Welcome to America.

Funny, I just watched Lecrae's, "Welcome to America" video (Christian rapper) and the last part was from the perspective of an immigrant who is desperate to get out of his own country and into this wonderful land where anything is possible.  I was just pondering this earlier today as I sat, happily being attended as an American in the American embassy.  As I waited for my paperwork to be completed (after skipping 50 other people waiting in line to have a visa interview), I was eavesdropping on the loud embassy employee who was grilling each Bolivian who came to her window on why they wanted to go to the U.S.  Man, did she give them the third degree!  In the short time I was there, she turned away at least 3 people, saying, "Sorry.  The American laws are very strict about who can go there."  I'm not a terribly patriotic person, but the fact that I am incredibly blessed to be born an American did not escape me at that moment.  I might get frustrated with the bureaucracy or injustice I see here, but in the end, I have an out.  I am frequently confronted by the amount of faith it requires some of our Bolivian friends to continue trusting God in bad marriages, bad work situations, no work, unfair treatment in work/hospitals/schools, etc...  We see it and say, "that's terrible!", but we don't have to live it.  Although we've renounced some of the conveniences of living in the states and the gift of being close to our families to be serving here, I think it's in the back of both of our minds that if we needed care in some way that this country can not provide, we could just go back.  I don't feel guilty but I do see that my role and responsibility is to use this blessing I have of being an American to help those in need to the best of my ability and sacrificially.  Am I willing to do it?

How is Moses?

Maybe some of you are wondering how our little man is doing.  The first year with him was such a blur of sleepless nights, I can't even remember if I updated much on how he was growing and changing.  Our trip back to the US this summer was a cause for a bit of apprehension, knowing that he doesn't always take kindly to large amounts of new people, new places, changes, stimulation, etc...  However, God obviously heard the prayers of many of you and answered them so kindly in helping Mo to transition well and even sleep better than he ever has in our hopping around from state to state during those 7 weeks!  We were so very grateful and hopeful that he had finally moved past some of his night challenges.  Well, although we are farther ahead of where we were this time last year, he has regressed a bit since returning.  We couldn't handle the idea of being back in that place where we trade off going into his room several times a night for 30-90 minutes at a time to calm him down, so we tried to bring him into our bed to see what happened.  He seemed to enjoy being with us and even though he tends to be very aware of us and to wake easily and not always settle quickly there, at least we can lie down while it's all happening.  Some nights, he disturbs our rest a little bit, but we all go back to sleep quickly.  Just as frequently or more, he wakes up for a 2 hour stint during which he talks and giggles and pretend eats things off our sheets and kicks us in the head, generally driving us insane.  I swear at that moment (every time) that we will commit ourselves to retraining him to sleep in his own bed.  But, the next night comes and I just can't bring myself to go through what I know that will take.  So, he does his first few hours of sleep in his own crib and then comes to us each night for the rest.  I love the idea that he might feel closer to us through this, even though I don't always love the reality of how it all plays out.  However, if adoption challenges have taught me anything, it's that the phases pass and change and complaining or playing the victim does nothing helpful whatsoever.  What's more, I know that God is challenging me to find contentment in Him alone and not hope in Moses becoming a perfect sleeper or anything else that isn't Christ.  So, that continues to be a challenge that I am willing to take on.

Otherwise, he has grown and matured so much!  He has lots of words, some of which only we know the meaning of.  He and Jubilee have become better friends and it's heart-warming to watch them play together and laugh.  He understands everything that I say and even when I explain to him every night how Mommy wants him to try to sleep in his bed the whole night, his little face is still with concentration and listening.  His answer to that is always, "Dada", which I take to mean that he'd rather sleep with his daddy.  He LOVES people and really enjoys the attention he gets from all the kids at school who ooh and ahh over him when I take him.  But, he will cling to me while appreciating their admiration.  His smile continues to light up the world and melt the coldest hearts.  He's obsessed with trucks, tractors, semis, cars and anything with wheels- which he has given the blanket term: Dugga.  I don't remember the girls being so fixated on one thing at his age, so it's interesting to me to see this classically boy interest coming out so strongly.  He still has pretty fierce melt-downs when things don't go his way, but probably not too much more than any other almost two-year old.  And, he has finally learned how to say "no", which comes out sounding more like, "nah".  I wish he used it that nonchalantly.  He loves to eat.  He always holds hands to pray and waits patiently, no matter how long we pray.  He can read books till the cows come home.  He has incredible fine-motor skills.  And nun-chuck skills. So, that's our Momo. He's the most handsome little man ever and so charming and we still marvel that he's ours.  Thankfully, we still haven't gotten any negative commentary from people around us, but have had our fair share of confused or interested looks as we walk by and surprise when we tell people he's our son.  I can handle that.

A new start.

Where do I even start?  My blog has grown dusty in the past few months and sometimes I wonder if it's even worth picking up again.  But, I'll give it go and see if I can keep it up.  Instead of trying to recap way too many things, I'll just start with today.

We returned from a 7 week trip to the U.S. early Saturday morning.  The 2 flights from Orlando were made longer by a wiggly little toddler who let the entire plane know when he was all-done sitting in my lap and being confined to a 2 foot square space.  Not. Fun.  Anyway, leaving is never easy.  We are blessed with families who let us explode all over their homes, sleep a little longer than normal while they play with the kids, cook us food, do our laundry, etc...  We enjoyed the freedom from some of our normal responsibilities and the luxury of clean tap water, clean neighborhood pools, clean streets, warm weather, beaches, free soda refills, free returns and blueberries.  Just to name a few.  So, coming back is a mixed bag.  We were anxious to get home to our new house, which we lived in for less than 2 months before going on vacation.  And, we were excited to see some of the new friends we had made at NICS training that we'd be working alongside of at Highlands.  We know what we leave behind and we know what we're walking into.  That can be good and hard on so many levels.  Natty kept saying, "I want to go, but I don't want to go.  I'm sad, but I'm excited."  I get you.  The first day home was a blur of shortness of breath, dogs barking, 9 (yes, 9) suitcases exploding everywhere, TIREDNESS from rolling in at 4am.  As much as I wanted to be back here, there were surprising memories that crept up from deep below that brought out some fear.  No sleep and the stress of not knowing if that would ever change.  Long work hours.  Constant frustration with the differences in culture that we would never change but continually experience.  Our last year was hard and the ease of a summer away only temporarily erased that.  I think now that most of our stuff is put away, there are some groceries in the fridge and we've had some good interactions with friends at school and church, those feelings aren't as intense.  But, I know that my security can't rest in any of those things- in my control over those things.  My resolve to thrive in the moment, whatever it is bringing me, has been made stronger by being forced to choose between living in bitterness or in faith in God's goodness and ability to sustain us.  Although I have to think this year will be less intense than last year, I just don't know.  What I do know is that God never changes and His promise to me is that all is for my good.  The challenge is when that good doesn't look like what I think is good.  I'm learning....slowly.

One thing that brought a smile to my face and reminded me of one of the reasons I love living here was the bank.  I won't go into detail about how frustrating that experience was, because I'm trying to work on my attitude a bit.  What was sweet was when a cholita came in and sat down in front of the girls.  She was dressed in traditional Bolivian gear with a big skirt and little round-toed slip-on shoes and 2 long, thick braids down her back.  She smiled at the girls and said they looked pretty, like little Barbies.  My motherly fears of my girls being compared to Barbie won't come in here.  Jubilee got up to hang out with me while I chased Moses around, trying to keep him from launching out into the parking lot looking for "duggas" (trucks), but I watched Natty from afar, chatting it up with this middle-aged, indigenous woman.  They were laughing, they were sharing information, they were communication beautifully.  Natty hadn't lost her Spanish and she looked so grown up to me, sitting alone, smiling at this older woman.  She shared everything they chit-chatted about with me and I marveled at her ability not only to interact with an adult, her ability to do that in Spanish, but the privilege of growing up getting to know another culture.  So sweet.

Home sweet home.

Wow!  I am such a terrible blogger these days!  Do people even read non-famous-people blogs anymore?  Other than my mom?

We're in the house!  Man, I did not foresee the stress it would be to move all our junk over here while a handful of workers were still milling about, important projects were yet to be completed and general chaos reigned.  I realized afresh that my personality likes order, completion, set expectations, and comfort.  I did not enjoy bathing myself and my children from a large soup pot of water heated up on the stove for the first 2 weeks while hot water got sorted.  I did not like driving by our old apartment to try to catch the wi-fi signal until internet got installed 2 weeks later.  However, that is all in the past now and we are slowly getting ourselves unpacked and set up.  There is still a list a mile long of stuff that needs to happen and the entry and back still very much look like a construction site.  But, it's home.  A day doesn't go by that I don't marvel that we are finally in here.  My favorite part, you ask?  Oh, do I have to pick one?!  My kitchen- how did I ever survive without a massive island?  My bathtub....oh, to have a real bath!  My laundry room- no more hiking down 3 floors with a full laundry basket!  The yard!  We haven't really been able to play in it fully because the whole month has been planting grass time and it is covered in a neat layer of sheep poop at the moment.  There really are too many wonderful things to mention.  Now, I would just like life to slow down enough to start inviting people over to enjoy it with us.

Speaking of that, is this our new normal?  Scotty basically works day and night.  Moses continues to wake us up for extended periods of time each night.  The house still requires lots of work and related errands.  We are just barely treading water here.  I want to feel like I have a good routine and habit of work, rest, exercise, ministry, family time, etc...  What is the secret, cause I'm all over the place?  Time is short before we're heading back to the U.S. for NICS training, fund-raising and family-visiting.  I'm hoping we'll have some time then to really think about what we want to focus our limited time and energies on regarding ministry.  It's weird to be in this totally different place but not be sure exactly what it's all supposed to look like for our family.  I think the craziness of life with 3 little kids also works against my natural desire to have everything predictable and makes me feel a bit out of control.  All things to pray about...

So, I'll try to keep up better!  Thanks for being patient.

P.S.  I started running with an informal little group of single, female teachers once a week.  I'm not a runner but I love the time with them!  Goal: 5K in May, to an Italian restaurant where we will replace all our lost calories.

Rain and tantrums.

We had strangely little rain this rainy season, until February hit.  Now, it's making up for it.  As I type, rain is pouring outside and I'm wondering if Moses and Scotty are staying dry in their trek downtown.  Although Moses came down with a bad cold earlier this weekend, I decided to make an appointment with our lawyer to go to immigration and get started on the paperwork for his passport.  We'll be travelling to the US in June and he'll still need to get a US visa, since he can't become an American citizen for two years after the adoption.  We packed a snack and diapers and wipes and all the documents and water and extra tissues since we both have the cold.  I drove us down to where the bus stop is and thanked God the rain had let up enough to get to the covered bus bench and still be dry.  An elderly woman walked up to wait for the bus and immediately started talking to Moses.  "Hey, little man!"  She tried to grab his hands and I immediately wondered where her hands had been last.  He pulled away and she tried again.  He pulled away and turned his whole body from her and she says, "He really doesn't want me to hold his hands!"....at which point she made yet another attempt to touch a stranger's baby.  Of course, nothing clever came to mind to let this lady kindly know that his mommy didn't want her touching him either.  So, she sat down and looked over at him again and made some comment about his ears sticking strangely in one spot.  Yes, his ears slightly roll...let's move on.  We made small talk about other things until the bus came and it was packed! I was thankful that a city bus system has made it to La Paz where there is a set route and the "host" of the bus makes people get up and give a seat to elderly, pregnant and people with babies.  Most public transport stops every 5 ft. or wherever someone wants to get on or off and doesn't show as much courtesy.  Anyway, we made it almost to immigration without a problem until Moses started coughing so hard that he threw up on us.  Sigh.  Wiped that off super fast and then ran across the street for some photocopies and then off to find our lawyer.  She was prompt and we got in line to wait our turn to start paperwork.  Sadly, by the time they got to us, Moses was done with being there, being held and generally being awake.  When Moses gets tired, bored, annoyed, etc... he begins to throw himself backward, usually hitting his head on something around him and if he can make it to the ground, he'll lay down crying and kicking his legs.  It's cute.  His response today was a bit toned down because he's partially lost his voice and doesn't have much energy.  But, I'd already been lugging his 25lb. self around all morning from one transport to another and it was still tiring to maintain control with one arm while I clutched my bag and paperwork with the other.  I got a fair number of looks for his childish outburst, especially from a couple of women behind the counter who were shooting me the who-let-this-woman-adopt-a-kid vibe.  We only had to endure another 20 minutes before we found out that, contrary to what our lawyer had recently been told by an immigration official, Scotty needed to come sign the paperwork- today.  Before 3pm.  Nevermind that he has a job about an hour away from the office.  Well, the Lord was gracious because he was able to get off of work early, pick MoMo up after his early nap (yay, he actually went to sleep early!) and they are currently in route.

So, one more step in making Mo official.  It's always good to get these things accomplished, even though they are never easy or convenient.  He is definitely showing some temper issues but I am trying to remind myself that he is both an immature baby and a child who had a tough start in life, which can dramatically alter many many things, including responses to disagreeable situations.  I'm so grateful for the wealth of information out there about families like us when I begin to wonder.  These last few months have felt heavy as he's started to show a bit more "spirit" and regressed a bit with sleeping.  Sometimes it just feels overwhelming as a mommy.  However, the Lord has truly given me a lot of peace and strength in those moments when I'm just not sure if I can take one more outburst, from any of my children.  And grace, for when I fail to handle them well.  He's now been with us longer than he was in the orphanage and I still remember with gratitude those long years of waiting- that they are over.  What a gift he is to our family.

The Miser Family Purpose Statement.

I feel like I'm not an incredibly intentional person.  I don't have a weekly schedule of what chores need to get done on what day.  I don't do meal plans (do my detriment). Scotty and I don't have a set date night. I often fail to call people I know are expecting a call or would really appreciate one.  There are various things that go into all of that, but I am constantly wanting to be a more orderly, somewhat driven person.  I do love order.  I love knowing what to expect.  I want to know what comes next.  As my life gets more full with kids, responsibilities and more relationships, I am beginning to feel that longing, that urgency, to think through what my life should look like, what's important, how I should really spend my time.  I love the idea of simplicity, of not rushing around from one thing to the next and constantly feeling overwhelmed- as can happen when there are a lot of people with a lot of agendas.  So, a few years ago, Scotty and I read through most of a book called Organized Simplicty by Tsh Oxenreider.  In one chapter, she leads you through the steps of formulating a family purpose statement.  It's to be not too specific, not too general, timeless, simple.  Easy, right?  Scotty and I talked through all of this a year or so ago when we were on home assignment.  But, I lost the scrap of paper I had written all our ideas down on (see! I'm a mess).  So, with the turn of a new year, we wanted to revisit the purpose statement.  We got a babysitter, drove to a local Italian restaurant, and talked through all sorts of things regarding who we are as a family, what is important to us, how we are unique, what our strengths and weaknesses are.  We have struggled in the past to not feel guilty and inadequate because of the fact that we seem to move slower and take on less responsibilities than some around us.  I think we've always seen it as a character flaw (and it sometimes can be when it's associated with running away from hard things or not caring enough about others).  However, one thing that stood out to me tonight was how much Scotty and I are intrinsically designed to LOVE a relaxed pace, interacting with people in a leisurely way, doing low-key activities together as a family and generally keepin' it chill.  Like I said, it can have a down side, but it was helpful to me to see that this is a value for us and it's part of how God has made us and (hopefully) how He uses us to enjoy each other, bless others and take time to appreciate the life He's given us in all its glory, fun and beauty.

So, we have a purpose statement now. It's a little rough and we might tweak it as time goes on.  But, it feels good.  It feels intentional.

Thanksgiving trip.

Well, here I am again with only a couple minutes to blog!  I'll give a whirlwind wrap-up of our first road trip with Moses at Thanksgiving.  Hop over to FB to see the pics.

The girls so rarely get to take baths!  3 in a tub.

We were so excited to go with our friends Zack and Carolyn and their baby Henry to visit my old roommate, Timara, who now runs the SIM guesthouse in Cochabamba with her family.  Road trips from La Paz always include a beautiful drive on the 13,000ft. high altiplano.  There's rural villages, llamas, breathtaking mountainscapes, and a painful lack of bathrooms.  Can you believe we didn't stop for a potty break the entire 6 1/2 hour drive there??  I set the girls up with worksheets I had downloaded from the internet and a short audible book.  Moses had a couple toys, books and food which managed to keep him happy in between a short nap for the long haul.  We arrived around bedtime, which was a bit stressful for Mo since he thought the apartment where we were staying for those 3 nights was the most interesting place he had ever been and he wanted to crawl every inch and grab everything within reach.  After getting his crib set up and enduring a long session of screaming, I started to wonder if we had made a mistake taking him on a trip like this so early into his transition into our family.  However, he proved himself by taking his normal naps and sleeping just as well at night as he does at home!  Good job, buddy!

The girls woke up each morning and went straight downstairs to run around the expansive living areas, kitchen and yard.  They feasted on fruit loops, a delicacy found rarely in our house, and generally ran themselves silly.  There are swings and a slide and two dogs and grass and blackberries and all manner of simple pleasures that the girls can't get enough of.  Moses crawled and crawled and ate leaves and petted the dogs and crawled some more.  They took baths and we walked around town and mostly we just hung out with Timara and her family and Zack and Carolyn.  Visiting Cochabamba is such a restful activity for us!  Thanksgiving day was a blast as we shared traditional American fare with old friends, new friends and in between.  We always remember that special Thanksgiving meal many moons ago when Scotty and I met and started a friendship that would quickly become much more.

After two quick days, we were back on the road again to start the home stretch before Christmas break. And here we are!  One half day more of school and my in-laws arrive and the festivities can really begin.  Our house won't be done like we were so sure it would, but we expect to enjoy a lot of time together as a a family, which is what we are all longing for in this busy season.

MoMo update

Oh, my.  Does anyone even stop by here anymore?  It's been a while...  This is mostly because we're living at breakneck speed with no time to sit down and write, or think, or rest, or anything else I used to do.  I was inspired to pump out a blog in the last 15 minutes I have before I pick up Natty because I was just reading another adoptive mom's blog where she shares the real story of what adoption is like.  I was actually looking for someone to answer the question I have of why Moses, after starting to sleep soundly most nights, is back to waking up screaming and arching his back and generally acting traumatized at night.  (I didn't find anything, if you want to know)  However, I came across Jen Hatmaker's blog and remembered that maybe some of you out there want to know how it's all going.

Moses.  He's adorable.  He has one of those smiles I always read about in novels, but hadn't actually seen much of in real life: it totally lights up his face.  He's one serious dude when he's not smiling.  He is into everything and bored quickly by it.  But, we have no yard, so I try to find new and interesting this in the house to entertain him.  Today: Daddy's toolbox.  You can't poke your eye out with a screwdriver unless you're crawling with it, right?  He has a window-shattering scream.  And he will use it when he doesn't get his way.  He goes through long phases of sulking around the house, crying and throwing himself to the ground when I put him down.  At other points, I'll find him happily browsing through his sisters' library for chunks of time.  He eats A LOT.  Seriously, easily more than Jubilee.  He LOVES books.  When I pick one up, he'll take a deep breath, let out a happy squeal and crawl as fast as he can into my lap and sometimes bounce.  He smiles at people, but doesn't want to be held by them.  He actually gets a fair amount of attention around town.  In short (or long), he's an amazing baby.  I look at him and wonder what awful thing must have happened in his birth mom's life that she was willing to give such a precious boy up.  We love him deeply and more every day.  But, I have to admit that the switch from 2 to 3 kids has been hard.  I think it's amplified by the fact that we are building a house and that Scotty is in a new and demanding job.  And, I often feel a certain amount of stress that I don't have any resources (apart from the internet, which is not always incredibly helpful, if you know what I mean) to help me maneuver the waters of adoption.  Is he acting this way cause he feels rejected by me or is he just being a normal one year old?  Is he waking up more at night because I'm not as attentive to his needs in the day as I should be or is it just normal behavior for a baby who's lived in an institution and spent the first 8 months of his life experiencing consistent trauma?  Does he have any common adoption disorders that I'm not aware of or noticing that we could be working toward helping him through?

So, that's Moses.  It's hard to condense all the other things that we've been dealing with and learning in these last few months, so I won't try.  But, it has a lot to do with being continually disappointed by people (mostly regarding the house), experiencing the ensuing anger, repenting that my heart is still so clouded by sin, and then the Lord helping me to see that my focus is often on everything else but Him.  It's been one of the hardest phases in our marriage and family life.  So. Much. Stress.  Some days I feel OK about it, some days I really don't.  Check back in soon and I'll try to go more into that.

The parable of the cranky children.

Love me.  Now!

I've been thinking a bit about the parable of the hidden treasure lately.  You know the one.  Where the man finds a hidden treasure and in his joy, sells all he has to buy the land where he found the treasure.  Even though everything in my life is in fast motion right now, I managed to slow down long enough to think about this parable that I've read probably hundreds of times in my life.  Obviously this parable is not like some of the others where the meaning was hidden to the people Jesus was speaking with.  This one is blatantly talking about God's kingdom.  So, what does this look like for me?  Do I have to sell everything I have to find the kingdom of heaven?  I don't think so.  To sell everything- that is a big sacrifice!  But, what about to give up sleep?  To give up "me time"?  To be busier than I like to be, more needed, stretched in more directions than I'm used to?  What if that is the sacrifice the Lord is asking me to make to find his kingdom?  It seems like God's kingdom in Bible times came to those who were being healed and freed and given sight.  We're told even though the fullness is yet to come, we live in His kingdom when He is at work around us, in us and through us.  When I am rocking Moses in the night for the 10th time because he is crying again, God's kingdom has come.  When I'm sorting out tears and tantrums from my 3 year old and showing her that someone cares, God's kingdom has come.  When I sympathetically listen to my eldest complain that everyone else gets treated better than her, God's kingdom has come.  I've been known to complain about a lot of these things lately.  It's exhausting to mother 3 needy children.  (Can I get an AMEN?!)  But, I think the Lord is wanting me to see that the painful sacrifice of it all brings me an even greater reward: Himself.

Life will be better when...

...Moses starts sleeping more at night.
...we're in the new house.
...Scotty gets on top of his work.
...Jubilee gets past the jealous phase.
...I have more time for myself again.

We've all done it.  (Or am I the only one?)  We look ahead to some future goal, a hope, the return of something we had before, and think life will be better/easier/less stressful.  I think I'll somehow become more content, more godly, more disciplined when these things happen.  The Lord has been challenging us about this erroneous way of thinking.  It's the lie that we too easily believe that keeps us from being content, keeps us from finding joy in the now, robs us of learning what this season (how ever hard it may be) is meant to teach us.  Scotty and I are trying so hard to take this phrase out of our vocabulary, but I know we both still struggle with it.  We're at the beginning of a transition phase and sometimes we just want to push through and get to the end of it, as though the process was not more important.  It's in the midst of the stress of a new job, the exhaustion of a baby who needs us all hours of the night, the confusion and frustration of trying to build a house in a developing country that we learn to cry out to our Lord who is in control of it all.  We see how quickly we fall short of being merciful, kind, patient people and instead see a big mess of ugly sin that is need of endless forgiveness.  We learn to be grateful for little things.  How desperately I want this season not to be one we'll look back on and say, "Whew!  Glad that's over".  But, "Remember how sweet that time was?  How much fun we had as a family in the chaos?  How much we grew?"  Only by God's grace.

10 years?!

I have to laugh at this picture that was taken during a day retreat we went on last weekend to celebrate 10 years of marriage.  We look so tired!  I suppose 3 months of hardly sleeping will do that to you.  Sigh.  But, taking a day away in this beautiful, relaxing place was just what we needed.  Friends of ours have a retreat center about 25 minutes downhill from our house.  The landscape changes dramatically, as does the weather, and by the time we arrived, we were in a green valley with farms all around.  They had reserved the whole place just for us with the purpose of really resting in God's presence, spending time in the Word, praying together and just hanging out.  We were blessed to have our trusted house-helper come to stay with the kids, the first time we've left Moses for a whole day.  They all did great!  And we were able to reflect on God's goodness to our family these last 10 years.  Here's some highlights:

2005: Married and moved to our first home in Charlotte, NC.  We quickly developed a tight community through Desiring God Community Church that made that year amazing.  So glad to still be in relationship with those peeps.

2006:  Back to Bolivia!  To the land where we met and fell in love and where God has called us to live long-term.  Back into Spanish classes.  Found the apartment we've lived in since and have long out-grown.  Met our church planting team!

2007:  God creates our first baby and we lose him.  Scotty breaks his collarbone in a bike accident.  God begins forming our character through suffering. We decide to take a trip to Spain: Madrid, Barcelona, and Sevilla.

2008:  Natalie Inez is born- we're parents!  Let the ride begin...  Also squeeze in a trip to Argentina and Uruguay earlier in the year.

2009:  We take a long home assignment and travel the east/mid-west to see the incredible friends and supporters God has blessed us with.  So fun to celebrate Natty's first birthday with our family!

2010:  Baby #3- a boy!  Little Zion Scott is born premature and rocks our world for 19 days.  He leaves us all too soon and we learn what real suffering looks like.  Life will never be the same and God becomes more real than ever.

2011:  The church plant we have helped start is well established.  Scotty is deep in the work of being an elder and small group leader.  God rocks us again with baby #4 and we decide to have this one in the U.S.

2012- Jubilee Sage!  Our great joy as we experience the fulfillment of hope after loss.

2013- Burn out.  It's big and ugly and hanging on.  We struggle in ministry and as a family.

2014- God leads us back to the U.S. for rest and counselling.  He does a miracle in restoration and healing and we're back in Bolivia after a couple months and ready for some changes.

2015- Baby #5- Moses David!!  We've been through a roller coaster of experiences and emotions in his adoption journey and now he is finally home where he belongs.  Plus, we're building a house and Scotty starts his long-awaited job at Highlands.  So much excitement!  So much stress!  It's been a full year.

What will the next 10 bring?

In the trenches.

I'm sitting on my bed with coffee and dark chocolate and a candle burning.  It's cold outside and cloudy today.  The wind cuts right through your clothes and makes it impossible to be warm.  Sounds cozy in here, right?  Don't let me fool you- I also have a very sick little boy glaring at me with half-closed sick eyes and whimpering faintly because he's almost totally hoarse.  He was burning up with a fever last night and crying continually.  All.  Night.  Long.  I don't think I've ever gotten so little sleep...even in those crazy high school lock-ins at church (remember those?).  Scotty and Natty started school yesterday and my parents left in the wee hours of the morning and I thought I would have this lovely week of getting Moses back onto a decent sleep schedule at night, start going to the gym and generally have perfect control over my circumstances.  Ha!  I don't think the Lord sits up in heaven smirking down on us with a sarcastic grin, but He must wonder why we learn so very slowly.  So, I'm still in the depth of the trenches and wondering if I should try to get this very sad little boy a a doctor (except his pediatrician doesn't work today) and asking myself if life will ever be normal again.  Here's to chocolate and a moment to blog.  Small victories.

Full.

This is the quietest moment I can remember having lately.  I can't actually remember having a quiet moment in the last few months.  There are so many things I want to do.  Sleep.  Read.  Take a walk.  Cook something healthy and yummy.  Clean my ever-messy house! (I don't really want to do this one but wish it would happen magically).  So, I'm blogging instead.  Somehow blogging makes me feel satisfied and helps me to process where I am right now.  It might be quick and it will have no pictures, but I will be able to type out all that has been going on and feel a little lighter by the end.

My parents are here!  They came 2 1/2 weeks ago and leave on Tuesday.  We've mostly stayed around the house and found that cooking for 6, cleaning up after 6 and playing with small children can occupy an entire day.  Mom has helped me organize and graciously washed all our dishes.  Dad has been helping Scotty with projects and entertaining Moses, who is crawling!  Mo has responded well to their visit, although he has regressed at night.  Boo.  This could be due to just about anything and I am learning to roll with it.  The girls have LOVED playing ponies and animals and just about anything with their grandparents and we take daily walks over to the land to see progression on the house.  How lovely it will be to host people when we have a larger home!!  You're all invited.  :)

Scotty has had the last week at Highlands doing school prep and orientation!  During this last year of transition, there have been a few moments when I've thought- when is it going to end?  The date for school to start and Scotty to begin working officially seemed to hover so far off into the misty future.  But, as always happens, it got here!  He's been so busy trying to keep up with house build stuff and getting to know his way around a new community and job.  He's so happy and I love that.  We know it will be a huge transition for our family (another one- yay!), but we also know it will be so healthy for all of us.  I love that he will be on campus with Natty and eventually with the other two.  I love that he already has some really good guy friends among the staff...something he hasn't had and really needed for a while now.  I love how it is challenging him to live with excellence and integrity in his work, something that is so important to him, in order to honor Christ and draw others to Him.  It's going to be so good.  And maybe a bit challenging.

I feel like I've lived in this apartment cave for the last few months.  Adding a third child, and one who is essentially special needs, is a lot of work.  I've come up for air a few times and been able to go out with some girl friends or to a Bible study, thanks to Scotty hanging out with all three, but it's been intense.  However, I feel strongly that this is God's call on us as a family, and me in particular as a mom.  He has sustained us and will continue to do so.  I'm hoping with the start of school, Natty and Scotty out of the house, and just the three of us here, I can get into a routine.  I like routine.  A lot.  I miss time and energy to read, to work out, just to think.  But, that will come.  Right now- my baby is sitting in his crib screaming and trying to get my attention, so we will hold off on more thoughts for now.  Thanks for sticking with us.

Life rolls on...

Moses has these incredibly dark, brown eyes.  I've only managed to find his pupils once, with the light shining in just the right way to help me distinguish them from the shiny, almost-black liquid all around.  Today I noticed I can see my whole head reflected in his iris while I feed him his bottle and he gazes up at me.  I pray that the face peering down at him is the one he is beginning to associate with love, with care, with fun, with Mommy. The feeling he's never had and will never develop in the "normal" way.  But, I pray as he takes in my face, he will know that he can trust me, that he won't be alone anymore.  You have to wonder what goes on in their minds.  Does he still remember the orphanage?  If we went back, would he get excited to see his previous care-givers, his little "friends"?  Would it scare him?

He's doing a little better at night, although we usually have a couple good nights and then things go downhill for a week or so.  I'm pretty sure he's teething and that is throwing off eating and sleeping.  But, we are much more functional than we were a month ago, praise God!  He's growing, too, and getting so heavy I'm not sure how much longer I can safely bend over and lift him out of his crib without causing back problems.  Scotty and I both noted that he hardly feels lighter than Jubilee at this point!  Although he doesn't make any typical pre-verbal noises, he loves to make kiss sounds and blow raspberries and is definitely making forward movement on his tummy.  He sat through his second church service yesterday with success and we even let a couple people hold him.  All of that might have played into the rougher night we had last night.  But, I suppose at some point you have to try to live a more regular life-style again.  I still haven't made it back to the gym and I wonder when that beloved routine will return.  At first, it was out of exhaustion that I wasn't going, now I think it's just because I've lost the habit (and my old gym closed).  In another couple of weeks, Scotty will begin teaching and our routine will go through another major switch that we'll need to adjust to as a family.  It might sound funny to most, but I can hardly imagine our lives being dictated by the 9-5!  We've had such flexibility in these hard and wonderful 9 years as church workers and I will miss that, somewhat.  But, I know the structure will also be a great thing for Scotty and me.

My parents come on Wednesday!  Shhhh...it's a surprise for the girls.  They're going to freak out!  We're so excited to have them here, to introduce Moses to one set of grandparents, to show them our half-finished house and just to enjoy hanging out after more than a year of being apart.

What's new, you say?

Well, after my last post, we had a couple really great nights with Moses and then a week of horrible nights.  I was about to lose hope that he'd ever real sleep and get on a "normal" schedule.  It's amazing how lack of sleep can affect you so deeply and make everything seem harder, sadder, darker.  Last night, he actually slept half-way decently and we woke up feeling that old flame of hope rekindled that we might eventually get into a good rhythm.  Of course, one night is just one night, but at this point, every victory is huge!  We know from others' experiences and all the literature and studies on adoption that sleep issues can last for years, but when everyone around you is assuming that Moses should be adjusted now and sleeping wonderfully, you start to wonder why it's not happening that way.  I have to remind myself that we're the first people a lot of our friends have known that have adopted a child and I need to be gracious with them as I help them understand the realities of what our little man has been through and how it affects him now.

It's funny how this little person that I've only known for a couple months feels so much like a part of our family.  I find that I hardly ever think about the fact that he's adopted and not straight from my own body.  In fact, it's a bit strange for me to recognize that he was incubated in some other woman's body, birthed by her, and then left.  Wow!  I suppose to be constantly aware of that fact would be a bit overwhelming.  I'm just so glad that the girls love him like they do.  We're still itching to take him out more, but find that each excursion anywhere that boasts of much stimulation (which is pretty much anywhere outside of our house or neighborhood), keeps him awake and stressed at night.  The poor baby starts and jumps and yells and generally looks scared.  I hate to do that to him.  So, I guess the Lord knew that school vacation would be just the time for him to come home, so that no one would need to go anywhere in particular.

I love how most people don't yet comment on the fact that he looks nothing like us.  Most strangers coo at Moses like any other baby and ask how old he is and say how cute he is.  One shopkeeper looked at him and looked at Jubilee and said, "Isn't it so interesting how they can come out so differently??".  Yes, it is interesting.

So, here's some little peeps into who this Moses Miser is.  He loves to get the attention of strangers when we are out, generally by grunting loudly at them until they turn his way.  Then he immediately breaks out the wide-mouth grin and babbles incoherently at them.  He's very friendly.  He happily lets Natty cart him all over the house without complaining and will sit contently on a blanket with toys spread about and entertain himself for a while.  He's starting to get the itch to move a lot more and we'll find him changed from a seated position to on his tummy, swiveling from side to side to find new things to suck on.  He always greats us with a smile after a nasty night of not sleeping.  He eats everything I put in front of him, even if it has chard or lentils in it.  However, I do struggle to get enough formula in.  He's incredibly observant and loves to be tossed in the air by Daddy.  That's our little boy!  Tomorrow we'll have our final hearing that will make this whole thing official.  Praise God!

The ugly truth.

So, there are two reasons why I haven't blogged much since Moses came home.  One, we have another child in this house who is a baby and who I feel I can never be apart from for more than 5 seconds because then he won't attach to us and trust us.  That takes time and energy, of which I have very little because we aren't sleeping.  Two, I feel a little bad that after all the praying, hoping, desperation, whining and longing- things are tougher than I expected them to be.  I'd like to write that it's all rainbows and unicorns.  I'd like to gush about how all our pain and tears and suffering has culminated in this magical formation of a perfect family.  However, I'm just barely making it through each day and managing to take care of my kids, maybe organize the house a teeny bit and attempting (and often failing) to be patient and loving.  What I can say is that Moses is a beautiful part of our family.  We all love him and enjoy passing our days together.  However, he becomes a very different baby at night.  As is very common with adopted kids, night is hard.  He eats 4-6 times a night.  He wakes up between those meals and cries for inexplicable reasons and takes anywhere from 5-60 minutes to get back to sleep.  Although we'll have one night a week that is slightly less tortuous than the others, it's not getting better yet.  I think this is normal.  I know it won't be like this forever.  I try to think back to when the girls were infants and there were weeks and even months that I thought I would struggle through forever and never have a "normal" life again.  It wasn't true.  I did get to sleep through the night again.  I got back to the gym and was able to take care of myself.  I had a regular time in the day to find quiet and read my Bible.  That just isn't now.  There are many days I sink in the mire of my own self-pity or fear that we're in over our heads and I was encouraged today by this quote that talks about believing what is true and letting it shape your emotional response:

Some will say, "Well, that doesn't work for me.  When I hear truth, it doesn't have an emotional effect on me.  It doesn't take away my anxiety".....If the Bible's arguments are not having an effect on you, it's because you have little faith in what it says.  Faith is massively important here.  We must trust.  We must believe what Jesus says.  (John Piper)

So, I will ask the Lord again for more faith and know that as I ponder what is true, it will help me push on through what is inevitably a phase that will pass.  One day I will have the mental faculties to see what He has done and be amazed.  I will marvel more often at our new son and not panic when I hear his cry at night.  I will wax eloquently about this marvelous thing called adoption.  For now, know that we are grateful and we are heavily dependent on our awesome God.  And very sleepy.

It happened.

Where do I start?  Life has certainly changed with Moses a daily part of it.  It's almost like having a newborn again, since we are still trying to learn his signals, his desires, his communication.  He wakes up quite a bit at night to drink milk every 3 hours.  Between bottles, he wakes up in a fair amount of tummy pain, as his body needs to adjust to our brand of formula.  Nights are hard, but he makes up for it in the day with his good naps and sweet attitude.  He takes in the world around him, especially his crazy big sisters, and rarely has a negative word.  God really knew who would be a perfect fit for our family!  We're laying low, mostly around the house, for the time being- following the good advice of professionals and other adoptive parents to keep things chill in order for all of us to get good and attached to each other.  Between making bottles, feeding, changing diapers and putting down for naps (not to mention what the older girls need), I hardly feel like I could do much else right now.

So, it's a bit surreal that we've finally arrived at this point.  I can't tell you how many times it seemed as though it would NEVER happen.  I'm so glad that is all behind us.  I am grateful that the girls, especially Natty, really enjoy him.  I am grateful that he feels like a part of us- the thought that he was incubated and birthed by another woman is hard to imagine.  I am grateful he seems to be totally comfortable with us.  I am super grateful that Scotty can stick around more than normal to give me a hand and make bottles and read stories to the girls.  He an amazing father and husband.  So, we're a family of 5 now!  I look forward to us growing even more as Moses becomes a deeper part of who we are.

Bricks and disappointment.

Scotty and I decided to take a morning off from visiting Moses in order to check out some brick we might use for our house.  We took Jubi along and drove up to El Alto after dropping Natty off at school.  We picked up a guy who is working for us on the house so he could direct us where to go and then weaved around the mostly dirt roads, heavily-laden with cargo trucks, trying to find the brick factory.  When I say "brick factory", I mean a place out in the middle of nowhere that is usually set on the edge or side of some mountain and has a large brick oven and a few hard-working men and women.  The finished and unfinished bricks lie around in mountains by the sides of the road, waiting to be hauled away or cooked.  This has been my experience with brick factory here.  This was no exception and as we drove down the bumpy dirt road, we were impressed by the view from this 13,000 ft. plateau, surrounded by 360 degrees of Andean, snow-capped mountains.  After chatting with a guy who swore he could make the type of brick we were looking for, we meandered back more or less the way we came, trying a few different back roads to see if they'd get us to where we needed to go.  One of these roads had a wall with a clearly painted message stating, "Suspicious cars will be burned." and "Thieves will be burned alive."  Yes, this happens.  After these lovely warnings, I get a phone call from my lawyer.  I've been anxiously trying to get in touch with her but my calls and messages were being ignored.  She told me what I partly suspected, that we won't be able to get a hearing this week.  The rest of the trip back home, I rode in silence.  It's physically and mentally exhausting to be let down so many times.  I want so badly to take that kind of news in stride, but I also want so badly for our son to come home.  Those two desires war within me and I'm afraid for a little while, the second wins out and I am in despair.  More quickly than before, I am able to feel peace again and so I know all of the trials of this journey have not been in vain.  Surely God is refining me and obviously there is more yuck to burn away in my soul.  I'm glad that we are able to be with Moses, even though it's in the orphanage.  For so many months now, I've had mental deadlines- like, by the time this happens, we'll have Moses home with us.  When that date or event goes by, I set a new deadline.  I've lost track of how many times I've reset my mental schedule.  I hope that next week will prove to be the real schedule and that crib set up in the corner of my room won't be empty any longer.

Happy Mother's Day to me!

Yesterday, I asked the director of the orphanage if she would have mercy on us and let us take Moses home for a day since we are stuck there for another week.  We agreed overnight might be too big of a change for him when he'll have to go back to the orphanage before we get him for good.  So, we all jumped in the car this morning and got there just in time with him wrapped up in a thick blanket and baby-sized sleeping bag with a knit hat on (I had on a tank top and light hoodie jacket if you want to know how cold it really was) and ready to go!  They sent us home with their own food and his formula and bottle and we were off!

First car trip!  Going home...temporarily.

He was quiet, as usual, in the car and eventually drifted off for most of the ride home.  When we got here, we decided just to let him keep sleeping- I knew that his whole schedule would probably be thrown out of whack and was ready to try to roll with that.  Poor Jubilee was feeling crummy and didn't want me out of her sight.  It was a bit of a challenge to have her running a fever and wanting me to be with her, while we also tried to introduce Moses to his new home.  After waking up, we gave him the tour and he set off playing right away.  I was nervous he would be scared and cry, but I'm getting the impression that he really does have a laid-back nature, which is great!  He ate his mid-day meal without fussing and then had his bottle and actually fell right to sleep in his crib!

I never get to bottle feed him since he goes to sleep in his crib with his bottle.  

Cat nap.

 I was thinking, wow!  Perfect!  Then, he was up about 15 minutes later and would not go back to sleep for anything.  He usually naps for 3 hours mid-day in the orphanage so I knew this wasn't good.  We played with him for about an hour before I strapped him into his carrier and he fell asleep on me for close to 2 hours.  It was sweet and I tried not to feel bad about not doing anything but mostly sitting around all that time.  The rest of the day went as smoothly as to be hoped for and he even took a half hour or so nap in his crib later- going in awake and falling asleep on his own after chewing on a tag for a while.  He seemed happy here, interested in the girls and it felt amazing to have him in our home.  As night fell (he was supposed to be back around 7), we were all sad that we had to take him back.  It was just right for him to be here!  But, we bundled him up and he made it back just in time for playtime until bed at 9.  I told the head caretaker that she needed to let us have him again one day this week and she made it sound like we could take him home as much as we wanted!  Shhhhh...don't tell my lawyer.  ;)  Hooray!!  I'm hoping this will ease him into our home and not be overwhelming to spend the day with us and the night with them.  I have to say, he was pretty happy to see his caretakers at the orphanage when we got back.  That's a great sign, but I was a teeny bit jealous.  What a great mother's day gift!

Day 4.

Today was Day #4 with Moses.  I think he's recognizing me and even bounced a little in his walker when I came in yesterday. Although we're still pleased with the orphanage, the realities of taking care of so many babies with so few people is becoming more apparent.  The littlest ones spend a lot of time just laying in their cribs.  Hence, the very flat head Moses has in the back.  Crying is often ignored or a bottle is tied to the crib sides and balanced in the mouth of the baby to quiet it.  I wonder how long it will take for us to break that habit.  After arriving today, I walked into the crib room and heard a baby incessantly crying while I looked at all the walkers for Moses.  Then I went over to his crib and realized he was the crier.  He had gotten himself wedged between the side of the crib and the mattress and there was no one around to relieve him.  These aren't huge things, but I know months of only getting the most basic needs met (except for love, the most important) takes its toll on a baby.  I'm anxious to get him out and get him home.  Our lawyer was supposed to talk with the secretary to make a date for our next hearing where he'll be released to come home, but I haven't heard from her.  This usually means no news.

Scotty, Jubilee and I went up this morning for an hour and a half to play with baby Moses.  I usually strap him into the baby carrier for a bit, which signals sleep-time in his mind.  When I see the eyes drooping, I get him out so as not to throw off the orphanage schedule.  They have meal/bottle time planned for right before nap so every feeding is a game to see who wins- Moses, falling asleep before eating or me, pouring food down his throat as fast as possible.  I feel so bad for him as I continually try to rouse him to eat while his eyes are rolling into the back of his head. Is it always this way or are we particularly exhausting to him?  I asked the director this morning if I could take him out of the orphanage for a walk this afternoon, fulling expecting her to say "no".  But, she said that was fine and so we ventured out for the first time.  He was either mesmerized or terrorized by the cars and then fell asleep directly.  It felt good to have him in a more regular environment and I tried to imagine having the freedom to do that whenever I want.  For now, we are just trying to balance his twice daily visits which eat up the majority of the day, while also dealing with the girls and other things that need to get done.  I'm still amazed that it's all finally happening and can't wait till we can bring him home!