Adoption update.

I suppose I haven't updated on the adoption process lately.  What's taken the most time was the thing I thought would be the most straight-forward- the back ground checks.  Unfortunately, that was not the case, but we finally got what we needed and went to meet with our lawyer today around noon.  She checked over our stuff and we typed up a formal letter requesting a boy between the ages of 0 and 1.  What was surprising was how personal this "formal" request was that she will be turning into a judge this afternoon.  She used words like "blessed" and "our desire" and explained that our oldest daughter was already talking about buying toys for her younger brother.  I had kinda imagined a standard letter that had fill in the blanks for the sex and age of the baby and a spot to sign at the bottom...  So, she explained that after turning in our paperwork, within a couple weeks we will begin the process of evaluations- physical, mental, emotional- and that whole process will take a couple months (of mostly waiting).  Then, if all goes smoothly, we can expect them to start looking for our little boy by the end of the year.  Which means, if it's God's will, we could have our baby by the first part of next year!  It's a bit daunting to think it could all happen that fast.  The mommy in me wants my child to be in our house as fast as possible, but there's also a part of me that wants Jubilee to be sleeping through the night and a bit less needy and the room to be set up and _________ (a list of other things that would make the most ideal environment for our family).  I suppose life doesn't work this way and as we've known from the beginning, the adoption process is one of lots of surprises and lots of opportunities to trust that it's all in God's hands and His timing.  Maybe we won't be getting our son until the following year!  You just never know...  But, the next couple of months will be filled with more and more steps to get us closer to meeting our boy and we can't wait!

Loss and Remembering.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I am thinking of so many women I know who have said "good-bye" too early to their children.  It's interesting that this day is in October- only a week before Zion's birthday.  Sometimes I'm surprised by the feelings I have when October rolls around.  There are certain things I don't often spend a lot of time thinking about with regards to Zion because they are just too sad to remember.  Like the 19 days he spent in the hospital- the sounds, the smells, the sight of my son, the tightening knot in my stomach every time I walked into the NICU- not knowing what I was going to find when I got there or how Zion was going to look.  We would read Psalms together and I would talk to him and sing to him and pray and cry.  I prefer not to spend so much time dwelling on these moments because they are the most painful.  But when October comes, they creep back into the forefront of my mind without my inviting them and so I let myself remember.  The first anniversary of Zion's birth, I was pregnant with Jubilee.  What a grace to be awaiting another child, but the pain was still fresh and real and almost suffocating.  The second anniversary, we were back in Bolivia after having Jubilee in the US, with a needy 6 month old and trying to get ourselves settled again into life here.  I'm sure we spent some time by his grave and I wept for the child I had lost and for the new one I had gained.  When Jubilee was little, I often wondered if Zion would have looked like her or had her personality.  I couldn't help but think about him as she passed through different stages...the two of them will always have that interesting link.  And now, as we approach his 3rd birthday, I am awaiting an adopted son.  God used the life of Zion to solidify in us a desire to adopt and so I find it appropriate that this anniversary has us awaiting a new life to join our family while we celebrate one that was with us such a short time.  I am thankful for the things God has done in our family, even the things that I would never wish to go through.  It gave me great joy last night to hear Natty pray for her future little brother and say to the Lord, "I love him so much already."  What a gift and a blessing for us all to learn how to trust God more together and be invited in to what is part of the great heart of God- adoption.