The news.

Well, now that the Facebook world has received the news that I'm expecting again, I can finally blog about the things that have been on my mind and heart in the last month that I've known. It's been hard to not blog about it! Let me tell you, nothing prepared me for the emotions and the fears that would flood over me upon realizing that I was indeed pregnant. We didn't really expect it to happen so fast and when it did, my first reaction was sadness. This seems contrary to what most people feel when they find out they're having a baby, but this was the overwhelming emotion. Mainly, it was just another reminder that Zion was gone and that I would never be carrying him in my womb. That's what I really wanted- was to somehow be able to put him back inside and keep going. I didn't want another person in there. A day or so after that, the fear set in. And it was strong. I was convinced I would miscarry or that the baby wouldn't make it full term or all manner of terrible things. But, it wasn't like a passing thought that I would deal with and it would go away for a time- it was constant. I had a total lack of joy and really a hard time even thanking God for this pregnancy because I was totally wanting to protect myself from the possible pain that could incur. It was not pretty. I spent a couple weeks just praying constantly for the Lord to give me peace and help me not to worry or wonder if I could go through all of this again. Out of the blue one day, I really felt that God met with me and put my heart at ease. He also convicted me quite a bit about the tendency I had to reserve my praise and thanksgiving to Him until I was more sure that things were going well. Life is a gift from the Lord and a miracle, but I was not receiving it as such. I wanted to hold on to and nurture my fear because I felt that once I started really believing things would be OK, they wouldn't be. God showed me first, my lack of faith, and then how I was really stealing from Him the glory He deserves for this unmerited gift. I should be rejoicing and sharing with the world how good my God is and showing them how worthy He is to be trusted with all things. My greatest hope with Zion's death was that his short life would not be wasted. Through him, I have learned to trust God in a whole new way, more deeply. And, I have learned to believe that He is a kind and loving Father, even when what happens in our lives doesn't feel like that. But, I wasn't living that out in this pregnancy and so forgetting one of the great things that Zion's life taught me. I know there will be a long road ahead and I am not always comfortable with Bolivia's medical system but I know that my God is with me and that He will work for my good.

So, that's the short of it. On the practical side, I find myself confined a lot to the house again- fighting the all-day yuck feeling and extreme tiredness. I half expected to see twins during our recent ultrasound because I was feeling so tired all the time, more so than I remember with the other pregnancies. What we saw instead was a tiny little baby- about a week younger (barely 7) than we thought- but with a clear heartbeat. That was a happy moment. Natty is excited about the idea of a brother or sister- mostly, a sister these days. Scotty and I are excited about the idea of going home in November to carry out the last half of the pregnancy there where I can be monitored more carefully and deliver in a place with higher medical standards. It will be wonderful to spend the holidays with family and to finally be able to shop in the US for baby stuff. :) So, I welcome your prayers for whatever God has for us ahead and look forward to rejoicing together when our new one is finally in our arms, even while we continue to hold tightly to Zion in our hearts.