Christmas Eve

I hardly know what to think about Christmas this year. I am excited because my parents arrive on Christmas morning and I know having them here will be a great distraction and such a fun time for them to be able to interact with Natty and get to know her now in this fantastic stage where she is learning and talking and doing the cutest, funniest things. She is truly a blessing and I know I would be horribly depressed if she weren't around. However, I can't help but think constantly of Zion- which really is no different than any other day, Christmas or not. How many times did I picture myself sitting by the Christmas tree with him, resting on the couch and looking at the lights glowing? How many people did we ask to pray that he would come home by Christmas? I know he is home- his eternal home- but that's not quite what I was hoping for. The whole point of my parents coming at Christmas was so that they could be here for the birth and help us in the first few weeks. Everything is so very different now. As long as I stay busy, I manage. But the moment I have quiet, my heart becomes very heavy and full of sadness. I posted an article on my facebook that talks about Christmas not being what everyone pictures in their mind- a happy, jolly day when families get along and sip hot cocoa around the Christmas tree and laugh and open presents. It's great if it can be like this. But, the point of Christmas is that we are all broken, we all suffer in some way, we are all needy and have issues. That's why Christ was born. The Word was made flesh so that He could experience the sadness, the brokenness, the pain that we go through and so that He could redeem it all. This has been one comfort to me this holiday. A good friend told me that it's OK if Christmas is sad this year, if it's not full of joy and laughter. How strongly I recognize my own brokenness, my need for a good Savior this year. As I think about Zion and how his death has profoundly changed my view of the world and of life, I am so much more thankful that Christ came to bring hope and to understand our suffering. And so part of me is ready for Christmas to hurry up and get over with while another part of me wants to understand more deeply what it is all about.

THE conversation

So, I knew it was bound to happen soon. I've started going back to the pool and I ran into one of the older ladies that swims the same time I do and who watched my belly grow rounder and rounder in the last months. Of course, she asks today in the changing room, "So, was your baby a girl or a boy?". Uh, oh. I immediately wonder how this is going to work out- will I cry? will I tell her he died? will I run into the shower and pretend I didn't hear her? It was a boy, I answer. Oh, congratulations! And you're already back at the pool? Well, I tell her, here's the thing. And I proceed to explain how Zion was born early and that he died. And I manage to do this without the threat of tears. What makes it possible to talk about in a matter-of-fact manner one moment and another moment it threatens to tear my heart apart? So, she listens politely with a "poor thing" look on her face as I blather on about how strong he was and how long he lived, etc... I find it nice to talk about him when I can keep my emotions under control. And then, her response. I'm ready to hear it again. Most people answer with one of two things: my personal favorite, "But, honey, you're young. You'll have more kids". Love that one. And then, "God knows what He's doing." The second one doesn't upset me as much because at least they recognize God in all of it, even if it's not to the extent I do. But, it can still be annoying sometimes because most people feel the need to make themselves feel better by throwing out a one-liner that is supposed to make me feel better. As if a one sentence answer to this great tragedy that has come upon us is all it will take to perk me up. I totally understand that people are wanting to be helpful and encouraging. I get that. But what is most helpful is just to agree that it's a hard, sad, terrible thing. This woman even preempted her statement with, "This all must be very difficult." Yes! Thank you. Leave it at that, please. However, mentioning God did give me the opportunity to tell her that I do trust that the Lord has a good plan in all this and that with His strength, we will make it through. As I showered, I wondered when the time will come when I can speak more about all that God has done through taking our Zion. I trust that neat things will come out of it but I still feel that I'm walking in a fog of grief thick enough to keep me from seeing it all clearly. I look forward to the day that the fog will lift and I might truly begin to give God the praise He deserves.

P.S. Many of you have written me beautiful, scripture-filled notes or emails or have just reminded me that you are praying. I appreciate these and don't look at them the same way and just want to say "thanks".

Christmas poem

I wanted to share a poem I found on Kristi's blog- a mom who has also lost precious babies.

First Christmas

I hear that on the Earth below
This is a special season
With lights and songs and gifts and such,
And Jesus is the reason!

In the place I would have lived
Are strings of light that blink and shine,
But you should see the light up here
That glows from Jesus all the time!

In the place I would have lived
Carols play, and special songs,
But you should hear the music that
The angels sing here all day long!

In the place I would have lived,
Gifts are giv’n on Christmas Day,
But you should feel the joy we feel
Because God’s gift is here to stay!

In the place I would have lived,
Tears have flowed because I’m gone.
My family wishes I were there
To see and hear and feel it all.

But in this place where I now live,
It’s Christmas all day, all year long,
And the sights and sounds I’d see with them
Are pure, unblemished by all wrong.

So on this day that would have been
My first Christmas on the Earth,
Mama, Daddy, you need to know
I’m celebrating Jesus’ birth!

When you sing songs to worship Him,
I’m singing with the angels, too.
I’m never closer than when we all
Praise Him for our life anew.

I know that life began for me
Sooner than you thought it would.
I know your hearts are hurting now,
And you would change things if you could.

But in this place, where you’ll come, too,
We’ll be together, forever.
And there will be no more good-byes
When we celebrate Christmas in heaven – together!

Moments

I have a bit more energy these days. Until recently, I was still going to bed around 9 or 9:30, like I did toward the end of my pregnancy, because I was so physically and emotionally drained everyday. I feel like I'm getting some strength back but I'm finding it difficult to know what to do with my evenings. I'm not a night person and would be just as happy going to bed and enjoying some good sleep in order to wake up early and have some quiet time before Natty wakes up. However, for the sake of my husband, who would probably like to hang out with me sometimes at night, I am trying to retrain my body to stay up until at least 10. Pretty sad, I know. We've gotten slightly addicted (is that possible?) to Boggle these days after Natty goes to bed- even though I'm pretty sure I've never beat Scotty. But, I've gotten close a couple times, so that keeps me in the game. Sometimes it's annoying to be married to someone who is smarter than you and better at most things. But, it's also one thing I admire about him. Anyway-I decided I should blog since it feels like it's been a long time. Than I noticed it's only been 5 days. I suppose I was blogging so frequently for a while because I felt like I was constantly emotionally charged- which is when I prefer to blog or when I am most "inspired". I don't feel emotionally charged at the moment, so this might be a bit dull. However, I just wanted everyone to know I'm still here. I'm still sad a lot of the time. I'm still struggling to understand and to evaluate myself and my circumstances and God's work in my life and the meaning of all of it. I know some of these things are too big to figure out but it seems as though anything smaller just doesn't matter to me right now- so I ponder the big things. And that's one thing that is annoying about grief and makes me feel like a bad person sometimes- you tend not to care about much else but your own circumstances. How self-centered is that? But, as much as I try- I really can't make myself think too much about other things. I find even when I pray (even prayer was next to impossible to do for a while), I can't think of anything else to pray about than God help me get through this. I think I'll pray for other people and then I end up being overwhelmed by how much I miss Zion and knowing that this awesome God I'm talking to is the One who took him, and everything falls to pieces. And then I am just a heap of tears begging God to help me and wondering how I'll ever be normal again. It's also annoying how grief can surprise you and overwhelm you at any moment. For example, I'm driving to the grocery store thinking how nice it is to have the desire and energy to cook again (but only some days) and Natty will say out of the blue, "I miss baby Zion." Then my heart breaks in two and I wonder if I should just pull the car over and pray for the ground to swallow me up. Or, I'm playing with Natty and marveling at her budding personality and extreme silliness and I see a puzzle on her shelf that I picked up thinking it would look good hanging in Natty and Zion's bedroom when they are a bit bigger. And I get angry all over again that life did not work out according to my "perfect" plan. And, seriously- my whole day is ruined. However, there are quick moments that God can speak so clearly and although the words might be a bit muddled in my less than sharp mind, the idea is conveyed- "I love you. I am here. I know. I will make it OK again." He's done that a couple times lately and it's nice. I'd like it to happen more but sometimes I think I'm too busy wallowing that I don't even want to hear it, because I'm afraid I won't believe it. But, God is good and He finds ways to tell me and when I hear it, I can't help but believe it. Just like when He calls us to Himself- we can't, we don't want to resist because we know He is real and He is who He says He is. I hope to have more of these moments.

A tough date.

Scotty and I decided to go out on a day date today. I can't remember the last time we had a date and while our house help is around, it is easier just to leave Natty with her and go out during the day instead of finding a babysitter for the evening. So, we ran a few errands and then headed to the nice movie theater with plans to do some window shopping after the movie. Lately, movies are a nice distraction from the often gloomy reality of life, and I was especially looking forward to escaping for a couple hours today. We bought tickets, popcorn and a big drink for about $8! Love that. The movie was interesting and I was excited for a few more minutes to hang out with Scotty when we ran into a friend we haven't seen for quite some time. Not being very connected to us or Facebook very frequently, he didn't know anything about Zion. It came up and, of course, I started crying in the middle of the mall and wondered how I could escape quickly without anyone seeing me. But, there also happened to be an entire table full of people we knew and had to say hi to them as well. So, the date was quickly terminated and the car ride home, silent. When telling someone for the first time about Zion's death, I'm not just sad because he's gone, but everything that is sad that I've mentioned before comes to the surface. Everything that at any given moment can ruin my day is brought before me again. I thought I could avoid reality for enough time to have a good date with Scotty, but there's no escaping the hard truth. If not on the surface, it's always lurking shallowly beneath. The "why-me's?" were haunting me all the way home. Why can't I just have a date out with my husband without having to be reminded my son died. Why can the sheer mention of Zion sometimes take all joy out of my day? Why does grief come up at the most inopportune times and send me reeling when I felt emotionally stable 5 seconds earlier? And so, the journey continues... Somewhere along the way, I feel like God has given me more peace in and acceptance of His continued goodness and His love. It doesn't seem as hard to believe as it once did, but the pain is as real as ever and presents itself in many different dimensions- a seemingly infinite number of new ways each day. But, I know I must hold on to this faith, however lacking, and know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Randomness

Today it's gloomy outside. Matches my emotional state. I'm listening to somewhat melancholy instrumental Christmas music and trying not to cry in front of Natty again. I'm looking at the Christmas tree and thinking how I wish this would be a happy holiday this year. And I start thinking again the most random thoughts...this seems to be happening a lot lately. I wonder if Christmas, or Christ's birth, was a little melancholy for the Lord, too. For us, it means the birth of our Savior- the only one that can bring us life. For God, it meant sending His son to die. That must have been a little bittersweet, too. So, I'm glad we're in this together.

The other night I wondered if they celebrated some form of Christmas in heaven. I mean, they're celebrating Christ all the time, so I can't imagine they do. But I was thinking about Zion and I wanted to think he was having the most amazing Christmas there in the Lord's presence. Maybe he could even play baby Jesus in heaven's reenactment of Christ coming to earth. He was supposed to be born at Christmas, too...

A few nights ago I was praying on my way to bed and telling God again how much I just want Zion back. I started wondering how I would react if God said, "Ok, Lisa, you can have Zion back. But, remember, if I give him life on earth, he will have joy, but nothing compared to being here with me. What's more, he will have suffering that he would never experience if he were to stay in heaven. Do you really want him back?" I realized how true that is. My son was saved a lot of pain by being able to go to his eternal home "early". As much as I would be overjoyed to have my son with me, as a mother, I would sacrifice that for him to stay by the Lord's side. Although if I could have stopped him from dying- I surely would have.

Beach distraction

I love the beach and sometimes lament the fact that we live at high altitude (read: cold) in a country that is land-locked. When we lost Zion and many people asked us if we would go home or get away, I thought: the beach. So, we looked into going back to the nice, affordable condo on the beach we spent a few days at several months ago. We found great airline tickets and had all the support of the people around us to get away and relax. I wondered if it would be helpful, if I'd really forget all that has happened and be able to enjoy myself. But, I knew that Natty would love it and that we could use some time to focus on our family and not feel the slight guilt of not being involved in life and ministry as we usually are. When we first got there, it was cold. On our previous trip it was cold. I wondered if God just didn't want us to enjoy life. Yes, this was my horrible thought. We sat on the beach in our jackets and Scotty and I were both struck with how off it felt. We were missing a part of our family. As we watched Natty happily digging away in the sand like a little crab, we recognized again how much we wanted Zion to be a part of that. I spent one of the first nights sobbing in Scotty's arms for about an hour or so. Then, things started looking up. The weather got warmer and we were both able to really relax and enjoy each other. Natty found delight in everything. She loved the sand, the water, the washed up jellyfish, the shells, the rocks, the food, the TV with cartoons, the hotel, the old people that had taken over the hotel that week. She would wake up every morning, come out of her room, look through our sliding glass doors that had a beautiful ocean view, put her hands in the air and shout, "THE BEACH!!" She was full of life and that is exactly what I needed. I found myself able to be happy for longer than a couple minutes at a time. Happy hours went by (and not the 2 for 1 beer type) and although I never forgot about my little boy- I was able to enjoy myself. This was truly a gift. Scotty and I slept in- thanks to the lower altitude and lots of hard play on the beach helping Natty sleep later- we read, we ate, we played games, we soaked up the sun. I wasn't ready to leave today and neither was Natty. Usually, at the end of a trip, I know that our time is up and I am ready to get back to my house. I knew the day was drawing near for us to come back to La Paz, but I also knew what awaited me here. Reminders everywhere of Zion. Uncomfortable conversations. My own fear of people not understanding that I am still sad. Being more sad as I return to life as usual without the fun distraction of the beach and a different place. We put up our Christmas tree today. How many people did I ask to pray that Zion would be home by Christmas? How long did I picture our family with a newborn around the Christmas tree? As the bits of tree came out to be put together, my heart began to sink. This is not what I imagined this holiday- just the 3 of us. No pregnancy. No baby. These will be hard days, but I think our time away has given me a chance to breathe, a chance to gird up and begin the fight of faith anew, a chance to be reminded of how much God has given me in my loving husband and wonderful daughter. The holidays will be bittersweet in so many ways but I know that our God is faithful, even when I am not.