One step closer.

Today is the day we've been waiting for since we've gotten back from the states…the day we finally get things rolling again with the adoption.  Our lawyer asked us to meet her downtown where the presidential palace is so she could take us directly to the building where any legal cases involving minors are handled.  We piled the girls in the car and drove down the hill to where the new city bus stops to pick up passengers.  Natty was excited to ride the bus for the first time and I was happy to know that it would be a relatively quick (25 mins.) trip downtown with minimal stops.  The new buses actually have specific stops and won't just stop and pick up passengers wherever, like most of the public transport.  It was full today and after an elderly woman started to stand to give me and Jubilee her seat, a young man got the idea and got up instead.  We were able to sit with Natty smashed against me and Scotty close behind her in the aisle.  The sun was streaming in the windows and the bus was heating up nicely inside- maybe a bit more nicely than was comfortable.  But, before long we were downtown and jumped off the bus, greeted by the picturesque sight of Mount Illimani covered in snow and some dark clouds starting to accumulate around, threatening to be another strangely cloudy afternoon in this very dry season.  We hoofed it uphill for about 7 or 8 blocks, holding tightly to the girls' hands and dodging the pedestrian traffic that was in top gear all around us.  After running across a few busy streets and up some more hills, we finally made it to the beautiful cathedral in the plaza where our lawyer had already arrived.  She led us up another few blocks to an unmarked building where the judicial office awaited us.  Up a few flights of stairs, scooting around yet some more people in a hurry, down a narrow hallway, to an office with a cartoon Dalmatian stuck to the door.  What I saw inside was not encouraging, but fairly typical.  A few guys sat at small desks with hundreds of manilla folders stacked up on shelves all around them, spilling over with the papers inside.  They had brightly colored tags taped to each- some sort of organization system, I'm sure.  I don't think there was a computer in sight.  This is where all the records for each orphan is kept, not to mention other matters pertaining to anything domestic regarding children.  How in the world do they keep track of it all?  How will they keep track of our papers? And, even more important, no wonder there are so many children waiting in orphanages without papers completed so that they can be adopted.  It made me so sad to see that reality,  right there, in front of my face.  There just isn't enough man-power to get it done.  I sat on the floor with the girls outside the office and tried to help them understand the reality of these children without families.  I'm finding Natty less empathetic these days than a mommy would like to see and she's not overly excited about welcoming a little boy into the family either.  I'm trying to help her understand how badly these children need a home with parents to love them and a message of hope offered to them.  I took her inside and held her up over the counter so she could see the mountains of paperwork.  Hopefully, the Lord will get that message to her heart before long.  So, we signed a few things and the lawyer assured us that within a week or two we will have our final interview with this team, get a couple more background checks, and we'll be done.  She also showed us a notebook filled with lined paper and our name scratched at the top.  She said that each week, until we receive our son, we need to come down to this office to sign our names again.  And again.  And again.  It's how they'll know you're still interested, she explained.  So, we have a standing date each week to make the journey downtown, wind our way up to the office, sign our names and be on our way.  For as long as it takes.

After the legal office, we went to feed pigeons in the plaza.  Guess they thought Scotty was a statue...

So. Many. Pigeons.

Are we still considering adoption?

We've had a fair number of people ask if we're still planning on adopting and where we are in the process.  Honestly, when we left here in March, I had to leave behind my hope that we had a child here waiting for us.  It was like a loss because I had already become somewhat attached to this little Bolivian boy that I had never met but was so sure God had hand-picked for us.  But, I knew that Scotty was pretty convinced he never wanted to come back here and I didn't know what the future held.  I tried not to think about it too much because the thought of leaving one of my children behind was too hard to face.  As we dealt with the present crisis of burn-out and how to find healing, adoption got pushed to the back of my mind and heart for a while.  Then we came back to La Paz, after God did an amazing work in both of our hearts, and I knew that I would have to re-open the issue of adoption.  Were we ready?  Did I still want to go through with it?  Could I handle the needs of a third child when it seemed like my first was going through a phase I barely had the strength or wisdom to adequately deal with?  I was in a place of doubt and I began to ask the Lord to make it clear to me again what He had once made so plain in the past.  I shared honestly my fears with Scotty.  What if he's an angry child?  What if he doesn't click with us or the girls?  What if he breaks our hearts?  There are so many questions and no definite answers.  But, in God's mercy, He began to show me the selfishness of my fears and remind me of His call on our family.  He gently brought me back to a place of trust in Him, no matter who He chooses to bring to us.  He made it clear once again that adoption is a part of our family make-up.  And I began to read books on adoption that helped me to see that the resources and tools that are available will be of such advantage to us.  We are not alone and He will provide what we need to face new challenges.
We had a baby dedication at church on Sunday.  As I watched this sweet family holding their little girl before the congregation and before the Lord, I had this strange mix of feelings wash over me.  Almost at the same time I thought about Zion and what the Lord taught me about really giving our children back to Him and confessing that He is Lord over their lives, and also I thought about our future son and the joy of one day standing in that place before our church family committing him to to his heavenly Father.  There was such joyous expectation and also pain together.  There's a book that Natty has called the Hello, Good-bye Window.   In it, a little girl talks about how when her parents come to pick her up from Nana and Poppy's house, she is so happy to see them, but also sad that she has to say good-bye to her grandparents.  She says something to the effect of, "you can be happy and sad at the same time, you know."  I love how that book admits something so common for all of us- something that we experience so frequently but never quite understand.  God in His greatness and mysteriousness is so full of these tensions.  One thing I do know, I am so excited to meet our little one.

God's sovereignty over errands.

So, this morning I took Jubilee to a much needed visit to the clinic to get a vaccine that she is almost a year behind on.  I've been waiting to do it and was sent specifically to the clinic by my pediatrician because she had run out of the vaccine.  When we got to the clinic, there was only one baby ahead of us, but it still took about half an hour before it was our turn.  When I got into the room, the nurse informed me that they don't have that vaccine either.  She did have one of the others that Jubilee is overdue for, but I didn't have enough money on me to purchase it and there is no way of paying a part now and the rest later.  I didn't work too hard to hide my frustration from the nurse and left struggling with aggravation that I was kept, again, from getting the shot that Jubilee has needed for so long.  Scotty then called and told me that his errand he had driven across town with Natty for, had also failed. I managed to get the chicken I needed from the chicken lady, but then got another call saying the vegetable order I had put in to get my weeks worth of vegetables didn't go through.  I had just left a large market area where I could have picked up the vegetables, if I had only gotten the call 10 minutes earlier.

Why do I tell you all this?  One, to confess how easily my heart can turn to bitterness and anger in small things.  Also, because from the time I experienced the first disappointment, I remembered what God has been speaking through various pastors in these last few weeks from the book of Ester.  The issue of God's sovereignty has been hit hard and we've been convinced that all the little details of Ester's life, including the wrong decisions made by her and the people around her, were necessary to fulfill the overarching and greater plan ordained by the Lord.  His purposes are good and perfect and in this mysterious control that He has over all things, He chooses to use all sorts of stuff to bring about His will.  For some reason, it seems easier to trust in this in bigger events in life- like when my kids are sick or some trip doesn't work out.  I suppose because it's more obvious that I don't have the control.  But, buying vegetables and getting vaccines seems like something I have control over and so it irritates me more when I can't make it happen.  I am fighting to believe that even in those seemingly insignificant things, God has a reason for the way it works out.  May He give me the strength and the faith to believe.

The ideal short-term team.

The DGCC team:  deep thinking, light-hearted, ready for anything, funny, patient, loving, self-sacrificing.  We could not have asked for a better group to come spend 10 days with us.  As someone who often needs some space from people, I didn't find myself yearning for them to go.  I liked waking up to these people in my house.  I liked going to bed knowing that some of them were still sitting on my couch whats-apping their loved ones.  I knew that if something went wrong (like no running water in the house), they wouldn't flinch.  We took them to the cable cars, grocery shopping, mountain climbing, errand running, tourist shopping, soccer game watching and eating out.  They served us at our SIM spiritual life conference by preaching a challenging and encouraging word, leading us in worship, loving on and playing with our kids, meeting our colleagues and generally joining in the fun.  Natty fell in love with a few young men on this team.  Jubilee was just happy to have more people to laugh at her antics.  I had a cooking and dish-washing partner who also happens to be a great conversationalist/encourager/friend.  We are so grateful.  And we miss you, Coty, Beth, Joel, Albert, Ty, and Luke!

Home again.

Natty's first day back to school.

Well, we made it.  We're back home, or at least, to the place that feels most familiar.  Natty was not excited to leave the U.S. and come back, but in a short amount of time she started saying, "Mommy, it's like we never left.  Like our trip was a dream or something."  It always feels a bit surreal like that at first.  It is good to be back.  Scotty is often aware of how much better he feels compared to when he left.  He notices that he responds differently to situations that he wouldn't have handled so well before- I notice, too.  We are both excited about what the Lord is going to do this year, in us and through us.  We have so much more to learn still.  So much to try to put into practice.  A few days after returning, we met with our small group.  They were encouraged to hear how God had worked in our lives.  We shared about the freedom we feel to enjoy God and how that should be preeminent in our lives.  From our overabundant joy in Him will we go on to serve Him.  Often, I think we try to do it the other way around, which can lead to all sorts of unpleasant things.  We know; we've been there.  We had our pastor and his family over the Sunday after returning and shared with them.  They expressed how much they enjoy coming to our house to hang out and talk, sometimes about things they don't feel like they can share with just anyone.  That's our greatest desire for our home- that it would be a place where people can come as they are and feel freedom and grace.  We can't wait to have our own place with more space for this kind of meeting.  We've met with a contractor, scratched him off our list, and are moving on to others.  It feels like progress.

And yet, along with all this positive, there are already great struggles.  Natty has been dealing with some issues that are so far beyond my scope as a parent.  Her thoughts, her words, her reactions- they frighten me sometimes.  Could it be the result of another big change?  Are we under some sort of spiritual attack?  This isn't the first time we've dealt with this.  I find myself running to the Lord and pleading for His help.  I am fighting my own tired soul and choosing to believe that He can work in her heart and knowing we must persevere.  When Zion died and I was struggling so much to believe that God was good, I had a friend who always told me she would trust God for me.  That's stuck with me and I want to stand in that place for my daughter.  When she can't trust God, I will do it for her until she learns to do it on her own.  I want her to see that no matter what, He is worthy.

Made new.

I had one of those days recently that is a total energy-drainer for an introvert.  Too many different venues, too many unknown people, too much small talk.  Although I enjoyed meeting new people and had some genuinely encouraging and enjoyable conversations, I felt completely wasted by the end.  Sorta like my brain hurt and I just wanted to go to sleep.  And maybe I was slightly irritable, too.  Anyway, when we got home, I got the girls into bed but I knew it was going to be one of THOSE nights (cue horror music)...Natty was overly tired and Jubilee wasn't tired enough.  Well, after closing the door upon exiting their bedroom, I asked Scotty if I could go take a bath.  I needed to let some of that tension built from my very social day seep out into a warm tub.  I took my peaceful smelling candle and Scotty's iPod and my earphones into the bathroom and checked out for a while.  Yes, I could occasionally hear Jubilee's wailing over my buddy Josh Garrels' crooning...but I chose to ignore it and knew the girls were left in good hands.  Honestly, I would never have asked Scotty to do this a couple months earlier.  I have purposefully kept my blog vague in order to give Scotty some privacy, but he has given me permission to share what he has openly shared with friends since coming back.  He was in a bad place.  It was a long time coming, but we both thought it could be pushed back and crammed down....like a lot of other things Scotty had been pushing back and cramming down.  And me, too, for that matter.  I always thought the term "burnout" just meant that you were tired of doing something and needed a change.  Then, when it happened to us, I realized that it's a lot more involved than that.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Unforgiveness.  Depression.  Lack of hope.  Did I hear you gasp?  Yes, missionaries struggle with these things, too.  If you've known Scotty at all, you know that he is a positive guy.  He can always find a brighter side to a tough situation, or at least laugh a bit about it.  He loves a challenge and loves to bring people along to face it together.  He exudes fun and light-hearted.  That Scotty was gone for a while- longer than I realized by the time we packed it up to come back to the US.  And it was kinda scary for me.  But, without needing to go into too much detail, because I'm still trying to sort it all out in my heart, God has brought so much freedom.  It all seems like a nightmare that happened not too long ago, but the sun has risen and it's brighter and you start to wonder why that particular dream was so scary.  And hope returns.  And joy.  I am so incredibly thankful.

We are making some major changes in our life.  One, is to slow down.  Scotty and I are pretty chill people.  We don't like to rush through things.  We like to think about the things we look forward to doing, plan for them, soak up every moment of doing them and then savor the experience again while we talk about them to each other after.  This is how we do ministry, too, when we're not trying too hard to do it like someone else.  We also want to incorporate a Sabbath day into our week.  There's so much I would love to say about this, but there are some pretty great books that do it so much better than I could.  Check out The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan if you are interested.  We want to learn how to be with the Lord, to hear His voice, to take time to acknowledge Him.  This day recognizes that we were once slaves to sin, like God's people were slaves to the Egyptians- we did not have the freedom to rest.  Then, we were freed!  For the Israelites, this meant a miraculous flee from their captors.  For us, this is redemption through Jesus Christ taking our punishment for sin on the cross.  And now, we are no longer slaves- we have been given permission to rest.  We'll take the Sabbath to remember that.  God Himself rested on the 7th day- He set a model for us because although He needs not rest, He knows His people do.  So this day will also be a time when we remember we are not God.  All our striving and our work and our effort is not enough and it can be missed for a day.  A mindset that says, I'm not in control of what happens today.  And that's good.

The other big change is still a secret until I send out our next newsletter and let our supporters know.  :)  Come back soon and see!  And, thank God with us for all He's done.

Is it that time already?

We were in Gainesville, Florida last week- the town I spent most of my growing up years and where I stayed until leaving for Bolivia.  For some reason, it felt much more nostalgic to be there this time, memories from many years gone by returning and taking me to places in my mind I haven't been for a while.  It might be because I was staying with the parent's of my longest, dear friend Ally.  I probably spent close to as many hours in her home, with her family, as I did with my own.  God taught me a lot about myself in those years and it was good and somewhat surreal to be back again, a mother now, with my own children.  One afternoon, while the girls were snoozing, a rain storm came.  I've explained to Natty in the past how wonderful it is to go outside in a good, heavy rain and run and play and dance.  In Florida, most of the rain storms we have don't lower the temperature all that much, so it's reasonable to run around in them if the lightening isn't too close by.  I sat outside on the big, wooden porch where I've sat so many times.  As a tween, trying to grow comfortable in my own skin, as a teenager, longing to have life figured out, as a young woman, laughing with my girlfriends and seeing the future as wide-open and full of possibilities.  And now, as a not as young woman with some pretty big stuff already behind me but knowing that there's so much more to come.  I sat down in a chair and watched the rain.  Hitting hard the surface of the pool water, making it furiously jump back up.  Blowing through the branches of the huge oak trees with their long mossy arms waving wildly.  Clanging the wind chimes hanging off the corner of the porch.  It was spectacular and so familiar and felt so much like home.  God reminded me of His faithfulness to me over the years- in all stages of my life.  It never ceases to amaze me how faithful God is to His promises and to taking care of His children.  We've seen that in countless ways during this time back- this escape from a rough situation.  We wondered if we'd hear what we needed to hear from God.  Would we have the time and the spiritual sensitivity to listen?  It really is good that it doesn't depend on us…

So, the 2 week mark has hit.  Coundown.  Again.  How many times have we gone through this?  Arriving- feeling like we have so much time stretching before us and an endless list of things we want to do, stuff to buy, people to see.  Hitting the middle and feeling like we've been here forever and the days feel normal and we just kinda live.  Then, reaching the end and realizing that there's still more people to see, more to do, but just not the time to make it all happen.  And, the looming return.  The excitement mixed with apprehension.  The anticipation of reunions with people we love, while unattaching ourselves again from people we love.  And now, the tears of grandchildren saying good-bye to their grandparents- pretty sure that Bolivia could never be as wonderful as free crayons from Publix and libraries and Chic-Fil-A.  But, it's always amazing how quickly re adjust to being back in Bolivia- a country that will never feel as comfortable as here, but is home nonetheless.

Rest.

Not too shabby for our week away.

Scotty and I played some frisbee golf during our retreat.

Today Natty woke up in a foul mood.  She entered into what I call the crazy or irrational cycle during which she works herself up into more and more emotional angst over absolutely nothing and there is no known successful method of getting her out of it until she is ready.  I usually end up very weary and quite annoyed in the process.  Then I took a walk.  It was a cold morning, but clear and beautiful and quiet.  I put on some music and started walking- fast.  The songs seemed to speak to where I was at and I had some time to pray, listen and process.  It was just what I needed.  Scotty and I spent 8 glorious, child-free days at a bed and breakfast last week.  We were taking part in a SonScape retreat (highly recommended for anyone in ministry) and we were given a gift of free time and an encouragement to take a technology fast for that time.  It was so worth it.  We slowed down- a lot.  We read, we slept, I took baths, we played, we walked, we talked, we sat in silence, we processed and we were filled.  God did a lot in those quiet moments.  And, he used our leaders to remind us of how important it is to just be.  To rest.  To slow down.  And, to fight against the frantic, crazy, always buys, always connected life-style that most of us have gotten used to. We learned a lot about ourselves in the process and made a lot of decisions about how we want our future to look as a family in Bolivia.  We were able to see how we got to the very unhealthy place we've been in and God, in His immense grace, was able to move us further out of it and help us to think about preventing ever returning there...hence, the walk this morning.  One of the best weeks of our lives.

Slow down and smell the spaghetti sauce.

Chayila trying to pull all 3 in the Flyer.

Sitting at the breakfast bar on my parents-in-law's kitchen island, I can see a large skillet bubbling full of Papi's famous home made spaghetti sauce.  Jubilee and Natty are playing with their only 2 cousins that they see only once every few years.  Toys are scattered on the floor and even though we've had a rainy day, the skies have desisted long enough for the girls to be out in the flyer wagon enjoying the cool fresh air.  My sister-in-law, mother-in-law and I went for a mid-day workout, which will make stuffing far to much spaghetti in my face later a little less of a guilty pleasure.  The kids are all sleeping in the upstairs loft together at night- something that made me a bit nervous at the beginning but as it's on the other side of the house from my bedroom, I am doing my best to not worry about it since I can't hear what's going on up there anyway.  Papi and Mimsie have graciously gotten up early with the girls every morning that we've been here, and although I'm up as soon as they are (just their boom boom footsteps on the ceiling wake up my sensitive mommy-ears), I know I can lounge under the covers for a few more minutes before I get out.  The intense maternal instincts have made sleeping so far from them a bit tricky at times, as I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I didn't just hear a cry far away from the kiddie loft.  Like last night, for example, when I sprang out of bed and launched into the intense darkness of my room (like, can't even see my fingers in front of my face dark) trying to remember what house I was in and what my room looked like and where the door was.  The joys of travelling...  I about headed into the bathroom before realizing I was off a bit and then adjusted my route and managed to make it out into the hallway.  It was so dark in the hallway that I found myself inexplicably tottering over to one side or the other and bumping into the walls.  I guess seeing helps with balance.  I tiptoed to the bottom of the stairs where the girls are, listened, heard nothing, and returned to my bed.  I've done this almost every night.  It feels so good to be in a place where not hearing my kids at night is my greatest concern.  The days have been laid-back and enjoyable, just being with family.  Since we don't have a hard-core travel schedule this home assignment, it's such a relief to just be.  To slow down and enjoy the wind and the sun and the trees and our families.

The home land.

Well, we've been in the US for a little over a week now.  It seems like the time is moving very fast.  It's amazing how quickly the days go by when you spend a good part of either the morning or afternoon or both at doctor's offices or looking for clothes on sale or visiting a local playground.  It's much colder here than I expected so I left our plethora of winter clothing behind us in hopes/delusion of warmer times...  I had to make a trip to Goodwill just to get some jackets for the girls.  My parents have recently moved to a new state (South Carolina) and so we are enjoying getting to know the surroundings and their beautiful home, as well as starting to connect with friends we have in the Charlotte area.  Next week, we'll head to Tennessee for a week with Scotty's folks and then off to a retreat sans children for a whole week!  We have high expectations for that time and are praying for the Lord to speak to us and start a new work in our hearts.

Highlights so far (these might not be so exciting to those of you who haven't lived in a developing country):

IHOP- oh my gosh- whipped cream and giant pancakes.
Fast internet.  My list could end here with the great joy this brings us.
Playgrounds that focus on child safety.  No rusty nails or missing boards or broken swings or broken glass.  And they are EVERYWHERE.
Retail stores with clearance sales.
Trees.
WIDE roads.
Siri.  My new best friend.
My parents.  Always available when we need them.
Cereal.  So much variety!
Flushing toilet paper.  Ironically, Natty still throws hers in the trash can 90% of the time and giggles when she actually remembers to put it in the toilet.

Chocolate chip pancakes.  I think she's excited.

Hopefully, the next few weeks will bring some more significant thoughts and processing that I can share.  One thing I'll say for this country- it is easily distracting.

A step back.

We've had some pretty rough days around here.  We've reached a crucial moment in our lives and ministry where the necessity of seeking some help, restoration, guidance and rest has made itself very evident.  It all happened fast and also slow- but either way, we're boarding a plane tomorrow to head back to the US for a time.  I think I've gone through every possible emotion, several times.  The overwhelming thought and feeling that reoccurs often is that I love my life in Bolivia.  It's not perfect and there are some things that I still miss about the States, but I have such an incredible community here.  As we said good-bye to families at church, Scotty and I felt so appreciated, supported and encouraged.  Our work has not been in vain, even though it feels like that sometimes.  God has used us here, in ways we are not often aware of and we don't want to forget that or choose to believe otherwise.   And, I have some real, deep friendships here…both with nationals and ex-pats.  My girls are thriving.  I love raising them in another culture, in another language.  But, we need to hear from the Lord anew.  We want His call on us to be serving as missionaries to be refreshed.  We want to know ourselves more- who He has created us to be and with what gifts, so that we can better serve with joy.  So, we have chosen to step out for a bit in order to find that still, small voice that has gotten muddled with the rest of it.  I think we are so blessed to be able to do this.  Not everyone has the chance to stop and take a break and seek emotional and spiritual health.  The Lord is good to give this time to us.  There are so many praying and for that, we can't be more thankful.  We are learning to depend on the Lord in a deeper way again and to call out to Him more than before.  We trust that He will pick us up out of the pit and put our feet on higher ground.  We pray that our marriage will be stronger, that our family will be more united.  We have hope and we know we will not be disappointed.

Books.

I love to read.  Always have.  My tastes have changed and I've picked up more classics and challenging reads as I've gotten older.  The Kindle has given me unspeakable joy, since the airline weight limits keep us from bringing almost any books back.  Still, we have quite a library and an ever growing pile of books that I haven't gotten to yet on our shelves.  I suppose having two little ones and usually feeling fried at the end of the day, I'm not tearing through stuff as quickly as I might like.  I feel like reading is one of those things that keeps my mind fresh, challenges me to think harder than I naturally would in my somewhat lazy natural self and gives me fodder for conversation with my husband and other booky friends.  And in some cases, it gives me a few moments to escape to another world or another time and completely forget, if even for 20 minutes, the weariness of my day or my concerns.  So, as others before me have done, I decided to share what I am reading right now.  I never thought it a good habit to have more than one book going at a time, but with so much to read, I've started getting into more than one.  Also, if it's a particularly weighty non-fiction, sometimes I also want the chance to jump between that and something fiction that I don't have to try so hard to apply to my life while I'm reading it.  Without further ado:

1.  Lord of the Rings- Book one.  I've been wanting (or feeling a duty) to read this series for a long time now.  I just read The Hobbit for the first time a month or so ago and loved it...so I knew I would enjoy these, too.

2.  Instruments in the Redeemers Hands by Paul David Tripp.  This one is incredibly in depth and at some points reads a bit like a counselling text book.  I have enjoyed the half that I've read but found that there's so much info that I can't keep it all in my head.  However, I believe it's pretty invaluable in helping each one of us to be a better listener and point those in crisis (including ourselves) back to Christ.

3.  The Grand Weaver by Ravi Zacharias.  This is my first Zacharias book.  I've heard so many good things about him and have wanted to read something by him for a long time.  I've barely started but already love the way he tells stories and shares important truths in a practical and interesting way.  I think I'm going to really like and be challenged this one.

4.  Created to Connect: A Christian's Guide to The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  This one is a handbook that you can download free online.  It goes along with the author's book, The Connected Child, which I found incredibly helpful (in theory, for now) and practical in helping parents to understand the varied challenges a child adopted from a "hard place" deals with.  I'm looking forward to going through the end of chapter questions with Scotty as we continue to pray for our little guy and the wisdom and grace we need to be his parents.

So, there you have it.  I'm kinda crawling through most of these since time doesn't allow each day for a lot of reading.  Except for children's books, of course...

This is my life.

I just found this blog that I had written before Christmas and never posted:

Last night Natty called to us because she had a bad dream.  5 minutes later she called again because she was still scared.  She eventually ended up in our bed because she had a tummy ache that led to a good part of the night in and out of the bathroom.  The girls are magnetically drawn to me when they're in bed with us and so I got a decent amount of kicks and "my tummy hurts" and "Mommy, I need water."  This is my life.  Today, the girls were a bit sensitive (or cranky) because of lack of sleep.  Jubilee found out she could spit...and then spit on everything and everyone around her.  It was pretty exciting.  Natty got mad because Jubilee ripped up her home-made ornament and put bits of it in her hair like hair clips.  Natty begged me all day to read to her, so I did, but then she cried when I had to do something else.  This is my life.  I had a long-overdue conversation today with a good friend and we mostly talked about our kids.  I had another conversation with a friend who just had a baby and we talked about our kids as babies.  When I pray, it's often about my kids.  I can't help but recount to Scotty when he comes home all the funny, silly, annoying, terrifying things the girls did that day.  This is my life.  And I love it.  I love knowing that despite my imperfections, my lack of patience, my absolute quandary at times about how to deal with things, I am the person God chose to love, protect, guide, play with, and discipline my children.  I love knowing that no matter how exhausted I am at the end of the day and how much I desire to work out more or have more time to myself, I couldn't be doing anything more important with my life right now.  I don't forget that it's a gift to be home with my children and enjoy these years that pass by quicker than I could have imagined, even though some days I wish it was bedtime already.  This is the life God has given me and it is sweet.

The devil's molar.

The molar.

On the other side of town there stands a mountain, capped with an interesting configuration of rock, that from many angles looks like a molar.  Why someone decided it should be named after the devil is beyond me.  But, we can see this impressive mountain from our house and Natty often asks if we can go climb it.  Scotty and I have done the hike before and it does have pretty spectacular views of the city from the top.  Today, after waffles, I was looking out the window and the molar was peeking out from between two cloud layers and calling to me.  I said, "Let's go climb devil's molar!" and just like that, we were out the door.  You can start from the bottom of the mountain and walk your way up, but that takes several hours.  We chose to drive most of the way up, got stuck in a bit of mud, and then decided to stop there and walk the rest.  It was a bit hairy on the narrow, winding road up with the car wanting to fish tail back and forth.  Lucky for me, I'm married to an expert muddy road driver and he had us safely up in no time.  Natty loved the hunt for mushrooms while Jubilee declared the mud to be "eeew!" a few hundred times before getting distracted by other things.  Both girls did amazingly well and when we managed to get up to the rock part, which actually is a bit of a tricky climb, Natty was quite the trooper.  She gripped the rocky walls and kept moving forward, even when she was afraid of slipping and falling.  With a light drizzle and lots of slippery stones, rainy season might not have been the best choice, but the mist covering the fields and the clouds hovering above the city made a dramatic sight.

Looks pretty dangerous, right? :)

We didn't expect to get to the top, but we did!  I was so proud of Natty (Scotty carried Jubilee all the way up) and we made sure to heap on the affirmations and share plenty of high-fives.  Natty tends to be a bit afraid of even the slightest challenges, so when she puts her all into something and doesn't wuss out- I'm pretty happy about that.  We felt like an adventurous family today and loved having something so fun and beautiful so close by!

Conquered!

Holiday update.

I've been wondering lately why it is that I haven't been writing on the blog...Am I too busy?  Is my life just too boring to report?  Am I not taking the time to think through the more significant issues the Lord is teaching me or recognizing His work in every day life?  Maybe it's a bit of all of it.  Sometimes, I feel like this time of life with little kids is a blur and you only have enough energy everyday to take care of your house and your kids and get food on the table.  But, I think it can be different.  A friend encouraged me recently to think about what I might want out of this year- something I hadn't really taken much time to ponder before that.  In some ways it seems overwhelming to mentally add anything else to my daily "to-do" list, but I also know that very little will happen apart from the most necessary things if I don't think about it and put effort into making it happen.  So, I took a few minutes the other day to ask myself what I might want out of this year.  Nothing big or unrealistic- I don't want to arrive to the end of the year and realize I didn't accomplish any of my goals.  But, little things like regular exercise and taking Natty out on dates and having people over and sewing more.  I also realize we will hopefully have another child by the end of the year and so I added that in as a goal since he will take a lot of time and energy.

Natty enjoying the sunset.

The holidays have been busy- mainly because Natty has been off of school since the end of November and my house help has been on vacation for almost that long (I know- poor me!).  Not having someone to help with cooking and cleaning does make a significant change in my daily activities.  I haven't spent nearly as much time playing with the girls as I would have liked because it takes most of the day just to keep up with the most basic household chores.  However, we did decide to take a week away to visit a new beach we haven't been to in Peru.  The drive seemed like it would be shorter than the 9 hours to the Chilean beach, but we ended up in lines at the border crossing for 3 hours, putting total driving time at almost 13 hours.  We passed through some lovely valleys and rice fields and high mountain passes (at almost 16,000ft for extended periods of time!) and then finally through desert before popping out in a tiny beach town with volcanic black sand and hard, crashing waves.  We had a simple, but spacious home about 6 or 7 minutes walking from the beach which we shared with our pastor and his wife and two sons.  What a gift it was to be with them, share cleaning and cooking chores and a bathroom, play together, talk together, eat fish together and relax in the sun.  That time made the trip worthwhile for us, despite messed up or sometimes non-existent sleep schedules, long drives and plenty of house work.  No one said travelling with littles is easy or relaxing, but I'm thankful to have gotten away and given our family the chance to enjoy the beach and warm weather and new places.  I've found that our travelling issues aren't if we should eat at Subway or Chipotle for lunch or which medium budget hotel we should stay in, but how my daughter can manage to use a public toilet without sitting on the rim (or how to pee outside without getting it on her pants!)

or if my baby with the grey face is just sleeping or actually unconscious while we're cruising for 3 hours at high altitude.  I've decided travelling in South America with kids is not for the light-hearted.  But, Natty reported yesterday that her favorite animal to eat is squid- how many 5 year olds can say that?

So, Scotty is back to work full-swing while I continue to hold down the fort with the girls and try to take advantage of peoples' more relaxed schedules by having dinner guests.  The rainy season has official begun and it's a bit chilly and I'm already dreaming again of warmer days.  We await the date for our final adoption interview and work on trusting God as we receive news that our long-awaited house building will probably be put off for another 9 months.  It's good to know each day of our lives has already been worked out by a loving God.

Life is busy (and I seem to be just noticing).

I've been in denial for a while now, but I think I'm finally starting to come to terms with my life getting busier.  I love down-time.  I love having space in my day when the house is quiet and I can read my Bible or sew or look at blogs.  I love feeling like things happen in an orderly way and I can get home in time to feed the girls before it's late and give Jubilee a bath and leisurely put them to bed without rushing.  This doesn't happen like it used to.  There's more to do.  There's so much to do that I can't keep it all straight in my head, which makes it seem more stressful than it is because I haven't figured out how to make it all happen.  A lot of life here is vague and uncertain and a lot of things don't turn out how you expect them to or are as straight-forward as you would like.  For a long time we raged and fumed and got terribly judgmental and impatient about this, but we are starting to come to expect it and roll with it.  However, sometimes it is just annoying.  All that to say, we are in a busy "phase" (see, I'm still staying "phase" as though it's going to pass soon) right now and I haven't been blogging much.  We spent last week in Cochabamba, which was fun, but a lot of hard work for me since I wasn't in my own space and spent pretty much the entire day hanging out with/entertaining the girls.  Scotty took one extra day so that he could spend it with us, which turned out to be fantastic and just enough time to see the highlights of the city together.  We got home and launched into a full week of activities- a good friend having her baby, which included visits to the hospital and meal planning, Natty's last week of preschool (which included one of those vague, frustrating searches for a specific costume that her teacher had asked for), Thanksgiving prep and cooking, having 15 people over to our house yesterday to celebrate the big day, lots of phone calls to make to figure out other pending things that I haven't been able to resolve and then being left with unanswered questions relating to some of that.  Then, I started Christmas shopping today.  I don't have a list.  I don't have the first idea what to buy my little ones or the big one.  But, I managed to score a few good finds and feel good about that.  I'd love to knock it out and just focus on the important bits of the season, including the next 2 months that Natty is out of school and will be wanting much more of my attention that she has for the last year.  Suddenly, I think my days are going to get even busier.

We got a call from our lawyer yesterday who set up December 13th for our interviews with child and family services.  Whoa!  The whole adoption thing just kicked it up a notch.  A little scary and a lot exciting.  We're probably going to squeeze in a much-needed beach vacation right after that since we shouldn't be leaving the city once we have our final interviews and the hunt for Baby Boy Miser begins.  We've decided for lots of reasons to put the house building on hold until the rainy season is over.  I think that will remove some of the pressure that trying to start it soon was creating and there are still a lot of details to work out before we're even ready.  Scotty is probably 5 times busier than I am and I think we're both feeling like the relational part of our ministry is suffering.  But, that's a whole other blog...  

Imports.

Bolivia has a good deal of American imports.  I appreciate this, at times.  Especially when it comes to food.  La Paz, being the capitol, is getting an impressive amount of American food items and British, too.  We also have what I would consider more and more American-style restaurants, coffee shops and clothing stores.  Some of them I ignore because they are United Colors of Benetton, and I can't afford them.  However, I appreciate Magic Time's Krispy Rice cereal, even though it's an X-brand, so that I can make rice krispy treats from time to time.  However, having just passed Halloween, I can say that that is an import I do not appreciate.  A decade ago, Halloween wasn't a word people knew around here.  It's an American import, but Bolivia only got the nastiest side of it.  It's all witches, goblins, dead guys, blood and guts all the time.  You won't see cute little princesses or doctors or toy story characters or cans of soup (my brother dressed up like Campbell's cream of tomato one year) around here.  But, you will see a lot of nastiness and stuff that scares Natty and keeps her from wanting to even enter the grocery store.  Not cool.  Another import I saw today that will be arriving...Hooters.  Seriously?  We don't have a Starbucks or McDonalds but we'll have a Hooters??  I suppose for the country that downloads more porn than any other Latin American country, this should not surprise me.  But, I don't have to like it.

Did I mention we started work on our property?  There is finally movement up there after 6 years of owning and dreaming.  However, because our land and house paperwork has not been processed yet (after 3 years in the government offices), we can't actually build our house.  What we're working on are retaining walls, leveling of ground, etc...  It's enough to keep a team of builders busy for a while and get the money starting to flow out of our pockets.  But, since rainy season started early, I don't think we'll see activity on a foundation until March.  However, we're excited to see something going on and incredibly thankful for God's amazing generosity in allowing us to do this.

Adoption update.

I suppose I haven't updated on the adoption process lately.  What's taken the most time was the thing I thought would be the most straight-forward- the back ground checks.  Unfortunately, that was not the case, but we finally got what we needed and went to meet with our lawyer today around noon.  She checked over our stuff and we typed up a formal letter requesting a boy between the ages of 0 and 1.  What was surprising was how personal this "formal" request was that she will be turning into a judge this afternoon.  She used words like "blessed" and "our desire" and explained that our oldest daughter was already talking about buying toys for her younger brother.  I had kinda imagined a standard letter that had fill in the blanks for the sex and age of the baby and a spot to sign at the bottom...  So, she explained that after turning in our paperwork, within a couple weeks we will begin the process of evaluations- physical, mental, emotional- and that whole process will take a couple months (of mostly waiting).  Then, if all goes smoothly, we can expect them to start looking for our little boy by the end of the year.  Which means, if it's God's will, we could have our baby by the first part of next year!  It's a bit daunting to think it could all happen that fast.  The mommy in me wants my child to be in our house as fast as possible, but there's also a part of me that wants Jubilee to be sleeping through the night and a bit less needy and the room to be set up and _________ (a list of other things that would make the most ideal environment for our family).  I suppose life doesn't work this way and as we've known from the beginning, the adoption process is one of lots of surprises and lots of opportunities to trust that it's all in God's hands and His timing.  Maybe we won't be getting our son until the following year!  You just never know...  But, the next couple of months will be filled with more and more steps to get us closer to meeting our boy and we can't wait!

Loss and Remembering.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I am thinking of so many women I know who have said "good-bye" too early to their children.  It's interesting that this day is in October- only a week before Zion's birthday.  Sometimes I'm surprised by the feelings I have when October rolls around.  There are certain things I don't often spend a lot of time thinking about with regards to Zion because they are just too sad to remember.  Like the 19 days he spent in the hospital- the sounds, the smells, the sight of my son, the tightening knot in my stomach every time I walked into the NICU- not knowing what I was going to find when I got there or how Zion was going to look.  We would read Psalms together and I would talk to him and sing to him and pray and cry.  I prefer not to spend so much time dwelling on these moments because they are the most painful.  But when October comes, they creep back into the forefront of my mind without my inviting them and so I let myself remember.  The first anniversary of Zion's birth, I was pregnant with Jubilee.  What a grace to be awaiting another child, but the pain was still fresh and real and almost suffocating.  The second anniversary, we were back in Bolivia after having Jubilee in the US, with a needy 6 month old and trying to get ourselves settled again into life here.  I'm sure we spent some time by his grave and I wept for the child I had lost and for the new one I had gained.  When Jubilee was little, I often wondered if Zion would have looked like her or had her personality.  I couldn't help but think about him as she passed through different stages...the two of them will always have that interesting link.  And now, as we approach his 3rd birthday, I am awaiting an adopted son.  God used the life of Zion to solidify in us a desire to adopt and so I find it appropriate that this anniversary has us awaiting a new life to join our family while we celebrate one that was with us such a short time.  I am thankful for the things God has done in our family, even the things that I would never wish to go through.  It gave me great joy last night to hear Natty pray for her future little brother and say to the Lord, "I love him so much already."  What a gift and a blessing for us all to learn how to trust God more together and be invited in to what is part of the great heart of God- adoption.

Ano, mano, boca.

That's "anus, hand, mouth" for those of you who didn't take Spanish in school, or maybe just never learned the word for "anus"...  This was the theme of the first 1/3 of today's parenting class.  The chat was given by a big, smiley doctor that is involved in the organization of the course who usually talks and jokes animatedly and shuffles around so much while he addresses his crowd that you'd think he might have been Fred Astaire in a past life.  Well, tonight, he was not his usual happy, light-hearted self.  He was serious.  Because the topic was serious. Very. Serious.  We were talking about intestinal and stomach infirmities that we might run into with our children.  Unfortunately, "ano, mano, boca" is a road many are taking without proper warning and the results are nasty.  We had the pictures to prove it.  And, as though I wasn't already easily scared enough when my kids get sick, apparently Dr. Usually Funny But Not Tonight decided to make us think that every tummy worm or episode of diarrhea would eventually, and sometimes quickly, lead to death.  For real.  He must have made the comment 3 times that he's known of cases in the homes where kids have died in a matter of 3 days from diarrhea.  Ok, I know it can be very serious.  However, there are times, especially with the proper care, when things turn out just fine.  So, I tried to take this class with a grain of salt and also got inspired to up my standards of washing vegetables, just in case...

In happier news, we are one class away from finishing!!  As we wrapped up tonight, the speaker asked for a few volunteers to speak at Wednesday's closing ceremony.  Ceremonies here are a big deal and receiving our certificate for completing this course will be part of that big deal.  Which means lots of formality and speeches and hand-shakes.  All good, unless you are someone who hates to speak in front of crowds in any language (but especially a foreign one) and happens to be seriously pressured by the ENTIRE class staring at them because they think it would be a good idea for one of the foreign couples to share and the German couple already gave a direct "NO."  Scotty and I cave and I assume that we'll get by with him speaking, because it never bothers him, but they insist that both share.  Sigh.  So, now Mrs. Would Rather Clean A Pubic Restroom Than Speak In Public is obligated to share in Spanish during this formal-speeches-only occasion.  Pray for me.

Adoption update

David Huevo

Well, with Scotty's parents here, I haven't done any updates lately.  The big thing is the beginning of our adoptive parenting classes!  Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we leave Natty and a screaming Jubilee (she's VERY attached to me lately) here with my in-laws and drive way up into town where the classes are held at the government offices that work with family and children issues in the city.  We were pretty surprised the first night to see about 30 or 40 couples attending!  I can't say that the sessions are incredibly interesting, but we feel like we're making progress in the process and learning a few things about the realities of orphans in Bolivia and the somewhat broken system of taking care of them.  One recurrent theme that has come up every class is that under no circumstances, EVER, should you return your child to the orphanage after you've adopted him.  Apparently, it has become very common here for people to discover that their newly adopted child is not exactly as they had hoped he would be and so they take it back for a return.  It's awful to think that this mindset is so common and makes you realize that a lot of these adoptive parents must not know that these children are becoming part of their family and are legitimate.  One humorous part of the class is the activity each couple has to do of taking under their wing a raw egg and pretending like it is a child.  Maybe a lot of you, like me, did this exercise in middle school.  I have to admit, I was a little skeptical about "grown-ups" doing this, but I think most people are taking it pretty seriously and have made some pretty elaborate cribs, knitted little hats for their baby eggs, and actually take them out places.  We've named our baby David, after Scotty's dad, because he is here at the time that the egg came into our family.  Natty enjoyed helping me make his crib (a coca tea box) and sometimes wants to carry him and cover him in stickers.  Can't wait till she can play with the real thing!  Recently, I found out that the marriage certificate we had translated and legalized a few years ago (which is necessary for the adoption process) was missing a signature or stamp or something and was thinking we'd have to send it back to the US to have the whole, lengthy, expensive process done over again.  I made a trip to the American Embassy just to make sure that it wasn't something they could do here and they made a special exception and did it for a fraction of the cost!  Thanks God!

Out of the mouths of babes.

During nap time today, I heard Natty singing a little too loudly and went over to her door to tell her to be quiet.  Thankfully, I stopped to listen to what she was singing and came in about here...:

...but, I want to pray for the ones that are going to hell because I want them to go to heaven.  But they're going to hell, to hell!  But I want them to go to Heavenly Father!  I want them to go to our Heaven like me and my family and maybe my little sister who's just a baby.  The Bible says we hated Him, we were His enemies, but He died, He died!  He died on the cross for our sins and He's great!  I love Him more than my bunny, my bunny isn't worth anything more than Jesus!  I don't love my bunny more than God!  'Cause He's perfect, He's perfect!  He died on the cross and rose again...!

Wow!  I stood at her door and silently worshiped with her and thanked God that my little girl is hearing and thinking about spiritual things.  How I pray her understanding grows and that the truths that she sings about now will set her free.

Good-bye: It never gets easier.

One final walk with my walking buddy.

I had to say good-bye to a dear friend today.  She has been an almost daily part of my life these last 3 years and walked with me so faithfully through the darkest times I have experienced.  Words fail to describe the kind of friend she is, but the tears that have been flowing off and on for weeks and now almost constantly this afternoon show just how amazing she is. There is such a struggle on the mission field to not close your heart to people who you know will one day move on, and yet, this friend has shown me that it's worth every bit of the pain to love for a little while.  But it's so hard.  And I don't want to do it again.  And I don't want to watch my little girl say good-bye to the first real friend she's ever had.  And I can't imagine my life without her in it.  As the elders and their families gathered today to say farewell and to pray, our pastor shared how God has given him the comfort of knowing this separation is so small in comparison to eternity that we will share together around the throne.  Yes, thank you, Lord!  But, I still can't help feeling like it's friends like these that I need NOW when there is still pain and darkness and confusion to work through.  And also so much joy and faith and hope to share together!  Still, I am thankful.  For 3 years.  For amazing memories.  For the things I've learned from her.  For the hope of paths crossing again down the road.  For the peace that God gives beyond the sadness that He is good and He will bring more good for us both.

Concrete steps

We finally got around to signing up for our 3 week parenting class that is one of the prerequisites for adopting in Bolivia.  Other than getting all your paperwork legalized and a basic background check and house check, I don't think they require anything else of prospective parents.  Except, maybe, patience with the system.  It took us ages to get to the government office where we needed to pay our money and get our name on the list because of the mid-day traffic when people get off work for a several hour lunch break and all the kids are leaving school for the same reason.  When we entered the building we were ushered around to several offices, each person saying, "Oh, you need to go down the hall to such-and-such office" before we found someone who would sign us up.  The people working there were friendly, but the building was so old and creaky and a bit dingy and pretty typical for government office buildings here.  It made me think about our son and where he might be living and what kind of similar or worse conditions the first few months of his life will be like.  I've felt it before, but it was stronger yesterday- I feel like my son is out there in an unknown location with unknown people "caring" for him (and I pray they are caring so much more than can be standard in these orphanages) and I so desperately want to bring him home from all that.  It felt good to be taking one concrete step toward that goal and I'm hoping by the time we finish the classes, we'll also have our paperwork in order to turn in to the judge.  Then, we wait.  I have no idea how long it might take and I want to think it will be quick, but that doesn't seem to be the typical story with adoption.  We're ready for you, little one!

The gift of rest.

I don't even know where to begin sharing about my trip to Belize.  One, I am incredibly thankful that all my flights were on time and I didn't have trouble finding gates and such.  After travelling with Scotty for as long as I have, I kinda felt nervous about doing international travel on my own.  It's always fun for me to land in Miami and think, "I'm in the States!"  Everything is greener, more organized and bigger.  After walking around the airport for a bit, I even found Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts- my main goal for that leg of my trip.  Touching down in Belize was exciting, but the trip wasn't over yet.  After disembarking, I pushed through the wooden doors in the airport labeled "connecting flights" and met a wave of hot, humid air and a sea of bright, Caribbean colors welcoming me from the tourist shops all around.  I started regretting that I hadn't changed out of my jeans in Miami, but the AC in MIA had me shivering until I boarded the plane.  Before long, I was walking back out onto the tarmac with about 6 other people to jump on board Tropic Air's tiny plane that would fly me to the island where sweet times awaited me.  I kept my eyes closed and breathed deeply through my mouth and nose, expecting the tiny plane to bump and leap through the air, making me nauseous as other small planes have done in the past.  At one point, I was wondering if we had taken off yet, so I opened my eyes and found we were smoothly sailing over turquoise waters.  I watched as we flew over small, uninhabited islands and chuckled when on one side of the plane a small, grey cloud was dumping water on one land mass while on the other side, those islands were basking in cloudless skies.  15 mins later, we landed in San Pedro and my dear friend Ally met me with her joyful smile and a big hug.  The next few days were a blur of sun, warmth, humidity, wind, sailing, kayaking, snorkeling, swimming, meeting new friends, laughing, crying, talking, praying, and resting.  The YWAM base where Ally lives and works must be one of the most relaxing places on Earth (especially when you are there sans children and responsibilities).  It didn't take long for me to unwind and learn to enjoy being still again, reading, staring at the incredibly calm, green-blue waters and just being.  I needed to learn how to do that again and the Lord took that opportunity to speak to my heart and to reunite me with my dearest friend who brings life and joy wherever she is.  I skyped a few times with my family while I was away, but felt so confident in my capable husband, that I never felt distracted by concern for the girls.  What a precious gift to a mom of young kids- time away to be alone and with an encouraging friend on the beach.  For that week, I wanted to be no where else.

Trying to get a good pic with the wind whipping our hair...reminds me of the beauty of laughing with a good friend.

Uyustus: Shop till you drop!

Uyustus market from above.

The other afternoon Scotty offered to stay home with the girls so I could do a bit of market shopping.  There are some places in La Paz you really don't want to go through the hassle of dragging small children to and Uyustus St. is one of them.  Uyustus is this amazing assault on the senses that is filled with everything you could possibly imagine.  Clothes, shoes, hardware, electronics, toys, make-up, pool items, household goods, etc...  And, the prices are much better than that same stuff that you could find down where we live.  So, I drove into town, parked, and hailed a cab.  The first 3 rejected me- getting there takes a while through the worse traffic in town.  The 4th guy offered a price, I agreed, and we were off.  Shortly into the drive, he began asking me questions about myself and how long I lived here.  He decided I was practically Bolivian after 7 years in La Paz.  He asked me what I was out to buy today (since everyone knows this market is for those who are doing some serious shopping- this is no quick run-in to Target).  He found out I had 2 girls and laughed, as though I was joking, when I told him we were going to adopt a boy.  We seem to get this incredulous response quite often when we share our plans to adopt.  He shared that he had 4 sons and that they love their mamma.  I told him that's why I needed a son, too- my girls are quite attached to their daddy.  As we neared (after going through lots of sketchy back streets that had me only a tiny bit nervous he was kidnapping me), he kindly reminded me several times to be careful- lots of thieves around here.  I thanked him and was off.  The street runs steeply up hill and is cut into two lanes by vendors set up down the middle.  I'm never quite sure which lane to walk down and tend to switch back and forth indiscriminately, trying to see everything.  It was packed this particular afternoon and every few minutes, hunched over men with enormous, heavy cardboard boxes strapped to their backs would rumble through (always uphill for some reason), calling continuously to make space.  Every block or so would waft the stomach churning smell of something frying in an open skillet.  Occasionally I would duck into side "galleries" to check out larger stores inside the buildings instead of just the vendors set up under tents.  There are easily hundreds of people selling their wares on this street that can't be more than 10 blocks long and it is truly an exhausting experience.  I found the toy ghetto that was another 100 vendors selling mostly the same cheap, Chinese imported toys, with a few Bolivian made crafts dotted throughout or imported, over-priced American items.  I bought nothing there, even though Natty's b-day is coming up in 2 months.  By the time I got down to the end of the street, it was dark, windy, drizzling and rush-hour.  I felt nervous getting in a cab up there- only because I've heard too many stories and known too many people who have had unfortunate experiences with taxis in places like where I was.  I decided to start walking until I got into a more well-known area and saw some interesting things along the way.  Passed the cloth/sewing market, the tupperware/baby goods market, the hardware market, the traditional dress stores, the cheap bridal dress stores and everything in between.  About a mile down, I happened to see a trufi (public transport minivan) heading my way that would take me back to my car.  I squeezed in the front (always my preferred seat since you can only fit one more in next to you and the driver) and settled in for a long ride and some people watching.  It probably only took 45 mins to get back to my car, which isn't bad for rush hour through the middle of town.  And, I actually made it home in time to say good-night to Jubilee.  Want to know what I got?  2 swim caps, 2 lbs. chia (half the price of what they sell it for where I usually shop), a Pooh Uno game for Natty, pink leggings for Natty, white sweater for Natty, and 2 sippy cups.  Was it worth it?  Probably not-but it was fun...

Big sister's prayer

Last night Natty requested that we pray for her little brother.  I think she just wanted to hang out a little longer before going to bed, but what followed was so special to me.  Her prayer went pretty much like this:  "Dear God, thank you for my little brother.  Please help him not to be afraid in the orphanage.  When he cries, let someone run over to him and pick him up.  I pray he will be nice and not be afraid when he comes home.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

It's official...

...We're expecting a baby!  Ok, not in the feeling nauseous, growing tummy, 9 months kinda way...but, in the adoption kinda way!  It might actually include a bit of feeling nauseous and possibly take 9 months, but there's no way to know yet.  We've just taken the very first baby step in meeting yesterday with a lawyer who has worked with two other ex-pat families and seems very competent/nice.  Her mom is a lawyer who actually exclusively does adoptions, so they will make a good team.  What she had to share wasn't very new, since we've asked a fair amount of questions already, but we were a bit disappointed to hear that getting an infant under 6 months of age is impossible.  Even getting one that young is rare.  From how she talked, it sounds like almost everything about your child is completely dependent on who is available at the time you turn in all your paperwork and who the judge thinks would be appropriate for your family.  You can request gender and give a preferred age range, but the rest is up for grabs.  So, we're slightly nervous about that, but also are praying that we can rest in our Father who already knows who this son of ours is, what kind of baggage he might come with and is already preparing us to know how to love him and help him.  So, first step- get our birth certificates translated and "legalized".  We left the lawyer's office feeling very vague about that process, but know of a couple people here who are going through or just finished their adoptions and so we will be bothering asking them lots of questions.  I'm ready to get things rolling, since I know paperwork can often lag in the most efficient of countries and we've been here long enough to know this is not one of those countries.  So, this has officially become an adoption blog in addition to big and fat- I hope it can one day be helpful to someone as so many other adoption blogs have been helpful to me.

It's back!

So, a few weeks ago my computer went a bit crazy and wouldn't let me log on.  I would turn it on and it would slooooowly load up and then turn itself off and repeat this ridiculous process about a dozen times.  Annoying and weird.  Then, we went to Cochabamba for a week and just tonight, we finally got a techie out to fix things.  So simple for him- wish I was more technological.  So, a report from Cochabamba.  Normally, we love this city where we met and love being able to take a half-hour plane ride to get there.  This time, the second we touched down, the faucet in Jubilee's head turned on and there was constant running out of several orifices for the next week.  Boo.  We went a couple days before our yearly SIM mission conference to chill and enjoy the somewhat warmer weather, but ended up cancelling our plans out to the mission cabin on the lake (so peaceful there!) and spending a fair amount of time worrying (OK, maybe it was just me) about J who was running a high fever and coughing too much.  We still felt pretty relaxed by the time at Dale and Debbie's house since they have a nice yard and happened to have the last season of a TV show we are totally into recorded for us to conveniently watch on their big screen.  Score.  Natty adores a yard and morning and night would find her outside crunching leaves, rolling around in the grass and exploring the garden.  I suppose I must admit that the poor girl lives in a bit of a concrete jungle around here.  Just today, however, I asked God to help me not complain about that...so, let us continue.  A good friend of mine that I called when I was worried about Jubilee passed on the prayer request for her health to our pastor who must have conveyed that the situation was a bit more grave then it really was because we received a fair amount of phone calls from our church family, with worry in their voices, asking if she was OK.  At least a dozen people asked me at church on Sunday how she was.  Apparently they prayed together as a church while we were gone and that same day, her high fever passed.  Awesome God.  Anyway, Monday we drove over (with a ridiculous amount of luggage for a week away) to a "retreat" center (we're still in a developing country- so not so "retreat" as I would like) and I have to say I was happily surprised with the locale.  It was big and sprawling and filled with trees and plants and quite pretty.  The rooms were decent and we scored a working bathroom and Natty immediately became best friends with the director's 5 year-old daughter who didn't leave her side but to sleep.  Although we suffered some rough nights with Jubilee still working through her cold and only one nap for her the whole time we were there (she usually takes 1 or 2 a day), it was so nice to be with our SIM family.  I'm not just saying it because maybe some of them read my blog, but I absolutely love our SIM mssionaires.  For the majority of them, this is the one time a year we see them and it is such an encouragement to hear about what God is doing in their lives and churches and just have fun together.  This year, we had "travel logs" by the international members of our team and got fun explanations and pictures of their home counries- including New Zealand, Malaysia, Australia, Argentina, Columbia, Holland, and Switzerland.  Cool, right?  Our days consisted of a fairly early breakfast, prayer time, a morning session with a speaker from the US, lunch, rest time (at which point I usually sat as silently on my bed as possible waiting for Jubilee to fall asleep and usually getting way too frustrated when she didn't), afternoon expo where we got to chat, by region, with missionaries about their ministries, dinner and then games.  The awesome thing about people coming down from the US is that there is always a team that does a kids program so we can drop off the munchkins and focus on grown-up things.  What a gift!  I appreciated the time away and how good it feels to be back in your own bed when it's all done.  So, for the last couple of days, we haven't had internet and I've found myself a lot more productive.  Now that it's fixed, I'll have to be a bit more disciplined in how I spend my time.  Natty is on winter break for a few weeks and I'm hoping to make the most of the time with her.  She loves to be at home, but that means sitting around getting colder in the house.  Today I had on fleece socks, a long sleeved shirt, two jackets and a hat- but I was still cold.  Maybe I should pray about not complaining about the weather, too...  To end on a positive note- I've written to an adoption lawyer so that we could meet up and chat about what the next steps look like.  Eeeeeeee!

Ten years.

Trying new Bolivian food with new roomies and new friends.

This week I celebrate 10 years of being in Bolivia.  Although it doesn't feel as exciting as a birthday or Christmas, I want to take time to reflect on all that the Lord has taught me and His faithfulness over this last decade.  I arrived in Cochabamba, Bolivia the first week of June, 2003.  I immediately started 3 weeks of training with my sending organization, Food for the Hungry, and met my 3 lovely new roommates.  I got my first taste of La Cancha, an enormous, stinky, amazing market where you can find just about anything there is to be found and then some.  I spent a lot of time there my first couple years in Bolivia and bought a whole new wardrobe there (which my mom pointed out at one time during a visit home was made up of "ratty" clothes).  I learned Spanish, I learned that I'm not very self-directed, I met a wonderful friend who challenged my Biblical understanding of life, I had lots of girl-time with my roomies, I met and fell in love with my future husband and I started to grow roots in Bolivia.  It wasn't long upon arriving to this new world that I felt I could happily stay forever.  Most people have a honeymoon phase when moving to a new country, and this was no exception, but there was also a real confirmation that God had plans for me here.  Fast forward a few years and I return married to Scotty, in a new city (La Paz) and ready for a new chapter.  This chapter has brought joy, sorrow, life, death and much grace.  I've made some very special friends here and said good-bye to many of them.  I've grown more sure in my faith while being challenged to the very core of that faith.  Through all of it, I've seen repeatedly a faithful Savior who loves me and my family and longs for His own glory through every situation He's allowed in our lives.  When I first arrived, I was a learner, soaking up everything I could with regards to the culture, the language, the people, the country.  Now, it is all so familiar and there is so little that surprises me that I think I've plateaued a little in that learning.  I'd like to return.  My Spanish is good, but it could be so much better.  Just as in my walk with Christ, I want to continue growing in my understanding of Bolivia and learn to appreciate the life I live here more each year.  God is at work here in a big way and I am thankful He's letting me and my family be a part of that.  Here's to the next 10 years...

Jubilee and the two bad mice.

Natty has lately enjoyed reading from a large volume of the works of Beatrix Potter.  One story that both of us like a lot is called The Two Bad Mice.  Maybe it's the British English of the late 1800's thing or just a literary thing that I'm too ignorant to understand, but in general I think Beatrix a rather queer writer.  That said, there is a part of two bad mice where the husband, Tom Thumb, and the wife, Hunca Munca, enter into a temporarily unoccupied doll house.  In the dining room they find lovely morsels of food which they take to be real.  When they dig into the ham, Tom Thumb breaks the knife and hurts his finger, because it is made of plaster.  They try the fish and realize it, too, is a fake.  Upon this realization, the book says, "and then there was no end to the rage and disappointment of Tom Thumb and Hunca Munca".  They proceed to smash the "food" and even try to burn it in the fire until they realize it is made of paper.  Scotty and I got a good laugh about the part that talks about "no end to the rage and disappointment"- especially when you imagine two little mice wreaking havoc on a doll house.  Well, that phrase has come to my mind several times today during particularly ugly fits Jubilee has thrown.  Natty was and continues to be a fairly docile child.  Jubilee has surprised us with her quickness at throwing a tantrum, even though they are still on a one-year old scale.  She turns red and screams and tosses her head back and arches her back and if she's on the floor and you are holding her, she'll bounce angrily up and down or just kick out her legs.  It's almost humorous- like a tiny mouse expressing its disappointment.  But, this baby will get bigger and then I'm not sure what will come.  How do you discipline a baby that throws a tantrum?  Oh, how we need God's grace.  For now, I'm thankful for a little phrase from a story about two bad mice that keeps me smiling.