Love and Death

I have been struggling the last few days with understanding- understanding God, His love, His goodness and why Zion had to die. The last few days haven't been those "help me to understand, God" type days, but the kind that are a little more conflicted and blaming. The kind where I don't really want to understand what the truth might be because it's easier just to be mad. I don't like being in this place. I'm part of a forum of woman online who have all lost children and most of them have miscarried or lost infants at least 5 times. They have had to live this nightmare more than once. And we all struggle with the same questions. As I was confronted with such loss, I asked God again, "how do love and death go together??" God immediately quieted my heart as I realized the utter obviousness of the answer to this question. God used the death of His son to display the greatest love for His children. Christ came to a fallen world. His death seemed premature to those around him and it was even accomplished by the hand's of sinful men. I'm sure all who knew and loved Jesus wondered to themselves and each other in those days before He came back to life how God could possibly let that happen. Obviously, Zion's death was not to bring salvation to the world, but I have to believe that just as God displayed His love for us in Christ's death, He has purposed to do that in Zion's as well. God is love and He is incapable of doing something that is not loving. I don't understand the "why" and I might continue to wonder all the days of my life for what reason my son died but my prayer is that God will reveal His love through it and redeem the pain.

Really?

Please check out this incredible house in the countryside that we passed near the ecology fair. Hot pink. Addidas emblems larger than life on both sides. A strange, different-colored section on the top. Really...what were they thinking?

Ecology fair

I want to keep people informed of how Scotty and I are doing in this whole grieving process. I find myself, who rarely stops typing to think very hard about what I want to say, feeling a bit void of words or the ability to express where we are right now in this journey. I can confidently say each week is a tiny bit better, but the general malaise that seems to come as you work through losing someone, has stuck. I have felt God's presence in special ways and I have felt the roots of my faith grow a little bit deeper, but I am far from where I hope to be when it is all said and done. I still have some pretty big questions about God and how He chooses to work in our lives and how the acceptance of His control, even in the death of my son, affects my future and the future of our family. I am fighting to believe He is good and that He wants good for us. I am fighting a fatalist few of the future (i.e. why bother praying if God is going to do what He wants anyway?). I can easily spot my faulty theology and the beliefs that are based on fear, but I can't seem to overcome them yet. My hope is that with time, God will make all things right, even the thoughts in my head. There is hope. I believe with all my heart that my life and my family will be forever changed for the better through losing Zion. I believe we will appreciate and glory in our children in a way we never would have before. And, I believe God has made clear to us through this that He's chosen to bring at least one child into our family through adoption. Those are good things that I have hope will happen. So, I lumber on- some days a bit blue and apathetic, other days able to see more clearly the love of God showered on me in so many different ways.

Scotty and I have found a new route up to El Alto, where our airport is located. We gave it a test run the other day and enjoyed the trip up and back through a green, hilly, country community called Achocalla that is resting on the side of the mountain that brings us up almost 2,000ft. from where we live to El Alto. On our way down, we noticed there was an "ecological fair" being held today and so we went with Natty to check it out this morning. We got primo parking at the top of the dirt road that led down to the main plaza where the fair was to be held. We ambled down past grazing sheep and enjoyed a spin around the booths selling fresh produce (picked up some radishes and chard), baked goods, quinoa products (got a nice cake and some dulce de leche with quinoa), cheeses, fresh yogurt, and plants. I think our biggest score was some tasty, low-fat, stevia leaf sweetened, strawberry quinoa yogurt. To our great dismay, we've been informed by those who should know that the stevia sold in Bolivia and "made in Bolivia" is, in fact, not stevia. There are no processing plants here and although the plant is grown in abundance, there is no way to turn it into the little, white, sweet powder that charmed and amazed us. So, we've tossed all our Bolivian "stevia", which has been proven to be nothing more than chemicals (there are no truth in advertising laws in Bolivia). Boo. Anyway, we were happy to learn this yogurt was made with the leaf, and not any sort of refined stevia sugar. We made short work of the small fair and got our fill of free samples and then trudged back up the road to the car. When we got to the small grassy spot where we had parked, we noticed a neat row of cars parked behind us. With about 2 feet in between each car. The nice policeman who had given us permission to park there, when asked why he let a row of cars block us in and what we were to do about it, gave a shrug and said, "Oh...I guess you'll have to wait cause those guys have all gone down to the fair." Realizing that "those guys" could be at the fair for a few minutes or long enough to eat lunch, Scotty set off to ask 200 people who owns the black station wagon blocking us in and if they could come move it. I sat sulking on the side of the road, glaring at the policemen who had no concern for the fact that a whole row of cars were trapped and prayed that Scotty would find the culprits. He came back shortly and admitted that there was no way he would be able to find the owners of the car. However, when he was gone, a couple returning from the fair were loading their goods in the back of the car next to us and we realized they had enough room on the other side to possibly wiggle their way out and give us the room to wiggle out too. We found out they weren't the owners (and didn't know how to drive), but after a bit of begging, they allowed Scotty to take the key and maneuver his way out- a slick, 25-point turn- and then we were free! So, a successful end to a fun trip- but one of those annoying things about living here that I don't think I'll ever get over.

Family day

We've had a long few weeks. Errands and guests over for meals and helping out friends and play dates and friend dates and meetings and Bible studies and stuff. I've been busier the last 2 weeks then I have been in a long, long time. It's nice, on the one hand, but it doesn't take too long before I find myself anxious and tired and sad and needing some serious downtime. Today begins a 4-day national holiday and we committed as a family to just spend the day together. We woke up and spent an hour or so playing in bed with Natty, drinking coffee, reading books, being silly. That's my favorite family activity. After breakfast we went off for a good walk and a play on the land. Going to the land (the property we own a block from our house) is Scotty's favorite thing to do and he tries to go over and move dirt or chop logs or stir up compost at least once or twice a week. Sometimes Natty goes and plays in the dirt and comes home much dirtier than she would if Mommy were watching her. Today we all decided to go and I spent some time by Zion's grave thinking about him and missing him a lot. Natty brought a rock over to put on his grave and said she wanted to touch him. I do too. Then we spent a half hour or so digging holes with hand shovels and filling them with dirty water than shoveling out mud and making neat patterns in the dirt. I suppose that's what people do who don't have Wii... Natty loved it and it was nice to all be outside together dreaming in our individual ways of what it might be like to have a house there one day. I can't think about the house and not think about Zion being buried next to it instead of playing inside or running around outside with his siblings. But, it was nice to be with Natty next to where he is buried and feel like he was kinda there with us. I went home and cooked up a nice spaghetti and now it's nap time. Scotty is sitting next me on the couch- he's reading me excerpts from a text book on radiant floor heating and I'm reading snippets to him from a blog on adoption. We're getting more serious about adopting down the road and are starting to look into what our options might be. We're very curious about adopting a Bolivian child and know it might mean more headache or heartache or both, from what we've heard, but are hoping we can talk to a lawyer before too long and see what all it entails. I'm not sure what the rest of the day holds, but it's nice to sit and relax with my family and just be. Zion is still continually on my mind and I miss his presence especially on days like this when it's just us.