doesn't work out.  I suppose because it's more obvious that I don't have the control.  But, buying vegetables and getting vaccines seems like something I have control over and so it irritates me more when I can't make it happen.  I am fighting to believe that even in those seemingly insignificant things, God has a reason for the way it works out.  May He give me the strength and the faith to believe.

The ideal short-term team.

The DGCC team:  deep thinking, light-hearted, ready for anything, funny, patient, loving, self-sacrificing.  We could not have asked for a better group to come spend 10 days with us.  As someone who often needs some space from people, I didn't find myself yearning for them to go.  I liked waking up to these people in my house.  I liked going to bed knowing that some of them were still sitting on my couch whats-apping their loved ones.  I knew that if something went wrong (like no running water in the house), they wouldn't flinch.  We took them to the cable cars, grocery shopping, mountain climbing, errand running, tourist shopping, soccer game watching and eating out.  They served us at our SIM spiritual life conference by preaching a challenging and encouraging word, leading us in worship, loving on and playing with our kids, meeting our colleagues and generally joining in the fun.  Natty fell in love with a few young men on this team.  Jubilee was just happy to have more people to laugh at her antics.  I had a cooking and dish-washing partner who also happens to be a great conversationalist/encourager/friend.  We are so grateful.  And we miss you, Coty, Beth, Joel, Albert, Ty, and Luke!