Natty turns four.

They grow up quick.  Everyone says it, but you don't know just what it means until it happens to your children...especially your first one.  Often I tell Natty her birth story, per her request, and sometimes it seems like it was ages ago that it all happened.  But, when our first born little girl turns 4, it seems like only yesterday!  She has changed so incredibly much in such a short period of time.  She's always been a sweet, sensitive little girl and her life has taught me so much.  Being a mother is a journey of learning to die to self, be patient, re-examine what grace means in your life and in the lives of others and to depend on God.  Natty is fun, silly, smart, an amazing conversationalist, talks to adults like an adult, loves to read, loves to play games, still takes a great 2-hour afternoon nap, is timid in groups, loves to play in water, just learned to ride a bike (with training wheels), eats almost anything, adores her Daddy, is such a sweet big-sister that surprises me with her love for Jubilee, wants to adopt a little brother, always wants to wear skirts, can melt-down in a heartbeat, admits that it's very hard sometimes to obey, is very cautious, doesn't like dolls and has practically memorized her Jesus Storybook Bible.  She has gotten to an age of asking good questions about faith and God and started her first ballet class a couple months ago.  It is a privilege to be her mother and I am so proud of the little person that is being formed before my eyes.

We decided to go to Lake Titicaca to our favorite fish restaurant to celebrate her birth.  She loves to be around water and this particular place takes you out on a little boat ride after your meal.  Because there was a possibility of blockades on her actual birthday, we went the day before with our friends, the Hursts (with 2 of their girls), and our house helper's 2 daughters.  It always takes longer to get out of the city than we think.  After driving up a couple thousand feet to El Alto (the slum city that lies right above us), you are often redirected because of huge holes in the road, marches, construction, parades, markets or just grid-lock.  I never cease to be amazed by this interesting and broken-down city filled with crazy drivers and exhaust.  But, after getting out, it's smooth sailing along the Andean plateau with snow-capped peaks, llamas, and fields of crops all around.  When we got to the hotel where our favorite restaurant is, it seemed empty.  When I walked in, 3 guys that worked there were dancing around twirling napkins.  They looked sheepish when I said hello and asked if they were serving lunch that day.  One guy looked like he might have to disappoint me, but said he'd check in the kitchen.  He confirmed, to my relief, upon returning that they were serving lunch and were just scaling our freshly caught trout!  The girls played while the grown-ups chatted and we all tried to ignore our growling tummies (we didn't get to the place until about 1:30).  But, was it worth the wait!  Freshly baked bread, salad, home-made corn soup, and absolutely delicious, fresh fish.  We brought along the cupcakes Natty and I had baked the day before and enjoyed all of this while gazing out on the enormous, sparkling lake.  The skies were clear and were that incredible blue of a place with little atmosphere. I don't think I've ever seen water glimmer like I do when we're at Lake Titicaca.  We took a short spin out on the hotel's boat after lunch and then packed it back in the Landcruiser for the return trip.  The way back took even longer when we got to El Alto where the festivals of Day of the student/love/friendship were in full swing, but we made it back home about half an hour before people started arriving for our small group. We were so tired on Natty's actual birthday after our day trip (and Bible study until almost midnight), that we just stayed home and did things Natty loves to do- big breakfast, movie watching, family walk and family game-playing.  Happy birthday to my precious big girl!

I am God.

It's windy today.  When I look out the window I can see plastic bags jerking through the air and clothes whipping around on the drying lines.  I can feel a breeze coming through any (closed) window of my house and the curtains inside lightly move.  It's been hazy lately- a result of the dry season kicking up dust and no rains yet to settle it back down.  I have another cold and the dry air hits my sinuses hard.  My head ached as I walked around Mallasilla this morning- the first walk I've felt well enough to take all week.  But, I recognize the blessed life I lead.  I have a wonderful relationship with my husband.  I have two beautiful, thriving daughters.  I have sweet friends.  But something the ladies talked about in Bible study last night tugs at my heart, at my comfort.  Suffering.  I've been there before...I don't want to go back.  And yet, we all agreed and could not deny as we read scripture together that to suffer is sometimes part of a good plan that the Lord has for us.  He shows Himself to us in a more profound way.  Just look at Job.  "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you."  I've said that in suffering...or maybe something not so eloquent.  But, I get that.  However, my heart still says, isn't there another way to see?  Sometimes I feel like I am more afraid than ever of suffering.  I haven't yet fully learned or accepted that to know the Lord, to see Him, is the greatest gift He could give us...no matter what it costs.  I think He has been telling me lately that there are still things that I hold on to too tightly.  Sometimes this world, this life, means too much to me.  I know there is freedom in letting it go, but I'm afraid it will hurt too much.  A friend pointed out that after Job had voiced his complaint and questioned why he even had to be born, the Lord said, I am God.  He didn't give specific answers or even comforting ones.  We know something Job didn't know in that moment- that God would restore Job's life with even more sweet gifts than before.  But in that moment of pain, God's answer was, I am God.  He doesn't always promise to make it better and that is a hard truth to swallow as His children.  But, He is God.  And being God, He is good and kind and love.  Sometimes, I still struggle to fully believe that, despite whatever I might be going through in this moment.

Mini-trauma

This one takes everything in stride.  Food?  Sure- why not?

So, I'm going through a mini-trial at the moment....so I must blog about it.  I have no idea, really, how many people read this blog and I might not publish every little thing like this that I go through if I knew who did read it- however, it is the best way to work through my feelings.  So, here we go.  Jubilee went in for her 6 month check-up on Monday.  She looks great, but she is underweight.  Like, off the charts.  I know the charts are not always perfectly accurate, but the fact that she has left her growth curve, somewhat significantly, is not a good sign.  Her pediatrician only recommended that I start her on solids, but didn't have any advice or words of wisdom apart from that.  I trust this woman, and like her personally, but medical friends from home have encouraged me to monitor things a bit more closely to make sure she does start gaining weight again.  This, of course, is not a huge deal, but anytime something is not right, it makes this mommy nervous.  So, I started cereal yesterday and she enjoyed it.  I spent a good part of yesterday afternoon praying for Jubilee and for my heart- that I would trust the Lord and how He works all of this out.  Today, before lunch, Jubilee almost completely refused to nurse.  She had some and then decided she was done.  Freak out time!  Then that all-to-familiar battle started of my body going rigid and my mind racing and crying out, "No!  You must eat!".  Then, the other, usually softer voice that speaks reason and peace reminding me that this is just one meal, it's not going to ruin her or our goals of weight gain.  But what if she keeps doing this??  What if I have to give up breastfeeding and go to formula!?!?- the irrational mommy-voice screams.  I do my best to calm down and try to "encourage" Jubilee to eat....about 10 more times. She finally gives me a good bite or two and I give up.  While this is going on, Natty is getting ornery and impatient because I haven't played with her all morning and I'm giving Jubilee way more attention than she wants me to.  However, she asks me to tell her the story about when we lost her favorite stuffed animal and God miraculously brought him to us.  A story of God's faithfulness.  Than, out of no where, she repeats what I told her yesterday about her pediatrician remembering her after over a year of not seeing her and asking if she had gotten over her constipation.  Natty struggled with this issue for over a year as a toddler and it was a super stressful time.  She's totally fine now.  A story of God's faithfulness.  The Lord wanted me to remember the things He has already brought us through, faithfully, and trust that He will do it again in this situation.  Even with those Holy Spirit reminders I fight against the need (why is it such a need?) to worry.  So, here I am.  Wanting to choose the right path- the one of peace and trust.  I feel more relaxed and calmer, but my heart is still a little tense.  I'm trusting that in another few blogs, I can testify to the good way that God has worked this one out and how my little one is packing on the pounds.  And if things don't work out so simply, I want to say as we have in much more serious situations, Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Snippets.

So, we were out of town in Cochabamba most of this week.  Scotty has quarterly meetings there as part of an advisory council for the mission director.  I'll fill you in on the last bit of time with a few snippets of life, in no particular order.

The girls travel well.  We left for the airport right around Jubilee's nap time- 12:30.  We had the usual wait of an hour for our flight, plus a few more half hour delays brought on by our plane not being able to leave its previous destination to come to us.  We bided our time in the sunny departure room, sipping cappuccinos and playing "race" with Natty.  Jubilee happily watched, slept, and nursed.  I had a good conversation with the girl working at the jewelry counter, who unfortunately knew nothing about the Bolivianite (an amethyst like stone found here in the mines of Bolivia) and where in the country it comes from.  But, she did have a little girl, too, and was open to my questions and conversation about life.  When the plane came in, Natty got super excited, we walked out onto the cold, windy tarmac (not to mention noisy, since there was another plane raring to go next to us), boarded our jet and took off.  A quick snack and 30 mins later and we were there.  In those 4 hours there was almost nothing but smiles, other than a few short cries as Jubilee tried to fall asleep.  Yes, my girls might sometimes seem like angels- even to me- but stay tuned for the bubble bursting.

I took a walk the Sunday before we left.  We didn't go to church since we had to leave early for the airport, so I was able to get in a nice walk around the 'hood.  Whoa.  Note to self: No walks on Sundays.  I thought it would be nice and quiet cause it's Sunday and that seems reasonable.  Twice as many stray dogs out.  I honestly thought I might get attacked several times.  There is comfort in knowing by sight the dogs around town.  There is not comfort in seeing new, large dogs travelling in packs.  There were groups of men reeking of alcohol- obviously still out from a drinking binge started the night before.  They kinda just set up camp on a rickety, wooden bench outside of a small, corner store.  Although most of them looked harmless and probably couldn't walk straight, I'm never a fan of being a blond foreigner walking by a group of drunk men.  And generally there was a lot more traffic than I expected- people probably going to families homes for cooking and lunch and guys dressed in soccer garb to go play all day.  The Catholic church's bells were ringing just as I walked past the drunk guys...calling its people to come worship.  It was a bit ironic.

We were happy to spend some time in the beloved SIM guest house in Cochabamba.  We are still looking for a couple people to run it, so if you're reading this and feel a little spark inside, call me.  Natty immediately headed outside into the big, green yard for the swings.  I immediately got into a taxi to pick up some grub at the grocery store.  Ah- Cochabamba!  I was comfortable in short-sleeves (still winter here) and loving the familiar sights of town and the grocery store I must have visited 100 times while living there.  I picked up some cotton candy on my way out as a special treat for Natty and we enjoyed some play time back at the guest house before putting Jubilee to bed and leaving Natty with an SIM friend while Scotty and I went out to Paprika for our anniversary dinner.  We had celebrated our engagement there the night he asked me to marry him and it is a favorite of many.  It was nice to walk and talk and hold hands and not be in a hurry and eat good food.  Can I tell you about the amazing present he gave me before we left?  Well, I have to admit that Scotty is not a gift-giver.  He actually picks great presents, but doesn't enjoy it and often puts it off until the last minute.  I don't think he'd mind me sharing this on the world wide web because I've said some nice things about him before on my blog.  :)  However, for my first birthday as a married couple, he gave me a Nalgene bottle.  It was purple.  Yes, that's all.  I was a bit underwhelmed, although, I did carry that bottle with me everywhere I went, at all times, for about 5 years.  One Christmas, he admitted to me on Christmas Eve Eve that he hadn't bought me anything yet.  I'll let that be in the end of the examples for now.  So, let me read to you a section from the card he wrote this year for our 7th anniversary: "Seven years, seven presents: a photo frame in gratitude for such a beautiful family and great memories together.  A notebook and pencil case because you are such a gifted writer and because it makes me think of future travels together (the notebook had travel graffics on it).  The (chocolate-scented) candle and glass holder represents our future home, full of light, warmth, hospitality and the smell of chocolate coming from the kitchen!  Dark chocolate because you like it and After Eight (chocolate mint candies) because that's when I get to hang out with just you."  How thoughtful- right!?  All the gifts were beautiful...and yummy.  He totally made up for those other lame times.

It was a joy to have 3 days or so to just focus totally on the girls.  I didn't bring my computer so that I wouldn't be tempted to get online and waste time or ignore them.  I played all the stuff Natty wanted to play.  We took pictures of Jubilee and made her laugh.  We ate snacks that are bad for you.  Natty was happy and sweet and I was loving it.  For a while.  Toward the end, my sweet girl turned into Natty-the-sinner.  She was unrepentant when disciplined for doing wrong or disobeying.  She made little fists and punched the air with them like she wanted to hit me.  She glared at me.  Her attitude screamed, "I don't care what you say!  I like to sin!"  It truly broke my heart and frustrated me.  Of course, this wasn't the first time I had seen this, but it was a bit more pronounced on this trip.  How can such a young thing who is receiving such nice treats and love from her mommy treat her this way?  I wonder if God sometimes asks the same of me...  By the end of the trip, I was having a hard time enjoying my daughter.  I prayed hard and continue to every day.  No one teaches them to do wrong- it comes naturally.  As much as I talk about our relationship with each other being broken when she disobeys, only the Holy Spirit can make her want it to be right again.

Today is Saturday and we don't have any major plans.  I love this.  Tomorrow is pedestrian day- no car driving allowed.  Scotty will go over to church early tonight to set up for our Saturday night service since we won't have normal church tomorrow.  After the girls get up from naps, we'll have a family date to the ice cream store.  I'll stay home with Jubilee since church starts at her bedtime and listen to a sermon and try to connect with some long-distance friends.  We're still trying to find some neighborhood friends to hang out with tomorrow when everyone is stuck at home.

I had a lovely long conversation with a Bolivian friend last night at Bible study.  We were the only two to show up until an hour and a half after the study was supposed to start (!!).  I feel like it was a God-ordained time of reconnection with her.  Then a few more trickled in and we had a more intimate time of sharing and prayer.  I really enjoy that small group.

Well, hope you feel caught up!  Check my facebook for pics of our time in Cochabamba.