Loss and Remembering.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I am thinking of so many women I know who have said "good-bye" too early to their children.  It's interesting that this day is in October- only a week before Zion's birthday.  Sometimes I'm surprised by the feelings I have when October rolls around.  There are certain things I don't often spend a lot of time thinking about with regards to Zion because they are just too sad to remember.  Like the 19 days he spent in the hospital- the sounds, the smells, the sight of my son, the tightening knot in my stomach every time I walked into the NICU- not knowing what I was going to find when I got there or how Zion was going to look.  We would read Psalms together and I would talk to him and sing to him and pray and cry.  I prefer not to spend so much time dwelling on these moments because they are the most painful.  But when October comes, they creep back into the forefront of my mind without my inviting them and so I let myself remember.  The first anniversary of Zion's birth, I was pregnant with Jubilee.  What a grace to be awaiting another child, but the pain was still fresh and real and almost suffocating.  The second anniversary, we were back in Bolivia after having Jubilee in the US, with a needy 6 month old and trying to get ourselves settled again into life here.  I'm sure we spent some time by his grave and I wept for the child I had lost and for the new one I had gained.  When Jubilee was little, I often wondered if Zion would have looked like her or had her personality.  I couldn't help but think about him as she passed through different stages...the two of them will always have that interesting link.  And now, as we approach his 3rd birthday, I am awaiting an adopted son.  God used the life of Zion to solidify in us a desire to adopt and so I find it appropriate that this anniversary has us awaiting a new life to join our family while we celebrate one that was with us such a short time.  I am thankful for the things God has done in our family, even the things that I would never wish to go through.  It gave me great joy last night to hear Natty pray for her future little brother and say to the Lord, "I love him so much already."  What a gift and a blessing for us all to learn how to trust God more together and be invited in to what is part of the great heart of God- adoption.