Oh, my. Does anyone even stop by here anymore? It's been a while... This is mostly because we're living at breakneck speed with no time to sit down and write, or think, or rest, or anything else I used to do. I was inspired to pump out a blog in the last 15 minutes I have before I pick up Natty because I was just reading another adoptive mom's blog where she shares the real story of what adoption is like. I was actually looking for someone to answer the question I have of why Moses, after starting to sleep soundly most nights, is back to waking up screaming and arching his back and generally acting traumatized at night. (I didn't find anything, if you want to know) However, I came across Jen Hatmaker's blog and remembered that maybe some of you out there want to know how it's all going.
Moses. He's adorable. He has one of those smiles I always read about in novels, but hadn't actually seen much of in real life: it totally lights up his face. He's one serious dude when he's not smiling. He is into everything and bored quickly by it. But, we have no yard, so I try to find new and interesting this in the house to entertain him. Today: Daddy's toolbox. You can't poke your eye out with a screwdriver unless you're crawling with it, right? He has a window-shattering scream. And he will use it when he doesn't get his way. He goes through long phases of sulking around the house, crying and throwing himself to the ground when I put him down. At other points, I'll find him happily browsing through his sisters' library for chunks of time. He eats A LOT. Seriously, easily more than Jubilee. He LOVES books. When I pick one up, he'll take a deep breath, let out a happy squeal and crawl as fast as he can into my lap and sometimes bounce. He smiles at people, but doesn't want to be held by them. He actually gets a fair amount of attention around town. In short (or long), he's an amazing baby. I look at him and wonder what awful thing must have happened in his birth mom's life that she was willing to give such a precious boy up. We love him deeply and more every day. But, I have to admit that the switch from 2 to 3 kids has been hard. I think it's amplified by the fact that we are building a house and that Scotty is in a new and demanding job. And, I often feel a certain amount of stress that I don't have any resources (apart from the internet, which is not always incredibly helpful, if you know what I mean) to help me maneuver the waters of adoption. Is he acting this way cause he feels rejected by me or is he just being a normal one year old? Is he waking up more at night because I'm not as attentive to his needs in the day as I should be or is it just normal behavior for a baby who's lived in an institution and spent the first 8 months of his life experiencing consistent trauma? Does he have any common adoption disorders that I'm not aware of or noticing that we could be working toward helping him through?
So, that's Moses. It's hard to condense all the other things that we've been dealing with and learning in these last few months, so I won't try. But, it has a lot to do with being continually disappointed by people (mostly regarding the house), experiencing the ensuing anger, repenting that my heart is still so clouded by sin, and then the Lord helping me to see that my focus is often on everything else but Him. It's been one of the hardest phases in our marriage and family life. So. Much. Stress. Some days I feel OK about it, some days I really don't. Check back in soon and I'll try to go more into that.
