When I look at this picture of our perfectly formed son with all his little fingers and little toes, looking so much like all the other babies I've seen, I find it so hard to believe that he's not still with us. I found it so hard to believe that he would actually die and even when it happened, I couldn't believe it. Over the past year, God has taken me through the valley of the shadow of death and certainly, He walked with me there and brought me back into the light. Having come out on the other side, I wasn't ready for the disbelief that set in again today upon waking on the first anniversary of the birth of our Zion. I wanted to celebrate his life, but how strange it is to celebrate a birthday when the person you are celebrating isn't there to share the day with you! All I could imagine is how he was "supposed" to be sitting in bed with us reading stories like we do every morning. And how he would have been eating cupcakes with us and opening presents and doing all the fun things that we just did with Natty last month for her birthday. His birthday has been a fresh reminder that he will never participate in all these things that we dreamed we would do together as a family.
That said, my hope for this day was really to point out the amazing and gracious things God has done through his life and death. I can't explain the transformation that brought me from questioning God's love and perfect plan to having more certainty in my life than ever before of God's goodness and love. I'm not sure how it happened or when, but going through tragedy convinced me that my only hope is in Christ and that whatever He deems worthwhile for my life is worth it if it means knowing Him more. The other things God has taught me seem minor in comparison to the truth that God's love for us is often not shown in removing us from suffering or preventing it from happening, but in showing Himself to us in the midst of it. I am thankful for that and I am thankful that He chose to use my son for this great work in our lives. We miss Zion and always will, but we are hopeful for the new life God has given us and that we wait expectantly for next year.
3 comments:
" I'm not sure how it happened or when, but going through tragedy convinced me that my only hope is in Christ and that whatever He deems worthwhile for my life is worth it if it means knowing Him more."
Wow, Lisa, what an answer to prayer. Praise the Lord.
Holding back tears in a car full of people right now. Wanting to cry, wanting to hug you and thank you for the real and transparent way you've walked through this hard road. It gives me so much hope in our Father's heart...even in my fear of a tragedy happening in my own life.
Love you, friend.
What a beautiful and touching tribute to the short, but powerful life that was Zion's. Even though God chose to take him home so quickly, even through the pain and anquish, God's goodness and love brought you to the place in which you now stand so securely. We are so thankful for all that He has done. And, we love you, Scotty, Natty and baby Zion very, very much.
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