The steadfast love of the Lord.

Have I ever mentioned how I love those Psalms where David spends some time cataloging his woes and wondering where God is?  It's nice to know even the man after God's own heart had some moments of complaining.  Do you mind if I take a moment to do that, too?  Sorry my words are probably not divinely inspired quite like David's...

Since we've come to Charlotte, Jubilee has managed to stretch out her night and day feedings just a bit, but she's added in this fun twist of fussing and grunting and making all manner of unhappy noises and crying in between feeds...which has us up at least as much as before.  I think she's starting to have some gas issues that contribute to this.  Well, she had a particularly difficult bout of this on the night that I found out I had mastitis again.  Add to that the fact that she somehow stopped realizing how to use the paci and now slurps and sucks unsuccessfully, gulping in lots of air and dropping it repeatedly from her mouth.  Hence, the gas. And, that seems to have transferred to breast feeding, where she is now struggling to get a good latch a portion of the time.  Thankfully, I think she's still doing well enough to not worry me that she's not getting enough milk but there is definitely more soreness.  Then, yesterday is the cherry on the sundae.  Scotty and I notice she is getting a bit yellow- strange for a baby that is no longer technically a newborn.  We are able to get her in to the doctor where she had a new patient visit scheduled for next week.  They look at her, ask a bunch of questions and take some blood.  That was oh so sad and she temporarily lost her yellow hue for more of a purplish red induced by a heart-wrenching crying jag.  So, I call this morning (3 times) before I manage to finally get an answer about the result (after waiting last night for the promised lab result call) and the nurse nonchalantly mentions that the levels of bilirubin are slightly elevated and the doctor recommends stopping breastfeeding for 48 hours and then reevaluating her next week.  What?!  At this point, my mind is spinning trying to absorb this info and I'm wondering how in the world I'm going to pump for 2 days with my single hand pump which usually pulls out about an ounce, if I'm lucky, and still manage to have enough milk to breastfeed.  I hang up, cry and immediately start looking online.  Oh, that's after I get Scotty into go mode and send him on a hunt for formula and a Radio Shack to try to fix my old electric double pump and get back all within the hour when Jubilee needs to eat next.  Yeah, right.  So, I see online that breastfeeding jaundice is usually not harmful and is best treated by breastfeeding MORE frequently in order to flush out the extra bilirubin.  Rarely, I read, is it helpful to stop breastfeeding unless the levels are really high and they want to bring them down quickly.  And, if you do stop breastfeeding, it's only for 24 hours.  So, then I get on the phone with Shelli, my go-to medical informant and highly skilled encourager/calmer-downer.  Leave message.  Then I call my nurse practitioner friend in Gainesville.  Leave message.  Then I call a woman I don't even know who is a friend of a friend who is a lactation consultant.  I'll need someone to coach me in how to be a better pumper.  She'll call me back.  Then I pray.  Probably should have done that first.  But, I hold Jubilee and pray and try not to freak out and go find Natty who is playing with a little boy that came over and wait for all my peeps to call back.  This is where I'll try to shorten things.  Friends call back and we decide a) don't take the advice of the pediatrician; b) keep nursing and get things checked again next week; and c) find a new pediatrician quickly.  Beth and a sweet friend from church were downstairs when I went to go get Jubilee's bathing bucket after all this had been worked out.  I relayed what had happened, cried, had lots of sympathy and got some prayer.  My emotions had been all over the place this morning and I was incredibly scared about trying to stop breastfeeding and didn't even like the idea of being physically unattached from my baby for that long.  I'm just now, as I type, starting to feel a more full release from this stress.  We have really been through a lot with this little girl in the last 8 weeks!

So, now that I've vented, let's move on.  At the end of those whining Psalms there is always a remembrance of God's goodness, His faithfulness, His steadfast love.  Let's take a look at that in this situation, shall we?  So, the first thing is that I was able to get into a new practice the same day for Baby J to get looked at.  Second, even though I really wanted to know that night what the diagnosis was, if I had received that call, Scotty would have had to go out in the late evening to find formula and I would have spent all night worrying and trying to manually pump something, probably ending in lots of frustration and tears.  Third, I have friends that I trust who are smart, call me back quickly, and actually care about me and my baby.  And, they give great, trustworthy medical advice.  Forth, although maybe first in priority, I have a husband who will drop everything to help me and support me.  Fifth, the bilirubin levels were low enough that I could safely continue to breastfeed and wait until her next appointment to be rechecked.  This is awesome news.  Sixth, I am staying with an amazingly loving family who will hug me and sympathize and another friend happened to be here who held me and prayed and gave me the name of her beloved nurse practitioner/lactation consultant.  Those are just the things I'm aware of.  Oh, yeah- and I was able to call the friend who delivered Jubilee as soon as I realized I was getting mastitis again and have her call in some meds.  So, God shows Himself faithful and present as always and although I am still a little bit weighed down by some latch issues and a little uncertain of what might happen in the next week with Jubilee's jaundice (there's still a small possibility that it could be something more serious that will present itself later)- I am grateful.  And a little bit exhausted.

A new place.

Well, we've landed in Charlotte after a long stay in Gainesville.  I knew once we got here, it would start to feel like the beginning of the end of our time in the US.  We only have 6 weeks here and already the time is moving quickly.  We hope to reconnect with friends and supporters and enjoy our beloved Desiring God Community Church.  Coty and Beth, the pastor and his wife, have graciously welcomed us into their home- feeding us, helping us with baby, playing with Natty and generally loving us in the special way that they do so well.  I am getting inspired again to cook when we return to Bolivia through Beth's delicious and nutritious home-cooked meals.  We love this family!  Natty has had a bit of a rough transition and I think generally is probably feeling similarly to us- a bit tired of transition and not being in our own home with routine.  Well, that's a bit of what I'm feeling, at least.

 Jubilee continues to stump me with her wacky non-schedule and eating needs.  I never quite know what to expect with her!  But, she's getting chunkier and cuter each day and we love that she's joined our family.  I continually waver back and forth between feeling like she should be slipping into some sort of routine and understanding that there's only so much I can do to help when we are in and out and there's another little girl that has needs too.  The books talk about what they are capable of doing at this age and how you can help them, but I find that it doesn't always play out like that in real life and when it doesn't, I feel like I'm somehow doing something wrong.  But, realistically, I just don't have the time or energy to focus 100% on her like I did with Natty.  And, I'm pretty sure her personality is not one that is going to jive with what the books say.  So, I'm trying to remain positive and trust that I'm taking care of her as best as I can and that eventually we will figure things out.  Until then, Scotty continues to be my faithful helper, both with her and Natty.  I'm also feeling a bit of tension because I know that I need to be in the Word every day to combat the occasional overwhelming emotions that pull me away from focusing on Christ.  This is a hard thing to accomplish with all that is going on- but how desperately I need it as I tend to get frustrated with a cranky 3 year old and a baby that is pretty needy.  But, how do you do  it when those 2 people take up most of the day and spare moments are few and far between (and there always seems to be something more "pressing" to do)?  I know well this is the plight of all moms with little ones.  Any advice that doesn't include waking up earlier than I already do?

Well, it seems as though there is a lot more to say and probably something a bit more interesting to relate, but I just don't have the time.  I'll leave you with a sweet picture I took last night after a particularly traumatic feeding when Jubilee wailed and gnashed her teeth/gums, turned her whole body red and almost woke the whole house because she was SO HUNGRY.  This is what she looked like after her meal: 

If you were wondering...

If you were wondering how things were going with Jubilee, I'm taking some time tonight, when I'd normally be trying to sleep, to update the blog.  I'll probably regret it tomorrow, but it's the first time I don't feel absolutely exhausted and this is the only thing I can handle doing right now.  Jubilee is a newborn- truly.  I don't know if it's cause she was born so small or had a 2 week viral set back or I just have wrong expectations, but I thought things would have started to get a tinsy bit easier.  She still eats every 2 hours in the day time and is just now throwing in a few 3 hour stretches at night (along with 2 hours).  I've felt a bit trapped since she got sick because she has not been allowed out, not even outside.  So, the couple of times I have attempted to get out and do something has gone like this.  Nurse the baby while trying to convince her that she needs to hurry and not dawdle because I have places (place) to go.  Change her diaper, including dabbing Maalox onto her tiny bum sores (my babies have very sensitive skin), blowing on it until it is completely dry, repeating that process once or twice depending on how many times she pees or poops while I'm trying to do it, cover the whole thing with rash ointment and then try to nurse some more since I've woken her up with the diaper changing regimen.  Then, hand her off quickly to someone or rope Scotty into dealing with her on and off napping even though he should be working on his seminary course work.  Grab my purse and rush out the door as quickly as possible while driving the speed limit to my destination. Try not to grip the steering wheel too tightly and make a conscious effort to relax my body as I think about how very little time I have to do what I want to do and make it back to nurse again.  The other day, the destination was Plato's Closet.  This was my first time in the store and I didn't know much about it.  It is a thrift store shoppers paradise.  Cute clothes in great condition at great prices in mass quantities.  I almost drove myself crazy trying to try on clothes and find some post-pregnancy stuff to fit into in a half hour time frame.  I was completely overwhelmed and ended up buying about 4 things that I'm taking back.  All this because I'm not a good pumper and can't seem to get much milk, but I've got a Plato's Closet milk stash in the freezer for next time...

Anyway, I left Jubilee with my parents last night for Scotty's 40th birthday dinner.  She did great and we were only gone a couple of hours, so it was fine.  Nice to get that "first" out of the way and AMAZING to get out of the house and do something fun.  I've been thinking about Christian mommy blogs I've read in the last year or so that talk so much about learning to find joy in the little years and finding satisfaction in the calling that God has on us as mommies.  It all sounded great when I had one easy daughter.  Now, I have a newborn and I've found myself in the trenches again and often without a lot of joy or sense of purpose.  Just surviving from one sleepless night to the next and changing an awful lot of diapers.  How does it work?  I've been looking at Jubilee more intentionally lately.  Remembering how desperately we wanted a baby after Zion died.  Remembering how I would have been willing to endure anything to just have him alive with us.  How quickly I get discouraged when this one cries a lot or doesn't want to be put down to nap and I just need to get a shower.  It's tough to remember these lofty but true ideas when you're in the midst of it all.  And, I don't want to get caught in that trap of thinking in just a few more months she'll be easier or more enjoyable.  It's too easy to wish their lives away and before you know it, there's no more snuggly babies.

My in-laws are here until the end of the week, then there's Easter and our first trip to church since Jubilee's been born, then packing and leaving for Charlotte next week!  I'm excited about the transition, looking forward to seeing lots of friends up there, and nervous that it's going to be all a little too much.  Plus, this move signals the beginning of the end of our time in the US and honestly, my heart is not ready to go back to Bolivia yet.  More on that in another post.

Natty, by the way, is doing great and handling her new baby sister pretty well.  It's good that she's had grandparents to give her attention, but I've felt pretty rotten about not being around much for her.  I know that will change and I long to spend more time just playing with her and loving her.  She's an amazing little girl.

So, those are some random thoughts and an update, for what it's worth.  Now, I should turn in and take advantage of the sleeping baby to get some sleep myself.