Early morning thoughts

Some times your best thoughts come to you in the early morning.  God speaks to your heart and you feel a special connection and peace before you get the day going.  That's not what my early morning looked like today...  After feeding Jubilee around 4, while she was talking away in her crib (thinking it was time to get up??), I had 2 major thoughts.  One, I am completely lacking intentionality in my life right now.  I am not intentional with how I plan my day.  I am not intentional with the activities I choose to do with Natalie- often getting side-tracked in the middle of us playing together and wandering off to fold diapers or wash dishes without even telling her.  I am not intentional with my husband or anyone else for that matter.  In our last team meeting, we talked about whether we were thriving or just surviving.  Survival-mode, all the way.  I think it's part of transitioning back into life in La Paz.  At first we were consumed with just getting everyday things in order and then the girls got sick and now, after several weeks of needing to stay home with them, I'm just doing what needs to be done each day.  Shower, dress kids, change diapers, cook, clean dishes, survive, try not to get frustrated at anyone, etc...  It's getting old.  I finally made myself intentionally read my Bible and catch up with my reading plan today while I had a few minutes to myself here and there.  I think my default when life seems out of control or not as satisfactory as I want it to be is just to put myself on cruise control.  I am praying for some practical steps to take to fix this and the desire to make the effort.

The other thing- my baby is not a text book baby.  (There aren't too many of those, right?)  When Jubilee was in her first few months, I kinda just let her eat whenever and sleep whenever and wherever.  We didn't have much choice because we were sharing spaces and meal times and visiting and wanting to spent time with people.  It worked and it actually felt kinda freeing.  Shortly before returning, I imagined that getting back to La Paz meant routine and control and the ability to mold my baby's nap times and mid-night activities to my desires.  Hmmm.  I didn't realize that coming into the altitude would make her hungrier.  Living at 11,000 ft. does speed up your metabolism.  She had started frequently sleeping 8 or 9 hour stretches at night in the US, but we cut that in half when returning and haven't been able to stretch back out.  Then she got a cold...and another one...that still hasn't gone away.  For many reasons that I won't bore you with- that is keeping her wanting to eat more frequently in the night as well.  So, all my best efforts at "training" her are not working.  Partially because I am not committed.  And partially because I'm not sure what her real needs are.  They seem to change daily, based on how sick she felt that day or sleepy or whatever.  And what mommy has never given in to comparing her baby to another one and wonders why hers can't be "that easy"?  I had to admit that the circumstances in Jubilee's life are not static.  There are other forces at work that make things more challenging from time to time.  And, ultimately, it will get easier and I need to let go of expecting it to happen at the snap of my fingers.  But, I really like control.  A lot.  Maybe God's trying to tell me something here...

So, aside from those downers- Scotty is making great progress on Jubilee's visa.  We go in early tomorrow morning to get her little medical check done and that should be the last major requirement before we can turn everything in.  He's preaching again this Sunday and we'll have good friends over after church who were so pumped that we brought them a crock pot from the US so they want to share the yumminess they've been creating.  I'm finding that weekends have been packed with people lately and are great fun and also very tiring.  In another week or so we'll have an overnight retreat with the elders and their families, which will be a good time to reconnect with everyone and deepen those friendships.  I am thankful tonight for this time to write, to process, to share.

Tweaking.

Just cause they're so cute.

Well, we're almost 3 weeks in and I still feel like the adjustment needs some more tweaking.  Bolivia feels comfortable and familiar- there's not a whole lot there to get used to.  But, my life is looking so much different than it did.  I told a friend the other day that I've been able to get so little done because my house-helper hasn't been here since we've been back.  I know, I know!  It sounds pathetic.  But, I stress again how much longer and more difficult normal, everyday tasks can be to accomplish here.  Plus, it is winter and there are a lot of nasty viruses going around and I just don't want to expose Jubilee to much of that.  She is already on cold #2 since arriving and so I am keeping her mainly in the house.  This brings me to my main beef in this blog.  The whole ministry of mothering is beautiful and wonderful, but I think I'm starting to see the mundaneness it can carry as well.  I had to miss our first SIM team meeting on Friday because Jubilee was starting to get sick and Natty had pink eye.  It was going to be our first time with our beloved team, some of whom I have yet to see.  Scotty went, of course, cause that's something daddies often get to do when mommies are hanging out with sick babies. (Yes, maybe I was whining a bit about this at the moment)  Then, Jubilee's cold turned full blown and so I am inside again, not able to get out even for a walk with the girls.  During the light, not so freezing hours of the day, Jubilee is either sleeping or I am making meals.  There just isn't much time in the morning or afternoon for getting out with them.  I haven't managed to get out of the house early enough to return to lap swimming because Jubilee is having us up quite a bit at night and I'm so tired by the time morning rolls around.  So, I say all this not to sound as complainy as this probably sounds- but just to say that the rose-colored glasses have fallen off.  Being a mommy is awesome and sweet and I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying my daughters.  I just about spontaneously combust when I look at Jubilee (she's a very happy baby).  However, the responsibility limits other things.  Things that I enjoy. Things that I'm used to.  Also, we had our pastor and his wife over last night for a few hours and I was talking with Becky about having little kids and how that affects ministry.  Even though we are well aware of the God-given task of mothering and its priority in our lives, that doesn't make the necessities (great necessities) in the church disappear.  What do we do with those?  It's not fair to just drop them in the laps of other mommies who have older kids.  But, there's only so much we can do...how do you balance it all?

So, I continue to be perplexed and blessed and sometimes nervous.  I fight wanting to sleep and wanting to be buff, and feel like those are sometimes mutually exclusive.  I want to lovingly shepherd my children and protect them, but want to be a part of things where people with cold germs might be.  This all might sound a bit ridiculous and probably is compared to a lot of peoples' problems- but, I wrestle with it because it is my lot right now and the Lord is asking me to honor Him in it.

If you feel like praying, pray for Jubilee's visa.  Scotty is into week #2 of daily visits to all sorts of government offices in order to get the required paperwork.  This is old hat for him, except for a few unique things pertaining to babies, but it is still very time-consuming.  At some point, we have to take her to a large government hospital to get a health-check (no, she can't just go to her own pediatrician), and I'm afraid of even taking her into such a germy place to be handled by a random doctor that maybe didn't wash his or her hands after coming into work that morning (are you seeing a slight paranoia here?).  But, she does need a TB shot, so I suppose we could get that done, too.  Did you know I couldn't find the first place in the US that would give my daughter a TB shot?  So, thanks for praying.  I'll report back with great rejoicing when that's done.

The Ministry of Mommy.

Los Miser dressed for the 4th.

Being on this new journey of mommy to two and being freshly back in this country we call home, but also where we're called to be missionaries, has had me thinking.  I will always feel a sense of responsibility to fulfill the mission God has given us (which seems to be ever changing but always the same- get me?), but I've started seeing life here in a new way in the last few months and especially now that we're back.  Mommies of more than one know what it's like to be pulled in several directions at once and just sit down to get something else done when one or the other needs you.  Although this can seem frustrating some moments, the Lord has been faithful to remind me that "interruptions" are what being a parent are about. The ones who are inhibiting me from being "productive" are the ones that I am here to serve and love and care about as #1 priority during my day.  If nothing else gets done- so be it.  So, besides the normal feeding, rocking, putting to sleep, and intellectually stimulating the baby and reading to, playing pretend with, entertaining, disciplining and teaching the 3 year-old, there are a few other things to do.  Walking up and down the stairs a half dozen times to set my cheapy washing machine to the unique and varied cycles necessary to effectively clean cloth diapers takes a bit of time.  Disinfecting, chopping and preparing vegetables for our new, mostly-vegetarian diet also takes time.  Baking quick breads from scratch so we can have something healthy to snack on has been a big part of each day since we've returned.  That's not to mention things that need to be done outside of the house!  I'm feeling kinda like I do when I have a newborn- unable to imagine doing much more than this....ever again.  Our house has been in disarray since we've returned, which doesn't help my overwhelmed feelings, but I know it will get there.  All that to say, I feel OK with all of this.  Scotty and I have been reading a book called Disciplines of a Godly Family by Kent and Barbara Hughes that has really been challenging us in many ways.  In the intro to this book, they quote Robert Dabney as saying "The education of children (in context of parenting) for God is the most important business done on earth.  It is the one business for which the earth exists.  To it all politics, all war, all literature, all money making ought to be subordinated; and every parent especially ought to feel, every hour of the day, that next to making his own calling and election sure, this is the end for which he is kept alive by God- this is his task on earth."  Whoa!  That's a wonderful and heavy and convicting idea.  I consider that my children are with me for a few short years of their lives before they enter into school, where they spend the majority of their waking hours, and I want to enjoy and maximize every minute.  I don't feel the same drive to prove myself as a missionary in the way that I did before.  Like, being able to list off all the churchy activities I am involved in and sound like I'm staying busy with out-of-the-family ministry.  My husband and children are my ministry and my passion.  If I can love them well and raise my kids to know and love the Lord, while inviting families over to eat and share together (which is really the ministry closest to my heart, besides family)- I will be greatly satisfied and I believe the Lord will be as well.  Of course, with this conviction comes some amount of fear and trembling.  Church leaders and their wives often have very high expectations placed on them.  The real and perceived sets of eyes that are on me always have me feeling like I'm not quite measuring up.  I want to be secure in this call that God has given me and not be afraid to set boundaries that some might think too closed in.  Although I have come to appreciate certain aspects of Bolivian culture, I have not learned to implement some of those in my life.  The way family structure and routine is done here is sometimes very different from what is comfortable to me and I hang precarious in that constant balancing act of wanting to protect myself and my kids, while being culturally sensitive and obliging.  It's easy to say that I will spend the brunt of my time focusing on raising my daughters and imagine that to be in the comfort and privacy of my own home.  But if I'm not doing it with a mind to impacting for God's glory other families around me- I am off base.  So, I am confident in what I want these next few years to look like on a private level, but still wrestle with how this plays out in the local body of Christ.