How did I get here?

I listened to last weeks message from John Piper this morning.  Apparently, for the last few weeks, Bethlehem Baptist Church has been focusing on missions.  Today, Pastor John presented a beautiful picture of the round about way that God opened the door of salvation for every tribe, tongue, language and people and challenged those who have felt that leading of the Spirit to go cross culturally to call the lost in to that open door.  It was a great reminder to me, a missionary, of something that can grow cold in my heart from time to time.  Yes, I live in Bolivia, a country and a culture vastly different from my own.  I plan on staying here, Lord-willing, until my children are grown and have left home.  But, this has become my normal.  Sometimes I forget the calling that God has put on my life, as He has on all of ours if we are His children, to bring good news to all people.  I get caught up in my day to day life, the mundane, and lose sight of the awesome privilege I have.  So, I thought, for my own encouragement and if it would be of use to anyone else, I would remember God's first call and how I came to be in this lovely country.

When I was a teenager, my church had a small room somewhere off the main path called the prayer room.  On the door was a time sheet where you could sign your name for increments of a half hour, all throughout the day and night, to pray for the needs of the church.  The room had a plush chair in one corner, with a lamp next to it, a few devotional books, and a desk where a rolodex of prayer requests from members of the church were hand-written.  There was a cork board next to the desk that had letters from the church's missionaries pinned on and those could also be read through and prayed for.  I usually spent an hour in the prayer room each week and was amazed at how quickly that time went by.  I prayed for people I knew and many I didn't.  I rarely read the missionary letters.  One day, when I was struggling to focus in that extremely quiet place with a soft ticking of the clock in the background, my gaze drifted to the cork board.  I saw an index card with this verse written on it, "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Corinthians 2:9).  All at once, I found myself weeping as I heard, inaudibly but very clearly speaking to my heart, the voice of the Lord compelling me to be one who would take this amazing gift that we can not even conceive of to bless the nations.  And that neither I, nor they, could imagine what He had in store for us, whom He loves.  I knew in an instant that my God was calling me to a lifetime of cross-cultural ministry.  I can't remember if this is something I shared immediately with my family or roommate, but I knew at 17 where my life was headed (in a very vague way at that moment in time).  I felt no compulsion to go immediately, but to follow the "normal" path of gaining first a college education and I entered into a major that interested me, but that I assumed would never be put into practice.  I hope to think those 4 years in school and working matured and prepared me enough to take the big step of leaving my country.  After I graduated, I began the overwhelming process of trying to figure out how and with whom to go.  Food for the Hungry very quickly caught my attention in my web engine search and after spending a few months communicating with them, I flew out to Phoenix to meet the staff and become even more convinced that they were the mission I would set out with.  Shortly after, I had an assignment in Cochabamba, Bolivia working with international youth in a youth group setting.  6 months after arriving in Bolivia, I met Scotty and the rest is history.  This is all very simplified, but the main point is that God moved in amazing ways to bring this shy, home-loving, not adventurous girl to another continent on the other side of the equator for His good purposes.  And, I have seen so many of those loving purposes at work in my life, maybe far more than I've seen how He's used me in the lives of others.  But, I continue to hang on to His call when things get tough, as they have especially in this last year, and thank Him for choosing me.

Half way

20 weeks- hooray!!  The first trimester always feels like it takes forever, since the general sense is all-day yuckiness.  However, the last couple of months have flown by, even being on bed rest.  I keep thinking that since the cerclage, 6 weeks ago, time has gone by so fast, but when I think there's another 3 sets of 6 weeks to go, it feels like birth is forever away.  These days, I feel bigger than I look, I'm hungry all afternoon (more than the morning), I'm tired almost every nap time (Natty's)- whether I went to bed early or not, I'm starting to feel daily movement from the little one, I need to use the bathroom almost constantly, and I am already daydreaming about the perfect birth and arrival of our baby.  The first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning is, "Please protect us today, Lord." and when I lay down to sleep at night, "Thank you so much for keeping us safe and keeping the baby where he's supposed to be."  I've never been so aware of the moment by moment protection of my Father and definitely feel His presence in those moments where there's a twinge of pain or a weird pressure and I wonder what is happening inside of me and if we'll end up in the clinic because of it.  Although God has kept me in great peace, my natural tendency to worry about things outside of my control has brought me to a few times when I just look forward to getting this pregnancy over with (but not too fast!!).  It's such a different experience than I've ever had before, having had such "normal", enjoyable pregnancies with Natalie and Zion.  As much as I am training myself and the Lord is teaching me to trust in Him each day and let tomorrow worry for itself when it arrives, I can't help but have an overall sense that my baby is in constant danger and the simple act of getting up is putting him at risk.  But I also have a strong desire to enjoy the incubation of this little one, thinking that it might be the last biological one for us, but am not sure quite how.  I suppose my "enjoyment" will not be as it was before- going out for tea with my girlfriends in cute maternity clothes or having the "oohs" and "ahhs" from my church family when I show up with a bigger belly each Sunday to church or even frequent daydreaming about the perfect, natural delivery that I've always wanted.  But, instead, an enjoyment of the daily faithfulness of the Lord and seeing Him work in and through my situation to strengthen me and remind me of how powerful and good He is.  I think if I can change my expectations to think this way, the enjoyment will be so much deeper than it has been in the past.

Natty has come out with some funny things since her mommy has been a bit detained in the house.  One of her favorite things to remind me of is, "Mommy- you can't leave the house forever and ever and ever, cause the doctor says you can't go down the stairs."  Thanks for the reminder, Natty.  Another is, "Pregnant ladies NEVER go to church."  Or some form of, "When the baby comes out you can jump with me/I can jump on you/you can teach me to cook/we can walk and walk and walk, etc...".  She's definitely looking forward to things being back to normal.  Me too. :)

Happy 1st Birthday, Zion!

When I look at this picture of our perfectly formed son with all his little fingers and little toes, looking so much like all the other babies I've seen, I find it so hard to believe that he's not still with us.  I found it so hard to believe that he would actually die and even when it happened, I couldn't believe it.  Over the past year, God has taken me through the valley of the shadow of death and certainly, He walked with me there and brought me  back into the light.  Having come out on the other side, I wasn't ready for the disbelief that set in again today upon waking on the first anniversary of the birth of our Zion.  I wanted to celebrate his life, but how strange it is to celebrate a birthday when the person you are celebrating isn't there to share the day with you!  All I could imagine is how he was "supposed" to be sitting in bed with us reading stories like we do every morning.  And how he would have been eating cupcakes with us and opening presents and doing all the fun things that we just did with Natty last month for her birthday.  His birthday has been a fresh reminder that he will never participate in all these things that we dreamed we would do together as a family.
That said, my hope for this day was really to point out the amazing and gracious things God has done through his life and death.  I can't explain the transformation that brought me from questioning God's love and perfect plan to having more certainty in my life than ever before of God's goodness and love.  I'm not sure how it happened or when, but going through tragedy convinced me that my only hope is in Christ and that whatever He deems worthwhile for my life is worth it if it means knowing Him more.  The other things God has taught me seem minor in comparison to the truth that God's love for us is often not shown in removing us from suffering or preventing it from happening, but in showing Himself to us in the midst of it.  I am thankful for that and I am thankful that He chose to use my son for this great work in our lives.  We miss Zion and always will, but we are hopeful for the new life God has given us and that we wait expectantly for next year.

The days roll on...

Finding entertainment while Mommy lies on the couch.

You'd think while on bed rest, I'd have more time to blog, right?  I'm sure I do, but as you can imagine, there isn't a whole lot of exciting stuff happening as I sit on the couch all day.  My day consists of a leisurely morning in bed where I try to entertain Natty through playing with her animals and reading to her until I get tired of that and send her out so I can have quiet time.  She usually comes slinking back in and asks me to read my Bible out loud, at which point she listens quietly for about 2 minutes (or less) and then starts whispering or singing to herself and her animals.  Then she disappears and comes back while I'm praying and asks me to "pray to her"...she means, of course, to pray out loud so she can hear.  It's a little disruptive, but at least she sees a habit in her mommy of spending time with the Lord each day and I love the freedom that not walking around gives me to not feel bad about sitting in bed later than usual to focus on the Word.  After showering, I take up my post on the couch with a few trips into Natty's room when she gets desperate for me to play with her.  Daily, she says, "Mommy, I want you to come in my room and sit real still."  This means that she understands I'm not supposed to be doing much, but she wants me to be with her.  She's been even clingier than usual since I've been home bound and wants to be with me as much as possible, even though we find it quite difficult sometimes to find fun things to do while I'm so limited.  We try to arrange play dates for her a couple times a week, either sending her off like she is right now (at a neighbor's house) or having other kids come by to play for a bit.  This works well and gives Scotty time to get some work done at home while I have the freedom to sit around and not be enticed to get up when I should be sitting.  I did finish a completely hand-sewn doll with clothes for Natty- one of my favorite sewing projects so far and just finished Charles Dickens' David Copperfield, which completely absorbed me for the last week or so.
There have been a few moments of distress as I've felt helpless to really play with and discipline Natty as I would like- struggling to watch Scotty do that as well as a million other things.  Sometimes I get myself settled in one spot and realize I've left behind things I want to occupy my time, but Scotty is out the door, in a hurry, with Natty and there is no one to get those things for me.  So, I sit resigned on the couch to find something else to do until he gets home.  It can be rather tiresome.  Our house help has been absent this week and we are realizing what we already knew to be true- that she is invaluable to us, especially during times like these.
We are continually thankful for how the Lord is sustaining us as a family and keeping me and the baby strong.  We are grateful that He worked a miracle in immigration to get us the 8 month permission to be out of the country when our visas only allow us 3.  If we hadn't received that, we would have lost our visas and had to start from scratch, for the 3rd time, in what is a lengthy, frustrating and expensive process.  God is so good to us!  We wake up every morning thinking about being back in the US and about this time, every time we make plans to go home, we start imaging our home country as this beautiful, orderly, exciting, magical, almost perfect place that we've been away from for so long.  It doesn't take long for our bubble to burst after getting home, but we know that it will be a great blessing to be among family and have some of the enjoyments that we don't have here, as well as the superb medical care.  We're literally counting the days.
It's hard to believe that Zion's first birthday would be next week- can it be possible that my little boy was born almost a year ago??  It's hard to separate him from the pain we experienced in his unexpected arrival and short, rocky life and as I try not to dwell on these times in order to not make myself nervous about this pregnancy, I find myself also not able to think a lot about him.  However, there is always a special place in my heart for all that God has done in me and has yet to do through his life and I am thankful to the Lord for using that little boy to change me so profoundly.  More on that in his birthday post...

I would be remiss to not mention again the amazing husband I have.  He cooked curried lentils yesterday.  He baked chocolate chip and butterscotch cookie bars a week or so ago.  He bathes Natty, dresses her, puts her to sleep, makes her laugh, talks to her animals.  He waits on me like a servant and takes Natty places with him when he knows it will be too much to have me look after her.  He continues in his great attitude and loving service to his family until he's exhausted.  We couldn't do this without him.