Fear or Faith

Many of you have commented on how you enjoy my honesty on the blog- my thoughts and struggles as a woman of God, a wife, a mother, a missionary. Well, today has been a rough day and I feel like sharing. We boared the plane late last night to make our overnight return trip to Bolivia. We were excited to be going back to what has become home and reconnect with friends here. Natty did awesome on the trip- sleeping the whole night and having to be woken up to eat. I started to become a little nervous as we neared La Paz, knowing that not only do a lot of adults, but several babies I know have had a really hard time entering into the altitude. We had our friend Tim, who was driving our truck up to get us, have an oxygen tank on hand, just in case. As soon as we unloaded from the plane, Natty started getting quieter and quieter. Then she started whimpering and getting pale. I told Scotty I didn't think she was doing too well. I kept my hand over her chest, wanting to feel the reassuring rise and fall of breathing normally. Too many times I didn't feel the rising that I was hoping for and would call her name and try and get her to respond. By the time we finally asked a police man to let me through customs to head toward the medical room, I was panicking. Natalie was pale, limp, and had blue around her eyes and lips. I was pleading with the Lord and trying to stay calm at the same time. The doctor, or whatever he was, was very nice and immediately pulled out a large mask to hold close to Natalie's nose and she was soon coming back into alertness and regaining color. Again, I held back tears and tried not to think of what could have happened or might happen when we left the airport. We were able to stay until Scotty could find our luggage and get Tim in with our oxygen tank. We decided to head to the clinic where she was born, just to see what they would have us do. They watched her and kept her on oxygen for another 45 mins until her blood/oxygen saturation level was good. They sent us on our way and told us what to watch for and to keep oxygen on her until noon. I can't even tell you the fears that were looming in my heart and mind the whole morning. We were exhausted from not sleeping much on an overnight flight, being affected ourselves by returning into altitude and not just a little stressed by what we just experienced. Although the medic in the airport was nice, I got the overall feeling he wasn't sure how to deal with babies or what level of oxygen to give them. He was trying to send me on my way and I asked if we could stay longer. He then turned down the oxygen and Natty started crying and turning blue again. The people in the hospital are always somewhat helpful, but the equipment looks quite outdated and often doesn't give good readings. I must admit, I have a hard time trusting doctors in this country. So, here I am, a new mom going through a range of emotions. I begin to wonder what would happen if something even more drastic were to occur to Natalie- would she get adequate care? Am I putting my baby in danger by living here? Is this what God wants for us? Can I really raise a family in an enviornment that is so dangerous? Added to this was the news that our good friends just returned on an emergency visit to the states because they found a serious heart problem in their baby- and it could possibly be altitude related! What an overwhelming day it's been...never has transition back to Bolivia been so hard, never have I wanted so badly to get back on the plane and go back to where it's "safe" and where my family is. Although I can't honestly say I'm totally at peace with what's happened, I do see how God is going to really stretch my faith now that we have a baby. I will have to choose whether I'm going to live in fear of what could happen or live in faith, knowing that the Lord is in control, even when hard things happen. I'm still feeling tired and a little overwhelmed and not ready to leap back in to life as we know it. I know I will sleep fitfully tonight, wondering if my little girl is still breathing. But, I also know and trust that God's mercies will be new and fresh in the morning. I hope in that.