What's new, you say?

Well, after my last post, we had a couple really great nights with Moses and then a week of horrible nights.  I was about to lose hope that he'd ever real sleep and get on a "normal" schedule.  It's amazing how lack of sleep can affect you so deeply and make everything seem harder, sadder, darker.  Last night, he actually slept half-way decently and we woke up feeling that old flame of hope rekindled that we might eventually get into a good rhythm.  Of course, one night is just one night, but at this point, every victory is huge!  We know from others' experiences and all the literature and studies on adoption that sleep issues can last for years, but when everyone around you is assuming that Moses should be adjusted now and sleeping wonderfully, you start to wonder why it's not happening that way.  I have to remind myself that we're the first people a lot of our friends have known that have adopted a child and I need to be gracious with them as I help them understand the realities of what our little man has been through and how it affects him now.

It's funny how this little person that I've only known for a couple months feels so much like a part of our family.  I find that I hardly ever think about the fact that he's adopted and not straight from my own body.  In fact, it's a bit strange for me to recognize that he was incubated in some other woman's body, birthed by her, and then left.  Wow!  I suppose to be constantly aware of that fact would be a bit overwhelming.  I'm just so glad that the girls love him like they do.  We're still itching to take him out more, but find that each excursion anywhere that boasts of much stimulation (which is pretty much anywhere outside of our house or neighborhood), keeps him awake and stressed at night.  The poor baby starts and jumps and yells and generally looks scared.  I hate to do that to him.  So, I guess the Lord knew that school vacation would be just the time for him to come home, so that no one would need to go anywhere in particular.

I love how most people don't yet comment on the fact that he looks nothing like us.  Most strangers coo at Moses like any other baby and ask how old he is and say how cute he is.  One shopkeeper looked at him and looked at Jubilee and said, "Isn't it so interesting how they can come out so differently??".  Yes, it is interesting.

So, here's some little peeps into who this Moses Miser is.  He loves to get the attention of strangers when we are out, generally by grunting loudly at them until they turn his way.  Then he immediately breaks out the wide-mouth grin and babbles incoherently at them.  He's very friendly.  He happily lets Natty cart him all over the house without complaining and will sit contently on a blanket with toys spread about and entertain himself for a while.  He's starting to get the itch to move a lot more and we'll find him changed from a seated position to on his tummy, swiveling from side to side to find new things to suck on.  He always greats us with a smile after a nasty night of not sleeping.  He eats everything I put in front of him, even if it has chard or lentils in it.  However, I do struggle to get enough formula in.  He's incredibly observant and loves to be tossed in the air by Daddy.  That's our little boy!  Tomorrow we'll have our final hearing that will make this whole thing official.  Praise God!

The ugly truth.

So, there are two reasons why I haven't blogged much since Moses came home.  One, we have another child in this house who is a baby and who I feel I can never be apart from for more than 5 seconds because then he won't attach to us and trust us.  That takes time and energy, of which I have very little because we aren't sleeping.  Two, I feel a little bad that after all the praying, hoping, desperation, whining and longing- things are tougher than I expected them to be.  I'd like to write that it's all rainbows and unicorns.  I'd like to gush about how all our pain and tears and suffering has culminated in this magical formation of a perfect family.  However, I'm just barely making it through each day and managing to take care of my kids, maybe organize the house a teeny bit and attempting (and often failing) to be patient and loving.  What I can say is that Moses is a beautiful part of our family.  We all love him and enjoy passing our days together.  However, he becomes a very different baby at night.  As is very common with adopted kids, night is hard.  He eats 4-6 times a night.  He wakes up between those meals and cries for inexplicable reasons and takes anywhere from 5-60 minutes to get back to sleep.  Although we'll have one night a week that is slightly less tortuous than the others, it's not getting better yet.  I think this is normal.  I know it won't be like this forever.  I try to think back to when the girls were infants and there were weeks and even months that I thought I would struggle through forever and never have a "normal" life again.  It wasn't true.  I did get to sleep through the night again.  I got back to the gym and was able to take care of myself.  I had a regular time in the day to find quiet and read my Bible.  That just isn't now.  There are many days I sink in the mire of my own self-pity or fear that we're in over our heads and I was encouraged today by this quote that talks about believing what is true and letting it shape your emotional response:

Some will say, "Well, that doesn't work for me.  When I hear truth, it doesn't have an emotional effect on me.  It doesn't take away my anxiety".....If the Bible's arguments are not having an effect on you, it's because you have little faith in what it says.  Faith is massively important here.  We must trust.  We must believe what Jesus says.  (John Piper)

So, I will ask the Lord again for more faith and know that as I ponder what is true, it will help me push on through what is inevitably a phase that will pass.  One day I will have the mental faculties to see what He has done and be amazed.  I will marvel more often at our new son and not panic when I hear his cry at night.  I will wax eloquently about this marvelous thing called adoption.  For now, know that we are grateful and we are heavily dependent on our awesome God.  And very sleepy.