We sat down to lunch the other day and I silently hoped it would be a peaceful experience. I knew Moses had a babysitter put him to bed the night before and he went to bed later than normal- both things that can lead to being easily dysregulated.
Dysregulation is a term used in the mental health community to refer to an emotional response that is poorly modulated and does not fall into the conventionally accepted range of emotive response.
Post institutionalized children and any person with a history of trauma struggle often with dysregulation. Exhibit A: while eating lunch, Moses accidentally tips his cup too far and splashes some water on his shirt and cape (he likes to dress as "Super Momo"). The cup slams down on table, the cape is thrown to the floor, he stomps off in a rage and soon I hear the door to his room slam with sobs echoing on the other side. Now, I know some of you might read this and cringe. Then, you would think how you might march upstairs and lay into the kid about being a brat, overreacting, getting downstairs this instant young man and finishing your lunch and apologizing to everyone at the table for your behavior. I've been there. But, parenting Moses has forced us to figure out what is going on inside that beautiful head of his. Because, this is the tip of the iceberg of what we deal with. This particular incident escalated into toys being thrown, kicks, screaming and rolling around on the floor- and this was with me being incredibly patient, loving, present and never raising my voice! You see, much of the "bad behavior" or "conventionally unacceptable range of emotive response" we see is based in fear. Right after this episode ended in tears and snuggles, Moses confided in me, "Mommy, you looked at me the other day like you were going to give me away to someone else." Then he fell fast asleep. So, the Lord graciously gave me insight into two things that were happening. One, he lives with subtle but powerful fear instincts that often lead to self-protective and out of control behavior. Two, he was exhausted, which also leads to a lack of proper control over his emotions.
I write this with a certain amount of fear that one day my son might read it and feel even more fundamentally broken than he already does. What I hope he knows, but what will always be a struggle for him to believe, is how deeply and passionately we are committed to being his parents. Parents that are committed to understanding how his neurological processes have been altered by his early life experiences. Parents who take the time and effort required to rewire those processes. Parents who continue to lean into the rest of God when we've run out of resources, run out of energy, run out of hope. And, I would love to help other people understand my son. To recognize that God has made us wonderfully complicated people who have more under the surface than anyone could know. To not jump to conclusions when they see the external but take the time to peel away some of the layers to see what's happening beneath it all. In the same way that the Son of Man came down, in the flesh, to walk among the broken.
