Early morning thoughts

Some times your best thoughts come to you in the early morning.  God speaks to your heart and you feel a special connection and peace before you get the day going.  That's not what my early morning looked like today...  After feeding Jubilee around 4, while she was talking away in her crib (thinking it was time to get up??), I had 2 major thoughts.  One, I am completely lacking intentionality in my life right now.  I am not intentional with how I plan my day.  I am not intentional with the activities I choose to do with Natalie- often getting side-tracked in the middle of us playing together and wandering off to fold diapers or wash dishes without even telling her.  I am not intentional with my husband or anyone else for that matter.  In our last team meeting, we talked about whether we were thriving or just surviving.  Survival-mode, all the way.  I think it's part of transitioning back into life in La Paz.  At first we were consumed with just getting everyday things in order and then the girls got sick and now, after several weeks of needing to stay home with them, I'm just doing what needs to be done each day.  Shower, dress kids, change diapers, cook, clean dishes, survive, try not to get frustrated at anyone, etc...  It's getting old.  I finally made myself intentionally read my Bible and catch up with my reading plan today while I had a few minutes to myself here and there.  I think my default when life seems out of control or not as satisfactory as I want it to be is just to put myself on cruise control.  I am praying for some practical steps to take to fix this and the desire to make the effort.

The other thing- my baby is not a text book baby.  (There aren't too many of those, right?)  When Jubilee was in her first few months, I kinda just let her eat whenever and sleep whenever and wherever.  We didn't have much choice because we were sharing spaces and meal times and visiting and wanting to spent time with people.  It worked and it actually felt kinda freeing.  Shortly before returning, I imagined that getting back to La Paz meant routine and control and the ability to mold my baby's nap times and mid-night activities to my desires.  Hmmm.  I didn't realize that coming into the altitude would make her hungrier.  Living at 11,000 ft. does speed up your metabolism.  She had started frequently sleeping 8 or 9 hour stretches at night in the US, but we cut that in half when returning and haven't been able to stretch back out.  Then she got a cold...and another one...that still hasn't gone away.  For many reasons that I won't bore you with- that is keeping her wanting to eat more frequently in the night as well.  So, all my best efforts at "training" her are not working.  Partially because I am not committed.  And partially because I'm not sure what her real needs are.  They seem to change daily, based on how sick she felt that day or sleepy or whatever.  And what mommy has never given in to comparing her baby to another one and wonders why hers can't be "that easy"?  I had to admit that the circumstances in Jubilee's life are not static.  There are other forces at work that make things more challenging from time to time.  And, ultimately, it will get easier and I need to let go of expecting it to happen at the snap of my fingers.  But, I really like control.  A lot.  Maybe God's trying to tell me something here...

So, aside from those downers- Scotty is making great progress on Jubilee's visa.  We go in early tomorrow morning to get her little medical check done and that should be the last major requirement before we can turn everything in.  He's preaching again this Sunday and we'll have good friends over after church who were so pumped that we brought them a crock pot from the US so they want to share the yumminess they've been creating.  I'm finding that weekends have been packed with people lately and are great fun and also very tiring.  In another week or so we'll have an overnight retreat with the elders and their families, which will be a good time to reconnect with everyone and deepen those friendships.  I am thankful tonight for this time to write, to process, to share.

Tweaking.

Just cause they're so cute.

Well, we're almost 3 weeks in and I still feel like the adjustment needs some more tweaking.  Bolivia feels comfortable and familiar- there's not a whole lot there to get used to.  But, my life is looking so much different than it did.  I told a friend the other day that I've been able to get so little done because my house-helper hasn't been here since we've been back.  I know, I know!  It sounds pathetic.  But, I stress again how much longer and more difficult normal, everyday tasks can be to accomplish here.  Plus, it is winter and there are a lot of nasty viruses going around and I just don't want to expose Jubilee to much of that.  She is already on cold #2 since arriving and so I am keeping her mainly in the house.  This brings me to my main beef in this blog.  The whole ministry of mothering is beautiful and wonderful, but I think I'm starting to see the mundaneness it can carry as well.  I had to miss our first SIM team meeting on Friday because Jubilee was starting to get sick and Natty had pink eye.  It was going to be our first time with our beloved team, some of whom I have yet to see.  Scotty went, of course, cause that's something daddies often get to do when mommies are hanging out with sick babies. (Yes, maybe I was whining a bit about this at the moment)  Then, Jubilee's cold turned full blown and so I am inside again, not able to get out even for a walk with the girls.  During the light, not so freezing hours of the day, Jubilee is either sleeping or I am making meals.  There just isn't much time in the morning or afternoon for getting out with them.  I haven't managed to get out of the house early enough to return to lap swimming because Jubilee is having us up quite a bit at night and I'm so tired by the time morning rolls around.  So, I say all this not to sound as complainy as this probably sounds- but just to say that the rose-colored glasses have fallen off.  Being a mommy is awesome and sweet and I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying my daughters.  I just about spontaneously combust when I look at Jubilee (she's a very happy baby).  However, the responsibility limits other things.  Things that I enjoy. Things that I'm used to.  Also, we had our pastor and his wife over last night for a few hours and I was talking with Becky about having little kids and how that affects ministry.  Even though we are well aware of the God-given task of mothering and its priority in our lives, that doesn't make the necessities (great necessities) in the church disappear.  What do we do with those?  It's not fair to just drop them in the laps of other mommies who have older kids.  But, there's only so much we can do...how do you balance it all?

So, I continue to be perplexed and blessed and sometimes nervous.  I fight wanting to sleep and wanting to be buff, and feel like those are sometimes mutually exclusive.  I want to lovingly shepherd my children and protect them, but want to be a part of things where people with cold germs might be.  This all might sound a bit ridiculous and probably is compared to a lot of peoples' problems- but, I wrestle with it because it is my lot right now and the Lord is asking me to honor Him in it.

If you feel like praying, pray for Jubilee's visa.  Scotty is into week #2 of daily visits to all sorts of government offices in order to get the required paperwork.  This is old hat for him, except for a few unique things pertaining to babies, but it is still very time-consuming.  At some point, we have to take her to a large government hospital to get a health-check (no, she can't just go to her own pediatrician), and I'm afraid of even taking her into such a germy place to be handled by a random doctor that maybe didn't wash his or her hands after coming into work that morning (are you seeing a slight paranoia here?).  But, she does need a TB shot, so I suppose we could get that done, too.  Did you know I couldn't find the first place in the US that would give my daughter a TB shot?  So, thanks for praying.  I'll report back with great rejoicing when that's done.

The Ministry of Mommy.

Los Miser dressed for the 4th.

Being on this new journey of mommy to two and being freshly back in this country we call home, but also where we're called to be missionaries, has had me thinking.  I will always feel a sense of responsibility to fulfill the mission God has given us (which seems to be ever changing but always the same- get me?), but I've started seeing life here in a new way in the last few months and especially now that we're back.  Mommies of more than one know what it's like to be pulled in several directions at once and just sit down to get something else done when one or the other needs you.  Although this can seem frustrating some moments, the Lord has been faithful to remind me that "interruptions" are what being a parent are about. The ones who are inhibiting me from being "productive" are the ones that I am here to serve and love and care about as #1 priority during my day.  If nothing else gets done- so be it.  So, besides the normal feeding, rocking, putting to sleep, and intellectually stimulating the baby and reading to, playing pretend with, entertaining, disciplining and teaching the 3 year-old, there are a few other things to do.  Walking up and down the stairs a half dozen times to set my cheapy washing machine to the unique and varied cycles necessary to effectively clean cloth diapers takes a bit of time.  Disinfecting, chopping and preparing vegetables for our new, mostly-vegetarian diet also takes time.  Baking quick breads from scratch so we can have something healthy to snack on has been a big part of each day since we've returned.  That's not to mention things that need to be done outside of the house!  I'm feeling kinda like I do when I have a newborn- unable to imagine doing much more than this....ever again.  Our house has been in disarray since we've returned, which doesn't help my overwhelmed feelings, but I know it will get there.  All that to say, I feel OK with all of this.  Scotty and I have been reading a book called Disciplines of a Godly Family by Kent and Barbara Hughes that has really been challenging us in many ways.  In the intro to this book, they quote Robert Dabney as saying "The education of children (in context of parenting) for God is the most important business done on earth.  It is the one business for which the earth exists.  To it all politics, all war, all literature, all money making ought to be subordinated; and every parent especially ought to feel, every hour of the day, that next to making his own calling and election sure, this is the end for which he is kept alive by God- this is his task on earth."  Whoa!  That's a wonderful and heavy and convicting idea.  I consider that my children are with me for a few short years of their lives before they enter into school, where they spend the majority of their waking hours, and I want to enjoy and maximize every minute.  I don't feel the same drive to prove myself as a missionary in the way that I did before.  Like, being able to list off all the churchy activities I am involved in and sound like I'm staying busy with out-of-the-family ministry.  My husband and children are my ministry and my passion.  If I can love them well and raise my kids to know and love the Lord, while inviting families over to eat and share together (which is really the ministry closest to my heart, besides family)- I will be greatly satisfied and I believe the Lord will be as well.  Of course, with this conviction comes some amount of fear and trembling.  Church leaders and their wives often have very high expectations placed on them.  The real and perceived sets of eyes that are on me always have me feeling like I'm not quite measuring up.  I want to be secure in this call that God has given me and not be afraid to set boundaries that some might think too closed in.  Although I have come to appreciate certain aspects of Bolivian culture, I have not learned to implement some of those in my life.  The way family structure and routine is done here is sometimes very different from what is comfortable to me and I hang precarious in that constant balancing act of wanting to protect myself and my kids, while being culturally sensitive and obliging.  It's easy to say that I will spend the brunt of my time focusing on raising my daughters and imagine that to be in the comfort and privacy of my own home.  But if I'm not doing it with a mind to impacting for God's glory other families around me- I am off base.  So, I am confident in what I want these next few years to look like on a private level, but still wrestle with how this plays out in the local body of Christ.

We're back.

Where do I even start?  So many thoughts have gone through my head in the last 3 days.  The first of those days was mostly survival.  Get the girls through 2 flights, one 9 hour layover in Miami and into the altitude without major melt-downs or passing out from lack of oxygen.  We had one minor melt-down but no passing out!  I can't tell you how thankful I am to our great God for sparing me, Scotty and Jubilee the trauma of turning purple and rushing to the oxygen room while waiting in line at customs.  We were under the impression that a doctor would be waiting at the door of the plane for us at the airport.  Not there.  We thought if we explained our situation to the flight attendant, they would let us off first.  Not gonna happen.  Thankfully, she remained asleep in her car seat even as the lights went on in the cabin, the loud voices started, the cold blast of air came through the exit tunnel and the shuffle through the airport.  She squirmed around, showing Mommy that she was, in fact, breathing.  And her little face stayed nice and pink.  Relief relief relief.  She did well all the way down to the house and only showed minor discomfort in the day and night to make me think she wasn't feeling totally herself.  As a matter of fact, all of us have felt incredibly good so far and I think the many prayers that have been offered on our behalf have been graciously answered by our loving Father.  He is so good.

So, first thoughts about being home.  It is so ridiculously cold in the house.  And it's not even the height of winter yet.  I'm in my Smartwool socks and wool sweater and still maintain goosebumps most of the day.  However, there is a delightful streaming of sunlight in our room in the afternoon that makes it non-goosebumpy and I love it.  To step outside, however, you would think it was a mild fall day.  I knew it was the case, but I'm seeing afresh how the chill dampers my mood a bit.  Other thoughts: our house seems smaller than we remember.  We have more junk than we remember.  Things don't work as well here (clogging toilets, drippy faucets, curtain rod holders falling out of the wall).  I love my bed.  I love  the plants Scotty cares for so well.  We have a lot of stuff.  Our downstairs neighbors really love us.  I love Feli, our house help.  Did I mention we have a lot of stuff?  Thankfully, feeling well and having Feli here today allowed us to unpack all 7 suitcases and put most of that stuff away, as well as bring up a lot of boxes that more stuff was packed into downstairs and get that put away.  We still have to find some things, like my shoes and toys for Jubilee, but it's getting done, and fast!  I seriously thought it would take us weeks to get it all ordered.  And, Scotty drove to our mechanic (2 blocks down the street), immediately picked him up (without prior notice- awesome!) and drove him back to get our car running again.  You know what that means for tomorrow?  Grocery trip.  Yes!  I'm pretty stoked to get our kitchen stocked again and get cookin'.  But, how do I do this (grocery trips) with 2 kids now?  I know women do this all the time with more, but this is new territory for me.  Thankfully, Scotty can stay with one or both this week, but when he's back to work, what do I do??  This is where I feel totally lost as far as starting up life here again- how to do it with 2.

So, we took a jaunt over to the land (our property a block away) this afternoon, which has been totally covered with high, sticky weeds.  I think our kind neighbor came and kept Zion's grave clear- sweet!  I was not prepared for my reaction upon seeing his grave.  It was like seeing a very old, dear friend after a long time, but then realizing that friend was no longer alive.  My heart ached so freshly and the tears came so quickly.  I just stood there, clutching Jubilee and crying as my mind and heart were filled with sadness, grief, questions, longings.  Even as I held my precious daughter, I longed to be holding Zion.  To have him there to complete our family.  It felt so wrong to have him missing.  And I realized again that Jubilee will never know her big brother.  And Natalie only remembers him because we've talked about him since his death.  It was truly a sad moment.  I wanted to ask God again, "Why??".  As we were reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to Natty this evening, we came to the part where the serpent was tempting Eve to eat the forbidden fruit and managed to convince her that God doesn't love her and that she shouldn't trust Him.  This has been the lie from the beginning, hasn't it?  God doesn't really love me.  If God really loved me, how could He let my son die on the mission field?  How deeply woman has let that lie sink into her.  It's not God's will that has brought us to that question of God's love- it's our own sin.  It's failing to trust.  I've been surprised how many tough memories have come back to me in the 2 days we've been here.  This house is wonderful and cozy and home- but to be in it brings feelings of fear, of doubt, of profound sadness, of loss.  I didn't expect that.  I pray that those will be overcome with joy and with trust in the years to come.

Going home.

The last month or so has been oh so busy and I haven't found a lot of time to blog and sometimes I think I haven't found the time to think about what isn't directly in front of me.  We're at Scotty's parents' house now- after a wonderful, relaxing week at the beach.  We have a couple weeks here, one of those shared with Scotty's sister and brother-in-law and their kids, and then we'll do 3 crazy days of packing at my parents before we board the plane home.  We're ready.  In the same way we are always ready after living away for some time.  We start longing to be in our church, in our home, with our Bolivian and ex-pat friends.  We want "normalcy" and our routine and our sacred little family space.  We still have plenty of last minute things to finish.  No matter how hard we try, these things always loom before us in these last days.  It's never quite as chill at the end as we hope for.  But, we'll finish them to the best of our ability.  I feel different going back this time.  Usually, as the day approaches, I start wondering what ministry is supposed to look like this time.  I often feel guilty that I didn't do enough last term or feel the need to have some flashy ministry plan to make me look like a "good" missionary.  This time, I am just excited about going home and doing what I do there.  Taking care of my kids, being a supportive wife, being a good friend to Bolivians and internationals, opening my home and invitng people over for meals or coffee.  It doesn't feel so much like a job this time.  It's just life and I don't need to prove that I'm doing it correctly.  Hopefully this isn't irresponsibility on my part, but an understanding that seeking to do God's will and honor Him with how you live might look different for us than it does for you- but it's the same goal.  So, other than slight apprehension about re-entering the altitude with Jubilee- I am excited to go back.

Oh so busy.

Too much time has escaped again.  Time that has been spent doing stuff and shopping and seeing people and taking care of kids and eating and who knows what.  Sometimes I think God is pulling out my extroversion and sometimes I think I've just forgotten how to be, how to think, how to be still and listen, how to prioritize and even how to pray.  My mental and emotional gears never downshift anymore.  If I'm not doing something, I'm thinking about doing things and worrying about things that need to be done or making a list of what has yet to be done.  We're in our last few weeks of time in the US.  This is always crunch time.  Making plans with the people we didn't manage to see already (of whom there are many).  Making shopping trips between nursing to pick up stuff that I want to take back to Bolivia.  I'm not sure why this stuff never gets bought earlier in the trip.  Partly, you can never guess just how big that ever-changing 3 year old is going to be and what size clothing she'll need for the next few years.  Doctors appointments seem frequent for us all.  And there is a revolving door here at the Pinckneys that leaves the house often full of friends to chat with and cook with and play with.  I love that!  Thank God there is a never ending supply of people who will watch the baby or indulge Natty's needs to play pretend or make food.  And yet, even with the help, I can't seem to find time to stay up with my Bible reading or get quiet with the Lord.  I don't feel like I've had many conversations with Scotty lately, either.  How to I make my mind stop racing??  I even eat like I'm trying to win a speed contest.

One good thing that helped me slow down a bit was a trip we took last week to Virginia to speak at a missions conference at our friend's church.  These are very dear friends with 2 little girls also and it was a joy to spend the week with them.  Of course, with so many little ones and some sleepless nights and colds and a fairly busy church schedule, the time just wasn't as much as I wanted it to be.  But, it was a special break in our time in Charlotte.

Today, for just a few minutes, I was still.  Jen, a good friend of the Pinckneys, was playing hymns at the piano.  It was beautiful.  I took Jubilee and Natty in the room, sat on the couch, snuggled with my girls and soaked it in.  We were all still long enough for me to be moved almost to tears by the worshipful music and the gift of being with my 2 sweet daughters.  Mingled with that, as always, was a sharp and sudden realization that Zion was missing, my 3rd baby.  He will always be felt most in those moments when I am caught up in gratefulness for my living children.  And, mother's day stares me in the face again.  A time of thanking God for the girls and a time of sadness that our son has gone on before us.  It's been a year and a half now.  Sometimes it's hard to believe I haven't held him in that long.  I sometimes think of him when I'm holding or nursing Jubilee but it's almost too painful to try to imagine him in that place.  But, how much more I understand the gift of my children because of him.

The steadfast love of the Lord.

Have I ever mentioned how I love those Psalms where David spends some time cataloging his woes and wondering where God is?  It's nice to know even the man after God's own heart had some moments of complaining.  Do you mind if I take a moment to do that, too?  Sorry my words are probably not divinely inspired quite like David's...

Since we've come to Charlotte, Jubilee has managed to stretch out her night and day feedings just a bit, but she's added in this fun twist of fussing and grunting and making all manner of unhappy noises and crying in between feeds...which has us up at least as much as before.  I think she's starting to have some gas issues that contribute to this.  Well, she had a particularly difficult bout of this on the night that I found out I had mastitis again.  Add to that the fact that she somehow stopped realizing how to use the paci and now slurps and sucks unsuccessfully, gulping in lots of air and dropping it repeatedly from her mouth.  Hence, the gas. And, that seems to have transferred to breast feeding, where she is now struggling to get a good latch a portion of the time.  Thankfully, I think she's still doing well enough to not worry me that she's not getting enough milk but there is definitely more soreness.  Then, yesterday is the cherry on the sundae.  Scotty and I notice she is getting a bit yellow- strange for a baby that is no longer technically a newborn.  We are able to get her in to the doctor where she had a new patient visit scheduled for next week.  They look at her, ask a bunch of questions and take some blood.  That was oh so sad and she temporarily lost her yellow hue for more of a purplish red induced by a heart-wrenching crying jag.  So, I call this morning (3 times) before I manage to finally get an answer about the result (after waiting last night for the promised lab result call) and the nurse nonchalantly mentions that the levels of bilirubin are slightly elevated and the doctor recommends stopping breastfeeding for 48 hours and then reevaluating her next week.  What?!  At this point, my mind is spinning trying to absorb this info and I'm wondering how in the world I'm going to pump for 2 days with my single hand pump which usually pulls out about an ounce, if I'm lucky, and still manage to have enough milk to breastfeed.  I hang up, cry and immediately start looking online.  Oh, that's after I get Scotty into go mode and send him on a hunt for formula and a Radio Shack to try to fix my old electric double pump and get back all within the hour when Jubilee needs to eat next.  Yeah, right.  So, I see online that breastfeeding jaundice is usually not harmful and is best treated by breastfeeding MORE frequently in order to flush out the extra bilirubin.  Rarely, I read, is it helpful to stop breastfeeding unless the levels are really high and they want to bring them down quickly.  And, if you do stop breastfeeding, it's only for 24 hours.  So, then I get on the phone with Shelli, my go-to medical informant and highly skilled encourager/calmer-downer.  Leave message.  Then I call my nurse practitioner friend in Gainesville.  Leave message.  Then I call a woman I don't even know who is a friend of a friend who is a lactation consultant.  I'll need someone to coach me in how to be a better pumper.  She'll call me back.  Then I pray.  Probably should have done that first.  But, I hold Jubilee and pray and try not to freak out and go find Natty who is playing with a little boy that came over and wait for all my peeps to call back.  This is where I'll try to shorten things.  Friends call back and we decide a) don't take the advice of the pediatrician; b) keep nursing and get things checked again next week; and c) find a new pediatrician quickly.  Beth and a sweet friend from church were downstairs when I went to go get Jubilee's bathing bucket after all this had been worked out.  I relayed what had happened, cried, had lots of sympathy and got some prayer.  My emotions had been all over the place this morning and I was incredibly scared about trying to stop breastfeeding and didn't even like the idea of being physically unattached from my baby for that long.  I'm just now, as I type, starting to feel a more full release from this stress.  We have really been through a lot with this little girl in the last 8 weeks!

So, now that I've vented, let's move on.  At the end of those whining Psalms there is always a remembrance of God's goodness, His faithfulness, His steadfast love.  Let's take a look at that in this situation, shall we?  So, the first thing is that I was able to get into a new practice the same day for Baby J to get looked at.  Second, even though I really wanted to know that night what the diagnosis was, if I had received that call, Scotty would have had to go out in the late evening to find formula and I would have spent all night worrying and trying to manually pump something, probably ending in lots of frustration and tears.  Third, I have friends that I trust who are smart, call me back quickly, and actually care about me and my baby.  And, they give great, trustworthy medical advice.  Forth, although maybe first in priority, I have a husband who will drop everything to help me and support me.  Fifth, the bilirubin levels were low enough that I could safely continue to breastfeed and wait until her next appointment to be rechecked.  This is awesome news.  Sixth, I am staying with an amazingly loving family who will hug me and sympathize and another friend happened to be here who held me and prayed and gave me the name of her beloved nurse practitioner/lactation consultant.  Those are just the things I'm aware of.  Oh, yeah- and I was able to call the friend who delivered Jubilee as soon as I realized I was getting mastitis again and have her call in some meds.  So, God shows Himself faithful and present as always and although I am still a little bit weighed down by some latch issues and a little uncertain of what might happen in the next week with Jubilee's jaundice (there's still a small possibility that it could be something more serious that will present itself later)- I am grateful.  And a little bit exhausted.

A new place.

Well, we've landed in Charlotte after a long stay in Gainesville.  I knew once we got here, it would start to feel like the beginning of the end of our time in the US.  We only have 6 weeks here and already the time is moving quickly.  We hope to reconnect with friends and supporters and enjoy our beloved Desiring God Community Church.  Coty and Beth, the pastor and his wife, have graciously welcomed us into their home- feeding us, helping us with baby, playing with Natty and generally loving us in the special way that they do so well.  I am getting inspired again to cook when we return to Bolivia through Beth's delicious and nutritious home-cooked meals.  We love this family!  Natty has had a bit of a rough transition and I think generally is probably feeling similarly to us- a bit tired of transition and not being in our own home with routine.  Well, that's a bit of what I'm feeling, at least.

 Jubilee continues to stump me with her wacky non-schedule and eating needs.  I never quite know what to expect with her!  But, she's getting chunkier and cuter each day and we love that she's joined our family.  I continually waver back and forth between feeling like she should be slipping into some sort of routine and understanding that there's only so much I can do to help when we are in and out and there's another little girl that has needs too.  The books talk about what they are capable of doing at this age and how you can help them, but I find that it doesn't always play out like that in real life and when it doesn't, I feel like I'm somehow doing something wrong.  But, realistically, I just don't have the time or energy to focus 100% on her like I did with Natty.  And, I'm pretty sure her personality is not one that is going to jive with what the books say.  So, I'm trying to remain positive and trust that I'm taking care of her as best as I can and that eventually we will figure things out.  Until then, Scotty continues to be my faithful helper, both with her and Natty.  I'm also feeling a bit of tension because I know that I need to be in the Word every day to combat the occasional overwhelming emotions that pull me away from focusing on Christ.  This is a hard thing to accomplish with all that is going on- but how desperately I need it as I tend to get frustrated with a cranky 3 year old and a baby that is pretty needy.  But, how do you do  it when those 2 people take up most of the day and spare moments are few and far between (and there always seems to be something more "pressing" to do)?  I know well this is the plight of all moms with little ones.  Any advice that doesn't include waking up earlier than I already do?

Well, it seems as though there is a lot more to say and probably something a bit more interesting to relate, but I just don't have the time.  I'll leave you with a sweet picture I took last night after a particularly traumatic feeding when Jubilee wailed and gnashed her teeth/gums, turned her whole body red and almost woke the whole house because she was SO HUNGRY.  This is what she looked like after her meal: 

If you were wondering...

If you were wondering how things were going with Jubilee, I'm taking some time tonight, when I'd normally be trying to sleep, to update the blog.  I'll probably regret it tomorrow, but it's the first time I don't feel absolutely exhausted and this is the only thing I can handle doing right now.  Jubilee is a newborn- truly.  I don't know if it's cause she was born so small or had a 2 week viral set back or I just have wrong expectations, but I thought things would have started to get a tinsy bit easier.  She still eats every 2 hours in the day time and is just now throwing in a few 3 hour stretches at night (along with 2 hours).  I've felt a bit trapped since she got sick because she has not been allowed out, not even outside.  So, the couple of times I have attempted to get out and do something has gone like this.  Nurse the baby while trying to convince her that she needs to hurry and not dawdle because I have places (place) to go.  Change her diaper, including dabbing Maalox onto her tiny bum sores (my babies have very sensitive skin), blowing on it until it is completely dry, repeating that process once or twice depending on how many times she pees or poops while I'm trying to do it, cover the whole thing with rash ointment and then try to nurse some more since I've woken her up with the diaper changing regimen.  Then, hand her off quickly to someone or rope Scotty into dealing with her on and off napping even though he should be working on his seminary course work.  Grab my purse and rush out the door as quickly as possible while driving the speed limit to my destination. Try not to grip the steering wheel too tightly and make a conscious effort to relax my body as I think about how very little time I have to do what I want to do and make it back to nurse again.  The other day, the destination was Plato's Closet.  This was my first time in the store and I didn't know much about it.  It is a thrift store shoppers paradise.  Cute clothes in great condition at great prices in mass quantities.  I almost drove myself crazy trying to try on clothes and find some post-pregnancy stuff to fit into in a half hour time frame.  I was completely overwhelmed and ended up buying about 4 things that I'm taking back.  All this because I'm not a good pumper and can't seem to get much milk, but I've got a Plato's Closet milk stash in the freezer for next time...

Anyway, I left Jubilee with my parents last night for Scotty's 40th birthday dinner.  She did great and we were only gone a couple of hours, so it was fine.  Nice to get that "first" out of the way and AMAZING to get out of the house and do something fun.  I've been thinking about Christian mommy blogs I've read in the last year or so that talk so much about learning to find joy in the little years and finding satisfaction in the calling that God has on us as mommies.  It all sounded great when I had one easy daughter.  Now, I have a newborn and I've found myself in the trenches again and often without a lot of joy or sense of purpose.  Just surviving from one sleepless night to the next and changing an awful lot of diapers.  How does it work?  I've been looking at Jubilee more intentionally lately.  Remembering how desperately we wanted a baby after Zion died.  Remembering how I would have been willing to endure anything to just have him alive with us.  How quickly I get discouraged when this one cries a lot or doesn't want to be put down to nap and I just need to get a shower.  It's tough to remember these lofty but true ideas when you're in the midst of it all.  And, I don't want to get caught in that trap of thinking in just a few more months she'll be easier or more enjoyable.  It's too easy to wish their lives away and before you know it, there's no more snuggly babies.

My in-laws are here until the end of the week, then there's Easter and our first trip to church since Jubilee's been born, then packing and leaving for Charlotte next week!  I'm excited about the transition, looking forward to seeing lots of friends up there, and nervous that it's going to be all a little too much.  Plus, this move signals the beginning of the end of our time in the US and honestly, my heart is not ready to go back to Bolivia yet.  More on that in another post.

Natty, by the way, is doing great and handling her new baby sister pretty well.  It's good that she's had grandparents to give her attention, but I've felt pretty rotten about not being around much for her.  I know that will change and I long to spend more time just playing with her and loving her.  She's an amazing little girl.

So, those are some random thoughts and an update, for what it's worth.  Now, I should turn in and take advantage of the sleeping baby to get some sleep myself.

Oh, what a week!

You wouldn't guess she was so sick here!  She's looked so good, but felt so bad.

Can I just tell you how my emotions have been on a roller coaster this week?  Last Friday, our little peanut started sounding quite congested.  I chalked it up to allergies and normal infant stuff.  But, she was obviously getting worse by the next day, not eating well and sleeping all day.  I called the pediatrician's office and ended up speaking with my neighbor, who is the nurse practitioner there that we see and happens to have a little girl around Natty's age that she plays with from time to time.  How cool of God to line that all up years ahead of time by putting my parent's in this 'hood?  So, I didn't take her in, but Allison told me what to look out for.  Apparently, when wee ones get a cold, it's so much more serious than when older kids or adults get colds.  And, it can be a nasty thing called RSV, which is a more serious virus but completely unpreventable and is cared for in the same way a cold is.  It can also turn into bronchiolitis, which is as scary as it sounds.  So, my heart began turning flip flops as I realized how sick my baby could be and wondered how this happened when I've been so diligent in keeping her inside for the last 3 weeks.  Why why why??  Doesn't God know how hard it is for me to go through anything risky with a baby?  Didn't He just miraculously work all things for good in my body during this pregnancy and allow her to be perfect even though she was early and tiny?  Yes.  But, apparently there is something good in this, too.  So, we wait and watch and watch and wait and I do a fair amount of worrying myself sick.  And praying.  And trying real hard not to be anxious.  The pediatrician is cautious and tells me how it is and how it could be, while hoping for the best.  Several really rough nights go by- nights when we're awake more than asleep and the baby just seems to be inconsolable.  More days go by when I'm weighed down by my concern, punctuated by moments of clarity and faith- when I'm really believing God is going to take care of us.  I can't help but be overwhelmed, again, by the gift of having Allison living down the street.  She stopped by the house to listen to her lungs and count her breaths, several times.  She let me call her on her cell phone any time and even said she'd come down in the middle of the night to check her before we took her to the E.R.- if it came to that.  Amazing.  We've gotten to know the sweet staff at her pediatrician's office well and they know us.  The last two nights, she's seemed to do better.  More sleep, more eating.  But, she also started wheezing a bit last night, which is another indicator that it's becoming harder for her to breathe- a worrisome thing.  This morning she was coughing more and obviously struggling to take a mucus-free breath.  I was worried.  We took her in to have her checked and prayed a lot that God would heal her on the way.  After Allison checked her, she said she sounded better even than she did last night (when she graciously came over to listen)!  I cried from relief.  She told us that she is incredibly impressed and surprised that Jubilee has handled this virus so well.  She said most babies her age and size would have been in the hospital by now.  She doesn't foresee her getting worse at this point, even though she'd still give her through tomorrow to be really watching for respiratory distress.  So, we see again how faithful and kind God is.  He both allowed this sickness into our household (and now half of us have colds!) and has kept it from doing its worst in the body of my tiny daughter.  I know I will continue to struggle with fear until she is all better but I am learning again(why do these lessons never stick??)  how to believe God in all things.  And, when I look on the Desiring God web page yesterday to listen to Pastor Piper's latest sermon- I am not surprised that it's on overcoming your anxiety based on John 14: "Let not your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God; believe also in me."

P.S. This is where I should have cute one-month old pics of little Jubilee, since today is her one-month birthday...  That will have to wait till she's all better and actually awake.

Another day.

On our way out to the butterfly rain forest.

There's a gentle tap of rain drops outside my window tonight.  A brief thunderstorm passed over the house and I had a few minutes to sit out on the back porch and watch the distant lightening light up the sky.  It wasn't completely dark yet- could it have already been past 8 o'clock?  Summer must be coming when the night is that light.  I tried to take a few deep breaths and thank the Lord for all His goodness before going back inside, where I knew Scotty might be waiting for me to take my turn to rock Jubilee and calm her for sleep.  I'm not sure if I totally blocked out Natty's newborn days or if Jubilee is just a bit more difficult.  She seemed harmless enough at first but we are into the third week now and her eating and sleeping haven't improved.  She still gets up about every 2 hours at night and is tough to get back to sleep a good part of the time after that.  Thankfully, she sleeps a good part of the day but nursing is always a challenge as my breast milk has some kind of tranquilizer in it.  I remember that feeling well of wondering if I'll ever be able to do anything else other than take care of the baby.  I remember things getting better, too.  I'm just hoping they do before we make the big move to Charlotte in early April.  I have to give credit to Scotty who always rises to the occasion and takes quite a bit of stress off of me during the night by rocking Jubilee whenever she can't fall back asleep right away.  He's an amazing man and tends to be more patient than me.

I turned 32 on Tuesday.  Really?  I'm still not quite sure I believe it.  I felt blessed that day.  Like I had every reason to be satisfied in the lot that God has given me.  I have a beautiful family and I have a mighty God that loves me and takes care of me.  I missed Zion a lot that day.  My mom cooked me a birthday breakfast and then the rest of the family ate it while I nursed.  Funny how that seems to happen more often than not.  We then went to the butterfly rain forest- more because I would enjoy watching Natty discover the butterflies than for myself.  But, it was a perfect day and all the flowers were in top form.  Baby J slept through it all and I even got in a good nap after we got home.  Scotty and I made a cheese fondue of sorts for dinner and enjoyed a few rare moments of peace and quiet together before we sacked out.  A good day.

Ooooh- it's your birthday!

So, I'll head to bed now and try not to obsess about what the night might look like and how much crying we may be in for and what if she doesn't eat well again.  The morning always comes and there is always more grace and strength for another day.

2 weeks

I can't believe our little baby is 2 weeks old today.  She was due to be C-sectioned yesterday and it was strange to think she had already been with us almost 2 weeks longer than we expected.  I continue to marvel at God's goodness in bringing her to us healthy, despite being a bit earlier than we hoped for.  Really, I marvel at a lot of things these days.  Her birth and life has been such a focus in our family ever since I found out I was pregnant.  The journey was long and I am grateful for each of you who joined us in it through prayer and reading my blog and kind words.  But, that part of the journey is over now.  The waiting, the fight for faith, the doubts, the excitement and anticipation- it's done!  And now we hold in our arms this tiny embodiment of all of that.  Jubilee!  I love to say her name.  It's even more special to me now that it has a face than it was before- even though the meaning of it has been so important.  She's the culmination of things hoped for and the proof that God does love to give His children good gifts.  This isn't to say that Zion's life and death was proof against this.  To enter into that theological conversation is more than I intend for tonight.  However, I do believe that in losing our son, God showed us His perfect love.  And in blessing us with a smooth pregnancy and beautiful, perfect little girl, He also showed us His perfect love.  So, again I feel the depth and the height of the bounty of the Lord in my life and just feel this need to share that with you all who have been such good friends in the last year or so.

So what does life look like with Miss Jubilee?  Very much what I remember the newborn days with Natty being like.  Getting up at night- a lot.  Nursing- A LOT.  Being sleepy but not being sure how much coffee I should drink before it's going to have negative effects on the baby.  Wondering when the days will become predictable.  And, maybe strange for some of you, but common for me- not quite knowing what to do with myself when I do get a spare second.  I feel a lot less stressed than when Natty was a baby.  I don't quite know that I'm doing everything right with feeding and encouraging her to nap- I feel like babies are so hard to read at this age.  But, I'm not freaking out about everything and actually have enough energy to want to do other things- like shop.  But, I'm taking the doctor's recommendation and laying low in the house for about a month to avoid the nasty germs floating around this time of year.  My birthday is next week and I'm trying to think of fun things to do away from crowds to celebrate.  I'm dying to go on a date with my husband, but I'm too lazy to attempt pumping and leaving a bottle.  Plus, it just seems too early to leave the little one yet.  Anyway- that's what's going on in the day to day.  Jubilee looks like quite a serious one, but I'm guessing that's cause she can't smile yet.  She sleeps a ton during the day and has figured out her days and nights but really hates to be laid down awake.  Rocking to sleep is the only way to go (and my amazing husband does that every night in exchange for my time nursing).  She cries little, compared to lots of babies and we'll have to wait and see what else time reveals about her.  Jubilee!!

The birth.

Heading up to the labor ward around midnight.

For several days before Jubilee was born, I had been wondering if I would make it to my pre-scheduled March 12th due date.  My body felt like it was gearing up for birth and although I hoped that it was the sensation some women have for weeks before their babies come, I had a hard time believing I was going to continue on like that for weeks.  As Scotty and I laid down for bed Monday night, he asked if I had the phone numbers I would need for doctors if something happened in the night.  I told him I did, but that I thought things would be fine at least until the morning, at which point I had an appointment already scheduled to see my doctor.  Well, a little before midnight when I got up to use the bathroom, the explosion of my water breaking signaled that we were on our way to meeting our little girl!  I sat in the bathroom, a little shaky, a little nervous, a little excited.  The same thing had happened with Zion- a totally unforeseen, surprising gush of water that left little room for other explanations.  I took a deep breath and called the number where I knew I could ask for a doctor on call and awaited further directions.  We didn't even know exactly how to get to the hospital!  I waited for a bit and finally a female voice picked up and said, "Lisa."  It wasn't a question, it was more of a statement.  "Lisa, this is actually Mags."  Mags!!  Maggie and Joel are friends that we have gotten to know and really enjoy in the small group we started attending at Vineyard.  She's been working for a short time at the hospital where I had planned to deliver and it's been nice to ask all my questions and express my niggling feelings to a friend that happens to also be an OB.  What a happy surprise to hear her voice on the line!  She told me to come in and assured me that my doctor would be notified and he would decide when to come in and do the C-section.  I couldn't help but think of how a friend from church had also been the doctor on call the night Zion was born.  What was God up to here?  We were excited and nervous as we threw our stuff in the car in the middle of the night- the exact scenario I had been praying would not happen.  But, I felt confident that things would turn out well this time.  The hospital was surprisingly busy and we were put in a temporary room, I was checked (only 1 cm dilated) and left to wait until Dr. Duff notified them of his plan.  Mags came back to share the news that he was not available and that she would do the surgery!  Although we were disappointed at first that he would not see the rest of the pregnancy out with us, I could not have wanted anyone other than a friend there and thought it was a fun and sweet little twist that God put on the story.  So, I was prepped and we tried to rest for a few hours while we waited to get into the OR.  My last experience in an OR was not a pleasant one- are they ever, really?  I prayed and prayed to control my nervousness and shaking (I'm sure there's a good reason they keep those places so cold) and felt much better once Scotty came in.  I also felt much better once my legs felt like bricks, as opposed to being able to wiggle my feet around when Zion was born.  That surgery was more painful than it should have been!  I happily distracted myself with Scotty while they cut away, trying not to think about what was happening in front of the green sheet but dying to hear the cry of my baby.  Oh, what a glorious noise!  Scotty told me he heard a faint cry from Zion when he was born, but I was already unconscious and never heard him make a sound.  To hear Jubilee's normal baby cry brought a huge smile to my face and a few sobs as well.  I will never forget that amazing sound.  I couldn't help but laughing and crying at the same time and saw her as soon as she was removed from my womb.  She was a lovely pink, not real big, and perfect.

Fresh out of the womb.

 As always, they whisked her away and all thoughts about anything else dissolved as I thanked God and enjoyed listening to her crying as they checked her out.  Scotty finally came back after a few minutes and I asked if she was doing well and if she had all her fingers and toes (what makes people ask that question, anyway?).  He said, "yeah, she has more than enough!  She has some extras."  What??  No, really- does she have them all?  He says, "she has an extra pinky on each hand!"  What??  Seriously, Scotty!  He assured me that she did in fact have a little extra digit that was not fully formed and didn't include any bone and would be quickly and easily removed a little later.  Weird!  Did she eat her twin?  How does this happen??  We found out later that it is normally a genetic trait that runs in families but there is none of that in either of our families (unless our parents are hiding something from us).  She later had them snipped off and now there is no sign of any sixth digit other than a tiny scab on each finger that is almost healed now.  Craziness.  So, things get wrapped up in the OR and I'm wheeled back to my temporary room and wait impatiently for Scotty to come back.  He comes without the baby, as the nurses had already assured me that in another hour or so I'd be able to see her.  Here, it helps having a friend as the doctor on call.  She pops in and I ask her if I can see Jubilee, at which point she talks to the nurses and escorts Scotty down to the nursery.  He is back shortly wheeling in our little girl!  Oh, she is so incredibly sweet and cuddly and little!  She latches immediately and we have a little nurse before they take us up a few floors to our permanent room upstairs.  The rest is a blur of sweet nurses and staff, interruptions by all manner of hospital people doing their job (including the cheeriest bunch of east European kitchen staff I've ever encountered), less sleep, and getting to know our new baby.  Natty was immediately drawn to her and did lots of happy dancing and singing around the hospital room.  Since then, she hasn't quite known what to do with her, but seems to respond well when I "talk" for Jubilee in a high pitched voice...I suppose she just wants to communicate with her and it's good enough when I do it.  We only had to stay 2 nights and were thrilled to leave with our incredibly healthy little peanut- driving away from the hospital in a fashion so different from that which we experienced with our beloved Zion.  To have it all done, to have reached the end and received the hoped for prize and to have completed this journey of pregnancy is a little surreal.  I can't believe it's over and I'm so glad in many ways that it is.  I've thought back many times over the whole experience- pin-pointing in my mind the details of God's constant faithfulness.  It's overwhelming, really.  It almost seems too good to be true.  I think we would find this a whole lot more with God if we would stop and really think about it.

My kind of morning.

We had one of those mornings that fits somewhere perfectly into a Hallmark greeting card or Sunday night special family movie.  It was in the low '80's and partly sunny with lots of wind and those great big clouds that practically fly by the higher ones that are like stretched out wisps of cotton.  I was busy washing myself or feeding the baby or changing the baby or brushing my teeth or some other endless activity so I asked Natty to ask Daddy to play for a bit.  I felt bad putting her off AGAIN to do something with Jubilee.  Having extra family members constantly around has been an amazing blessing but one that has not helped Natty realize that the world doesn't revolve around her.  Natty wanted to play chalk and in some supernatural lining up of the moon, stars and planets, Scotty and Natty were ready to go out and "do chalk" when Jubilee was fed and sleeping.  So, we all trucked outside with J in her car seat (we need a bouncy seat or something!) and started to play.  Scotty took his shirt off, which made Natty take her shirt off, which made me take my shirt off.

Don't worry, I had a sad looking, white nursing top with breast milk stains on it underneath.  I looked around to make sure that no neighbors were close enough to notice the stains, even though you couldn't miss my 5 month pregnant belly that was only cute when there was a baby in there.  Natty started running around in circles screaming "I'm naked!" and then her and Scotty continued to run wildly around the back yard.  My parents live on about an acre, but part of that land is a shared space with a bunch of other neighbors- a retention pond that rarely fills up.  It makes an awesome green space for running, hitting golf balls, flying kites and being an outdoor stage for the Miser antics.  I'm sure we were breaking any number of HOA rules and other PC code of conduct by letting our 3 year old run around topless.  I didn't care at the moment.  The clouds were rolling by, the wind was blowing, my newborn was sleeping peacefully in her car seat and my amazing husband was taking time to be with his family.  I couldn't help but think about Zion.  I knew there would be a mix of emotions and memories as we welcomed this new member into our family and it has happened here and there and usually when I don't expect it.  This morning I was very aware of his absence and as I spend time snuggling with, smelling, nursing and caring for a precious baby daughter, I am too aware of missing out on all that with my son.  Mixed with the pain is a constant realization that he is even more content than I could ever make Jubilee or him in my arms, but I still miss him.  But, as I watched my funny little girl and my sweet little newborn this morning, I was reminded to be thankful.  And, when I heard Natty cooing to Scotty as he put her down for a nap, "I love my family!", I know it is all worth it.

New baby.

Well, I'll blog about Jubilee's actual birth experience next time.  My time is limited, but instead of taking a nap, I'll give some fun details about how things are going.  Jubilee is so very sweet and tiny.  No one has been at all concerned about her weight (5lbs.15oz), she had 9 out of 10 for her Apgar scores, she has been deemed very healthy in her subsequent pediatric reviews and her color is great!  However, it's still a little disconcerting to me that she is so small.  And, like all newbies, she's lost a couple ounces.  Today, I also found out she is tongue-tied.  This means the piece of skin that holds her tongue to the floor of her mouth is short (although not terribly) and keeps her tongue from jutting out like it should.  The doctor wasn't concerned initially and said we could just keep an eye on it to see if it would inhibit breastfeeding at all.  We were happy with that, as I felt she was latching perfectly fine.  Then, a lactation consultant came by and watched her nurse and commented that she wasn't latching as well as she could and mentioned monitoring her weight gain.  Well, any potential for not gaining weight or having breast feeding issues in my mind was not an option.  So, we were able to catch the pediatrician from this morning, discuss it with him and he agreed to go snip this little piece of skin that would loosen her tongue.  It took about 10 mins and she was back in our arms, totally calm and not bleeding at all!  How snipping something inside your mouth could not hurt is beyond me, but she was nursing again in no time!  So, hopefully she'll figure out how to use that tongue right and we can move on.  She spent most of yesterday asleep, but we got a taste for her cry last night as she kept us up most of the night trying to entice us to play instead of sleep.  I should have known, since evening was always the time she was most active in utero.  We weren't totally unprepared for this possibility, but it is exhausting.  After denying the heavier drugs this morning out of some desire to not give in if not necessary, I realized how necessary it was to not be in so much pain and took a couple pills.  That gave me and baby J a chance to nap together and the world seemed like a better, calmer place after that.  And, I had a Krispy Kreme donut...almost as good as the drugs.  And (I'm a bit out of order here, but my brain is not fully functioning yet), weird of all weird- we called the nurse in for help yesterday and next thing we know, there is a kiwi accent at our door saying, "Did someone call for a nurse?"  And who does it turn out to be but an old SIM colleague who lived in the same region as us in Bolivia!  Her and her husband left the field in 2009 and we weren't sure what had become of them.  Having her walk into our hospital room was a huge and fun surprise and we were able to catch up with them and her hear all the latest from SIM Bolivia.  Crazy!  God has had some wacky things planned for us in all this...

So, those are the highlights so far.  Natty is pretty enthralled with "Baby Jubilee" and loves to touch her skin and say, "Soft, huh??" and kiss her on the head.  I'm not quite sure what to expect when we get home with her and I'm wanting/trying to play with Natty and help our new one learn how to sleep and get on a schedule of sorts.  We are incredibly grateful that our prayers for health have been answered and will continue to trust that she will stay well and grow into the big baby we were hoping for.  God has been so merciful and we can't wait to get to know our daughter more!

The end is near.

Today has been the epitome of dreary.  I woke up from restless sleep and found it to be grey and rainy outside.  The two trees in the front yard that we look at each morning from out bedroom window are completely leafless, not so common in North Florida where we enjoy mostly evergreen varieties that look happy all year round.  If I didn't know better, I'd think it could snow.  I decided to stay home from church this morning in order to give my body a rest.  Yesterday, I overdid my activity level and spent the majority of the day out- walking, standing, getting up and down numerous times.  It was a good day spent with my family and Scotty and I finished it out amazed at the sweetness of our little Natalie.  She's by no means perfect, as we parents know all too well, but I am daily grateful for her ability to maintain a good attitude and be a pleasure to be around in situations that some kids would not endure patiently.  She has this ability to make fun for herself- as long as we are out of the house.  In the house, she wants you to entertain and interact with her all day, every day.  When we go out shopping, she skips around the store pointing out shiny belts and pretty dresses and cooing over clothes like a teenager on a shopping spree- "OOohh!  Look at this pretty shirt Mommy!  Isn't it beautiful?"  Yesterday, as a friend took some last minute belly shots at a lovely outdoor venue in Gainesville, she ran around picking us flowers and looking for ants and generally having the time of her life while we posed and smiled and mostly ignored her when she wasn't a part of the shot.  I have to admit that the relative ease of having a child of this calm temperament and at an age where she can do most things for herself without needing my constant involvement is really nice.  I feel spoiled, even.  Then, I think about the days to come.  Starting over again from scratch with a newborn who will need me day and night and depend on me for food, comfort and even to help her sleep.  Part of me looks forward with great expectation to having such a little one again.  Part of me is a little fearful!  I think the problem is that I recognize my own selfishness and the great enjoyment of having my own time and not having to be bothered so often by tending to other people.  And yet, I believe so strongly in a woman's natural role and inclination to be a mother- including completely dying to self and putting the needs of others before ones' own.  Isn't this a mandate for all of us who are children of God?  But, seriously- who's really mastered that with no remaining struggle??

I'm also finding it harder as the due date approaches to not stir up anxiety in my heart.  I've been trying to figure out why it's actually increasingly difficult to be at peace now that I am technically full term than it was before this.  I know that I want with all my heart to make it to March 12th so that I and my family can play this whole thing out just as we expect it to.  I'm pretty sure there is still some baggage within me and terribly negative associations that come along with labor and delivery happening before the expected time.  And yet, I know that when it happens, it will not surprise the Lord who ordains all events and controls our days.  But, there's a pretty huge resistance in my mind when I think of stuff getting started earlier than it "should".  And lately, I have certainly noticed more and more signs that the end is near.  The last thing I wanted was to spend the last bit of my pregnancy weighed down by worry.  I feel like I'm in that situation where people tell you to enjoy something to the fullest (usually something that you know you will not experience again), but you're just not sure how or what that means.  I am more grateful to God than I can remember ever being for the time and experiences He's already given us and I just want to end with that same feeling of gratitude and not slip back into that daily battle of whether or not I can really trust Him.

Just some thoughts in these last days.  Although there are some tough things going on in my heart, I am so ready to meet Jubilee, to have her in our arms, to take care of her and experience this new season for our family.  God has brought much healing and so much joy through this new life.  I am thankful for her.

God provides

I know as Christians, we are aware of the scripture that promises that God will provide for us and we've probably thrown it out there to friends in need without necessarily even believing it ourselves.  But have you ever had one of those seasons or even moments where it just becomes so real to you- when you see the hand of God specifically meeting a need in your life?  This whole time back in the states has been proof after proof of God showing Himself faithful to us and providing in ways that are generous in only a way that God can be generous.  For me, His provision hasn't necessarily been to meet needs that couldn't have been met otherwise, but going above and beyond meeting our needs in order to show me that He cares for me and really does want me to experience good after wrestling with a lot of what felt to be bad.  Today is a prime example.  My gracious aunt had donated a car seat and stroller system to us to use for Jubilee and we went down to get the car seat checked out by the Shands Safe Kids program (totally a worthwhile, free program).  The lady who checked it out immediately noticed that it was 13 years old and said she could not be liable for installing a seat that is 7 years expired.  We totally understood and wouldn't want to use a seat that could be potentially dangerous, but were bummed that we'd have to buy a new seat just for the few months we'll have left in the US.  However, before the morning was over, we had someone give us a brand new seat!  God pretty much immediately provided that particular gift for us, even though we could have afforded to buy one if that was what we needed to do.  How awesome is that??  And, this was coming on a day where I was starting to feel nervous again about the pregnancy- a bit of concern over some aches and pains and pressures I had been feeling since yesterday.  I felt like the car seat gift was not just to meet that need but to also remind me not to worry- He has it all under control and it's going to be good.  It's a shame to me that I feel a bit corny writing it out this way, because it sounds a bit like a Sunday school lesson I probably heard a million times growing up.  But truly, the greatness and generosity of God has become so much realer to me in the last year or so than ever before in my life.  I love that God has used Zion's life to reach me in this way.

Scotty's coming home!

Chalking up the tree in the front yard.

I just talked with Scotty in the Toledo airport and am pumped that his road trip has come to a close.  It's been an incredible 2 1/2 weeks for him- reuniting with old friends, supporters and family members.  The Desiring God pastor's conference was a great time of encouragement and personal challenge for him and a special time of sharing this world with our good friend and Bolivian pastor, Edgar.  I know Scotty got a kick out of showing him some of his favorite Minneapolis haunts, as well as introducing him to special people that have been praying for our ministry and for Edgar and his family for years.  I wish I could have been there to see Edgar piling up his Target cart with all sorts of stuff that is nicer quality and cheaper here in the U.S.- I kind of have this mental image of that old game show "Supermarket Sweep" (I might be the only nerd that really liked that show) where people are racing around the aisles of the grocery store trying to buy as much expensive stuff as possible in order to win.  Anyway, I just keep thinking how gracious God continues to be in every aspect of this time in the states and how smoothly things lined up for him as he hopped around 4 states and back.

While he was away, he got some positive feedback about the blog that he shared with me.  I've been especially aware since our experience with Zion that there are people out there (you know who you are) who read and even follow the blog that I have never met or spoken with.  I suppose everyone likes a peek into the private world of another person who has dealt with struggles very much like their own.  Part of why I write this blog is because of a strong conviction that Christians need to be real and transparent with one another- and the world at large.  I firmly believe that God can handle our occasional doubts, questions, fears, irrationalities and general quirks.  I think He receives a lot of glory from those things being worked out as He sheds light into the dark places where we sometimes walk.  I hope that's what's happening here from time to time.  Maybe I've mentioned it before- but it gives me pause to realize that there is an audience larger than what I once realized before me.  I've been thankful to know that God has used the blog to encourage others who are struggling, but freak out just a little on the inside to think that maybe I'm supposed to be writing this deep and completely interesting material or people will wander away.  Lots of times, the blog is just a simple "here's what I've been up to" for those who really know me and care.  So, I suppose I'm just thinking aloud again (however loud the world wide web is) about this thing called Scotty and Lisa's big fat blog (can you tell we put a lot of thought into the name when we first started?) and what its purpose is.  Take from it what you will.

I'm 5 weeks from J-day- Jubilee's birthday.  5 weeks!  Did this pregnancy go by already?  Thinking back over the last 34 weeks sets off an explosion of thoughts in my mind like little pieces of confetti that have words on them and are laying around on the floor waiting to put into some comprehensible order.  Does that make sense at all?  My mind often tries to compare the thoughts I had at the beginning of the pregnancy of what it might look like with thoughts on this end of what actually happened and it all becomes a crazy mess of thoughts and emotions.  What continues to be outstanding is God's amazing grace through it all.  It sounds trite to say it- but I can't deny that it's true.  I didn't dare to even think or dream that things could have worked out as well as they have.  And even now, as I get big and round and sore with the growing baby in my womb, I still struggle to think it's all going to work out just right.  Every tightening of the belly brings a slight twinge of worry.  Am I going into premature labor again?  Should I be timing this?  Has this been happening a lot today without me noticing?  Would it be bad if it did?  Women are champion worriers.  God tells us real clearly not to do this.  I'm trying real hard to change this innate tendency and rest in His goodness.  And, I'm also trying to get myself motivated to get things in order before out daughter comes.  I need to borrow some clothes and baby equipment, wash little outfits and fill out hospital paperwork.  I probably should go ahead and order the cloth diapers we're going to use, even though it might be a few months after she's born before we launch into them.  I'm getting quite excited to meet our little girl- I already feel like she's part of the family!

Looking back and challenged by today

Before we left Bolivia, one of our dear teammates gave us a beautifully bound wooden book with a pink butterfly tile mounted on the front and brown paper pages.  I decided rather quickly that I wanted to make it into a baby book for Jubilee.  I'm somewhat artistic and love to write, but I'm not much for scrap booking.  I don't have the patience or creativity to cut out paper with special scissors or come up with fun captions and such.  So, I'm thinking I'll try to do more of a baby journal, with pics and some of the normal baby books things like "firsts" and birth facts and the like.  Scotty is out of town for a few weeks and I find myself with time on my hands in the evening.  I'm finding these nights to be very productive, whether it's catching up with reading, calling friends, or just working a little on projects that I've thought about but haven't made any progress on.  Tonight, I finally typed out some ideas of stuff I want to write in Jubilee's book and it's been a good mental walk through of the last 7 months and reminder of how God has graciously worked in my life in that time.  It seems like eons ago that I found out I was pregnant.  I think anything pertaining to our life in Bolivia just feels like it was long ago because we are in such a different world here.  Thankfully, bed rest seems like it was a long time ago and I actually don't look back with any sort of bitterness because God blessed me so greatly during that time.  I saw a whole new depth of sacrificial love coming from my husband, a new sense of community through the families who reached out to us in the neighborhood, made some precious memories with my compassionate little 3 year old who loved just to sit by me and be together, and generally felt so insanely well-cared for that I have no complaints that are worth voicing.  I also wrote a bit about God's divine intervention in my fear-clouded mind at the beginning of the pregnancy and the way that He powerfully pulled me from that dark place to a place of resting in Him and His ability to wholly care for us.  I haven't even gotten to the part where we arrive in the states and might need to reserve a whole chapter for the awesome ways that God has worked things out for this home assignment.  Wow!  I struggle(d) so much after Zion died with thinking that God could only reveal deep things about Himself in my life through suffering, but I get the feeling He's proving me wrong on that one and going crazy to show me how much He delights in blessing me.  It is good and so undeserved.

I'm loving that this time is allowing me to slow down and take deep breaths.  Yoga videos especially help with that.  Seriously though, it is hard even when you don't have a lot of responsibility and there are 2 extra family members to help occupy the time of your one child, to slow down and be at rest.  Truly there are an infinite number of ways to fill your time, stay "busy", make unnecessary things necessary, and generally move yourself quickly through life without doing a whole lot of worthwhile things or taking time to see God.  I've even found myself less involved with Natty these days because she is so entertained by my parents and I have other things I "need" to be doing.  I'm starting to realize how little time is left before a new baby will be on the scene and I won't be able to hang out with Natty as much as I might like.  I want to carve out special time for the two of us, especially while Scotty is out of town.  I also want to take more time to pray.  For those of you who think (and I'm so one of you) that if you just had more time to pray, you would do it more often...I bet it wouldn't be as easy as you think.  I have enjoyed consistent Bible reading and prayer with my coffee in the morning, but how awesome would it be to take even more time- by myself and with my husband??  I'm going to work on this while Scotty is gone, too.  And, I want to remember what I learned while on bed rest- sometimes not doing anything is the best thing you can do!  I felt so justified in just sitting around the house all day with my daughter because I knew it was what I had to do to take care of myself and my unborn child.  So, I delighted in snuggling on the couch with Natty and playing toddler computer games.  I loved just hanging out with a mom from church and talking about everything and nothing.  Natty and I would sit on her bedside and stare out the window and play "I spy".  All of these things were more enjoyable when there was nothing else that could take me away from doing them- I wasn't allowed to do anything else.  But here, now that I am free, everything else vies for my time and attention.  Have we been to the library recently?  Or had a play date?  Or gone shopping?  Or any number of other things that concern only me?  It's hard for me just to sit down with my daughter and play uninterruptedly for much time at all before my mind starts wandering to how we can "maximize" our time in the states.

Anyway, I digress.  Doctor's appointment in the morning.  The first of my weekly visits until the end.  Believing all will be well!

Donuts and gators

So we had a family afternoon today and decided to start out the activities with a trip to Krispy Kreme.  Next to birthday cake, this is probably my favorite sweet treat.  I always have the same experience when I eat a KK donut.  First, is the heavenly flavor that just doesn't compare to anything else in the world.  The donut always disappears too fast and before I know it, my hands are empty and my belly is feeling sugary and in need of some kind of protein to balance the extremeness.  Then, the doubt sets in.  Should I have gotten the plain, classic, glazed?  What about the raspberry filled?  Did I justify consuming these calories and artificial ingredients with the perfect snacking experience?  Did my hips just expand by 5lbs.??  I usually get over that line of thought quickly enough, but it always pops up and darkens my KK experience just a little.  Today, the three of us sat at an old-fashioned counter happily munching our donuts, sipping milk and trying to get a glimpse of donut-making action in the back factory.  Natty always goes for sprinkles and did a much better job of nursing hers along to "rest" in between bites.  We reminded her that as soon as she finished, we would head over to the lake on campus to look for alligators.  We wrapped it up and drove to my alma mater- a beautiful, Florida campus filled with brick buildings and big oak trees and thin, tan girls running in short shorts.  Today was the perfect winter day- blue skies empty of clouds and cool enough to warrant a long-sleeved shirt.

 Scotty dropped me and Natty off by the lake and we sat down on a park bench to wait for him to park and to scope out potential alligator spots.  I think that I've never not seen a gator when walking around this lake, but today we were out of luck.  We enjoyed throwing things in the water to attract fish, walking the dirt paths, scuffling in the dead leaves, calling the gators and snapping photos.  This kind of day is what I dreamed of while sitting on my tush in La Paz, hoping that I could participate in these types of activities with Natty and Scotty.  Scotty and I reminisced about the day we went to the lake and had a friend take engagement pictures of us shortly before we were married.  It felt a little odd to be walking on the same campus, 10 years after graduating (no way!) as a young, naive girl to current day me with my husband, daughter and baby-to-be.  But, it was just the kind of thing we love to do and as much of a bummer as it was to not see any gators, it sure was another fulfillment of so many hopes and dreams I had before coming back.