Highlights

Here's some random bits of life that have happened here lately:

Funny things Natty has said-
   
     "Mommy, can I get a tattoo?"
     "I don't really love God.  I like him, I guess.  Maybe I'll love Him when I'm older."  This one, by the way, is hard for any Christian parent to admit that their child said when reading about a lot of other Christian mommies memorizing scriptures with their kids, listening to them praying for their friends, etc...  Natty has a very real, rebellious sin nature and it is terrifying to see it.  However, it reminds us that we can't force the gospel on her, that God's own Spirit must work to change her heart, even at this age.  We certainly are reminded to pray more fervently when she says things like this.

Natty's top 2 enjoyments of the Christmas season:
1. opening presents
2.  decorating the tree with Nana

Lisa's top 2:
1.  watching Natty open presents and decorate as well as share often why we are really celebrating
2.  food

Highlights of 2011, in random order
1.  spending 2 months with our parents visiting us in La Paz at the beginning of the year
2.  getting back into ministry after losing Zion
3.  celebrating Natty's third birthday with her favorite Bolivian friends and their mommies
4.  finding out we were expecting again
5.  back to back visits from friends in Minneapolis and Charlotte
6.  SIM annual retreat with the whole Bolivia crew- so glad Natty was old enough to enjoy the kids program this year
7.  enjoying the outpouring of love and help provided by our Mallasilla and church friends.  This included frequent baby-sitting, bringing of food, coming to visit with food, coming to visit with kids to play with Natty, lots of prayers and phone calls.
8.  coming back to the US
9.  hearing that my body looks normal and I could get off my rear and do something!!!
10.  celebrating Christmas in my hometown with my family

Aspirations for 2012:
Thrive.  It's hard to make resolutions when everyone seems to try it and then get to the end of the year and realize they didn't complete their list.  I'm not big on making resolutions, but I do like to look back at my last year and see what I did well or didn't do well and how I could continue or improve certain things.  This year is going to be unique because three months in, there will be a baby Jubilee born.  She will make it hard to do anything productive, other than take care of her for a bit.  Then, we'll go back to Bolivia and spend a few months adjusting back to life and ministry there, while continuing to balance the needs of 2 small kids.  And, we want to build a house.  Yikes!  So, my idea is that I might try to work in a good, though-provoking Bible study before Jubilee is born for my own edification and then just see what happens after that.  I want to continue reading the Bible through each year, which I feel I've got a good habit of doing...although I could stand to be a bit more consistent.  And, I'd like to be a bit more flexible with this baby's schedule than I was with Natty's- so that's something.  Generally, I would like to just make myself available as a friend to the ladies at church, have people over more and try to utilize the gifts God's given me without letting myself be taken captive by the introversion He's also created in me.

I'm currently reading a book called, Introverts in the Church: Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture, by Adam McHugh.  It's giving me a lot of insightful looks into the depth of who I am and some of those chuckles of "that's so me!".  So far he's touched a lot on why the Western church tends to esteem extroversion over introversion and the unique gifts introverts can bring into a Christian community.  He's just starting to scratch a bit at how introverts can use their personality as a crutch or excuse to not be more involved in people's lives and I'd like to hear some more about this, as I feel constantly compelled to overcome my solitary tendencies.  However, there's a lot of good, "it's OK that you're this way cause God can use you like this" happening, which is refreshing.

So, randomness completed.  May you all be blessed abundantly as you look at what the Lord has done in your life in 2011 and look forward to what He may do in 2012.  I'm most excited about bringing a healthy baby into the world, Lord-willing and enjoying another 6 months in our home country.

The fight.

It's funny (annoying) how quickly your emotions can swing back and forth when you're pregnant- or maybe just if you're me.  Tuesday we had another check-up with the doctor- we'll be going every 2 weeks now.  I'm at 28 weeks, which is the time when everything started going wrong in my pregnancy with Zion, so I was a bit anxious to find out the status of body at this point.  The doctor again saw no change in my cervix and was very pleased with my weight gain, blood pressure, etc...  It was another one of those times when things turned out as perfectly as you could hope they would- something that has characterized all of my appointments so far since arriving to the US.  I was thrilled and spent the rest of that day thanking God continually.  It feels so incredibly nice to live a mostly normal life and do the things that I want to do, within reason.  Then, the other night, Natty woke up absolutely terrified about something.  Her screaming was really traumatic to me that night and I found myself awake long after she had gone back to bed.  I don't know if it was a form of spiritual attack or just the tiredness (lots of things seem more serious and often more negative when you're awake in the middle of the night), but I started picturing what it would be like when the time came for us to return to Bolivia, and it wasn't pretty.  First, I imagined the actual process of getting there, which always includes a long overnight flight that is hard with one child that can't get comfortable and is up off and on throughout the night, usually crying from exhaustion.  But, this time there is also a small baby involved.  Flashbacks to our arrival in La Paz when Natty was just shy of 3 months were playing in my head when we had to break through the customs line and whiz past a confused/angry looking guard because our daughter had stopped breathing and was turning purple around the lips.  High altitude can do harsh things to little ones (and big, too).  I certainly can't help but think of a repeat of that with Jubilee, who will be 3 1/2 months old when we are slated to go back.  Then, there were scenes of La Paz.  I usually have no problem with the fact that Bolivia is a developing world and reflects that in different ways wherever you are, even the capitol.  However, that night, my feeling was that it was harsh, dirty, unwelcoming, scary.  After losing Zion there and a handful of other less than ideal experiences with doctors and hospitals, I often fear going back to raise not just one, but two children there.  It was hard to not be temporarily overwhelmed by these thoughts and even wonder what would we do if I just couldn't return.  I woke up in the morning not feeling anything quite that dramatic and marveling that just a few weeks ago, I was looking fondly at our beloved Bolivian home and family, missing our time there and experiences there with them.  Why so fickle??  I suppose this is just the reality of our lives.  There is real good here in the US and there.  There is real bad in both places, also.  There is a seemingly eternal quest to think in a way that is balanced and healthy, to remind myself of Who is controlling our lives and what we experience in them and to rest in His goodness, grace and power when the answers don't come easily.  I think my struggles are real but I think I can let them grow to monstrous proportions when I'm not careful, when I take my focus off of Christ.  The Bible is full of good promises that we must keep our eyes fixed, unwavering, on the Lord and He will give us peace, He will guide, He will make the path straight.  Sometimes that task is easier than at other times, but it's always worth the fight.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

There is something magical about Christmas time.  We feel it strongly this year, mostly because it is falling so close to our return back to the U.S.  All the traditions seem more fun this year, as well, because Natty is at that age where she can finally get into it.  She loves the Christmas tree- decorating it, turning it on, looking at the ornaments, putting presents under it.  We recently had a white elephant gift exchange with my parent's small group and she got such a kick out of helping people pick out a gift to open and squealing with anticipation while they slowly peaked at what was inside.  She wants to help everyone wrap presents and does a surprisingly good job of keeping a secret, since she's probably seen what everyone is receiving from everyone else.  She likes to tease me by saying, "We bought you something at the store today, Nana."  At that point (starting to get nervous she'll give away the surprise), I jump in and remind her that it's a secret and she whines at me, "Mommy- you don't have to keep telling me that.  I just want to say that we bought Nana something.  I'm not going to tell her what!"  As if it's foolish of me to remind my barely three year old daughter not to spill the beans.  It's been a challenge to find kids books in the library that talk about the real meaning of Christmas, always wanting to keep Jesus the center of our celebrations.  It's already hard enough to talk about spiritual things with such a young person.  How much is she understanding?  What if she just doesn't care?  I still haven't figured out exactly what traditions we want to incorporate into our family to take some of the focus off of giving to just our family and put it on being generous with those who have real needs.  It will look totally different in Bolivia than it would here.

Apparently, I'm the one enjoying the Christmas food the most.  I gained a few pounds more than the recommended weight increase for pregnant ladies last month.  I swear just landing in the U.S., at low altitude, bumps up your weight a few pounds.  So, my doctor has told me I can only gain 3 pounds in the next month.  What??  With Christmas cookies and egg nog and Christmas parties and my best girl friends coming into town?  Get real.

I have to share the good news that my last OB check-up when equally as well as the first.  I was a little nervous after a full month of activity, that things in my body might not be holding as strong as they were when I was inactive and the baby was smaller.  However, the doctor found all to be about the same and gave me the go-ahead to continue on as I was.  A small Christmas miracle for us!  He'll start seeing me every 2 weeks just to keep a close eye on things.

I continue to feel incredibly relaxed here.  Blessed to have time.  Time to sleep, to eat, to be with my family.  I think I've laughed a lot more in the last few weeks than in a long time.  I am grateful.

Update

Picnic at the park

The days seem to have sped up recently.  Maybe it's because I've actually had things to do.  As much as I think I'm saving myself time and energy doing online Christmas shopping, it can still be a very time-consuming task that often becomes mentally exhausting.  Do you ever have that feeling like the world at your fingertips can sometimes be a little overwhelming?  The options are nice, but can get a bit excessive if you don't find exactly what you want very quickly.  However, I'm not physically able to amble around the mall all afternoon and I don't have to deal with other shoppers, so I do prefer the web.  In the last couple of days, I've also searched as many engines as possible for the perfect beach front condo in the Charleston area for a dream beach vacation I've been planning on taking with both sets of our parents for next summer.  It's been several years since I've been to a beach where I can swim (the beach we went to last year in Chile is ice cold year round and not often even warm enough to be comfortable sitting on the sand in shorts).  So, on a purely selfish level, my biggest goal for this trip home is to get some good beach time in.  Natty, although born in a land-locked country, is drawn like a fish to the water and could probably happily dig in sand all day long.  I will give her this opportunity.  I'm a bit fearful to make a reservation now because there's still that part of me that thinks something is going to make Jubilee come too early and we won't be able to do our planned trip, but if I don't make reservations now, there won't be anything left soon.  It's going to be a reservation of faith.

Scotty and I had a lovely date last night, thanks to a ministry called the Micah Wessman Foundation, who sends care packages to families far and wide who have lost children.  They sent us an Applebees gift card and we indulged in appetizers, steaks and dessert on them.  That's my kind of date.  Scotty asked me at one point if I'd had any thoughts yet about how life and ministry might look different when we go back to Bolivia.  It's not the first time lately that I've realized that this is our first home assignment where talking about going back to Bolivia hasn't given me apprehension.  I've never doubted that we should return, but I usually have a sense that I didn't do enough in our last term or have sufficient vision for God's purpose for me there.  So early in a home assignment, I usually didn't want to think at all about returning, but just rest in being home and not have the (mostly self-inflicted) pressure of being a missionary.  I don't know exactly what to attribute it to, but there are 2 reasons I can think of that make me think differently this time.  One, time.  We've been in Bolivia as a married couple for over 5 years now.  There are rarely shocks when considering the culture.  We are fluent in the language, even though there will always be lots of room for growth.  It all feels so normal.  Two, friends.  I've always come back feeling like my relationships with Bolivians were lacking.  God has used both Zion's death and my bed rest to help me to see the depth of which people care for us.  I've had more meaningful conversations with people.  I've relied more on the church than I ever did before- more out of necessity than anything (it's easy to hide from people when you're an introvert).  I see God's grace in new ways through what He's allowed us to go through in the last year or so.  It's nice for Him to show me that.  So, I look at Bolivia fondly now and really do miss our lives there.  I wouldn't change being here at this time, as it's brought a lot of joy and peace to our hearts, but it's nice to feel that positiveness toward the place where God's called us.

Things I'm loving about being in Gainesville...

...the weather!  Every day is short-sleeved weather and it is glorious.  Natty runs around outside without shoes and has even played in the sprinklers a few times.

...the grass (and general greenness)!  Natty rolls in it, runs in it and everything just looks lush and alive.

...carpet!  Being able to walk around without socks and slippers/shoes on cushy carpet is a delight.  I miss that feeling in Bolivia.

...drinking out of the faucet!  This is especially exciting to Natalie, who often reminds me, "Mommy, did you know we can drink water right out of the sink?!".  Yes, we can.  And I do.

...pizza.  Awesome crust.  Tomato sauce.  Thick.  Cheap.

...TV.  I hate to admit it.  But we love HGTV.

...nice things!  Everything is nice.  Nice, clean restaurants with tasty foods of infinite varieties.  Nice public bathrooms (have you ever been in a Bolivian public restroom?  Not pretty.)  Nice roads.  Nice cars.  Nice, well-stocked grocery stores.  Nice furniture.  Nice toilet paper.  Nice. Nice. Nice.

...cereal!  LOVE Kashi.  All of it.

...parks!  Oh, my goodness.  I could spend an afternoon everyday at our closest sports park.  There are shredded tire tracks under the equipment (verses dirt or cement), which gives a lovely, squishy, safe quality.  There are big oak trees.  There are squirrels.  There are lovely, heavy-duty park benches.  Natty is in heaven there and it is so fun to watch her.

...doctors.  I've already written about that one.  Thanking God for Dr. Duff.

I'm sure I'll think of more things later.  We are still in the honeymoon phase of being in the U.S. :)

Thanksgiving newsletter

We are so thankful...

...For a safe arrival to the U.S.!  We had a few unforeseen bumps along the way and knew that travel could potentially be difficult on my weakened, pregnant body.  Everything was going smoothly and comfortably until we arrived in Lima, Peru and our connecting flight refused to let us on board because of the perceived riskiness of my pregnancy.  We are thankful that God worked it out so that we could get on another airlines' flight to Miami that was leaving immediately and we arrived to our destination several hours earlier than expected!  The next morning, we were refused the rental car we had reserved online!  We are thankful that my parents drove the 6 hours to come get us in a borrowed, larger vehicle, that the hotel we were staying in had a last-second cancellation to their completely booked schedule which allowed us to stay in our room throughout the rest of the day while we waited for my parents, and that we made it safely home in the wee hours of the evening.  

...For our families and supporters!  We'll be spending almost 6 months in my parents' home, eating their food, enjoying their hospitality and potentially slightly abusing their free babysitting services.  We had the joy of spending a few days with Scotty's parents already and look forward to a more extended time later next year with them and their church in Tennessee.  Our Vineyard church here has welcomed us as lovingly as they always do and we are excited to soak in their love for a while.  Our church, Desiring God Community Church, in Charlotte has already sent us a lovely care package and we await the time we can worship with them after our baby is born.  Scotty is excited to see friends and supporters at Bethlehem Baptist in Minneapolis when he goes to the pastors conference there at the end of January.  We are surrounded by people who care about us and have been praying for us and we feel God's unmerited grace through all of them.

...For good medical care and good health!  God miraculously got us in with a very respected high-risk pregnancy doctor in town who rarely takes new patients!  He is kind and gentle and reassuring and his office staff have been nothing but friendly and capable.  The medical experience we've had here is worlds apart from what we are used to...it's what I've been dreaming of since I found out I was pregnant!  And, upon being reviewed by Dr. Duff (thank God for this man!), he pronounced everything good and normal and relieved me from my bed rest!  He also informed us that we were having another girl, much to our surprise and great joy.  Jubilee Sage will join us, Lord-willing, in early March.

...For rest.  There's nothing like being in a place that is so comfortable and familiar.  For me, comfortable is short sleeves in November, just the temperatures Gainesville boasts this time of year.  But it's also the knowledge that this time is for us to unwind, relax, and rest in God's goodness.  Natalie is thriving in this new place where she has not only mom and dad around, but Nana and Papa, too.  She is running barefoot outside in the grass, playing in the sprinklers, learning to ride a tricycle, making new friends in the neighborhood and checking out lots of library books!  Scotty finally has a break from the demanding ministry schedule that occupied much of his time the last few months, as well as the concerns he carried for taking care of a lot of my needs, as well as Natty's, mostly on his own.  We are thanking God continually that we will be able to enjoy some activities together again outside of the house and do more together as a family.  It is a true joy to be here.

...For our Bolivian pastor, Edgar Mamani.  Edgar is the sort of pastor that you are honored to also call your friend.  He is devoted to the faithful preaching of the Word and to the encouragement of his flock.  He is a good husband and father.  His life and ministry have been radically changed by what he has learned from pastor John Piper, through his sermons and books.  We shared with you the plans we had to get pastor Edgar to Minneapolis this winter for the pastor's conference at Pastor John's church.  So far, we are still in need of about $1500 to fly Edgar from La Paz and cover his expenses while in the states.  We would be so grateful if you'd consider helping with this special gift of giving Edgar the opportunity to see the pastor who has made such a great impact in his life.  Please also pray for Edgar's mother, who is not a believer and who has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer.  Please pray for her healing, both spiritually and physically.

...For God's abundant provision through His people in the past, present and future.  We have been well-supplied for all of our needs over the course of our missionary career so far in Bolivia.  We will be making some of our new financial needs known to you in our next newsletter, but want to express our gratitude to God and to you for generously supporting us in so many ways.  

With love and gratitude,
Scotty, Lisa, Natalie and Jubilee Miser

Please call us!  352-450-1669
or email us!  scottynlisa@gmail.com
Or check out our blog!  http://scottyandlisa.blogspot.com
Or send us checks!  SIM USA * PO Box 7900 * Charlotte, NC 28241

It's a...

GIRL!!!  (Can you see the balloon?).  Her name is Jubilee Sage.  We had the name picked out for Zion, if he was a girl.  Jubilee, meaning great rejoicing (as well as its Biblical meaning that might be better saved for a different blog), seems so appropriate in this post-grief time of welcoming the good gift of life into our family again.  We highly suspected the baby to be a boy and even brought home almost an entire suitcase of boy clothes, but we're thrilled our little girl is healthy and Natty's hope was for a baby sister.  The visit with our doctor could not have gone better.  Dr. Duff is a sweet, caring, soft-spoken doctor who took plenty of time with us and made us feel at ease.  He talked to me like I was a "normal" pregnant woman, leading me to believe he is not too concerned about anything drastic happening.  He checked my cervix, informing me that all looks totally normal.  How often I have prayed for that in the last few months!  God is overwhelming us with His love and care for us.  He measured the baby and checked her out all over, reporting all to be perfect.  And then, he explained that as long as I take it easy and not stay out too long, I can do everyday activities again!  I could not stop praising and thanking God for this news!  We feel like he is making our wildest dreams come true (who else is thinking of Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite right now?).  Really, I just don't take these things for granted anymore.

So, out to Olive Garden with both sets of parents to celebrate.  Then, a hair cut, dental appointment, fabric shopping, Starbucks, the library, and Target...not necessarily in that order.  And, no more ordering Scotty around...:)

Doctors visit

Yesterday was our first appointment at the medical office we have chosen here in Gainesville.  It's where all the doctors at a well-known, top-notch hospital in town practice and I felt like any one of them would be completely trustworthy.  I was nervous when the morning came- not knowing what to expect and hoping things would go well and that we'd be able to see a doctor soon.  I was so nervous that I forgot the keys to my little electric scooter, so I wasn't able to wheel myself around and had to do a bit of walking, which felt nice, but made me nervous.  The office was easy to find and as soon as we walked in, we were greeted by a friendly lady behind the counter who took her time explaining a few things, politely asking me to sign a few papers and making us feel quite at home.  She immediately sent us back to talk to the financial lady who would try to locate us in the insurance system (even though I thought of it a million times, I ended up leaving our insurance cards in Bolivia) and set up our payments for the future C-section that will happen in March.  So organized!  She congratulated us on the pregnancy and sounded quite excited when we explained that we had come back to Gainesville from Bolivia to have our baby here.  She also carefully explained the procedures we would go through each time we came to the office and made sure we were aware of what we should do in case anything scary happened during the pregnancy.  After we finished with her, a nurse was waiting to take us back to go over our medical history.  She was kind and funny and very thorough.  She asked if I had a doctor already and when I told her who I was hoping for, she said, "I don't think that's going to happen."  Apparently, this doctor is quite in demand and only takes patients "when the spirit moves him."  She made a phone call to ask his nurse to talk with him and they called back about 20 minutes later to confirm we could be his patients!!  God totally made that work out and the nurse praised him highly saying that both doctors and patients love working with this man.  Hooray!!  We answered some questions, asked a few, and were sent on our way.  The whole thing could not have gone more smoothly and we were stunned the whole time how well things are set up, how friendly people are, how well-cared for you feel.  I suppose I have spent all of my child-bearing years feeling only moderately cared for under the hands of only slightly informed doctors (and most of that information coming from their schooling decades prior) and after Zion, completely lacking in the kind of medical care that me and this baby need.  It's been tense and stressful and I only realize now the extent of what I have been missing.  I'm sure when I actually see the doctor and go through all the testing, that realization will be even more acute.  By another miracle, I was able to get an appointment with this doctor on Tuesday, when he will do an ultrasound and be able to tell us not only to what extent I need to be resting but also the sex of the baby.  They'll make up for lost time by doing a host of blood work and much relief will be felt by all.  :)

It's cool and sunny today and the house is totally quiet- except for my parent's crying cats.  Natty and Scotty have gone off to find a park and my parents are at the gym.   We are loving being here and not having any pressures and Scotty has mentioned several times being in the U.S. "honeymoon" phase.  I haven't felt this quite yet, as I haven't been able to get out and enjoy Starbucks and book stores and Target and just seeing things.  My venture out yesterday to the doctor was my first trip out since we arrived last weekend.  We're eating well, sleeping well, and loving that Natty has two more people to play with her.  God has been kind in giving us this chance.  Monday brings Scotty's parents for a few days and I'm hoping that Tuesday will bring news that we can all get out together and do some stuff out of the house.  And, I continue to work on trusting God for each day, even though the temptation to worry about how long my body can carry this baby is stronger now than in the early days.  There is much hope.

Travel Miracles

The first miracle of our travels was the Miracle of Bubba.  Natty has a little stuffed rabbit that is her most prized possession and can not be lived without.  He is especially important at sleep times.  She had decided at one point that Bubba would stay in her carry-on suitcase throughout the trip to make sure he didn't somehow get left behind, but she couldn't hold out on this and so carried him with us in her hands in and out of airports and on and off the planes.  Right after we were denied access onto our second flight and rushed to another plane, we realized as we boarded that Bubba was no where in sight.  My last memory of him was handing him to Natty while we were debating with the LAN people.  I assumed that she must have dropped him on the floor at that point and when we were whisked away, Bubba stayed behind.  Immediately the angst set in and Natty started bawling, "I want my Bubba!!  I need Bubba!  I want him!!"  It was really heartbreaking when you know your child actually considers this thing to be a real, live friend that talks to her and that she lovingly pets and cradles like a little baby and tells him that she loves him.  There was nothing that could be done, as they were waiting for us to seal the door and taxi out.  We sat down in our seats, mine was a bit behind where Scotty and Natty were and on the other side of the aisle.  All I could hear was the faint whimpering of my little girl and I just thought the day couldn't get much worse from there.  All of a sudden, I hear Scotty's voice and he is waving Bubba triumphantly in the air!  I have no idea how that happened, and later find out that he found the bunny in his backpack.  He has no recollection of putting him there and I know that he was so busy trying to figure out our flight situation while Natty and I were playing with Bubba,and then they so quickly moved us on to the gate where our flight was leaving, that I am convinced God miraculously stored him in Scotty's backpack.  I actually cried at that moment and hoped the strangers I was wedged between wouldn't notice.

Natty and I catch site of our ride home- Nana and Papa are here!

Miracle #2 comes on Saturday after our much needed sleep at the hotel in Miami.  We had a nice morning and were just getting geared up for the drive home.  Scotty headed out after our mediocre breakfast to pick up the rental car I had reserved with debit card online a month ago.  Natty and I started surfing cartoon channels, the one thing she was most excited about regarding our journey home.  Not surprisingly, we ended up watching Spanish cartoons on the only Spanish channel we picked up.  An hour passed, another half hour past, another half hour- and still, no Scotty.  We turned the TV off and walked outside to sit down on the steps right outside our hotel door for some fresh air (something I haven't been able to do in two months!).  I heard a phone ringing in the distance and realized it was ours!  I ran back inside (but, slowly, as a woman on bed rest should do) and picked it up.  Scotty says, "Well, it's gone from bad to worse".  Never enouraging words.  He tells me that he's been to every car rental place at the airport and no one will rent to him.  The company that we had reserved with would not accept his debit card because when they did a credit check, he had no history (yes, he has no credit history at 39 years old).  But, this also means that we're responsible with money, right??  Anyway, it's a no deal and I hang up feeling despondent and a bit worried.  I tell Natty what's happening and we pray and I decide that since God knew this was coming, I should just chill and trust He's already worked out Plan B.  I call my parents, who live 6 hours away, and ask if they can come get us.  Yes.  Now, I call the front desk and ask if they can extend us the room.  No.  No??  The hotel is completely booked for the night??  I explain that I am a poor pregnant woman on bed rest and we have nowhere to go and I don't have a wheelchair and shouldn't be walking around.  Front desk chick responds, "But if I let you stay in that room, the next guest will show up and have no where to go."  True, but can't you work a miracle for me, or at least sound sympathetic?  No.  I hang up and really start racking my brain.  We could go to the mall until dinner time- but they don't have free wheelchairs, do they?  We could go to the hospital- they have wheelchairs.  No, that doesn't sound like fun.  We could rent another hotel room in a different hotel, but it will be expensive and still mean packing up and hauling 3 big bags and a car seat and myself into a taxi and walking around somewhere else where I shouldn't be walking.  I had a good cry, pulled myself together, and called the front desk to ask if they'd give us an extra half hour and the numbers to their other Miami locales.  And, oh yeah, if we book at another one of their hotels, could they shuttle us over?  No.  Grrrrr...  So, front desk chick tells me she's extended our stay and I ask again for the other hotel phone numbers and she says, "No, I've extended you for another night."  What??  I thought the hotel was full.  Nonchalantly, hotel chick says, "Oh, we had a cancellation."  Wow!  God again to the rescue!  I hung up and cried tears of joy for the second time this trip, astounded at God's goodness in working out this stressful situation.  I felt so helpless as this person who wasn't supposed to be up and walking around much and the idea of trying to find a new place to go sounded a bit overwhelming.  But, God gave us a way to stay in the same room for the afternoon so that I could chill while Natty and Scotty explored.  My parents came at dinnertime, had some food with us, and off we went- arriving home at 1am.  And now, it's all behind us, we see how God's hand was in all of it, as always, and now we wait to see how He's going to work in my body as we anxiously await my appointment with a nurse at the end of the week.  But, we know, and have been shown so many times, that He is faithful.

Travel adventures

As we were travelling, I had so many ideas for how I would write this blog.  Now that we're at my parent's house and relaxing, none of it sees so important anymore.  But, I'll do my best to recap the adventures.  First, I'll say that travelling in a wheelchair is awesome, if there's some good reason you need to do so.  At every airport we went to, a nice person working there shuttled me around, pushed me to the front of the line, or skipped the line all together.  I do have to say I felt a little awkward at times when I caught the, "what's wrong with that girl" looks some people shot over or when peoples gazes drifted to me as I rolled into a room.  However, not having to wait for anything beat all that.  The first check in went super smooth and we were landing in Lima before we knew it.  When we arrived at the LAN desk where we were to check in for the second portion of our air travel, things got a bit sticky.  After reading our medical document, which we hadn't planned on showing to any airline personnel, they told us quite firmly that we would not be flying their airlines without a signed waver from their doctor and mine.  How we were supposed to know this, I have no idea, and my anger increased as Scotty politely tried to make head-way with Peruvian LAN chick and she shot him down several times.  Before we even had the chance to talk with a manager, wheelchair-boy is taking me to the elevator and we are rapidly walking to Gate 17 where a TACA flight is taking off in the next 5 seconds for Miami.  If they got us from La Paz to Lima, I suppose they won't have a problem allowing the terribly scary pregnant lady on again.  So, after a few brief phone calls by nice TACA dude, we are being wheeled down the plank, pushed on, seated and the plane is taking off.  We all end up in the last row by the stinky, crowded bathrooms, but we were together and we were heading to Miami, earlier than we thought.  This was a gift from God.  The almost 6 hour flight passes after some bland food, two cheesy movies and a short nap by Natty and we are in Miami before we know it.  We find, as usual, that Spanish works much better than English for the helpful Miami airport staff and after rolling through customs, we find our luggage was not able to jump on the plane as fast as we were and so we work with Latin baggage claims ladies to come back when it's due in to pick it up.  Then we wait almost an hour for our hotel shuttle and almost give up hope when we see it drive by, inform us that it's already full and that we will need to take a taxi.  At this point, I'm just happy to be sitting outside by the pick-up/drop-off curb in the balmy Miami sunset while Natty rolls happily about on the concrete (cause Mommy's sitting there), getting filthy.  I think she's happy to be off the airplane.  So, nice Brazilian taxi driver gets us to our hotel, we check in and Scotty immediately gets on the shuttle to go back and get our luggage.  Natty and I watch a half hour of TV and I try to do very little since my body is already feeling the stress of travelling all day and being cramped on board a plane for almost 8 total hours.  I convince Natty we should sleep and we both fall into a slumber, only to wake up an hour or so later and realize that Scotty is not back.  Now, this is where I realize how much we rely on cell phones.  At this point, my husband is supposedly at the airport- but what if he never made it?  Why is it taking so long?  Did he get in an accident?  Did he forget the hotel's number so there's no way to call the shuttle to come get him?  Did he get abducted in the not-so-nice part of town around the airport?  What should I do??  He'd been gone for about 2 hours at this point and in my tired stupor, I was imagining the worst.  Thank God, I heard luggage wheels at the door and jumped up to see Scotty with all our bags.  Yay- they all made it!!  Then, he goes out again, gets us Wendy's (cause we haven't eaten anything since bland pasta at 11:30am), we scarf, fall into bed and rest peacefully until morning.

I am praising God that my body held up under the long travelling hours, that our bags all made it, that we had a cozy bed to sleep in, that we are in the U.S.  And, especially, that someone took the "risk" of letting me fly on their plane.  Thank you TACA!  Stay tuned for more travel adventures...

How did I get here?

I listened to last weeks message from John Piper this morning.  Apparently, for the last few weeks, Bethlehem Baptist Church has been focusing on missions.  Today, Pastor John presented a beautiful picture of the round about way that God opened the door of salvation for every tribe, tongue, language and people and challenged those who have felt that leading of the Spirit to go cross culturally to call the lost in to that open door.  It was a great reminder to me, a missionary, of something that can grow cold in my heart from time to time.  Yes, I live in Bolivia, a country and a culture vastly different from my own.  I plan on staying here, Lord-willing, until my children are grown and have left home.  But, this has become my normal.  Sometimes I forget the calling that God has put on my life, as He has on all of ours if we are His children, to bring good news to all people.  I get caught up in my day to day life, the mundane, and lose sight of the awesome privilege I have.  So, I thought, for my own encouragement and if it would be of use to anyone else, I would remember God's first call and how I came to be in this lovely country.

When I was a teenager, my church had a small room somewhere off the main path called the prayer room.  On the door was a time sheet where you could sign your name for increments of a half hour, all throughout the day and night, to pray for the needs of the church.  The room had a plush chair in one corner, with a lamp next to it, a few devotional books, and a desk where a rolodex of prayer requests from members of the church were hand-written.  There was a cork board next to the desk that had letters from the church's missionaries pinned on and those could also be read through and prayed for.  I usually spent an hour in the prayer room each week and was amazed at how quickly that time went by.  I prayed for people I knew and many I didn't.  I rarely read the missionary letters.  One day, when I was struggling to focus in that extremely quiet place with a soft ticking of the clock in the background, my gaze drifted to the cork board.  I saw an index card with this verse written on it, "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Corinthians 2:9).  All at once, I found myself weeping as I heard, inaudibly but very clearly speaking to my heart, the voice of the Lord compelling me to be one who would take this amazing gift that we can not even conceive of to bless the nations.  And that neither I, nor they, could imagine what He had in store for us, whom He loves.  I knew in an instant that my God was calling me to a lifetime of cross-cultural ministry.  I can't remember if this is something I shared immediately with my family or roommate, but I knew at 17 where my life was headed (in a very vague way at that moment in time).  I felt no compulsion to go immediately, but to follow the "normal" path of gaining first a college education and I entered into a major that interested me, but that I assumed would never be put into practice.  I hope to think those 4 years in school and working matured and prepared me enough to take the big step of leaving my country.  After I graduated, I began the overwhelming process of trying to figure out how and with whom to go.  Food for the Hungry very quickly caught my attention in my web engine search and after spending a few months communicating with them, I flew out to Phoenix to meet the staff and become even more convinced that they were the mission I would set out with.  Shortly after, I had an assignment in Cochabamba, Bolivia working with international youth in a youth group setting.  6 months after arriving in Bolivia, I met Scotty and the rest is history.  This is all very simplified, but the main point is that God moved in amazing ways to bring this shy, home-loving, not adventurous girl to another continent on the other side of the equator for His good purposes.  And, I have seen so many of those loving purposes at work in my life, maybe far more than I've seen how He's used me in the lives of others.  But, I continue to hang on to His call when things get tough, as they have especially in this last year, and thank Him for choosing me.

Half way

20 weeks- hooray!!  The first trimester always feels like it takes forever, since the general sense is all-day yuckiness.  However, the last couple of months have flown by, even being on bed rest.  I keep thinking that since the cerclage, 6 weeks ago, time has gone by so fast, but when I think there's another 3 sets of 6 weeks to go, it feels like birth is forever away.  These days, I feel bigger than I look, I'm hungry all afternoon (more than the morning), I'm tired almost every nap time (Natty's)- whether I went to bed early or not, I'm starting to feel daily movement from the little one, I need to use the bathroom almost constantly, and I am already daydreaming about the perfect birth and arrival of our baby.  The first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning is, "Please protect us today, Lord." and when I lay down to sleep at night, "Thank you so much for keeping us safe and keeping the baby where he's supposed to be."  I've never been so aware of the moment by moment protection of my Father and definitely feel His presence in those moments where there's a twinge of pain or a weird pressure and I wonder what is happening inside of me and if we'll end up in the clinic because of it.  Although God has kept me in great peace, my natural tendency to worry about things outside of my control has brought me to a few times when I just look forward to getting this pregnancy over with (but not too fast!!).  It's such a different experience than I've ever had before, having had such "normal", enjoyable pregnancies with Natalie and Zion.  As much as I am training myself and the Lord is teaching me to trust in Him each day and let tomorrow worry for itself when it arrives, I can't help but have an overall sense that my baby is in constant danger and the simple act of getting up is putting him at risk.  But I also have a strong desire to enjoy the incubation of this little one, thinking that it might be the last biological one for us, but am not sure quite how.  I suppose my "enjoyment" will not be as it was before- going out for tea with my girlfriends in cute maternity clothes or having the "oohs" and "ahhs" from my church family when I show up with a bigger belly each Sunday to church or even frequent daydreaming about the perfect, natural delivery that I've always wanted.  But, instead, an enjoyment of the daily faithfulness of the Lord and seeing Him work in and through my situation to strengthen me and remind me of how powerful and good He is.  I think if I can change my expectations to think this way, the enjoyment will be so much deeper than it has been in the past.

Natty has come out with some funny things since her mommy has been a bit detained in the house.  One of her favorite things to remind me of is, "Mommy- you can't leave the house forever and ever and ever, cause the doctor says you can't go down the stairs."  Thanks for the reminder, Natty.  Another is, "Pregnant ladies NEVER go to church."  Or some form of, "When the baby comes out you can jump with me/I can jump on you/you can teach me to cook/we can walk and walk and walk, etc...".  She's definitely looking forward to things being back to normal.  Me too. :)

Happy 1st Birthday, Zion!

When I look at this picture of our perfectly formed son with all his little fingers and little toes, looking so much like all the other babies I've seen, I find it so hard to believe that he's not still with us.  I found it so hard to believe that he would actually die and even when it happened, I couldn't believe it.  Over the past year, God has taken me through the valley of the shadow of death and certainly, He walked with me there and brought me  back into the light.  Having come out on the other side, I wasn't ready for the disbelief that set in again today upon waking on the first anniversary of the birth of our Zion.  I wanted to celebrate his life, but how strange it is to celebrate a birthday when the person you are celebrating isn't there to share the day with you!  All I could imagine is how he was "supposed" to be sitting in bed with us reading stories like we do every morning.  And how he would have been eating cupcakes with us and opening presents and doing all the fun things that we just did with Natty last month for her birthday.  His birthday has been a fresh reminder that he will never participate in all these things that we dreamed we would do together as a family.
That said, my hope for this day was really to point out the amazing and gracious things God has done through his life and death.  I can't explain the transformation that brought me from questioning God's love and perfect plan to having more certainty in my life than ever before of God's goodness and love.  I'm not sure how it happened or when, but going through tragedy convinced me that my only hope is in Christ and that whatever He deems worthwhile for my life is worth it if it means knowing Him more.  The other things God has taught me seem minor in comparison to the truth that God's love for us is often not shown in removing us from suffering or preventing it from happening, but in showing Himself to us in the midst of it.  I am thankful for that and I am thankful that He chose to use my son for this great work in our lives.  We miss Zion and always will, but we are hopeful for the new life God has given us and that we wait expectantly for next year.

The days roll on...

Finding entertainment while Mommy lies on the couch.

You'd think while on bed rest, I'd have more time to blog, right?  I'm sure I do, but as you can imagine, there isn't a whole lot of exciting stuff happening as I sit on the couch all day.  My day consists of a leisurely morning in bed where I try to entertain Natty through playing with her animals and reading to her until I get tired of that and send her out so I can have quiet time.  She usually comes slinking back in and asks me to read my Bible out loud, at which point she listens quietly for about 2 minutes (or less) and then starts whispering or singing to herself and her animals.  Then she disappears and comes back while I'm praying and asks me to "pray to her"...she means, of course, to pray out loud so she can hear.  It's a little disruptive, but at least she sees a habit in her mommy of spending time with the Lord each day and I love the freedom that not walking around gives me to not feel bad about sitting in bed later than usual to focus on the Word.  After showering, I take up my post on the couch with a few trips into Natty's room when she gets desperate for me to play with her.  Daily, she says, "Mommy, I want you to come in my room and sit real still."  This means that she understands I'm not supposed to be doing much, but she wants me to be with her.  She's been even clingier than usual since I've been home bound and wants to be with me as much as possible, even though we find it quite difficult sometimes to find fun things to do while I'm so limited.  We try to arrange play dates for her a couple times a week, either sending her off like she is right now (at a neighbor's house) or having other kids come by to play for a bit.  This works well and gives Scotty time to get some work done at home while I have the freedom to sit around and not be enticed to get up when I should be sitting.  I did finish a completely hand-sewn doll with clothes for Natty- one of my favorite sewing projects so far and just finished Charles Dickens' David Copperfield, which completely absorbed me for the last week or so.
There have been a few moments of distress as I've felt helpless to really play with and discipline Natty as I would like- struggling to watch Scotty do that as well as a million other things.  Sometimes I get myself settled in one spot and realize I've left behind things I want to occupy my time, but Scotty is out the door, in a hurry, with Natty and there is no one to get those things for me.  So, I sit resigned on the couch to find something else to do until he gets home.  It can be rather tiresome.  Our house help has been absent this week and we are realizing what we already knew to be true- that she is invaluable to us, especially during times like these.
We are continually thankful for how the Lord is sustaining us as a family and keeping me and the baby strong.  We are grateful that He worked a miracle in immigration to get us the 8 month permission to be out of the country when our visas only allow us 3.  If we hadn't received that, we would have lost our visas and had to start from scratch, for the 3rd time, in what is a lengthy, frustrating and expensive process.  God is so good to us!  We wake up every morning thinking about being back in the US and about this time, every time we make plans to go home, we start imaging our home country as this beautiful, orderly, exciting, magical, almost perfect place that we've been away from for so long.  It doesn't take long for our bubble to burst after getting home, but we know that it will be a great blessing to be among family and have some of the enjoyments that we don't have here, as well as the superb medical care.  We're literally counting the days.
It's hard to believe that Zion's first birthday would be next week- can it be possible that my little boy was born almost a year ago??  It's hard to separate him from the pain we experienced in his unexpected arrival and short, rocky life and as I try not to dwell on these times in order to not make myself nervous about this pregnancy, I find myself also not able to think a lot about him.  However, there is always a special place in my heart for all that God has done in me and has yet to do through his life and I am thankful to the Lord for using that little boy to change me so profoundly.  More on that in his birthday post...

I would be remiss to not mention again the amazing husband I have.  He cooked curried lentils yesterday.  He baked chocolate chip and butterscotch cookie bars a week or so ago.  He bathes Natty, dresses her, puts her to sleep, makes her laugh, talks to her animals.  He waits on me like a servant and takes Natty places with him when he knows it will be too much to have me look after her.  He continues in his great attitude and loving service to his family until he's exhausted.  We couldn't do this without him. 

Birthday girl!

This face pretty much characterizes Natty's entire birthday yesterday.  She woke up and we sang Happy Birthday and Cumpleaños Feliz to her while she bounced up and down on the bed and clapped.  She opened a few presents, we played with them, and then she got on her fancy dress (she never dresses up) and went out for donuts with Daddy.  I decided not to waste my calories on less that adequate Bolivian donuts but then regretted my decision when Scotty got back with a particularly fluffy cinnamon and sugar one.  I got a few bites of each and was satisfied, knowing I would mow down a few pieces of birthday cake later in the day.  For the next few hours Natty opened a few more presents, played with them and ran around like a crazy person.  At one point she randomly said while walking around on her new Melissa and Doug floor puzzle, "This is such a fun day for me!"  I whipped up a cake from my desk chair and Scotty helped me to assemble it into a fish shape during nap time and I wasn't sure I could wait until her friends came over to have a piece.  

There was a strange outburst of wailing at nap time that was very uncharacteristic and honestly, a little scary.  I had to call Scotty home since I can't get up and down much and he laid down with Natty for another half hour and she awoke her normal self..  2 of her best friends showed up and the fun really began.  Then came 2 more, 3 a little later, and an unexpected 4 more from the neighborhood after we had already begun to eat cake.  I was only expecting 4 kids total- but, whatever.  The moms brought more cake and cupcakes and marshmallows and lolly pops and I'm pretty sure Natty ate more sugar in an hour long period than her entire life combined.  There's a lot of peer pressure here to give your kids everything and anything they want, even when Mommy knows it will make them sick later.  I let her eat a majority of what she wanted and she didn't throw up that night, so I guess I did OK.  She had a blast and got some more stuffed animals to add to the mountain she has already and we watched a home video of her first birthday party and I dreamed about having a really little one again.  It was a great day and even though I think we went a little overboard on the presents, it was such a gift to see such joy and enthusiasm in my little girl, especially as she enjoyed all the loving friends God has given her.

Today I've had a lot of alone time.  It's been wonderful.  Scotty's taken Natty out most of the day and I've done a lot of necessary research online, read, slept and eaten left-over birthday cake.  I've been wondering lately why I feel so calm about everything.  A lot of friends here are concerned about how I'm doing emotionally- how I'm handling everything.  I can honestly tell them that I am fine!  Then I think, should I be fine?  Should I be freaking out more?  Am I not letting myself be aware of what could happen and living in a fantasy world??  No.  I know what could happen.  I've been through the absolutely worst case scenario and actually lived through it.  I think I've been through a mom's worst nightmare, but somehow God has made me stronger on the other side.  Not only stronger, but more aware of His strength, of His goodness.  I am choosing not to focus on what could happen, but instead, to believe He has everything under control.  I am remembering that He loves this child more than me and He loves me more than I can understand.  How can you worry when this is clear to you?  I am so grateful to Him for making this clear to me, even when it had to come through the death of a beloved son.  But now, I can go through a complicated, scary pregnancy and be at peace (most of the time).  I can trust that all the numerous details of our time in the states- where we'll live, what doctor we'll have, how I'll make it all happen while on bed rest- will be worked out by His gracious hand.  I will look forward to being witness of how He perfectly works it all out.

Don't waste your bed rest.

A few years ago, John Piper put out a book called Don't Waste Your Life.  It's one that has greatly impacted the Christian community to take stock of what we are living for and think through how to live a  life that as you look back over the years convinces you and others that you have lived to the glory of God.  He wrote an article not too long after that as he was struggling with cancer called Don't Waste Your Cancer, calling each of us to not forget how God fulfills His perfect plans for us through the suffering that we experience.  I'm home from church today, laying on Natty's bed in the sun and listening to a sermon from my pastor Coty in Charlotte that he preached while he and Beth were visiting last month.  I was sick the day he preached, but heard the message was powerful and wanted to hear it as I rest this morning.  Our church is studying the book of Genesis and the passage that Coty covered told the story of how Abraham, in an effort to fulfill his responsibilities before dying, sent his servant to his old country to find a wife for his son Isaac.  Looking at the lives of Abraham, the servant and Rebekah, Coty shows us 4 points that we can follow in order to not waste our life.  As I listened, the most immediate way I can apply them is in not wasting my bed rest.  So, I will pray (number one).  The servant bathed his journey in prayer as he sought out God's perfect plan for a wife for Isaac.  I will pray that God will fulfill His promises in scripture in this time of waiting- that I will feel His constant presence, that I will know He is mighty to do great things in my body and the life of my family, that He will meet every need.  Two, I will act.  Abraham didn't wait for a descendant to happen to take a trip to visit him, bringing the perfect wife in tow.  He sent out his servant to find one and bring her back so that Isaac would not return to the land God called them out of, but remain in the promised land.  My action looks more like lack of action, but that too is action, right?  I have chosen to stop my normal activities, ask my friends and family for help, put my feet up and choose to have a joyful, God-glorifying attitude.  I will act to organize my days, to show my daughter that she is loved and that we trust God in these challenges, to make the most of my downtime by praying, reading God's Word and trying to encourage others.  Three, I will trust God.  All of the characters in this story believed God and believed He would fulfill His promises.  I must trust, as I learned in a new way with Zion, that God is good.  He is love.  He loves my family.  He will take care of us.  He will do what is best for us.  He will never forsake us, no matter what.  And finally, I will give thanks.  How Abraham and his family must have praised and given thanks to the Lord for the way in which He worked out so perfectly the meeting between the servant and Rebekah, the willingness of Laban and the love between Isaac and Rebekah.  I will give thanks for every day that this baby stays safe inside.  I will give thanks for a successful cerclage.  I will give thanks for the numerous amount of people around me that are helping me take care of Natty, visiting, cooking meals and buying groceries.  I will give thanks that I can return to the U.S. where I will receive better medical care.  I will give thanks for the life of this child, for my healthy little girl, for my loving and strong husband, for my supportive family, for God's faithfulness.  I do not want to waste my bed rest.

Bed rest, Day One

Don't worry, I'm not going to write about every day of bed rest. I'm sure it would be even less interesting than actually being on bed rest. But, I do feel that I've had a good start to my official bed rest days and thought I'd give you a little look into my world. First, let me say how awesome, truly amazing, my husband is for getting up early with Natty (something I always did before), fixing me cereal, making lunch and dinner, washing dishes, taking Natty to the bathroom, getting me drinks and snacks and whatever random things I need, AND preparing a sermon. I'm sure there's more in there, but you get the idea. However, I feel like I was fairly productive as well, for someone who sits or lays around about 23 1/3 hours of the day. I was able to find the perfect, cheapest flight back to the states for us last night and spent a good amount of time looking for a reasonable hotel in Miami we could stay one night in. I spent time in the Word, read books to Natty, had a nice chat with a good friend online, wrote some important emails, found a strong leader in the quest for a boy's name (just in case), helped make dinner from Scotty's rolling office chair, took a shower, put puzzles together with Natty and am blog writing! One of the nicest parts of the day was when a new neighbor friend called up and said, "I have some time right now if you want me to come over and look at your sewing machine." I had been in the middle of a simple project when the tension got all messed up (yes, maybe I twisted a screw a lot at some point) and I couldn't fix it. So, she and her husband came over, brought cake, and fixed my machine. While we were chatting, another family from the neighborhood showed up with a loaf of bread and jello (?) and spent about 45 mins with us! I felt so loved and so thankful for these friends who don't mind walking over at anytime to say "hi" and offer their assistance in any way possible. I called a different neighborhood friend this morning to see if Natty could go play with her girls (there was a big strike today- no school) and she said she'd take her for the whole day if we wanted! Wow...such generosity. So, it was a good day and if everyday is like this, I think we'll be alright.

Post-cerclage, Part 2

I was up early at the clinic this morning. It's hard to sleep with all that is swirling around in my head. The nurses seem to have awoken as well- there is clinking and walking and buzzing and ringing outside of my door and I was expecting someone to come in at any moment to pump something else into my arm or give me some other pill to take. And, I was thinking about every day of the rest of this pregnancy and how I was going to do it. Not good. I had a visit from my doctor last night who begged me, several times, to realize how important it is to "take it easy". She explained that upon seeing my cervix, she realized how very short it already is and that I basically need to be a some form of bed rest from now on. I kept asking questions as to what this means: could I shower? could I cook? could I leave the house? She gave me permission to leave the house maybe once a week for Scotty to take me for a drive. But basically, I need to lay down wherever I am and try not to get up or walk around most of the day. How does one do this??? I have an almost 3 year old who needs me and wants things and wants to play. What if she needs my help in the bathroom? What if I forgot to get something out of my room that I needed? The feeling that I've already been experiencing of being slightly nervous about every movement I make is just going to intensify. And how do I go to the park for Natty's birthday party next week?! That's something that will be very sad to miss. And that brings up this whole other topic- missing things. We're leaving for the states in a month and a half. I've dreamed of spending time with my family at the library, stores, restaurants we like, parks, etc... I'm going to miss all of that! Instead, I'll be confined to the house- to the couch. Yes, this does very much sound like complaining to me too. Please know these are the first moments of this news really starting to settle in and it's a pretty hard blow to take. I have a lot of work to do to really change my perspective on this pregnancy. With Natty, I lived a very normal, active lifestyle and had no problems. With Zion, the same until unexpected, sudden things started happening at 28 weeks. It's very hard to grasp an entire pregnancy of limits, pretty strict limits. But, I've already realized as I did before that I'm just going to have to take things a day at a time. I want to be thankful for the new child God has given us and make myself resolute in doing whatever it takes, at whatever cost to me and my family, for this baby to be born healthy. As I say that, however, I balk at the idea of my husband and daughter suffering because of my limitations. I will not be available for Natty like she would want me to be or like I want to be. I will have to call upon Scotty to do far more than he already does for us, which is quite a bit. They, too, will have to sacrifice. There's a verse people quote from the Bible quite frequently that says something about God not giving you more than you can bear. That verse does not exist. I think they're thinking of 1 Corinthians 10:13, which says something different. God gives us things we can't bear all the time so that we will come to Him and let Him bear them for us. This is one of those times the Lord is asking me again to come to Him and let Him take this burden and give me a greater portion of grace to thrive in this situation. I'm not sure how we'll do it but I know this isn't as surprising to Him as it is to me and He's got something worked out already. I must rest in that and know that He cares for my family more than I can. Thanks for listening to me work out what are my first thoughts of all of this...they probably aren't too pretty.

Post-cerclage, Part 1

I'm sitting in the hospital bed with the constant banging of construction outside of my window. But, I am comfy (although quite hungry) and have a TV and wi-fi so it doesn't get much better than this if you have to be in the clinic. The procedure was a bit rough, a bit scary, but went fine as far as I'm aware. My doctor only commented to me that my cervix is quite short and I'm really going to need to take it easy. When I find out what that means, exactly, it will probably be reported in part 2 of this post. For now, I am scanning back through a biography I just read the other day when I was stuck in the blockades on Horatio Spafford who wrote the hymn, It is Well With My Soul. This hymn has impacted me more in the last year than ever before, as I resonate with this man's choice to believe God is good and loving in the face of severe suffering. My loss is nothing compared with the 5 children he lost and other persecutions he faced (from the Christian community, no less!). But, we have shared the same sadness, the same questions, the same process of coming to trust again in the Lord's complete control and loving kindness in our lives. I have sang the words of that song to myself many times, desiring to bring my soul again to a place of rest and faith when things are scary and out of my control. Like right now... The surgery is over but the fear that I will bleed and lose the baby or have to be on bed rest for 6 months and not be able to get out and enjoy the glories of the US that I love so much (nice parks, libraries, church!) threaten to get a hold of my mind and bring me to a dark place. So, as I have done almost every day of this pregnancy so far, I fight to control my thoughts and think on whatever is true and lovely and noble, realizing overall is the perfect plan of God that can not be thwarted. I am grateful for friends here that are willing to do anything for me, for neighbors who worry excessively (a bit too much at times) about me and offer to do anything they can, including coming to our apartment at 6:30 this morning to stay with Natty while we came to the hospital. Once again, I see God's hand in surrounding us with this amazing community that we too often fail to appreciate enough until we become dependent on them. So, thanks again for praying, and I'll keep you updated!

Another big adventure

So, I leave Natty once again with Feli this morning for a "quick" trip to the city to drop off some stuff with the doctor. I find it strange that there isn't a whole lot of public transportation going into the city and decide to take one of the slower options cause I just need to get there. As we approach one of the major highways that all the buses take to get up into the city, there is a large march happening. I chuckle/groan inwardly at how easy it is for whomever to take over a major highway to protest whatever the flavor of the month is. We take some side roads and make it relatively quickly into the city. Then, I wait for eons for my doctor, learn some unsettling news (like I'll be at least one night, if not two in the clinic after my cerclage), and then head back out to grab public transport down. It's past lunch at this point, so I call Feli to tell her I'm on my way. As we approach the same section of town where there were marches, things get hairy. Now, all traffic is turning off the main road and creeping even higher up the side of the mountain to find back roads. Traffic quickly congests and the combo of a police truck 2 vehicles ahead, filled with armed, shielded police men and my bus driver turning off his engine make me think we're not getting anywhere soon, and I'm not sure I want to get where I'm going anyway if these heavily clad cops have anything to do with it. The minibus becomes silent except for the occasional grumbles of the driver saying that traffic isn't moving and it's not going up or down the intersecting street we are trying to reach. I hop off with some other passengers, hoping that nearby there'll be a break in the traffic where I can grab a cab. As I head down to the main avenue, I notice that all cars, everywhere, have stopped. People have turned off their motors and passengers from most public transport vehicles are spilling out onto the streets and wandering about like ants who have just had water thrown on their hill. I head in the direction of my car, about a mile or so down the road. As I walk, I realize that walking a mile, under normal circumstances, would have been quite pleasant, but is not a major "no-no" according to my doctor. I'm paranoid to walk to the little store around the corner from my house so this trek seems like too much. I call Scotty, who is far off in the jungle, to inform him of the chaos. Without even realizing it, God had worked things out ahead of time (as He does so well) to have me pop out right about at the street where one of our missionary families live. Scotty tells me not to walk to the car, but to walk to their house. So, I head up, noticing a large crowd of angry looking Bolivians holding signs and yelling obscenities...small children in tow. I stand a half block away, wondering if I should ask the phone repairmen next to me if they think it's wise to cross through. I decide to pray and walk quickly, not making eye contact. They ignore me as I hike uphill and turn a corner onto our friends' street. I'm praying they're home, realizing that after I hung up with Scotty, my phone was out of credit and there was no way to call anyone else. I ring the doorbell and the happy face of Kep pops out and invites me in with a smile, offers me lunch and refuge for as long as necessary. Hooray! So, I spend the next 3 hours or so with them, eating, reading, chatting and really wanting to be home with Natty. Periodically, we look outside their front door to see cars lining the streets at a dead standstill. An hour later, some of those guys have parked on the sidewalk and left their cars. Debbie takes a few of them who have been trying to get home to lunch for 2 hours some chocolate cake. She walks to the corner and finds the protesters have taken to sitting in the middle of the street and there is not a single back street that has not been blocked. This is pretty rare for this area of town and we're surprised by how no one seemed to know this was going to happen (usually blockades are actually advertised ahead of time, which I find amusing) and how well it was organized. Finally, Kep decides they need to start walking to the place they're supposed to be in an hour and Debbie reminds him that I'm kinda just stuck since I can't walk too far. He takes off to try to find an open spot and a free taxi and calls shortly to tell us he's got one reserved. We head out through the protesters again, the streets are littered with confetti and trash and people are still out in mass, heading every which way. Police have managed to get the protesters out of the main avenue and traffic is trickling through. We hit another mass of either protesters or people looking for rides a block down and then manage to cross through what normally is a busy intersection, but now is grid-locked. Thankfully, the direction we were going was not of interest to anyone- our lane was clear and the one going in the opposite direction was bumper to bumper of motionless vehicles. So, we make it to the taxi without having to walk too far and I'm off safely to my car which is parked in a part of town where there is next to never any issues. Then, I'm home 15 minutes later and so happy!! I left Natty at 9:30 in the morning, telling her I wouldn't be long and end up home by 4:30 in the afternoon. I've seen, tried to pass and been turned back by blockades before, but I think this is the first time I've been stuck in the middle of one! Hopefully, it will be the last for a while.

Big victories

I'm scheduled for a cerclage on Wednesday. For those of you who don't know what that is, I'll spare you the details and let you google it for yourself. A few weeks ago when I had my check-up with my OBGYN, she mentioned I would need a blood test and an ultrasound before we do the cerclage. However, she didn't bother to tell me what kind of blood test or give me any information regarding it. There's no call you receive from the dr.'s office to follow up with your upcoming procedure and make sure you have what you need in order. There's just you- making sure you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. So, I called my dr. this week to ask her what blood test I needed, since I wanted to be sure I had plenty of time to have the test done and receive the results before Wednesday morning. She's in a conference and won't be around until Monday, the voice on her cell phone informs me. Hmmm...that only leaves 2 days before the procedure for me to have the blood drawn and tested. Initially, I thought I'd wait and do what I could Monday, but my fore planning nature got the best of me and I decided to call the voice again and see what she could do for me. Now, before I continue on, the point of this blog is that all of this is a bit intimidating to me. All these interactions are done in Spanish and are a bit out of my comfort zone, as sometimes I'm not sure what or who to ask and how much to persist in trying to figure out what is supposed to be going on. On that note, I continue. So the voice explains that she's just the secretary (after I asked her if she was a doctor) and she gave me the number of the doctor who is taking my doctor's emergency calls this week. I call him and just as I'm about to hang up after a dozen rings, he answers, surely still in bed. I ask if he is the dr. I am looking for. He affirms, snorts a bit of phlegm into the voice piece (is that necessary?) and asks what I want. I explain that I am a patient of my doctor, that I'm having a cerclage on Wednesday, that I know I need a blood test, but I don't know which one. Would he happen to know?? (This is sounding even more ridiculous as I type). He's quiet for a moment, says he has no idea, and then guesses that it must be a standard, pre-op set of tests. He rattles them off to me (this is where my Spanish becomes quite lacking) and I ask if he can call my lab and dictate those to them. He tells me to have them call him when I get there. So, in the car, to the lab. Then, I'm sitting in front of the secretary in the lab saying, "I need a blood test. You have to call this doctor and explain to him that I am a patient of Dr. Zelada and am having a cerclage and he will tell you what I need. No, he doesn't know my name, but I just talked to him this morning. He is covering her patients while she's in a conference. No, I'm not sure if these are the tests that I need, I didn't really understand what he told me." Oh, my. She tries to call, but he doesn't answer. She says they'll take enough blood to do all the tests and then confirm with him later. So, while I'm getting stuck, I hear her on the phone confirming and all is worked out. Praise God! And, I find out it will be ready by tomorrow morning. So, I actually could have waited until my doctor was back in the office to tell me for sure what she wanted, but this way I can take up all of what I have for her to see on Monday and have everything set for the big day.

This was a huge accomplishment for me. To overcome my fear of talking to random doctors who don't know me and try to explain my unique situation is a big deal for me. Scotty is out of town and I'm feeling nervous about leading women's Bible study tonight, but I managed to make it happen and now I feel relief. Yay for the big victories.

Today.

It's been a while since I've left Mallasilla. Maybe about a week or so? I get to where I just feel so worn out that I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything away from home. Which means I've been in the house with Natty...A LOT. We've gone downstairs a few times to play in the bucket of water and once took a short walk to the nearby park, but I'm a bit limited physically in this pregnancy, so I haven't ventured to do much that requires a lot of effort. Today I decided I would leave her with our wonderful house help and make a short trip to the grocery store. What a relaxing trip! The weather is warmer now and the store is mostly empty mid-morning. I had a quiet drive there and then wandered leisurely up and down the aisles, mostly convincing myself I didn't need chocolate or ice cream or any other junk in the house. Then I rang up, had the bag boy carry the groceries to the car, and quietly drove home. I love being alone and quiet! My soul yearns for that time away from everything, even if it's just a 10 minute drive in the car. Sometimes I wonder if I don't enjoy being away from people too much. It can clash with ministry opportunities from time to time.

So, I continue to experience a lot of mental battles with regards to the pregnancy. I realized the other day that I was focusing so much on the "what ifs?" of the future that I wasn't noticing that God was giving me each day so far without complication. So, I made a mental note to begin each day asking the Lord to protect my unborn child and ending each day with thanks for doing just that. And, trying very hard not to think about anything any further than today. That has been very helpful and taken away a fair amount of concern. And, I must thank God for continually giving me renewed faith in His love and concern for us. My greatest desire, as with Zion, is that He will be seen as glorious through the journey with this new life.

Hotel Europa

Scotty and I decided to spend a night in a nice hotel downtown to celebrate our anniversary. We've never left Natty overnight with anyone before, so this was a big deal for all of us. Thankfully, we have some good missionary friends that live in Mallasilla and have a little 3-year old daughter who were happy to add to an already full house. We happily left her there to play and drove up in time to check-in and have a yummy buffet-style lunch. Our main reason for choosing this hotel was that they have a nice pool/spa/sauna area that is warm and comfy and relaxing. Since we live in La Paz, we had no desire to be outside the hotel much to see anything cause we've seen it all a million times before. After lunch we headed up to our room to digest. We found that the hotel was more than willing to give us the honeymoon special, which included a beautiful bouquet of flowers, his and hers robes, roses in the bathroom, rose petals and salts for the bath, chocolate covered strawberries and an entire bottle of champagne (which we didn't open since I'm pregnant and Scotty's not a big fan) and breakfast in bed (which we skipped so we could engorge at the buffet instead). All of this costs less than a normal night for two in the hotel! Doesn't make much sense, but a no-brainer for us. After sprawling on the bed for a bit, we felt like we were capable of moving again so we grabbed our suits and books and went downstairs to hit the indoor pool. When we came out of the elevator, we saw it was dark in the pool area. Upon checking, we were informed the pool is closed on Tuesdays- ALL DAY. Scotty and I exchanged angry/disappointed/unbelieving stares and sulked back to our room. I actually cried. The whole point of getting away and leaving Natty was to just relax and enjoy the amenities of the hotel. The idea of sitting in a hotel room, listening to the continual screams from the huge school below us, until dinner time, was not what we were going for. It was interesting to watch each other respond, both of us feeling like we are so frequently disappointed in a similar manner by things in Bolivia, and think about the counseling seminar we were just a part of. We learned that when the heat of life is pressing on you, you either have thorn tree responses (which I was struggling with) or fruit tree responses, which is due only to the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. We wanted to have fruit tree responses and I think we eventually got there- but we had to wrestle with a fair amount of irritation first. So, once we decided to stay and make the most of it (we were about to call the whole thing off), we had a great time. We read, we walked to a nearby coffee shop, I took a bath- the afternoon passed quite nicely. Then we went upstairs to a snazzy restaurant with live piano player and had a delicious dinner- best I've had in a long time. One of the things I was looking forward to the most was not being woken up at 6:30 by "mommymommymommymommy!" Of course, I expected to still wake up pretty early, as my body is now trained, but it sure was nice to just be able to lay there for a while before actually getting up. After another eating frenzy at breakfast we were happy to lay around for the rest of the morning and finish up the books we had brought. Then we actually were able to make it for an hour to the pool, order a quick lunch, and jet. What a nice time we had talking about important things, talking about not important things, playing Boggle, reading, resting, eating. I loved having Scotty to myself for a day and just doing whatever we wanted to do. After a busy last month, it was a much-needed time away.

Six years.

Today Scotty and I celebrate 6 years of marriage. Usually on this day, I look back over the last year to contemplate all that has happened and all that we have been through. I could have never guessed the roller coaster year that God had in store for us. Friends recently asked if we felt we had grown in our marriage through losing Zion and everything that followed. I think that time will show the ways that God has brought us to a deeper place in our relationship than we could have gotten to otherwise. One thing I can say is that my extreme sadness, tears, fears, doubts, anger, questions, and apathy brought out amazing qualities in Scotty that I had only a glimpse of before. Throughout the hard times, and they were terribly hard, Scotty was solid. He was patient with me. He let me cry for hours- sometimes leaving me alone, sometimes letting me soak his shirts. He didn't have any trite answers. He told me it would be OK when I didn't think it ever would again. He almost never pushed me to get "better" before I was ready. He talked about Zion. He held the house together when I didn't have the strength. He took care of Natty when I just wanted to sleep. He treated me with long-suffering that only a depth of love can when the darkness had settled and was not planning on lifting for any time soon. I am so grateful for this godly man that the Lord allowed me to walk through this short journey of life with. He challenges me to be a wife that reflects Christ and every day I pray that I might be more gracious, more forgiving, more submissive, more respectful- that my actions may further build the bond of "oneness" that is unique to marriage. After I woke up this morning, I thought how incredible it is that God led Scotty to his future wife only a month after embarking on this Bolivian adventure, and me to my future husband in only 6. He has been so good, so faithful to us and I trust He will continue to be all the days of our lives. I thank Him for allowing me 6 amazing, beautiful years with a man better than I could have imagined. I love you Scotty Miser!!

Life continues

I'm already unbuttoning my pants when I sit down. Is this normal at 9 weeks?? They say you get rounder faster with each pregnancy and I suppose I never regained the normal flat belly after Zion, but, really? The lady that cut my hair today asked me if this was my first child, before I mentioned that I was pregnant! How did she know??

Scotty and I said "see you later" to Coty and Beth Pinckney yesterday. We were very blessed by their visit and even though I was struggling with a fair amount of nauseousness and lots of sleepiness, I enjoyed every conversation and hug and meal and play time with Natty and time spent learning new sewing techniques. It was a great reminder of how intimately God can weave the body of Christ together, even when thousands of miles separate us. It was good to share the challenges of ministry and the great joys as well and be encouraged that what God has called us here to do is worth it and that it is good to be a part of God's kingdom coming on earth. Since we hadn't had a date for a couple of weeks, Scotty and I took advantage of our house help being here to watch Natty and went on a lunch date today. We decided to go downtown and check out a nice hotel where we've decided to celebrate our upcoming anniversary and eat at a beautiful cafe next door. The food was scrumptious and we were within walking distance of our favorite donut shop for a special treat afterward. I appreciate Scotty and the way he is willing to talk to me about everything and anything and the way he desires to be a better husband.

There is still much peace in my heart about the pregnancy. I give God all the glory for that- He knows that my tendency is fear and that many people would not blame me for it. But, He has graciously allowed me and is helping me to trust Him daily, even in those moments when something seems "off" in my body and I wonder if it is a forewarning of something bad. I still have moments when I'd really like to be out of Bolivia and dealing with the whole pregnancy in the states but have also come to strongly believe that whatever happens here is completely in God's hands and He has the power to control even how my doctor chooses to treat me. I pray often for wisdom as there looms ahead another surgical procedure to close up my womb, but still feel OK that the same doctor does that procedure. I can't say that I've thought or dreamed as much about this child as I have the others, but I hope as time goes on, the freedom and confidence to imagine this baby as part of our family will return. So, I fight to walk by faith and not by sight and to know that God is enough.