Scotty and Lisa's big fat blog

God provides

2012-02-20T12:39:00.002-04:00

I know as Christians, we are aware of the scripture that promises that God will provide for us and we've probably thrown it out there to friends in need without necessarily even believing it ourselves. But have you ever had one of those seasons or even moments where it just becomes so real to you- when you see the hand of God specifically meeting a need in your life? This whole time back in the states has been proof after proof of God showing Himself faithful to us and providing in ways that are generous in only a way that God can be generous. For me, His provision hasn't necessarily been to meet needs that couldn't have been met otherwise, but going above and beyond meeting our needs in order to show me that He cares for me and really does want me to experience good after wrestling with a lot of what felt to be bad. Today is a prime example. My gracious aunt had donated a car seat and stroller system to us to use for Jubilee and we went down to get the car seat checked out by the Shands Safe Kids program (totally a worthwhile, free program). The lady who checked it out immediately noticed that it was 13 years old and said she could not be liable for installing a seat that is 7 years expired. We totally understood and wouldn't want to use a seat that could be potentially dangerous, but were bummed that we'd have to buy a new seat just for the few months we'll have left in the US. However, before the morning was over, we had someone give us a brand new seat! God pretty much immediately provided that particular gift for us, even though we could have afforded to buy one if that was what we needed to do. How awesome is that?? And, this was coming on a day where I was starting to feel nervous again about the pregnancy- a bit of concern over some aches and pains and pressures I had been feeling since yesterday. I felt like the car seat gift was not just to meet that need but to also remind me not to worry- He has it all under control and it's going to be good. It's a shame to me that I feel a bit corny writing it out this way, because it sounds a bit like a Sunday school lesson I probably heard a million times growing up. But truly, the greatness and generosity of God has become so much realer to me in the last year or so than ever before in my life. I love that God has used Zion's life to reach me in this way.

Scotty's coming home!

2012-02-06T17:38:00.002-04:00

Chalking up the tree in the front yard.

I just talked with Scotty in the Toledo airport and am pumped that his road trip has come to a close. It's been an incredible 2 1/2 weeks for him- reuniting with old friends, supporters and family members. The Desiring God pastor's conference was a great time of encouragement and personal challenge for him and a special time of sharing this world with our good friend and Bolivian pastor, Edgar. I know Scotty got a kick out of showing him some of his favorite Minneapolis haunts, as well as introducing him to special people that have been praying for our ministry and for Edgar and his family for years. I wish I could have been there to see Edgar piling up his Target cart with all sorts of stuff that is nicer quality and cheaper here in the U.S.- I kind of have this mental image of that old game show "Supermarket Sweep" (I might be the only nerd that really liked that show) where people are racing around the aisles of the grocery store trying to buy as much expensive stuff as possible in order to win. Anyway, I just keep thinking how gracious God continues to be in every aspect of this time in the states and how smoothly things lined up for him as he hopped around 4 states and back.

While he was away, he got some positive feedback about the blog that he shared with me. I've been especially aware since our experience with Zion that there are people out there (you know who you are) who read and even follow the blog that I have never met or spoken with. I suppose everyone likes a peek into the private world of another person who has dealt with struggles very much like their own. Part of why I write this blog is because of a strong conviction that Christians need to be real and transparent with one another- and the world at large. I firmly believe that God can handle our occasional doubts, questions, fears, irrationalities and general quirks. I think He receives a lot of glory from those things being worked out as He sheds light into the dark places where we sometimes walk. I hope that's what's happening here from time to time. Maybe I've mentioned it before- but it gives me pause to realize that there is an audience larger than what I once realized before me. I've been thankful to know that God has used the blog to encourage others who are struggling, but freak out just a little on the inside to think that maybe I'm supposed to be writing this deep and completely interesting material or people will wander away. Lots of times, the blog is just a simple "here's what I've been up to" for those who really know me and care. So, I suppose I'm just thinking aloud again (however loud the world wide web is) about this thing called Scotty and Lisa's big fat blog (can you tell we put a lot of thought into the name when we first started?) and what its purpose is. Take from it what you will.

I'm 5 weeks from J-day- Jubilee's birthday. 5 weeks! Did this pregnancy go by already? Thinking back over the last 34 weeks sets off an explosion of thoughts in my mind like little pieces of confetti that have words on them and are laying around on the floor waiting to put into some comprehensible order. Does that make sense at all? My mind often tries to compare the thoughts I had at the beginning of the pregnancy of what it might look like with thoughts on this end of what actually happened and it all becomes a crazy mess of thoughts and emotions. What continues to be outstanding is God's amazing grace through it all. It sounds trite to say it- but I can't deny that it's true. I didn't dare to even think or dream that things could have worked out as well as they have. And even now, as I get big and round and sore with the growing baby in my womb, I still struggle to think it's all going to work out just right. Every tightening of the belly brings a slight twinge of worry. Am I going into premature labor again? Should I be timing this? Has this been happening a lot today without me noticing? Would it be bad if it did? Women are champion worriers. God tells us real clearly not to do this. I'm trying real hard to change this innate tendency and rest in His goodness. And, I'm also trying to get myself motivated to get things in order before out daughter comes. I need to borrow some clothes and baby equipment, wash little outfits and fill out hospital paperwork. I probably should go ahead and order the cloth diapers we're going to use, even though it might be a few months after she's born before we launch into them. I'm getting quite excited to meet our little girl- I already feel like she's part of the family!

Looking back and challenged by today

2012-01-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

Before we left Bolivia, one of our dear teammates gave us a beautifully bound wooden book with a pink butterfly tile mounted on the front and brown paper pages. I decided rather quickly that I wanted to make it into a baby book for Jubilee. I'm somewhat artistic and love to write, but I'm not much for scrap booking. I don't have the patience or creativity to cut out paper with special scissors or come up with fun captions and such. So, I'm thinking I'll try to do more of a baby journal, with pics and some of the normal baby books things like "firsts" and birth facts and the like. Scotty is out of town for a few weeks and I find myself with time on my hands in the evening. I'm finding these nights to be very productive, whether it's catching up with reading, calling friends, or just working a little on projects that I've thought about but haven't made any progress on. Tonight, I finally typed out some ideas of stuff I want to write in Jubilee's book and it's been a good mental walk through of the last 7 months and reminder of how God has graciously worked in my life in that time. It seems like eons ago that I found out I was pregnant. I think anything pertaining to our life in Bolivia just feels like it was long ago because we are in such a different world here. Thankfully, bed rest seems like it was a long time ago and I actually don't look back with any sort of bitterness because God blessed me so greatly during that time. I saw a whole new depth of sacrificial love coming from my husband, a new sense of community through the families who reached out to us in the neighborhood, made some precious memories with my compassionate little 3 year old who loved just to sit by me and be together, and generally felt so insanely well-cared for that I have no complaints that are worth voicing. I also wrote a bit about God's divine intervention in my fear-clouded mind at the beginning of the pregnancy and the way that He powerfully pulled me from that dark place to a place of resting in Him and His ability to wholly care for us. I haven't even gotten to the part where we arrive in the states and might need to reserve a whole chapter for the awesome ways that God has worked things out for this home assignment. Wow! I struggle(d) so much after Zion died with thinking that God could only reveal deep things about Himself in my life through suffering, but I get the feeling He's proving me wrong on that one and going crazy to show me how much He delights in blessing me. It is good and so undeserved.

I'm loving that this time is allowing me to slow down and take deep breaths. Yoga videos especially help with that. Seriously though, it is hard even when you don't have a lot of responsibility and there are 2 extra family members to help occupy the time of your one child, to slow down and be at rest. Truly there are an infinite number of ways to fill your time, stay "busy", make unnecessary things necessary, and generally move yourself quickly through life without doing a whole lot of worthwhile things or taking time to see God. I've even found myself less involved with Natty these days because she is so entertained by my parents and I have other things I "need" to be doing. I'm starting to realize how little time is left before a new baby will be on the scene and I won't be able to hang out with Natty as much as I might like. I want to carve out special time for the two of us, especially while Scotty is out of town. I also want to take more time to pray. For those of you who think (and I'm so one of you) that if you just had more time to pray, you would do it more often...I bet it wouldn't be as easy as you think. I have enjoyed consistent Bible reading and prayer with my coffee in the morning, but how awesome would it be to take even more time- by myself and with my husband?? I'm going to work on this while Scotty is gone, too. And, I want to remember what I learned while on bed rest- sometimes not doing anything is the best thing you can do! I felt so justified in just sitting around the house all day with my daughter because I knew it was what I had to do to take care of myself and my unborn child. So, I delighted in snuggling on the couch with Natty and playing toddler computer games. I loved just hanging out with a mom from church and talking about everything and nothing. Natty and I would sit on her bedside and stare out the window and play "I spy". All of these things were more enjoyable when there was nothing else that could take me away from doing them- I wasn't allowed to do anything else. But here, now that I am free, everything else vies for my time and attention. Have we been to the library recently? Or had a play date? Or gone shopping? Or any number of other things that concern only me? It's hard for me just to sit down with my daughter and play uninterruptedly for much time at all before my mind starts wandering to how we can "maximize" our time in the states.

Anyway, I digress. Doctor's appointment in the morning. The first of my weekly visits until the end. Believing all will be well!

Donuts and gators

2012-01-19T22:13:00.000-04:00

So we had a family afternoon today and decided to start out the activities with a trip to Krispy Kreme. Next to birthday cake, this is probably my favorite sweet treat. I always have the same experience when I eat a KK donut. First, is the heavenly flavor that just doesn't compare to anything else in the world. The donut always disappears too fast and before I know it, my hands are empty and my belly is feeling sugary and in need of some kind of protein to balance the extremeness. Then, the doubt sets in. Should I have gotten the plain, classic, glazed? What about the raspberry filled? Did I justify consuming these calories and artificial ingredients with the perfect snacking experience? Did my hips just expand by 5lbs.?? I usually get over that line of thought quickly enough, but it always pops up and darkens my KK experience just a little. Today, the three of us sat at an old-fashioned counter happily munching our donuts, sipping milk and trying to get a glimpse of donut-making action in the back factory. Natty always goes for sprinkles and did a much better job of nursing hers along to "rest" in between bites. We reminded her that as soon as she finished, we would head over to the lake on campus to look for alligators. We wrapped it up and drove to my alma mater- a beautiful, Florida campus filled with brick buildings and big oak trees and thin, tan girls running in short shorts. Today was the perfect winter day- blue skies empty of clouds and cool enough to warrant a long-sleeved shirt.

Scotty dropped me and Natty off by the lake and we sat down on a park bench to wait for him to park and to scope out potential alligator spots. I think that I've never not seen a gator when walking around this lake, but today we were out of luck. We enjoyed throwing things in the water to attract fish, walking the dirt paths, scuffling in the dead leaves, calling the gators and snapping photos. This kind of day is what I dreamed of while sitting on my tush in La Paz, hoping that I could participate in these types of activities with Natty and Scotty. Scotty and I reminisced about the day we went to the lake and had a friend take engagement pictures of us shortly before we were married. It felt a little odd to be walking on the same campus, 10 years after graduating (no way!) as a young, naive girl to current day me with my husband, daughter and baby-to-be. But, it was just the kind of thing we love to do and as much of a bummer as it was to not see any gators, it sure was another fulfillment of so many hopes and dreams I had before coming back.

I am an introvert.

2012-01-16T16:14:00.000-04:00

It's gorgeous weather today- perfect blue skies and temps in the high 60s. There are few leaves on the trees right outside my bedroom window, which makes it look more wintry than it really feels. I'm trying to finish up my book about introverts in the church and decide if I agree completely with everything the author believes about how introverts should think and respond to the practices of mainstream, American evangelical churches. I have wrestled all my life with my tendencies toward being solitary and independent, because it is easiest and most comfortable to me, in the context of Christian community. I know that it is healthy to push myself a bit in these areas and be an active part of the bigger picture. The challenge is figuring out how much a part of that picture I "should" incorporate into my daily life and walk with the Lord and how much to accept the personality that God has given me and work within the introverted mindset, knowing that we all make up the different parts of the body of Christ. This book has definitely given me some ideas to chew on, but I feel like I've been led to believe for so long that an extrovert fits into the church more easily, that I don't know if I'm sorting through these issues with that stuck in the back of my mind or if I'm uncomfortable with some of the author's theories because they don't strike me as particularly Biblical. It's all a bit muddled at the moment... One thing that rang very true to me was a list of introvert attributes, most of which I resonate completely with. I'll list those here:

1. Prefer to relax alone or with a few close friends
2. Consider only deep relationships as friends
3. Need rest after outside activities, even ones we enjoy
4. Often listen but talk a lot about topics of importance to us
5. Appear calm, self-contained and like to observe (notice the word "appear"- things aren't always inside as they seem on the outside)
6. Tend to think before we speak or act
7. May prefer a quiet atmosphere
8. Experience our minds going blank in groups or under pressure (yes yes yes!)
9. Don't like feeling rushed
10. Have great powers of concentration
11. Are territorial- desire private space and time
12. May treat their homes as their sanctuaries
13. May prefer written communication (hence, the blog)
14. Do not share private thoughts with many people. Scotty found this one particularly amusing as my blog has led me to share very private thoughts with lots of people. But, the benefit of writing for an introvert is that I don't have to tell any of you these things face to face, which would be much harder for me.

Can you see how many of these might make being a missionary very challenging?? There are certain expectations of having the right answers in the moment, always being available for people, having an "open-door" policy at your home, leading Bible studies, etc... that don't come at all naturally for me. I have realized more and more that my struggles relate to being an introvert, but for a long time, I just thought I was a selfish person. Ok, well, I really am, but it's not just that. It's good that the author leads you through some practical steps to determining what you might need to incorporate into your life as an introvert to be able to find the refreshment and times of reflection that fill you up for continued ministry. Scotty has done a good job helping me do that and trying to protect me from too much activity, even when I know he doesn't understand my hesitance.

Well, I could go on, but I wasn't even planning on blogging on this subject to such depth today. :) I'll save other thoughts for another day.

Scars.

2012-01-01T16:08:00.000-04:00

As you ladies (or husbands of ladies) who have had C-sections know, the major surgery that brings your baby into the world leaves a scar. The mark probably varies from woman to woman, but the scar left on my body from Zion is pretty thick, pretty hard and a bit crooked. The last time I was at the doctor, he mentioned cleaning up the scar when he does the C-section for Jubilee. He said he'd cut out the old scar and somehow close the new incision from underneath in a way that leaves something smaller, lighter, less noticeable. That sounded good. When we were worshiping at church this morning and pondering what God has ahead of us in the new year, I felt Him guiding my thoughts back to the conversation with the doctor about my scar and showing me that He was going to do some metaphoric scar lifting as well. Throughout this pregnancy, I've felt led to believe that it was going to be different this time. God has been challenging me to believe He could and would do a new thing that turns out differently from what we experienced with Zion and to trust that Jubilee, as her name implies, will bring us great joy and rejoicing. Today, I felt like He was telling me that He was going to use her birth- a healthy, uneventful, good one- to cut some of the ugliness out of the scars on my heart left from losing my son. Experiencing what I've come to believe just isn't possible for me- a good and normal outcome of pregnancy- will be used by the Lord to soften that scar that losing a baby too early left behind. He's going to cut that ugly scar away and what will be left will still be a mark- each baby leaves a profound one behind in one way or another and I wouldn't want to ever lose the marks Zion left on our lives. However, He's going to stitch differently this time in a way that makes that wound a bit smaller and brings healing. As often as I've gotten this impression, I still have a hard time believing that it could be true for me. I wrestle with not wanting to give into the sense of relief that because I want to somehow prepare myself for the worst, or at least something hard. He's already been so good to give me this period of rest and joy and actual enjoyment of my pregnancy that I was longing for- but it still isn't enough sometimes. I even almost chose to not write this blog until after Jubilee would be born, in case it didn't turn out as I great as I'm hoping... But, maybe this year God is wanting me to not only believe in, but experience in a new way the good and enjoyable gifts He loves to give His children. This part of His character is something I've doubted from time to time since losing Zion. I'd love to be taught otherwise.

Highlights

2011-12-30T22:36:00.000-04:00

Here's some random bits of life that have happened here lately:

Funny things Natty has said-

"Mommy, can I get a tattoo?"
"I don't really love God. I like him, I guess. Maybe I'll love Him when I'm older." This one, by the way, is hard for any Christian parent to admit that their child said when reading about a lot of other Christian mommies memorizing scriptures with their kids, listening to them praying for their friends, etc... Natty has a very real, rebellious sin nature and it is terrifying to see it. However, it reminds us that we can't force the gospel on her, that God's own Spirit must work to change her heart, even at this age. We certainly are reminded to pray more fervently when she says things like this.

Natty's top 2 enjoyments of the Christmas season:
1. opening presents
2. decorating the tree with Nana

Lisa's top 2:
1. watching Natty open presents and decorate as well as share often why we are really celebrating
2. food

Highlights of 2011, in random order
1. spending 2 months with our parents visiting us in La Paz at the beginning of the year
2. getting back into ministry after losing Zion
3. celebrating Natty's third birthday with her favorite Bolivian friends and their mommies
4. finding out we were expecting again
5. back to back visits from friends in Minneapolis and Charlotte
6. SIM annual retreat with the whole Bolivia crew- so glad Natty was old enough to enjoy the kids program this year
7. enjoying the outpouring of love and help provided by our Mallasilla and church friends. This included frequent baby-sitting, bringing of food, coming to visit with food, coming to visit with kids to play with Natty, lots of prayers and phone calls.
8. coming back to the US
9. hearing that my body looks normal and I could get off my rear and do something!!!
10. celebrating Christmas in my hometown with my family

Aspirations for 2012:
Thrive. It's hard to make resolutions when everyone seems to try it and then get to the end of the year and realize they didn't complete their list. I'm not big on making resolutions, but I do like to look back at my last year and see what I did well or didn't do well and how I could continue or improve certain things. This year is going to be unique because three months in, there will be a baby Jubilee born. She will make it hard to do anything productive, other than take care of her for a bit. Then, we'll go back to Bolivia and spend a few months adjusting back to life and ministry there, while continuing to balance the needs of 2 small kids. And, we want to build a house. Yikes! So, my idea is that I might try to work in a good, though-provoking Bible study before Jubilee is born for my own edification and then just see what happens after that. I want to continue reading the Bible through each year, which I feel I've got a good habit of doing...although I could stand to be a bit more consistent. And, I'd like to be a bit more flexible with this baby's schedule than I was with Natty's- so that's something. Generally, I would like to just make myself available as a friend to the ladies at church, have people over more and try to utilize the gifts God's given me without letting myself be taken captive by the introversion He's also created in me.

I'm currently reading a book called, Introverts in the Church: Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture, by Adam McHugh. It's giving me a lot of insightful looks into the depth of who I am and some of those chuckles of "that's so me!". So far he's touched a lot on why the Western church tends to esteem extroversion over introversion and the unique gifts introverts can bring into a Christian community. He's just starting to scratch a bit at how introverts can use their personality as a crutch or excuse to not be more involved in people's lives and I'd like to hear some more about this, as I feel constantly compelled to overcome my solitary tendencies. However, there's a lot of good, "it's OK that you're this way cause God can use you like this" happening, which is refreshing.

So, randomness completed. May you all be blessed abundantly as you look at what the Lord has done in your life in 2011 and look forward to what He may do in 2012. I'm most excited about bringing a healthy baby into the world, Lord-willing and enjoying another 6 months in our home country.

The fight.

2011-12-29T16:40:00.002-04:00

It's funny (annoying) how quickly your emotions can swing back and forth when you're pregnant- or maybe just if you're me. Tuesday we had another check-up with the doctor- we'll be going every 2 weeks now. I'm at 28 weeks, which is the time when everything started going wrong in my pregnancy with Zion, so I was a bit anxious to find out the status of body at this point. The doctor again saw no change in my cervix and was very pleased with my weight gain, blood pressure, etc... It was another one of those times when things turned out as perfectly as you could hope they would- something that has characterized all of my appointments so far since arriving to the US. I was thrilled and spent the rest of that day thanking God continually. It feels so incredibly nice to live a mostly normal life and do the things that I want to do, within reason. Then, the other night, Natty woke up absolutely terrified about something. Her screaming was really traumatic to me that night and I found myself awake long after she had gone back to bed. I don't know if it was a form of spiritual attack or just the tiredness (lots of things seem more serious and often more negative when you're awake in the middle of the night), but I started picturing what it would be like when the time came for us to return to Bolivia, and it wasn't pretty. First, I imagined the actual process of getting there, which always includes a long overnight flight that is hard with one child that can't get comfortable and is up off and on throughout the night, usually crying from exhaustion. But, this time there is also a small baby involved. Flashbacks to our arrival in La Paz when Natty was just shy of 3 months were playing in my head when we had to break through the customs line and whiz past a confused/angry looking guard because our daughter had stopped breathing and was turning purple around the lips. High altitude can do harsh things to little ones (and big, too). I certainly can't help but think of a repeat of that with Jubilee, who will be 3 1/2 months old when we are slated to go back. Then, there were scenes of La Paz. I usually have no problem with the fact that Bolivia is a developing world and reflects that in different ways wherever you are, even the capitol. However, that night, my feeling was that it was harsh, dirty, unwelcoming, scary. After losing Zion there and a handful of other less than ideal experiences with doctors and hospitals, I often fear going back to raise not just one, but two children there. It was hard to not be temporarily overwhelmed by these thoughts and even wonder what would we do if I just couldn't return. I woke up in the morning not feeling anything quite that dramatic and marveling that just a few weeks ago, I was looking fondly at our beloved Bolivian home and family, missing our time there and experiences there with them. Why so fickle?? I suppose this is just the reality of our lives. There is real good here in the US and there. There is real bad in both places, also. There is a seemingly eternal quest to think in a way that is balanced and healthy, to remind myself of Who is controlling our lives and what we experience in them and to rest in His goodness, grace and power when the answers don't come easily. I think my struggles are real but I think I can let them grow to monstrous proportions when I'm not careful, when I take my focus off of Christ. The Bible is full of good promises that we must keep our eyes fixed, unwavering, on the Lord and He will give us peace, He will guide, He will make the path straight. Sometimes that task is easier than at other times, but it's always worth the fight.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

2011-12-16T17:00:00.002-04:00

There is something magical about Christmas time. We feel it strongly this year, mostly because it is falling so close to our return back to the U.S. All the traditions seem more fun this year, as well, because Natty is at that age where she can finally get into it. She loves the Christmas tree- decorating it, turning it on, looking at the ornaments, putting presents under it. We recently had a white elephant gift exchange with my parent's small group and she got such a kick out of helping people pick out a gift to open and squealing with anticipation while they slowly peaked at what was inside. She wants to help everyone wrap presents and does a surprisingly good job of keeping a secret, since she's probably seen what everyone is receiving from everyone else. She likes to tease me by saying, "We bought you something at the store today, Nana." At that point (starting to get nervous she'll give away the surprise), I jump in and remind her that it's a secret and she whines at me, "Mommy- you don't have to keep telling me that. I just want to say that we bought Nana something. I'm not going to tell her what!" As if it's foolish of me to remind my barely three year old daughter not to spill the beans. It's been a challenge to find kids books in the library that talk about the real meaning of Christmas, always wanting to keep Jesus the center of our celebrations. It's already hard enough to talk about spiritual things with such a young person. How much is she understanding? What if she just doesn't care? I still haven't figured out exactly what traditions we want to incorporate into our family to take some of the focus off of giving to just our family and put it on being generous with those who have real needs. It will look totally different in Bolivia than it would here.

Apparently, I'm the one enjoying the Christmas food the most. I gained a few pounds more than the recommended weight increase for pregnant ladies last month. I swear just landing in the U.S., at low altitude, bumps up your weight a few pounds. So, my doctor has told me I can only gain 3 pounds in the next month. What?? With Christmas cookies and egg nog and Christmas parties and my best girl friends coming into town? Get real.

I have to share the good news that my last OB check-up when equally as well as the first. I was a little nervous after a full month of activity, that things in my body might not be holding as strong as they were when I was inactive and the baby was smaller. However, the doctor found all to be about the same and gave me the go-ahead to continue on as I was. A small Christmas miracle for us! He'll start seeing me every 2 weeks just to keep a close eye on things.

I continue to feel incredibly relaxed here. Blessed to have time. Time to sleep, to eat, to be with my family. I think I've laughed a lot more in the last few weeks than in a long time. I am grateful.

Update

2011-12-09T14:35:00.001-04:00

Picnic at the park

The days seem to have sped up recently. Maybe it's because I've actually had things to do. As much as I think I'm saving myself time and energy doing online Christmas shopping, it can still be a very time-consuming task that often becomes mentally exhausting. Do you ever have that feeling like the world at your fingertips can sometimes be a little overwhelming? The options are nice, but can get a bit excessive if you don't find exactly what you want very quickly. However, I'm not physically able to amble around the mall all afternoon and I don't have to deal with other shoppers, so I do prefer the web. In the last couple of days, I've also searched as many engines as possible for the perfect beach front condo in the Charleston area for a dream beach vacation I've been planning on taking with both sets of our parents for next summer. It's been several years since I've been to a beach where I can swim (the beach we went to last year in Chile is ice cold year round and not often even warm enough to be comfortable sitting on the sand in shorts). So, on a purely selfish level, my biggest goal for this trip home is to get some good beach time in. Natty, although born in a land-locked country, is drawn like a fish to the water and could probably happily dig in sand all day long. I will give her this opportunity. I'm a bit fearful to make a reservation now because there's still that part of me that thinks something is going to make Jubilee come too early and we won't be able to do our planned trip, but if I don't make reservations now, there won't be anything left soon. It's going to be a reservation of faith.

Scotty and I had a lovely date last night, thanks to a ministry called the Micah Wessman Foundation, who sends care packages to families far and wide who have lost children. They sent us an Applebees gift card and we indulged in appetizers, steaks and dessert on them. That's my kind of date. Scotty asked me at one point if I'd had any thoughts yet about how life and ministry might look different when we go back to Bolivia. It's not the first time lately that I've realized that this is our first home assignment where talking about going back to Bolivia hasn't given me apprehension. I've never doubted that we should return, but I usually have a sense that I didn't do enough in our last term or have sufficient vision for God's purpose for me there. So early in a home assignment, I usually didn't want to think at all about returning, but just rest in being home and not have the (mostly self-inflicted) pressure of being a missionary. I don't know exactly what to attribute it to, but there are 2 reasons I can think of that make me think differently this time. One, time. We've been in Bolivia as a married couple for over 5 years now. There are rarely shocks when considering the culture. We are fluent in the language, even though there will always be lots of room for growth. It all feels so normal. Two, friends. I've always come back feeling like my relationships with Bolivians were lacking. God has used both Zion's death and my bed rest to help me to see the depth of which people care for us. I've had more meaningful conversations with people. I've relied more on the church than I ever did before- more out of necessity than anything (it's easy to hide from people when you're an introvert). I see God's grace in new ways through what He's allowed us to go through in the last year or so. It's nice for Him to show me that. So, I look at Bolivia fondly now and really do miss our lives there. I wouldn't change being here at this time, as it's brought a lot of joy and peace to our hearts, but it's nice to feel that positiveness toward the place where God's called us.

Things I'm loving about being in Gainesville...

2011-11-25T18:47:00.001-04:00

...the weather! Every day is short-sleeved weather and it is glorious. Natty runs around outside without shoes and has even played in the sprinklers a few times.

...the grass (and general greenness)! Natty rolls in it, runs in it and everything just looks lush and alive.

...carpet! Being able to walk around without socks and slippers/shoes on cushy carpet is a delight. I miss that feeling in Bolivia.

...drinking out of the faucet! This is especially exciting to Natalie, who often reminds me, "Mommy, did you know we can drink water right out of the sink?!". Yes, we can. And I do.

...pizza. Awesome crust. Tomato sauce. Thick. Cheap.

...TV. I hate to admit it. But we love HGTV.

...nice things! Everything is nice. Nice, clean restaurants with tasty foods of infinite varieties. Nice public bathrooms (have you ever been in a Bolivian public restroom? Not pretty.) Nice roads. Nice cars. Nice, well-stocked grocery stores. Nice furniture. Nice toilet paper. Nice. Nice. Nice.

...cereal! LOVE Kashi. All of it.

...parks! Oh, my goodness. I could spend an afternoon everyday at our closest sports park. There are shredded tire tracks under the equipment (verses dirt or cement), which gives a lovely, squishy, safe quality. There are big oak trees. There are squirrels. There are lovely, heavy-duty park benches. Natty is in heaven there and it is so fun to watch her.

...doctors. I've already written about that one. Thanking God for Dr. Duff.

I'm sure I'll think of more things later. We are still in the honeymoon phase of being in the U.S. :)

Thanksgiving newsletter

2011-11-22T16:07:00.001-04:00

We are so thankful...

...For a safe arrival to the U.S.!  We had a few unforeseen bumps along the way and knew that travel could potentially be difficult on my weakened, pregnant body. Everything was going smoothly and comfortably until we arrived in Lima, Peru and our connecting flight refused to let us on board because of the perceived riskiness of my pregnancy. We are thankful that God worked it out so that we could get on another airlines' flight to Miami that was leaving immediately and we arrived to our destination several hours earlier than expected! The next morning, we were refused the rental car we had reserved online! We are thankful that my parents drove the 6 hours to come get us in a borrowed, larger vehicle, that the hotel we were staying in had a last-second cancellation to their completely booked schedule which allowed us to stay in our room throughout the rest of the day while we waited for my parents, and that we made it safely home in the wee hours of the evening.

...For our families and supporters!  We'll be spending almost 6 months in my parents' home, eating their food, enjoying their hospitality and potentially slightly abusing their free babysitting services. We had the joy of spending a few days with Scotty's parents already and look forward to a more extended time later next year with them and their church in Tennessee. Our Vineyard church here has welcomed us as lovingly as they always do and we are excited to soak in their love for a while. Our church, Desiring God Community Church, in Charlotte has already sent us a lovely care package and we await the time we can worship with them after our baby is born. Scotty is excited to see friends and supporters at Bethlehem Baptist in Minneapolis when he goes to the pastors conference there at the end of January. We are surrounded by people who care about us and have been praying for us and we feel God's unmerited grace through all of them.

...For good medical care and good health!  God miraculously got us in with a very respected high-risk pregnancy doctor in town who rarely takes new patients! He is kind and gentle and reassuring and his office staff have been nothing but friendly and capable. The medical experience we've had here is worlds apart from what we are used to...it's what I've been dreaming of since I found out I was pregnant! And, upon being reviewed by Dr. Duff (thank God for this man!), he pronounced everything good and normal and relieved me from my bed rest! He also informed us that we were having another girl, much to our surprise and great joy. Jubilee Sage will join us, Lord-willing, in early March.

...For rest.  There's nothing like being in a place that is so comfortable and familiar. For me, comfortable is short sleeves in November, just the temperatures Gainesville boasts this time of year. But it's also the knowledge that this time is for us to unwind, relax, and rest in God's goodness. Natalie is thriving in this new place where she has not only mom and dad around, but Nana and Papa, too. She is running barefoot outside in the grass, playing in the sprinklers, learning to ride a tricycle, making new friends in the neighborhood and checking out lots of library books! Scotty finally has a break from the demanding ministry schedule that occupied much of his time the last few months, as well as the concerns he carried for taking care of a lot of my needs, as well as Natty's, mostly on his own. We are thanking God continually that we will be able to enjoy some activities together again outside of the house and do more together as a family. It is a true joy to be here.

...For our Bolivian pastor, Edgar Mamani.  Edgar is the sort of pastor that you are honored to also call your friend. He is devoted to the faithful preaching of the Word and to the encouragement of his flock. He is a good husband and father. His life and ministry have been radically changed by what he has learned from pastor John Piper, through his sermons and books. We shared with you the plans we had to get pastor Edgar to Minneapolis this winter for the pastor's conference at Pastor John's church. So far, we are still in need of about $1500 to fly Edgar from La Paz and cover his expenses while in the states. We would be so grateful if you'd consider helping with this special gift of giving Edgar the opportunity to see the pastor who has made such a great impact in his life. Please also pray for Edgar's mother, who is not a believer and who has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer. Please pray for her healing, both spiritually and physically.

...For God's abundant provision through His people in the past, present and future.  We have been well-supplied for all of our needs over the course of our missionary career so far in Bolivia. We will be making some of our new financial needs known to you in our next newsletter, but want to express our gratitude to God and to you for generously supporting us in so many ways.

With love and gratitude,
Scotty, Lisa, Natalie and Jubilee Miser

Please call us! 352-450-1669
or email us! scottynlisa@gmail.com
Or check out our blog! http://scottyandlisa.blogspot.com
Or send us checks! SIM USA * PO Box 7900 * Charlotte, NC 28241

It's a...

2011-11-15T17:32:00.001-04:00

GIRL!!! (Can you see the balloon?). Her name is Jubilee Sage. We had the name picked out for Zion, if he was a girl. Jubilee, meaning great rejoicing (as well as its Biblical meaning that might be better saved for a different blog), seems so appropriate in this post-grief time of welcoming the good gift of life into our family again. We highly suspected the baby to be a boy and even brought home almost an entire suitcase of boy clothes, but we're thrilled our little girl is healthy and Natty's hope was for a baby sister. The visit with our doctor could not have gone better. Dr. Duff is a sweet, caring, soft-spoken doctor who took plenty of time with us and made us feel at ease. He talked to me like I was a "normal" pregnant woman, leading me to believe he is not too concerned about anything drastic happening. He checked my cervix, informing me that all looks totally normal. How often I have prayed for that in the last few months! God is overwhelming us with His love and care for us. He measured the baby and checked her out all over, reporting all to be perfect. And then, he explained that as long as I take it easy and not stay out too long, I can do everyday activities again! I could not stop praising and thanking God for this news! We feel like he is making our wildest dreams come true (who else is thinking of Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite right now?). Really, I just don't take these things for granted anymore.

So, out to Olive Garden with both sets of parents to celebrate. Then, a hair cut, dental appointment, fabric shopping, Starbucks, the library, and Target...not necessarily in that order. And, no more ordering Scotty around...:)

Doctors visit

2011-11-11T12:07:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was our first appointment at the medical office we have chosen here in Gainesville. It's where all the doctors at a well-known, top-notch hospital in town practice and I felt like any one of them would be completely trustworthy. I was nervous when the morning came- not knowing what to expect and hoping things would go well and that we'd be able to see a doctor soon. I was so nervous that I forgot the keys to my little electric scooter, so I wasn't able to wheel myself around and had to do a bit of walking, which felt nice, but made me nervous. The office was easy to find and as soon as we walked in, we were greeted by a friendly lady behind the counter who took her time explaining a few things, politely asking me to sign a few papers and making us feel quite at home. She immediately sent us back to talk to the financial lady who would try to locate us in the insurance system (even though I thought of it a million times, I ended up leaving our insurance cards in Bolivia) and set up our payments for the future C-section that will happen in March. So organized! She congratulated us on the pregnancy and sounded quite excited when we explained that we had come back to Gainesville from Bolivia to have our baby here. She also carefully explained the procedures we would go through each time we came to the office and made sure we were aware of what we should do in case anything scary happened during the pregnancy. After we finished with her, a nurse was waiting to take us back to go over our medical history. She was kind and funny and very thorough. She asked if I had a doctor already and when I told her who I was hoping for, she said, "I don't think that's going to happen." Apparently, this doctor is quite in demand and only takes patients "when the spirit moves him." She made a phone call to ask his nurse to talk with him and they called back about 20 minutes later to confirm we could be his patients!! God totally made that work out and the nurse praised him highly saying that both doctors and patients love working with this man. Hooray!! We answered some questions, asked a few, and were sent on our way. The whole thing could not have gone more smoothly and we were stunned the whole time how well things are set up, how friendly people are, how well-cared for you feel. I suppose I have spent all of my child-bearing years feeling only moderately cared for under the hands of only slightly informed doctors (and most of that information coming from their schooling decades prior) and after Zion, completely lacking in the kind of medical care that me and this baby need. It's been tense and stressful and I only realize now the extent of what I have been missing. I'm sure when I actually see the doctor and go through all the testing, that realization will be even more acute. By another miracle, I was able to get an appointment with this doctor on Tuesday, when he will do an ultrasound and be able to tell us not only to what extent I need to be resting but also the sex of the baby. They'll make up for lost time by doing a host of blood work and much relief will be felt by all. :)

It's cool and sunny today and the house is totally quiet- except for my parent's crying cats. Natty and Scotty have gone off to find a park and my parents are at the gym. We are loving being here and not having any pressures and Scotty has mentioned several times being in the U.S. "honeymoon" phase. I haven't felt this quite yet, as I haven't been able to get out and enjoy Starbucks and book stores and Target and just seeing things. My venture out yesterday to the doctor was my first trip out since we arrived last weekend. We're eating well, sleeping well, and loving that Natty has two more people to play with her. God has been kind in giving us this chance. Monday brings Scotty's parents for a few days and I'm hoping that Tuesday will bring news that we can all get out together and do some stuff out of the house. And, I continue to work on trusting God for each day, even though the temptation to worry about how long my body can carry this baby is stronger now than in the early days. There is much hope.

Travel Miracles

2011-11-07T10:10:00.000-04:00

The first miracle of our travels was the Miracle of Bubba. Natty has a little stuffed rabbit that is her most prized possession and can not be lived without. He is especially important at sleep times. She had decided at one point that Bubba would stay in her carry-on suitcase throughout the trip to make sure he didn't somehow get left behind, but she couldn't hold out on this and so carried him with us in her hands in and out of airports and on and off the planes. Right after we were denied access onto our second flight and rushed to another plane, we realized as we boarded that Bubba was no where in sight. My last memory of him was handing him to Natty while we were debating with the LAN people. I assumed that she must have dropped him on the floor at that point and when we were whisked away, Bubba stayed behind. Immediately the angst set in and Natty started bawling, "I want my Bubba!! I need Bubba! I want him!!" It was really heartbreaking when you know your child actually considers this thing to be a real, live friend that talks to her and that she lovingly pets and cradles like a little baby and tells him that she loves him. There was nothing that could be done, as they were waiting for us to seal the door and taxi out. We sat down in our seats, mine was a bit behind where Scotty and Natty were and on the other side of the aisle. All I could hear was the faint whimpering of my little girl and I just thought the day couldn't get much worse from there. All of a sudden, I hear Scotty's voice and he is waving Bubba triumphantly in the air! I have no idea how that happened, and later find out that he found the bunny in his backpack. He has no recollection of putting him there and I know that he was so busy trying to figure out our flight situation while Natty and I were playing with Bubba,and then they so quickly moved us on to the gate where our flight was leaving, that I am convinced God miraculously stored him in Scotty's backpack. I actually cried at that moment and hoped the strangers I was wedged between wouldn't notice.

Natty and I catch site of our ride home- Nana and Papa are here!

Miracle #2 comes on Saturday after our much needed sleep at the hotel in Miami. We had a nice morning and were just getting geared up for the drive home. Scotty headed out after our mediocre breakfast to pick up the rental car I had reserved with debit card online a month ago. Natty and I started surfing cartoon channels, the one thing she was most excited about regarding our journey home. Not surprisingly, we ended up watching Spanish cartoons on the only Spanish channel we picked up. An hour passed, another half hour past, another half hour- and still, no Scotty. We turned the TV off and walked outside to sit down on the steps right outside our hotel door for some fresh air (something I haven't been able to do in two months!). I heard a phone ringing in the distance and realized it was ours! I ran back inside (but, slowly, as a woman on bed rest should do) and picked it up. Scotty says, "Well, it's gone from bad to worse". Never enouraging words. He tells me that he's been to every car rental place at the airport and no one will rent to him. The company that we had reserved with would not accept his debit card because when they did a credit check, he had no history (yes, he has no credit history at 39 years old). But, this also means that we're responsible with money, right?? Anyway, it's a no deal and I hang up feeling despondent and a bit worried. I tell Natty what's happening and we pray and I decide that since God knew this was coming, I should just chill and trust He's already worked out Plan B. I call my parents, who live 6 hours away, and ask if they can come get us. Yes. Now, I call the front desk and ask if they can extend us the room. No. No?? The hotel is completely booked for the night?? I explain that I am a poor pregnant woman on bed rest and we have nowhere to go and I don't have a wheelchair and shouldn't be walking around. Front desk chick responds, "But if I let you stay in that room, the next guest will show up and have no where to go." True, but can't you work a miracle for me, or at least sound sympathetic? No. I hang up and really start racking my brain. We could go to the mall until dinner time- but they don't have free wheelchairs, do they? We could go to the hospital- they have wheelchairs. No, that doesn't sound like fun. We could rent another hotel room in a different hotel, but it will be expensive and still mean packing up and hauling 3 big bags and a car seat and myself into a taxi and walking around somewhere else where I shouldn't be walking. I had a good cry, pulled myself together, and called the front desk to ask if they'd give us an extra half hour and the numbers to their other Miami locales. And, oh yeah, if we book at another one of their hotels, could they shuttle us over? No. Grrrrr... So, front desk chick tells me she's extended our stay and I ask again for the other hotel phone numbers and she says, "No, I've extended you for another night." What?? I thought the hotel was full. Nonchalantly, hotel chick says, "Oh, we had a cancellation." Wow! God again to the rescue! I hung up and cried tears of joy for the second time this trip, astounded at God's goodness in working out this stressful situation. I felt so helpless as this person who wasn't supposed to be up and walking around much and the idea of trying to find a new place to go sounded a bit overwhelming. But, God gave us a way to stay in the same room for the afternoon so that I could chill while Natty and Scotty explored. My parents came at dinnertime, had some food with us, and off we went- arriving home at 1am. And now, it's all behind us, we see how God's hand was in all of it, as always, and now we wait to see how He's going to work in my body as we anxiously await my appointment with a nurse at the end of the week. But, we know, and have been shown so many times, that He is faithful.

Travel adventures

2011-11-06T15:19:00.002-04:00

As we were travelling, I had so many ideas for how I would write this blog. Now that we're at my parent's house and relaxing, none of it sees so important anymore. But, I'll do my best to recap the adventures. First, I'll say that travelling in a wheelchair is awesome, if there's some good reason you need to do so. At every airport we went to, a nice person working there shuttled me around, pushed me to the front of the line, or skipped the line all together. I do have to say I felt a little awkward at times when I caught the, "what's wrong with that girl" looks some people shot over or when peoples gazes drifted to me as I rolled into a room. However, not having to wait for anything beat all that. The first check in went super smooth and we were landing in Lima before we knew it. When we arrived at the LAN desk where we were to check in for the second portion of our air travel, things got a bit sticky. After reading our medical document, which we hadn't planned on showing to any airline personnel, they told us quite firmly that we would not be flying their airlines without a signed waver from their doctor and mine. How we were supposed to know this, I have no idea, and my anger increased as Scotty politely tried to make head-way with Peruvian LAN chick and she shot him down several times. Before we even had the chance to talk with a manager, wheelchair-boy is taking me to the elevator and we are rapidly walking to Gate 17 where a TACA flight is taking off in the next 5 seconds for Miami. If they got us from La Paz to Lima, I suppose they won't have a problem allowing the terribly scary pregnant lady on again. So, after a few brief phone calls by nice TACA dude, we are being wheeled down the plank, pushed on, seated and the plane is taking off. We all end up in the last row by the stinky, crowded bathrooms, but we were together and we were heading to Miami, earlier than we thought. This was a gift from God. The almost 6 hour flight passes after some bland food, two cheesy movies and a short nap by Natty and we are in Miami before we know it. We find, as usual, that Spanish works much better than English for the helpful Miami airport staff and after rolling through customs, we find our luggage was not able to jump on the plane as fast as we were and so we work with Latin baggage claims ladies to come back when it's due in to pick it up. Then we wait almost an hour for our hotel shuttle and almost give up hope when we see it drive by, inform us that it's already full and that we will need to take a taxi. At this point, I'm just happy to be sitting outside by the pick-up/drop-off curb in the balmy Miami sunset while Natty rolls happily about on the concrete (cause Mommy's sitting there), getting filthy. I think she's happy to be off the airplane. So, nice Brazilian taxi driver gets us to our hotel, we check in and Scotty immediately gets on the shuttle to go back and get our luggage. Natty and I watch a half hour of TV and I try to do very little since my body is already feeling the stress of travelling all day and being cramped on board a plane for almost 8 total hours. I convince Natty we should sleep and we both fall into a slumber, only to wake up an hour or so later and realize that Scotty is not back. Now, this is where I realize how much we rely on cell phones. At this point, my husband is supposedly at the airport- but what if he never made it? Why is it taking so long? Did he get in an accident? Did he forget the hotel's number so there's no way to call the shuttle to come get him? Did he get abducted in the not-so-nice part of town around the airport? What should I do?? He'd been gone for about 2 hours at this point and in my tired stupor, I was imagining the worst. Thank God, I heard luggage wheels at the door and jumped up to see Scotty with all our bags. Yay- they all made it!! Then, he goes out again, gets us Wendy's (cause we haven't eaten anything since bland pasta at 11:30am), we scarf, fall into bed and rest peacefully until morning.

I am praising God that my body held up under the long travelling hours, that our bags all made it, that we had a cozy bed to sleep in, that we are in the U.S. And, especially, that someone took the "risk" of letting me fly on their plane. Thank you TACA! Stay tuned for more travel adventures...

How did I get here?

2011-10-30T12:12:00.001-04:00

I listened to last weeks message from John Piper this morning. Apparently, for the last few weeks, Bethlehem Baptist Church has been focusing on missions. Today, Pastor John presented a beautiful picture of the round about way that God opened the door of salvation for every tribe, tongue, language and people and challenged those who have felt that leading of the Spirit to go cross culturally to call the lost in to that open door. It was a great reminder to me, a missionary, of something that can grow cold in my heart from time to time. Yes, I live in Bolivia, a country and a culture vastly different from my own. I plan on staying here, Lord-willing, until my children are grown and have left home. But, this has become my normal. Sometimes I forget the calling that God has put on my life, as He has on all of ours if we are His children, to bring good news to all people. I get caught up in my day to day life, the mundane, and lose sight of the awesome privilege I have. So, I thought, for my own encouragement and if it would be of use to anyone else, I would remember God's first call and how I came to be in this lovely country.

When I was a teenager, my church had a small room somewhere off the main path called the prayer room. On the door was a time sheet where you could sign your name for increments of a half hour, all throughout the day and night, to pray for the needs of the church. The room had a plush chair in one corner, with a lamp next to it, a few devotional books, and a desk where a rolodex of prayer requests from members of the church were hand-written. There was a cork board next to the desk that had letters from the church's missionaries pinned on and those could also be read through and prayed for. I usually spent an hour in the prayer room each week and was amazed at how quickly that time went by. I prayed for people I knew and many I didn't. I rarely read the missionary letters. One day, when I was struggling to focus in that extremely quiet place with a soft ticking of the clock in the background, my gaze drifted to the cork board. I saw an index card with this verse written on it, "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Corinthians 2:9). All at once, I found myself weeping as I heard, inaudibly but very clearly speaking to my heart, the voice of the Lord compelling me to be one who would take this amazing gift that we can not even conceive of to bless the nations. And that neither I, nor they, could imagine what He had in store for us, whom He loves. I knew in an instant that my God was calling me to a lifetime of cross-cultural ministry. I can't remember if this is something I shared immediately with my family or roommate, but I knew at 17 where my life was headed (in a very vague way at that moment in time). I felt no compulsion to go immediately, but to follow the "normal" path of gaining first a college education and I entered into a major that interested me, but that I assumed would never be put into practice. I hope to think those 4 years in school and working matured and prepared me enough to take the big step of leaving my country. After I graduated, I began the overwhelming process of trying to figure out how and with whom to go. Food for the Hungry very quickly caught my attention in my web engine search and after spending a few months communicating with them, I flew out to Phoenix to meet the staff and become even more convinced that they were the mission I would set out with. Shortly after, I had an assignment in Cochabamba, Bolivia working with international youth in a youth group setting. 6 months after arriving in Bolivia, I met Scotty and the rest is history. This is all very simplified, but the main point is that God moved in amazing ways to bring this shy, home-loving, not adventurous girl to another continent on the other side of the equator for His good purposes. And, I have seen so many of those loving purposes at work in my life, maybe far more than I've seen how He's used me in the lives of others. But, I continue to hang on to His call when things get tough, as they have especially in this last year, and thank Him for choosing me.

Half way

2011-10-28T16:36:00.000-04:00

20 weeks- hooray!! The first trimester always feels like it takes forever, since the general sense is all-day yuckiness. However, the last couple of months have flown by, even being on bed rest. I keep thinking that since the cerclage, 6 weeks ago, time has gone by so fast, but when I think there's another 3 sets of 6 weeks to go, it feels like birth is forever away. These days, I feel bigger than I look, I'm hungry all afternoon (more than the morning), I'm tired almost every nap time (Natty's)- whether I went to bed early or not, I'm starting to feel daily movement from the little one, I need to use the bathroom almost constantly, and I am already daydreaming about the perfect birth and arrival of our baby. The first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning is, "Please protect us today, Lord." and when I lay down to sleep at night, "Thank you so much for keeping us safe and keeping the baby where he's supposed to be." I've never been so aware of the moment by moment protection of my Father and definitely feel His presence in those moments where there's a twinge of pain or a weird pressure and I wonder what is happening inside of me and if we'll end up in the clinic because of it. Although God has kept me in great peace, my natural tendency to worry about things outside of my control has brought me to a few times when I just look forward to getting this pregnancy over with (but not too fast!!). It's such a different experience than I've ever had before, having had such "normal", enjoyable pregnancies with Natalie and Zion. As much as I am training myself and the Lord is teaching me to trust in Him each day and let tomorrow worry for itself when it arrives, I can't help but have an overall sense that my baby is in constant danger and the simple act of getting up is putting him at risk. But I also have a strong desire to enjoy the incubation of this little one, thinking that it might be the last biological one for us, but am not sure quite how. I suppose my "enjoyment" will not be as it was before- going out for tea with my girlfriends in cute maternity clothes or having the "oohs" and "ahhs" from my church family when I show up with a bigger belly each Sunday to church or even frequent daydreaming about the perfect, natural delivery that I've always wanted. But, instead, an enjoyment of the daily faithfulness of the Lord and seeing Him work in and through my situation to strengthen me and remind me of how powerful and good He is. I think if I can change my expectations to think this way, the enjoyment will be so much deeper than it has been in the past.

Natty has come out with some funny things since her mommy has been a bit detained in the house. One of her favorite things to remind me of is, "Mommy- you can't leave the house forever and ever and ever, cause the doctor says you can't go down the stairs." Thanks for the reminder, Natty. Another is, "Pregnant ladies NEVER go to church." Or some form of, "When the baby comes out you can jump with me/I can jump on you/you can teach me to cook/we can walk and walk and walk, etc...". She's definitely looking forward to things being back to normal. Me too. :)

Happy 1st Birthday, Zion!

2011-10-21T16:08:00.001-04:00

When I look at this picture of our perfectly formed son with all his little fingers and little toes, looking so much like all the other babies I've seen, I find it so hard to believe that he's not still with us. I found it so hard to believe that he would actually die and even when it happened, I couldn't believe it. Over the past year, God has taken me through the valley of the shadow of death and certainly, He walked with me there and brought me back into the light. Having come out on the other side, I wasn't ready for the disbelief that set in again today upon waking on the first anniversary of the birth of our Zion. I wanted to celebrate his life, but how strange it is to celebrate a birthday when the person you are celebrating isn't there to share the day with you! All I could imagine is how he was "supposed" to be sitting in bed with us reading stories like we do every morning. And how he would have been eating cupcakes with us and opening presents and doing all the fun things that we just did with Natty last month for her birthday. His birthday has been a fresh reminder that he will never participate in all these things that we dreamed we would do together as a family.
That said, my hope for this day was really to point out the amazing and gracious things God has done through his life and death. I can't explain the transformation that brought me from questioning God's love and perfect plan to having more certainty in my life than ever before of God's goodness and love. I'm not sure how it happened or when, but going through tragedy convinced me that my only hope is in Christ and that whatever He deems worthwhile for my life is worth it if it means knowing Him more. The other things God has taught me seem minor in comparison to the truth that God's love for us is often not shown in removing us from suffering or preventing it from happening, but in showing Himself to us in the midst of it. I am thankful for that and I am thankful that He chose to use my son for this great work in our lives. We miss Zion and always will, but we are hopeful for the new life God has given us and that we wait expectantly for next year.

The days roll on...

2011-10-12T16:47:00.000-04:00

Finding entertainment while Mommy lies on the couch.

You'd think while on bed rest, I'd have more time to blog, right? I'm sure I do, but as you can imagine, there isn't a whole lot of exciting stuff happening as I sit on the couch all day. My day consists of a leisurely morning in bed where I try to entertain Natty through playing with her animals and reading to her until I get tired of that and send her out so I can have quiet time. She usually comes slinking back in and asks me to read my Bible out loud, at which point she listens quietly for about 2 minutes (or less) and then starts whispering or singing to herself and her animals. Then she disappears and comes back while I'm praying and asks me to "pray to her"...she means, of course, to pray out loud so she can hear. It's a little disruptive, but at least she sees a habit in her mommy of spending time with the Lord each day and I love the freedom that not walking around gives me to not feel bad about sitting in bed later than usual to focus on the Word. After showering, I take up my post on the couch with a few trips into Natty's room when she gets desperate for me to play with her. Daily, she says, "Mommy, I want you to come in my room and sit real still." This means that she understands I'm not supposed to be doing much, but she wants me to be with her. She's been even clingier than usual since I've been home bound and wants to be with me as much as possible, even though we find it quite difficult sometimes to find fun things to do while I'm so limited. We try to arrange play dates for her a couple times a week, either sending her off like she is right now (at a neighbor's house) or having other kids come by to play for a bit. This works well and gives Scotty time to get some work done at home while I have the freedom to sit around and not be enticed to get up when I should be sitting. I did finish a completely hand-sewn doll with clothes for Natty- one of my favorite sewing projects so far and just finished Charles Dickens' David Copperfield, which completely absorbed me for the last week or so.
There have been a few moments of distress as I've felt helpless to really play with and discipline Natty as I would like- struggling to watch Scotty do that as well as a million other things. Sometimes I get myself settled in one spot and realize I've left behind things I want to occupy my time, but Scotty is out the door, in a hurry, with Natty and there is no one to get those things for me. So, I sit resigned on the couch to find something else to do until he gets home. It can be rather tiresome. Our house help has been absent this week and we are realizing what we already knew to be true- that she is invaluable to us, especially during times like these.
We are continually thankful for how the Lord is sustaining us as a family and keeping me and the baby strong. We are grateful that He worked a miracle in immigration to get us the 8 month permission to be out of the country when our visas only allow us 3. If we hadn't received that, we would have lost our visas and had to start from scratch, for the 3rd time, in what is a lengthy, frustrating and expensive process. God is so good to us! We wake up every morning thinking about being back in the US and about this time, every time we make plans to go home, we start imaging our home country as this beautiful, orderly, exciting, magical, almost perfect place that we've been away from for so long. It doesn't take long for our bubble to burst after getting home, but we know that it will be a great blessing to be among family and have some of the enjoyments that we don't have here, as well as the superb medical care. We're literally counting the days.
It's hard to believe that Zion's first birthday would be next week- can it be possible that my little boy was born almost a year ago?? It's hard to separate him from the pain we experienced in his unexpected arrival and short, rocky life and as I try not to dwell on these times in order to not make myself nervous about this pregnancy, I find myself also not able to think a lot about him. However, there is always a special place in my heart for all that God has done in me and has yet to do through his life and I am thankful to the Lord for using that little boy to change me so profoundly. More on that in his birthday post...

I would be remiss to not mention again the amazing husband I have. He cooked curried lentils yesterday. He baked chocolate chip and butterscotch cookie bars a week or so ago. He bathes Natty, dresses her, puts her to sleep, makes her laugh, talks to her animals. He waits on me like a servant and takes Natty places with him when he knows it will be too much to have me look after her. He continues in his great attitude and loving service to his family until he's exhausted. We couldn't do this without him.

Birthday girl!

2011-09-23T17:38:00.001-04:00

This face pretty much characterizes Natty's entire birthday yesterday. She woke up and we sang Happy Birthday and Cumpleaños Feliz to her while she bounced up and down on the bed and clapped. She opened a few presents, we played with them, and then she got on her fancy dress (she never dresses up) and went out for donuts with Daddy. I decided not to waste my calories on less that adequate Bolivian donuts but then regretted my decision when Scotty got back with a particularly fluffy cinnamon and sugar one. I got a few bites of each and was satisfied, knowing I would mow down a few pieces of birthday cake later in the day. For the next few hours Natty opened a few more presents, played with them and ran around like a crazy person. At one point she randomly said while walking around on her new Melissa and Doug floor puzzle, "This is such a fun day for me!" I whipped up a cake from my desk chair and Scotty helped me to assemble it into a fish shape during nap time and I wasn't sure I could wait until her friends came over to have a piece.

There was a strange outburst of wailing at nap time that was very uncharacteristic and honestly, a little scary. I had to call Scotty home since I can't get up and down much and he laid down with Natty for another half hour and she awoke her normal self.. 2 of her best friends showed up and the fun really began. Then came 2 more, 3 a little later, and an unexpected 4 more from the neighborhood after we had already begun to eat cake. I was only expecting 4 kids total- but, whatever. The moms brought more cake and cupcakes and marshmallows and lolly pops and I'm pretty sure Natty ate more sugar in an hour long period than her entire life combined. There's a lot of peer pressure here to give your kids everything and anything they want, even when Mommy knows it will make them sick later. I let her eat a majority of what she wanted and she didn't throw up that night, so I guess I did OK. She had a blast and got some more stuffed animals to add to the mountain she has already and we watched a home video of her first birthday party and I dreamed about having a really little one again. It was a great day and even though I think we went a little overboard on the presents, it was such a gift to see such joy and enthusiasm in my little girl, especially as she enjoyed all the loving friends God has given her.

Today I've had a lot of alone time. It's been wonderful. Scotty's taken Natty out most of the day and I've done a lot of necessary research online, read, slept and eaten left-over birthday cake. I've been wondering lately why I feel so calm about everything. A lot of friends here are concerned about how I'm doing emotionally- how I'm handling everything. I can honestly tell them that I am fine! Then I think, should I be fine? Should I be freaking out more? Am I not letting myself be aware of what could happen and living in a fantasy world?? No. I know what could happen. I've been through the absolutely worst case scenario and actually lived through it. I think I've been through a mom's worst nightmare, but somehow God has made me stronger on the other side. Not only stronger, but more aware of His strength, of His goodness. I am choosing not to focus on what could happen, but instead, to believe He has everything under control. I am remembering that He loves this child more than me and He loves me more than I can understand. How can you worry when this is clear to you? I am so grateful to Him for making this clear to me, even when it had to come through the death of a beloved son. But now, I can go through a complicated, scary pregnancy and be at peace (most of the time). I can trust that all the numerous details of our time in the states- where we'll live, what doctor we'll have, how I'll make it all happen while on bed rest- will be worked out by His gracious hand. I will look forward to being witness of how He perfectly works it all out.

Don't waste your bed rest.

2011-09-18T11:31:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, John Piper put out a book called Don't Waste Your Life. It's one that has greatly impacted the Christian community to take stock of what we are living for and think through how to live a life that as you look back over the years convinces you and others that you have lived to the glory of God. He wrote an article not too long after that as he was struggling with cancer called Don't Waste Your Cancer, calling each of us to not forget how God fulfills His perfect plans for us through the suffering that we experience. I'm home from church today, laying on Natty's bed in the sun and listening to a sermon from my pastor Coty in Charlotte that he preached while he and Beth were visiting last month. I was sick the day he preached, but heard the message was powerful and wanted to hear it as I rest this morning. Our church is studying the book of Genesis and the passage that Coty covered told the story of how Abraham, in an effort to fulfill his responsibilities before dying, sent his servant to his old country to find a wife for his son Isaac. Looking at the lives of Abraham, the servant and Rebekah, Coty shows us 4 points that we can follow in order to not waste our life. As I listened, the most immediate way I can apply them is in not wasting my bed rest. So, I will pray (number one). The servant bathed his journey in prayer as he sought out God's perfect plan for a wife for Isaac. I will pray that God will fulfill His promises in scripture in this time of waiting- that I will feel His constant presence, that I will know He is mighty to do great things in my body and the life of my family, that He will meet every need. Two, I will act. Abraham didn't wait for a descendant to happen to take a trip to visit him, bringing the perfect wife in tow. He sent out his servant to find one and bring her back so that Isaac would not return to the land God called them out of, but remain in the promised land. My action looks more like lack of action, but that too is action, right? I have chosen to stop my normal activities, ask my friends and family for help, put my feet up and choose to have a joyful, God-glorifying attitude. I will act to organize my days, to show my daughter that she is loved and that we trust God in these challenges, to make the most of my downtime by praying, reading God's Word and trying to encourage others. Three, I will trust God. All of the characters in this story believed God and believed He would fulfill His promises. I must trust, as I learned in a new way with Zion, that God is good. He is love. He loves my family. He will take care of us. He will do what is best for us. He will never forsake us, no matter what. And finally, I will give thanks. How Abraham and his family must have praised and given thanks to the Lord for the way in which He worked out so perfectly the meeting between the servant and Rebekah, the willingness of Laban and the love between Isaac and Rebekah. I will give thanks for every day that this baby stays safe inside. I will give thanks for a successful cerclage. I will give thanks for the numerous amount of people around me that are helping me take care of Natty, visiting, cooking meals and buying groceries. I will give thanks that I can return to the U.S. where I will receive better medical care. I will give thanks for the life of this child, for my healthy little girl, for my loving and strong husband, for my supportive family, for God's faithfulness. I do not want to waste my bed rest.

Bed rest, Day One

2011-09-16T20:03:00.003-04:00

Don't worry, I'm not going to write about every day of bed rest. I'm sure it would be even less interesting than actually being on bed rest. But, I do feel that I've had a good start to my official bed rest days and thought I'd give you a little look into my world. First, let me say how awesome, truly amazing, my husband is for getting up early with Natty (something I always did before), fixing me cereal, making lunch and dinner, washing dishes, taking Natty to the bathroom, getting me drinks and snacks and whatever random things I need, AND preparing a sermon. I'm sure there's more in there, but you get the idea. However, I feel like I was fairly productive as well, for someone who sits or lays around about 23 1/3 hours of the day. I was able to find the perfect, cheapest flight back to the states for us last night and spent a good amount of time looking for a reasonable hotel in Miami we could stay one night in. I spent time in the Word, read books to Natty, had a nice chat with a good friend online, wrote some important emails, found a strong leader in the quest for a boy's name (just in case), helped make dinner from Scotty's rolling office chair, took a shower, put puzzles together with Natty and am blog writing! One of the nicest parts of the day was when a new neighbor friend called up and said, "I have some time right now if you want me to come over and look at your sewing machine." I had been in the middle of a simple project when the tension got all messed up (yes, maybe I twisted a screw a lot at some point) and I couldn't fix it. So, she and her husband came over, brought cake, and fixed my machine. While we were chatting, another family from the neighborhood showed up with a loaf of bread and jello (?) and spent about 45 mins with us! I felt so loved and so thankful for these friends who don't mind walking over at anytime to say "hi" and offer their assistance in any way possible. I called a different neighborhood friend this morning to see if Natty could go play with her girls (there was a big strike today- no school) and she said she'd take her for the whole day if we wanted! Wow...such generosity. So, it was a good day and if everyday is like this, I think we'll be alright.

Post-cerclage, Part 2

2011-09-15T06:53:00.002-04:00

I was up early at the clinic this morning. It's hard to sleep with all that is swirling around in my head. The nurses seem to have awoken as well- there is clinking and walking and buzzing and ringing outside of my door and I was expecting someone to come in at any moment to pump something else into my arm or give me some other pill to take. And, I was thinking about every day of the rest of this pregnancy and how I was going to do it. Not good. I had a visit from my doctor last night who begged me, several times, to realize how important it is to "take it easy". She explained that upon seeing my cervix, she realized how very short it already is and that I basically need to be a some form of bed rest from now on. I kept asking questions as to what this means: could I shower? could I cook? could I leave the house? She gave me permission to leave the house maybe once a week for Scotty to take me for a drive. But basically, I need to lay down wherever I am and try not to get up or walk around most of the day. How does one do this??? I have an almost 3 year old who needs me and wants things and wants to play. What if she needs my help in the bathroom? What if I forgot to get something out of my room that I needed? The feeling that I've already been experiencing of being slightly nervous about every movement I make is just going to intensify. And how do I go to the park for Natty's birthday party next week?! That's something that will be very sad to miss. And that brings up this whole other topic- missing things. We're leaving for the states in a month and a half. I've dreamed of spending time with my family at the library, stores, restaurants we like, parks, etc... I'm going to miss all of that! Instead, I'll be confined to the house- to the couch. Yes, this does very much sound like complaining to me too. Please know these are the first moments of this news really starting to settle in and it's a pretty hard blow to take. I have a lot of work to do to really change my perspective on this pregnancy. With Natty, I lived a very normal, active lifestyle and had no problems. With Zion, the same until unexpected, sudden things started happening at 28 weeks. It's very hard to grasp an entire pregnancy of limits, pretty strict limits. But, I've already realized as I did before that I'm just going to have to take things a day at a time. I want to be thankful for the new child God has given us and make myself resolute in doing whatever it takes, at whatever cost to me and my family, for this baby to be born healthy. As I say that, however, I balk at the idea of my husband and daughter suffering because of my limitations. I will not be available for Natty like she would want me to be or like I want to be. I will have to call upon Scotty to do far more than he already does for us, which is quite a bit. They, too, will have to sacrifice. There's a verse people quote from the Bible quite frequently that says something about God not giving you more than you can bear. That verse does not exist. I think they're thinking of 1 Corinthians 10:13, which says something different. God gives us things we can't bear all the time so that we will come to Him and let Him bear them for us. This is one of those times the Lord is asking me again to come to Him and let Him take this burden and give me a greater portion of grace to thrive in this situation. I'm not sure how we'll do it but I know this isn't as surprising to Him as it is to me and He's got something worked out already. I must rest in that and know that He cares for my family more than I can. Thanks for listening to me work out what are my first thoughts of all of this...they probably aren't too pretty.

Post-cerclage, Part 1

2011-09-14T11:54:00.005-04:00

I'm sitting in the hospital bed with the constant banging of construction outside of my window. But, I am comfy (although quite hungry) and have a TV and wi-fi so it doesn't get much better than this if you have to be in the clinic. The procedure was a bit rough, a bit scary, but went fine as far as I'm aware. My doctor only commented to me that my cervix is quite short and I'm really going to need to take it easy. When I find out what that means, exactly, it will probably be reported in part 2 of this post. For now, I am scanning back through a biography I just read the other day when I was stuck in the blockades on Horatio Spafford who wrote the hymn, It is Well With My Soul. This hymn has impacted me more in the last year than ever before, as I resonate with this man's choice to believe God is good and loving in the face of severe suffering. My loss is nothing compared with the 5 children he lost and other persecutions he faced (from the Christian community, no less!). But, we have shared the same sadness, the same questions, the same process of coming to trust again in the Lord's complete control and loving kindness in our lives. I have sang the words of that song to myself many times, desiring to bring my soul again to a place of rest and faith when things are scary and out of my control. Like right now... The surgery is over but the fear that I will bleed and lose the baby or have to be on bed rest for 6 months and not be able to get out and enjoy the glories of the US that I love so much (nice parks, libraries, church!) threaten to get a hold of my mind and bring me to a dark place. So, as I have done almost every day of this pregnancy so far, I fight to control my thoughts and think on whatever is true and lovely and noble, realizing overall is the perfect plan of God that can not be thwarted. I am grateful for friends here that are willing to do anything for me, for neighbors who worry excessively (a bit too much at times) about me and offer to do anything they can, including coming to our apartment at 6:30 this morning to stay with Natty while we came to the hospital. Once again, I see God's hand in surrounding us with this amazing community that we too often fail to appreciate enough until we become dependent on them. So, thanks again for praying, and I'll keep you updated!

Another big adventure

2011-09-12T20:10:00.003-04:00

So, I leave Natty once again with Feli this morning for a "quick" trip to the city to drop off some stuff with the doctor. I find it strange that there isn't a whole lot of public transportation going into the city and decide to take one of the slower options cause I just need to get there. As we approach one of the major highways that all the buses take to get up into the city, there is a large march happening. I chuckle/groan inwardly at how easy it is for whomever to take over a major highway to protest whatever the flavor of the month is. We take some side roads and make it relatively quickly into the city. Then, I wait for eons for my doctor, learn some unsettling news (like I'll be at least one night, if not two in the clinic after my cerclage), and then head back out to grab public transport down. It's past lunch at this point, so I call Feli to tell her I'm on my way. As we approach the same section of town where there were marches, things get hairy. Now, all traffic is turning off the main road and creeping even higher up the side of the mountain to find back roads. Traffic quickly congests and the combo of a police truck 2 vehicles ahead, filled with armed, shielded police men and my bus driver turning off his engine make me think we're not getting anywhere soon, and I'm not sure I want to get where I'm going anyway if these heavily clad cops have anything to do with it. The minibus becomes silent except for the occasional grumbles of the driver saying that traffic isn't moving and it's not going up or down the intersecting street we are trying to reach. I hop off with some other passengers, hoping that nearby there'll be a break in the traffic where I can grab a cab. As I head down to the main avenue, I notice that all cars, everywhere, have stopped. People have turned off their motors and passengers from most public transport vehicles are spilling out onto the streets and wandering about like ants who have just had water thrown on their hill. I head in the direction of my car, about a mile or so down the road. As I walk, I realize that walking a mile, under normal circumstances, would have been quite pleasant, but is not a major "no-no" according to my doctor. I'm paranoid to walk to the little store around the corner from my house so this trek seems like too much. I call Scotty, who is far off in the jungle, to inform him of the chaos. Without even realizing it, God had worked things out ahead of time (as He does so well) to have me pop out right about at the street where one of our missionary families live. Scotty tells me not to walk to the car, but to walk to their house. So, I head up, noticing a large crowd of angry looking Bolivians holding signs and yelling obscenities...small children in tow. I stand a half block away, wondering if I should ask the phone repairmen next to me if they think it's wise to cross through. I decide to pray and walk quickly, not making eye contact. They ignore me as I hike uphill and turn a corner onto our friends' street. I'm praying they're home, realizing that after I hung up with Scotty, my phone was out of credit and there was no way to call anyone else. I ring the doorbell and the happy face of Kep pops out and invites me in with a smile, offers me lunch and refuge for as long as necessary. Hooray! So, I spend the next 3 hours or so with them, eating, reading, chatting and really wanting to be home with Natty. Periodically, we look outside their front door to see cars lining the streets at a dead standstill. An hour later, some of those guys have parked on the sidewalk and left their cars. Debbie takes a few of them who have been trying to get home to lunch for 2 hours some chocolate cake. She walks to the corner and finds the protesters have taken to sitting in the middle of the street and there is not a single back street that has not been blocked. This is pretty rare for this area of town and we're surprised by how no one seemed to know this was going to happen (usually blockades are actually advertised ahead of time, which I find amusing) and how well it was organized. Finally, Kep decides they need to start walking to the place they're supposed to be in an hour and Debbie reminds him that I'm kinda just stuck since I can't walk too far. He takes off to try to find an open spot and a free taxi and calls shortly to tell us he's got one reserved. We head out through the protesters again, the streets are littered with confetti and trash and people are still out in mass, heading every which way. Police have managed to get the protesters out of the main avenue and traffic is trickling through. We hit another mass of either protesters or people looking for rides a block down and then manage to cross through what normally is a busy intersection, but now is grid-locked. Thankfully, the direction we were going was not of interest to anyone- our lane was clear and the one going in the opposite direction was bumper to bumper of motionless vehicles. So, we make it to the taxi without having to walk too far and I'm off safely to my car which is parked in a part of town where there is next to never any issues. Then, I'm home 15 minutes later and so happy!! I left Natty at 9:30 in the morning, telling her I wouldn't be long and end up home by 4:30 in the afternoon. I've seen, tried to pass and been turned back by blockades before, but I think this is the first time I've been stuck in the middle of one! Hopefully, it will be the last for a while.

Big victories

2011-09-09T10:50:00.002-04:00

I'm scheduled for a cerclage on Wednesday. For those of you who don't know what that is, I'll spare you the details and let you google it for yourself. A few weeks ago when I had my check-up with my OBGYN, she mentioned I would need a blood test and an ultrasound before we do the cerclage. However, she didn't bother to tell me what kind of blood test or give me any information regarding it. There's no call you receive from the dr.'s office to follow up with your upcoming procedure and make sure you have what you need in order. There's just you- making sure you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. So, I called my dr. this week to ask her what blood test I needed, since I wanted to be sure I had plenty of time to have the test done and receive the results before Wednesday morning. She's in a conference and won't be around until Monday, the voice on her cell phone informs me. Hmmm...that only leaves 2 days before the procedure for me to have the blood drawn and tested. Initially, I thought I'd wait and do what I could Monday, but my fore planning nature got the best of me and I decided to call the voice again and see what she could do for me. Now, before I continue on, the point of this blog is that all of this is a bit intimidating to me. All these interactions are done in Spanish and are a bit out of my comfort zone, as sometimes I'm not sure what or who to ask and how much to persist in trying to figure out what is supposed to be going on. On that note, I continue. So the voice explains that she's just the secretary (after I asked her if she was a doctor) and she gave me the number of the doctor who is taking my doctor's emergency calls this week. I call him and just as I'm about to hang up after a dozen rings, he answers, surely still in bed. I ask if he is the dr. I am looking for. He affirms, snorts a bit of phlegm into the voice piece (is that necessary?) and asks what I want. I explain that I am a patient of my doctor, that I'm having a cerclage on Wednesday, that I know I need a blood test, but I don't know which one. Would he happen to know?? (This is sounding even more ridiculous as I type). He's quiet for a moment, says he has no idea, and then guesses that it must be a standard, pre-op set of tests. He rattles them off to me (this is where my Spanish becomes quite lacking) and I ask if he can call my lab and dictate those to them. He tells me to have them call him when I get there. So, in the car, to the lab. Then, I'm sitting in front of the secretary in the lab saying, "I need a blood test. You have to call this doctor and explain to him that I am a patient of Dr. Zelada and am having a cerclage and he will tell you what I need. No, he doesn't know my name, but I just talked to him this morning. He is covering her patients while she's in a conference. No, I'm not sure if these are the tests that I need, I didn't really understand what he told me." Oh, my. She tries to call, but he doesn't answer. She says they'll take enough blood to do all the tests and then confirm with him later. So, while I'm getting stuck, I hear her on the phone confirming and all is worked out. Praise God! And, I find out it will be ready by tomorrow morning. So, I actually could have waited until my doctor was back in the office to tell me for sure what she wanted, but this way I can take up all of what I have for her to see on Monday and have everything set for the big day.

This was a huge accomplishment for me. To overcome my fear of talking to random doctors who don't know me and try to explain my unique situation is a big deal for me. Scotty is out of town and I'm feeling nervous about leading women's Bible study tonight, but I managed to make it happen and now I feel relief. Yay for the big victories.

Today.

2011-09-06T14:46:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I've left Mallasilla. Maybe about a week or so? I get to where I just feel so worn out that I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything away from home. Which means I've been in the house with Natty...A LOT. We've gone downstairs a few times to play in the bucket of water and once took a short walk to the nearby park, but I'm a bit limited physically in this pregnancy, so I haven't ventured to do much that requires a lot of effort. Today I decided I would leave her with our wonderful house help and make a short trip to the grocery store. What a relaxing trip! The weather is warmer now and the store is mostly empty mid-morning. I had a quiet drive there and then wandered leisurely up and down the aisles, mostly convincing myself I didn't need chocolate or ice cream or any other junk in the house. Then I rang up, had the bag boy carry the groceries to the car, and quietly drove home. I love being alone and quiet! My soul yearns for that time away from everything, even if it's just a 10 minute drive in the car. Sometimes I wonder if I don't enjoy being away from people too much. It can clash with ministry opportunities from time to time.

So, I continue to experience a lot of mental battles with regards to the pregnancy. I realized the other day that I was focusing so much on the "what ifs?" of the future that I wasn't noticing that God was giving me each day so far without complication. So, I made a mental note to begin each day asking the Lord to protect my unborn child and ending each day with thanks for doing just that. And, trying very hard not to think about anything any further than today. That has been very helpful and taken away a fair amount of concern. And, I must thank God for continually giving me renewed faith in His love and concern for us. My greatest desire, as with Zion, is that He will be seen as glorious through the journey with this new life.

Hotel Europa

2011-08-31T16:12:00.003-04:00

Scotty and I decided to spend a night in a nice hotel downtown to celebrate our anniversary. We've never left Natty overnight with anyone before, so this was a big deal for all of us. Thankfully, we have some good missionary friends that live in Mallasilla and have a little 3-year old daughter who were happy to add to an already full house. We happily left her there to play and drove up in time to check-in and have a yummy buffet-style lunch. Our main reason for choosing this hotel was that they have a nice pool/spa/sauna area that is warm and comfy and relaxing. Since we live in La Paz, we had no desire to be outside the hotel much to see anything cause we've seen it all a million times before. After lunch we headed up to our room to digest. We found that the hotel was more than willing to give us the honeymoon special, which included a beautiful bouquet of flowers, his and hers robes, roses in the bathroom, rose petals and salts for the bath, chocolate covered strawberries and an entire bottle of champagne (which we didn't open since I'm pregnant and Scotty's not a big fan) and breakfast in bed (which we skipped so we could engorge at the buffet instead). All of this costs less than a normal night for two in the hotel! Doesn't make much sense, but a no-brainer for us. After sprawling on the bed for a bit, we felt like we were capable of moving again so we grabbed our suits and books and went downstairs to hit the indoor pool. When we came out of the elevator, we saw it was dark in the pool area. Upon checking, we were informed the pool is closed on Tuesdays- ALL DAY. Scotty and I exchanged angry/disappointed/unbelieving stares and sulked back to our room. I actually cried. The whole point of getting away and leaving Natty was to just relax and enjoy the amenities of the hotel. The idea of sitting in a hotel room, listening to the continual screams from the huge school below us, until dinner time, was not what we were going for. It was interesting to watch each other respond, both of us feeling like we are so frequently disappointed in a similar manner by things in Bolivia, and think about the counseling seminar we were just a part of. We learned that when the heat of life is pressing on you, you either have thorn tree responses (which I was struggling with) or fruit tree responses, which is due only to the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. We wanted to have fruit tree responses and I think we eventually got there- but we had to wrestle with a fair amount of irritation first. So, once we decided to stay and make the most of it (we were about to call the whole thing off), we had a great time. We read, we walked to a nearby coffee shop, I took a bath- the afternoon passed quite nicely. Then we went upstairs to a snazzy restaurant with live piano player and had a delicious dinner- best I've had in a long time. One of the things I was looking forward to the most was not being woken up at 6:30 by "mommymommymommymommy!" Of course, I expected to still wake up pretty early, as my body is now trained, but it sure was nice to just be able to lay there for a while before actually getting up. After another eating frenzy at breakfast we were happy to lay around for the rest of the morning and finish up the books we had brought. Then we actually were able to make it for an hour to the pool, order a quick lunch, and jet. What a nice time we had talking about important things, talking about not important things, playing Boggle, reading, resting, eating. I loved having Scotty to myself for a day and just doing whatever we wanted to do. After a busy last month, it was a much-needed time away.

Six years.

2011-08-27T15:02:00.002-04:00

Today Scotty and I celebrate 6 years of marriage. Usually on this day, I look back over the last year to contemplate all that has happened and all that we have been through. I could have never guessed the roller coaster year that God had in store for us. Friends recently asked if we felt we had grown in our marriage through losing Zion and everything that followed. I think that time will show the ways that God has brought us to a deeper place in our relationship than we could have gotten to otherwise. One thing I can say is that my extreme sadness, tears, fears, doubts, anger, questions, and apathy brought out amazing qualities in Scotty that I had only a glimpse of before. Throughout the hard times, and they were terribly hard, Scotty was solid. He was patient with me. He let me cry for hours- sometimes leaving me alone, sometimes letting me soak his shirts. He didn't have any trite answers. He told me it would be OK when I didn't think it ever would again. He almost never pushed me to get "better" before I was ready. He talked about Zion. He held the house together when I didn't have the strength. He took care of Natty when I just wanted to sleep. He treated me with long-suffering that only a depth of love can when the darkness had settled and was not planning on lifting for any time soon. I am so grateful for this godly man that the Lord allowed me to walk through this short journey of life with. He challenges me to be a wife that reflects Christ and every day I pray that I might be more gracious, more forgiving, more submissive, more respectful- that my actions may further build the bond of "oneness" that is unique to marriage. After I woke up this morning, I thought how incredible it is that God led Scotty to his future wife only a month after embarking on this Bolivian adventure, and me to my future husband in only 6. He has been so good, so faithful to us and I trust He will continue to be all the days of our lives. I thank Him for allowing me 6 amazing, beautiful years with a man better than I could have imagined. I love you Scotty Miser!!

Life continues

2011-08-17T15:05:00.003-04:00

I'm already unbuttoning my pants when I sit down. Is this normal at 9 weeks?? They say you get rounder faster with each pregnancy and I suppose I never regained the normal flat belly after Zion, but, really? The lady that cut my hair today asked me if this was my first child, before I mentioned that I was pregnant! How did she know??

Scotty and I said "see you later" to Coty and Beth Pinckney yesterday. We were very blessed by their visit and even though I was struggling with a fair amount of nauseousness and lots of sleepiness, I enjoyed every conversation and hug and meal and play time with Natty and time spent learning new sewing techniques. It was a great reminder of how intimately God can weave the body of Christ together, even when thousands of miles separate us. It was good to share the challenges of ministry and the great joys as well and be encouraged that what God has called us here to do is worth it and that it is good to be a part of God's kingdom coming on earth. Since we hadn't had a date for a couple of weeks, Scotty and I took advantage of our house help being here to watch Natty and went on a lunch date today. We decided to go downtown and check out a nice hotel where we've decided to celebrate our upcoming anniversary and eat at a beautiful cafe next door. The food was scrumptious and we were within walking distance of our favorite donut shop for a special treat afterward. I appreciate Scotty and the way he is willing to talk to me about everything and anything and the way he desires to be a better husband.

There is still much peace in my heart about the pregnancy. I give God all the glory for that- He knows that my tendency is fear and that many people would not blame me for it. But, He has graciously allowed me and is helping me to trust Him daily, even in those moments when something seems "off" in my body and I wonder if it is a forewarning of something bad. I still have moments when I'd really like to be out of Bolivia and dealing with the whole pregnancy in the states but have also come to strongly believe that whatever happens here is completely in God's hands and He has the power to control even how my doctor chooses to treat me. I pray often for wisdom as there looms ahead another surgical procedure to close up my womb, but still feel OK that the same doctor does that procedure. I can't say that I've thought or dreamed as much about this child as I have the others, but I hope as time goes on, the freedom and confidence to imagine this baby as part of our family will return. So, I fight to walk by faith and not by sight and to know that God is enough.

The news.

2011-08-06T19:58:00.003-04:00

Well, now that the Facebook world has received the news that I'm expecting again, I can finally blog about the things that have been on my mind and heart in the last month that I've known. It's been hard to not blog about it! Let me tell you, nothing prepared me for the emotions and the fears that would flood over me upon realizing that I was indeed pregnant. We didn't really expect it to happen so fast and when it did, my first reaction was sadness. This seems contrary to what most people feel when they find out they're having a baby, but this was the overwhelming emotion. Mainly, it was just another reminder that Zion was gone and that I would never be carrying him in my womb. That's what I really wanted- was to somehow be able to put him back inside and keep going. I didn't want another person in there. A day or so after that, the fear set in. And it was strong. I was convinced I would miscarry or that the baby wouldn't make it full term or all manner of terrible things. But, it wasn't like a passing thought that I would deal with and it would go away for a time- it was constant. I had a total lack of joy and really a hard time even thanking God for this pregnancy because I was totally wanting to protect myself from the possible pain that could incur. It was not pretty. I spent a couple weeks just praying constantly for the Lord to give me peace and help me not to worry or wonder if I could go through all of this again. Out of the blue one day, I really felt that God met with me and put my heart at ease. He also convicted me quite a bit about the tendency I had to reserve my praise and thanksgiving to Him until I was more sure that things were going well. Life is a gift from the Lord and a miracle, but I was not receiving it as such. I wanted to hold on to and nurture my fear because I felt that once I started really believing things would be OK, they wouldn't be. God showed me first, my lack of faith, and then how I was really stealing from Him the glory He deserves for this unmerited gift. I should be rejoicing and sharing with the world how good my God is and showing them how worthy He is to be trusted with all things. My greatest hope with Zion's death was that his short life would not be wasted. Through him, I have learned to trust God in a whole new way, more deeply. And, I have learned to believe that He is a kind and loving Father, even when what happens in our lives doesn't feel like that. But, I wasn't living that out in this pregnancy and so forgetting one of the great things that Zion's life taught me. I know there will be a long road ahead and I am not always comfortable with Bolivia's medical system but I know that my God is with me and that He will work for my good.

So, that's the short of it. On the practical side, I find myself confined a lot to the house again- fighting the all-day yuck feeling and extreme tiredness. I half expected to see twins during our recent ultrasound because I was feeling so tired all the time, more so than I remember with the other pregnancies. What we saw instead was a tiny little baby- about a week younger (barely 7) than we thought- but with a clear heartbeat. That was a happy moment. Natty is excited about the idea of a brother or sister- mostly, a sister these days. Scotty and I are excited about the idea of going home in November to carry out the last half of the pregnancy there where I can be monitored more carefully and deliver in a place with higher medical standards. It will be wonderful to spend the holidays with family and to finally be able to shop in the US for baby stuff. :) So, I welcome your prayers for whatever God has for us ahead and look forward to rejoicing together when our new one is finally in our arms, even while we continue to hold tightly to Zion in our hearts.

SIM conference

2011-07-06T21:04:00.002-04:00

Last week we attended our yearly SIM conference where all the missionaries in Bolivia gather together for a time of sharing, learning from the Word, games, times of prayer and lots of eating. We went to a new venue this year- a retreat center that used to be a boarding school and is a 5-9 hour bus ride between 2 major cities (neither of which is La Paz). Since we needed to go either to Cochabamba or Santa Cruz to catch a bus to camp, we chose Santa Cruz since neither of us have spent much time there and there were several families we hoped to spend some time with. So, we left 4 days early and managed to enjoy our time with those families, despite rain and very cold temps. I guess it actually helped us to be stuck indoors because if it were warm and sunny, like it is most of the year in Santa Cruz, we would have been out swimming and playing in water parks instead of hanging out with people. Then we boarded the bus and took off for Monte Blanco and a wonderful time of fellowship with our SIM family. I have always appreciated the diversity of our crew- in cultural, in personality, in backgrounds, in time on the field, etc. I have always felt loved but sensed that in a new way this year after our experience with Zion. We were able to see many that we had not seen since he was born and hear how often they had prayed for us and thought of us. I was moved to tears several times by people I know very little who have faithfully prayed and was reminded again of God's love for me shown through His servants.

One of my favorite evenings was when a group of us hiked up to a landing strip nearby to star gaze. I'm not sure I've ever seen so many starts, so clearly. The Milky Way, the southern cross, the big dipper. And this strange mix of feelings. At one moment I would feel, as cliche as it sounds, so small in comparison to this universe of stars and planets and creation that is so much greater than this world that fills my mind from day to day. And when I looked out at those stars, it was as if Zion was on the other side- billions of light years away from me. I never felt farther from him. Than, a nanosecond later, I would feel as if I was so close to the heavens that at any moment he might see me and wave. Before we hiked back down to camp, we sang the doxology and my heart was brought to praise again, despite how I might feel.

On a lighter note, a good third of our SIM Bolivia staff have gotten hooked on a board game called Settlers of Catan and so we decided to hold the first annual Settlers tournament. We didn't have enough time to really get too many games going that counted, but we had a lot of practice rounds and really enjoyed that. Natty had a blast in her "class" every morning and most afternoons and really seemed to come out of her shell around the other kids and the adults too. She's at a really fun age right now and a lot of people commented on how good, calm, and flexible she is. And it's true, mostly. I am so thankful for that.

Women's Bible study

2011-06-04T14:47:00.003-04:00

I have to admit- there have been times in my life here in Bolivia where I just wonder why God has me here. I sometimes feel that I don't measure up as a missionary (I'm not always using the right standard) and have periods where I don't see any fruit from relationships I have with Bolivian women. That said, our Women's Bible study has been such a source of encouragement in this last year. We are currently going through a Beth Moore study called Jesus the One and Only, which has been insightful and challenging. Pretty much all the application questions she asks bring up issues revolving around Zion's death and the ensuing pain, but they are so good. One particular day in last weeks study talked about the healing of the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years and raising Jairus's daughter from the dead. Beth made the point of how limitless Christ's power is and had us write out all of the things that are facing us right now where we need to see God's hand at work in a mighty way. I had a fairly good number of them. Then, we were to read each one out and repeat to ourselves, "the power of Christ is sufficient". What a helpful and practical habit! I've found myself the rest of this week, as I've begun to worry about one thing or another, repeating, "the power of Christ is sufficient" and that brings so much peace! We got together in small groups at the end of the study and answered a few personal questions and then prayed for each other. One of the ladies in my group began coming to our church after everything happened with Zion and she wasn't aware of his existence. It felt so strange to tell her about this son that we had last year who died, in a calm voice- as if it had happened long in the past and I was over it. I felt like I wanted to explain to her how very much a part of my current life he is and yet I rejoiced in being able to share how much God has done in my heart. So, I am thankful for women's Bible study, for the friendships I have there and the openness. It often makes me feel that there's a reason for being here.

Still missing Zion...

2011-05-26T14:09:00.002-04:00

We got back from another trip to Cochabamba yesterday. I decided to go with Scotty to his quarterly (they've been a bit more frequent recently) mission meetings because I was hoping to see 2 sets of people- one, a great couple that will hopefully be joining our team after they are done with language school and became instant grandparents to Natty when they were here for a visit less than a year ago; and two, a dear old friend and her family who was in Cochabamba for a visit. We set up with several mission families to spend Sunday at the lake outside of town where SIM owns a cabin. The spot is quiet, still and has a great yard for the kids to play in. There were 4 toddlers on site that day, so it wasn't as still and quiet as it could have been, but Natty didn't once complain of being tired even though she missed her afternoon nap all together. It was good to spend some time with these families that we enjoy so much but rarely get to see because of living in different cities. It was fun to watch Natty interact with other kids and do things she loves to do. I was thankful to be a part of a mission in which we are all different but all loving and serving Bolivia.

The few days passed quickly enough with good interactions with the very people I went to see. Natty had the time of her life, as usual, in the yard at the guest house. She was barefoot in the warm fall weather from morning to night and her feet were black with dirt all day. Up to this point, she has never been interested in swings at the playground, but she decided finally that she loves them and spent hours swinging on the tire swing in the backyard. I just enjoyed being outside in the warm days and mild nights. Nothing too exciting to report. Before we knew it, it was time to board the plane back to La Paz. Natty told me she was sad we were leaving...:( I found myself sitting in the airport, sad as well. But, not because we were leaving Cochabamba. For some reason, out of the blue, I felt so intensely the absence of my son. The memories of the few, precious days with him came flooding back. The momentary feeling of holding him- the desire to do it again. The longing to have him as a part of our lives. It was all so strong, so real. Sometimes those feelings seem to be in the background- always there- but less intense. Yesterday, they moved up to the foreground again. I'm thinking about him a lot today. I'm wondering if this will be how it is for the rest of my days. It's nice that those thoughts are just sad- they aren't angry or questioning or doubting or bitter-usually... God has given me a strong peace, a lack of answers in some regards, but peace and trust. I am thankful to Him for that because I know it is only from Him that it comes. I've seen the depths of my natural man and it is only God that can bring light there. He is good.

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T13:27:00.003-04:00

The last few days have been full of some tough memories. Not really because of mother's day, since we celebrate a different day in Bolivia, so I wasn't really even aware until I started noticing posts on facebook. Instead, I have a very dear friend in town that I haven't seen for 2 years and we took her and her family over to our land where Zion is buried to show them his grave. She had brought a rock from her home to place on the special spot and then we spent some time talking about the events of his death and the days following. It was as if we were reliving those days together, crying together, grieving together- something we couldn't do when it was all happening but somehow came naturally at that moment. It was a special time to share together, but left me feeling heavy that evening and so much more aware than I have been for a long time how much I miss my little boy and how hard it is to deal with disappointed dreams. I woke up today, 6 months exactly after Zion died, still feeling the weight of sadness that can consume everything else in life. Thankfully, the depth of those hard emotions don't last as long as they used to, and I began feeling better after spending some time playing with Natty and hanging out with Scotty. I was nervous about the plans we had later this morning to go back to the clinic where I was on bed rest to pick up my medical history. I knew seeing that place for the first time since I left- a place where I had prayed and hoped for the life of my child, where I felt sure that I could keep him inside for long enough, and where I also experienced a tremendous amount of fear- would be hard. So, with Natty and Scotty along for moral support, we entered into the quiet clinic and searched around for someone to help us. The place is small and not busy because of the nature of the business (plastic surgery), so Scotty had to wander down a hall to find a nurse. Just the nurse, it happens, that took such good care of me and encouraged me that all would turn out all right in the end. I even told her I'd come back one day with my little boy and show him off to her. But, it turns out that I returned empty handed and had to see that look again that so many people have shown me when I answer their question of, "how is the baby??" with a shake of my head and an explanation that he didn't survive. Then I saw the doctor that took care of me, and even the girl who brought me food. They were all there and it felt like I had been wheeled out only yesterday. Scotty and Natty went out into the yard to play while I waited inside for them to find my records. I contemplated all that has happened since then and was thankful for the peace that has replaced most of the anger, the fear, the hurt and the confusion. Those feelings still come from time to time, but the deep faith that God has given me through the journey outweighed what I knew to be the natural reactions of a sad mommy. I know God is with us, I know He loves us, I know He loves my son and my family, I know He was in it all. I don't feel the need to ask "why?" anymore, even though I never got a clear answer. At least I can see more clearly now the gift God has given me in the pain- an ability to trust Him more, a recognition of how desperately I need to cling to Him alone, an understanding that my life is in His hands and out of my control.

IBM Camp 2011

2011-05-02T21:10:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting in bed listening to the ongoing festivities to celebrate both Bolivia's labor day and Mallasilla's anniversary. Across the town from us, in front of the Catholic church, is the yearly 3-day drunk fest, complete only with extremely loud music, dancing and partying into the wee morning hours. Thankfully, we missed the majority of it since our IBM camp fell on these dates this year, but it looks as though we'll have to hear a few more hours of drunk ballads before it's all said and done. We got a late start leaving camp and the fog set in just a bit into the uphill return to La Paz. This particular road, nestled between high mountains and deep ravines, is prone to getting fogged in and being fairly dangerous. It was about dusk when we hit this, so before long it was densely foggy and dark. As we neared the cumbre, the highest point in the department of La Paz, the sky began to drop freezing rain and the road soon became covered in a layer of ice. The defrost on our 1995 Toyota Caldina doesn't work, so Scotty spent about half an hour wiping the inside of the windshield with a paper towel and driving about 10mph. We were both pretty tense and praying without ceasing. Following somewhere behind us were 2 bus fulls of campers and several other personal vehicles carrying our beloved church family. God led us through safely and we are praying He did the same for them as well.

Camp was a blast. There was very unseasonal rain and/or cloudiness for most of the 3 days in the jungle, but at least it kept the temps down. Bugs were at a minimal as well. We had a variety of people this year, including a group of about 25 shoe shiners who are being reached through a ministry some good friends of ours started called Kayuparu. They brought a lively dynamic and with about 7 of them on our team, we won the games competition. Bolivians can get pretty stuck on the fact that Scotty is almost 2 meters (6'8" ft.) tall, so decided our team should be called the giants. We quickly found out that another team had named themselves the same, so we ended up being the midgets- the jokes were endless... Besides hilarious games, our pastor spoke twice on the book of Joshua and the devoted Christian life, we ate lots, we waited around lots for food to be prepared, we chatted and got to know each other better. Today we had a special time of baptism. It never fails to move me to see the lives that the Lord has changed in drastic ways. The pastor's brother and his wife were baptized, both recently coming to the Lord. The wife became interested in spiritual things first and quickly began soaking up the Word and the change in her life was quick, obvious and dramatic. Her simple and deep faith is amazing to see. She began to pray for her husband and, although it took a bit of time, he came out of the water today with his hands raised in the air in triumph and joy. I think we were all in tears as he hugged his brother, our pastor, in gratitude. 2 shoe shiners were also baptized- young men who have years ahead to experience the power of God's amazing grace in lives that were so very lost. It's such a gift to see the way God has been at work in people in our church and is bringing new people in continually through His moving in their hearts. Every year I'm excited about church camp, but a bit nervous because I fight my own desire for punctuality, comfort and a bug free existence. But every year the Lord reorganizes my priorities and encourages me in the work we are a part of- because He is the one ultimately who is doing it and it is beautiful.

Day trips

2011-04-25T15:03:00.004-04:00

The last week has been a busy one, but fun. Wednesday we decided to take the two youngest daughters of our house help to the jungle. They love Natty and Natty loves them and they all love monkeys...perfect! So, we drove down the windy road with several thousand feet drop-offs on one side until we arrived at the Green Path- an animal rescue/lunch/hostel place. We toured around to see the various tucans and parrots, one friendly cotimundi, a ton of turtles, some guinea fowl and a couple friendly monkeys. We all got our chance to hold the monkeys- one big, black one and one tiny squirrel one- the girls were enchanted. After lunch we went down to the river, found a quiet spot, and splashed around in the water for an hour or so. Again, the girls were delighted. The ride back was a pretty quiet one with the girls sacked out in the back and a steady climb back to altitude. Friday, a friend from church who lives in the neighborhood called to invite us to lake Titicaca for the day to eat trout. Since Scotty was preaching on Sunday, we left him home to work while Natty and I joined our friends and another family from church for the drive out. Traffic was heavy since Holy Week is a big travel week here, but we made it to the hotel on the water where we enjoyed a tasty lunch and then time out in the yard out back to play and look at the gorgeous blue lake. It was a perfect day- warm enough to be comfortable but always with a cool breeze. We got a short boat ride and I enjoyed spending time with 2 ladies while Natty played with the other kids. Easter Sunday I was helping out with the toddlers Sunday school while Scotty preached. We invited our pastor and his family over for lunch and they hung around into the evening. We introduced them to Easter egg hunting, which their 4 year old and Natty greatly enjoyed, and spent the rest of the afternoon eating and chatting. It was good to see the 2 kids interacting, even though neither one had much of an idea of what the other was saying. Kids don't seem to mind these things.

Yesterday I saw my doctor. It was the first time since shortly after Zion died that I had seen her and it took a fair amount of mental exercise to not let myself slip into a dark place as everything in her office and she herself remind me of my little boy and his quick life. As I waited in one of the private rooms, I kept reminding myself of how God redeems all things and that I shouldn't expect things to go as poorly next time. However, after chatting about the strict restrictions that she wants me to be guided by and the continual reminder of medical care that just isn't up to American standards, I left a bit concerned and pensive. It's hard not to fear what next time will be like and to realize that living on the 3rd floor will probably keep me mostly housebound. Can I even get pregnant again? How long will it take? So many questions and doubts and fears. Again, I took a moment to remember that God is big and that He is capable of working in a mighty way in our lives and in my body. Fear and doubt is never helpful. Scotty and I long for more children. Natty is anxious for a sibling. And yet, we must wait. What does God have for us in the waiting? I want to learn to be content in Him, not in my circumstances, since I've finally come to understand that they can't always be as I would like them. It's a good and a hard lesson.

Five months

2011-04-09T13:02:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if I don't have some kind of internal clock that can sense when another month has gone by since Zion died. It seems like I'll start having a clump of tough days where I just feel down and I'm thinking more of Zion and than I'll realize that another month has passed since his birth or his death. This week has been particularly difficult and culminated this morning with a good, long cry. I started missing him a lot in the last few days and began to think about him as we took a walk together with Scotty and Natty. One of the tougher aspects of all of this has been the very different ways Scotty and I have individually dealt with it and when moments arise that those differences become more pronounced, the sadness becomes stronger as well. It's hard to walk through the valley of grief with your spouse on a separate path. Anyway, there's this funny thing that happens sometimes when the bad dream feeling goes away and is replaced by that fresh, like-it-happened-yesterday feeling where I am back in the NICU with Zion, praying for him, watching the doctors work on him, riding up the elevator to see him and wondering how he'll look, and then holding him for the first time while he died. I can't make myself feel those things, even when I try, and other times I can't help but be there all over again. It nearly takes my breath away. Anyway, as rough as it is to go through that, even as I cry, I realize it's still a step forward. All that I've heard and read about grief reminds us that things can go from OK to awful in no time at all. So, I like to believe that the intense feelings of sadness are only moving me forward as I continue to work it all out. One thing feels different than it did at the beginning- the ability to believe it will be alright in the end. And, as it always has, the idea of Zion living it up in heaven, avoiding all the suffering we are going through right now, is a happy thought.

We visited a lawyer yesterday who works with adoptions. She didn't have a lot of new things to tell us but helped to confirm what we knew already about the adoption process. One, that it is very long and you're basically at the mercy of the judge to pick out what baby she feels is right for you. You don't see any babies beforehand and you only have the choice of sex and a ball-park age range. Although this lawyer said the children are screened for physical and mental handicaps and that you shouldn't be offered one that has either (what do they do with those kids??), I have heard of foreign adoptive parents finding otherwise. So, we're praying about when to start the process- whether it's something we want to try to start soon or wait a bit on. We're excited about the idea but I have to say I wish there were some things that were a bit clearer to make me feel more in control. I'm a little nervous about getting a child who has been in an orphanage that has a no-touch policy, realizing that a lack of touch can have great negative affects on a child as early as within the first few weeks of life. But, all these things we'll have to trust the Lord on since we don't have much of a choice. It's interesting how he sometimes makes it very clear that we don't have a say, other than the way we choose to respond to a situation. Maybe it's better that way...

Love and Death

2011-03-29T19:52:00.002-04:00

I have been struggling the last few days with understanding- understanding God, His love, His goodness and why Zion had to die. The last few days haven't been those "help me to understand, God" type days, but the kind that are a little more conflicted and blaming. The kind where I don't really want to understand what the truth might be because it's easier just to be mad. I don't like being in this place. I'm part of a forum of woman online who have all lost children and most of them have miscarried or lost infants at least 5 times. They have had to live this nightmare more than once. And we all struggle with the same questions. As I was confronted with such loss, I asked God again, "how do love and death go together??" God immediately quieted my heart as I realized the utter obviousness of the answer to this question. God used the death of His son to display the greatest love for His children. Christ came to a fallen world. His death seemed premature to those around him and it was even accomplished by the hand's of sinful men. I'm sure all who knew and loved Jesus wondered to themselves and each other in those days before He came back to life how God could possibly let that happen. Obviously, Zion's death was not to bring salvation to the world, but I have to believe that just as God displayed His love for us in Christ's death, He has purposed to do that in Zion's as well. God is love and He is incapable of doing something that is not loving. I don't understand the "why" and I might continue to wonder all the days of my life for what reason my son died but my prayer is that God will reveal His love through it and redeem the pain.

Really?

2011-03-26T14:49:00.003-04:00

Please check out this incredible house in the countryside that we passed near the ecology fair. Hot pink. Addidas emblems larger than life on both sides. A strange, different-colored section on the top. Really...what were they thinking?

Ecology fair

2011-03-26T14:19:00.004-04:00

I want to keep people informed of how Scotty and I are doing in this whole grieving process. I find myself, who rarely stops typing to think very hard about what I want to say, feeling a bit void of words or the ability to express where we are right now in this journey. I can confidently say each week is a tiny bit better, but the general malaise that seems to come as you work through losing someone, has stuck. I have felt God's presence in special ways and I have felt the roots of my faith grow a little bit deeper, but I am far from where I hope to be when it is all said and done. I still have some pretty big questions about God and how He chooses to work in our lives and how the acceptance of His control, even in the death of my son, affects my future and the future of our family. I am fighting to believe He is good and that He wants good for us. I am fighting a fatalist few of the future (i.e. why bother praying if God is going to do what He wants anyway?). I can easily spot my faulty theology and the beliefs that are based on fear, but I can't seem to overcome them yet. My hope is that with time, God will make all things right, even the thoughts in my head. There is hope. I believe with all my heart that my life and my family will be forever changed for the better through losing Zion. I believe we will appreciate and glory in our children in a way we never would have before. And, I believe God has made clear to us through this that He's chosen to bring at least one child into our family through adoption. Those are good things that I have hope will happen. So, I lumber on- some days a bit blue and apathetic, other days able to see more clearly the love of God showered on me in so many different ways.

Scotty and I have found a new route up to El Alto, where our airport is located. We gave it a test run the other day and enjoyed the trip up and back through a green, hilly, country community called Achocalla that is resting on the side of the mountain that brings us up almost 2,000ft. from where we live to El Alto. On our way down, we noticed there was an "ecological fair" being held today and so we went with Natty to check it out this morning. We got primo parking at the top of the dirt road that led down to the main plaza where the fair was to be held. We ambled down past grazing sheep and enjoyed a spin around the booths selling fresh produce (picked up some radishes and chard), baked goods, quinoa products (got a nice cake and some dulce de leche with quinoa), cheeses, fresh yogurt, and plants. I think our biggest score was some tasty, low-fat, stevia leaf sweetened, strawberry quinoa yogurt. To our great dismay, we've been informed by those who should know that the stevia sold in Bolivia and "made in Bolivia" is, in fact, not stevia. There are no processing plants here and although the plant is grown in abundance, there is no way to turn it into the little, white, sweet powder that charmed and amazed us. So, we've tossed all our Bolivian "stevia", which has been proven to be nothing more than chemicals (there are no truth in advertising laws in Bolivia). Boo. Anyway, we were happy to learn this yogurt was made with the leaf, and not any sort of refined stevia sugar. We made short work of the small fair and got our fill of free samples and then trudged back up the road to the car. When we got to the small grassy spot where we had parked, we noticed a neat row of cars parked behind us. With about 2 feet in between each car. The nice policeman who had given us permission to park there, when asked why he let a row of cars block us in and what we were to do about it, gave a shrug and said, "Oh...I guess you'll have to wait cause those guys have all gone down to the fair." Realizing that "those guys" could be at the fair for a few minutes or long enough to eat lunch, Scotty set off to ask 200 people who owns the black station wagon blocking us in and if they could come move it. I sat sulking on the side of the road, glaring at the policemen who had no concern for the fact that a whole row of cars were trapped and prayed that Scotty would find the culprits. He came back shortly and admitted that there was no way he would be able to find the owners of the car. However, when he was gone, a couple returning from the fair were loading their goods in the back of the car next to us and we realized they had enough room on the other side to possibly wiggle their way out and give us the room to wiggle out too. We found out they weren't the owners (and didn't know how to drive), but after a bit of begging, they allowed Scotty to take the key and maneuver his way out- a slick, 25-point turn- and then we were free! So, a successful end to a fun trip- but one of those annoying things about living here that I don't think I'll ever get over.

Family day

2011-03-05T15:01:00.004-04:00

We've had a long few weeks. Errands and guests over for meals and helping out friends and play dates and friend dates and meetings and Bible studies and stuff. I've been busier the last 2 weeks then I have been in a long, long time. It's nice, on the one hand, but it doesn't take too long before I find myself anxious and tired and sad and needing some serious downtime. Today begins a 4-day national holiday and we committed as a family to just spend the day together. We woke up and spent an hour or so playing in bed with Natty, drinking coffee, reading books, being silly. That's my favorite family activity. After breakfast we went off for a good walk and a play on the land. Going to the land (the property we own a block from our house) is Scotty's favorite thing to do and he tries to go over and move dirt or chop logs or stir up compost at least once or twice a week. Sometimes Natty goes and plays in the dirt and comes home much dirtier than she would if Mommy were watching her. Today we all decided to go and I spent some time by Zion's grave thinking about him and missing him a lot. Natty brought a rock over to put on his grave and said she wanted to touch him. I do too. Then we spent a half hour or so digging holes with hand shovels and filling them with dirty water than shoveling out mud and making neat patterns in the dirt. I suppose that's what people do who don't have Wii... Natty loved it and it was nice to all be outside together dreaming in our individual ways of what it might be like to have a house there one day. I can't think about the house and not think about Zion being buried next to it instead of playing inside or running around outside with his siblings. But, it was nice to be with Natty next to where he is buried and feel like he was kinda there with us. I went home and cooked up a nice spaghetti and now it's nap time. Scotty is sitting next me on the couch- he's reading me excerpts from a text book on radiant floor heating and I'm reading snippets to him from a blog on adoption. We're getting more serious about adopting down the road and are starting to look into what our options might be. We're very curious about adopting a Bolivian child and know it might mean more headache or heartache or both, from what we've heard, but are hoping we can talk to a lawyer before too long and see what all it entails. I'm not sure what the rest of the day holds, but it's nice to sit and relax with my family and just be. Zion is still continually on my mind and I miss his presence especially on days like this when it's just us.

Snow day.

2011-02-25T14:25:00.004-04:00

Well, not really, but that's what Scotty calls days when there's a strike and public transport and a lot of other things around the city shut down. Most of the time, private vehicles are allowed to circulate, and today was no exception. I wanted to mention a couple interesting things I saw today. The first is something I've seen many times before when the public transport has decided to strike (today they are demanding higher wages/passage fares): men with sticks and rocks standing at the entrance to our neighborhood. What are they doing with those sticks and rocks, you ask? Well, they plan on throwing the rocks at any public transportation vehicle that is running and then taking the driver out and beating him with sticks. Sometimes it's just a threat, sometimes they mean it. I don't want to be around when they mean it. I might have mentioned before that we have a car that is the same make and model as many taxis around here and we are often momentarily mistaken as taxis, i.e., public transportation. I always go very slowly through this intersection when those rock-bearing men are around so they get a good look at my obvious gringa-ness and realize I am no threat to their strike. So- we found all things calm when we arrived downtown and less traffic to deal with. Our purpose was to pick up visas that Scotty was told would be ready today. This is the first time we haven't worked with someone to do our visa paperwork, which usually is better off done through someone else who has connections in immigration and knows how the system works. However, our president is continually changing the system and the people who are working in it, so no one really knows what is going on. Therefore, it's easier to do it yourself, even if it can be a bit of a wild goose chase. Miraculously, he was able to go downtown only 2 or 3 times, collect up all the stuff they asked for, turn it in and they gave him the date it would be done! We went in expecting to pick them up and they said our paperwork had been "under observation" because we were missing 2 very important things. The guy pointed to a sign taped to the glass window that mentioned following up on your paperwork for this very reason. However, it's not a notice you're likely to notice because it's tucked on a window that is usually behind a long line of people doing their own paperwork and you would never have been able to see it, nor do they refer you to it when you turn in your stuff. Also, once Scotty had gathered everything together they asked for, turned it in and gotten a specific date when the visa would be ready, he didn't think it would be necessary to come back and ask, just in case. Right? Not right. So, not such a big surprise and he'll be back on Monday to turn in what should be the last of the requirements. When we got back to the neighborhood, all the men were still around and now burning a tire.

The other interesting thing I saw on the way home was an orphanage. My good friend Andrea had lovingly searched for a place that could take all the milk I had painstakingly pumped and stored while Zion was alive. She had heard of this particular orphanage near where we had lunch and told me that it was surprisingly nice and that all the babies seemed to be clean and happy. A lot of places that take babies don't take awesome care of them and tell their workers not to touch them because once they've experienced touch, they will want more and there isn't enough help to go around- so they don't want all the babies to freak out about it. Sad. Anyway, the most amazing thing about this place is the little turn-box in one of the front windows right along the sidewalk. The home is located on a main drag in town and anyone who wants/needs can tuck their baby in this box and rotate it in toward the inside of the building and walk away. I wish it were so easy to get babies out this same way. Scotty and I have always considered adoption and since we lost Zion, I have wondered if God isn't pushing us again to think about it and act on the desire He has given us. However, we've heard it's next to impossible to adopt from Bolivia as an American. I still think we'll go back to this home and check it out and see if they can hook us up with a lawyer. And maybe, just maybe, they'll have a baby that we can pick up and take home without any hassle...

Redemption

2011-02-14T21:37:00.003-04:00

So, we just got spanked at euchre again by Scotty's parents. We almost won...for real. So, after saying good-bye, I find myself still up after some people have gone to bed- a twist on the usual. I'm not a night person. I've been thinking about writing a blog about something I've been thinking about, but feel like it's one of those ideas that only the tip of your brain grabs a hold of and you're not sure you even totally understand it, much less are you capable of expressing it to other people. But, I'll try. So, I've found as I grieve that it's incredibly helpful to hear the stories of other moms and dads who have lost children as well. The ups and downs they experienced, the lessons learned, the real, rawness of their hearts. I hope my blog will one day serve the same purpose to another poor soul who will forever have a piece of her missing. And then I realize again that even though I can relate to these women, they can't walk in my shoes with me. Grief is a solitary experience. So then I get sad thinking about that and have to remind myself that the Lord is here and that He knows what I am going through. But that feels different because He hasn't written a blog about it... You know what I'm saying? It just doesn't feel as tangible. But I know that the suffering the Lord has endured is completely incomparable to what I am going through now. I was talking to the Lord about this the other day and still wanting to feel convinced that we're in this together. Then I had an idea. It might not be a completely theologically correct one, so bear with me. If Christ's death on the cross was God's plan to redeem man and be a sacrifice for sin once and for all- that must include the effect of sin on the world, right? In other words, because Adam and Eve (who I am really unhappy with right now) chose to disobey God, sin and brokenness entered the world and terrible things happen that aren't in line with God's expressed will- like natural disasters and babies dying. So, when Christ died, was it not only for the sins that people commit but for the terrible things that happen as a result of sin- like Zion's death? If that's the case, as I have always imagined it, at some point as He hung on that cross taking on the sins of all His children from all time, He also took on the death of my son and experienced that pain. So not only does He know it but He's felt it. He's felt what I'm feeling and we're in this together. It's nice to have that great Someone to walk through this with and I pray He will continually strengthen my faith and hope to remember that He is here.

What's new

2011-02-06T14:57:00.004-04:00

Papi and Natty time.

Blackberries!

Cook-out with our favorite Cochabambinos.

Grass at the guesthouse.

Taking off from El Alto- a plateau at 14,000ft.

Well, I don't have much profound to say today...I'll save that for another time when I've had a few quiet moments to think about what might be going on in my mind and heart with regard to Zion.
Today, I'll just fill you in a bit on what we've been up to- just for the sake of those who kindly check my blog and want to know how we are doing. We just returned from 6 days in lovely Cochabamba. The weather was on and off rainy all week, which made for just enough sunny and warm days along with some nice, cooler, rainy days that were perfect for book reading, or when Natty was up, movie watching. Scotty was in meetings for the mission from morning to dinner time, so the in-laws and I enjoyed hanging around the SIM guest house. My favorite part is the beautiful, large, grassy yard. Natty woke up every morning and immediately demanded that we go outside. Most days she could roam with bare feet and would run as fast as her chubby legs would take her to chase after a bird or look for the dog or just because she could. One day, she spent an hour or so throwing her dog to me and then dramatically falling down and rolling around in the grass when she missed catching him as I returned the throw. On one of the walls was a glorious blackberry vine that she would also insist that we pick from anytime she noticed or thought about it. Scotty's parents happily took care of Natty one morning while I went to the used clothing section of the cancha- Cochabamba's enormous market. It was a joy to be by myself and slowly browse the stores without interruption. And, Scotty and I even managed a date at our favorite restaurant. Other than this trip, we have been mostly around the house or nearby running errands. Every room in our apartment now has a couple painted walls, thanks to my father-in-law and Natty continues to enjoy the extra playmates that our parents have been to her. IBM's women's Bible study started up last week with a whopping 20 ladies in attendance! We'll be studying Beth Moore's Jesus the One and Only in Spanish and I'm looking forward to getting back in touch with some of the women from church through this time together every 2 weeks. I also feel like Spanish sounds like a foreign language again because of how much time I've been with my English speaking family and really need the speaking outlet. Natty is as pleasant as ever- we are oh so grateful for the lovely personality God has given her. She has just started the "why" phase- asking that often complicated question about half the time we tell her something. She loves Clifford books, playing in dirt and water, taking walks, sculpting with play-doh, eating and dancing/singing. She's starting to enjoy other kids more, too, and I am thinking of finding a class to enroll her in after our parents are gone in order for her to have a more creative outlet and make new friends. Overall, we are feeling so thankful for the time we've had together as a family and know it was so important for us as we continue to wonder what the future looks like for us and our ministry. Thanks for continuing to pray.

One day...

2011-01-26T21:10:00.003-04:00

I've been feeling bad lately about not blogging- knowing that many of you are wondering how I am doing (thank you). I have to tell you that I haven't had much of a chance to process how I am doing at the moment. My parents were here for almost 3 weeks, we had 4 days to clean and prepare for my in-laws visit, and now we are busy hanging out with them. Both visits have been wonderful and such a blessed time to see our families and do everything and nothing with them. Neither set have much interest in travelling or filling up the time with touristy things so we spend the days running errands, playing play-doh, cleaning, cooking, eating, and just "being". It's nice and I'm happy to have this large chunk of time filled with something so easy and important as spending quality time with your family is. So, all that to say, I haven't really focused much on my feelings or where I stand in the grieving process. I know that there are still many sad days and moments. I know I still miss Zion so, so much, think about him constantly, imagine what it might have been like had he been here at this time, remember the few and precious days we had with him and what it felt like to touch him, wonder what the future will be like without him and what it might turn out like as we think about having more kids down the road, and generally feel like my life will never be the same. That I know. Without needing to think about it too hard, I also know that God is working in my heart to help me come to a better place about it all. I don't understand it any better than I did, I still don't think whatever I might learn is worth it, but I am starting to really believe that one day it will be OK. And one day I will see and experience and proclaim that good has come from it. And one day my faith will be so much deeper than it could have been if it hadn't happened. One day things will feel normal again. I suppose I believe this now because God has allowed me to experience tiny glimpses of it. Glimpses of hope and joy that I haven't experienced until recently. I know the journey continues to be long and as I am quite accustomed to now, the path might be smooth and relatively straight for a bit and then it suddenly and unexpectedly takes a sharp turn and becomes dark and full of pot holes. But, I can walk in the dark and hope for the light, believing it will come.

Quiet

2011-01-13T14:31:00.002-04:00

It's so very quiet today. My parents went to the airport early this morning to return home. It was a wonderful visit and I already miss their presence in the house. Natty misses them too, although I can tell she doesn't exactly know how to express it. The morning was busy cleaning up and almost finishing my second sewing project (much harder than I expected) then going to the packed pool to be totally and completely annoyed by the kids there. There's absolutely no managing of spaces for those of us who would like to swim laps and are paying good money every month to do so. Grrrr... I was reminded as I drove home in a cloud of aggravation of the sermon Scotty preached on Sunday. He used a guy holding a cup of water as an illustration. The cup is our heart and the water is what we fill it up with. Scotty would bump his arm and the water would spill out. He explained that life is going to give us bumps of all kinds and what is stored up in our heart is going to spill out, either blessing those around us with clean water, or getting everything all dirty and yucky with the sewer water that comes out when we haven't spent enough time in the Word and prayer. I was seeing a lot of stinky water coming out today. Anyway...it's quiet now. Scotty is running errands and Natty is napping. I am thinking of Zion. I'm tired of being sad and yet, I know it is necessary. I want to move forward in life, but I'm not sure exactly where I need to go next. I should be involved in community again but I'm pretty sure people aren't too sure how to interact with me, nor I with them. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to do life now. How do I allow myself to be sad while still spurring myself on to have relationships and get out of the house so I'm not swallowed up by the sadness? How do I express my emotions and share my thoughts without making people uncomfortable? When is it better to just not bring it up? Grief leaves you in this strange, separate state. I was reading lately how a person who is grieving will always do it differently than someone else because we are all unique. You can build community around you to go through the grief with you by sharing your feelings and letting people hurt with you. But, ultimately, you will always do it alone because no one will understand the pain like you do or know exactly what it is like. It's a lonely road. Even Scotty has no idea what I'm going through. Too easily I forget that God knows. He not only knows what it's like to lose a son, He knows me intimately and personally. I need to work on trusting that, even when I'm not sure what to do with it. I need to really believe that God knows what I need and will give that to me.

Music

2011-01-07T20:45:00.002-04:00

We got home from a short trip to Lake Titicaca this afternoon. Leaving yesterday mid-morning, we were excited to introduce our parents to this beautiful, enormous lake that has always been one of our favorite places to go for short little trips outside the city. We were praying for good weather, as it is rainy season now, and it's cold and not so pretty at the lake when it's raining. We had a mix of both and a nice time of relaxing, throwing rocks in the lake (Natty's favorite pastime) and Scotty and I did a tough hike to the top of a nearby hill. We had yummy, fresh trout and generally enjoyed the beauty of the Andes of Bolivia.

Tonight we're all pooped and I decided to take some time to myself to read and listen to a few of the new CD's that dear friends sent me for Christmas. One is JJ Heller's "When I'm With You". I noticed when I first got it, as I was reading the lyrics before actually hearing the music, that there was a song she had written for a little girl baby who had died shortly after birth. I found the blog about Olivianna and have related much to the families struggles and grief in the time after they lost their precious daughter. Tonight I listened to the song and found it could have been written for my Zion, just changing the name and the length of time spent on earth. It was so very hard to hear but so good, too. When life gets busy, the freshness and reality of my son can fade a little, even though the emptiness remains. Sometimes I need that new reminder of how real he was/is to match up with the hurt that remains in my heart for things to feel right- somehow. Appropriately, the next song on the CD is called "No Fight Left". The lyrics perfectly describe how I often feel:

"It's hard to tell if my eyes are open

when all I see is dark.

And it's easy, it's easy to lose my step...

There is no fight left on the inside

But maybe that's where I should be

I've given up trying

I'm giving it all to you

And I used to dream of a life so lovely

there'd be no room for tears

Now letting go, yeah,

letting go is the hardest part..."

Letting go is the hardest part. Isn't that right? I don't ever want to let go of Zion. Sometimes I fear that his memory is being lost or that by being more busy than sad, I am erasing his valuable existence... I know that God does not ask me to give up the memory of or love for my son, but my desire to control how it all turns out. My thoughts are a bit of a jumble tonight...I just miss Zion.

Wrestling and Learning

2011-01-03T08:31:00.003-04:00

Loss strips you. It takes away the superficial pillars that you leaned on for happiness. It makes you question everything you always thought you believed but when tested by fire, you realize how shallow that belief was because it was never tried. It makes you realize that maybe your hope was not where you thought it was but was mostly based on your situation, the blessings God had given you, or the people around you that made you content. It's like God removes the false front of your life that you always thought was real and shows you the disaster that was behind and then asks you if you still trust Him. And sometimes the front is your true reality, it's the only thing you've experienced, it's valid. But, maybe it's not meant to last. Maybe you need Someone to show you that your faith isn't as deep as you thought or give you the opportunity to make it more firm and lasting. Ever since Zion died, I've been wrestling with questions about who God is and how He interacts with His children. I'm asking Him and myself questions that I thought I had answered. I believe He is in control and totally sovereign and ordains all events- so how does that truth also blend with the truth that He is good and loving? Although I know it is a mystery we won't ever fully understand on this side of eternity, I know these things go hand in hand without contradicting each other. But, I don't always feel that way. There's a song we keep singing at church lately that I can only sing half off. The beginning talks about spending one moment with God and how it doesn't matter what happens or what we have to wait for if we can just spend a moment with Him. I don't agree. It DOES matter what I go through- it does matter what I have to wait for. If someone had asked the writer of that song, "would you be willing to sacrifice your son for one moment with the Lord?" I'm pretty sure he would not answer, "it doesn't matter- as long as I get my one moment." So, I have a hard time with that and I ask myself, "is that wrong?" Is it wrong to not want to give up my loved ones? Does God ask us to give up our loved ones to spend a moment with Him? Thankfully, He doesn't always. He freely gives of Himself whether we sacrifice or not. It is not a result of what we do, but of His grace. However, I know that He has asked a great thing of us in giving Zion. I was wondering as I tried to sleep last night how taking Zion was part of a loving plan. I believe God loves me, but I am desperately trying to understand that love in the death of my son. It dawned on me that maybe God is using my child to try to teach true happiness- which is a loving thing. As long as my happiness is based on my relationships, the health of those I love, how easy life is- I will be disappointed. If I begin to realize that God's glory is my ultimate good and joy (Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever- Westminster Shorter Catechism), than that is a good and loving lesson to teach me. And, I know that the Lord has formed every one of us and numbered our days. He numbered Zion's days to 18 and when he reached that number, his purpose was complete. He was used for a noble purpose- for many that I might never know. But, I believe loving me by showing me that my happiness might have been put in the wrong place, was one. I don't want to miss the purpose God had in taking my son. To know that He died, but not allow myself to ever see any good in the situation, would be accepting that Zion died in vain. This would be a truly tragic reality. However, my hope is that God will continue to redeem the short life of Zion by using Him for His great and wonderful purposes- in my life and in the lives of others.

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T11:12:00.003-04:00

I hardly know what to think about Christmas this year. I am excited because my parents arrive on Christmas morning and I know having them here will be a great distraction and such a fun time for them to be able to interact with Natty and get to know her now in this fantastic stage where she is learning and talking and doing the cutest, funniest things. She is truly a blessing and I know I would be horribly depressed if she weren't around. However, I can't help but think constantly of Zion- which really is no different than any other day, Christmas or not. How many times did I picture myself sitting by the Christmas tree with him, resting on the couch and looking at the lights glowing? How many people did we ask to pray that he would come home by Christmas? I know he is home- his eternal home- but that's not quite what I was hoping for. The whole point of my parents coming at Christmas was so that they could be here for the birth and help us in the first few weeks. Everything is so very different now. As long as I stay busy, I manage. But the moment I have quiet, my heart becomes very heavy and full of sadness. I posted an article on my facebook that talks about Christmas not being what everyone pictures in their mind- a happy, jolly day when families get along and sip hot cocoa around the Christmas tree and laugh and open presents. It's great if it can be like this. But, the point of Christmas is that we are all broken, we all suffer in some way, we are all needy and have issues. That's why Christ was born. The Word was made flesh so that He could experience the sadness, the brokenness, the pain that we go through and so that He could redeem it all. This has been one comfort to me this holiday. A good friend told me that it's OK if Christmas is sad this year, if it's not full of joy and laughter. How strongly I recognize my own brokenness, my need for a good Savior this year. As I think about Zion and how his death has profoundly changed my view of the world and of life, I am so much more thankful that Christ came to bring hope and to understand our suffering. And so part of me is ready for Christmas to hurry up and get over with while another part of me wants to understand more deeply what it is all about.

THE conversation

2010-12-21T13:34:00.004-04:00

So, I knew it was bound to happen soon. I've started going back to the pool and I ran into one of the older ladies that swims the same time I do and who watched my belly grow rounder and rounder in the last months. Of course, she asks today in the changing room, "So, was your baby a girl or a boy?". Uh, oh. I immediately wonder how this is going to work out- will I cry? will I tell her he died? will I run into the shower and pretend I didn't hear her? It was a boy, I answer. Oh, congratulations! And you're already back at the pool? Well, I tell her, here's the thing. And I proceed to explain how Zion was born early and that he died. And I manage to do this without the threat of tears. What makes it possible to talk about in a matter-of-fact manner one moment and another moment it threatens to tear my heart apart? So, she listens politely with a "poor thing" look on her face as I blather on about how strong he was and how long he lived, etc... I find it nice to talk about him when I can keep my emotions under control. And then, her response. I'm ready to hear it again. Most people answer with one of two things: my personal favorite, "But, honey, you're young. You'll have more kids". Love that one. And then, "God knows what He's doing." The second one doesn't upset me as much because at least they recognize God in all of it, even if it's not to the extent I do. But, it can still be annoying sometimes because most people feel the need to make themselves feel better by throwing out a one-liner that is supposed to make me feel better. As if a one sentence answer to this great tragedy that has come upon us is all it will take to perk me up. I totally understand that people are wanting to be helpful and encouraging. I get that. But what is most helpful is just to agree that it's a hard, sad, terrible thing. This woman even preempted her statement with, "This all must be very difficult." Yes! Thank you. Leave it at that, please. However, mentioning God did give me the opportunity to tell her that I do trust that the Lord has a good plan in all this and that with His strength, we will make it through. As I showered, I wondered when the time will come when I can speak more about all that God has done through taking our Zion. I trust that neat things will come out of it but I still feel that I'm walking in a fog of grief thick enough to keep me from seeing it all clearly. I look forward to the day that the fog will lift and I might truly begin to give God the praise He deserves.

P.S. Many of you have written me beautiful, scripture-filled notes or emails or have just reminded me that you are praying. I appreciate these and don't look at them the same way and just want to say "thanks".

Christmas poem

2010-12-17T22:26:00.002-04:00

I wanted to share a poem I found on Kristi's blog- a mom who has also lost precious babies.

First Christmas

I hear that on the Earth below
This is a special season
With lights and songs and gifts and such,
And Jesus is the reason!

In the place I would have lived
Are strings of light that blink and shine,
But you should see the light up here
That glows from Jesus all the time!

In the place I would have lived
Carols play, and special songs,
But you should hear the music that
The angels sing here all day long!

In the place I would have lived,
Gifts are giv’n on Christmas Day,
But you should feel the joy we feel
Because God’s gift is here to stay!

In the place I would have lived,
Tears have flowed because I’m gone.
My family wishes I were there
To see and hear and feel it all.

But in this place where I now live,
It’s Christmas all day, all year long,
And the sights and sounds I’d see with them
Are pure, unblemished by all wrong.

So on this day that would have been
My first Christmas on the Earth,
Mama, Daddy, you need to know
I’m celebrating Jesus’ birth!

When you sing songs to worship Him,
I’m singing with the angels, too.
I’m never closer than when we all
Praise Him for our life anew.

I know that life began for me
Sooner than you thought it would.
I know your hearts are hurting now,
And you would change things if you could.

But in this place, where you’ll come, too,
We’ll be together, forever.
And there will be no more good-byes
When we celebrate Christmas in heaven – together!

Moments

2010-12-15T21:13:00.002-04:00

I have a bit more energy these days. Until recently, I was still going to bed around 9 or 9:30, like I did toward the end of my pregnancy, because I was so physically and emotionally drained everyday. I feel like I'm getting some strength back but I'm finding it difficult to know what to do with my evenings. I'm not a night person and would be just as happy going to bed and enjoying some good sleep in order to wake up early and have some quiet time before Natty wakes up. However, for the sake of my husband, who would probably like to hang out with me sometimes at night, I am trying to retrain my body to stay up until at least 10. Pretty sad, I know. We've gotten slightly addicted (is that possible?) to Boggle these days after Natty goes to bed- even though I'm pretty sure I've never beat Scotty. But, I've gotten close a couple times, so that keeps me in the game. Sometimes it's annoying to be married to someone who is smarter than you and better at most things. But, it's also one thing I admire about him. Anyway-I decided I should blog since it feels like it's been a long time. Than I noticed it's only been 5 days. I suppose I was blogging so frequently for a while because I felt like I was constantly emotionally charged- which is when I prefer to blog or when I am most "inspired". I don't feel emotionally charged at the moment, so this might be a bit dull. However, I just wanted everyone to know I'm still here. I'm still sad a lot of the time. I'm still struggling to understand and to evaluate myself and my circumstances and God's work in my life and the meaning of all of it. I know some of these things are too big to figure out but it seems as though anything smaller just doesn't matter to me right now- so I ponder the big things. And that's one thing that is annoying about grief and makes me feel like a bad person sometimes- you tend not to care about much else but your own circumstances. How self-centered is that? But, as much as I try- I really can't make myself think too much about other things. I find even when I pray (even prayer was next to impossible to do for a while), I can't think of anything else to pray about than God help me get through this. I think I'll pray for other people and then I end up being overwhelmed by how much I miss Zion and knowing that this awesome God I'm talking to is the One who took him, and everything falls to pieces. And then I am just a heap of tears begging God to help me and wondering how I'll ever be normal again. It's also annoying how grief can surprise you and overwhelm you at any moment. For example, I'm driving to the grocery store thinking how nice it is to have the desire and energy to cook again (but only some days) and Natty will say out of the blue, "I miss baby Zion." Then my heart breaks in two and I wonder if I should just pull the car over and pray for the ground to swallow me up. Or, I'm playing with Natty and marveling at her budding personality and extreme silliness and I see a puzzle on her shelf that I picked up thinking it would look good hanging in Natty and Zion's bedroom when they are a bit bigger. And I get angry all over again that life did not work out according to my "perfect" plan. And, seriously- my whole day is ruined. However, there are quick moments that God can speak so clearly and although the words might be a bit muddled in my less than sharp mind, the idea is conveyed- "I love you. I am here. I know. I will make it OK again." He's done that a couple times lately and it's nice. I'd like it to happen more but sometimes I think I'm too busy wallowing that I don't even want to hear it, because I'm afraid I won't believe it. But, God is good and He finds ways to tell me and when I hear it, I can't help but believe it. Just like when He calls us to Himself- we can't, we don't want to resist because we know He is real and He is who He says He is. I hope to have more of these moments.

A tough date.

2010-12-10T15:08:00.002-04:00

Scotty and I decided to go out on a day date today. I can't remember the last time we had a date and while our house help is around, it is easier just to leave Natty with her and go out during the day instead of finding a babysitter for the evening. So, we ran a few errands and then headed to the nice movie theater with plans to do some window shopping after the movie. Lately, movies are a nice distraction from the often gloomy reality of life, and I was especially looking forward to escaping for a couple hours today. We bought tickets, popcorn and a big drink for about $8! Love that. The movie was interesting and I was excited for a few more minutes to hang out with Scotty when we ran into a friend we haven't seen for quite some time. Not being very connected to us or Facebook very frequently, he didn't know anything about Zion. It came up and, of course, I started crying in the middle of the mall and wondered how I could escape quickly without anyone seeing me. But, there also happened to be an entire table full of people we knew and had to say hi to them as well. So, the date was quickly terminated and the car ride home, silent. When telling someone for the first time about Zion's death, I'm not just sad because he's gone, but everything that is sad that I've mentioned before comes to the surface. Everything that at any given moment can ruin my day is brought before me again. I thought I could avoid reality for enough time to have a good date with Scotty, but there's no escaping the hard truth. If not on the surface, it's always lurking shallowly beneath. The "why-me's?" were haunting me all the way home. Why can't I just have a date out with my husband without having to be reminded my son died. Why can the sheer mention of Zion sometimes take all joy out of my day? Why does grief come up at the most inopportune times and send me reeling when I felt emotionally stable 5 seconds earlier? And so, the journey continues... Somewhere along the way, I feel like God has given me more peace in and acceptance of His continued goodness and His love. It doesn't seem as hard to believe as it once did, but the pain is as real as ever and presents itself in many different dimensions- a seemingly infinite number of new ways each day. But, I know I must hold on to this faith, however lacking, and know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Randomness

2010-12-07T17:30:00.002-04:00

Today it's gloomy outside. Matches my emotional state. I'm listening to somewhat melancholy instrumental Christmas music and trying not to cry in front of Natty again. I'm looking at the Christmas tree and thinking how I wish this would be a happy holiday this year. And I start thinking again the most random thoughts...this seems to be happening a lot lately. I wonder if Christmas, or Christ's birth, was a little melancholy for the Lord, too. For us, it means the birth of our Savior- the only one that can bring us life. For God, it meant sending His son to die. That must have been a little bittersweet, too. So, I'm glad we're in this together.

The other night I wondered if they celebrated some form of Christmas in heaven. I mean, they're celebrating Christ all the time, so I can't imagine they do. But I was thinking about Zion and I wanted to think he was having the most amazing Christmas there in the Lord's presence. Maybe he could even play baby Jesus in heaven's reenactment of Christ coming to earth. He was supposed to be born at Christmas, too...

A few nights ago I was praying on my way to bed and telling God again how much I just want Zion back. I started wondering how I would react if God said, "Ok, Lisa, you can have Zion back. But, remember, if I give him life on earth, he will have joy, but nothing compared to being here with me. What's more, he will have suffering that he would never experience if he were to stay in heaven. Do you really want him back?" I realized how true that is. My son was saved a lot of pain by being able to go to his eternal home "early". As much as I would be overjoyed to have my son with me, as a mother, I would sacrifice that for him to stay by the Lord's side. Although if I could have stopped him from dying- I surely would have.

Beach distraction

2010-12-06T20:16:00.002-04:00

I love the beach and sometimes lament the fact that we live at high altitude (read: cold) in a country that is land-locked. When we lost Zion and many people asked us if we would go home or get away, I thought: the beach. So, we looked into going back to the nice, affordable condo on the beach we spent a few days at several months ago. We found great airline tickets and had all the support of the people around us to get away and relax. I wondered if it would be helpful, if I'd really forget all that has happened and be able to enjoy myself. But, I knew that Natty would love it and that we could use some time to focus on our family and not feel the slight guilt of not being involved in life and ministry as we usually are. When we first got there, it was cold. On our previous trip it was cold. I wondered if God just didn't want us to enjoy life. Yes, this was my horrible thought. We sat on the beach in our jackets and Scotty and I were both struck with how off it felt. We were missing a part of our family. As we watched Natty happily digging away in the sand like a little crab, we recognized again how much we wanted Zion to be a part of that. I spent one of the first nights sobbing in Scotty's arms for about an hour or so. Then, things started looking up. The weather got warmer and we were both able to really relax and enjoy each other. Natty found delight in everything. She loved the sand, the water, the washed up jellyfish, the shells, the rocks, the food, the TV with cartoons, the hotel, the old people that had taken over the hotel that week. She would wake up every morning, come out of her room, look through our sliding glass doors that had a beautiful ocean view, put her hands in the air and shout, "THE BEACH!!" She was full of life and that is exactly what I needed. I found myself able to be happy for longer than a couple minutes at a time. Happy hours went by (and not the 2 for 1 beer type) and although I never forgot about my little boy- I was able to enjoy myself. This was truly a gift. Scotty and I slept in- thanks to the lower altitude and lots of hard play on the beach helping Natty sleep later- we read, we ate, we played games, we soaked up the sun. I wasn't ready to leave today and neither was Natty. Usually, at the end of a trip, I know that our time is up and I am ready to get back to my house. I knew the day was drawing near for us to come back to La Paz, but I also knew what awaited me here. Reminders everywhere of Zion. Uncomfortable conversations. My own fear of people not understanding that I am still sad. Being more sad as I return to life as usual without the fun distraction of the beach and a different place. We put up our Christmas tree today. How many people did I ask to pray that Zion would be home by Christmas? How long did I picture our family with a newborn around the Christmas tree? As the bits of tree came out to be put together, my heart began to sink. This is not what I imagined this holiday- just the 3 of us. No pregnancy. No baby. These will be hard days, but I think our time away has given me a chance to breathe, a chance to gird up and begin the fight of faith anew, a chance to be reminded of how much God has given me in my loving husband and wonderful daughter. The holidays will be bittersweet in so many ways but I know that our God is faithful, even when I am not.

Kinda Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T18:34:00.003-04:00

Here we are today at SIM Thanksgiving. We celebrated on Friday instead of Thursday and enjoyed the usual spread and all ate more than we should have. These were hard days. So hard. You'd think from the picture all was well... It's strange to go through a holiday that is so family oriented and feel like a part of your family was gone and that they'd never be there to celebrate with you. It's very hard to think of something you are thankful for this year when all you can think about is how very much God has asked you to sacrifice and let go of. It's very hard to pretend like everything is OK. I'm sure no one knows if you want to talk about it or even if they should ask for fear of you feeling obligated to answer or to say, "I don't want to talk about it". And maybe I don't all the time. But, I still feel like I'm not capable of participating in normal activities without starting to feel at some point that Zion is the elephant in the room. The thing that everyone knows is there but is gingerly walking around. Some days I feel like he died a long time ago. Lately, it's as if I just said "good-bye" this morning. I had to see my regular doctor today and he saw me, patted his tummy and asked, "how is everything going?" I paused for a moment, trying to decide how to answer him and then tearfully told him what happened. Why does a mother have to explain to an almost stranger that her baby died a couple weeks ago? He was shocked and asked questions that I couldn't answer and made me wonder, for the first time, if Zion would have lived if we were in the US. I've always felt strongly that God has us in Bolivia for a purpose and in the child-bearing years and that, although things aren't as technologically advanced here, this is where we'll have our family. That was before God asked me to give up so much. It feels like too much. I waver between the "what ifs" and the understanding that God is sovereign even with things turn out devastating. Between knowing that circumstances were ordained to include pain and yet He does not enjoy bringing suffering upon us. I know God is refining my faith, but I sure wish it didn't have to come this way.

A long night

2010-11-23T08:46:00.003-04:00

I've been reading off and on through a book by C.S. Lewis called A Grief Observed, which are notes he took after losing his wife to cancer. This quote struck me:

"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."

I felt directly in complete agreement with this sentiment when I first read it, even while wondering if it was correct. But, as with a lot of thoughts that occur when you are grieving, they might not be complete truth, but they are the truth of what you are feeling as a result of the pain. I have been struggling with the hard truth that God's words are not consoling me as they once have but at the same time, I have not lost hold of what I know to be true about the Lord. The Christian faith promises suffering and pain. Jesus himself suffered greatly on this earth and we are called to participate in His suffering. He wept also when loved ones died. And there are so many examples of godly men and women who waited, who suffered physically and emotionally, who grieved and mourned, who cried out wondering when the Lord would answer. These truths are not comforting to us who want a religion that promises warm fuzzies and easy times. And so, I don't feel that Christianity is always comforting. We are given permission to mourn with those who mourn (validating the process of mourning). And yet, we are also told that "weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5). We are told that God is our strong fortress, our rock, our refuge. He is the lifter of our heads. He brings joy. But I fully believe that the weeping of the night might be a long night. I haven't quite reached the morning yet, the dawn that brings relief. And so, I think I agree with Mr. Lewis.

The aftermath

2010-11-17T14:22:00.004-04:00

I've been given permission by many friends to continue to post about our journey of grief. In some ways, I feel that it might be getting old to hear about what we are going through but I can't say I've moved on yet and there really is nothing else going on in my life than working on getting through this. And maybe that's all I want to say in this blog: I am truly surprised by the new challenges that each day brings. I thought that once the intense grief of losing Zion was over, things would start looking up from there. But, I'm realizing that some days, the intense grief comes back. And some days, it's not there- but the reality of his absence and how that affects each day and what I'm doing and what I would have been doing and how he would have played a part in all that- is just as hard. There are so many new emotions I have never experienced and even questions of faith that arise in my mind and heart that I'm not even sure where to start processing or how to put it into words for other people- or for myself. I know that I am struggling more now than I did when Zion was living to really believe and hold tight to the promises that the Lord has given me. There was hope in those promises when he was hanging on, but now that he is gone, that hope is wavering (not in truth, but in my heart). Before I went into the hospital, I had started reading through the Psalms and they were powerful in a new way in my life. When I was on bed rest, they brought comfort and hope and joy. When Zion was in the NICU, I would often read them to him and tell him of His awesome, loving Lord. I finished the book a few days before he died and since then have not found a new place to start reading in the Word. A friend encouraged me to go back to the Psalms and really study the many, many times the faithfulness and the steadfast love of the Lord is mentioned. It is hard to do that because that will remind me so much of his last days and, if I'm honest with myself, because I feel like the hope they gave me that all will be alright did not play itself out. All was not all right. All is not all right. And yet, I know that way of thinking comes from a limited, finite perspective. In the infinite wisdom of the Lord, He chose a way that must be perfect, because we know He is perfect. And so I must believe that this was all right for Zion- this was the best for Him and for me. This is loving. Oh, how I want to feel the love in this decision and not just accept it as a fact...

Fresh pain

2010-11-14T12:47:00.004-04:00

Today it feels like Zion just died. The pain is so strong again- the desire to hold him, to have him be here. I miss him so terribly I don't even know what to do, how to respond, how to pray. Yesterday, I felt like he was already becoming a distant memory and it didn't feel right. It's been less than a week- Scotty and I both felt like it had been a long time ago that he was with us. It was as if I needed to feel the freshness of the sadness again to somehow validate the fact that I still feel that void. I spent some time looking at pictures of Zion and I wept. Despite the tubes, he looked so alive and I so distinctly remember holding his hands and feeling his warm chest and watching his heart beat so closely under the surface. I had nothing to say to God except, "I want my son back." I was comforted by the words of a friend who has suffered a similar loss and sometimes heard the Lord say to her, "I lost a child, too. And I am grieving with you." Because I fully believe that our baby didn't die by chance but at the hand of an all-wise God, I forget that my Father's decision wasn't a cold one. He grieves when His children grieve. It's so hard to understand the plans of the Lord, that they include pain and suffering and even sin, but are ultimately the most loving for us. Without realizing it, sometimes in my pain, I forget that God loves me and hurts when I hurt.

Scotty and I both have felt this need to tell perfect strangers or people we are talking to that our son just died. I think I need people to know that he existed. I want people to know that he was strong- that he fought for 18 days. I want people to know that he was beautiful and perfect and sweet and a fighter. That he had blue-grey eyes like Natty when she was born. That he had long, delicate fingers and tiny fingernails and big feet. Scotty said he had a big nose but I think he would have grown into it. Sometimes he would grip my finger in his hand and he was strong. His hair was soft and he didn't have any eyebrows or eyelashes. He is my son and will always be and it's so hard to carry that with you when you have no way to show it. Even now my body continues to produce milk and I have the lingering discomfort of a surgery that took this baby from my body. But there's no baby to show for it. I have baby weight that hangs around my middle. But no baby to show for it. It feels wrong to continue life "as normal"- everything in me wants to keep the memory of my son alive...

Zion's memorial service

2010-11-12T21:04:00.004-04:00

The day our baby boy died, we pulled together a late afternoon funeral, of sorts, on our land. For those of you who don't know, we own a piece of property that is only a block from our apartment and have dreams to build a house there in the near future- dreams to fill it with children and we imagined our little Zion playing soccer there with the neighborhood kids. We loved the idea of burying him on our property, always close to us, and right where he might have been playing as he grew up. So, we invited our church, our friends, our neighbors to come and mourn with us. We returned to the clinic mid-afternoon to pick up our son. He was laying in the same warming tray with no tubes, no monitors, no beeping. There was only a nurse in the other portion of the nursery, tending to a baby. We unwrapped him from the hospital blanket and for the first time, saw a peaceful Zion. Although we knew there was no life in him and that what we were looking at was a shell, we were calmed by seeing him look like a normal newborn. We quietly dressed him in a pair of preemie jammies and wrapped him up in a soft blanket. We each had another moment to hold him, although it was different this time because we knew that his spirit was already in the presence of his Maker. There was room to spare in his fuzzy, white coffin and as we walked out of the hospital and placed his coffin in the car, I thought that I always imaged taking him out of the clinic in a car seat, not a coffin. Shortly later, we saw people starting to gather on our property. By the time I arrived, there must have been 50 people waiting for the service to begin. I started hugging those that I came to first and crying with each one, knowing that every body there had been long in prayer and supplication for us and with us. Our pastor began the service sharing about David pleading for the life of his son and how God chose to take him, too. David knew that his son would never return, but that one day he would go to him. We have this hope as well, that we will one day go to our savior and our little boy also. Pastor Edgar prayed for us and had us sprinkle dirt over the coffin, as they would at a typical burial. He picked out a beautiful hymn that the gathering sang as Scotty and I quietly listened and contemplated all that had happened that day. Our friends lined up to hug us, cry with us and offer words of love. Then it was over and everyone headed off to a reception that was held down the street at a friends house, while Scotty, Natty and I stayed behind to gaze at our son once more, pray and cry. It was our favorite time of day, just as the sun is starting to set and the world turns a nice, gold color. After a few minutes, we also moved on to the reception where we received more prayer and kind words. We were both struck with this incredible family that God has put around us. So many times were we assured from many, many people that they loved us, thought of us as family, would do anything for us. I knew God had all this in mind when he numbered Zion's days. We would not be alone. We are not alone and even now, we are being so well taken care of and being prayed for far and wide by those who know us and so many who don't. What a gift! What a loving Father we have to not only promise His presence, but give us the warm presence of so many others.

And now what...?

2010-11-11T14:46:00.003-04:00

Today has been particularly hard for me. There have not been as many tears or that sharp kind of grief that is almost suffocating, but it's as if a cloud of sadness has settled around my head and colored everything around me. I find it hard to even think about what we might eat for lunch. I went to get my hair cut today, having decided I wanted a change and I wanted it immediately...maybe I thought if I looked better, I would feel better too. Scotty had several errands to run and the cut didn't take very long, so I decided to get a pedicure while I was in the shop. Usually, having myself pampered would be a treat, but today I found no joy in it. I watched people walk down the street and wondered if any of them had just suffered a tragedy. My hair dresser told me, "tranquila"- basically the Bolivian equivalent of "relax". I've been told that many times by many people. I'm not finding life exactly relaxing at the moment. I thought again about how God lost a son and wondered what He did in those 3 days that Christ was in the tomb. What do you do once your child is gone and the pain is so fresh? How do you fill your days? How do you think of anything or at least not think of nothing? A good friend sent me an email relating the suffering of the Psalmist and how he chose, in the midst of deep pain, to call on the Lord and tell of His love and mercy. Although I'm not sure if the knowledge in my head will translate to my heart today, I still know that my Father is good and that He is love. I still find comfort in knowing that my baby is with Him- if that is the only place I find comfort in this moment.

Remains

2010-11-10T17:29:00.002-04:00

Just received the ashes of my son. So hard.

Because the Lord has anointed me

to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.

Isaiah 61:1, 3

Mourning

2010-11-10T10:02:00.002-04:00

I almost feel too devoid of emotion at the moment to write this post and yet, writing is part of how I process, so maybe it's a good time. Maybe I'll start by telling you exactly how everything played out yesterday. Interestingly, the night before, Scotty had asked me if I still feared that Zion could die and I told him that I felt like he was through the worst of what he would probably experience and that now I was just trying to take each daily trial as it came. We also read a chapter from "The Praying Life", by Paul Miller, that talked about the way God weaves all things in our lives into part of His story. Sometimes, that story doesn't play out like we hoped it would, but it is so important to continue to look for God in the story and the different ways He redeems the story and brings it all together for a greater purpose. Little did we know how much we would be thinking about those ideas the next day. I heard Scotty's phone ringing about 6:30 Tuesday morning and immediately thought it might be a doctor calling- since people don't usually tend to call that early. I had a gut feeling something was not right when I couldn't hear Scotty talking- he had shut himself in the kitchen. When I went in, he said "this isn't good" and explained that Zion's organs were starting to shut down and we needed to go up as soon as we could. I asked if they thought he might die and he said it sounded like it. A wave of despair hit and after a minute of crying and telling Scotty that he can't die, we both went into action mode and somehow pulled ourselves and Natty together to make it up to the hospital. By God's amazing and constant grace, we had just enough time to hold him, talk to him, touch him and say good-bye- probably no more than 10 minutes. His heart stopped beating while Scotty was holding him. It was the first time we had been allowed to hold him, and the last time we would do it while he was living. The rest of the day was a blur of emotions, as I'm sure you can imagine. The only thing that really brought us hope or peace was the idea that Zion was being held by Christ, that he has a new and whole body, that He will never be in pain again and that he is full of joy before His savior. Truly that brings a smile to my face.

I'm realizing that grieving is so much more than just missing a person. It's missing what would have been, what you dreamed life would be like with that person, how that person would have affected your life. For Zion, we imagined this beautiful bond and playtime between him and his big sister. We imaged our house filled again with the little cries of a newborn. I imagined hours of holding him, rocking him, putting him to bed, nursing him, watching him discover his world and develop. We imagined a bigger family and the things we would do together. We imagined what his strong personality might be like and how he would interact with others. We planned to have kids close together so we could have a big family. We planned our future house with that idea in mind. We prayed that he would become a godly man of integrity. So many expectations and hopes that we must release and believe that God has a better plan. Medically, it's not even safe for me to think of conceiving again for a year- what do I do all that time without the baby I thought I'd have?? And yet, our hope is that God knew all of those things when He chose to take our baby to Himself. He knew about the waiting, the dreams, the expectations. And he found that it would be good to write a different story. I believe we will see glimpses of how that story intertwines with different areas of our lives and thank God for His great wisdom. For now, we take each day as it comes, thankful for a healthy little girl, thankful for people right here in our neighborhood and around the world that love us, thankful that God, too, knows what it is like to lose a son. We will pray for the patience to wait on Him.

Day 18

2010-11-08T14:00:00.002-04:00

I feel like we're at a bit of a standstill with Zion. He had several really good days and even though the doctor was giving him tiny bits of milk every 8 hours, he was able to increase it by a ml each day. He wasn't having any new issues and they thought they might take out the big tube that was in his chest to take the extra air out from around his lungs. Then, on Saturday, all that changed. The tube couldn't come out because of some complication I'm not very clear about. And, he started turning very pale and his vital signs all worsened. They couldn't exactly explain to us what happened and even today, two days later, they still are not quite sure what is going on in his body. So, he's taken a step back, a rather big one, and we were hit quite hard by that on Saturday. Thankfully, we had those few days of goodness to steady our emotions and even though the bad news was a shock, it did not send us reeling quite like every little thing did when he was in his first week. However, I'm feeling a bit numb to it all right now. I think all of it is starting to feel like a new "normal"- a normal that is never the same but in it's constant changing, everything and anything is expected. Every morning, I wake up wondering what kind of night Zion had. I pump early, I get ready, we call the doctor, we try to process the news (good, bad, or unchanging), I pump again and I head up to the clinic. I walk into the NICU and as I wash my hands, I wonder what Zion might look like. Will he have tape on his wrists from where they've recently taken a blood sample or will they be uncovered so I can see the big black and blue marks? Will he be on his tummy? Will his body be hard and swollen? Will the doctor be sitting there so I can ask him questions? How will I handle his answers emotionally? After a while, I drive home and spend the rest of the day trying to process this life of having a preemie. It sucks you up and eats you whole. There's not a lot left for anything else. But, God is teaching me to take it one day at a time. If I even begin to think about how long my baby might have to be in there or how little he's advanced in the 18 days since he was born, it is overwhelming and depressing. I try to read Zion scripture every morning, which encourages me, and tell him of the greatness of His God- which maybe is also my way of telling that to myself. I am encouraged each time I hear people say they are praying for him, cause I really believe they are. You know you've all been there when you tell someone, "I'll pray for you", but maybe it doesn't seem like such a big deal to you and you forget. I'm guilty. But, I have seen evidence of the body of believers really praying for my son and my family and I am grateful. So, this is where we are in the journey. God is sustaining our little boy and He is sustaining us...I trust He will till the end.

God's hand

2010-11-05T09:19:00.002-04:00

Well, the move was a bust. I knew a few weeks ago when we came up with the idea of switching houses that it would be very hard for me emotionally, in the midst of so much turmoil, to leave my house and live in one that is not mine. After discussing the positives and negatives, I tried to convince myself that the only thing that mattered was being closer to Zion. And, that really is a big deal. We're a pretty good distance out where we live now. If everything else in my life were as stable as it normally is, living in someone else's house for a few weeks would not be a big deal. However, it was one more thing that caused me stress that about pushed me over the edge. Being close to Zion would not be a positive thing if I was emotionally unstable all the time and longing for my home and what is most comfortable to me. I am a homebody...so it is important. All that to say, we packed up and moved one day and packed up and moved back the next. Our friends were so very gracious about all of it and took it all in stride. I am so thankful for people like that who are willing to help out with such great sacrifice and effort on their part.

So, I was talking to the doctor yesterday and he had mentioned several times how important it is that Zion hear our voices and feel our touch. He explained that many clinics that are bigger in La Paz don't allow the parents to spend much time with their babies, both from the standpoint of not wanting the nursery to be too crowded and because it is an ingrained custom. I had my questions about this clinic from the beginning because I knew nothing of it and I was not impressed with the way they handled me as a patient (except for our wonderful doctor friend, Sergio, who works there) during and after the C-section. However, my doctor assured me that the neonatal was very good. There are two other clinics, both next door, that upper class and foreigners tend to go with, and I even had Natty in one of these. But, my doctor explained that one only allows you in for a short time with your child and the other forbids it. This comes as both a shock and a comfort to me. A shock, because these are highly regarded clinics and a comfort because knowing nothing, we had someone who wisely guided us to a place where we can see Zion any time of the day or night if we would like. His doctor, along with another, were actually the ones who got the neonatal unit started when they had too tiny twins that couldn't get into the other clinics. And, our clinic is the only one of those 3 that has nurses that have specialized in dealing with preemies, while the others are just trained in the basics. So, we see God's hand (in so many things) especially in getting us to this somewhat unknown clinic and a doctor that is hard at work taking good care of our little boy. And just to throw it out there, we definitely see God's hand in all of you- so, so many people who are praying and who have asked their families to pray and their Bible studies and their children. We are overwhelmed by the quantity of people who are continually before the throne on behalf of our family. What an amazing gift to us. We hope to see miracles in response to these prayers!

Melancholy doctors

2010-11-01T16:25:00.002-04:00

So, we had another good report from Dr. Salazar this morning about Zion...he seems to be tolerating the milk so far. When we went in to the hospital, everyone looked a bit gloomy and a doctor came shortly after we arrived to do an ultrasound of the heart. Then my doctor came to check out my incision and when I came back, the heart doctor told me that things looked good but that they would need to continue the heart medication for a bit longer until his heart got stronger. Good news. But, he reminded me again of what an enormous amount of hard things our little guy has endured and how strong he is. But, he said it all with a sad face and a shake of the head, like, "too bad these things happen". Then Dr. Salazar confirmed the heart looks good and that he is responding well to the milk, but they'll take it slow. He said some other tests look good too. All good news. But, then after showing me an x-ray, he reminded me that we need to stay strong and as long as he has good brain function, they'll fight for him till the end. These are things he used to say when everything was really going rough for Zion...why is he saying this now?? Scotty and I felt the heaviness in the room, and we couldn't figure out what they weren't telling us. I suppose it is just a good reminder that even though things have been going well the last couple of days, our son is still in a critical condition and we need to realize that. Our poor little guy is super swollen. The doctors says it's a lack of protein that he will get from my milk and it should take care of itself as he gets more and more milk. Zion and I had a good little visit while I read Psalms from Scotty's IPOD. A couple of my favorites: "Those who trust in the Lord are as Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides forever. So the Lord surrounds His people from this time forth and forever." Psalm 125:1-2 Also, "I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning." Psalm130: 5-6

Scotty rocks!

2010-10-30T19:55:00.004-04:00

A while back I started a fan club on Facebook called "Scotty rocks". I haven't updated it for quite a while, but I think it's about time. As I type, my awesome husband is heading out in the dark night of rain to pick up an antibiotic for me (yes, I have an infection on top of everything else going on), after having cooked dinner, spent the afternoon with our baby, grocery shopped and got Natty totally ready for bed with stories and all. This is nothing for Super Scotty who has always been a great husband but he has totally kicked it up a few notches when I went in for bed rest a few weeks ago. Every day he woke up early- and he's not a morning person- to get Natty out of bed. He fixed her breakfast, changed every diaper, dressed her (and she always looked cute) brought her to and from the clinic, made her lunch, put her down for a nap, brought her back to the clinic or out on errands with him, remembered her juice and diapers and wipes when they went out, made her dinner, bathed her, got her ready for bed and put her down. On top of this, he went grocery shopping, encouraged me, brought me stuff I needed for my extended stay in the Château Garden Clinic, made lots of phone calls to inform people of what was going on and who knows what other things I'm not aware of. He even went to my play group one day! All of this and never once complaining, never once snapping at me, never once in a foul mood. And now that I'm home and recovering from surgery and feeling a bit yuck from the infection, he continues to almost single-handedly take care of Natty and even made French toast for dinner tonight. My husband doesn't cook (but is capable of almost anything when he puts his mind to it). He picks up things I drop cause it hurts to bend over, he gets out of bed in the night to check on Natty when she's crying, and even though I'm capable, he still gets Natty out of bed in the morning cause he knows it hurts to walk around a lot. I think I must have the best husband in the world and can't thank God enough that when it really matters- his character and Christ-likeness are proven as gold. I love you Scotty!!

Touch and Go

2010-10-28T16:21:00.003-04:00

A doctor friend of ours wisely warned us that the road with Zion is going to be very long and things will be touch and go for a while. I think it's starting to sink in today after a very draining visit this morning when his doctor informed us that the leak they had thought was taken care of yesterday was back again. The doctor seemed stressed and tense and didn't help my emotional state at all. He said that if things didn't clear up this afternoon, they would need to do surgery tomorrow. I just had this overwhelming urge to scoop up my little boy and take him home. I don't want to see any more tubes inserted in his body. I don't want to hear that they had to sedate him to do yet another painful procedure. I don't want to wake up every morning wondering what else could possibly have happened to him in the night. I don't want to see his frail little body lying there unresponsive, thinking as I leave that it might be the last time I see him breathing. These were my terrible thoughts today and the whole time I held his little hand, I couldn't help thinking that we might never take him home. I don't have the peace today that I had yesterday and I can not bring myself to even pretend to think and believe in the best. I'm glad there is grace when our faith fails and I am praying for God to restore that faith to me now.

Day 6

2010-10-27T19:45:00.002-04:00

Today we decided to take Natty up to the clinic with us and spend lunch time/nap time at the apartment of some friends who live a block away so that we could return after lunch to spend some more time with Zion. I keep remarking to Scotty how very quickly each day passes by! We wake up and spend some family time together in bed while drinking coffee, get ready (which can be a slow process for me as I'm still hurting from the surgery) and head up to the hospital to spend a half hour or so with our baby boy. Then back home for lunch, a nap for Natty and often for me too, and then back to the clinic for another short visit in the afternoon. Back home for dinner and bedtime. This is interspersed with pumping and storing milk every 2 hours or so. I might have the time for a conversation with a friend or relative back home and maybe to check email as well. The days are passing by so rapidly! I'm desperate to communicate more with people who are emailing and calling and wondering how they can help, but I just don't have the time or energy yet. So, when we arrived this morning, the doctor explained that the air leak that caused Zion's lung to collapse the first time has returned and it seems that no matter what they do, it's not going away. They had several surgeons look at him and a specific specialist who moved the tube around yesterday and managed to get the air out came back this morning and moved the tube to a new spot. The doctor explained that this is a serious issue and as long as the air remains, he will not be able to get better and it's the main thing they're focusing on now. We're praying that this new positioning will keep the air out for good and that the tube will soon be removed permanently. We'll find out the results of his lab tests tomorrow as far as the intestinal infection is concerned. We're also praying that it won't be as serious and dangerous as it can become. By the afternoon, the doctors were very happy with the lung issue taken care of and said he behaved much better today than yesterday- meaning there were fewer complications to keep them on their toes. They reminded me again of what a strong little guy he is and how much more medicine it takes to knock him out when he needs a painful procedure done than it does with other babies. That might not bode well when I'm trying to get him napping down the road...but I'll take it! Natty seems to enjoy seeing him, although she made the first comment that showed us that she was not fully OK with his condition when she pointed to his ventilator tube and repeated, "Take it out, Mommy. Take it out." She also asked a few times to bring baby Zion home. The cry of my heart, as well. I found that today was the first day that upon hearing difficult news and seeing the stress of the doctor, I didn't cave. The Lord sent some beautiful and strong verses through emails this morning and a peace that overcame the circumstances and kept me strong and hopeful in light of all that continues to plague our baby. I'd love to feel that way everyday! So, we close another day with hope and thankful for stability. We look forward to seeing what God does.

Clinic hopping

2010-10-26T20:10:00.005-04:00

Sorry you're going to get all the pics first. Blogger has changed something and I can't seem to organize them around my text...

The virgin Mary and Jesus looking over me as I recovered from my C-section.

Right before surgery and the arrival of Zion. I look happy, but I'm not actually too thrilled this is all happening.

First day of a short-lived bed rest stay in my own home. Yes, that is Natty's bib. And, my bedpan...

Mommy and Natty are resting. Pretty sure I got a sponge bath this day so I'm looking pretty good. :)

The golden thumb in the entrance to the Garden Clinic.

The pool. Can't imagine it ever got warm enough to be used.

The reception desk. Used to be the bar and floating dance floor.

Natty entertains herself with videos.

Well, my slow days on bed rest before Zion came often brought the desire to blog, but because I had to have my feet up higher than my head, I found the angle very awkward for typing. So, I'll take the time now to give a little tour of clinics. We'll start with Talentum- the Garden Clinic. This lovely retreat is nestled between the major highway running through the south zone of La Paz (the part of town closest to us) and the road that leads up to Mallasilla. It was fantastically close to the house compared to most of the nice clinics in this city and boasted a beautiful yard, swimming pool and various plants, trees and flowers. The clinic actually used to be a home that is now converted into a plastic surgery site and is somewhat frequently used by my doctor, who has some type of friendship with the surgeon who owns the place, for her patients who need less medical care and more rest. Because my main purpose in those days was to be on my back, she decided that I should at least enjoy good care by the attentive and friendly nurses and a beautiful view out my sliding glass windows of the sky and the greenery. It was a godsend, to be sure. There was cable, there was wi-fi, there was a menu with steak!, there was the treat of seeing outside, and there were 2 nurses who worked hard to keep me comfortable all hours of the day and night. I also had an incredibly large bathroom, that I wasn't able to get up and enjoy, complete with walk-in closet, whirlpool tub, and large shower. The benefit of the place once being a home, I suppose. There were also 2, tasteful topless women framed in pictures hanging in front of my bed. I quickly got tired of them and decided they were not a part of the decor I wanted for my temporary residence. Nobody seemed to miss them when they were gone. Natty loved to come and walk out on my porch, play barefoot in the grass (which is a very rare luxury in this arid and cold city), pick up unripe plums that had fallen from the tree, stick her hands in the cold pool and watch videos. I had tons of visitors to make the time pass a little faster but constantly on my mind was the uncertain future of what would happen with my baby. Every other day seemed to bring a new scare, even after I had undergone the procedure to sew my cervix closed, the contractions returned and the days extended longer than originally planned. And yet, I was content to do whatever it took to keep that little boy inside. I even got excited about what little projects I might accomplish once I was home and able to sit up, knowing that I would not be off strict bed rest until the baby came. God's perfect plans were different however and my doctor continued to reassure me that those 9 days made a world of difference in Zion's growth and strength. I am so thankful for that.

So, after a wonderful day and a half of reclining in my own bed, I was back in the car headed to a new clinic- The Virgin of Asuncion. Here there was no menu, there were no attentive nurses, there was no outside view, there was no tub, there was just the very basics...but also what my doctor considers to be the best NICU unit. The rest of the clinic impressed me so little that I have a hard time believing her, but must trust because this is where my child must stay. At least our good friend is a doctor there and he actually pumped air for who knows how long into my baby's lungs when they collapsed.

So, there is a little tour of my life in La Paz clinics. How happy I am to be home!

A good day.

2010-10-25T16:44:00.002-04:00

As much as I don't want to admit it to myself, I know that there will be good days and bad days in our journey with Zion. I want to think that because today was a good day, all will be well and nothing more serious will happen to our little boy. I really, really want to believe that. But, I know that the fact of the matter is that he will continue to pass through tests and so will we. But for today, I will rejoice. We called the doctor this morning to check in on our son- it seems that the major things he has experienced thus far were in the night. The doctor said he was very stable all night and no intervention was necessary. Oh, how I prayed for this! And then I actually got some milk when I pumped! Pumping with Natalie was always stressful because I never seemed to produce much and I wasn't looking forward to going back to this chore a recommended 8-10 times a day for Zion. However, I am grateful that my milk has come in without needing a medicinal push and that I'm actually making something that will help him get big and strong. Scotty and I enjoyed 45 minutes or so with Zion and he even gripped my hand and kicked his legs in response to our chitter-chatter and touch. The doctor told us his brain looks good, his blood tests are coming back very positive and that they have much hope that even though his situation is still critical, he is responding very well to the treatments they are doing and that he is a fighter. My son is a fighter! Scotty and I are such chill people that I never expected to have one of those children that could be labeled "fighter". But it makes me very happy. While Scotty was out trying to get a boot off our car, I had a lovely conversation with the nurse on duty. I was really hoping to get to know the nurses on staff and our doctors as well, realizing that they are the ones caring around the clock for Zion and making sure he is surviving. This was a perfect opportunity and as she asked questions about our lives, I found myself able to share my faith and what exactly we believe as expressed in the Bible. I found out that she also had a preemie baby, earlier and smaller than Zion, and can empathize with our trials. How neat to know that this woman who is caring for my son, was in my shoes a decade or so earlier! So, I returned home very content with my visit, hoping for more like it, and thankful for so many of you who have been praying and sending beautiful notes our way. This is definitely one way that God uses of sustaining us in these times and although I can't respond to you all, know that I am touched by each line we receive from you. And now, I am alone at home- Scotty off to see Zion and Natty playing at a neighbor's house. The windows are open, the skies are blue and I can rest. God, thank you for rest!

Zion Scott

2010-10-24T13:33:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe I'm back home while my baby is 30 minutes away, fighting to remain stable. My favorite part of the day at the clinic was when I could shuffle or be wheeled down to the elevator and ride a floor up into the neonatal nursery to see my son. I enjoyed the beeps of his monitors, assured that as long as I heard the rhythmic beeping, my son was still breathing. I liked to hear his doctor tell me that he was stable. I didn't like to hear him tell me (as he did several times) that he caused him suffering last night or made him age 10 years (when his lung collapsed). But I loved to wash my hands, warm them up under his heater and grab a tiny arm or leg and start talking to him. He's mostly sedated at this point and has a couple tubes coming out of his mouth and had one coming out of each side keeping air moving past his lungs. They usually have his eyes covered with some type of bandage and keep little cotton puffs on his feet to keep them warm. But, he's still adorable and one morning I was able to see his whole face uncovered and noticed immediately how much he looks like his daddy. I would talk to him about Natalie and the kitties and what we would do when he comes home. I would tell him to get strong fast and not to forget that when Mommy and Daddy aren't around, God is right there with him. I read him one of my new favorite Psalms (105) and sang "Jesus Loves Me" to him ("Little ones to Him belong; they are weak, but He is strong). I tried not to cry a lot. Today he seemed more responsive to our touch and voice, jerking his little arms or legs a bit when we would caress him. As much as I did not care for the clinic I was in, I would have happily stayed in his nursery room until he was ready to come out. We were distracted as we drove home today, so I didn't have much time to think about the fact that we were leaving our baby behind, but as soon as I got in the door and looked around, home just didn't feel right without Zion in it. I didn't know where to start. Since I was on bed rest for 9 days, and then recovering from a C-section for another 3, a shower sounded nice, but I couldn't manage to bring myself to do anything for a while but sit on the couch and stare into space. How could something so familiar and normal suddenly feel so out of whack? My thoughts keep drifting back to my little guy- his chest being forced up and down by a ventilator, his cute little perfect toes, his adorable nose being stretched a bit to one side from the tubes, his somewhat transparent skin. The last couple of weeks have definitely taught me how to pray and how to recollect my thoughts to the truths of who the Lord is when they start to wander to those dark places. Not one day has gone by where I haven't felt God's presence, even in the midst of despair, sadness, fear and pain. I know we have a long road ahead and even now I have a hard time trusting that our baby will be OK. I've read the Bible too much and known too many amazing Christian people who have gone through tragedy to believe that God's perfect plan is always the one we would choose for it to be. But, I continue to trust that He will sustain us, our son, our faith and prove Himself good. His promises are the only firm and unchanging things in my life.

Smog and Divine hair appointments

2010-09-28T14:37:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to rant a bit about the smog issue here in La Paz. I know it's in a lot of other places too, but I find it annoying that even though there is a new law saying that vehicles older than 5 years can not be brought into the country, there is nothing in place to keep old, exhaust spewing other vehicles off the streets. The only road up to Mallasilla is a 2 lane, windy, uphill (one-way, obviously) road that many trucks travel as they are heading out to construction sites in this area. I would say that most days, without exaggerating, I get stuck behind a dump truck or a public transport bus or some guys old car that he can't afford to fix that bellows foul, lung polluting exhaust into my face. Sometimes I can pass these people, but a lot of times I am confined to my lane because there is oncoming traffic or a curve which blocks my view of oncoming traffic. I have to admit, in my desperation to breath and not get lung cancer, I have taken minor risks to get around these vehicles. And it's not just on this road but any that you travel in the city. Without emission laws and with most people choosing to spend their money on other things, a fair amount of vehicles on the road have this problem and I add that to my list of concerns for my children who will grow up breathing this in from day one. Just had to get that off my chest...

On a more positive note, Scotty has found a new hairdresser that he likes a lot. Because his hair grows so fast, he sees her somewhat frequently and several months ago, was able to invite her to church on a Sunday that he was preaching. She came with one of her daughters and then came to the next women's Bible study we had the following Friday. She's not always there, but she's come to several Bible studies and I decided to go see her yesterday to get my hair cut and keep up the budding relationship. She has a cute little place that is right off the main path I take to the market and only charges $3! I was able to ask how she likes the church and meet her older daughter who works with her and has a little girl Natty's age. She said she'll come to church this Sunday and I invited them both to be there for our 2 celebration services in October for the 3rd anniversary of IBM (wow!). It's so fun to see people who have such openness to spiritual things and I wonder if I might be able to get to know her daughter since we are close in age and both have little girls. I'm also thankful for a husband who is friendly and can talk to anybody!

Beach Saga: Part Dos

2010-09-19T14:41:00.002-04:00

We left off with the heroes of our story wondering what would become of their short vacation time and powerless in La Paz. Well, the power came back on before the night was done and the next morning the same friendly neighbor calls to inform us that the border between Bolivia and Chile has opened! There is rejoicing in the house, but it's still a little too early to believe we might actually stand on the beach that evening. We set off with the little girls again, not so early this time, and are determined that things will go well with us. The border is quite a bit further along- around 4 hours or so from La Paz. When we make it, we go through the customary checks, throw out our fresh foods and go inside to pay our debts (again). We're informed and alarmed by our friends that we missed an important step in our crazy border hopping yesterday. Although we got stamped out of Bolivia after getting our vehicle approved, we didn't get stamped back in when we left after being turned away at the Peru side. Therefore, we'd have to be fined 300 B's each ($40+ dollars) plus whatever the normal fees are for leaving/entering the country. This trip is becoming expensive!! God worked mightily in our favor by causing the border controllers to be compassionate and understanding of our situation. They were able to bring down the fine and give us the stamp we needed. As our car was being checked by customs for contraband, an official Chilean lady came over to check on the car's papers. We handed her the notarized document, having been assured by several others the day before that it was what we needed to get across. From inside the car, Pauli and I see her shake her head "no" and demand something different. The boys rapidly explain that we did everything we were required to do and were approved on the Bolivian side. A few other officials came over and seemed to side with the lady. I start growing nervous and start praying more. Finally she calls her boss over, who looks like he's struggling with effects of the altitude (someone along the way thought it'd be funny to make the border between Chile and Bolivia at 15,500+ ft!), who quickly assures her what we have is sufficient. She was demanding a copy of what we had for her files (even though the other border yesterday would not accept a copy!), but there was no copy machine between the border and La Paz! Again, God worked and they finally allowed us through. Then there was much rejoicing, chocolate eating and praising God. Then about 3 1/2 more hours of driving...very windy, very bumpy, pot-hole-filled roads. It was painful and long and we just wanted to get there already. We finally did around 6:30, got out, took a quick bathroom break, were welcomed by very friendly hotel staff, shown our gorgeous apartment with beachside balconies, and off for a quick and chilly walk on the beach! September, apparently, is still not warm enough to do the kind of beach trip that I love. However, with a sweater and pants, Natty was warm enough to absolutely revel in her time in the sand and a bit in the waves with Daddy's help. She woke up every morning and from every afternoon nap requesting to "see the beach?". She was obsessed...just like Mommy. Every morning was cold and overcast, so we took mornings to do other chill beach activities like shopping. By lunch every day the sun burned off the clouds, I would head onto the balcony to read while Natty took a nap, and around 4 we would all head out with the girls to play in the sand and surf. They were relaxed days with fresh fish, cold breezes, beautiful water and fun. I am thankful for them, even though our beach time equaled our total car time- it was worth it. The girls enjoyed each other and we very much enjoyed Andrew and Pauli. I began to get nervous about the drive back after having experienced the state of the road on the way down and realizing that we climb over 15,000ft. in about 3 hours. For those of you who have never experienced that kind of altitude, it can bring on serious nausea, headaches, difficulty breathing and be quite dangerous for pregnant women because it leaves your body starved of O2. Our moms know this, so I'm not afraid to put that in here. :) I repeatedly sought the Lord in this and asked for the assurance that He gives that He would take care of us. We took the drive back slowly, stopping several times to stretch and eat and take oxygen from the small tank that has become a part of our family. And we made it to the border with no problems! And through the border with no problems!! Praise God for that! The girls were exhausted the whole time and either dozed or watched the little DVD player we had hooked up between the front two seats and we were home in 9 hours. So, there ends the beach saga. It was a learning experience in travelling 3rd world style and also a great time of rest with our friends. I am grateful for God for taking care of us in all of it.

Beach Saga: Part One

2010-09-18T19:58:00.002-04:00

We've just returned from Arica, Chile and I've had a blog burning in my skull since day one. We woke up around 5am in order to beat the truck traffic on the highway from Bolivia to Chile and as we were pulling out of the house around 7am, our neighbor stuck her head out the window to inform us that the border was being blockaded and no one would be able to pass through. Bummer! This was not a good start for our trip. We quickly changed plans and realized we'd have to figure out how to get to the Peruvian border and would then cross through Peru and enter Chile on that side. We had the pleasure of traveling with our friends Andrew and Paulina and their 2 year-old daughter, Lily. So, the 2 girls were strapped into the middle seat of the truck we had borrowed from a friend, the ladies were in the back, and the boys were navigating up front. It took about 3 or so hours to make it to the border, driving through the beautiful Andean plain at 14,000 ft. There was a moderate line at customs, but we began the process of filling out papers, showing documents, paying fees to leave the country, etc. The girls were doing well, but the pregnant moms (did I forget to mention Pauli is 7 months pregnant and I am 6?) squeezed into the back were already slightly uncomfortable after several hours of driving and suffering from small bladders. After going through most of what we needed to do, we headed to a separate building where we would get clearance for the car to go through. Scotty presented the paper that Andy, the owner of the car, had typed up and signed giving his permission for us to leave the country with his car. That was not acceptable, however. We were told it needed to be done by a notary and that we'd have to go back to La Paz. No. This can't be happening. We've come this far! We rack our brains with ideas from having him fax us a notarized copy (is there a fax machine in this tiny border town?) to finding a notary there who might be willing to give us the official stamp. They don't accept faxes or copies and there was no notary from the border to La Paz- NO ONE. After becoming very discouraged we come up with the plan of sending Scotty back to town by taxi, which would be faster, and leaving the 5 of us to eat, rest and wait. Scotty immediately finds a taxi and takes off. We start looking for a road out of town that will give us a more scenic spot to eat lunch. As we're turning around, we see Scotty coming back up the street shaking his head. He's talked with Andy who can't get free until later in the afternoon and who also reminded him that we probably won't find an office open until after 3, which was a bit later than we'd be arriving. We decide we'll all go back to La Paz and wait as long as it takes. I'll shorten this bit and just say we made it back, found an open and willing notary, got Andy to meet us and had the official sheet of paper that we're told will get us through any border in about 2 hours of waiting and $40 later. Now, back to the border. We're praying and hoping and have realized that we'll only be able to make it into Peru but won't get to the Chilean border early enough to cross (borders close around 7pm). We'll stay in a border town for the night and go for it in the morning. We informed our travel agent who called our hotel and let them know, who also informed me that there's no way they'd bump up our reservations and let us extend without cost for the 4th night we had already paid for. "No hotel in the world would do that", our friendly travel guide replied to my plea. We make it to the border, get cleared with the Bolivian side, rejoice and head on to the Peruvian checks. We're shortly informed that Peru doesn't have any agreements with Bolivia and will not accept our notarized document and there's nothing they can do. Again, I go into denial. We've come and gone and come and the Bolivian customs told us this was what was necessary! We quickly realize they knew all along that Peru would not accept it, but were just doing what they needed to do on their side. Apparently, Peruvian customs turns people back all the time for trying to drive borrowed vehicles into the country. We are beside ourselves and all of us near tears or already crying. Pauli and I decide we'll go in, looking very pregnant, and maybe take a crying toddler. We've been in the car all day and we're being told we can't get through. We know we're losing a night in the hotel. We're upset. We plead, we throw the pregnant and toddlers card- all to no avail. Before we know it, we're back on the road, going home. I can't remember when I've been so disappointed. We decide to regroup when we get home and pray that the border between Bolivia and Chile is open in the morning and try that route. And wouldn't you know that when we get here, there's a black-out and we have no power?? Perfect. However, Andrew whips up a nice spaghetti dinner for our hungry bellies and tired souls (gas stove) and we all crash bewildered and wondering how we'll make it to the beach and if it's worth putting ourselves through another entire day of driving (we were 14 hours in the car on Monday) on Tuesday. To be continued...

Jehovah's witnesses

2010-09-09T13:11:00.003-04:00

I headed up into town this morning after my swim for my monthly prenatal check-up. Today was the first day in a long time that it's started out bright and shiny with no clouds in the sky. I was totally loving being squished in the back of a taxi trufi with 2 large men, cause I got the window seat and had the sun on my face and wind in my hair. I arrived about 40 minutes before my appointment was scheduled so I walked up to a large plaza to sit on a bench in the sun and to pray. Shortly into my moment of silence, an older, nicely-dressed woman walks over and asks if she can read some scripture to me. I informed her that I was a Christian and she said that was fine and she'd like to read the scripture anyway. I said that'd be great and she opened to Isaiah to read about the faithfulness of God and about His watchcare over us. I felt like the Holy Spirit was using her to speak truth directly into my soul and was grateful to hear God's word spoken to me. I asked her at one point if she spent her days witnessing to people in the plaza and she said she is usually with a group but they hadn't shown up yet. I asked her if they were from a particular church and she answered they were Jehovah's witnesses. Ah! I should have known. There are tons of those guys around here and they often knock on our door on Saturday mornings. She explained that the one difference they have from Christians is that they don't believe in the unity of the trinity. God comes in 3 different forms and is, in fact, 3 different gods. I asked her about the verse that says "The Lord your God, the Lord is one." As that verse sprang to mind, I prayed that I would remember where it was found. I couldn't. Then we looked at John 1 and she showed me from her Bible where it says, "...the Word was with God and the Word was a god." What?? Is this a Bible that only Jehovah's witnesses use? I ask. "Oh, no", she assures me, "There is only one word of God". Yes, but I promise my Word says something different- namely, "The Word was God." Uno. One God. I had already decided I wasn't going to get into a theological debate with her. So, I explained I had a doctor's appointment I needed to get to and that I believe the mystery of the trinity is that the 3 persons of the trinity are one God and that the only way to Him is through Christ. She thanked me for listening and I left praying for her eyes to be opened to the truth. I was impressed by 2 things by this JW: one, she knew her scripture, probably better than I. I couldn't remember where the key verse was that states that the Lord is one. Two, she was out walking up to strangers in order to share scripture with them and convince them of what she is convicted of. She probably does this frequently. How often do I do this? Even with people who aren't strangers? Very challenging...

Then I had a fantastic visit with my obstetrician. Every time I see her I am so thankful that we have found her and wish it could have been that she was our doctor with Natty. Her line of thinking is so much more natural than anyone else I have talked to here and I feel so confident that, barring some unforeseen medical problem, I'll be able to have a VBAC with this baby. Hooray for good doctors!

Week(s) in review

2010-09-05T14:33:00.002-04:00

Natty and I have been spending A LOT of time together lately. The week before last she was very sick. It was one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. She had continual high fevers and no particular symptoms to help us figure out what was causing them. She lived on tylenol andor ibuprofen for a week, which I didn't love, and then had to take antibiotics for a week as well. There were many things that happened in that week that reminded me that God is good, He is in control and He cares for us. When Natty spiked the highest fever, I was able to call my pediatrician on her cell phone at almost midnight. She talked me through what course of action we should take and for the next few days took at least two calls a day from me on her cell, checked in on Natty herself, made a make-shift office for her in a beautician's salon when she was working another job that kept her out of her own office, and was extremely loving and concerned through the whole process. She apologized repeatedly for not being in her office and for having to do so much on the fly. I tried to explain to her without crying (stress + pregnancy hormones= lots of crying) how grateful I was that she was helping us so much and going out of her way, even interrupting a busy, second job, to see us. Scotty was able to help me continually throughout the week. I was able to stay home with her all day, every day without needing to be anywhere, or could leave her with our house help if I had to leave. AND, she was better enough for us to go out on Friday night to celebrate our 5th anniversary. So, God was so good in all that. And, she started recovering relatively quickly after we got her on antibiotics. However, I still fought fear and sadness constantly! I felt like I prayed constantly as well, but did not experience the peace that I really needed from the Lord. I don't attribute this to anything but my own lack of faith. It was a real eye-opener to me to realize how little faith I have when it really matters and was reminded often of a Beth Moore study we are doing with our ladies in the church. It talks about experiencing God's presence and peace and that coming through a myriad of things, one of which is believing Him to be who He says He is and believing that He'll do what He says He will do. I had a hard time with that but was happily challenged to keep trying and ask for His spirit to help my unbelief. I am praising God that Natty is totally well and making up for a week of not eating by eating constantly. And, I am praying that the whole thing has made me a bit more firm in the Lord.

So, since I was home all week the sick week, last week was a whirlwind of visitors and dinners and out of town guests. It was fun, but this house saw more traffic than it has for a while. It made me feel good to be so useful to people, or just involved relationally, but I don't think I could keep that pace every week. On Thursday we had a wonderful couple come in who have been missionaries in Alaska, Canada and India for over 30 years. They are my parents age but I think they are younger at heart than me or Scotty or a whole lot of other people I know. They also have a passion for people, the Lord, and relationships that is challenging and infectious. They will be coming to Bolivia long-term- they're just not sure where yet. Our whole team is rooting for them to settle here and Natty has found another set of grandparents in them. They took to her quickly and she was playing only with them whenever they were in the house. It's a blessing when God brings people like that into your life, especially when you are far from family, and I think we all could learn a lot from their intense desire for relationship and evangelism. I'm happy, however, for a quiet Sunday afternoon to reflect on the week and take a deep breath. I think this week will be somewhat busy again and then the following week we're going to Arica, Chile to chill on the beach for 4 days- woohoo!!

Writing styles

2010-08-23T16:52:00.002-04:00

I've noticed in the last year a couple new styles of writing. Sometimes I wonder if a pamphlet goes around the US to inform all the cool people that they should start writing this way and because I live in Bolivia, I didn't get the memo. Then, I think it's probably cause we are so all interconnected on Facebook that the trend catches on. So, this is what I've noticed:

1. Addressing a letter to an inanimate object:

Dear maternity pants,

You looked so nice when I first tried you on but after an hour or so, I found the bum sagging and lots of loose fabric around my thighs. As if losing my waist and gaining a bulging belly were not unsightly enough, now I have to look as though I have nothing to fill out the back of my pants with. How much more weight do I need to gain in my rear before you will conform?

Sincerely,

Unattractive in baggy pants

2. Addressing the weather:

Dear La Paz winter,

I think you have done your job quite suitably and I would cordially invite you to move on. We have welcomed you into the home with gas heaters and heavy winter jackets. We have willingly added an extra comforter to our bed and frozen our tooshies on the toilet seat each morning. We have even canceled school for a few weeks so that our children don't freeze to their school desks. But we feel the sun getting stronger and now we ask you leave. Please don't bring your arctic friends with you next year.

Sincerely,

Tired of being cold

3. Empahsis

With periods. So. Many. Periods.

Well, just a little observation. I find it fascinating.

To school or not to school.

2010-08-17T17:22:00.002-04:00

So, I picked up a friend this morning who was dropping off her kid at Montessori. She asked me if I wanted to come in and have a look around. Since we've considered putting Natty in a school for a few mornings a week in another 6 months or so, I thought I'd check it out. So pretty! I got the full tour and a lot of explanation about what Montessori is and how it works. The director and staff seem very competent and I think Natty would love the activities and I would love for her to have a chance for more social and Spanish interaction. I was almost sold as I walked out the door. Then I started thinking about the fact that she'd be barely two by the time we put her in. Is that too young? I firmly believe that there is nothing like a child being with their parents at this age and that it is a blessing for me to be able to take care of her. However, she's pretty isolated in the house as an only child and we really don't have a ton of opportunities to play with other kids. But, I also don't want her to grow independent too fast or to somehow be negatively affected by being dropped off 3 mornings a week somewhere away from home. I'm a bit at a loss about the decision and know I need to take some time to pray and seek counsel. Unfortunately, like every decision I have to make, I want to have the answer right away... I'd love some imput!

The pool and driver's licenses.

2010-08-05T14:13:00.002-04:00

Many of you ask or think, "what does a typical day look like in the life of Scotty and Lisa?". I can't actually answer that questions very concisely, but I can tell you about two things that happened the other day. Be forewarned: this is a long post. One, the pool. This actually happens a couple times a week, if things go according to plan. We've joined a club that has a lap pool and a small, kiddy pool that Natty loves. I'm swimming for exercise, as it's one of the best exercises you can do while pregnant, and I love to stay in shape. I try to go early in the morning, when only one or two other people are there. It's COLD this early in the morning. As I get out of my car and trek across the grass lawn (yay, grass!) toward the lockers, I wonder how I'm going to be warmer by taking off most of what I'm wearing. I look toward the large, glass enclosure that holds my destination and if it's totally fogged up, we're in business. One time the glass didn't have much condensation on it and I realized it meant that the air temperature inside the pool area was too close to the air temperature outside the pool area. That was a chilly swim. I grab a key off the board and wonder if the guy who is supposed to be there checking people in ever gets annoyed that I take a key without waiting for him to return. I like #62- it's a high locker for tall ladies and is toward the back of the locker room, where no one can see if they walk by the doorway that is only covered by a flimsy curtain. After donning my suit, my robe, my flip flops (pink, Brazilian, plastic ones I bought in the market for $3) and my swim cap (brightly colored one we payed way too much for at the other pool for almost $9)- I slide the squeaky glass door open and walk into the wonderland of chlorine and warmth. I love how quiet it is. I love that the sun is not up far enough yet to make it blindingly bright in there like it is later in the day. I love that I can slip into the water without feeling the slightest bit of chilly discomfort. I begin my laps, slowly, since I can't ever seem to get enough oxygen these days- between living in an altitude of 12,000ft. and having another being sharing the O2 in my body. I have a routine of a few swim styles that I repeat over and over and almost immediately, I don't notice if there's anyone around me. I only hear the water swishing in my ears and the sound of my own breathing. I only see the tile pattern on the floor, the clear water under the surface or the lines on the roof that I follow when I'm backstroking so that I don't accidentally wander into another lane. And when I'm done, my whole body feels good and refreshed. I take a quick, warm shower, dry my hair and can usually shed a layer as I return back to the car.

Something else that happened the other day, but we will not be making a habit of, was a trip to Transito. Transito is where you go to do anything related to driver's licenses or getting boots taken off your car. It is dark, dingy, old (think loose stair boards and exposed wood under the flooring), and always swarming with people who either seem to be needing to go somewhere very quickly or who have fallen into a trance as they wait for their name to be called. Scotty and I had to renew our licenses because they only last as long as our visas, which were invalid after we left the country for more than 90 days last year. It has taken us this long to get our new visas (of one year), our ID cards (also of one year) and now, with our ID cards, we can get our new driver's licenses....of one year. If you do the math, we came back in January, which means we have 5 more months of all of this stuff being valid before we have to do it all again. Hooray. So, we get in the "M" line and wait for someone to show up. I notice a large poster of a naked woman on the wall behind the counter and am disgusted, again, by how common and acceptable that is in places of business. A lady finally comes and takes our old licenses and tells us to sit down- they'll call our name. I find a seat and squeeze in amongst the masses. 10 minutes later she calls us and we jump up to find she just wants our ID cards. Sit, our names will be called. 10 minutes later (and things are actually moving quickly, relatively) and our names are called again. This time Scotty goes and says he will be back- needs to make 3 copies of something or other. He leaves, comes back, waits in line, hands over the something or other and its copies. Then he's told he needs to go do a few other things and pay something in a bank. Out he goes. I sit, reading the manual in case we need to take a driver's test and trying to figure out what the latest news is on TV. I notice the signs warning against giving in to corruption and bribes. Ironic. He returns and we both go to get in line at the medical check room. Up and over to a different section of the building. Swarms of people. Waiting in line. Fill out a form, sign it, pay some more money. Back in the same line to wait for a free dr. After a few mins, the dr. closes the door and tells us to take advantage of getting our pics taken. We beg to go in "real quick" for our check. Come back he says with a smile while the other lady "shuushes" Scotty for talking too loud while she's trying to hear her patient. We go get in another line for pics. Sit in a chair and don't smile (they don't like that) for the pic and pay some more money. Go back to get into the other line for the dr. Look in the window and see the 2 doctors are eating snacks and drinking coke. It is almost lunch time... Wait a bit longer and the door opens. Some older men block the way even when the dr. has waved me back- they were here first but they are behind me in the process. I squeeze past saying, "excuse me, they've called me back" and try not to look into their eyes of disbelief that this foreign lady is moving in before them. Friendly chat with the dr., give him my address, read a line of letters from the eye machine, pass, leave. Now time to go upstairs. Walk up the creaky, windy stairs, and find a small room with a small window that opens into a small room where the filing cabinets are kept (no digital info here). Lots of people waiting in front of that window. We push past, hand over our papers, pay some more money and are told we can come back in the afternoon to do some more stuff. Phew! Go downstairs and pick up our pics- I don't look too mad this time. I leave and go on a wild hunt in a taxi for the car while Scotty goes to pick up his motorcycle that has come in on a bus that morning. Traffic is terrible and it takes at least an hour to get home after leaving Transito. I eat lunch with our househelp and her daughter (she made curry while we were away- I love her.) and Scotty gets back an hour later. We rest, we wake up Natty, we make the journey downtown again- which includes driving up into town, parking, getting in a taxi and driving another 15 mins or so to Transito. We go back upstairs to pick up our things from the archive guys. I see some of the same people who were there this morning. We wait. Someone official looking finally comes out and reads off names. Scott David...Lisa Marie. Got 'em! We go downstairs and get back in the "M" line- give them all our paperwork and are told we can come back the next day for our license- yippee! It did take all day, but I can't believe how smoothly it went! Seriously- miraculously smooth. We walk down the prado until we get to the S.O.S. donut shop across from the university. It's a hole with one glass counter and an old-school cash register that has a couple types of donut. There's a line. We both get classic glazed and it almost tastes like Krispy Kreme. Seriously, best donuts I've had in Bolivia. We learned the next morning that our donut celebration was a bit premature...apparently, when Scotty returned to Transito to pick up our hard-earned licenses, they informed us that we hadn't taken the picture that would actually be on the license (the ones we took were just for the records). Maybe they could have told us that when we turned in all our stuff. To be continued...

Absence

2010-07-23T14:56:00.003-04:00

They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Has this been true for you in this lull of time when I haven't been writing? Or is more like, "absence makes me check Lisa's blog less". I wouldn't blame you if it were the latter. It's been one of those things where I can't give any exciting, concrete examples of why I've been away from the blog- I love to write- but I just don't seem to have as much time as I once did. It could be because the only quiet time I have is when Natty is asleep, and when Natty is sleeping, I am often sleeping. Or doing nothing. Or skyping a friend. I can share that we had a wonderful Spiritual Life Conference, the yearly SIM Bolivia retreat, in Cochabamba a few weeks ago. There were a handful of families on home assignment this year, so the group seemed minimal (about 80 people total, to give you an idea of how big SIM is in Bolivia) and I actually enjoyed that more because it gave this introverted girl more of a chance to talk to people I wouldn't necessarily interact with at other times. We had the pleasure of introducing our beloved pastor Edgar to our mission family as the guest speaker this year and he blew us all away with challenging, encouraging, moving, and Christ-centered messages each morning that I was very thankful for and that really impacted each person who heard him. Natalie went at 8:30 each morning to her own baby kids room where there was play-doh, games, toys and crafts shared with about 4 other kids until after lunch around 12:30. She was a champ! Since our church and most churches here in Bolivia don't have nurseries, she has rarely been left alone with people she doesn't know and isn't much a fan of it. She would cry hard each morning when we left, but everytime it happened a little less and the teachers would tell me each day that she seemed to be enjoying herself more. I was EXTREMELY grateful for the 2 ladies that would watch our babies each day and give us concentrated time in the Word, with others or doing whatever was planned for us that morning. Then Natty would nap till 3ish and we would usually have the type of afternoon activity that she could accompany us to or she would go back to her class. I was nervous that I wouldn't enjoy conference this year as much as previous years because of the complications of having a baby but I got more out of it than I ever have and enjoyed interactions with people more than ever, too! I told a few people that I think it was the first time I didn't feel like such a newbie kid and now had the common bond of being a parent and a few years older to help me feel more comfortable with myself and my surroundings. After conference, Scotty needed to stay in town for another 5 days or so for mission leadership meetings, so Natty and I hung out at the guest house with some other families and played with their kids and I tore through 2 cheesy Christian romance novels (I groan just to admit that- sorry for all the fans out there) and Scotty convinced me to let him buy our country director's motorcycle. I told him I would never let him get a bike here- the driving is too crazy and dangerous. But, when we looked at our budget and realized we'd really like to build a house this year, we decided that buying a motorcycle (after selling his landcruiser) was a much better deal than shelling out upwards of $15,000 for a 12-year old truck (vehickles are more expensive here). And that brings me to my next update- we've hired an architect!! Yes, we decided to hire the same guy that the church is using to build our sanctuary because we love his style and he is professional and easy to work with. He's drawn up an initial plan for us that we like bits of, but is far too large in general and will need some tweaking. We also are not sure where all the money is going to come from for this house, but we're praying, talking and brainstorming a lot. Our dream would be to start in a few months, but I have to admit I'm a bit skeptical (always more so than Scotty) about this. Mostly just because things always take longer to do here and we still don't have the 2 lots legally joined as one, which is necessary before building. Anyway, it's exciting and a huge step forward.

I have to say we are both feeling sadly less involved in direct ministry than we would like to be. Scotty has been busy with administrative stuff related to his new role as ministry coordinator of La Paz and I don't really have a good excuse other than I get busy with Natty and forget that I can take her to do ministry related visits with me. It's something God really is helping me feel less guilty about but didn't take away that desire to do it and recognition of how important it is. I'm hoping to start a Bible study with a woman in the neighborhood that has been consistently attending church but may or may not be a Christian.

Well, I'll stop there so as not to overwhelm you. And, I'll try to be more consistent. Thanks for reading. :)

Doctor update

2010-06-16T14:39:00.002-04:00

Thanks to all of you who left encouraging notes on my last blog! I am feeling much better and am starting to get my mind wrapped around a few, new "projects" that will help me to use my time more wisely and am generally enjoying life more. Except when my baby cuts naptime short, which has been happening a lot lately...

Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that our big prayer for a doctor has been answered! We visited "Eli", as she likes to be called, yesterday and really liked her. She's a bit wacky but really seems to get the idea of letting your body do what it does naturally during child birth and is really open to a VBAC. Although my expectation is not super high that it will work out this way, the desire is there and I know she is my best option. It's the first time I feel like I'm on the same page with a doctor. So, that is such a relief and I thank God for bringing us to her!

Walking

2010-06-14T11:46:00.002-04:00

When I was pregnant with Natalie, I would walk most mornings around the neighborhood- up and down the steep hills, and usually ending with a breathtaking (literally) climb up to the Mallasilla lookout. I haven't felt well enough to do this in this pregnancy and was still going from time to time to the gym to do my spinning class. Since my membership was up last week, I decided to pick up the walking again while Scotty spent his ritual half hour or so making oatmeal and eating it together with Natty. So I set out on the familiar route this morning with my medium weight jacket, quickly realizing that I would need something heavier tomorrow. The wind is quite cold and even though the sun is already blazing by 8:00am, it just isn't warm enough yet. It was great to feel good enough to actually do some hard walking and hill-climbing and to see all the people off to school and work. The neighborhood is quite active at that time of morning. I also saw a single mom who comes to our church, waiting with her kids for the public van to come by and pick them up. Later, I passed by a couple that lives in the best spot in Mallasilla, with incredible views of both our town and the city of La Paz. She is Bolivian and he is an American and we have been talking about getting together for months now. I realized that I don't see these people unless I'm out and about walking around...such a good way to spend my morning. After climbing up to the look-out, I gazed at the beautiful city of La Paz that spread out below me. Cradled by high mountains, the tall buildings and mostly dry river that rest in the canyon are quite a beautiful sight. On the other side, below me, is Mallasilla. We're surrounded by softer mountains, not quite as high, and varying shades of brown. With the rainy season long over, it doesn't take more than a week or so for the intense sun to dry up any living plant. Pastel and brightly-colored houses nestle in between the brick ones like Easter eggs and I gaze at our own property that still lays empty. It's mostly in the shade this early in the morning and I wonder when the sun will stream in our future kitchen windows while I start working on lunch. Although it's mostly quiet as high up as I was I could hear the banging of hammers coming from different parts of the town- our little neighborhood is being quickly filled up by new homes and new families...a good opportunity for our church to grow and reach new people. It was great to spend some time watching and praying, my desire to see the Lord working around me renewed. I think I'll do it again tomorrow.

Confession.

2010-06-07T13:28:00.003-04:00

Ok, I haven't been writing much on the blog lately, but there's a good reason. Baby Miser #2 is on the way!! So, I haven't been feeling great and haven't been doing much of anything that is blog-worthy. In fact, I've been doing so little of anything that it's starting to become a little bit depressing. When you're mildly sick most days, all day and very lethargic to boot, taking care of the one baby is about all that happens. But, I don't have the energy to do anything fun with her or to be creative, so I kinda start to feel like a bad mommy. Throw in a little crankiness and I start to resemble a bad wife, too. I won't even get started about how lame I feel as a missionary. Anyway, these are just some feelings that come and go and I know I'm not completely useless and, of course, God's grace is so much greater than I often remember and covers me even in these times of pregnancy "icks". I should have started by saying how thrilled we are, how blessed we feel to be welcoming another baby into our lives and family and how good God is, all the time. I'm on the doctor hunt at the moment, hoping to find someone in La Paz that would be willing to give me a good shot at a VBAC. So far, I've been a bit discouraged in that area, too. A missionary friend of ours who has lived here for over 20 years says he's never heard of anyone having a VBAC before. Not good odds. But, maybe I'll be the first! So, if you want to pray for us- ask the Lord to send us a doctor we can trust that has been able to brush up on what "new" things have come out medically in the last 20 years or so....cause most doctors here haven't had that chance. So, hooray for our Christmas baby! And, P.S.- we're not ready to go FB public yet- so keep your comments to the blog. :) Thanks.

16 de Julio

2010-05-31T14:59:00.002-04:00

On Thursdays and Sundays, El Alto has a market called July 16th. It's huge and wonderful and has everything you could ever imagine you could ever want... for a third world country (meaning no good chocolate or blueberries or nice stationary). Anyway, what interests me is the blocks and blocks of used, American clothes. Natty needed a few items and since Scotty was heading up on Thursday to close the sale of his Landcruiser (gasp!), I decided to have Feli, our househelp, come in and watch Natty for the morning. We left as early as we could, 9ish, cause it's always more of an effort to get up to El Alto than we think. It doesn't seem so far away- Feli, in fact, comes down every morning with her girls to Mallasilla to drop them off at school. As we left our sunny neighborhood and began the 2,000ft. ascent, it began getting more and more grey. El Alto is cold in the summer, colder in the winter, and almost unbearable if it's raining. I prayed it wouldn't rain. When we finally plateau, we're socked in by clouds and fog...not great shopping weather, I think, but maybe the crowds will be thin. Then we begin the journey to our destination. As we drive, the road's becoming thicker with traffic and pedestrians. No matter what time of day or where you are in El Alto, you will get stuck in a traffic jam. We're in a particularly bad one at one point that is only allowing one car from our direction through the light. As we approach our turn, we can see why. When the light is green for crossing traffic, the cars pull out as fast as possible into the intersection and then get stuck there when their lane stops moving. Our light turns green and our lanes do the same. So, a more and more intricate and ugly jam is forming and slowing down everyone but heating up lots of tempers. Traffic lights and foresight don't mean a lot here. Pedestrians, at their own risk, weave in and out and between the almost touching cars. I never cease to be amazed at how the public transport drivers almost instinctively know their cars limits- they can squeeze close enough to other drivers to smell on their breath what they had for breakfast! Anyway, I decide to get out at one point on Scotty's recommendation and walk the rest of the way to the market. However, I was born with a lack of direction- I think my mom ate too much chocolate during pregnancy- and El Alto all looks the same to me. Grey, depressing, nothing green growing, brick buildings, people, vehicles, fried chicken, stray dogs. Scotty gives me directions as best as he can from where we think we are, I pray for God's guidance, and head off with the masses. Where I'm used to walking, I am not the only tall person or the only light-skinned person. I feel like I must not stick out much. Here, there is no other gringo in sight and I feel I must look quite obvious in my bright green rain jacket, towering at least a head above everyone else. I walk briskly, mostly because it's cold and I don't want to look like an easy pickpocketing target, and keep praying I'm going in the right direction. About 20 blocks later, I find the market! I get stuck in the car section for a while and am too timid to ask any of these manly-men selling their cars where the used clothing is. On a hunch, and a sixth phone call to Scotty, I take a left. I'm pretty sure there was a beam coming out of heaven on the first table of baby clothes I see. Unlike the Gap, these clothes look like they have just been shaken out of the huge sack they just came off the plane in, onto a table. Usually they are somewhat organised piles, ages 0-6, for example, which still makes searching a task. I start digging. And digging. I find a few things here and there, pay the few coins to the good woman who continually pulls out more stuff for me, having no idea what size or gender is my child, and am on my way. I do this for a couple hours before it starts to rain. And then it rains harder. And then I wish I wore my wool socks but I habitually underestimate how cold this city is. And then I try to remind myself of how blessed I was to have been able to come up in the first place, without Natty and actually find stuff for her. And then, after half an hour or so, when I can't feel my toes and I am imagining myself in bed for 3 days with a fever and chills, I call Scotty and tell him I'm ready and he better be too. Thankfully, he was just about done with his transactions and I start heading in the general direction from which I think I had come. Yes, I decide after 10 minutes of walking, I think I've seen these cars before. Yes! This is the major highway I crossed! And there's Scotty! I'm saved! We huddle together, dripping, and wait for a free taxi. We find a warm one and as we head back into familiar territory, I show off my loot (several shirts, a skirt, a dress, a rain jacket, and a keyboard- all for Natty- all for less than $10 total). Hot chocolate and a hot shower to wrap up the morning/afternoon.

Cochabamba

2010-05-03T20:28:00.002-04:00

I know I have written several times about how much we love Cochabamba, but it's not going to stop me from writing yet another blog about it. We decided to escape on Friday from our community that throws a 3-day, drunken, loud, up-super-late-and-stumble-home party, seemingly right outside our bedroom window this weekend every year. What better place to go and visit old friends than Cocha? So, we packed up the station wagon, loaded the child and left a bit earlier than planned cause we heard whisperings of blockades. They did not materialize on our trip, thankfully. We rolled into Mauge's house, our old (meaning previous, not chronologically) Spanish teacher, about 5 hours after starting our trip. Here's a smattering of what I enjoyed most:

-the hospitality of Mauge and Jorge

-laughing with Mauge

-Mauge's pancakes

-Mauge's steak on the grill

-getting to stay in a house that has enough room to give Natty her own space

-not having to get ready to go anywhere early in the morning

-getting swallowed up by the used clothes section in Latin America's largest market (and buying pink and green camo pants for Natty)

-my husband watching the semi-sick baby while I go used clothes shopping with the girls

-warmth and sun

-seeing old and meeting new friends

-watching Natty play, really interact, with a little girl her age

-sitting on the backporch and shooting the breeze all afternoon on Sunday

-strolling the main plaza and watching my daughter throw bird seed at, not to, the pigeons

-finding my Oakleys after almost losing them

-singing 100 bottles of beer on the wall with Scotty, all the way through, on the way home

-actually sounding progressively more drunk as we tried to sing faster to get the song over with

-the look of stupor on Natalie's face after her parents have sung one song for 11 minutes (yes, I timed it) and then saying, "more".

So, Cochabamba, the city of eternal spring and great memories, once again came through for us. Can't wait to go back.

P.S. Don't wait for pictures. I must have said 20 times while we were there, "can't believe we forgot the memory card". Grrrr.

Parque infantil

2010-04-27T17:42:00.004-04:00

It was about 4:30 when Natty and I got to the park this afternoon. It was deserted and as I sat down on a low, cement wall to watch Natty play, I noticed for the first time how sad that park can look. One of the swings was hanging unevenly while the other one had both chains broken with no seat in sight. The once colorful wooden play equipment was faded from the harsh La Paz sun and had a few nails sticking out here and there. The slides were thoroughly rusted and there was a half-dressed baby doll lying face down in the dirt. Sparse chunks of dead grass were scattered here and there with popsickle sticks and trash dotted in between. I wondered for a moment where Natty might be playing if we lived in the US. However, she didn't seem to notice that anything wasn't as it should be and happily played with rocks and dirt for half an hour or so. A lot of kids live around the park in one or two room, shabby brick houses. They come to play, usually bringing along a brother, sister or cousin that looks hardly old enough to walk. I met a 6 year-old named Jenny the other day who had the stature of a 3 year-old. She asked me to take her to the zoo and although we set up a time to meet, she never showed and I wondered if she had to cook dinner for her family or babysit a sibling. Today, as I enjoyed the last bit of warmth before fall sets in hard, I looked over to the world's highest golf course, literally separated from the park and most of Mallasilla by a deep gulf, and wondered if the folks playing there ever let their kids play in parks like this one. I wondered if they noticed our neighbor who lives in a basement without running water tending to the grounds as they putted by. He and his wife always greet us with a smile and although we share water with them and small talk, I can't say that we've shared anything terribly meaningful beyond that. Sometimes I forget, in our relatively luxurious lifestyle, how the other 2/3 live. I pray that God would continue to challenge my comfort and security and give me a generous heart toward those around me who have so little.

What's going on with me...

2010-04-06T15:07:00.003-04:00

It's dark outside. It's not usually threatening to rain this time of year, as rainy season is mostly on its way out and cool winds have arrived. The temperature seems to shift rapidly from intense warm afternoons to waking up with crisp air hovering around the bed, daring me to get out without socks and a sweatshirt. The climate change always seems to bring about colds, even Natty is suffering with one right now. She's snoozing away later into the afternoon then normal, evidently needing her rest. I'm happy for a moment to catch up on the blog. I've become more aware in the last year how many people read my blog and so I seem to be, without wanting to, much more timid in posting. I tend to shrink back a little when I know eyes are on me, afraid of what judgments might come from what I say or how I say it. I find that to be a problem when speaking Spanish in front of more than one or two people. Ultimately, I want my life to count and I want that to be obvious in the things I write about. I must admit, I am going through somewhat of a lull at the moment- not in a bad way, but in a way that has me frequently asking myself if I'm taking advantage of all the opportunities God is sending my way. There are definitely some issues that friends in our small group are going through that I want to be more dedicated to keeping up with. We've spent some really neat times lately with a few families but I am feeling challenged to push outside of the circle that we mainly focus on to include a few that keep popping up, not altogether coincidentally. And yet, how do I do that when I need to also spend even more time with those we are immediately "responsible" for in the church? The impending home assignment of our close friends and colleagues, the Hursts, is having us re-think how we use our time and how we can be involved in some of the relationships that they are involved in. There are so many needs, but so few who can really pour into the families in our church. I've come to understand a whole different level of intimacy and dependence from what I was used to experiencing in independent America and it challenges me almost daily. I am used to my space, my control, my freedom. But Bolivians push those boundaries in a way that is wonderful and maybe more like how God meant for the body of Christ to function and relate. This doesn't make it easy for me, of course. But it makes it worthwhile to try. So, the eternal question of balancing life, family, ministry, "me-time" (and this one is where I grip too tightly) and friendships outside of ministry continues to prod and poke and make me uncomfortable. But, I think this is where God likes me to be and where He teaches me more about Himself and His plans for my life. Apart from all that, I am daily challenged by the realization that I need to know more of God's word so that I can impart it to my child. So that I can discipline her correctly. So that I can love her well and lead her into her own love for the Lord. Sadly, I've never quite felt this desperation to really know the scriptures, until realizing that I am responsible for passing them on to my children. Better late than never, they say!

On a lighter note, I have rekindled my passion for cooking! Not having my own kitchen for 7 months quelled the desires I usually have to experiment with food, but now that we're back home, I am finding all sorts of new recipes and trying to eat more vegetarian because meat is much pricier than it used to be. We had tofu for a handful of meals a couple weeks ago- there is a nice little Japanese shop that sells all manner of things with Japanese writing and pictures of fish on the packaging, and also happens to have cheap blocks of tofu. I find recipes that refer to "firm" or "soft" but all I have is what Mrs. Japanese Bolivian lady sells me, which seems rather soft. It works, mostly. Beans and lentils are always nice, too. I've recently found a wonderful, fantastic, sweet, godly, pastor's wife to help me two days a week in cleaning (OK, she does all the really hard work) and sometimes I wonder if she balks at the meatless lunches I serve (I do the big meal of the day at lunch when she's with us, since that is what Bolivians are used to). However, she always compliments the dishes and I enjoy lingering around the table with her long after I've finished and she's on her second helping and listening to her stories about life and her family and all that God has taught her over the years. She is a new facet in ministry that I am really enjoying. And Natty is getting used to her and already picking up a bit more Spanish as they talk. I praise God for bringing Feli to us. We've got some fun times coming up soon with visitors this month and a short trip to Cochabamba at the end of April. God is so good to us.

Proof of Life

2010-04-06T15:03:00.002-04:00

Forgotten in the excitement of a papaya smoothie.

For an explanation of this series, click here.

Lisa turns 30!

2010-03-21T13:12:00.004-04:00

I turned 30 yesterday. I'm now in the same decade as Scotty, for the first time ever. I have a wonderful husband, an adorable, sweet baby girl and live in an incredibly beautiful place where God is at work around us. I am content at 30. Although, it does feel weird to say I'm 30...

We ran some errands in town on Friday and took a break to play with the rocks in the "park" outside of the office. Natty LOVES rocks. She wants to marry them. There are tears when you take her away from them. It's tragic.
She enjoyed sharing rocks with this cute little girl who was hanging out with her mom at the park. A couple poor ladies hang out in this 8-10 car parking lot everyday, all day, hoping to "watch" the cars that park there and get paid about $.15 or $.20 to make sure the cars don't get stolen or damaged...I'm not sure what would happen if someone attempted it.
Let the festivities begin. Apparently, this copious, American-style breakfast buffet has existed for eons at a nice hotel in town- but we never knew about it. We do now. And we ate until ready to pop. It was glorious and Natalie was an angel.
They bribed her with Mickey Mouse-esque pancakes. She really liked the "mit", which is how she says "meat".
Good friend Andrea, along with her husband, Andy, and their four adorable boys joined us over a leisurely all-you-care-to-eat pigout.
Once Natty finished the "mit", she headed outside to try to get as wet as possible and soil the white, velour pants I put on her that morning in a moment of insanity.
Can you tell that Natty has passed her morning nap time? She was still an angel.
After Scotty volunteered to get up early, as I usually do, to make coffee and get Natty, he presented me with this funky, cool ring. I love it.
We rounded out the day with a visit to the "MegaCenter"- La Paz's new mall which houses a beautiful, new movie theatre. We saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D because they didn't have it in English in the normal 2D...who cares to watch Johnny Depp dubbed in Spanish?? Not me. We adored the movie.

So, my birthday was all I hoped it would be. I am blessed.

Proof of Life

2010-03-04T09:56:00.002-04:00

Check out the scratch at the top of the drawer. Natty bites when she gets mad.

For an explanation of this post, look here.

Privileged

2010-03-02T14:18:00.003-04:00

This weekend was busy. We knew from Friday on the days would be full of meetings and Bible studies and get-togethers and even though they would take most of our waking minutes (or the preparation for them), we were excited to be involved with our teammates and the ones God has sent us here to serve, our fellow church members. We had one particular meeting that lasted almost 5 hours with the leaders of IBM. Greg started us out by asking fantastic, challenging questions about our dreams and goals and I found myself wondering why those words scare me. I don't consider myself a visionary and even though I am a type of leader, I don't consider myself the one that launches out to start new ministries. I found it difficult to think, off the top of my head, in terms of a specific plan I would want to put into place if I had to leave La Paz in one year. I found myself thinking of the common, daily interactions I seek out with women in the neighborhood (which aren't yet daily, but I'm hoping they will become), inviting people over for dinner and talking about life, hosting events, baking for those who just had a baby. These are things I love to do but I can't say that I have a plan of action regarding them, other than praying that God would more and more give me His heart for these women and families and more of a pure passion to serve them. I felt a little guilty that I didn't seem to have the same kind of vision as others in the group. I'm still wrestling with what all of it means for me...

One thing I found rather encouraging was when my pastor began to remind everyone that even these handful of hours we were spending together was a small sacrifice for our church. He talked of the missionaries, including us, who have left behind our country and our families, sacrificing time that grandparents get to spend with their grandchildren, birthdays, sad occasions, celebrations, etc... in order to come here and live and work alongside Bolivians. I found what he was saying to be true, but instead of a self-satisfaction in being recognized as one who has given up much, I instead found myself thinking of how generous God has been with me and Scotty to invite us to be a part of His kingdom in La Paz. How privileged we are that God would choose such imperfect creatures to be a part of a perfect plan. How blessed we are to be friends with our friends and experience a culture that is so rich in love, hospitality and generosity. We have given up much, but we have been given so much more.

Sometimes we just need to slow down.

2010-02-25T12:36:00.002-04:00

Natty and I went into town today to do a bit of grocery shopping and to see a friend who runs a store near the grocery. The sun was behind the clouds and it was still early enough (I'm still surprised that at least half of the stores are still not open at almost 10:30) to make for a nice, cool, low-traffic moment. So, I put Natty down to tread the concrete with her cute, pink tennies. She reached up to hold my hand and we began our slow saunter down the sidewalk. And, I mean SLOW. Natty, at 17 months, is just starting to get into walking. She still needs a hand to do it well, but is trying to get around a bit more on her own, on two feet. As we walked, I found myself observing things I usually am too busy to see. I have always been a fast walker, so I know that there are things I've walked by a hundred times and not noticed. Waiting for Natty's little steps, I took my time to watch people, look in store windows and notice nooks and crannies I had never noticed. I don't think having a toddler usually makes a mommy feel like the world is slowing down and she can take time to smell the roses, but God gave us this nice little 20 minutes or so to wander... Most people were dashing about and usually only the elderly (who were a bit more at Natty's pace) or young women noticed my cute little daughter plodding along. She got some smiles and a few "bebe!", but she was also too busy noticing things inside the stores- a cat on a Wii game box, "meow", Natty responds, trendy wallets, new shoes. I felt serenely out of the mad rush scene of people scurrying on and off public transport, no doubt running to their places of work or to classes. We passed by an old man who always sits on the edge of a planter by the ice cream parlor, playing a wooden flute instrument of some kind. I usually walk by, never sure of who I should give coins to and who I shouldn't. Today, we approached him so much more slowly and he caught Natty's eye long before we reached him. She stared as we got nearer and I noticed he had a pretty nice coat on and rubber boots. I usually see old men who beg with the standard sandals made from old tires, but this man had smallish rainboots. Interesting. Natty stopped in front of him and I saw that his ball cap already had about 10 B's worth of coins in it. I told her to say "hi" and she instantly shot up her hand and gave him a friendly wave. His flute playing stopped and he grinned a little and waved back. Then, we continued on as he began to make music again. I would like to take time like that more frequently, especially to become aware of those that are so often ignored. And more, I want my daughter to grow up recognizing those who have been forgotten. How much I still need to learn to pass on this value.

Natty has taken to "helping" me in the kitchen. She loves to be involved in what I am doing and I've found if I can get her on her stool and busy watching what I'm doing, I have to tell her "no" much less often. I ask her to bring her stool to where I am, she pushes it over, climbs up and usually rests her hands on the counter to watch me chop or mix or whatever. She likes to grab the vegetables and skins and play in the flour that may have spilled out when I was measuring for cookies. Then I help her down and she pushes her stool over to the sink where she revels in getting as wet as possible while I wash dishes. She even helps me throw away the trash. I think she'll be a great cook when she gets older and it's fun that she's at an age to participate with me.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-18T20:09:00.004-04:00

Here's a photo montage of our V-day, celebrated the day before. In the afternoon, we dropped Natty of with Faith and the girls and went to go see a movie at the new theater- awesome! Then we picked up soft, buttery pretzels, just like you find in the malls in the US...I'm crumpling into a little, happy ball as I think about it. Scotty bought me Belgian and Swiss chocolates and cinnamon roll pop tarts for Sunday...love that man.

Lilies- my favorite.

"Do we have to take a drive through the country?"

Flat tire on the way up.

Sleepy baby misses the pretty scenery as we head up the hill to a small town near Mallasilla.

Wake up! We're at the lake and ready for a hike.

These were the boats still floating. We saw a handful that had been left a foot under water.

Then Scotty takes Natty into a public restroom. He said this was the kind with a hole and a footprint on each side.

Love the flower gardens!

Until recently, we were thrilled to enjoy a week or so straight with sunny skies and warm temps! We took advantage of that to drive up to Achocalla, the closest countryside to us- a mere 5 minutes from our small community. It winds all the way up to El Alto, 2,000ft. above us, but passes through some beautiful hills and neighborhoods with lots of animals for Natty to see. It was a lovely way to spend the morning.

Trauma

2010-02-03T13:42:00.006-04:00

It all started with a chicken. A dead, featherless (almost), cold, kinda stinky, chicken. I used to buy chicken breasts, without the bone, because I like the ease of just sticking one in the oven without much work, like the snipping of organs and ligaments. However, all the stores have gone on a boneless chicken breast strike and there are none to be found. So, a few weeks ago I ventured out and bought a whole chicken, with the promise from some stranger's blog that it can be dumped into a crock pot, sprinkled with salt and pepper, and left to cook all day. Ta-da! Lots of chicken meat with little work. Well, the first time I did this, it turned out alright, except after it was cooked I realized there must have been organs in the cavity because it was quite reddish brown and there was some mushy, yucky stuff in there. So, this morning, as I'm taking the bird out of the fridge to throw in said pot, I decide to work on removing the organs from the cavity- must like dissecting a frog, I promise myself (which was never a big deal to me). However, as I unwrap the legs, I see something unexpected inside. Now, I know there are many of you out there who have killed chickens, bought whole chickens with the same dilemma, or lived in a third world country and have dealt with this, but it was all new to me. Yes, I've lived almost 30 years without encountering such a sight. Back to the bird. As I unwrap the legs, I find that someone has done me the favor of also shoving long claws down there.

Big legs, with big nails- huge. I pull one out and immediately drop it on the counter- I'm pretty sure I saw a toe twitch. I yell to Natty, who is hovering above the kitty's food bowl, contemplating disobeying me again by playing in the water. She seems to get a kick out of my disgust. I pull out the other leg and it drops to the floor...I yelp a little. I pick it up before it has time to grab me and put both legs on a Bran Flakes box.
I'll just leave those there for Scotty to find when he comes into the kitchen, I decide. At this point, my heart is beating a little faster than normal but I calm down upon remembering my new kitchen shears and how much less disgusting the organs seem. Out come the shears and into the cavity they go. Snipping brown things and a heart and some stringy stuff and trying to scoop it all out with a spoon. Now I decide that the big stuff is out and it might be helpful to rinse out the inside of this poor, dead creature. I take it in the plastic bag over to the sink, run some water in it and pull it the rest of the way out of the bag. As I'm pulling, I notice a long, dangly thing at the other end. What is this strangeness, I wonder? Then it hits me, like a blow to the stomach. I see dead eyes, and a beak. No, it can't be...it's a long neck...and...the head! At this point I drop the bird into the sink, yell, like a little girl, and encourage Natty to come with me. I'm feeling a little queasy and wondering how I'm going to dispatch the head and neck of this thing. That means cutting or hacking my way through tubes and flesh and I don't know what else. It's all too much to handle at 7:30 in the morning. Scotty seems concerned at the screaming and inquires about what is going on. I explain my predicament and demand that he do something about it, immediately. Natty comes crawling in whimpering, a bit confused as to why her mommy is screaming. In a few minutes, the bird is taken care of, thanks to my brave husband, and I am cutting off skin, but looking at dinner in a way I never have before.

Can I actually eat this thing now that I've seen it looking so much like a dead animal? A dead animal that I butchered? Ick.

Calle Uyustus

2010-02-02T20:18:00.003-04:00

So check out this sweet Columbia jacket I picked up today for $18.50. I saw it on a mannequin at a used clothing store as we were driving to the market today, tried it on, and it was a perfect fit! You can never have too many jackets in La Paz. Score!

So, this was our first trip up to the market since coming back. Going to the market in town, about a 25 minute drive from our house- once you brave the traffic, the people darting about, the crazy public transport drivers, and the STINKY market- is quite an experience...in more ways than I just listed. When we lived up that way, I would go from time to time, mostly curious about what strange, little treasures I might find along with whatever necessity I was looking for. There is a witch market, a tool section, a housewear section, an aluminum, big-pot section, a plastics section, an office supply section, a wedding dress/cake making section, an electronics section, etc... This is a seriously large area of ground I'm talking about- miles and miles wide and long. Today, we were headed to Uyustus- the find-anything-you-could-possibly-want-and-a-whole-lot-you-don't section. We had a variety of things in mind, many of which we didn't find. But, don't fret! We did find a handful of stuff we didn't know/remember we needed until we got there (i.e. a nice, Columbia jacket). This street starts wide at the top, and narrows, as well as splits, as you head downhill. There are booths on each side and then in the middle further down, as well as some stores behind the side rows- both hidden and barely noticeable and then others that open into entire little malls. I've never ventured into half of the stores that lie beyond the main walkway and I'm sure would be quite surprised to know what is sold there. There are lots of men carrying way too much on their backs that you always have to watch out for, as well as one particularly horrific part where some sort of fried meat is sold for those who dare. One whiff almost caused Scotty and I to lose our lunch. There are some people who push past in a hurry, causing you to press into a booth of Brazilian plastic shoes or women's sweaters, and those that amble along- doing some form of window shopping in a place without windows. A stray dog here and there will trot past while a little baby toddles about making you wonder who is watching over her. The men and women who man the booths usually sit high amidst their merchandise, sometimes blending in so well you don't notice anyone is there at first. The walk down is brisk and interesting. By the time you get to the bottom you are on sensory overload, burned out by the intense sun (which was surprising for us today, as it is usually raining every afternoon), and not too excited to have to walk back uphill to find the car. I am always delighted by new things I see when I go to Uyustus. Today I noticed a better selection of kitchen goods and baby items than I've seen before. I walked into a small store that held 3, brightly colored glass bongs among the wine openers and pretty porcelain dishes. Weird! Natty was a champ, happily sitting in my Moby wrap, waving to the passers-by and taking it all in stride.

Weekend activities

2010-01-25T15:14:00.005-04:00

Friday was a holiday, our president being inaugurated into office, again. We called up our friends, the Ramirez family, to see if they wanted to hang out in the afternoon and take a hike. They did a bit of shifting of their schedule and we took off mid-afternoon and headed down toward their house. They live about 20 mins from here and the scenery changes pretty dramatically as you get closer to their home. There are tall trees and green grass and open spaces and a big river and impressive cliffs. We love to go out there cause it makes us feel like we're in another part of the country that is more wild and lush.

Our view as we set out...we ended up on the far left, by the river.

It was nice to enjoy a rain-free day (we aren't getting many of those as rainy season really shows its stuff) with our friends and celebrate their sons' birthday. Saturday we had a wedding, which I spent most of exploring the church with Natalie, who wasn't feeling like sitting quietly. Then some more prep for a double baby shower I was hosting at our house on Sunday. Church was awesome and because Natty slept through most of the service, she was awake enough for me to spend a good amount of time at the end catching up with friends I haven't had a chance to talk to since we returned. I love my church! Some more cleaning and prep in the afternoon and then the baby shower in the evening- starting about an hour and a half later than the stated starting time... Lots of ladies showed up to party and celebrate the lives of these 2 little boys that will be coming into the world in a matter of days. One woman, Claudia, is a friend that lives one street over and I will enjoy visiting her and the newborn and helping in whatever ways I can. It's good that God has created us to live together and serve each other.

Now, I am finding today a restful day- cleaning up around the house, catching up on emails, reading a handful of challenging and encouraging stuff from desiringgod.org. Natty seems to have some sort of stomach bug and is sleeping most of the day, which makes it even more restful for me

Natty discovers the art of dipping french fries in ketchup.

First days

2010-01-13T10:57:00.003-04:00

Well, we feel more settled in now, although it still looks like our suitcases exploded all over the house. We've picked up our cats, who seem to have settled in like we never left and don't seem surprised that there's a toddler around squealing and flailing a large spoon at them. We've made a few trips into town and are busily working on figuring out what visa to apply for next, since the one we came in with only gives us only 30 days. Apparently, a lot of things will be changing on the 22nd, since our president was re-elected into office and managed to win a majority in the senate which means his party has almost complete control with no opposition. We aren't quite sure what this means. We're praying for a miracle in the visa department. Natty is loving her new surroundings and is enamored with the abundance of stray dogs and sheep that trot about our street. She's taken to calling almost everyone "dada". She also has started trying to repeat the words we say and has labeled avocado (which are the most delicious, buttery, amazing fruits here in Bolivia) "caca". That one's pretty funny. Our landlords downstairs seem genuinely happy to have us back and are thrilled to see how Natty has grown. I was informed the other day by a Bolivian friend that I'm too skinny. "Skinny is ugly." I'm not sure how to respond to that. However, as I was driving home last night, I heard angels singing and saw to my left a little place called "The Donut Factory". I might not stay ugly for long. So, we are getting back into the swing of things little by little and have enjoyed the short interactions we've had with our friends, awaiting more lengthy times together in the near future and getting back into ministry as well.