Made new.

I had one of those days recently that is a total energy-drainer for an introvert.  Too many different venues, too many unknown people, too much small talk.  Although I enjoyed meeting new people and had some genuinely encouraging and enjoyable conversations, I felt completely wasted by the end.  Sorta like my brain hurt and I just wanted to go to sleep.  And maybe I was slightly irritable, too.  Anyway, when we got home, I got the girls into bed but I knew it was going to be one of THOSE nights (cue horror music)...Natty was overly tired and Jubilee wasn't tired enough.  Well, after closing the door upon exiting their bedroom, I asked Scotty if I could go take a bath.  I needed to let some of that tension built from my very social day seep out into a warm tub.  I took my peaceful smelling candle and Scotty's iPod and my earphones into the bathroom and checked out for a while.  Yes, I could occasionally hear Jubilee's wailing over my buddy Josh Garrels' crooning...but I chose to ignore it and knew the girls were left in good hands.  Honestly, I would never have asked Scotty to do this a couple months earlier.  I have purposefully kept my blog vague in order to give Scotty some privacy, but he has given me permission to share what he has openly shared with friends since coming back.  He was in a bad place.  It was a long time coming, but we both thought it could be pushed back and crammed down....like a lot of other things Scotty had been pushing back and cramming down.  And me, too, for that matter.  I always thought the term "burnout" just meant that you were tired of doing something and needed a change.  Then, when it happened to us, I realized that it's a lot more involved than that.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Unforgiveness.  Depression.  Lack of hope.  Did I hear you gasp?  Yes, missionaries struggle with these things, too.  If you've known Scotty at all, you know that he is a positive guy.  He can always find a brighter side to a tough situation, or at least laugh a bit about it.  He loves a challenge and loves to bring people along to face it together.  He exudes fun and light-hearted.  That Scotty was gone for a while- longer than I realized by the time we packed it up to come back to the US.  And it was kinda scary for me.  But, without needing to go into too much detail, because I'm still trying to sort it all out in my heart, God has brought so much freedom.  It all seems like a nightmare that happened not too long ago, but the sun has risen and it's brighter and you start to wonder why that particular dream was so scary.  And hope returns.  And joy.  I am so incredibly thankful.

We are making some major changes in our life.  One, is to slow down.  Scotty and I are pretty chill people.  We don't like to rush through things.  We like to think about the things we look forward to doing, plan for them, soak up every moment of doing them and then savor the experience again while we talk about them to each other after.  This is how we do ministry, too, when we're not trying too hard to do it like someone else.  We also want to incorporate a Sabbath day into our week.  There's so much I would love to say about this, but there are some pretty great books that do it so much better than I could.  Check out The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan if you are interested.  We want to learn how to be with the Lord, to hear His voice, to take time to acknowledge Him.  This day recognizes that we were once slaves to sin, like God's people were slaves to the Egyptians- we did not have the freedom to rest.  Then, we were freed!  For the Israelites, this meant a miraculous flee from their captors.  For us, this is redemption through Jesus Christ taking our punishment for sin on the cross.  And now, we are no longer slaves- we have been given permission to rest.  We'll take the Sabbath to remember that.  God Himself rested on the 7th day- He set a model for us because although He needs not rest, He knows His people do.  So this day will also be a time when we remember we are not God.  All our striving and our work and our effort is not enough and it can be missed for a day.  A mindset that says, I'm not in control of what happens today.  And that's good.

The other big change is still a secret until I send out our next newsletter and let our supporters know.  :)  Come back soon and see!  And, thank God with us for all He's done.

Is it that time already?

We were in Gainesville, Florida last week- the town I spent most of my growing up years and where I stayed until leaving for Bolivia.  For some reason, it felt much more nostalgic to be there this time, memories from many years gone by returning and taking me to places in my mind I haven't been for a while.  It might be because I was staying with the parent's of my longest, dear friend Ally.  I probably spent close to as many hours in her home, with her family, as I did with my own.  God taught me a lot about myself in those years and it was good and somewhat surreal to be back again, a mother now, with my own children.  One afternoon, while the girls were snoozing, a rain storm came.  I've explained to Natty in the past how wonderful it is to go outside in a good, heavy rain and run and play and dance.  In Florida, most of the rain storms we have don't lower the temperature all that much, so it's reasonable to run around in them if the lightening isn't too close by.  I sat outside on the big, wooden porch where I've sat so many times.  As a tween, trying to grow comfortable in my own skin, as a teenager, longing to have life figured out, as a young woman, laughing with my girlfriends and seeing the future as wide-open and full of possibilities.  And now, as a not as young woman with some pretty big stuff already behind me but knowing that there's so much more to come.  I sat down in a chair and watched the rain.  Hitting hard the surface of the pool water, making it furiously jump back up.  Blowing through the branches of the huge oak trees with their long mossy arms waving wildly.  Clanging the wind chimes hanging off the corner of the porch.  It was spectacular and so familiar and felt so much like home.  God reminded me of His faithfulness to me over the years- in all stages of my life.  It never ceases to amaze me how faithful God is to His promises and to taking care of His children.  We've seen that in countless ways during this time back- this escape from a rough situation.  We wondered if we'd hear what we needed to hear from God.  Would we have the time and the spiritual sensitivity to listen?  It really is good that it doesn't depend on us…

So, the 2 week mark has hit.  Coundown.  Again.  How many times have we gone through this?  Arriving- feeling like we have so much time stretching before us and an endless list of things we want to do, stuff to buy, people to see.  Hitting the middle and feeling like we've been here forever and the days feel normal and we just kinda live.  Then, reaching the end and realizing that there's still more people to see, more to do, but just not the time to make it all happen.  And, the looming return.  The excitement mixed with apprehension.  The anticipation of reunions with people we love, while unattaching ourselves again from people we love.  And now, the tears of grandchildren saying good-bye to their grandparents- pretty sure that Bolivia could never be as wonderful as free crayons from Publix and libraries and Chic-Fil-A.  But, it's always amazing how quickly re adjust to being back in Bolivia- a country that will never feel as comfortable as here, but is home nonetheless.